I finally took the biggest -leap- in my life on the 26th of march and I finally have the strength to sit here long enouph to put something down. First of all let me thank all you supporters here, its in no small part because of this site that I finally decided enouph was enouph.

Up until last sunday I was taking an insane amount of morphine pills between 200-300 mg's per day, if I could obtain them, which for the last 3 months hasn't been a problem. I used the back pain I've had since my late teens as an excuse to slowly...or not so slowly kill myself with these damn things. I remember at the time I started taking morphine and or oxycontin, I thought what a great thing, not only is morphine cheap (unlike the cocain I was dabbling with) it took away my back pain and didn't seem to have a single side affect, no hang over, no craving, no nothing. Man could I have not been more wrong. For anyone who might see this and might be on morphine let me share a little of what really happens after mid to long term daily use. I know if I would have known then what I know now I sure coulda made a better case to stay away.

First of all and maybe most importantly morphine or any opiates for that case drastically slow down your digestive system, anyone taking them knows what I'm talking about. I thought it was kinda nice not to be bothered with going to the bathroom every day until of course my doctor found the tumor on my colon. 28 with colon cancer that little detail might have been nice to know about 2 years ago...
Well anyways, you can also get used to not having sex if your a guy, especially if you smoke too, which most of us addicts do. Your energy level will be non existant. I remember toward the end even with the pills I was sleeping 12 plus hours per day or more, or I was up every hour on the hour unable to go back to sleep. Try to plan a day around that. I also couldn't, and probably still can't hold an intelligent conversation with anyone, it's like your brain moves too slow for your mouth or something. Bottom line is any version of opium in any form in enouph time will hook you, abuse you, and leave you. And if thats not enouph it will kick your a** on the way out in the form of withdrawals to the likes you've never seen.

This is starting my 4th day of my first full scale withdrawal from morphine and let me tell you WOW!!!! DOES THIS SUCK or what. I swear if I woulda had the strength to tie the rope yesterday I would be swinging from it right now. Luckily today whether it was the 15 hrs. I spent with my MP3 player or more likely all the prayers asking for mercy the diarrea is gone and I'm starting to get a little energy back, enouph to sit here anyways. On the other hand the depression is coming, the more I think of what an *** I've been to myself the worse I feel. My only hope, all that I have left, is that this letter finds someone and sheds a little light on what opiates are really about. Wish me luck... CJR

CJR, congratulations on a tough decision and an even tougher accomplishment! Your post will give information and support to others so it is great that you took the time to do it and even more amazing that you were able to do it at Day 4! That shows you are doing great although I know you still feel like crap...hang in there. You are turning the corner now and you will feel better. You are going into the depression phase now, as you already know. It will help if you can take some supplements, seriously. Substance abuse substantially robs the body of nutrients and detox diahhrea unfortunately finishes off the minimal reserve that you had to start with. You need to resupply and starting from such a low level it takes more than just good diet--it takes supplements. If you haven't already read it refer to the Sample Home Detox sticky post up in the Moderator's Section---you need L-Tyrosine, 5HTP, Magnesium, Potassium, Zinc, Calcium, and a good Multi-Vitamin & Multi-Mineral with extra Vitamin B Complex and Vitamin C, B-12 will help with energy level, but it must be liquid drops under the tongue. The body can not absorb B-12 from a tablet; it is useless. Adding an additional good Antioxidant Formula would help boost things even further. All will help substantially with the depression...they would have helped better if started earlier, but will help now as well....many notice improvement in a day or two and after a week of building up it will start to make a major difference for you. If you aren't able to acquire all of it, at a minimum you need the L-Tyrosine, 5HTP, and a good zinc/magnesium/potassium, and B-Complex---will help stablize your central nervous system, energy, depression, and sleep. With supplements your body can regenerate faster within a month or two vs. a year or two without them. The body is a marvelous creation designed to heal itself, and it will in time. You can shorten that time by giving it back what it has been robbed of and needs in order to do the best job for you.

Again, congratulations on a job well done!!! Good for you...drug free at last....great feeling isn't it??? <smile>

Congratulations first of all!!! sounds like you were pretty far into it and you have some courage to quit! I just posted last night, Im trying to cut down now to a point where I can quit....Its sooo hard. I want to sooo bad but Im soooo scared to go through the withdrawls and depression... But your right these boards help tremendously, they give me the hope that I can do it. Im getting to the point where I dont even get high anymore, I just take the pills to feel normal. Its such a waste of life, energy and money! Why did we ever start! Good luck to you!!!

One thing I've realized through all this is that if we can suffer like this for a week straight alienating ourselves from everyone we can do anything. When your ready to quit prepare, lock yourself up, and get ready. A funny thing is happenening to me right now. Even though I'm still suffering on day 4 my mind is starting to clear up. I feel good that I'm not going to give in. I feel good that I'm suffering like this and still able to hang on. I feel good that I'm not quitting, my body knows what to do, and I've surrendered to it. My energy is already creeping back up and even though the toilet "issue" is back, the feeling of doing the right thing is outweighing the negatives. I still feel bad about what I've done to myself, but...I also feel this could be that life changing stepping stone that one remembers back to. The Moment to which all good things that I do from here on out will come back to this last week and how I came, saw, sat, and conquered. Good luck to all of us, its not easy but what in life that really matters is?

That's great that you've made the desicion to stop, it will get better, I'm sure you know that, but stopping is one thing and anyone can stop, with the right ingredients and willpower etc, but the biggest problem is staying stopped. Once the pills are gone, we are stuck with ourselves and nothing to anesthetize ourselves (ideally, no alcohol etc.) So our life issues will rear themselves up at some point and we will need to face them and we will need support at some point, maybe early on maybe later on, but it's best to start generating that web of support right from that start, even before your energys back, you'll only use it as an excuse to delay and delay, the minds a powerfully sick tool in early recovery, it's best not to spend too much time listerning to it and seek out healthy recovered company, that's where NA or any similar support group comes in!

So I would sincerely encourage anyone in your position who has a desire to quite drugs to try NA (or similar) and visit at least 7 meetings in 10 days. Give them a call, they are in the phone book and will be very warm and welcoming, trust me and the help will be next to none for someone in your position.

deleted response to the previous inappropriate post

Right here listening and learning is where I need to be. As for the web of support who could ask for a better bunch of people than the ones who lived what you lived and are still here. Fighting the very thing they were once so into. No one here knows my name but you all know more about me than anyone sitting in my house right now. I hope that when this deleted cuss word is finally out of my body forever I can fight the good fight like many of you. This board and the people suffering here if nothing else is a reminder to why I had to stop in the first place. Do I know 100% I will never take another pill no. But what I do know is that while I'm here posting, reading, and learning, it would take a far greater fool than me to see such pain and wish to dive head first back into it. Thanks for all the posts and day 5 was a breeze at least comparitively speaking.

2a.m. day 6 found myself dancing like an idiot in my living room :bouncing: . I think I made it. :) Already feeling so much better, I still can't sleep but I think its the 12million mgs. of B-12 I've taken in the last couple days. I want to especially thank you -JAM- :angel: for the most helpful information on the web and the reason I found this site. I don't think I coulda done it without you. Since the 1st of January I've survived 2 chemo's, whipped a massive morphine addiction, (which made the chemo seem like a walk in the park), and have set saturday the 1st as my smoking quit date. I figure while the pain of this is still fresh in my head why not go for the tri-fecta. When (changed from if ;) ) I succeed this will definately be the best year of my life. I feel like I have total control over myself and its so empowering that I know I'm not going to fail. Thanks for being there, all of you!!!!

Just Quit,

Oh I remember dancing around too after I felt better. It felt so wonderful and felt like I was experiencing something so devine!!! Thanks for reminding me of that.

It is when we start to forget all thing horrible things about using that we need to be vigilant. Just like giving birth - it hurts like hell but afterwards your ability to remember the pain is diminished.

Well thats all I know about that (Forrest Gump) :D

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for the inappropriate comments I made in this thread. I have been unable to control my emotions for a couple weeks now from the benzo withdrawal and I let them get the best of me. Blaster, I am sorry. You are right in that AA and NA is a great program for a lot of people.

We are all here for a common reason which is addiction to drugs(or addiction to whatever). If we are all on the same page in trying to help each other, we can be much more efficient at it. Who is to say how much somebody else has suffered if you aren't them(I'm not talking to anybody in particular, if I am I am talking to myself). I will not assume anything else about who suffers more or about what method of staying clean is the best. Sorry for getting off topic but I just wanted to apologize and let everyone know that you are in my prayers.

One last post before I move on to my next challenge nicotine. Tonight is the first night I have vowed to quit smoking. I think if I put half as much effort into this is I did opiates I'll be just fine. I plan on sticking around to try to help inform other people of the true nature of opiates and how spirit overcomes all. But I'm sure at least for the next week or so smoking will be heavy on my mind. It is said that nicotine is more addictive than heroine and more toxic drop for drop than rat poison so I know I got my work cut out for me. Wish me luck, thanks again, and next time I post, I post as a non smoker.

p.s. Justin, The fact that you have emotion back whether controlled or not IS A VICTORY. Don't think anything different. I remember crying for the first time in 3 plus years on day 5 of my recovery over a stupid song on the radio. I was almost happy I was sad if that makes sense. The only emotions I remember while on drugs was panic and anger, no apologies, no nothing. Keep your head up and remember you helped me get to where I am now. Be proud.

Justquit, smoking is tough to overcome but look at what you've already done. You have proven that you can beat chemical addiction of any kind. In my opinion, opiates and benzos are the hardest addictions to break so I think you will beat the nicotine without a doubt.

I know there is a commercial on TV that I see every now and then that shows a little cartoon man trying to quit smoking and then they show how they can help him quit slowly(sort of like a taper I guess). Maybe you could keep an eye out for that commercial and call the number. It comes on all the time. I would use nicotine gum and patches and whatever else I could get my hands on to help me quit. But however you choose to do it I wish you luck and send prayers your way.

Just quit .. how are you doing on sobriety and not smoking?? All I can say is WOW, thats a lot to handle ..I certainly give u a lot of credit... You sound like your a very strong and dedicated person though, I believe you will come out a winner!

Im now on day 3 with no pills...feeling alright...but the thoughts are coming "just buy a few, dont take so many, make them last"...yeah right! Tried that before. Doesnt work like that. So I thought Id write and that will fight the thoughts for a little while atleast.

Hope your doing well! Look forward to hearing from you!


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