Hi. Maybe some of you remember me from my last topic about the problems with my mom.

Well, right now I'm just wondering how I'm supposed to handle the way I'm being treated. Here's what just happened:

My mom takes a shower, gets dressed, and comes into my room. She gives my room and me a dirty look and says, "So why don't you clean your room?" "Rachel [my 9 year old sister] messed it up with her toys, so I'm waiting for her to pick them up." Of course since nothing I say is right, my mom replies, "Rachel helps me alot, OK? So you clean it up." So I accept that. But of course since my room really isn't the issue, she goes on asking me why I think I'm "so much better" than her, how I'm a "[crap] to have as a daughter," to get the hell out of here when I'm 18 (she knows I'm already planning this), calls me all sorts of derogatory names, and just EVERYTHING negative... I did nothing to provoke this - like I said, she came to me looking for a fight.

Am I supposed to defend myself? When she does this, all I do is say "Okay" or say nothing. I'm just afraid she's going to hurt me if I do say anything, as she is a violent person, and she's hit me before. I guess I'm wondering if I'm allowing this to happen because I don't say anything about it... So, should I try to next time..?

Your mother is emotionally abusing you, and since she's hit you before then she is guilty of physical abuse as well. My best advice is to try to stick up for yourself by reassuring yourself that you are not at fault. There is nothing that you can say or do that will make her happy or make her leave you alone. If you can get into counselling then I'd suggest you do it right away. Emotional abuse is not a fun thing to deal with..I have a crazy mom too, so I know. What you should realize is that you aren't doing anything wrong!! Your mom needs serious help.! My mom used to come into my room in the morning and nag at me about my room being messy (when it wasn't). She complained that I studied too much and didn't get out enough, but when I met my current boyfriend suddenly I had too much of a social life for her. She always found something wrong with what I was or wasn't doing. She would say and do irrational things and eventually I began to think I was actually doing something wrong. During the middle of last fall semester (I'm in college) she kicked me out of the house because she said I "wasn't participating in the household" whatever the hell that means. Her behavior up until that point had been so indescribably incomprehensible that I began to withdrawl. After classes I would come home and stay in my room. I started taking anti-depressents around that time too. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I am begging you to recognize the fact that her behavior is not normal! Her hurtful remarks and responses to you and things you do or don't do aren't based upon rational thinking. If you are concerned for your physical safety tell someone about it,, a counselor at school a teacher or youth group leader, some adult you know you can trust. It may be likely that your little sister will eventually endure the same sort of abuse you are enduring if nothing is done to correct the situation. If you're confused lost or just plain mad post again. I can totally relate and would love to help you out in any way I can.


[This message has been edited by TwinkleToes81 (edited 10-17-2003).]

[This message has been edited by TwinkleToes81 (edited 10-17-2003).]

The first thing you need to do is what ever is necessary to be safe and survive.
It would be very hard for anyone to tell you what you need to do or how to respond to be safe, because they are not in your exact situation and have not lived with you mother like you have.

But given that you are safe and she will not attack you I will make a few recommendations.

Do NOT defend yourself verbally.
There is no defense possible for a comments like “why do you think you are so much better the me”
Or “why are you a terrible daughter”
Those comments are designed to get you to respond and defend yourself so your mother can explode and really fight with you and prove to herself that you are as terrible as she needs to think.

You are right she is looking for a fight and if you defend yourself you are participating in the fight.

What you should try to say is something like this. . . .
"I can tell that you are upset right now.
You are right I can be a difficult daughter at times and sometimes I might act in a way where it seems that I might be thinking that I am better then you.
I do not like it that you are upset and I especially do not like it if you are upset with me.
I am thinking about moving out and being on my own in the future. I feel I need to do this sometime to grow as a person.
But you are my mother and always will be so I love you and I would like and try to have a better relationship with you if that is possible.
It hurts me when you call me names and are so negative around me.
I am going to clean up my room now
But I really feel that there is much more bothering you
And I would like to be able to discuss these things with you in a calm
And honest and as positive a conversation as possible when you have the time and feel up to it.
Maybe we could go out to eat or to a park and talk about things sometime?"

Is there some other adult parental figure in your life you can speak to? A father, Aunt/uncle, grandparent?

I hate to have you stuck in that situation and feeling like somehow you are to blame..you are NOT.

Please confide in someone and share what is going on in your life, someone you trust, if your mother continues this behaviour she will lose your love an dyour trust and that is something SHE will have to live with.

You must learn to somehow understand that for whatever reason your mother is unhappy and probably miserable and none if it has now or probably ever has had anything to do with you.

I know its hard but don't give her the fight she is looking for no matter how inflammatory the things she says become. Don't sink to her level-don't. You will become like her and hate yourself afterwards, even if you win.

And if you ever get Really scared, like really. Leave. Go to a friends house, or call family to come get you. You aren't alone.

Be safe & take care
katy

Thanks for the replies. My dad knows, my boyfriend knows, my friends know... I left when she was acting really scary. When I came back, of course she held it against me. Anyway, I do know that this is *her* problem.

I realize that you're probably right in that me defending myself will come off as talking back to her, so I'll just take it like I have to... It hurts me that my sisters will probably have to go through this too, and there's no way I can stop her! At least I'll be able to support them, though.

Just a crappy situation. Thanks for talking to me.

actually there is a way you can protect yourself and you siblings, i know, i think your mom and my mom are sisters or something, my mom was the master of emotional and physical abuse and had a charming way of turning it back on me, like i did something wrong.

this is what i did, i let her get mad enough to hit me, and hit me hard, it was scary, but i survived, i then went to a friends house and called social services, within 10 minutes 2 police officers showed up. my mom flipped, she actually came after me in front of the cops, they slapped the cuffs on her and took her downtown.

a social worker met with her and my father and told her she either had to leave the house and not return until she was deamed fit to return, or me and my sisters would be removed and put in protective custody/foster care. My dad knew she was psycho, but didnt know the extent, there was no way he was going tosee his children removed from their home, so he told her she had to leave and get help.

it was a very hard time for everyone, especially since it was 4 weeks before christmas, but in the long run, my mom got the help she needed. she isnt perfect even now, but we are all grown up now and my mom is a much different person than she once was.

i am not telling you to do exactly what i did, but if you want to save yourself and your family, something has to be done.

good luck sweetie

oii jan, ur not on your own. I experience the exact same thing everyday!!
My mum attaches some sort of meaning to have a clean house. Her life consists of cleaning the house each day and living a miserable f&**&d up life. I experience the axact same thing you!
Dont get caught up in her behaviour and i think having her around can only inhibit you as a person. I am considering moving out soon ( im 16 ) I seriously think if you can arrange something with a friend you will benefit greatly, you dont need these people constantly putting you down..it duz absolutely nothing for your self esteem and only serves to lead you one step closa to suicide. I have been seriously pushed to the brink on numerous occassions, but justified not doing it by the pather person inflicting it upon me - my mother. The only role my mother is currently serving to me is to assist me financially, oh and battering my self esteem everyday. Move out before you do something youll regret....hope things work out hun

I had a brief physical problem with my dad when my mom passed away. In his mind, he was left with two teens and didn't really know what he was doing. he thought instilling fear was dicipline. Until one day my neighbor heard chaos going on and called the cops. I would have never had the balls to do it myself. When the cops came my dad got scare....and the situation shifted. I felt empowered...like there was strength on my side...my dad lightened up on his diciplining methods...and I turned into more of an angry rebel. I put him in a bad situation afterwards...by disappearing all hours of the night....him not even getting a phone call. It was since those cops made me feel my power back.

It was terrible what I did to him too, though, I took advantage out of anger.

Your mom may have displaced anger she is placing on you....my sister did that to her daughter....because her husband was abusing her....she took it out on her daughter.

Your mom has issues....ignore her, she is a pathetic woman.....eventually you will get out of the house...save your strength for that....your relationship may change drastically then. Once she loses power over you, she will be a different woman...it's a shame it has to come to that. She probably hates the idea when you will become independant.

I feel bad for your sis, but when you get out...you'll see you will find stregth to change what your sis will endure....i did for my sister. When I left at 18...my dad was so devistated, my sis got treated like a princess for fear he would lose her too.

wow, alot of painful memories.