Well cyber-family, we got the results from the last CT. The cancer keeps on growing, just about taken over the left lung, inside and out. Now more lymph nodes are enlarged and the doctor was truthful, there is almost certain that there is malignancy in the nodes now (because of their size and number). He is off of the Alimta and goig back to the first set of chemo they had him on, the one that showed good progress...Carboplatin and Gemzar, and along with Avastin -- making this the 5th line. The Dr hopes since it's been a while that the tumors have seen this combo, there is a chance we can get it again. Although the right lung is completely clear, it has become painfully obvious that if this last attempt to slow it or shrink it fails, there is nothing more they can do for my hubby. That being said, he was given 3-5 months if in 6 weeks the CT shows no progress with the eventual withdrawl from treatment. So, it is with a heavy heart that I send this your way, always praying and hoping and sending love your way.

Jan

Oh my Dear Jan,
I have tears flowing after reading your posting....it feels like I know Bud and how heartbreaking. I do hope and pray that his body can respond well to the next round of chemo. I cannot even imagine how you feel and so sorry it was not good news. I wish I could say something to cheer you up and make your day a little happier. Please write whenever you are having a tough day and I will try to check the board daily. Stan gets his scans on May 2nd and guess we will get the results on the 4th or 5th if he does not land himself in the hospital before then since he refuses to take care of his blood sugar that is out of control! They once again lectured him this afternoon that he can go into diabetic coma so we will see if he does the injection this evening. Your heart just breaks for anyone battling this terrible disease! (or any disease!) I hope Bud can keep his spirits up and what a fighter you have! I know he is fighting to be with you and you never know what can happen...always holding out for that miracle. Stay strong my friend,
Kim

Jan, my heart breaks for you and Bud. I pray that he will again respond to the other chemo. If he doesn't respond please know that you are not alone. I know there are so many prayers coming your way. God bless you. Love from Ky., Pat

Jan, My heart also breaks for you and Bud as I too feel I know you both. When I first read your post I was getting ready to go get my teeth cleaned so walked in there with tears rolling down my face and they all thought something had happened to my mom. My dentist and his staff have all been alot of support as they really are a great group and get to know their patients well thus have been aware of what is going on in my life. Anyway I sat there all weepey as she cleaned my teeth and even the new chocolate flavored tooth polish followed by mint floss ( so yea sort of like York pepperminet patty) didn't cheer me up.

Later I found it weird how some one had dug up my post of bad news back from Jan. where my mom's CT also showed progression and she was not sure if she would do more chemo, and that it posted right under your post. So I reread it and all the pain I felt when I wrote it and thought that must be what you are dealing with right now. I wish I could say it will get better and that by saying it it would come true but I know things do not work that way. Tuesday we get the results of my mom's CT so will learn if this chemo has done any thing or if we are in the same place we were back in Jan. It is just so hard. My mom like Bud is on her last chemo or so that is what we have been told.

I have decided I need to start preparing myself for the day we are told that is all that can be done....could be next week, could be months from now we shall see. Anyway I am reading a book called Final Gifts it is written by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelly who have done alot of work in hospice. It is about understanding the specaial awareness needs and communtiactions of the dying..very interesting book,sad tear jerking at times as they use stories of people they worked with and death is always sad but it is also enlightening. I am beginning to see death quite differently by reading the messages that people in a near death awareness have left. I really recommend it . A family member of a patient I have known for along time that is now near death recommended the book to me so I will pass it along to all of you.

Jan, I will keep you and Bud in my thoughts and prayers. I hope this chemo can do some good again.Sending you both love from California, would also send a shoulder to cry on if I could, JanMarie

Jan, I am so sorry to read your news about your hubby. It must be traumatic to have to stand by feeling and being so helpless. I suppose about all we can do is to support them and love them. Prayers coming your way.

linda/gnik

Jan I pray that this new round of Chemo will be the magic bullet. Prayers to you and your husband.
Lorrie

Good morning all, it's the first time that I've had a chance to come here since Thursday and I thank you all for your loving support. I just really don't know what I would do if I did not have this safe harbour to come to. Just the understanding that flows between our posts and the love.
Since the most recent dx, Bud has gone into all-systems overdrive. He has decided that he needs to finish a whole bunch of tasks. In other words, he wants to build Rome in one day. We have a huge work day ahead of us today where all of the kids are coming out to help in an attempt to bring our backyard under control. Yesterday we managed to finish setting up our camping spot at Yellowbanks. I dug a new fire pit, surrounded it by two tiers of cinder blocks, etc etc. I'm still sore hahaa......and today promises to ice my cake. Anyway, it needs to be done and today is when we need to tell the kids what's going on. So a good physical workout is what we all need.
I'm making a list of things that I want Bud to teach me to do. Use the table saw without cutting fingers off, reassemble (and likewise dismantle) the pump systems for our above-ground pool and get it set up. I need to learn the proper way of jacking up my car since it's all plastic -- Bud swears that Saturns are made by Mattel :), and change my tire (I already know basically what to do there, it's just that sometimes the tire is too heavy and akward to pull out of the trunk. I want to know all about our sump pumps, changing the filters in our waterline (we have well water) the breaker box, and I can think of so many other things.
JanMarie, I thank you for the title to that book and I am sure to go hunting for it soon. I wish I could say I am in shock by all of this, but really, it did not come as a surprise. He has been hurting so very badly lately, just KNEW something was wrong, but as we all tend to do to keep our poor human hearts from panic, we hope that there is some good news in there. The doctor did say it was not a total disaster, but it was bad news. I asked for the latest report and have read it numerous time. There is a lot going on in his chest and none of it good. There are soft tissue nodules in the fat surrunding the heart and the node in front of it it quite enlarged. I wonder about the pressure it puts on his heart. Truthfully, and it is with great anguish that I say this, I hope when his time to go comes, it's by a heart attack. Quick. Not this slow death of a lung that is sure to collapse and take his life. Sometimes I cannot even look at myself in the mirror for my thoughts are there in my eyes, and I know he sees them too. I have spent way too much time crying lately, and am trying desperately to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I'm so tired and mentally/emotionally drained, yet each day I need to find a fresh supply or strength and courage and pep and positive thinking so I can keep us both going on my momentum. As Karen so aptly put, "it is by the grace of God that goeth I"
And with this I close, go back upstairs, drink my coffe, take my vitamins and get ready for mayhem in the backyard. I love you all and pray everyday and hold you all up and thank God for your friendships. Wherever you are (and I do know where some of you live (CA, GA, KY..) know that I think of you and your loved one and pray for you.

Take care,
Jan

Jan,
What a doll you are and even though you have been given sad news you are so uplifting to others and put a smile on my face. I understand what you are doing by having the kids over and getting the yard cleaned up....what a good way to spend some time together, share what is going on truthfully with the kids and use that built up stress on the yard! You and Bud and very special to me even though I don't know you personally. (along with many others on this posting board) Stan is also teaching me things around the house and sometimes he even gets a little fiesty and says that he won't show me something so we will truly miss him! (little stinker!) It amazes me how they fight so hard and he has kept his sense of humor during most of his battle! Today he is showing me some stuff on the computer...I am very computer illiterate due to the fact he does all of the networking for us and technical things and I have always done the other stuff around the house. Stan has had 2 very, very bad nights since he got the white and red shots. I don't think none of us can survive another night like that! Our 9 year old woke up when he heard his dad moaning in pain so loud and stayed up with him for about 2 hours massaging him out of fear...so wrong a child has to grow up this way! Of course the 16 year old can sleep through an earthquake so is fully rested this morning!
Jan always know you have your friends here on the posting board...I cannot take your troubles away...but I can understand what you are going thru if that helps any...I admire your strength and your sense of humor during all of this too! I think I need to take a trip one day though to come visit you and learn some true life skills! I do remember my dad taught me to change a tire when I learned to drive a car, but then at the same time he handed me a AAA card and told me this might be a safer idea considering the tire probably weighed more than me. I think living in Southern California my kids are growing up not knowing how to do basic things due to the fast paced life style here...hhhmm...I think we will have to go camping soon. My kids idea of vacation is a cruise...oh, if anyone ever wants to take the most beautiful cruise....it is to Alaska! We took the boys there the August before Stan was diagnosed with cancer. To this day my husband still tells me how that was the best vacation we had ever gone on! As you can tell once you get me going I can babble on and on...I guess it is my way of dealing with stress. My thoughts are with you Jan....you take care of yourself and don't work too hard! Also, to all you on the posting board...my thoughts and prayers are with you too...Oh yes, JanMarie, thanks too for the info on the book...off to the book store soon.
Kim

Jan
I am so sorry to hear about Bud,cancer is such a horrid thing,like Joe always said three steps forward and a million backwards.
Honey I will continue to pray for your Bud.

God Bless you
Karen

Oh Karen...
I was so happy to see you on the posting board...have been thinking of you so much and hoping you are taking care of yourself. I tell Stan I miss you so much and hope you are doing okay considering everything you have been through.
Hugs for you....
Kim

Oh my friends, you do not know what a blessing you are to me. It is late for me....hahah....all of 9:45 pm I must be getting old. I am so worn out, sunburnt, my feet are swollen beyond recognition and I feel like someone beat me up real good. But, everyone worked their booties off and then some. What an awesome group. We all cried together, ate together, and then got down to work for "him". For the first time ever, I can say I was truly honered, that my two youngest stepkids called me "MOM" today. OMG. What a feeling. I expressed to them, after Bud had his chance at the mike, that not only am I losing one, but I am losing five. They looked at me a little funny at first, then I said, that they had become my family too, and I knew that they had no ties to me other than my being married to Bud. One by one, they came to me and said...you will always be my "mom". Sometimes "heart" is deeper than "blood". How good is that?? I had my Mother's day a month early. What a group. I look at my once overgrown, crazy back yard and see all of the love, hard work, and dedication that each put into it. Including Bud's grandson, Darion. He worked his fanny off. LOL.
This is life folks. A day at a time. Both hands on the wheel. Feet on the pedal, eyes ahead, heart pointed up toward heaven. Take it. I am not an expert, but this is as good as it gets. Take each day with both hands, make your memories, cry if you must, and look at your blessing with an open heart. This might be the last day. Make the most of it. With all of my heart and prayers and hope and healing thoughts.....from SW Indiana....


Jan

Jan,
Wow, what special day you had even though you are sunburned, swollen feet and just plain worn out...no one can ever take away your special day and the memories you made! I had chills when I read about what your stepchildren said...how special. So nice to hear something so positive when times are so tough with Bud. Bud must be so proud of his children and nice for him to have heard his kids tell you how they truly feel.
Have a great week once you get over your soreness....
Kim

Jan, I to am glad to hear of your special day. It is nice when a family can pull together like that. I meant to repond the other day but just wanted to get to bed as Sunday was a crazy busy night at work and I needed to get my few hours of sleep so I could drive those wonderful LA freeways once again. Even when I do not respond know I have read your posts and hold both you and Bud in my heart. Hope you have recovered from you weekend! JanMarie