Keeping it simple.

Have had this hover over me for 2/3 of my life.

Just when I think I have it nipped, my house of cards comes crashing down around. Crash is a great word describing the seemingly instantaneous process after the famous “just one time”. The process before the process which is really part of the process is something so crystal clear now I don’t bother with the justify or lie to myself or anything like that routines anymore – just do it is the motto nowadays.

So, all I know is that yes, I have fallen again –and- yes, I refuse to give up –and- yes, I believe it is helpful to do recovery with like minded individuals –so- please, tell me I am not alone, please lend an ear, please share your strength, hope and experience.

[my d.o.c. is an opiate – 20 years in heaven and hell]

Thank you very much.

ethos

You are not alone. I have tapered off of percocet 3 times now and as soon as i took one for pain, i was high for 3 days. Am tapering again. I have always been able to control my use, taper myself but am considering some one else tapering me. I control my husbands use. So that person would have to dole out percs to him and me.

Just when i think i have this conquered, i pick them up again and its harder each time to get off of them. I have to stop thinking of them as an option for my chronic pain relief. I recently admitted i am powerless for the first time over the percs.

You are so not alone and you have described how an addict feels perfectly - we do feel like we vacillate between heaven and hell. Eventually though, it usually gets to more Hell than heaven.
I wish you well. How much are you using? How long? I can tell you I used opiates off and on for over 25 years, used every day for the past five years and then quit cold turkey last September. I've had a few minor slips since then, but for the most part, I've been clean. I still have days where I wish I could go back to when I used occasionally and I managed to do that for many many years, but I NEVER want to go back to using every day and I know that's where it would eventually lead so I just can't go there. I can't lie though - I still long for the good ol' days when I didn't know I was an addict and thought I could just use "recreationally" and enjoy it. Looking back though, I was always fooling myself.

Give us a little more history. You'll get a ton of support here. This is really the only place I come for support. I've given up on the traditional NA/AA groups - they're just not for me, but I love the support I get her.

A friend in recovery,

jka

Hello Ethos987,

I think we are traveling on the same road.

Man you hit it on the head!

Addictionologist call it relapsing but I call it " dadp". This stands for " depression after da' party ". Once the party is over, everything is sorta,..I don't know,..gray! I can live with it but damn is it boring. So, why do we do it? Why, do we keep wanting to go back to the good times?

Why can't we move on? I think it is because we never moved at all. I have a saying " if we give in to temptation and then kick it, and move on, we should not be in the same position to yield to the same temptation again". When it comes for us again, we should be gone! It always locates us because we are still in the same place.

Heaven or Hell, I think neither but I know location is the key, to the door marked FREEDOM.

I'm not talking about a physical place, ( althrough some of it is ) I am referring to a mental place and yes, even a spiritual place.

Let's be honest. When we quit we are so confident, so sure that this is the last time. If you are like me, you are sincere and really mean it but, like any old thing that has sentimental value, we just cannot seem to throw it away. We pack it up and we put it in the junk room. It is way in the back but it is still there just,...just in case!

Think of your mind as a house, sub-divided into little rooms. Your doc is still in one of those rooms just waiting for you. It does not call to you, it does not have to because sooner or later, you will yield to that voice that tells you go and get it. You all know that voice.

l feel when we finally get the courage to come face to face with our addiction. Like David finding Goliath, we find out that the power that is in ourselves and just a little weapon ( faith ) is all that it takes to not just keep defeat this enemy but, to finally kill it. If we cold just stop putting all of ourselves into the struggle to stop using drugs but, really find out why we are using, we will be free.

But, until we do, we must clean house. We must open that door and stare down this demon and toss it's a** to the curb!

I am in the process of sorting though that room and it is very painful but little by little, I am discarding the junk. When I came upon the beast I did not look at it with fond rememberence, I did not allow it's scent to transport me to " good times", I did not visualize where I was or want I was doing when I pickeded took up with the beast, I just ripped out it's heart like a ninja warrior and slung it's dead body in the trash.

Stop looking back on this demon as if it were a lover that you dumped for someone else and now you are yearning for it,..again. See this demon for what it is,..... a serial killer that is just waiting for another chance to kill you.

I am emptying the room. Even now, talking to all of you, us helping one another is my way of emptying my room.

Sort of like deleting the files on a computer and when I am done, I will re-program. I will mentally and yes, spiritually be on a different level,...in a different place.

Won't you join me?

luv ya'

United
There ain't nothing to it but, to do it.

Thank you.

10 days relapse.

24 hrs+ clean.

Don't plan on suplimenting with anything, not even coffee. Just cigarettes.

As to recovery theory. Nothing to say about that right now.

Where's my cave?

ethos

I know how your feeling right now ethos so simple it is.

200-300 mgs morphine / day here. 6 days sober.

Pain and escape, my reasons for running to neverland.

Hope and possibilities, my reasons for coming back home.

Every day I stay home the pain seems farther and farther away.

We learn from our past mistakes, correct, and move forward.
This time you are wiser than last, correct, and move forward.
Hope your feeling better soon,CJR

Hello Ethos987,

You sound so tired, here is my hand, reach out and grab ahold of it and don't let go.

We are your cave and there are thousands of us hundled together inside. Everytime one person exsists, another four or five people crawl back in. Some are newcomers but most are repeat dwellers.

This is where we come when we are lost and battle fatigued. This is where we come to re-group and build up our spirits. This is where we come to search for the lost and led them across,...to the other side.

Ethos987, it is not how may times you fall down, it is how may times that you get up.

If you are 24 hours clean then you have already gotten back up. Your legs may be wobberly, and you may be weak but, dam'it, you are up!

And soon, you too will be a searcher,..looking amonst the caves,..reaching out your hand to pull someone in need across...to the other side.

There are others out there that do not even know about the cave,..others that are far worst off then we are,..others that will need your strength, your knowledge and your courage. There are so many others.

But, for now stay hundled with us and get strong for as long as it takes until you are well...again.

I am an old tree, lean on me.

luv ya'

United
It ain't nothing to it but, to do it.

You guys are really great and I appreciate the time and energy you put into passing on your wisdom, your ideas and the truths that worked for you.

Still can't help wonder I will die this way.

Mid-30's here and have watched people go to the better place or recover or go to jail. I am one of the last.

You know reading or listening to these alanon people makes frustrated at times. They have no inkling of what's going on. I don't think anybody does. I don't think I am a bad person. I still hold down a job. I work very hard (when I am not sick) and my employers appreciate me. And everyday I fight this hell and then you have to put up with narrowmindedness or people who just don't have a clue.

Last complaint I promise: I am well known (this is a fact and I hate it) and have NO PRIVACY. My d.o.c. gives me a few hours of that. Too bad the negatives outweigh the positives so I will just have to deal with it.

Disillusioned and bitter.

I failed with my coffee and I am going to have a drink soon.

ethos

Ethos,

I too felt as if "these alanon people" had no inkling of what's going on, until I was clean and sober for awhile and then I realized they knew A LOT.

My disease of alcoholism and drug addiction was a liar, a thief. It would tell me no one understood except maybe another addict but even then, they didn't understand ME. I also held down a job, the entire time, when I was and I wasn't sick, I was there. My disease convinced me how much I was appreciated at work, and every day I too felt I had to put up with narrowmindedness.

The truth was, for me, IIII was the one who was narrowminded. In my continual effort to justify my using (while beating myself up FOR using) I was the self-centered, self-seeking, sick, sick person who continually tried to paint myself as a victim in this cruel, cruel world. There was another sad truth, realization if you will, I wasn't hiding it nearly as well as I thought I was, and even though I was appreciated for many of my efforts at work, people knew something was up.

If you are anything like I was (even just a smidgen) then I can almost assure you that this disease has it razor sharp talons firmly impaled into every aspect of your being. The hardest part is, as painful and strong as that death grip on our mind, body, soul and spirit is, we still, STILL remain in the black cloud of denial.

This for me was about life and death. I was afraid to live and afraid to die (although I'd try and convince others that death held no fear), yet still, every day, I wailed about this injustices against me all the while knowing, KNOWING IN MY GUT, it was about nobody but me and my disease.

It pains me to hear myself in you. Although it will be twelve years July 5th, when I read your post, I find myself remembering and it is in the remembering I am truly reminded what a wonderful gift I have with my sobriety.

I worked hard for this. I had to let go of my self-centered, self-seeking victim mentality. No, it was not easy but I can tell you this, the very worst pain I experienced in recovering (and subsuquently recovery) was much better then my BEST day using.

It really became just that simple for me. No more excuses, no more finger pointing, no more poor 'lil 'ol misunderstood "me". Stark raving honesty gave way to stark raving clarity that I had become stark raving mad in my addiction and in that moment of clarity I had a choice, and I chose freedom from drugs and alcohol.


Best to you, truly.

Genius!

ethos

Hello Ethos987,

You are so real and that in itself is a strength.

Bitterness is a empty emotion that drains you and gives nothing in return. Try anger, I don't know about others but it brings out the fight in me.

I don't know anything about AA or NA or it's members other then what I have read on this board. I have read their creed and it seems to work for some and not for others. I don't use any one specific method to detox or stay clean. I research any and all information about addiction and recovery and I utilize what is right for me and the rest I discard.

I don't really get into the technical properties of addiction, such as how the drugs effect our brains, destroys our livers and so forth because that information or the knowledge of it did not stop me from using.

What made me quit was the lack of control I had over my existance. I just could not accept the fact that something enslaved me so completely, even when the love affair was over.

I knew I could not fight my demon with persuasive reasoning or calculated fight plans,..it is not in my nature.

I am more of street fighter like Rocky then a polished heavy weight contender like Ali. I use raw determination and guts to make it though each minute without using.

Oh, I tried to side steps the suffering by going on Wellbrutin Xl so that I could get aroud the depression that I knew would come but,..it back fired. The wellbrutin did not mix with my diabetes meds and now I am in full withdrawal from the Wellbrutin. This is after three weeks of detoxing and withdrawls from the other drugs. I was happy, smiling and even laughing again when the med interaction occured. You talk about bitter! Now, I am once again fighting for my life because once again this little voice keeps saying " one or two pills every couple of houres will a least give me a at least reasonable facimile of happiness for a little while".

I can no longer accept a facimile of happiness or false pleasure. I want the real thing baby even if it does include pain, unhappiness, worry, stress, anxiety and yes, sobriety.

I kept quitting and starting again and quitting and starting again but the entire time, I kept comimg back to this board. I never responded or posted back then, but I read and re-read eveything single post and it kept my hopes for my recovery alive.

Know, I post and hope I can reach out and help someone else.

Don't judge yourself so harsely, there are not many of us that quit and never used again, and again and again.

Don't be bitter, what you are going through is perfectly normal and is all part of the recovery process.

If you must take a drink, then take it but, before you do remember this.

The power of life and death are in the tongue, don't relishish your power by talking death into your own life.

Only we control how we are going to live the only life that we have.

Try not to take that drink,..one more day.

luv ya'

United
There ain't nothing to it but, to do it.

Okay then over the hump.

I have a question to ask the wise old trees out there:

What about boredom? That seems the biggest battle. My brain likes to do many many things at the same time. You slice using life out you are presented with all this empty space and my mind just goes yawn. You will say find new obsessions – yes, but that’s very very difficult. Others will say be okay with now. I know I know. It’s just easier to say then do. Do.

I don’t know.

Still mixed up and I want to do it this time! One more shot! (that's a joke).

I did go on the bender yesterday and I must say what crappy inefficient drug alcohol is. Still it’s cheap and legal and easily accessible especially where I live. Soon I will cut that out again.

Anyway, sense of hope is back, gaining again and I have about three more days off before I have to go back to work again so everything on schedule.

Thank you for the great posts!

ethos

Okay then over the hump.

I have a question to ask the wise old trees out there:

What about boredom? That seems the biggest battle. My brain likes to do many many things at the same time. You slice using life out you are presented with all this empty space and my mind just goes yawn. You will say find new obsessions – yes, but that’s very very difficult. Others will say be okay with now. I know I know. It’s just easier to say then do. Do.

I don’t know.

Still mixed up and I want to do it this time! One more shot! (that's a joke).

I did go on the bender yesterday and I must say what crappy inefficient drug alcohol is. Still it’s cheap and legal and easily accessible especially where I live. Soon I will cut that out again.

Anyway, sense of hope is back, gaining again and I have about three more days off before I have to go back to work again so everything on schedule.

Thank you for the great posts!

ethos

Oh Ethos, how similar we are. Seem's you may be putting the cart before the horse. Let me share this, boredom won't kill you and in time it will be a big part of what propels you into YOU, the real you.

That's is my experience.

Gush-gush-ga-gush-gush-gush-ga-gush-gush-gush-ga-gush-gush.

Sound of brain in washing machine.

Laundry day. :D

Gush-gush-ga-gush-gush-gush-ga-gush-gush-gush-ga-gush-gush.

Sound of brain in washing machine.

Laundry day. :D

Hah! Look into my eyes :eek: you are getting sleepy...sleeeeeeepppppy...

Some extra time on my hands so am delving somewhat back into addiction research. This is a good abstract:

Articles

Drug Abuse: Hedonic Homeostatic Dysregulation

George F. Koob, * Michel Le Moal

Understanding the neurobiological mechanisms of addiction requires an integration of basic neuroscience with social psychology, experimental psychology, and psychiatry. Addiction is presented as a cycle of spiralling dysregulation of brain reward systems that progressively increases, resulting in compulsive drug use and a loss of control over drug-taking. Sensitization and counteradaptation are hypothesized to contribute to this hedonic homeostatic dysregulation, and the neurobiological mechanisms involved, such as the mesolimbic dopamine system, opioid peptidergic systems, and brain and hormonal stress systems, are beginning to be characterized. This framework provides a realistic approach to identifying the neurobiological factors that produce vulnerability to addiction and to relapse in individuals with a history of addiction.

G. F. Koob is at The Scripps Research Institute, Department of Neuropharmacology CVN-7, 10550 North Torrey Pines Road, La Jolla, CA 92037, USA.
M. Le Moal is at the University of Bordeaux II, INSERM, Unite 259, rue Camille Saint-Saens, Bordeaux, Cedex 33077, France.

http://www.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/short/278/5335/52

This is why post withdrawel is so important and when the real work begins. For example, as cited here by many others over and over: correct vits, exercise, humour, plenty of sex, healthy food, positive world outlook, some kind of support network and so on.

Summer is here and I am very glad about it.

ethos

Agreed, yet none of those can be realized until one gets clean and/or sober.

:)

I am dusting myself off and getting back in the ring.

Where is Wise Old Tree? How's it going?

ethos

Except for caffeine and nicotine, have stopped everything now.

Head is cloud fog and hands shakey - jittery.

Still, first day back at work communication was smooth and interesting.

Thanks.

ethos

Except for caffeine and nicotine, have stopped everything now.

Head is cloud fog and hands shakey - jittery.

Still, first day back at work communication was smooth and interesting.

Thanks.

ethos

Excellent. Take it one step at a time and guide your flair for contemplation toward the child like pleasures you will experience in sobriety.

Hello Ethos987,

I know you hate gush but,..there are tears in my eyes and a smile on my face!

I read your post and some of the responses that you wrote to others and I can see your hand! It is alot bigger and stronger then even I imagined.

You are truly awesome!

I am doing o.k. and you are so right. Working and keeping busy is the answer to boredom for now but eventually, you will need to experience joy in you life again. Personally, I am finding happiness by helping others but I know personal happiness, true personal happiness comes from inside.

Ethos, one day ( soon ) you will be driving to work or just doing some manual chore and you will feel your heart beating really fast, I mean really palpatating and it will fell alien and surprise you. You know why, because the feeling will be happiness. You will begin to feel happiness at the little things of life, again.

Right now, you are not feeling boredom, you are feeling the hole.

Even it you don't feel like it, FILL IT with something, anything positive. If you leave the hole vacant for too long it will cause you to use again.

You have work to do so don't use the alcohol to long cause eventually, it wil bite you too!

I am going on a family trip tomorrow and this will be the first time that I will not be taking any type of drugs. I entend to savour every single dull regular moment and I thank God that I have the presense of mind to enjoy,..the simple things in life.,,again.

You have helped me so much and I thank you,..for being real.

take care, do something ( get into music, write a book, plant a garden, take up dancing lessons, keep up your research ( I luv it ) and I will post you this weekend.

Stay strong, luv ya'

The ol' tree

Anbrianna
It ain't nothing to it but, to do it.

Hey ethos,

From reading your posts I can see you've done this before, the consumate professional who has tried it all and heard it all. I too walked down that slippery road falling every 10 feet or so saying "I knew that was coming" get up, fall down, get up blah blah blah. If nothing else the monotony of the whole thing drove me more nuts than anything else. I think I'll clean up, get wasted, relapse, then clean up again. At some point you've gotta stop and say "What the F***" and try something different. Hell I even took up rollerblading (which in my case is more dangerous than drugs) to break the routine I called my life. You said trying something new and unexpected wasn't that easy but it really isn't that hard either you just do it. Screw everyone else. I look like an idiot out there but at least I'm out there. Will we ever find anything as fun as drugs? Maybe not but if nothing else its worth a look. I can see your intellegent and you like to think outside the box thats great. Use that to find something new you might like. You can think your the only one on the face of the earth that just can't stay off the crap but your not. That is me...

But I'm Clean...Good Luck Justquit

Not one but many, Wise Old Tree.

Sorry can't think.

Very stressed,
and numb,
and my brain feels like bubblegum.

Thanks.

ethos

AMAZING what a little sleep can do. :D

ALL of you are awesome.

Thanks.

ethos

Yeah sometimes those pesky recovery sayings make a lot of sense.

Don't get too, hungry, angry, lonely or tired...better known as H.A.L.T.

I wouldn't call them pesky (oh no my first I in a few days - maybe it's a bad sign heh-heh).

I (oh no another one) have a few big books flying around here and nobody denies some of the good stuff in them. Was it Dr B himself that thought up that acronym?

You take care now Constant.

ethos

I wouldn't call them pesky (oh no my first I in a few days - maybe it's a bad sign heh-heh).

I (oh no another one) have a few big books flying around here and nobody denies some of the good stuff in them. Was it Dr B himself that thought up that acronym?

You take care now Constant.

ethos


Uh oh...what have we done to you.. :eek:

I don't know how that say came about, I just know it was very true for me.

Everybody in my relationships is on edge, fighting and speaking in different languages.

I see nothing getting better right now.

Life is in ultra suck mode.

ethos

I could really use some encouragement guys.

Anybody got anything please?

Is this going to end?

Will it get better?

Will my head stop feeling like concrete!!!???

I could really use some encouragement guys.

Anybody got anything please?

Is this going to end?

Will it get better?

Will my head stop feeling like concrete!!!???

During times like this, sleep if you can, take hot baths, find one person who can physically be with you.

It will end, it will get better and yes, your head will stop feeling like concrete.

Don't give up, stick with it and you will be amazed at what is to come.

...thanks.

Greetings,
I was up to about 240mg a day of oxy's.... for about 21/2 years, ceep telling myself " I have controle over it, I cant stop when ever I want" or "I'll ween off" so many times I tried so many... I dont know maybe I'm not strong enough.. I moved to the virgin Islands, had a job set up and thought of it as a good way to kick my habit the righteouss way, just tough it out soak up the good natural energy, endure the pain that I caused myself , pay consequenes.... stuck on an a island.. wow it was pure hell I was awake for a whole month no sleep, littleraly the an xiety was insane was so tired would try to rest in bed but then I would be so anxious i couldent stay still.. well point be I was there for 30 days and nouthing changed over 30 days my symptons had not gotten better.. so I couldent take it anymore passed up an opp ortunity of a life time hoped on a plane as quick as possible and and soon as I got home got as high and I possible could. back to square one all over againe. I'm currently on methadone... I wouldent reccomend this for everyone, I reccomend methadone If you truly cant qwite on your own. A life of illegal crime steeling robing doing whatever you can to get that fix is just not worth it. Ive been at the meth clinic now for a month and am up to 150mg... life is alot more stable now. Yes i'm still an addict but at least I have professonal help. I havent been this stable in a long time. but in the overall picture I dotn like to thik of myself haveing a ch emical dependency my whole life... so will see I pray for strength comeing down.. Its completely up to you when you want to start weening of. down 5mg a day.. so Comeing of dope that way I'm sure is alot less painfull then just qwiting cold turkey.... For those of you can endure the pain and truly kick, I admire you, strong people , you could move mountains...
guidence and protection
cheryl

Just checking in Ethos. I've been tied up with work and another situation that is demanding much of my time.

How are you doing?

All my energy is spent on not using.

Everything else goes to work.

People can't seemed to understand that after that, there is nothing left.

I will deal with this too, somehow.

Take care my friend.

ethos

Hi Ethos

I hear what you're saying about expending all your energy on work and not using. I remember those days from last fall and it truly was all I could bring myself to do was go to work each day and focus on not using. Somehow I made it through though and you will too. I recall there was a direct correlation with how I felt about my recovery and how much sleep I got each night - Actually, that's still how I feel today. I always used the pills for energy (not that they really gave me any true energy after awhile) so it makes sense that whenever I'm over-tired, I automatically want to reach for the pill bottle.

You're doing great. Stay in touch.

jka

hi ime new at this but ime in the same boat will someone please reply and tell me if ime even getting out there to anyone

Keeping it simple.

Have had this hover over me for 2/3 of my life.

Just when I think I have it nipped, my house of cards comes crashing down around. Crash is a great word describing the seemingly instantaneous process after the famous “just one time”. The process before the process which is really part of the process is something so crystal clear now I don’t bother with the justify or lie to myself or anything like that routines anymore – just do it is the motto nowadays.

So, all I know is that yes, I have fallen again –and- yes, I refuse to give up –and- yes, I believe it is helpful to do recovery with like minded individuals –so- please, tell me I am not alone, please lend an ear, please share your strength, hope and experience.

[my d.o.c. is an opiate – 20 years in heaven and hell]

Thank you very much.

ethos

hi dont even know if ime doing this right but maybe youll get this reply i feel the same way been on and off for years how does it happen i remember a time when i was scared to take 2 tylonol now ill take anything really need to talk to someone with same problems please reply if u get this

hi well i dont know reall what to say so ill just say its got to get better it cant get too much worse i dont even know how to do this hope someone can reply and tell me if this is going to anyone good luck Glenn

Hi Bo

Sorry no one was here for you when you were posting in the middle of the night. From time to time, there are many insomniacs out on this board in the night especially in the early stages of withdrawal, but its sometimes hard to catch people who are reading your posts the same time you are posting. Keep posting though. Sounds like you are probably in the early stages of withdrawal. Just a hint, you can always tell who's on line when the little circle next to their name is green instead of blue. What's your story?

Jan

All my energy is spent on not using.

Everything else goes to work.

People can't seemed to understand that after that, there is nothing left.

I will deal with this too, somehow.

Take care my friend.

ethos

Yes, in the beginning not using is about all one can stand. It is the obsession part of the disease and our compulsive nature that tends to do that to us. Add to that the fact that you are a HUGE THINKER and so your racing thoughts and thoughts of using are going to produce another level of drama to contend with.

Working and not using seem to be quite enough and I don't see where you need to explain that to anyone. This is your personal journey and you have the choice and more importantly the right to set strict boundries at this time with no apolgies needed.

Don't use, work, eat, rest, that is all that is required. It certainly would be in your best interest to involve yourself with some people in recovery but you and I have been around that block a time or two and I won't revisit it.

Sweet Constant.

If you are not, you should be a teacher or something like that.

You embarass me.

Huge thinker I think I am not.

I am still thinking my way out of this mess. :D Trouble is (and I hate to put a tone of melodramatism to anything) I doubt there is much time left for that.

I have some good news. Am getting out of a pretty unhelpful environment tomorrow.

Not much more to add I'm afraid.

I am considering your earlier suggestions but you know, even if I wanted to, my schedule clashes.

Anyway, looking forward to some peace. Monday is new wagon day if you get my meaning.

[do you like midnight oil? playing now and I had to laugh because the first time I heard them it was on an island somewhere and I and some friends were waiting for our first taste of mushroom omelettes. If only I knew then what my furious curiousity streak would lead to...]

Take care everyone. All your posts really help.

ethos

Sweet Constant.

If you are not, you should be a teacher or something like that.

You embarass me.

Huge thinker I think I am not.

I am still thinking my way out of this mess. :D Trouble is (and I hate to put a tone of melodramatism to anything) I doubt there is much time left for that.

I have some good news. Am getting out of a pretty unhelpful environment tomorrow.

Not much more to add I'm afraid.

I am considering your earlier suggestions but you know, even if I wanted to, my schedule clashes.

Anyway, looking forward to some peace. Monday is new wagon day if you get my meaning.

[do you like midnight oil? playing now and I had to laugh because the first time I heard them it was on an island somewhere and I and some friends were waiting for our first taste of mushroom omelettes. If only I knew then what my furious curiousity streak would lead to...]

Take care everyone. All your posts really help.

ethos

Sorry Ethos, I've been unavailable to comment until now.

New wagon day. How bad was the relapse? I guess that is a moot point eh?

I'll check in on you tomorrow. I still owe a poster my story but I've been so dang busy and my story is so darn unique (snicker :rolleyes: ) I just don't know where to start.

Hang in there cutie.

Constant - I'm waiting for your story as well. I could use some wisdom today!

Ethos - I hope today is a good day for you! Keep posting. I'm having a bad craving day but I know it will pass. I just can't give in to it. I wish I was stronger.

jkhopful,

I am also in Minneapolis!!! Take Care!!!

Constant - I'm waiting for your story as well. I could use some wisdom today!

Ethos - I hope today is a good day for you! Keep posting. I'm having a bad craving day but I know it will pass. I just can't give in to it. I wish I was stronger.

Lord sweetie. I am so not good at writing my story. I'm much better at answering specific questions. Might you just write specifics so I can answer them? Last time I wrote my story I hid from my sponsor for weeks because I just couldn't put the words on paper. Eventually she tracked me down :D and allowed me to give an oral report that she recorded and then made me transcribe....Dang she was hard on me, BUT helped to save my life.

ok constant - let's start with what was your DOC? How long did you use? Did the 12 step program help you? What made you strong? Was it your faith in God? I don't have that strong faith and I envy those who do. I just don't know how to get there.

Thanks for sharing.

Jan

jkhopful,

I am also in Minneapolis!!! Take Care!!!
Nice to meet a fellow Minnesotan. I went back and skimmed some of your posts. Sounds like you're an opiate addict same as me. It also sounds like you're doing very well. Keep up the good work and keep posting. It sure helps to know there are many of us out there.

Hey cool thread. May I join? :D

btw All illegals have been cut.

Hooray!

Booze: much less - no more daytime...most of the time :D

I can't access so much anymore but that is a good thing.

Things much better.

Stay alive out there!

ethos

Hey cool thread. May I join? :D

btw All illegals have been cut.

Hooray!

Booze: much less - no more daytime...most of the time :D

I can't access so much anymore but that is a good thing.

Things much better.

Stay alive out there!

ethos
Hey Ethos,

You were gone for so long we decided to take your thread for a joyride.

Glad you're back, quit staying away so long okay?

Hey Constant, WOT and all.

Very busy but still very focused on the golden goal.

Not perfection but always getting closer and news from doc was unexpectantly GREAT. :p

All the best.

ethos

Drive by posting! ;)

Well I'm glad you checked in and news was good from the doctor. Maybe next time you can stay awhile and let us know where you are at in your recovery.

:wave:

And when you clean up and start again the demons try to come in full force thinking this may be their last chance to snuff out your lights. When you become clean think about how good life is without the high. And when you hear that little voice raging in your head, know that it is a lie from the demon, yes the one that told you to get high and everything would be alright, now that you know it is lying to you, tell it to go to the pits of hell.
Think about all the things you can do sober, how you feel free. Throw away every pill and pray your way through to victory every day. :bouncing:

Thanks.

You're so right Shanlo.

Well catch-up is: still alright, still alive and still slogging it out on our road.

Not perfect but tell me something that is.

Had a killer flu last week. One day felt worse then coming off anything I ever did but except for cough it's now over.

Everything else is okay.

Hope you'all are alright.

ethos

So happy. :D :D :D

B.R.

ethos

Lost track of time but I never thought it was helpful to keep count anyway. Am rushing [fling-fling-fling] and mind is just whizzing [whoosh-whoosh-whoosh] and it feels great.

Working hard but it doesn't feel like work.

Still have three (all legals) substances to kick out the door of my life but all in due time. I accept my humanity and I am having a really good time. Nothing stops. Just going-going-going. Don't know what tomorrow (or tonight for that matter) will bring but right now am on track. Achieved most of my goals for the year already so am feeling satisfied. I know the job never ends but that's okay with me. I created this by just having a good time and now it's fading (but am having a good time :D ).

That's about all.

Haven't read Constant or Ambriana for a while. Hope things are okay with everyone.

ethos

Guess I better come clean now.

Relapsed again for about two weeks. Paid the dues and now it's back to the grind. I don't have great feelings about it. Got a lot of extra work done and that was very good but spent way too much cash and now that the physical stuff is gone I will suffer a little longer cause the finances but that is the price.

And so it is, and so we keep going. I try to learn something new about everything when this happens and recognize the bad as well as the good that came out of it.

ethos

I will not give up.

17 days.

ethos

Good for you! Keep it up! Kim

I've been reading your thread. If you fall, forgive yourself, pick yourself up and don't look back. Stay focused on what you want. day to day builds weeks builds months builds years. I'm proud of you. really.
jen

Thanks a lot. Means a lot.

Everything okay again.

Not taking any chances this month and all cash going to gf tonight.

20.

ethos