I do not know If I should Put this under Depression or what, I know I am depressed so I figured this is a good place to start.

To make a long story short I will just give the basics. Just over 2 years ago my wife got very sick. She ended up in ICU with sepsis. It almost killed her. She pulled threw but her life has changed completely. The infection got into her Spinal cord and damaged it. She is now partly paralyzed from the waist down. She can walk short distances but uses a Wheelchair to go out in. She is incontinent and must have help in the restroom. The infection also killed her kidneys and she has to do dialyses 3 times a week. The list goes on and on.

My problem is this. I have been caring for her for the past 2 years. I am 32 and she is 28. I feel I should be living my life with my wife, enjoying our children and our life. But this Illness has put all of our lives on hold. All my dreams and goals have vanished. All my energy is used to care for her. I am wore out, stressed and fully depressed.

I have gotten to my wits end. I no longer know what to do. I see no direction in my life anymore. I feel more like a live in nurse than a husband. I have been trying to do the right thing by staying with her and caring for her… but I am running out of energy to give… I do not know how much longer I can stay here and keep giving…

I guess the real question I have is this. At what point do I just say “that’s it, I can not take anymore”? I do not want to leave my wife, but I am afraid if I stay I am going to lose myself in this depression. I feel like I am about to snap.

I don’t know. If anyone else around my age has been threw something like this and could give me some Ideas it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance
Kaiaer

Kaier,
I understand about the "taking care of spouse "part. I have a 33 year old husband who has had 2 open heart surgeries and is disabled. I am 30 years old. I understand that you are frustrated and stressed out. We go through the depression, anxiety, frustration...etc.
Maybe you can just get away for a day or so, gather your thoughts ,and think about why you are still with your wife. Ask yourself if that was you in that wheelchair, would you want your wife to be there with you? You know that she did not choose to be sick and handicapped.
Do you have anyone that can help you? Any home health care? Maybe some kind of respite care that can come in and take over a few hours a day?
I know that I am blessed to have my husband, I cannot imagine my life without him. I thank God every day that he is still with me. We have been married for 11 years....Please take care...Im here if you need someone to chat with..........

I have checked into Home Healthcare help for my wife. My Insurance does not cover it. But the real problem is not taking care of her. I do not mind doing it at all.

The part that has my head all messed up is the not knowing what tommarrow holds. She has had a heart attack from the fluids on her body smothering her heart. She is Dietabetic and at least once a month we are in the hospitial with her blood sugars jumping over 800. (normal is 80 - 120) Yes she is taking her Meds, but when ever she gets any kind of illness her blood sugars go crazy. Her blood pressure is also out of wack. I cant remember what it jumps to but I know its 200 something over something.. I cant remember what it was. All I know is she was put in ICU and had to get a shot every 15 min to get her bloodpressure back down.

I feel I just need normality... I see people at the park playing with their kids, having a good time. I see lovers walking and holding hands... I miss all of that. I miss my family...

I understand what you are talking about. Have you been to therapy? Taking any meds to help you out? I have depression and I take meds. My husband changed after his 2nd open heart surgery 2 years ago. He is not the same person. I wish I had the right answers for you. Im here if you need someone to talk to......

No I havent been to therapy. But how will they Help? Its not like Im depressed just to be depressed. This is a real problem with no soloution. I mean Yes I have talked to coworkers, My pastor, my doctor... But all I get is the same thing. "Im sure its hard, you are doing the right thing. Just keep your head up"... Ok, that helps None at al...

Am I doing the right thing? Taking care of her Yes, provideing for her, Yes. But I am negleting myself. I am tired of everyone talking about how hard it is on her.. I probaly know better than anyone else how hard it is on her. I care for everyday.

But when Do I look at what I am going threw? It has gotten so bad that my 9 year old son will ask me at times "Are you happy today Dad?" thats no question my 9 year old needs to be asking me. This whole situation has compleatly destroyed me and I dont know how to put myself back together.

*sigh* Im sorry If I sound angry. I am just really frustrated.

Kaiaer

Hi,

I'm sorry for you, as well as your wife. I think in a situation like this, the welfare of both husband and wife need to be exaimed. You're not a selfish man. You are only human and you need relief. Not just short time, a change in the way you're living your life.

God, I don't want to sound cruel, because marriage is for "in sickness and heath," but there has to be a way for you to get some enjoyment out of life. You're a very kind man. I don't feel as though you are looking for a way out to be selfish. It's more like, what good will it do if you get so depressed that you are both sick.

I do believe your depression is situational. Mine is clinical. Big difference. Meds can make my problems go away. They can't make yours.

I'm wondering if your wife can communicate at all. Would it be possible to talk to her about this?? I really feel like she is the only person that can set you free without you suffering great guilt.

Situations like this are so sad. My Mom and Dad were married 60 years before my Dad passed away. He didn't get sick until after he retired.

You have your children to consider, also. Again, maybe you can sit down and talk with them. As them their feelings.

You love for your wife won't die. You are mourning all the things you wanted to do with her. I wish there was more I could do. I feel so helpless.

Please keep in touch so we know how you're doing. Take Care....Connie

Hi Kaiaer,

Geez, you're in a caregiver's role very very early in life, for what we all "expect" from life. Being a caregiver for anyone, even in the years one expects to be is very emotionally and physically exhausting. I know from Alzheimer's support info that caregiver burn out with that is very high, but it doesn't just apply to those caring for Alzheimer folks. I'm sure it would apply to your situation as well. The trouble is, even if you search for caregiver support most of what you'll find is for those caring for the elderly. It may be worth a try though. At the very least, the feelings experienced could be parallel, even tho the ages may differ.

Your doctor told you to just keep your head up?!? Eeesh, does s/he not recognize depression when s/he sees it? Medication or/and therapy can be very helpful, situationally initiated or physically. It all ends up the same place if the situation carries on and on.

A therapist could help with "just" having a place to vent your honest feelings. You do feel angry, you do feel frustrated. I don't blame you one bit. In some ways you feel trapped, in others you wouldn't change your situation. A therapist is there to allow you to feel how you are feeling, not judge your feelings but to validate them and help you deal with them/the situation. It could mean reframing how one looks at the situation, or it could mean making changes of some kind.

It could be that if you (for legal purposes) divorced your wife she would then qualify for home health care. You could be the live-in "boyfriend" if that is indeed true about her qualifying. What about medicaid or medicare? If you have cut back your employment, reduced your market-ability, and/or stand to pay out of pocket astronomical sums of money to get the care needed for your wife, check out some of the Alzheimer's sites for their insight on financial aspects. There's a lot of history and therefore shared knowledge and experience to draw from, just taken to a different context.

Meanwhile, post here for your own support and a place to vent. Prayers for you and your family.

K., I am so sorry for you and your family. I empathize with you. My mother suffers from a number of severe health problems, and it has taken a toll on my father and me and my sister. I am now grown and married, but growing up, my mom couldn't always do the traditional "mommy" things. Nor can she always be there for my dad physically or emotionally. It is hard for him. He loves her and cares for, but I have seen him get frustrated, hopeless, and angry. But he is still there, taking it one day at a time.

I think maybe therapy might be very helpful--a third party you can talk to who is not biased, emotionally involved, and so forth. A therapist can help you explore your feelings, validate your experience, and give you the support you need. It might also be helpful if you and your wife go to therapy together. It might help you two open a discussion about how you are feeling, and a therapist can help you learn ways to cope with your experience.

As a child of a mom who was chronically ill, I would also recommend that you take time with your children to create "normal" moments. Do things with them that dads do with their kids. Take them to the park on a Saturday afternoon, or take them miniature golfing one evening. Try too to create activities that involve you, your wife, and the kids--time when you can spend together as a family and do something fun and not focus on your wife's illnes and healthcare.

May God bless you. Take care.

K, my heart aches for you. You and your wife are going thur all this at such a young age. I am glad that you found this forum to talk about everything. Sometimes just getting it out is of help. I think you have to allow yourself to mourn the life that you had dreamed of for your family. You have to mourn it and let it go. And I think a therapist would be essential in this process. You have EVERY right to feel the way you do. I feel angry, self pity, resentment towards my husband all for things he has no control over. Feeling these things does not make you a bad person/husband/father. I am sure your wife has some very strong feelings about the loss of her health as well.
I think what you have to start doing, and I am sure your wife would want you to, is start doing things that give you happiness out of life.Every day!! Take time for yourself, go do fun things with your children, which I feel is the utmost importance. They probably have feelings of their own which they find hard to express. No matter how difficult your day has been it is so important that you have done something no matter how small for yourself that has given you back something. We have an column in our local paper about "caregivers" and the rate of depression amongst them. It is very high. I bet if you searched you could find some kind of support group for caregivers. You are all probably going thru the same type of feelings.
Anyway, I am not sure that any of this made any sense. But I do feel strongly about you looking after youself. This is after all your life too and although it has veered drastically off of what you envisioned, you just have to creat a new vision for your family. And most of all think of your kids, and what memories you wish for them to look back on . We don't know why these types of things happen, but rest assured you are passing the test. You are a very caring giving compassionate husband and father,and don't every feel otherwise. Your feelings are completely natural and you just need to find some support to talk things out. I will be thinking of you. sharon

Hi all, I thank you for all the responces.

A lot that was said I have tried. the thing I keep hearing is "You need to take time for yourself" I have tried. the problem there is my wife then gets upset at me because she cant just go out and do what she wants. If I go to my best friends house to just hang out and goof off, My cell phone is ringing off the hook with her wanting me home. Yea she could go out with her family or something when I go over there, but some times when I feel I need to get out that is not an option. I went over to my best friends house once and withing 30 min's of getting there the phone was ringing with her telling me I needed to come home and get her some advil.

Its just really hard. We were having problems before this happened and this has just made it that much harder. Yes, I feel trapped. Yes I feel like my life is out of countrol. No, im not happy, I am compleatly in dispare. I just want to scream at the world and dare someone to look at me funny for it. I have all this pent up frustration and anger in me and I feel like im about to snap.

Here is a question. At what point do I quit doing the "right" thing in everyones eyes and start to look at myself? When do I look at my feelings and my wants? When do I just throw the towel in and say "I have done my best, I have nothing left to give." I have to look at how this is effecting me. I Can not continue on like this. I will blow a fuse and then I will be no good to anyone. *sigh*

I dont know anymore. I just dont know...

Thanks Daniel

You need to do whatever you feel is right.

Good luck.

I don't think that there is any easy answer to this. Other than maybe you should start with couples councelling to see it you can really make it work. We can't sit here and say that you should leave your wife, because we don't know all sides of the story. Only a professional can help you with that and If that is what it comes down to, then they will also be there for you to sort those feelings thru. Do what you feel you need to in your heart. Thinking of you. Sharon

well Daniel,

It's not just you feeling angry and trapped. Your wife, from your description, seems to be laying a guilt trip on you. No wonder you're at the end of your rope!! Being able to get away to visit with a good friend isn't a bad thing at all. Apparently, your wife feels otherwise, for whatever her reasons.

You're at or near the point of throwing your hands up in the air and just walking out, completely, because you can't take it anymore.

A parallel story...my dad's wife was with my dad for 12+ years. He's an ornery guy; I don't know how she did it. He had this habit of subtly setting things up so it was no win, no matter what choice you made. Anyway, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Pretty much 4 months later she left and divorced him. I totally don't blame her. Not one bit. Aside from HIM being how he is, she was brought up in a different country with maids from the time she was born. Being dad's nursemaid just wasn't in her. Nor was it in my sister or me. We found him a graduated care facility near my sister, in an area of the country he's familiar with. It was NOT a popular choice. We were very aware that the "right" thing to do was to take him in and nurse him, with one of us girls. However, he would have undermined either one of our marriages in very short work. Not to mention we both had young kids to also take care of. Dad's getting good care. He and mom always said they'd never want to be a burden on us. Mom wasn't. Now dad isn't either. It maybe sounds cold to some people, but everyone's got to do what they need and/or can do. No one else is walking in their shoes.

You maaaaaaay want to see about meds, for you. Being under this stress for this long, you will be (are) depressed. That just makes decision-making sooooo much more difficult. And also rash behavior that much more likely. Find a counselor. Seriously. I finally found a good one, and it makes a world of difference. Once you are feeling a bit better again, if you think it might help at all, perhaps you could both go to couples counseling. She needs to hear that you do deserve to get out of the house and be with your friends some times. She's possibly scared to death that you'll leave her (or that you're out with another woman), but being clingly like it sounds like she is is having the opposite effect of what she wants. It may be worth trying to talk to her about that, when you're both having a calmer moment.

On the other hand, you may be ready to slam the door with the two of you on opposite sides. Try to take care of anything you might regret afterwards before you do that. The people at the hotlines and such can be good listeners, even if a person isn't about to create a crisis. It may be a start, and they may have referrals to counselors in your area.

gl, and keep us posted, keep on venting,

I also wanted to reiterate what macadamianNut said about your wife fearing that you may have found someone else. Do you think with all the phone calls she may just be checking up on you?? What I think you probably already know is that neither choice is going to be an easy one. I want to tell you that you should just walk away if your heart isn't in it anymore, which it really sounds like it isn't. I don't know that I could be handling it any different than you. And I can totally relate to EVERY feeling that you are having and beating yourself up for. This choice isn't going to be the popular one, so when and if you decide to make it, you better have exhausted all your resources and put your whole heart into making things work relationship wise. It doesn't matter that your wife is disabled, if you have no loving relationship left. It is so hard to give you advice, because I know that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would want to know that my husband/ father of my children, was going to be my soft place to fall. When your world feelslike it is falling down around you, there has to be someone who will love you unconditionally. I still say that having a professional to talk to is a good place to start. And be honest with them about how you feel. Get right to the point. I know you said that you have spoken with your pastor and dr, but have you really gotten down to your true feelings??? Anyway, not that this made any real sense, but I just wanted to say that we know that this is not an easy decision, but there are answers out there if you just look for them and talk to the right people. sharon

Thanks again all for the post

The thing about the meds to help with the depression. I have tried that raod. We can not find anything that will help. I am currently taking Zoloft which helped a lot with my Panic attacks, but its doing nothing for my depression. This is Real Life. I believe there is no meds that will help untill I help the situation.

Im not sure I have said this or not but I have been talking to my pastor of my church. He has all the paper work for councelling. I have talked to the Employee Assistanit Program (EAP) at my job. I have had no good guideance. I think because none of these people have any idea what I am going threw, they trally dont know what to say.

I have searched out Caregiver support online. I have found a few Chat rooms to go and talk in, but they all were for careing for the elderly. Yea this is kinda the same thing, but then again its not. Im 33 next week, and my wife just turned 28. I still have a lot of years ahead of me. Can I continue careing for my wife like this? Can I handle not haveing some form of normality? I mean do not get me wrong. It is not that I mind careing for her, there is a lot more going on behind this. Without getting into to much detail, I can not get her to help me any without me getting mad at her first and then she finally relizes I was right. I will give an example. She will sit on the couch all day and watch tv. There will be cloths that needs to be folded on the couch next to her. It does not get done. Then when my Off day comes from work, Instead of trying to enjoy myself, I am stuck here Cleaning, Folding, Bla, Bla, bla...

We had a long talk last night, I think we are going to try a seperation for a while. I just told her at this rate, Im going to snap and then I will be no good to anyone. Is it the right choice? Who knows?.. But something has to give before I do.

Thanks
Daniel

Daniel, I am glad that you have sat down and spoken with your wife about how you feel. Obviously she is in agreement that you need a trial separation. Ihope only the best for you and your family. Especially the children. Please keep in touch and let us know how you and your family are doing. Sharon