My mom passed away four weeks ago on this coming Tuesday. She had been diagnosed three years ago with lung cancer but had minimal symptoms until this past January. I think that the reason for her well-being was because she was in so much denial that she believed she was going to beat this dreadful disease. She had two good years out of the three that she lasted. The last year she started having aches and pains here and there especially in her neck, back and shoulder area. Her doctor put her on pain meds and muscle relaxants. They worked for a little while but then her pain kept getting more unbearable as the days and weeks went by. She kept thinking that she had arthritis since she was 81 yrs. old. On January 8th, she called me and told me that she wasn't feeling good. I took her to the doctor and he gave her some antibiotics and cough medicine for her chest pain and cough. The meds were not working at all and she couldn't sit or lay down without excruiating pain. I called the doctor and he put her in the hospital where she stayed for 10 weeks. The cancer started to rear its ugly head and had spread to her spinal cord which caused paralysis in both legs. Since there was nothing that they could do for her except operate with a dim outcome, I had to make a decision as to how I would care for my mom. I wanted to take her home and get home care but the doctor said that my mom would need nursing care 24/7 and that it would be very hard for me that way due to my mom's deteriorating condition. I was so upset and I didn't know what to do. My doctor suggested nursing home care but I didn't want to do that to my mom without giving it a try my way. My mom wanted so bad to come home and die. But I was scared when the doctor told me that my mom would be having oxygen deprivation problems because of the tumor on my mom's spinal cord, skin breakdown, sepsis and pneumonia. I told my mom with choked up tears that I couldn't give her the kind of care that a nursing home could and asked her if she wouldn't mind going there for the rest of her care. She said " whatever you want is okay with me". My mom lasted about three weeks at the nursing facility and 4 days before her death, hospice stepped in. I was there the night that she took her last breath which was March 14, 2006.

I miss her so much and although I knew that her life was ending, I realize now that I was the one in denial. I was not prepared to say good-bye to her. I can still feel her presence all around me even though she is physically not here. My mom is gone but her love remains forever in my heart.

:angel:

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I truly understand your loss. I lost my mom thirteen years ago and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. At times I tell my husband "I want my mom." It's so sad.

God Bless. linda

Thank you Linda for your sympathy and kind words. I am sorry to hear of your mom's death too. I am taking my mom's loss very hard. I guess it is the normal process of grieving. Except that now I feel so alone right now. My mom became a widower when I was 15 and I lost my only sibling 10 years ago. He too died of lung cancer at the age of 44. I am happily married and have a daughter who just turned 30 this year. No grandchildren yet. I know that I have to be strong and go on for them too but all I can think about is not seeing or talking to my mom anymore. We were soul mates and now that she is gone, I feel like I lost everything and nothing much matters to me. My mom is gone but my love for her will never die.

Niki :angel:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through. I lost my Mom 5 months ago to breast cancer and had to make the same caregiving choices you did. I also had to put my Mom in a nursing home at the age of only 64. It was so hard to do but I knew in my heart she would have so much better care there than I could give her...(and I was right a million times over.) I lost my Dad 18 months ago to prostate cancer and haven't really dealth with that loss as I was taking care of Mom. But now losing her has really messed me up. Everybody keeps saying time will help, but so far I can honestly say I don't see a difference. They are on my mind everyday. I'm still trying to stop thinking of their last weeks on this earth and focus on the happy times, but can't seem to get there yet. I hope you have an easier time. Just know you are not alone. I think that helps.

Dear Niki,
I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your mother and what the two of you had to go thru. I know you have the biggest void in your life and no one will ever fill that. If it helps maybe when you are feeling alone, sit down and just write in a journal...whether it is a letter to your mom or just your thoughts. I lost my dad about 2 months ago to bladder cancer. (died within 2 weeks of being diagnosed) But...my husband was diagnosed June of 05 with SCLC and is fighting for his life to spend time with our boys. (16 and 9) I am the only one that lives in California so I am alone. Ok, let me tell you something....my father-in-law died 4 1/2 years ago and since that day my MIL died with him. It has been brutal on all of us! She tells me all the time she wants to be dead and that just hurts my husband so much when he is trying so hard to battle his cancer and be a survivor. I guess what I am trying to say...we know life is not fair, life is beautiful but when someone is taken from us that we love we must grieve in our own way, but never stop living. I was EXTREMELY close to my grandparents (they were like parents to me) so when they died 20 days apart in 1999 I felt the biggest void.(and still do) I won't lie...I sit down and to this day will write in my journal to my grandparents (maybe this is the wrong way of coping...but it helps) I also take their pictures I have around the house and talk to them. I just have conversations with them...I know not the same as having them around. You have a lot of sadness in your life and we cannot answer why that happens to more than others. Are you close with your daughter? Does she have that soulmate relationship with you like your mom had with you? I mean nothing offensively by what I am sugesting to you...just trying to help. I ask God everyday why he is putting my husband thru this terrible battle with cancer so young and never even smoked. (not that smokers would ever deserve this disease either...but does not make sense since he never did) You just don't know what is thrown your way in life. I pray a ray of sunshine will beam down on you and ease some of your pain and void. I will add you to the list of people on this posting board I pray for nightly. I am sorry I have rattled on so long.....I just wish I could help you...
Kim

Niki,

I am so sorry to hear about your mom, Your story really touches me as she sounds alot like my mom. My mom just turned 82 and is currently a 21 month survivor ( stage IV NSCLC), she too has done well and lives a pretty normal life except for a few days of fatigue following chemo. My mom also lives in denial feeling she will beat this cancer but that is ok as I would much rather have her believe that she has years left then the alternative.By doing so she is living on the same playing field as all of us as heck any of us could die in the next hour and she could die of something besides the cancer who is to say?

I know when my mom does die that it will hit me very hard and will leave a huge hole in my life for along time but I am hoping that the knowledge of how lucky I was to have a mom like her will bring comfort . I have met so many people that had horrible relationships with their moms, so you and I and others that feel that deep void when they pass are lucky in so many ways.I know your mom will live on through you and what better tribute can a person have? I willl say a special prayer for you tonight, take care and if you find a good way to cope with the grief please share as so many here would benefit. Take care . JanMarie :angel:

Dear Kim,

Thank you so much for your comforting words and support. In answer to your question about my closeness to my daughter, the answer is no. I mean we get along but we do have our differences. And we talk whenever. With my mom, I spoke to her everyday, some days twice a day. My mom came before anything or anybody. She was number one with me and I would do anything for her. My daughter is nothing like me. Her priorities come before anybody and all she does is cry and complain to me about money problems. I have helped her many times but I think that I have done a disservice to her by bailing her out of her financial problems. The other thing that urks me about her is that she is taking her grandmother's death very well, and she can't understand why I am feeling the way I do. I keep trying to explain to her that grieving is a fact of life and I will never let my love for her die. I told her that I need time to heal the emptiness in my heart and that she needs to understand that. Hospice keeps calling me for beveavement workshops and I think that I do need their insight and help. I don't want to make everybody's life miserable. Sometimes, I just want to be left alone and think about everything my mom said to me in her last days on earth.

I am sorry to hear about your troubles and your husband's illness. Cancer is a horrible disease and I feel for patients and their families when they are confronted with such a dilemma. When somebody close to you is sick, everybody suffers. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers. I do appreciate that. I hope and pray that your husband doesn't suffer much. Keep your chin up and think positive. Because your husband is so young, he might be able to beat this damn disease. I will keep him in my prayers too.

Niki :angel:

Niki,
Thanks for your nice reply and do hope you can grieve whatever way is the best for you. I am sorry you do not have a close relationship with your daughter, but at least you had it with your mom. It might be a good idea to take advantage of the bereavement workshops they offer to help you with your loss.
I did not intend to dump on you all my troubles, but at times my emotions get the best of me. I do keep my chin up most of the time and have my boys to think about. I think the hardest thing is knowing my husband might not get to see their boys grow into young men. I am also being selfish and thinking who will love me like my husband...not a soul so I can understand why you feel the way you do with the void with your mom. No one will love you like your mother....
Please check in once in a while and keep us posted and let us know like JanMarie said if you find a good way to grieve. Also, don't let your daughter bring you down....stay strong as it sounds like you have been with her.
Hugs to you,
Kim

Hi Janmarie,

Thanks for your reply and kind words of support. I truly feel for you and anybody whose parent is suffering with a terminal illness. At least your mom went for chemo treatments. My mom didn't want to have a biopsy or have chemo or radiation treatments. Whatever the doctors told her went right over her head. I cried when she was given her PET Scan results. She turned to me and told me to stop crying; everything would be okay; she is not sick and she is feeling fine. She was symptom free for two years before the pain began and she was still in denial about her fate. I spoke to her doctor about it and he went right along with her belief that she was okay. He is also my doctor and we talked many, many times over the phone about my mom's illness. She didn't want anything done and it was her perogative to make her own decisions and choices about her health. But I felt so bad because I realized that I couldn't do much for her pain that she said was just a cold or arthritis. I realized that she was going downhill very fast in the last few months. She was always very tired and stopped eating and she looked gaunt to me. My mom only weighed about 95 pounds or so but when she died she went down to 60 pounds.

It is very difficult to try and pretend that nothing is wrong when you know the truth. I did everything I could for her and I am so thankful that I spent as much quality time with her. I do know that the holidays are going to be tough for me. We always celebrated them together. I am going to the cemetery to say a prayer for her. Then I am going to my daughter's house for dinner. I keep asking for God's help in getting me through this.

Thanks again for your moral support. Hope your :angel: mom stays well for as long as she can.

Niki

Niki