Ive been taking vicodin and percs on and off for the last 5 years. Pretty heavily the last 2 years, now that I have 2 connections. Im so sick of them running my life, everything I do revolves around them, I hate it! Im just so scared to do it. Everytime I plan to quit, I take the remainder of my pills , say thats it, then wake up and get more, cuz I dont want to deal with the depression and pain.

Last summer, one day I had enough and just stopped for about a month, no withdrawls , so happy..and then thought i had control and bought a few and it just escalated more and more back to the norm. I think im waiting for that to happen again but its not.

Ive been reading these posts for the last few months and find encouragement from them. Ive finally built up the courage to join and actually ADMIT that I do have a problem. Nobody knows about my addiction, nobody. I need to talk to someone, I think that would help me come to terms with it, and come up with a plan to quit for good.

Ill be waiting to hear from someone, and looking very forward to it, I need the inspiration. Thank you.

I think I can help a little here since I'm going through this right now. First thing is is plan ahead, its hard enouph to stop but impossible if you have to go to work. Every single time I tried to not take anything for a day or so work would always drive me back to them. Ussually I would have someone bring them to my job thats how bad it was. I've never made it this far before but I've also never had the time off. It seems do able this way. Expect no energy, Horrible diarrea, aches and pains, restlessness, and just about anything else your body can throw at you to drive you back. Most importantly for me anyways was to understand whats going on with my body. Here's what I've gotten out of my research. With any addiction the receptors in your brain in my case opiates or "pleasure sensors"work on the "reward system". You give them what they want they reward you,by in my case making me feel "normal". If you don't give in to them however your body is willing to throw just about anything at you that has worked before to get the drug it feels it needs. In my case the diarrea has always worked before so why wouldn't it work this time. Expect this, plan for it. I know my body better than anyone else so Immodium was right at the top of my list. Unfortunately. What has happened in the past and has worked will happen again, but like I said plan for it. If you lose energy when you don't have your pills expect it 10 fold, so therefore vit B-6, B-12, and folic was next on my list. Since I knew I would be homebound for about a week or so I got lots of fluids mostly juices and teas which have helped greatly. If you enjoy music load up your mp3 player,I listened to music all day and night since I couldn't sleep and daydreamed about all the great things I could do without my addictions...It helped more than anyone could ever know. The good news is is that those receptors will give up, from what I understand in 5-7 days. They finally exept their not going to get what they want and move on. Your body knows what to do to rid you of the toxins but your subconsious addiction will fight it tooth and nail. Work with your body give it what it needs to heal and you will win. It is actually pretty amazing that your body can take years worth of punishment and in no time (in a lifespan sense) get you back up and running. Go to the store, call your job, throw away the pills, and within no time you'll be back on your feet feeling great. We are all here for you and if an addict like me can make it through anyone can.

Well my main point to add is that anyone can stop, with the right ingredients and willpower etc, but the biggest problem is staying stopped. Once the pills are gone, we are stuck with ourselves and nothing to anesthetize ourselves (ideally, no alcohol etc.) So our life issues will rear themselves up at some point and we will need to face them and we will need support at some point, maybe early on maybe later on, but it's best to start generating that web of support right from that start.

So I would sincerely encourage anyone in your position who has a desire to quite drugs to try NA and visit at least 7 meetings in 10 days. Give them a call, they are in the phone book and will be very warm and welcoming, trust me and the help will be next to none for someone in your position.

I was addicted to crack cocaine in the late 80's for three years. This drug controlled my life. I thought that I could handle it, I had certain days to get high, such as rainy days, then it became that a sunny day was also good then it became everyday was a good day to get high. I thought I was doomed to go to jail or die. My flesh craved this drug, at anytime, the empty pipes talked to me. I lost weight, could not stay in a relationship (well they did not matter unless I was getting money or the drug) and be honest. This drug made me not want to go to work, keep food in my home for my kids, pay my bills and be around family (friends) memebers. There were nights that I would cry and scream out God help me, I do NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I got to the point that I could not handle money, it became a cousin to crack. All of this was 15 years ago, YES. Drug free, depression free, my mind is alert, I am healthy, and I do not have any desire to every do drugs again. :bouncing: I simply think about all the hell I went through while on this drug and it is enough to keep me from going back.
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:bouncing:
I was clean in one day :bouncing: I found something to fight the little demons that wanted to destroy and kill me. I am thankful today that I LOVE TO LIVE AND LIVE TO LOVE. We have to fight this addiction with something greater than the drug itself. Until people realize that they cannot fight it on their own they will continue to battle their worst demon of whatever addiction it is. Once I became clean, I learned to do better because I knew better. I now refuse to allow any drug to CONTROL MY LIFE. I sometime see friends that I use to hang out with and my prayer is they will all escape from the hold that is over their life.

Thank you so much for replying to my message. It helps tremendously. Your right , I just throw myself into quitting , no plan, and fail. I need to load my house up with the right stuff to help me through it, pretend I have the flue and fight it right?! ahhhh...why did I ever try the stupid little pills. So stupid. Now, how long ago did you quit? and how do you feel? Are you happy? I hope so. I want to know that I can be happy after, but then again Im not happy now. When you said you used your mp3 player alot, I thought, I dont have one. But hello, with the money Ill save by not buying pills I can easily buy one. Did you have to wean yourself off, or did you quit cold turkey?? I want to write more, but I have to run out real quick. I would love to add you to my buddy list if you dont mind? ANd again thank you SO much for replying. It feels so good to talk to someone about my addiction and be completely honest.

Actually I quit only 7 days ago and I already feel like a million. I was taking an insane amount of Morphine between 200 and 300 mgs. per day for about 3 months. And a little less or more for a couple years before that depending on what I could afford. I never actually tried or accepted withdrawal before last sunday I would always find a way to scrape by if nothing else, ussually with vicodin, percs, or oxy's. But my nitch was always with morphine. It was last thursday I think that I finally looked at myself as an addict and it hit me hard. I could no longer get "high" from them and had to use them just to feel normal as you had said. It sounds to me that you are in the same place I was in just 10 days ago. This is going to sound a little bad but its something you have to expect. It sucks, withdrawal hurts and hurts a lot, at least for me it did, but looking back on it I wouldn't have had it any other way. If it was not so bad I probably would have run back to them the first time I had a headache. The pain which was intense but only lasted a couple of days was memorable enouph to keep me from ever wanting to experience it again. If you can accept that, buckle down, and help your body along, you are ready now. I didn't wean myself off at all it was stone cold turkey, sat. 300 mgs. sunday 0. As far as I was concerned I wanted it out of my body as soon as possible I also believe lowering your dosage over weeks or even days just prolongs your withdrawals. Your body won't like any lesser amount so why drag it along. As far as me being happy I'm saving between 30.00 and 45.00 a day, my energy is emerging through the roof and I actually felt so good about myself I quit smoking last night. You will feel powerful and in control when your hell week is over, if you are anything like me and you understand what a huge and difficult thing you have done, you will be on cloud 9. As for the buddy list you don't even have to ask, it would be my pleasure. When your ready and prepared, we will all be here for you. Jams detox plan at the top of front page saved my life, make sure you check it out if you haven't already. Here's to a speedy recovery.........CJR

Wow!.. Im doing it...I have a few pills left, 3 to be exact...Done..I have to be.. You should be so proud of yourself! And you sound sooo happy. I cant believe you are quitting smoking too. That will be my next battle. So you were spending about the same amount of $$ as me on them. Ridiculous. When I really let myself think about it..$900 a month or more..Where that could go? Its bad.. It makes me have so much hope that here you are only 7 days into being clean and you are doing so great and made it!! Im going to find James detox plan and use that to start my plan, and reread these messages. Thank you again sooo much!! Its so wonderful to know someone is here for me. It helps a lot. I will certainly be updating you on my progress and I would love for you to do the same.

Wow!.. Im doing it...I have a few pills left, 3 to be exact...Done..I have to be.. You should be so proud of yourself! And you sound sooo happy. I cant believe you are quitting smoking too. That will be my next battle. So you were spending about the same amount of $$ as me on them. Ridiculous. When I really let myself think about it..$900 a month or more..Where that could go? Its bad.. It makes me have so much hope that here you are only 7 days into being clean and you are doing so great and made it!! Im going to find James detox plan and use that to start my plan, and reread these messages. Thank you again sooo much!! Its so wonderful to know someone is here for me. It helps a lot. I will certainly be updating you on my progress and I would love for you to do the same.

Please keep us informed. This is really quite simple, just not always easy.

Hey there wantostop, I'm working on 72 hours without a smoke. It sure would be nice to say it's a piece of cake but of course its not. One thing that keeps me from smoking is the fact that I don't want to post that I had one. So everyone here is actually helping me along. Your right it is great to not feel alone, and I give a lot of credit to this board and the wisdom surrounding it. Still drugfree, Still smiling. :)

As for you I am so happy :D you want to take back control. I promise you when its all over you will feel so much better about yourself. Remember if you have any questions or concerns don't hesitate to post. I will use every resource I can to help you through this and keep you from ever having to go through it again. All the best. CJR

You are wonderful! Geuss what? Yesterday I took my very last pill, printed the james wd detox, went to the store and bought everything needed to quit. And I havnt had a pill since. Not doing too too bad. I had a tough time sleeping. Very very achy and of course the one thing I couldnt find was the hylands leg cramp meds. Im just allowing myself to be lazy and go with the aches and weakness. I think before when Id want to quit Id still try to do my everyday routine and If it hurt to much Id give up and buy more. Yesterday I stayed home from the gym, lounged, told my husband I wasnt feeling well (which I feel really guilty about not telling him the truth). Today I stayed in bed till 10:30(thank god my daughter is now potty trained, and can get her drinks and food ouf of fridge on own).. If she doesnt get a bath its not gonna kill her . Its for a good cause. Im not gonna feel guilt for not doing what I usually do, make supper, clean , work out etc.. It will all be worth it when Im free and clean and will make me a better mommy and wife. My next hurdle is work tonight, I have to be there at 4:00, Im a waitress. I want to try to make it, but Im a little nervous.
CONGRATULATIONS on quitting smoking on top of everything else justquit...That is so great!!! Keep it up.. The first 3 weeks I always found the hardest, if you can make it past that youll be golden!..
If it wasnt for you I wouldnt be this far into giving up the pills, and for that I already consider you a great friend..thank you so much!

well done so far, stick with it, "one day at a time" and when it really hurts "one moment at a time." That's the real essense of getting clean. ONce you've sorted that you know my take on getting sober :-) Remember Clean and Sober aren't the same......

Could you explain the clean and sober arent the same? Thanks

Could you explain the clean and sober arent the same? Thanks

I will give you my explanation. Clean is the act of stopping our use, sobriety is what we do to stay stopped.

Wantostop... Sounds wonderful to hear you want the important things in life like to be a better mommy and wife instead of the pills. Day 1 IS the BEGINNING of the new you that you want to be. It will probably get worse before it gets better but I really believe that you are as prepared as you need to be. Remember the reasons you want to quit, think about being the old you before the addiction, and how happy you where. Think of how happy and healthy you will be. Your right about your routine, don't try to do to much, just stay focused on the end of the day and like Blasterboy said when it hurts one moment at a time. As for your husband, you know him best, if you don't think he'll be 100% supportive don't tell him. You can always fess up after its not a problem anymore. The pain of withdrawal is temporary and will go away with or without the drugs. All the best, and I am SO HAPPY for you, stick with it.
YOUR FRIEND JustQuit

your right, it has gotten worse. worse then this morning. I had to call in to work with the flue. But thats ok. its worth it. No matter how bad I feel im not gonna give in. I know ill be getting a call from my connection tommorow, and i cant wait to tell her Im all set. I cant wait till pay day thursday, to be able to actually use the money for bills first rather than pills and then whats left bills. Cant wait to catch up , and not feel guilty for the financial probs knowing they are mainly my fault. Im gonna do it, I wish it didnt hurt so much but itll make it that much easier to not go back. Thanks for clearing up clean and sobriety for me. So now im clean and working on sobriety...

thank you for your support blasterboy..I can certainly use all I can get...means a lot, a real lot!

Like Constant says sobriety is what we do to stay stopped from our DOC. For me this is mainly Alcohol, although I can be addicted to other drugs and activities if I don't allow my 12 step program to run my life.

In sobriety you can have what's termed a "dry drunk," this is someone who's stopped drinking/using and yet is not facing their life issues and is really not a happy chappy. This person in some ways might be better drunk (it usually comes to that unless they have a real coping method beyond drugs,) of course ultimately this is not the way any addict should be, so the dry addict stays an angry and unhappy person who stays clean and "sober" (although not emotionally sober.)

Remember Addiction is a Spiritual, Emotional and physical illness and so it needs treating on all three areas’ if we are to recovery from the destruction that this awful illness has rowte on our life. I've faced this through AA and the 12 steps and continue to do so on a daily process, I have to as new things come to me as I grow in sobriety. This program approach is usually best suited to people who've really reached a place of complete inner surrender (Ego Deflation) and have no where else to turn. Not many people these days like the idea of this; but the truth is through this apparent weakness we find our inner strength in the 1st step when we admit We are Powerless over Alcohol/Drugs and that our lives have become Unmanageable! note this 1st step has two parts to it; it's a very important part of the step. Too many people miss the 3rd part!

Anyhow I hope you're doing well right now and I hope this helps some.

Best Wishes

Blaster

Blaster...Now how long has it been since your last drink? And did you initially do it on your own or did you go to aa or something similar?
I didnt know there was actually a term dry drunk...this is what scares me the most, just living day to day just because. Always yearning and missing the high. thats no way to live either. I need to find my passions and what makes me happy. When I really think about it, ive been hooked on something since i was 12. First it was alcohol, got really out of control. Untill I met my husband . He helped me work through that. Then I was really happy untill I had oral surgery, 6 years ago (13 teeth pulled)..my first experience with pain pills and Ive been hooked ever since. Quit while pregnant (That was a real bad experience) happy once again and stupidly after baby went back. I dont want to go back. I have to remind my self how hooked i get. What is the best way to do this? Must be AA for you ?? Sorry for rambling. It helps to get my thought together and to understand the pattern.
So Im on day 3, no pills, I actually feel better today then yesterday. Very ancy(sp.) connection gets her refill today. Thanks again for replying back!

I’ve been sober a few years now, but I could only ever manage 3 weeks clean without the support of AA. I would get clean and start to feel fresh and better and the confidence would come gushing back and I would think "one drink wouldn't hurt would it???" And by then it was too late. It could have been anything that led to that thought, but by the time that thought hit (long before actually) I was already drunk in my mind. So that’s why I had to learn how to face life on life's terms.

Many non addict people out there have problems in life, but they don't have this big RED “F~~K IT” BUTTON that when pressed leads to my self destruction and often to those around me. Apparently when upset those normal people have a "cup of tea" or "talk to Aunt Jessie" etc etc. But as an Addict I hate facing pain, I want to run away from it and I did for so many years and when clean a dry drunk just hangs in there on raw will power, quite the trooper, quite the hero to those on the outside; but to those on the inside, he/she can be just as bad an animal and foul mouthed as ever, the dry drunk is a scary person to live with at times, the only major difference is that society as a whole is much better of when an addict is clean, much better off.

As a recovering Alcoholic, enjoying the joys of Sobriety "One day at a Time" the only reason I'm allowed to do this is because I gave myself a chance to face up to my life issues. The program that worked for me and has worked for millions of chronic addicts around the world is the 12 step program; it's the same program for us all regardless of our addiction. If you're addicted to drugs then NA might best suite you, in fact I think in the USA there's something more specific for "Pill poppers" but I'm not sure on that. In the UK we only have NA and AA, I've been to both, but mainly go to AA, it's what works for me. If you think you’d like to try and visit an NA meeting, the ONLY requirement is a desire to stop using, you have passed that requirement already and you could go today if you wanted. It would be a huge and helpful step along the happy road of destiny IMO. The number should be in the phone book and they will be happy to hear from you; it’s never too late or too early to go, it’s only up to you.

I wish you the best however you choice to move forward 

I feel that im not strong enough because I use that "F```k I`" Button quite often. Whether its alcohol, pills or both...I feel like I need some type of support system but I dont want anyone to know. Everyone thinks I have my S~~t together. Great marriage, stay at home mom, with all the great activities library, gymnastics, arts and crafts. Own a 2 family home, go to the gym regulary. If only they knew my big dark secret. I dont want people to look at me as a drug addict. But then I hear people say that u cant do it own your own, or atleast keep sobriety on your own. And sobriety I do want to continue soo bad. Is there any type of 1 on 1 like counseling to help with drug addiction?? I just dont want to run into people I know, I live in a small country town, everyone knows everyone. Probably sounds pretty stupid to worry about what people think but I cant help it.

well I can only share my story, which is the AA/12 step way and trust me the main fundamental attitude at meetings is one of Anonymity, What you see and hear at meetings stays there, it's read out at every meeting and if you were to know anyone there they would welcome you with open arms and maybe you'd be surprised by the love and lack of judgement, especially in small time meetings. My town only has a population of 60,000 and the meetings are very intimate in that way, it's great. Quite often people have known others from the outside and their friendships have grown in a new way once they’ve got to know each other sober; but remember either way it’s strictly the case that these people friends or not shouldn’t speak about who there see at AA/NA meetings, this is strictly against the traditions of the groups and would be most frowned upon.

Personally though when I was trying to get sober, although only AA worked for me I did try various other methods and I think this is a natural progression. One of those was 1 on 1 addiction counselling. It did help, but the counsellor was real honest and told me that I would need AA and counselling if I was to have a chance, go figure, lol…..

Well that was quite helpful. I think I will start researching those avenues. I just know my ways...stay clean , get bored, this is all there is to life??? and return to drugs. That I dont want..sounds like I will definetly need support group for the long haul.

Sounds like you really are through with the alcohol and are at a very strong point in your recovery. You should be soo proud of yourself for where you are now. And also for offering your advice to help others. And you certainly are helping others. What wonderful people i have met on this board.

Thanks for your comments, it's all part of step 12, caring the message to others addicts. By doing this it helps me stay sober. We say (in AA/NA) "If you can't give it away, you can't keep it." And so we are especially motivated to help others for no special reward other than another sober day. I never take my sobriety for granted. I'm only "one drink from a drunk," so I take this recovery serious and keep doing my best in my life and when I make mistakes I try and forgive myself ASAP, it helps to be easy on myself, be doing all this I find that I have more and more peace in my heart and soul, each and every day I try. It's great, it really is ;-)

We're really lucky to have these boards with such a diverse membership, so many different stories to help people at different stages of there addiction; I think that the internet has such a great part to play in spreading the message of hope and healing in the community at large who are suffering from the pain and despair of the pills that are too easily dished out, just to keep us quite in one way or another.

I hope your days going ok WANTTOSTOP and I wish you a calm afternoon.....

You sound like u are doing it girlfriend!! Good for u!! I trie the CT a couple of weeks ago and I panicked !! I then decided I would try tapering and that is what I have been doing for about 9-10 days now.I don't know how much u were using daily but I am a wimp and even this is hard for me.U and I are similiar in that NOBODY but us and these great people on the board know of our secret life!! My family thinks I am super woman,helping everybody else and such a strong person too.I have found comming here and posting or just reading is a great encouragement and really alot of good advise and motivation to continue forward.I will be in touch and Iam cheering u on from my corner of the world!! Good Luck..I hope it passes quickly for u. Jennah

Hi Jennah...thanks so much for writing...boy do u really relate to me.. Its so true where fam and friends think were superwoman and really were far from it...and to be able to post on this site and be ourselves is such an amazing relief!!... I was taking about 6-10 a day depending on the day...It got to the point where I wasnt even getting high anymore, just wanted to feel ok. The money was a big thing, I started being irresbonsible , buying pills first then what was left over Id use for bills and food. Obviously BIlls and Food should be first priority. Stupid. Credit cards got a bit out of hand...not fair to my husband...he works so damn hard and here I am spending it on drugs. Id buy 20 to start and have it all planned out where id take 3 a day to get me through till my connection refilled. But of course it would never go that way and Id be calling her 3 days later wanting 20 more..$6 a pill gets mighty expensive... I hated how my daily activities revolved around the pills...Id for instance plan to go see my grandmother 2 hours away but only when I knew Id have plenty of pills..god forbid I run out being so far away. I looked in everyones medicine cabinets. (How low is that, ow it disgusts me) ... So what is your situations? How is tapering working for you? How exactly does that work for you? I tried that but I wasnt strong enough to take only what I was supposed to...sounds like you have a grip on it though, thats great...and just being on this board is a step in the right direction..thats what gave me the strength, all of you wonderful supportive people. I look forward to hearing back from you..thanks again for your encouragment..and good luck to you as well!!

Well I think I relate because we are all such similiar creatures when it comes to this addiction thing. We or I should say at least for myself..I thought I could do this and keep it under control ya know it's just not like me to be controlled by something like little pills!! Well we know who gets the last laugh on that thought!! I think u would be encouraged to read a post by Largeman he wrote 8 months after his battle with addiction.I think like me u will see yourself there.It really described for me myself.The way we plan and schedule and like u said...we can't even go on trips unless our meds will last!! It just controls us to the point where our life is no longer ours!! But like u I want myself back and Iam sick and tired of feeling like this!! Anyway the post I mentioned was encouraging because here was this person who was very much like me and he did it!!! So I am trying.The tapering is not easy to stick with but I guess right now it is my best effort.Just making the decision that I will stop this cycle is positive for me.Keep going forward...u can do it too!!!
later-Jennah

You've got some tough days ahead of you but when it's over, when the pain subsides, when the sweats stop, when the cold chills go away, when the depression starts to wane, what a GLORIOUS day that will be!! I was hooked on a pill they said was safe, Ultram. I took morphine, Dilaudid, Percocet 10's and Vicodin 10's for 6 months or more after hip surgery. The doctor told me it was possible that I would become addicted and have to detox. I never got addicted to those. Then came the miracle drug Ultram. It was wonderful, no side effects, just pain free. But I realized after a couple of years taking this drug that I couldn't get off it without going through terrible symptoms. I was dumb as to what withdrawal symptoms were because I had never been associated with anyone or anything involved with drugs. I tried several times without success to stop. Then I did the unthinkable, when I couldn't get prescriptions from my doctors, I found other sources like you did. I was ordering from anywhere in the world I could find the drug, Thailand, New Zealand, Africa, you name it. It broke us financially and we're still recovering from that. I realized when I began to get sores on my skin, my hair was falling out, my eyes were turning yellow, and my family looked at me like I was a NUT, it was time to do something. There were about 3 weeks of hell, cold sweats, severe aching joints, depression so low I thought I would die, extreme weakness, all the usual stuff, but after that third week, I feel so good right now I can't even tell you. IT'S WORTH EVERY AGONIZING MOMENT I SPENT IN HELL, BELIEVE ME!!! It's spring here in Georgia and for the first time in 9 years, I can actually see why everybody talks about the springs here. It's BEAUTIFUL. I feel GREAT, and I don't ever want to take another pill as long as I live. I have an open prescription at my pharmacy now for Ultram and it hasn't been filled in a month now. I have no desire to go and get it. I can actually look my husband and daughter in the face now and say "I'm back."

I'm not going to tell you it was easy because it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But I can tell you it was worth it. The first 5 days are the worst, but each day gets better and by 3 weeks, you won't believe how good you'll feel. Then you have to figure out how to forgive yourself.

I didn't do anything special, just didn't take the pills any more. I guess that's what they call cold turkey. I did drink a lot of fluids and tried to sleep with Benadryl as much as possible (which didn't help so much) but I've never been much of a sleeper anyway. I just fought through the agony and prayed and ask for God's help through this nightmare, and He brought me through, He alone.

oh my god...you must have been so scared.. and seeing yourself that way must have made u want to stop immediatly , too bad it has to be so damn hard!

I cant believe that ultram is labeled as non- addictive , I have heard so many horror stories its unbelievable to me. It sounds like the stories of people getting off heroin...It really needs to be addressed...unfortunately not everyone will be as strong as you were to fight the battle and get through those wd' and will end up living a miserable life and/or dying.

Good for you ...you did it!! you must feel on top of the world after the hell you went through... You should.. I hope I can do it too...its so hard...the body aches are the worst..I do find tyrosine w/b6 , a multivitamin and valerian root to help a lot. The tyrosine seems to help my mind stay somewhat sharp and the valerian helps take the edge off of the shakes and anxiety. Im fighting it and I plan to beat it!

Thanks for your reply and congradulations on your success!!

your absolutely right...just being here on the post and trying to taper is absolutely the 1st step in the right direction. When I first started reading the posts I found it so encouraging to quit, then Id get scared and wouldnt even come on, I didnt want to face it. My biggest step was finally posting my story. And that is what lead me to start the process of quitting. I recieved a reply from justquit and he just gave me such encouragement and hope that I began the very next day. All of you people on here are wonderful, so generous and helpful , keep coming on , its what keeps me from giving in. And I am going to find that post you were talking about, it always helps when u can relate to a story...Good luck you..keep up the good work!!!

I took vitamins and drank a lot of juice, especially orange juice, but nothing much else. I did take a few ibuprofen for the aches but after all the poison I put into my body, they didn't really help much. I could take 10 Ultram at a time without phasing me except providing the strength I needed to get through the next few hours. I'm surprised I still have a liver, and I'm going next Tuesday for my physical (first complete one in 9 years for fear of what they would find), but from what I can tell and research on my own, I think I'm okay.

Listen, I bought every legal drug known to man over the internet. I used to wonder why in the world does the US Government let this stuff go on, but then I realized that they chase one away and another supplier pops up in its place, often the same one under a different name. There is no lack of source for any kind of drug you want if you know where to go. The day I decided I'd had enough, I brought my husband a pile almost a foot high of envelopes filled with drugs, Darvocet, Ultram, Soma, hydrocodone, Tylenol #3, Tylenol #4, all purchased illegaly over the web. What in God's name was I thinking? I wish I had that money back now :rolleyes: I put us in a really bad way financially but my husband was powerless to stop it. Even after he took all the credit cards away, I had memorized every number that I needed to do what I had to do, and I continued to buy the drugs. I would get so scared they wouldn't get here in time, and I even got a letter from US Customs once telling me that the buprenephrine I was trying to purchase from Thialand was illegal and got a warning from them. That didn't stop me though...I just kept buying everything else. What a FOOL! I thank God my husband of 33 years loved me enough to stick by me and help pull me through.

wow, thats really bad..its a miracle your still here to talk about it. Im glad I read that. Im having a weak moment. I woke up this morning feeling great. No withdrawl symtoms. Then my connection called. I told her Im all done. But now im shaking and fighting my thoughts. Just get a few. Take them and u will realize they are not worth it. Stupid stupid. Im trying to keep busy. These posts are what keeps me from going back. Be strong. You have a wonderful husband, your so lucky to have that support.

I think keeping busy is really important.I think u said u are a stay @ home mom..Well if u can -get out of the house a bit or work on something that requires u to think about what your doing.I stay @ home too and I think that is part of the problem!! We are here and can just dwell on our addiction.I know for myself when I'm gone shopping or running errands whatever..it's easier not to just take another vic. or perc.The valarian seems to help me as well.I take 5 melatonin and 6 valerian @ night to help me sleep since I've cut back so much on the drugs.I can't say I sleep really great but I do get some sleep which definately helps when morning rolls around.I want u to know that u are also encouraging me because your doing this without taperig and being in a situation like ours where our own husbands and family don't know...it's hard to hide being that sick!! I mean how long can we have the flu?? I guess luckily for us there are some really bad virus's around this year to blame it on!I like the previos post about the beautiful spring in Georgia!! We need to focus on that and getting to the point where we care about such things again!! Hang in there...talk later, Jennah :bouncing:

Hey Jenna...Right when I finished writing my post, I called my sister and told her to come over so my nephew and daughter can play, and we could hang out. Then I went in my basement to stencil some signs. (we sell primitive signs to stores) so that helped. I havnt done them for so long, I was too involved in getting high and not wanting to ruin it with work , so my hubby was picking up the slack. So that helped..now its 2:00, going to the gym at 5:00 and it will almost be another day with no pills..wow!
Im so jealous of the people who have no cravings, oh that is my biggest problem. REmembering the high from the very beginning, how great I felt, but then I was just chasing that high cuz I couldnt get it anymore without a major amount of pills. Then u run out and start all over again...
That comment about Georgia hit me as well ... I havnt really really enjoyed the simple things l useto. And I hope i will sooner than later. Do you have kids jennah? Im so glad u wrote me, we have so much in common...talk to u soon...keep it up...Beth

Great idea the sister and all the kids..even though I'm sure it's hard to be around everyone @ the same time...still a good distraction.Yes I have 3 daughters.And we have alot more in common than u probably know!! I enjoy antiques and primatives,stencling etc.but haven't been too interested in much of that lately either :confused: I like u spend more time trying to just be high or counting my pills to make sure I was alright there!! It really stinks and as we try to go forward and turn our backs on this lifestyle dosen't it look ugly and stupid?? Gotta run..Jennah

Hey there wantostop.... I'm sorry I've been gone but I'm back now at least for a little while. I explained more in depth on my "keeping me awake" thread in case your wondering. As for the cravings I still deal with them often, what you have to understand though is that they will go away with or without the drug so there is no need to feed it. You will only feel worse if you do feed it and you will give your receptors a reason to fight back again. The small high if any you get will be deeply and quickly barried in guilt and a sense of failure. Who needs that crap. You have gotten this far, the worst of it is over. Remember what you have learned about the cravings and know if you do not give in, your receptors give up and move on. Over enouph time, granted different for everyone but definately not forever, they will move on permanently and you will be truly free again. Think about that day often and think about your family often. You are one of the strongest and most determined people I've met in here and I know you can do it. It sure is good to be back and great to hear your doing so well. As for the simple things I find myself opening my windows in the morning just to listen to the birds sing while im sipping my morning coffee...It's great to be free.. Your friend JUSTQUIT
p.s. As for the F*** it button I've heard so much of I think we all have it. The button that I used to get me in so much trouble happends to be the same button I use to deal with day to day crap now. Whats a little worry, F*** it. Whats a little pain, F*** it. Get what I'm saying here? Don't worry about the small crap it just isn't worth it. Cleaning up is a big deal, being happy is a big deal, for regular day to day drama hit that button take a deep breath and just say....well you know. Keep up the great work. Love ya.

Hey Beth,
Where are u today?? check in and let us know how your doing :wave: even if just to say..u feel awful or u blew it whatever!! I hope things are going ok but it's ok if there not too!!I'll check back later to see how u are..I am determined to follow some of my own advise and try to stay busy today..who knows maybe I can cut back 1 more pill today! Hang in there and stay strong u are doing great!! love,Jennah

Hi! You mentioned you quit one time for a month and had no withdraws from it...you're really lucky, because you can reflect on that and know that you can do it again. Many times when I tried to quit oxycotin, I would be ok w/ accepting the flu symptoms, but the hardest thing was to get it off of my mind. I would finally not think of it for two or three days, and then my husband would start talking about getting more. I told him how that hurts me, but he has never held back his influence. If you can tell yourself and really feel like you never want to take even an asprin again, and stay away from bad influences, you'll be ok. I'm very thankful for this site, I want to quit even if it means leaving my husband! I can't make him want to quit/ God knows I've tried, but his addictions are stronger than his love for me. I'll keep an eye out for your messages! God bless you/ you can do this!

Hi Justquit,
Your experiences and advise is really impressive! I'm going to let my husband in on this, because he has (we both) experienced the same symptoms. It's scary but releiving to know that the body works on that type of reward system, and better to know it lasts 5 to 7 days! With all of our research, all we found was over-exadurations from rehab facilities, leading you to beleive that you'll never be able to quit without an expensive, privacy-violating rehab! and that you will have severe seizures or death without 24 hr. supervision. I found the anti seizure medication to be just as much of a pain as withdrawls! Does anyone know if the withdrawls can get bad enough to kill you? If this is so, I better up my life insurance. not laughing.

well spotted Back4mor, the addictive side of any human of more powerful than the love for another, that's why in our 1st step in AA "We admitted we were powerless over Alcohol/drugs and that our lives had become unmanageable!"

You can extend that Powerless over Alcohol and drugs to be Powerless over People/places and many types of things!!!

Hope that makes sense, we have to let go of the control and allow our live to renew, the problem is finding direction for the renewal to happen. Some people find Church etc, I found AA/NA and the 12 step, unltimatly recovery is a personal thing, that is something that we need help with, that's what I would describe as the essense, reaching out for help, reaching out from the heart......

Hi Shanlo,
What made and helped you quit? It's wonderful to hear you say it's been 15 years!

Blasterboy...
Thank You so much for your reply, and yes I did understand it. I'm going to talk to my husband about his next days off, ask him to take a couple vacation days, and preplan detox...if he will agree to it. I would intend to take care of him & the kids, and hopefully he'll agree to do the same when I go through withdrawls as soon as he is able to help around the house. The worst thing for me quitting, is not only the pain, but my short attention span for my college assignments without the oxy, & no energy to even sit at the computer. I've held A's and A-'s so far, but when I'm jonesing, I'm worthless. Also, my youngest has ADD, and with the two boys together, they are really wild. (ages 5+ 7) When I'm jonesing, it's not good. I just want to pack my bags, because I'll never hit them, and talking..yelling..is nothing to them. And my husband is just as consistant as the kids listen...it's not there. I think I will run for the hills!

Blasterboy...Thank You for your response. I sent a message a few minutes ago, and can't seem to find it. I'm new at this.

Well, Everyone Take Care! It was nice meeting you. I'm going to spend some time w/ my kids & supper**