Hi everyone. Just some background info for those who haven't read my other thread or don't remember....I am 29 year old mother of 1 toddler and have been on 100 - 150mg hydro/oxy / day for most of 2 years. I tried detoxing in November of '05 and caved after 2 weeks when the anxiety and stomach problems got the better of me. I am set to do it again. I went to my doctor on Monday and spoke to him about going on diasability for a month or 2 for a condition I have called deQuere Vanes syndrome (swelling in the wrist and hand) and he said to go ahead and pick a date. I think that a lot of the reason why I aborted my detox was because I had to get better and go back to work, I had missed nearly 2 weeks as it was and was afraid I'd lose my job. Now I don't have to worry about that, I can take my time getting well. My only major concern is my inability to care for my daughter. I have family willing to help me, including taking her to their house for as long as I need. But the anxiety and depression made me feel so guilty and anxious about getting her home that it added to the mental problems so much and I took her back after 5 days. But I would get such bad panic attacks that I was afraid to hold her or walk down stairs holding her, I would shake when I was trying to feed her, it was terrible. I was litterally terrified that I would drop her or accidently hurt her that I couldn't function alone with her. I have unlimited access to xanax, and I would take a 1/2 of a .25 pill when the anxiety would get real bad, which was about 3 times a day, but for someone like me, it isn't a good idea to use that stuff on a daily basis. I don't want to detox from pain killers just to get a benzo habit. I hear wd's from that stuff is just as bad if not worse. Anyway, I know that this time has to be the last time. I don't have to worry about work, I have help from family and friends, and my husband is being very understanding, but this is the second time in 6 months that he has to watch me do this and pick up the slack. He will not be very understanding if I don't make it. So I am taking the vitamins recomended by the Thomas Detox plan and will make my last day of work Friday, April 14th because I have to cover for my boss a couple days between now and then when he'll be away. So I will begin my detox by taking my last pill that day. I am so scared. I am scared of the wd's, the pain, the sweating, the restless legs, the anxiety and depression, and last time I had a fever of about 99.5 the whole 2 weeks and lost 5 lbs. (I was only 93 to start with). I just hope that I can ride it out this time, I didn't think I would feel so awful still after 2 weeks last time. I figured by 2 weeks I would feel like my old self again, but instead I felt like I would never feel any better. I am so afraid that I will just feel like that forever! Please, I need a pep talk!
Amy

Just wondering, couldnt you have the doctor cut the dosage gradually on these instead of going cold turkey? I have heard that going cold turkey is not good for a person at all! When my husband went off his morphene sulfate, the doctor gradually cut the dosage each month or two depending on how he was doing with it. It worked great! Not to say he didnt have wd's but they were definately not as bad as they could have been! I am sure it took you awhile to get where you are at on the meds, it should make sense that it should take time to get off them! Just my thoughts on it, but might be worth talking to the doc about, why make it so rough on yourself if you dont have to? ( and your family too for that matter) No matter how you go about it, I wish you the best. ~Breny

I know all too well the feelings of depression, anxiety and the pure negativity that comes with experiencing the low down trodden feelings.

What helps me is to try to remember that, I myself, am the one that is dealing with all the negative feelings, anxiety, etc because my poor body is reacting to all the crap I have put into (Hydro's, anti-anxiety meds) and that the low down feelings will go away. I think for us pill heads it is hard to have patience. Patience for the fact that, hey we can't find the magic elixir to be rid of our dependence on pills so I need to be accepting of the depression part while detoxing.

The great news is that the negative depressive feelings and thoughts are temporary. Your mind and body will heal, but we need to be gentle with ourselves during the process. With that said I guess I just try to NOT RESIST when the overwhelming depressive negativity starts to consume me. Easier said then done, but I try to tell myself that the negative depressive symptoms are part of the process and that I don't have to give in to them. Rather I can just tell myself that "This too shall pass".

In fact I named all those negative depressing thoughts and feelings as "oh yeah this THING is here right now, but this THING will not be with me forever. It is temporary, although it feels like it is forever.

Be gentle with yourself. Good luck and my prayers and hugs are sent your way!!!

Thank you both for replying! Breny - I can't step down because I have no will power. If I have pills, I take them. If I try to set a goal each day, a lower # of pills, I always always fail. It is the nature of the disease for me, I have tried to taper many times and I have never made it more than one day. CT is the only way I have ever gotten off these things, and I've done it probably 10 times in my life, but never after using for this length of time. Other times were 1 month at the most. This time it's almost 2 years! That is what is scaring me, immagining how bad coming off after almost 2 years will be when I know how darn bad coming off only one month was! Anyway, I am deterimined to succeed this time. I feel I have no choice. I owe it to myself, my husband and most of all that beautiful baby girl that I adore so freekin' much! I always say I would do ANYTHING for her, well, this is when I need to prove that I mean that!
I will keep everyone posted, but please, anyone with experience and success in home DT please post, I need the encouragement.
Thanks all,
Amy

have you tried NA yet. It's true that you can stop, but it seems to me that you have a problem with staying stopped; once the pills are gone, all those life issues that we stuffed back with the pills will come back to haunt us and for that we will need support and help. So I suggest to anyone to try NA and any support group structure they can get their hands on (beyond these boards, with real people at hand to hold you and speak to you etc.) NA and AA are in the phone and if you have a desire to quite, you are welcome at the meeting NOW even if you're not yet clean. A desire to stop is the only pre-requisite.

Best Wishes with it all.....

Actually, I have a friend who is in NA and who is encouraging me to come to a meeting with him. He goes twice a week, only problem is he lives an hour away and I would really rather go my first time with someone who knows everyone there and knows the ropes. When I am off of work and after I detox, I will have the time to go to a meeting with him. I believe that it can help me, I do have an addition problem in general, always have. So thank you for the advice, I am planning on giving it a try. But for now, I am just concentrating on getting out of work and in a position to detox, hopefully for the last time.

hydrohead, your really in a great position to detox. not many people have a husband that is so helpful, family to help take care of your daughter and time off work? that is GOLD for you right now. you are so very lucky in that regard. I would DEFINTLEY have your family take your daughter for at least the first 3-5 days as your going to feel so icky and will need to just sleep. having to take care of a baby is not going to be easy or fun being so sick. what happens if you get the runs, your not going to want to take the baby in the bathroom with you as that will be to stressful... I would at least try and have a family member take her for a few days, or have someone come to your house to take care of her while your sick to me that is just to hard to do and to scary. your going to need to just rest and get well and consentrate on YOU take advantage of the help that is being offered to you. it will only be for a few days have someone come in yoour home if your to scared to ahve her go to there home. I feel like this time you can DO IT. you have so much going for you right now with all the support I just think with that alone you can make it this time.

good luck keep us posted!

Thanks for the vote of confidence, slippery! I know I am very lucky to be in the position I am in - to take off from work indeffinately, have help in my home and out if I chose to send my daughter to Mom's for a week - if I can't manage to do it this time with all these things in my favor, it is time to recognize my weakness and go to a sub doctor, something I don't want to do only because I want to try for another little one in 6 months or so and can't do that if I am on sub (well they say you can, but the baby has a good chance of coming out addicted and I don't want to start his/her life out with an addiction!). So I am going to give it my all this time. I know it will be hard, but I also know that I need so very badly to quit this ugly cycle of abuse. I do not want to be addicted to ANYTHING. I need FREEDOM! I hate how this addiction has effected my life and the lives of my loved ones. I can't count howmany times I have picked up my daughter late after work because I needed to stop and fill my rx or needed to meet my dealer when I was out. The pills have always come first, over myself, over my daughter, over my husband, and I am so ashamed! The only way I will ever be able to look at myself and believe that I am a good Mother, a good Wife and a good Person, is to free myself of this ugly demon. God, I need this to work this time. I am just so affraid because of what happened in Nov. '05. I got through the first 3 days without a hitch - I took ambien and xanax and slept through most of those days. And I thought I was home free when on day 4 I didn't feel like killing myself. But then on day 5 the stomach stuff started, I lost so much weight my husband thought I should go to the hospital. I had a fever of 99.5 - 100 the whole rest of the time and I couldn't eat a thing. The anxiety kicked in after about a week and I would just sit on the toilet, heart racing, mind racing, unable to get up. I just felt like after 2 weeks there was no end in site and I caved. But this time, I don't have to rush my recovery. I don't need to get back to work any time soon, I have help with the baby (both my parents and my inlaws are retired and would take her every day and night if I needed them to) and I can take it one day at a time without thinking "hurry up already, I've got s**t to do!" Anyway, thank you all for your replies. I am so nervous right now, I wish I could just do it today. But I guess that April 14 is close enough, and it will give me time to bulk up on the vitamins in the mean time. Please, keep posting. It feels so good to talk to people who know what I am going through. I thank you all for your support and understanding.
Amy