I came to this board for some help. For the last few years I have suspected that I am psychotic. There are many events that happened in my childhood that other people participated in that no one remembers but me. Also, in my relationship w/ my boyfriend he denies saying things that I could swear came out of his mouth, and he denies events that he participated in, and says I didn't say things that I truly believed that I said. The time periods between the supposedly imaginary events and the discussions about how it never happened has been anywhere between 2 minutes and 15 years. For ex. I remember having a severe stuttering problem as a child for years, yet no one remembers this but me, not even my parents or grandparents.

I have also had an unreal amount of harssament from people my whole life. As a child I was verbally, and emotionally abused every day (sometimes physically abused) by 9 children in my neighborhood, while my parents stood by, expecting me to stand up to children that were years older and much bigger. My parents still deny any responsibility. In high school, in the same day, one boy exposed himself to me and another would not stop groping me, when I came home and told my parents there was absolutely no reaction or concern from them. yet they have always claimed to love me and protect me and claim to be christians. There are many other things, but it is too much to write.

I'm having a very hard time dealing w/ not having a family that loves me. I want to hurt myself sometimes, but I'm often left feeling unsatisfied for not being able to hurt or scar myself, b/c I am a model and entertainer. Sometimes I have strange feelings about wanting to bleed in large amounts.

Words hurt me more than anything else ever could. When my boyfriend is so angry at me that he says mean things I beg him to physically hurt me instaed of using the words. Sometimes he does, but I make sure that we do it in a way that causes minimal bruising.

I do not believe in taking psychiatric drugs regularly, but would rather have a drug when I feel out of control.

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know there is no way I can get a new family, I just need something to dull the pain.

If there is anyone here, please talk w/ me

p.s. If someone has a problem w/ anything I have written, please be gentle about it. Thanks.

Hi Ya, I would definitely see a therapist.
There's no doubt these past bad events that happened in your past.
Its starting to effect you emotionally.
This is why you have these bad thoughts.
This happened to me to.
I also think this boyfriend of yours is part of the problem.

One thing you said that caught my attention.
You said.
Words hurt me more than anything else ever could. When my boyfriend is so angry at me that he says mean things I beg him to physically hurt me instaed of using the words. Sometimes he does, but I make sure that we do it in a way that causes minimal bruising.

If your boyfriend is hitting you, he's an idiot.
I think you need to break up with this guy.
You need a more loving and caring boyfriend.
There's plenty of ways to meet guys.
Craigslist has a free dating site.

I would get rid of that guy real quick. He's not helping you. He should be encouraging you to see a therapist.

There's nothing wrong with taking medication, prescribed by a licensed psychiatrist. Most mental health problems are due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. The meds bring the chemicals into balance.

Keep us posted and good luck.

Yep! I cant imagine anything that he is doing is at all helpful. You need to talk to a professional and get the help you deserve. You need not suffer with these thoughts and feelings and if taking medication to help that works, then there is no shame in that.
Please talk to someone, about wanting to harm yourself. Probably just a way for you to release your emotions, but there are many other more productive ways to do that. Talking with someone will definitely help the process. Keep in touch.

rabbitts, you really do need to speak with someone who can help you see things more clearly. Many of us were treated badly when we were growing up and that stuff shapes our personalities, affects our self esteem, sense of self and self worth, unfortunately. I too used to have a jerk of a boyfriend who used to say things and then would deny them later. I think that your boyfriend is messing with you. I'm just guessing here, but think that you're probably with him because you feel the need to be punished and he does that for you. You think that you deserve that.

Your family probably really does love you, but that doesn't make them perfect. They've just been insensitive, but probably had good intentions at the time, trying to force you to learn to fight your own battles. They just weren't aware of what they did to you. You have to try to forgive them. I know that it'd be a whole lost easier if they were truly sorry, but they just don't realize what they did.

I'm one of many, many people who psych meds harmed. I never recommend them. For most, they don't provide happiness and often cause more harm than good, physically and emotionally. If you read through many of the posts here and on hundreds of other sites, you'll find people complaining about their drugs, going from one to another to another, in hopes of finding the magic bullet. We all want that perfect drug, one that will work and not harm us, but there ain't no such animal, I'm sorry to say.

Find someone who you can talk to - someone who'll empathize and not judge. Start taking care of YOU and drop that jerk of a boyfriend! Who needs that stuff?! Find some happiness. Eat right and exercise. Do something to help someone else. That's one of the best ways to increase your sense of self worth. Remember, your past might be tarnished, but your future is spotless. Don't keep mucking it up by living in the past. You can't change that, but you can change tomorrow. You deserve to be happy.

Good luck!!!

Hi!

The one thing that jumped out at me when I read your post was your intelligence. You are aware of your problems and symptoms and that gives you a head start on getting well.

I'm not so sure about you being psychotic, but a Dr. can evaluate you. What if your right?? Maybe the things you remember are the way they really happened. There is always that chance. Look into it if you can.

Your b/f is not doing you any good during all the things you are going through right now. I'm not saying you should break things off with him for good, but maybe you could tell him you need some time to get well before you can perticipate in a relationship. He might understand and give you the time you need to get help. If he's hurting you physically or emotionly it's wrong. After you feel better (and you will) don't allow him to do that anymore.

I understand the cutting. When your whole world turns dark and there is no feeling at all, you get a little relief from the cutting and feeling the blood. I want so bad for you to get past that point. I guess it's the maternal side of me talking now.

The right antidepressant can help you. It might take a while to find one that works for you because we are all different. A psychiatrist can do best at finding the one that will help you the most. I have been on a very old AD for over 20 years and recently had a set back and my Dr. added lexapro. It works on anxiety and depression. I'm starting to feel much better now. It's not easy, especially at onset. As time goes by, the right meds and things you will learn can make you very comfortable.

I'm sorry your family isn't supportive, but mine isn't either. You have made new people to talk to by coming here to this board. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. Good Luck and Take Care......Connie :wave:

you're surrounded by abusive people, some physically, some emotionally. One of the tactics that abusers use to gain control over you is to get you to doubt yourself. It's called gaslighting. It comes from an old movie where the lady knew she saw a light come on and the guy kept telling her no she didn't, and she ended up doubting her own perception. I'm not sure if I told the story just right, but that's the jist of it.

Don't let him gaslight you.

You need to get away from these people, they're not helping you. They're not a support system.

Hello rabbitts

I think you have been given some good advice here. My parents are similar to yours and 7 mths ago, after years of deep depression, I somehow found myself asking for 'space' from them all and some friends. I am in recovery now. I have realised alot of things. Most of the time as a child, there was no communication, over recent years if I've ask questions about my past they very often didn't remember or I was lied to. With my parents I know they're in denial and would prefer everyone else to be aswell.

Doubting my own intelligence was all due to those people and the fact that they were the judge and jury. Now since I dettached from them I am finding that the new people in my life are now wittnesses to the new 'me'
I think for a lot of people, the chemical imbalance is down to the 'happy' chemical not being triggered.
When you feel ready you'll be able to take on some of the advice from here and find your way. Your the ingelligent one, the only reason people put you down is because your more knowledgable and putting you down makes them feel like they have power.

Try to trust your instincts, if you really feel strongly about something it's probably right. My counsellor has been my road to recovery. Take Care debdough :angel:

hey sweetie, i just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me if you want. I also just need someone to talk to as well. I understand what you mean though about verbal abuse. It can feel and hurt alot worse then physical abuse. I sware i would beg people that i would fight with to please stop saying cruel things to me i would rather you just beat the **** out of me then use your words. I was a model at one point and whats funny about it is so many people say im so attractive and w/e but i never believe them. I just dont think i am, and to me looks mean nothing it really is on whats on the inside that counts. And to many people have just used me and i hate it. I just want to be loved for who i am on the inside not the outside and im so afraid i wont ever be. But if you need someone to talk to you can always talk to me.
Take care
And i wish you the best of luck