Hi girls,

This is not solely addressed to these 4, but I just wanted to specifically get their attention. Anyone can respond, though, of course so, Hi all. Haha.

I am still in Guatemala (leaving tomorrow) and I'm afraid to say that I did REALLY horribly today. I think I just need to get home and get back into my comfort zone. All the stress of being away, not exercising, and eating rich wedding food has been building each day and today I just got to my breaking point. Not only that, but my mom and I got in a fight last night (at 4am after the wedding - let's just say she had a lot of wine at the reception and was FORCING me on this guy she thinks is "perfect" for me) and that made me really upset all day today and in turn, bad with my eating.

So anyway, here is the scoop. There was a brunch this morning at 11am and since I was so upset, I just had coffee there. Afterwards I ate a banana, a small apple, some reduced fat wheat thins, and several pretzels. Not a good breakfast/lunch, I know, but I felt since I had been drinking the night before and hadn't exercised that I was sort of "over" in my calories. And I wasn't even THAT hungry to begin with.

So then, since it is our last day here, I decided to go with my aunt, uncle and cousin on this hike to a volcano (pretty cool, actually). Let's just say I had NO idea what I was getting myself into and it turned out to be a 1.5 hour bus ride there, a 4 hour hike (half of it was uphill) and another 1.5 hour bus ride back. By the time I got back to the hotel (7pm) I was STARVING and extremely nauseous, so I practically ripped the phone out of my mom's hands and called room service. Haha. I ate a special K bar while I was waiting for it. I got a grilled chicken breast and it came with a cup of jasmine rice, some bread, and a TON of guacamole. Since I was so hungry I inhaled almost everything - the chicken, the cup of rice, about 1/2 cup of guacamole (a lot of guacamole, actually) and one small roll with a little BUTTER even! I also had a big fruit plate for dessert.

I don't feel totally BAD about what I ate, but I feel bad about the way that I ate it and the speed at which I ate it. The ironic part is, if I would have eaten more earlier, I wouldn't have had to eat so much tonight.

I was so hungry when my food came that I didn't even enjoy it - I just shoveled it in (first bad part) and I couldn't control how much of it I was eating (second bad part). I probably wouldn't have normally eaten all that guacamole, but I almost couldn't even control myself.
When I was starving on the way home from the volcano I felt like I had deprived myself and I thought "what am I doing!? I need to eat!", but now that I have eaten and am full, I just feel like I'm back to square one - overindulged, as I like to put it, and on this path to fatness.

I actually thought about it today though and I exercised 30 mins on weds, none on thurs, 45 mins on fri, and then the hike today, so really I HAVE been exercising. I did not even realize! Ed had me TOTALLY convinced that since I wasn't eating my safe foods, going to my normal gym, and doing my yoga, that I was doing NOTHING, but that's actually not true! I know, however, that I have not been eating according to ideal standards and that has really been bothering me.

I guess one good thing is that I haven't been able to weigh myself at all. I am going to do it when I get home just to put my mind at ease b/c I will feel A LOT better if I can prove to myself that I didn't gain weight while having fun. But that's just the problem - can I have fun and eat different foods without automatically assuming I've gained weight? I really can't. I feel like I just can't grab the reins of this thing and I don't know what else to do....I am not giving up - I don't want to - but I am definitely feeling a little discouraged and kind of defeated tonight.

Sorry all of my posts have been so negative lately, but I've been feeling VERY trapped and tense at this wedding (in terms of eating). I just want to run and eat comfortable foods. I can't WAIT for that.

Hey LS, just a quick post:

You did not overeat. Even with all that guacamole, I am sure you came in under 900 calories.

You can not put yourself in situations where you get so hungry that you inhale your food-because you will feel like you are binging and eating way too many calories, although you are not. Your dinner was SMALL, even with all that guacamole.

That is why I and Joni keep stressing that you have got to eat on a regular basis EVERY DAY not matter if you are hungry or not (a strict meal plan).
By eating practically nothing all day you are Slowing DOWN Your metabolism-so you will gain weight faster/quicker then normal (although you do need to gain weight-but you don't want a slow metabolism, it will just make things harder for you).

Alcohol calories do not replace food calories!

Anyways, you will be home soon-and I hope you will take our advice and 1. Get a new therapist (Call around on Monday and find one!) 2. Fire your nutritionist 3. Find a new nutrionist and insist on a meal plan 4. OR...look into an intensive outpatient program

Where do you live?? City? (I know you live in CA) I was looking up outpatient programs earlier online for Sunshine. I found a lot-there are probably places that your current nutritionist does not eve know about.

Do you see how stressed out your life is?? How stressed out you are??
LS-if you knew that if you entered intensive outpatient for 30-60 days that you would be 80-90% better, would you do it???

You need to kick your ED in the a**. Just do it!!

Natalie,
I live in San Diego. My therapist said there are not any very good outpatient programs here. I might be moving to LA soon, but I don't know when.
I'm glad you don't think I overate last night. This morning I still felt like I had so I had a banana, coffee with milk, and a small bit of cereal for breakfast. Because I was traveling home from the wedding I had airplane food for lunch and didn't really eat it b/c it was disgusting (tough steak and pork). I ate the green beans, tomatoes, and iceberg lettuce from the salad, 6 cashew nuts, an apple, and a luna bar. For dinner I had a big burrito bowl with chicken, lettuce, salsa, and black beans and then I had frozen yogurt with nonfat granola for dessert. So, I made up for my missed calories at dinner. I still feel bad about not having exercised in a while, but tomorrow I'm going for a run first thing.

I do see how stressed out I am and how much food/calories rule my life/mood/happiness, but I feel like 80% of the time I am fine and I like my routine, so that's why it's hard for me to change.
I see my therapist AND nutritionist tomorrow and I'll see how I feel about changing either of them. I love my therapist, but, as my mom has said before, maybe that's a problem - she doesn't push me at all and I need to be a little uncomfortable in order to make progress, right?

I think once I get back into my routine and back to yoga and exercise I'll be able to eat more food more regularly. It was just hard being in a foreign country for this wedding and everything.

Thank you for being so concerned and getting so involved - you guys are so supportive..I love it.

hey ls, i don't really want to say too much because i know how stressful this week was for you. vacations and anything that really switches up "the norm" make Ed go into hyper-active overdrive, you know? it's like everything else gets "out of control," so we call on Ed to jump in and pull in the reins on everything he CAN control -- food, exercise, body obsessing, etc. vacations are getting easier for me, but they're still pretty stressful and hard and i have to focus A LOT on not going ED-hog-wild and starving myself, if that makes you feel any better.

so that being said, i don't really want to "critique" your week of eating, your determination to weigh yourself for reassurance, your obsession with jumping back on the exercise bandwagon, and the fact that you'll probably eat a latte, berries, rice cakes and cottage cheese today. i will say breifly that A) you didn't eat enough EVER on the trip, B) you most likely lost weight, C) weighing yourself will NOT make you feel better, D) resorting to "safe, comfortable" foods won't help you make progress in any way, E) challenges and struggles are absolutely essential to recovery.

and that's all i'm gonna say because i completely understand the stress that comes along with vacations. i too feel those super strong urges to just get back to my safe "routine", and i'm starting to understand how hard it is to fight off those urges. i'm not sure you're to that point yet, you know? i will say that you MUST get yourself a new nutritionist immediately. either that or get this chick you've been seeing to give you a friggin' meal plan. (and if it's under 2000 calories a day, fire her.) you aren't making ANY progress this way, so it's time for a change.

let me know how today goes!

Hi Joni,
Wow - you were so right. I went to the gym this morning and weighed myself afte my run and....I have lost weight. I sort of didn't believe it at first, but then I went to my therapist later and she weighed me and confirmed it. I was down about 2.5 lbs (which is partially water and I'm sure not ALL legitimate weight loss), but still...I definitely didn't gain the 10lbs I felt like I had gained.
It doesn't really make sense to me, though, because I feel like I ate a lot of "bad" stuff AND didn't exercise as much. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with the scale or maybe the weight just hasn't had time to be put on. In a week it should show up b/c it doesn't come on right away.

Anyway, that being said, I made a HUGE step tonight (at least it feels like a huge step): I ate a microwave dinner that was not Healthy Choice, not Lean Cuisine, Not SouthBeach - it was a NORMAL Stouffers meal! It was bell peppers stuffed with turkey and rice with tomato sauce...mmm. I also ate some vegetables with it and some tzatziki sauce. I am SO full now, but it feels good to have eaten something normal like that.
I think overall I did well today - no rice cakes! Haha.
Banana, some berries, and a Latte for breakfast
3 flat bread crackers with a lot of turkey, tomatoes, sprouts, avocado, and cucumbers for lunch
Large apple and 1 pack graham stix for a snack
and that Stouffers meal for dinner! I'm going to have frozen yogurt for dessert (and I already had 2 mini reeses after dinner....)

I went to my nutritionist today and we formulated a more concrete meal plan, but it isn't THAT challenging. We can easily revise it as we go along, though, and I'm going to start seeing her twice a week, so that's good...

I think I'm going to get this thing more under control. I am starting to have another realization of how much it holds me back and how debilitating it is and it makes me SICK. I just hope this feeling lasts long enough for me to take some real action.

Talk to you soon!!
LS
PS- Dawg, where are you??? I want to hear how things are going! Get on here when you can.... XO

ls, good job! it makes me VERY happy to read your post, mostly because you SOUND so much happier and more relaxed. i'm glad you're feeling the digust with all the sh** that anorexia makes you do/feel/etc. i think that's where my committment to recovery stems from too. sure, i'd love to "stay with Ed" and be skinny for the rest of my life, but i am just so SICK of all this anxiety, obsession, frustration that the ed causes me, you know? ugh, it's just such a pain in the a$$ to have an eating disorder!?!

anyway, i'm not at all surprised that you lost 2-3 pounds. (and i can guarantee you the scale wasn't "warped" and that the weight won't magically "appear" in a couple days) i know you think that you ate a ton of bad stuff, but really you didn't ever eat even half of what your body NEEDS on that trip. try to focus on how starving you felt many of the days and maybe that'll partially convince you that you didn't eat enough. or just try to move on and forget about it. like i said before, vacations are tough when you're trying to recover from anorexia, because everything goes out of whack and Ed goes into super manic controlling mode. so just try to let it go. accept that you DID lose 2.5 pounds and realize that this makes it even more ESSENTIAL that you put weight on as you are now even MORE in the danger zone with the lower weight.

i'm VERY proud of your dinner tonight!!! don't the REAL frozen meals just taste so much better? and they're so much better for you in terms of providing something near actual nutrition, you know? (those lean cuisines are like a snack in comparison!) anyway, your eating today was better, so pretty good work. you REALLY need to focus on eating more for breakfast and lunch, hon, ESPECIALLY if you're running in the morning. do you realize that by not eating carbs (and fruit doesn't count) after running, you're forcing your body to turn to its own muscle for fuel? (not good!) please read some articles on running and replenishing carbs post-exercise cuz it's REALLY important. you're actually damaging your body every time you do it (eek!) anyway, your eating was definitely BETTER, so just keep pushing yourself. it was no where NEAR enough to gain weight on, so make sure you fully realize and accept that fact. (it wasn't even enough for weight maintainence, okay?) BUT, i understand that this is just the beginning, so keep working. i think it's really great that your nutritionist is finally giving you a meal plan and that you'll be seeing her twice a week. and just remember, meal plans can be super flexible. if you go in and you're like "ugh, i'm so sick and tired of eating "x" food everyday," then you and your nutritionist can figure something else out, you know? plus, hon, you NEED this more than anything. one word of caution (and i say this just cuz i still kind of doubt your nutritionist a little bit): if you do not feel challenged and ANXIOUS about how much she wants you eating within about two weeks, PLEASE look for a new nutritionist, okay? i say this just because you are SO used to eating WAY too little calories, fat, etc. that a good, healthy, balanced meal plan SHOULD make you very nervous and send Ed into hyper-drive. do you know what i mean? anyway, just use your ls-common sense and i think you'll know whether the meal you create is right for you or not.

anyway, congrats on a good day yesterday and just stay focused. i too am feeling a sort of "revival" of wanting to recover and it's fantastic! have a good one!

and dawg baby, i miss you too! if you check in and read ever, this is just to let you know we're thinking of you!

I know - it's terrible. Vacations are supposed to full of relaxation, sipping margaritas, eating delicious food, and not even thinking once about exercising...but it becomes the opposite for ED. "You're eating WHAT for lunch? You're having a MARGARITA tonight? You're not going to RUN later?"....I hate him!!!

I really want this motivation to stick with me b/c I honestly feel like beating Ed into the ground right now - haha. I am so restrained by him and he makes me so miserable!!! I'm so glad you have a renewed motivation, too, Joni. Let's motivate eachother!! You have been doing so awesome in recovery, but you still have SUCH a long way to go both physically and mentally. I know you can do it!! You're such an inspiration to me.

I am happy to have a more concrete meal plan, too, because I do not do well with a vague outline (as we've seen). This morning - day one - I stuck to the plan and am feeling really great about it. I had a bowl of lowfat cottage cheese, banana, blueberries, and 3/4 cup cereal. Got all my groups in!! I'm going to go workout soon and then get a massage!!! Treating myself....
I'm a little nervous about lunch b/c I don't want to have to eat a big sandwich or something, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

OK- this is really off topic, but Joni, I wanted to ask you about a job situation. Basically, as you know, I've been job searching and interviewing lately for a position in advertising. Well, just yesterday I got a call from DDB in los angeles and they offered me a position! I am very flattered and so excited, but I'm also scared/hesitant. I think part of me knows that I'm not ready to make that kind of commitment and change right now and I don't know if I should accept! It is the least paying job with the longest hours (out of all the ones I interviewed for) and it is in LA (which would require me to move, obviously). What do you think? Part of me thinks it might be good to be submerged in a job and get my mind of ED, but another part of me thinks it could be awful. I would be working 9-7 or 8 (no time for therapy or nutritionist), getting paid very, very little and not even doing the most fun work. It would obviously be a GREAT foot in the door and all the people I would be working with are nice, fun, and creative, but I just can't tell if that would be enough. What do you think? I have to make my decision by Thursday and I am SO torn.

Anyway, I'm going to try and focus on the meal plan today and stick with it and I'll let you know at the end of the day how it went.
XXOO
LS

yay, ls! it sounds like you're having a FANTASTIC day so far!!! really quickly, GREAT breakfast! i'm so happy you could do it and that you feel good about it. and good luck with lunch. just try not to think about it till lunchtime and then JUST DO IT. don't allow Ed to speak, just EAT, okay? maybe if you think about the meal plan as a "trial" for this week (that's how i'd cope when she'd jump mine like 500 calories or something in one day). it was scary as he**, so i'd just think, "okay, it's just for one week and if i gain 10 pounds, OBVIOUSLY she'll change it then." it helps you (mentally at least) to accept the fact that you have to eat more than you're comfortable with, you know? (plus, look what happened with me for inspiration! NONE of those massive calorie jumps really did much ... the most i ever gained in a week was 2 lbs, okay?) so be strong, i know you can do it!!!

part two: congrats on the job offer!!! that's so fantastic! it really sounds like it would be an awesome opportunity and you SHOULD feel flattered. you rock, girl! i hate to offer my advice, but i'll just say what i'd do in your situation. (plus, i feel like we're friends, even if its only the internet, and i guess i wouldn't hesitate to give my real-life friends job advice, you know? anyway, i feel a little uncomfortable, but i'll just say it anyway, i guess ...) if it were me, i don't think i'd accept. the hours are the primary reason, honestly (money is pretty "eh" to me. i'm used to living on a budget, and really, it's not that bad.) BUT, working long hours creates LOADS of food-related problems in my opinion. you'll be eating a lot on the go, which may be more difficult. you may have more trouble actually sticking to a concrete meal plan (which you NEED to do) if you're working straight through every meal of the day you should be eating, you know? plus, working that much is (obviously) going to be VERY consuming. with me at least, i NEED a lot of myself/my energy to fight Ed and focus on recovery.

NO WAY should you take the job if it means quitting therapy and your nutritionist, by the way. that is MUCH more important right now, you know? i don't know, i think i'd say no. i'm an actress and i haven't actually auditioned for anything in months and i think it's because i NEED my "me time" to focus on recovery. when i'm in a show, it's like wake up at 6:30, run, go to work, get home at 5:30, scarf down dinner, hop in the car and go to rehearsal, rehearse till 10, eat dessert in the car ride home and CRASH in bed (knowing i've gotta do the whole thing again tomorrow.) without food issues, it's busy, but WITH food issues, it's REALLY stressful, you know? i need time to eat, learn to enjoy food, get all my food for the day in, etc. it's much harder to do that when you're busy, you know? plus, i've noticed (with me at least) that the busier i get, the more active "Ed" gets. i get stressed, i obsess about calories, weight and exercise, i restrict a little, i get nervous, etc. basically, it ain't good. when i'm less busy and more relaxed, i've found it's easier to keep Ed a little less "in control."

anyway, this is just my opinion and what I'd do in the situation. i'm sure you'll get lots of others from family and friends, so just really think it through (make pro-con lists, whatever, lol!). i'm sure you'll make the right decision and whatever it is, i'm in full support! have a fantastic day and if you'd like to chat, here i sit at my computer NOT in the mood to work. :)

Joni-
Basically, you said exactly what I wanted to hear. I feel the same way about the job as do most of my friends, my mom, and almost every other person I've talked to about it. Even my therapist called me today concerned about the decision I was going to make! I think it's just hard b/c in the beginning I was like "DDB is the coolest company! They do the greatest ads and are so awesome!!" and now I'm offered the job and I'm hesitating...shouldn't I be jumping for joy!?!? Obviously something doesn't feel right to me about it or else I'd be ecstatic.
I would be fine working long hours if I were doing something I absolutely LOVED (or if I were making boat loads of money!), but for practically minimum wage, I don't think I should sacrifice my health and happiness right now - or EVER for that matter!

I'm glad you sort of solidified my opinion b/c it's so much easier to feel OK about something when someone else backs you up. I KNOW that ED would go hog wild if I had a job like that and I just can't let that happen right now.
Come to think of it, I don't even know if moving to LA is the best thing for me either! Part of me thinks that the reason I want to move up there is b/c I feel like I "should" - I SHOULD get away from san diego, I SHOULD move far from home, I SHOULD I SHOULD I SHOULD...but I'm not even paying attention to how I feel! Maybe I could move out, get my own apartment and a job and still live in SD and be HAPPY!? I think that's very likely, but I just get too caught up in shoulds....what do you think?

Wow- I just typed that at super speed b/c I'm so wired right now about it. I need to make my decision with DDB by thursday, but as of right now, my answer is going to be no. It's so scary to say that!! I'll let you know how it goes.

In terms of food, I have been doing really well today, I think. It's been kind of weird...
This morning I had that good breakfast at 8am (banana, 3/4c. cereal, 1/2c. LF cottage cheese, and coffee) and then around 11:45 (before I got a MASSAGE!!) I had a big fuji apple. I ate lunch after the massage around 2:15 and that consisted of 4 rye krisps and a cup of this sonoma chicken salad made with LF mayonnaise, walnuts, and grapes and I had 5 m & ms after that.
I keep thinking about that chicken salad and worrying that it was made with REAL mayonnaise, but I'm not going to think about it anymore. I always second guess ppl at restaurants and food places: "are you sure it's FF dressing? are you sure that's the LF cream cheese? Did you really use nonfat milk?" So ridiculous!!!

I hope it's ok, but I want to post the "meal plan" my nutritionist and I came up with just to see what you think. It's probably going to be increased at some point, but it's good for now:
2-3 servings of protein, 3+ vegetables, 4 breads, 2+fruits, 2-3dairy, 1 fat
Breakfast: 3/4 cup cereal, 1/2 cup LF cottage cheese or 1 cup yogurt, 1 piece fruit
OR
1 slice toast with peanut butter and a banana
Morning snack: 1 piece of fruit or latte (optional here or in afternoon)
Lunch: 3oz chicken or turkey, bread or crackers or 1/2 cup rice, 1 fat here or at night (avocado, nuts, etc)
Snack: 1 fruit (if not in AM)
Dinner: 3 oz fish, chicken, steak, 1/2 cup rice or small potato, vegetables
Evening Snack/dessert: Frozen yogurt or ice cream

Basically, it is what I eat now only 1) more for breakfast and 2) more carbs, in general. What do you think about it? Do you even think I'll gain weight on this? I sure hope not b/c this does not seem like a ton of food...

Hey girls!!!

I'm still around, just haven't had time to post. I'm still going to the outpatient program, but I'm only going 11am-3pm this week, and I think this will be it for me. I think insurance is going to give me the boot after Friday, so I'm on my own after that.

LS, I was sad to read the first post here about what a hard time you had on vacation, but I was much happier to read that you not have a better meal plan. I really hope you stick with it, but honestly, I now know that there's no way I would have ever stuck with my meal plan without being basically forced to do it for a while. I really, really do think that's what it's going to take for you. You would be amazed at what all you learn going to the outpatient place. The most important thing I think I've learned is that none of the ED is about the food. Okay, so I know that's old news for all of us b/c I know I always heard that before, but I never really believed that. I thought it really was about the food, at least for me it was. But, I was wrong. For me, it's about control issues, self-esteem and body image, and just feeling like my life has been completely out of control for a really long time. Once you pull all of this stuff out and learn to deal with it, the ED actually takes a back seat. I'm not saying that the struggle immediately ends, but you take huge strides in beating it when you begin resolving all of the underlying issues. BUT, you can't start dealing with the issues if you're not physically in a healthy place to begin with. That's why you need to be in an environment where you have no choice but to follow your meal plan. You are still way too worried about gaining weight. That is the exact opposite of what you're supposed to be doing. But, you're not going to feel any differently until you dig down deep and figure out what's really going on. You can say until you're blue in the face that you're ready to beat Ed, but what caused Ed to move in in the first place is still there for you. He's not going anywhere until you take care of that. And to be honest with you, after going through this stuff, I believe it takes professionals who know what they're doing and have dealt with this stuff before to help you. And believe it or not, they really have seen it ALL. That was one thing that really shocked me about the program. I went in there thinking that my situation was completely different from anything these people had ever dealt with, but I was totally wrong. I found out that pretty much everyone there thinks that way. But the therapists and drs and clinical assistants who work there really have seen EVERYTHING! They totally expect you to not be completely upfront with them, to try to keep things from them, to NOT WANT to be compliant with your mealplans, to go home and exercise (even though you're not supposed to), etc, etc. Anyway, just please really think about what I've said to you. I know your first thought is "there's no way I'm going to any outpatient program, I'm not even that bad off and I know I don't need to go that far, I can do this on my own"---I thought that exact same way, and so does everyone else, but Ed is much stronger than we give him credit for, and I can't even explain how thankful I am now, that I let people talk me into going.

Okay, I'll stop with the lecture now--I guess I've been around that sort of thing so much in the last several weeks that it kind of rubbed off on me!

Joni, hey girl!! Thanks for the "thinking of you" note, it really felt good to read that and know I was missed. I was really afraid you guys would think I just abandoned ya'll. I have thought about you all a lot, in fact, I wish ya'll could be in this program with me. I've actually had a lot of fun in between all of the emotional turmoil that goes on while sorting out feelings and stuff. The girls there are great, and I know if ya'll were there, we'd have a blast. It's sort of like an EDS sorority there, pretty pathetic, huh? :) I haven't had time to read through all the other posts to see if you've posted what's been going on with you, but I take it you are still struggling to gain weight, right? I kind of know how you feel now b/c they've increased my calories to 3000 a day to try to get my weight to move. It's actually working a little bit for me, but I still have a long way to go. Has your weight moved at all? Are you still eating the same number of calories you were before? Please let me know what all has been going on with you.

Oh, and LS, I'm so proud of you for doing what's best for you in terms of the job. I know that decision was probably really agonizing for you, but your health has to take top priority.

Well, I've got to go talk to my husband. That's part of what I've been trying to work on, more communication, or "finding my voice". If that sounds strange, I'll explain more about that later.

I'm thinking of all of you guys, and hopefully it won't be too long before I get a chance to post again! Hope everyone is having a FANTASTIC WEEK!!!

Hi Dawg!!! It is so good to hear from you!!!
Wait, why are you going to be stopping outpatient therapy!? That really scares me! You seem to be doing so well in there and I would hate for you to backtrack now...Is there any way you can keep it up?
I have thought about outpatient, but right now I am feeling very motivated and strong and I honestly don't think it is necessary. My dietitian has given me a more concrete meal plan (as I said above) and I have been following it for 2 straight days now!! I have to be honest, though - I'm feeling a little anxious today. At least I know I am seeing her tomorrow again (we're up to 2x a week) so I can discuss it with her.

So you are having the same problem as Joni with not gaining weight, eh? Did you gain at first and then stop or have you just been idle? I am afraid that I WON'T have that problem...but who knows! The only thing about my meal plan that I made with my dietitian is that it has no calorie requirement. We just sort of went by food groups (protein, carbs, etc)...but maybe she knows around how many cals that would add up to.
Here is how today has been so far:
Breakfast: nonfat latte (dairy/protein), luna bar (carbs), large apple (fruit)
Snack: 4 peanut m&ms (dam**t)
Lunch: 1 string cheese and 1 light babybel cheese (dairy), chicken rice soup(protein/carbs), 3 rye crackers (carbs), 10 mini sesame crackers
Snack: 5 toffee almonds

I am going to a BBQ at my friend's house for dinner and I'm EXTREMELY nervous about it, but I'm going to try and not think too hard about it. I really want to just have fun!!
Do you think that my meal plan seems substantial enough?

How are you doing with exercise, Dawg? Have you been ok about easing up? I sure hope so. I'm sure you probably find you have MORE energy now that you are not wasting every drop of it on unnecessary exercise!!!

Don't disappear again!! Love hearing about how you're doing....

Just wanted to add onto that last post. Went to the BBQ with my friends and it was SO much fun. I loved cooking dinner and feeling normal with all my friends. I had a few chips with salsa, some carrots and dip, and then 2 chicken skewers with bbq sauce and some salad for dinner (lettuce, tomato, goat chees, avocado, bell pepper and oil and vinegar dressing). I was worried about eating regular dressing on the salad AND goat cheese, but it tasted so good and I figured I didn't overeat today, so it was fine.
But then, after dinner, the sugar craving struck. I HAD to have frozen yogurt and so I left sort of early so that I could make it to the place before it closed (10:30pm). I feel so dependent on it!!! I have to have it almost EVERY night after dinner!!! I got lowfat granola topping, too.
I just feel like everyone else ate the same as me at the bbq and was just hanging out and relaxing, but I just HAD to jet out of there in order to get my frozen yogurt. I feel like such a cow. Everyone (even guys) were like "man, I'm stuffed. that was delicious!" and then I'm going and getting a huge dessert afterwards! Why does this feel so wrong? Why can't I just forget about my frozen yogurt for one measely night and eat the same amount as everyone else?

I know that I am not a fat cow and I know that each of you will probably tell me that eating it was absolutely fine...but I'm VERY full now and I just feel like I overate. I am going hog wild now that I'm on this new meal plan. Am I out of control?

yay!!! dawg's back! we missed you sweetie. it made me SO happy to read your post. i feel like you're really starting to connect to yourself (your REAL self, not your ED-self) and it's just so inspiring to hear about. even just the way you wrote, i could tell you seem more at peace and centered than before. it just makes me so happy! it REALLY sucks that you have to stop the program, but i think you'll still keep doing great and pushing forward. maybe it'll just be a little more intensive with your therapist outside, you know? anyway, you'll have to tell us all about it.

3000, ha! you're officially on my team, baby! man, isn't it a LOT of food, lol?!? i hope you're enjoying it (in addition to the struggling cuz believe me, i KNOW how hard it is to eat 3000 calories a day, EVERYDAY, no matter what.) but it is freeing, you know? anyway, just keep stickin' it out. it hasn't been that long, so i'm sure your weight will pick up soon (although, speaking from my experience, i'm not sure i believe that. but i think i'm a freak case, lol!) as for me, still doin' pretty good! up to 127 pounds (i just figure you two don't care if i post that, let me know if you do), so that's good, but man, i don't know how i'm gonna get those last 3 and actually KEEP them on, you know? i mean, it's taken me MONTHS of 3000+ calories and NO walking anywhere at all for me to gain 4 stinkin' pounds!!! so i'm doing okay, still eating 3500 (that's kind of my limit, i think. any more and i think i'd be REALLY unhappy and sick-feeling, you know?), still not walking anywhere (REALLY tough too -- it's getting nice out and just trust me that it's really difficult to live downtown and not walk. basically i just can't do anything, sigh.) basically, i feel okay, but i'm VERY apprehensive about the future, i guess. i don't see how i'm gonna be able to do fun stuff like play tennis and bike and eat without counting calories and not lose weight, you know? but i just keep trusting that it'll all work out. easier than worrying about it, you know?

ls, oh hon. i don't know what to say. first of all, i'm back to my original campaign of "fire that nutritionst." she obviously is being WAY too cautious. that meal plan is one of the lightest, most unsubstantial things i've ever seen, seriously. it is NOT enough food for someone your height/age/weight to even maintain their weight. PLUS i know you're exercising, so you NEED more food. especially to gain weight, for goodness sake! honestly, i don't know what the he** she's thinking. the other big flaw is that it doesn't challenge you AT ALL. you are still allowed to survive on crackers instead of bread (normal people don't do that by the way), all safe foods and almost no fat, healthy or otherwise. the plan is ultra low on vegetables, which i don't understand at all either. basically, i think it kinda sucks, hon. so i'm back to thinking that SHE sucks and i really feel you should look for a new one, k?

part two, i don't know how to say nicely so i'm just gonna say it. how in the he** do you expect to recover if you don't FOLLOW the meal plan you've been given (as un-substantial as it is)??? the whole reason that natalie and i have been writing paragraph after paragraph urging you to get a meal plan is because you have a TERRIBLE tendency to way under-eat whenever you might be eating more than a lean cuisine and cottage cheese for dinner. and then you break it and go back to weirdo non-meals on the first day you're going to a BBQ?!?! it doesn't work that way! if you want the meal plan to help you then you MUST follow it every single day. otherwise what's the f***ing point of having the stupid thing? the point of a meal plan is to STOP you from overcompensating and FORCE you to eat enough food to sustain your body. you cannot substitute 4 m&m's (which is probably like 20 calories by the way) for what you are SUPPOSED to have in your plan. if you ate the m&m's and feel bad (which is a probably in itself, who eats only 4?!?), then you CANNOT undereat/skip parts of the plans for 4 f***ing m&ms?!?

you know why you HAD TO HAVE frozen yogurt? because your body was STARVING. come on, ls. you've gotta commit. plus, the BBQ was only chicken and salad ... what are you so anxious about?!? you know what bbq's are like up in the midwest? brats and cheeseburgers and hot dogs. the sides are usually baked beans and potato chips and dip, potato salad, pasta salad, etc. now THAT is something to get nervous about, not a friggin' kabob and a lettuce salad. you have to find a way to convince yourself to commit to recovery, cuz sweetie, i don't think you're quite there yet. i'm sorry if this post seems disjointed and weird, but i'm getting more worried for you the more i type. it seems that you're only committed to recovery when it's CONVENIENT and that isn't the way it works. it's a 100%, full time job, not something that you do when there's nothing "triggering" going on and don't do when there are triggers, you know? i KNOW that you want to recover, but now you need to take that step and actually start DOING it, k? anyway, i hope i wasn't too random in this one. let me know what you think!

Good - I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that meal plan is a little measely. I'm sticking to it and it seems to be a good amount of food, BUT, I also know that a meal plan should push my limits and make me a little uncomfortable, right? I don't feel uncomfortable at all right now. In fact, it sort of scares me how easy it is for me to follow this plan. I keep thinking "whoa, what if I want MORE than this???" I feel like I am limited to the exact amount that the meal plan allots me.

Don't get more worried about me - I am actually feeling more motivated and healtheir (mentally) than I have in a while. I did lose weight when I went to Guatemala, but I honestly don't think it was "real" weight. Just this morning I weighed more.
My therapist is concerned though and actually mentioned an inpatient clinic in St. Louis today. She just put it out there as something to think about, but she didn't say she was highly recommending it. I think the weight loss after my trip just sort of scared her, but I'm putting it back on pretty fast.

I can't believe BOTH of you, Joni and Dawg, have to be eating 3000+ calories! I know you're frustrated, Joni, but I'm jealous! Haha. Congrats on getting up to 127! Gosh, that is still so low. I can't believe you have been eating 3500 for so long and doing no activity (literally nothing???) and have only gained 4lbs. That's crazy.

I've honestly been really proud of how I've done the past few days. I have totally stuck to my meal plan (which isn't hard) and I've felt great (except for when I eat chocolate or something "bad"). Today I had an apple and a latte for breakfast b/c I had a really bad stomach ache. I wanted to eat more, but I just really didn't feel well. I forced myself to even eat that, which I'm happy I did. Normally I would have not eaten anything if I didn't feel well. For lunch I made a great wrap sandwich!! 1/4lb turkey, fat free ranch dressing, avocado, tomato, iceberg lettuce in a whole wheat tortilla and 10 baby carrots on the side. It was so satisfying (like a cobb salad in a tortilla minus the bacon!) I almost put Bacon Bits in it, but then I realized how horrible they are for you (tons of hydrogenated oils and saturated fats) and I just felt like they were fake and gross so I didn't. It wasn't the fat or anything like that that turned me off - it was the fakeness of them!

Anwyay, I'm glad to hear that everyone is in a good place right now. I think we're all on an upward trek right now, and that's great! I'm going to meet with my nutritionist today and we'll see if we revamp my meal plan at all. I'll let you know.

PS- Joni, I understand how hard that must be to not be able to walk around when it's so pretty outside! Can you literally not even just stroll around the park? Have you bf pull you in a wagon! Haha.
PPS- I turned down the DDB job - it was SO hard, but I figure I'm just not in the place to accept it right now you know? Do you agree?

LS and Joni,
Hi, just wanted to check back in with you guys while I had a chance.

LS,
Joni is totally right, your meal plan sucks. You will NEVER gain weight with so few calories. Let me give you an example of my meal plan from the treatment center:

Breakfast: 1 cup of cereal w/2% milk, 8oz orange juice=2 starches, 1 fat, 1 dairy, and 1 fruit
Snack: either an Ensure or a Power bar, and 2 graham crackers=about 4 starches (by the way, what the heck kind of snack is "4 m&ms"?!?)
Lunch: entree size serving of lasanga, small bowl of broccoli, 1 roll, small bowl of mixed fruit, 8oz milk=3oz protein, 1 veggie, 1 fruit, 3 starches, 1-2 fats, 1 dairy
Snack: same as previous one
Dinner: 3oz fried chicken, small bowl of mixed veggies, 1 roll, 1 large apple, 8oz milk=same as lunch
Snack: same as others

Okay, so do you see the enormous difference between your plan and mine? Plus, at the treatment center you have to eat EVERY SINGLE BITE of your food and if you don't, they will make you drink another ensure as a supplement to replace the missed calories. Also, every now and then you are expected to get a "risk" food which means a dessert of some kind-a brownie or a slice of chocolate cake or apple pie or lemon cake, etc. And this is the amount you eat every single day, not just when you feel like it. Now do you see how you should actually be eating? This is normal eating, not the piddly little amount you're existing on. Now if you look at what I'm eating and think "man, I could never eat all that food", then you need to rethink that whole idea about going to a treatment center. I think your therapist is right on track by telling you to think about the inpatient. You are still making this all about the food and your weight, and it's really not that at all, even though you can't see that right now. Getting the right help will open your eyes to that. I hope you don't think I'm nagging you, that's not what I mean to do. I'm just worried about you and I want you to get healthy. About me, I didn't choose to quit the outpatient center; my insurance apparently has decided that I've had enough and should be all well by now--aren't insurance co's great? I have learned a lot though, so it's just a matter of applying what I've learned to my life outside of the clinic. I know I'm going to struggle, but at least now I'm armed with knowledge and better coping skills. Now when I'm tempted to restrict and/or over-exercise, I can stop and ask myself why and figure out what's going on in my life that is causing me to want to act out in my ED. If I can figure that out and deal with it, I won't have the desire to go back to restrictive behaviors. Oh, and by the way, I didn't exercise the whole time I was in treatment until this week, but I had permission from my dietitian that I could as long as it was no more than 20-30min 3 x per week, and only walking, no running. Well, not running is difficult for me, so I have done that this week, but I have kept it to a maximum time of 25 min, so I'm not over-doing it.
LS, please, at the very least, get a new nutritionist. Does your current one normally deal with ED patients? If not, that's the first thing you need to look for--find a nutritionist that specializes in ED's. And, please think some more about going to a treatment center. Ok, I won't say anything more about that (for now ;)!)

Joni,
Yeah, I guess I have that same issue with the weight gain, maybe not to the same degree as you, but similar. My weight didn't change at all for the first 2 weeks, then it started moving up slowly. I will find out tomorrow exactly how much I've gained, so I'll let you know if I had much success. It definitely is a lot of food, but it is nice to know I can actually eat a substantial amount of food and not blow up. I'm so happy that you're up to 127!!! I know those next 3lbs seem impossible to reach, but just keep up the great work you've done so far and eventually you'll get there, and you WILL get to walk again one day (or play tennis or whatever else), your body is just taking it's own sweet time to repair itself on the inside and it's using all the calories you're giving it to do that, so you just gotta keep on keepin' on-like I said before.(just keep telling yourself "patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue"):)
I just realized that I don't think I've ever heard you or LS talk about the issues that caused your ED's, do you know what they are for you? I'm sorry for asking if that is too personal. If that's the case, just let me know and I'll mind my own business. It's just that that's all I've been talking and hearing about for the past 4 weeks so I guess I've kind of been programmed at this point to kind of think that way.

Okay, I'll end my novel now, it's late and I have to go to bed so I'll be ready for my big "last day"!!

See ya'll!

Hi Dawg,
Thanks for posting your meal plan. I feel like it's similar to what I'm doing now (maybe a little more food), but honestly, compare that to what I ate today:
Breakfast: big apple, stawberries, nonfat latte (would have had luna bar, too, but didn't have time)
Snack: handful craisins
Lunch: Turkey wrap: lowcarb tortilla with lettuce, tomato, 1/4 avocado, FF ranch and 1/4lb turkey
Snack: 1Tbsp PB, 1 rice cake, 1 apple
Dinner: Veggie stir fry (broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms) with brown rice
Dessert: Big frozen yogurt, 1 Godiva dark chocolate truffle
And I didn't exercise a smidgen. My gym has actually been closed the past two days (hate it), so I've been forced to just sit with my anxious not-exercising feelings...I guess that's a good thing.

Do you really think you should be running? If you are only supposed to walking at the MOST, then I honestly don't think you should be running at all right now b/c it would be easy for you to slip back into your ED overdoing it mentality. You know? But I guess if you feel strong enough not to let that happen, then that's your decision.

At your outpatient clinic does everyone sit around a big table to eat? Don't you feel like all the other girls (and guys) are watching you as you eat? That would make me very uncomfortable. It seems almost competetive or something.

I'm just scared at how easily I am following my meal plan. Isn't it supposed to be hard!? I almost feel like if it is this easy for me, I must be doing something wrong and I'm going to eat out of control! Like that Godiva truffle I just ate - Yeah, I know it's not a lot and it's not a big deal, BUT it's 11pm at night and I just casually popped it as if it was my vitamin. Usually I would have deliberated over it forever and savored it!

Anyway, I hope you are feeling ready to leave outpatient (stupid Health Insurance) b/c I want so much for you to get 100% healthy. Don't think that just b/c you have been going for X amount of time you are all healed. EDs take a lonnnnnnng time to overcome...and even when you finally DO reach your goal weight (which you are a long ways away from), you will still have tons of work to do. Are you going to keep seeing a therapist at least? I think that is imperative. You can't just quit all kinds of therapy cold turkey.

Joni, you're doing awesome, girl. What is your big/fun/no calorie counting meal going to be this week? Actually, hopefully you've made that MORE than just one meal a week now!

I'm going to keep hanging in there. You two do the same. Talk to you soon!!!
LS

hey girls, thanks so much for your kind words. i love when you guys reassure me that it really IS all gonna work out and i'm not some freak who will never be able to eat "normally" and exercise "normally" without losing weight. i know it's true, but sometimes i just wonder how/when it's gonna happen!!

ls, how was the appointment? i hope she SERIOUSLY upped the amount of food you're supposed to be eating. OF COURSE you aren't having problems sticking to your meal plan -- it's practically nothing! she's making you eat probably the equivalent of like 200 calories more (tops) than you were before, so don't feel surprised at all that you aren't anxious about it (cuz there's nothing to be anxious about!) anyway, AGAIN your diet for today looked like the diet of someone trying to lose weight. i KNOW you don't believe this, but just trust me that it's true. you NEED more food, and if she isn't gonna make you eat it, then PLEASE get a new nutritionist, k?

dawg, it's interesting what you said about the issues underlying our eds, and i think that we all SHOULD talk more about it. i don't really know with mine, but i'll tell you a couple of things i do know. one, i always felt "big" growing up. i was always a head taller than the other kids and i was pretty chubby up until about 7th grade when i thinned out. but i never felt thin (even though i know now that 140 lbs at 6' is pretty darn "healthy" thin). i always felt just average, i guess; like i'd look better if i could just have the motivation to exercise, eat better and lose like 5 pounds. BUT, i was a VERY happy girl and chocolate cake ALWAYS won out over aerobics class, you know? i ate a lot, i ate whatever, and i was really happy and my happiness was NOT affected by my weight, except for the random "fat day," lol, but nothing serious (i'm talking high school through college now). i honestly don't know WHY my ed started when it did. i still always had the quest to drop that 5 pounds, and finally, something clicked. it was during one of the happiest times of my life -- great friends, great acting stuff going on, just started dating Eric -- and i decided that to increase the happiness, i was gonna start eating better/healthier and exercising 3 times a week. it started totally healthy and within a month, it was disordered. i still don't really get it. i went from ready to "be healthy" to obsessively counting fat grams, obsessively exercising, and anxiety-ridden about every little thing within weeks!

so that's that part and, like i said, i still don't really get it totally. the other thing that my therapist has said is that i do have a form of obsessive compulsive disorder. (i don't know if all girls with eds have this or if it's just some cases) anyway, she said that my OCD tendencies were already there inside me and they came out full-fledged "disordered" through ed. does that make sense? basically, i think it means that once it was "triggered," the disorder part kicked in, you know? i've always thought i had obsessive-compulsive tendencies, but it never seriously disrupted my life (until the ed, that is), so i never worried about it, you know? anyway, i think that's why ed caught on the way it did for me. maybe, i guess, i really don't know.

okay one more thing and i'm done (i promise). i have a wicked stepmother. i really do and we've indentified her and my relationship with her as precursers to the "perfectionism" that i so dutifully "perform" with daily. she was VERY mean to me and my younger brother when we were little. i don't want to list stories (cuz i get carried away and then i get pissed off that someone could treat two little kids like that), but basically she was bit**y, controlling, irrational, cruel, strict, etc. through therapy, we've kind of "figured out" that i developed the habits of being "perfect" to not to get into trouble. in other words, if i never "messed up," i could never get yelled at. if i was perfect at everything, then she could never put me down about anything, you know? so i began to try to appear perfect -- perfect cleanliness, perfect grades, perfect, perfect, perfect. anyway, i'm sure you can see the connection between "being perfect" and Ed, so i think that affected me greatly. the other thing is that the woman has food issues (she'll never admit it, but she does) and she had all these weirdo food "rules" when my brother and i were growing up. like having to use 1/2 a packet of plain oatmeal with the flavored packet so the plain one wouldn't go to waste. not using too much milk in cereal cuz it was wasteful. cleaning our plates fully. NEVER taking ANY food without asking first (which we often got a "no" to anyway). honestly, i was so TERRIFIED that she knew exactly how many oreos were left in the package that i never would of even dreamed of sneaking one. i know it doesn't seem like much, but she was really a food ****. if we broke ANY of those rules (or any of the MANY others), we'd get screamed at, you know?

so (in conclusion!!) i think somehow all of this trying to be perfect, trying not to "rock the boat," having a lot of this relate to food, never feeling good enough (cuz i felt like i never was in her eyes), always feeling "large" (by the way, she's about 5'4" and skinny, not naturally tall like me and my mom) and the OCD tendencies all somehow "joined forces" and produced this lovely form of anorexia i'm fighting now. obviously, i don't have it all sorted out (and sorry its SO long, but it felt good to think through it again), but i think it's all pertinent. also, don't think i had this terrible childhood; like i said, i was really happy and had a great time! i just had the evil witch to deal with. but i have a GREAT mom, who always told me how "beautiful" i was (my grandma did too. our family is big on being "ladylike" and "beautiful," lol, but in a "no pressure" sort of way ... basically, we're beautiful just because we exist!) anyway, i really did believe that i was "beautiful" all through childhood (and still do) honestly, and i TOTALLY credit that to my mom and grandma. anyway, i think i'm officially RAMBLING now, so i'll stop. i want to hear your guy's stories too! cheerio!!

Hi Girls!
Joni - that is so interesting! You sort of have a cinderella story going on there...haha. It's great that you can look back on it and see how wrong your stepmother was and realize that you ARE perfect just the way you are. The key to getting healthy, I think, is not changing the past, but simply accepting that what happened happened and getting over it.

My eating disorder started my sophomore year of HIGH SCHOOL. My parents have always had a bad relationship, but that year my mom went back to school and met someone else. My dad found out she was having an affair and all of the sudden my life was turned upside down. My mom moved out and continued her affair, she basically abandoned us, and, long story short, she lied to me, hurt me, and berated me for 4 years, and then my parents decided to "work things out" and she came back (this was my freshman year of college). Four years gone and then she just waltzes back into the house!? Needless to say I had a LOT of resentment. My eating disorder started when she left (and all the BS was going on) and I started to go to therapy my Jr. year and was better by the end of my senior year of high school.
So right now I guess you would say I'm in a relapse. I was fine my entire freshman and sophomore and half of my junior year of college, but at the end of my junior year, I started freaking out about life and I think that's when it all came back. A part of me thinks I'm trying to avoid the REAL responsibilities and uncertainties of life by wallowing in my ED...but I don't know. My mom has a lot of self-esteem issues (a LOT) and I think she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is extremely unpredictable (an angel one minute and flying off the handle the next), so this is VERY hard to deal with.
Basically, there are a lot of things that I think contribute to my ED and it's difficult to pinpoint just one cause. Apparently my recovery in HS was not complete, though, because here I am in round 2. This time it seems a lot different though - different causes, different habits, etc...

So that's my story (or at least part of it). I could go on for hours! Haha.

My appointment with my nutritionist yesterday went well. She said I'm doing VERY well following the plan and we left it the way it is b/c I do feel somewhat challenged with it. I'm sure she'll add something or other on wednesday when I see her again.

I've been feeling REALLY sick though the past few days and I'm not sure why. Maybe if I were all of the sudden eating 3500 calories or something it would make sense, but I'm not even eating THAT much more. By late afternoon, though, I feel EXTREMELY tired, nauseated, and just sick to my stomach. And I've also been having some stomach issues (if you know what I mean)...and I do not mean constipation.

I'm doing a really good job at increasing my breakfast and I'm really proud of that. Today I had a luna bar, a banana, and a latte. As a snack I had 5 almonds and for lunch I had a big apple with 1/3lb turkey, 2 white cheddar rice cakes and 1/2 cup cottage cheese. I went for a walk this morning, but I didn't do any exercise yesterday (and I'm really feeling like I need to run or something!)

Hey - quick question - how bad is Chinese food for you? I don't like the deep fried stuff like orange chicken, but what about black bean chicken or kung pao or any of those other ones - are they absolutely horrible for you? I know I shouldn't care, but I just don't want to be completely blind to eating 1000 calories in one sitting, you know?

What are some of your guys' favorite foods/dishes to eat right now? Just curious. I thought it would be fun to share some ideas! One of my favorite things is Grilled wild alaskan salmon (I use the foreman) with grainy mustard and brown sugar. Just smother it with grainy mustard and then brown sugar and grill it for about 6 minutes or so. The brown sugar kind of caramelizes and the combo with the mustard is superb! Yummy!!!

Hi I am new here. I am battleing Anorexia. I have almost lost my life twice! Then been in a Mental Hospital for it! I have 3 boys they need there mom. If anyone would like to chat just e-mail please. Lisa



Please read the posting rules which explain that offering or asking off board contact is not permitted. The boards are to be used for on board sharing, only. The email and private message features are turned off so that use of the message boards remain anonymous. The only contact you may make with members is to post on the board.

lisa, we can't email but we're all definitely here to hear what you've got to say and offer support and advice, so please, feel free to post more about your struggles.


ls, man, you DID go through a lot in high school. and it totally makes sense that it's all coming back again in a "stressful time of life." the transitions, living at home again, the fear of growing up and "the future" -- this is a REALLY hard time for people our age. i know (at least from just talking to friends, etc.) that everybody struggles at this time, but this ed crap really sucks, you know? it's like, "Don't i already have ENOUGH to deal with?!?" by the way (and OF COURSE it would be this way, lol), my ed started at the end of my junior year of college too. i know at that time i had a bunch of friends who were seniors and graduating and i guess seeing them plan what they were going to do made me start worrying about it too. i know at least that i was THINKING about the future a lot -- especially about whether i wanted to try to "make it" acting or not. it's a really tough choice, you know? it's so risky, unpredictable and luck-driven! well, i decided i WOULD try to do it and look where i am now ... headshots and resumes all ready to go, but not auditioning because i'm trying to beat this stinkin' ED. i'm not really hostile or disappointed surprisingly. i think that i am SO eager to stop having an ED that i'm willing to give up some stuff along the way, you know?

anyway, the nutritionist situation still worries me a little, but i'll back off for a week (unless i forget that i posted that, lol!) i just remembered that when i started therapy the meal plan i had was only like 1300 calories to start. there ARE so major differences though and THAT'S why your nutritionist worries me. because of the binging, i was like 132 pounds then, not scarily underweight and undernourished like you are now. i know i've said it a million times, but your heart is SERIOUSLY at risk at this weight with this diet and exercise! and the biggest issue is that i don't think my therapist would have allowed me to eat that little EXCEPT that i had that binging thing. until we got that under control, i really couldn't increase my intake drastically cuz i'd just freak out and binge, you know? (and that'd basically throw everything to sh**)

anyway, THAT'S what worries me about your meal plan. so what if you're feeling "somewhat" challenged, that isn't enough, ls. you think i felt "somewhat challenged" when she took me from 1700 calories a day to 2300??? no! i felt downright f***ing terrified. i almost CRIED for goodness sakes and every single day after that was horribly scary. and then when i'd go in assuming she'd probably want to increase me like 200 calories and then she'd tell me we'd really have to up it 500??? THAT'S the kind of challenged that you are going to need to learn to deal with. not, "oh i need to eat 1/2 serving more carbs," you know? anxiety is what Ed gives us when we challenge him and if we aren't feeling it, then we aren't challenging him. anyway, that's all about that.

chinese? don't know honestly. i'm not really a fan of it (except egg rolls, mmm) and get the headaches/bloating/swelling from MSG so i generally steer clear. if it ain't deep fried though, i don't think it's unhealthy AT ALL. it's just meat, veggies, sauce and rice, right??? actually, it sounds pretty balanced and healthy! (except for those da** egg rolls, sigh ...)

my fav foods lately? actually, ANYTHING that combines basil, tomato, and mozzarella ... i've always liked that combo but lately, i can't get enough of it!!!! i made this homemade foccacia bread (really good, but kind of a lot of work, so i'll probably never do it again, lol) and i keep making that sandwich over and over again cuz it's SO good! otherwise, i've been pretty lazy cooking-wise lately (lots of corn dogs, hot pockets, cheeseburgers, pizza and soup lately ... and now that i've said that, it makes me want to get cookin' again!). i'm definitely a meat and potatoes type of girl. i grew up on meat/potato/veggie dinners and casseroles basically, so that's what i really like deep down -- plain, not fancy; good, not great food. i just made this really good thing that was like cream of mushroom soup, worchestershire, mushrooms and ground turkey and a couple other ingredients and we ate it over toast! i know it sounds nasty (it WAS slop-like), but it was delish! anyway, i really like trying new foods (unless they're too spicy!), but i always fall back on my good ole' tuna casserole. ya'll should recommend some "food types" for me to get brave and go out for now that i have the mandatory "out to dinner!"

I don't mean to butt in but I've been reading this thread and all the talk about meal plans and everything made me think about what I usually eat. I've been feeling really anxious about what I've been eating. I haven't been eating as healthy as what I was and I thought maybe all of you could tell me if a normal day for me is ok. I don't see a nutritionist or anything and don't have a meal plan. I'm a healthy weight now for my height but didn't used to be. I'm 5'1" and 107-108lbs. So here was my day today:

Breakfast: Oatmeal (1 packet) w/ 1% milk, 1/2 cup ff vanilla yogurt w/granola (don't usually have the yogurt too but I was still hungry this morning after the oatmeal) also 2 cups coffee
Snack: well not really a snack, but 2 tootsie rolls
Lunch: light multigrain english muffin w/ pizza sauce, 6 turkey pepperoni and 1/4 cup low-fat cheese, handful of sun chips, 98% ff no sugar added ice cream sandwich
Snack: Apple
Supper: Ham sandwich on whole grain white bread w/ light mayo, 1/2 baked potato w/ light butter and light sour cream.
Dessert: Frozen yogurt w/ milky way sundae topping (mmm yummy!)

I might have a TV snack later. Usually it's another piece of fruit. I know I eat ALOT of light and ff stuff. But this is alot better than what I used to eat. I've gained like 15 pounds in a little over a year and my weight is pretty much stable now. I was eating more calories though while gaining weight. I went up to like 2500 cals a day for awhile. Now i know it's usually between 1500-2000. I guess what I want to know is how my eating is overall? I would appreciate some feedback.

Hi I am new here. I am battleing Anorexia. I have almost lost my life twice! Then been in a Mental Hospital for it! I have 3 boys they need there mom. If anyone would like to chat just e-mail please. Lisa



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Piscean,
The first thing I noticed was YES - you eat a lot of fat free and lowfat things. Howcome? Are you still afraid to eat the normal stuff? In order to fully recover you need to get to a comfortable place with all food. My therapist told me that they did a study and those who did not reach their FULL weight and get completely comfortable initially at that place were more likely to relapse. So the goal is to get to a full, healthy weight, and THEN see what happens...not reach a "safe" low weight, you know? I'm glad you've gained weight, but I wish you weren't eating so much "diet" food still. Not only that, it does not seem like a lot of food. I can't imagine it equaling 2000 calories? Do you exercise? To me, it just seems extremely light, but that's just my first impression.
All that being said, it is great that you have managed to progress in your recovery and I'm very proud of you. Just don't feel anxious about what you are eating because there is honestly NOTHING for you to feel anxious about! Maybe if you were eating IN N OUT cheeseburgers and fries for lunch and meat lovers pizza for dinner every single day you should feel anxious, but not about oatmeal, multigrain english muffins, and baked potatoes!!! In fact, you did not eat ONE "bad" thing all day!

I hope you don't think I'm being a hypocrit, but we are in very different places in our recovery right now and I'm really trying hard to get to a healthier place.

Tonight I went to happy hour with some friends and so dinner became a HUGE issue - do I eat before? After? There? What will everyone else do? Should I eat a lot of I'm drinking? Etc etc.
Well, long story short, I ate a shrimp skewer appetizer (4-5 shrimp) and several chips and salsa. I also had 2 glasses of wine. I felt pretty satisfied, but my friend Meredith mentioned something to me about that not being enough food (bless her heart) and so I really took that to heart. When I got home I ate a medium frozen yogurt (a lot!) and 3 fun size snickers...now I feel disgusting! I feel like all that dairy and chocolate is just sitting in my belly and now I'm bloated, sugared out, and I my gym has been closed so I haven't even been able to workout the past few days.
I also snacked a lot more than usual today and that makes me feel gross, too. I have definitely been eating a lot more lately and I'm nervous that I'm going to gain weight really really fast - it's all I can think about. I really want to compensate tomorrow, but I KNOW that I shouldn't. Any advice on how to feel ok about everything? I'm getting so sick of this anxiety.........

piscean, hey girl! i wanted to let you know that i think you could maybe use a little help with the foods/quantities you're eating. first of all though, i want to tell you that i think you've done an AMAZING job with recovery so far. i know you've done it all on your own and i really respect how far you've come. when i first started coming on these boards, you were the one that was SO inspiring to me, did you know that? it was right when you started to work on not counting calories and all i could think was, "i want to be like that girl!" honestly, your progress and struggles and steps forward around that time (early last summer) were a HUGE motivator for me to commit to recovery and enter therapy. so anyway, i just thought you should know that and i want you to know that i REALLY admire your progress. :)

but now, i think you might need a little bit of help (professional, i mean). you've done SO well, but you haven't been able to completely, 100% shake the ed-habits, you know? and unfortunately, until you can do that, you'll never have the complete freedom that Ed restricts you from. you'll never be able to NOT worry about all of this stuff until the disorder is gone, you know? and i think you've come VERY close on your own, but i think you might need a little professional help to overcome those last few obstacles. i'd really recommend meeting with a nutritionist. you might have to only go in a couple of times total, but i think it's necessary at this point. you aren't providing your body with enough fat OR calories (because of your 100% "light" choices and because you just aren't eating much in general) and that's dangerous. i'm assuming you're afraid of full fat, full sugar foods, and i REALLY think you need help to get over that. plus, you just need a little guidance to make sure you're eating enough overall, you know? if you can't make these steps, then there's a GOOD chance (very good actually) that Ed will come rearing his ugly head again, you know? and you've come so far already, i'd hate to see you stagnate at this point (when you're so close!) and then end up falling back into it. so please at least just consider the nutritionist thing and let me know what you think. anyway, good to hear from you and thanks for the motivation you gave me a year ago!

Thanks for the replies! :)

Joni, I didn't know I had such a positive impact. That makes me feel really good knowing I was such an inspiration to you. Thank you for the kind words :). I know I need some additional help to get me through these last obstacles of my ED that just have such a tight grip on me. You're right, I'm petrified still of full-fat, full-sugar, "regular" foods. The only time I eat them is when I eat out at resturants. When I go grocery shopping I take a look in my cart and EVERYTHING I buy for me is low-fat, fat free, low-sugar..... the only "regular" things in there I buy for my daughter and fiance, not me. I'm still scared of gaining weight. My weight has stabilized finally and I would like to keep it where it's at. And I know if I start eating more fat and calories I will gain more. One big step forward for me though, is now I ALWAYS honor my hunger and I will eat when I'm hungry and until I'm full. I used to try to ignore hunger and eat only the amounts I thought I should eat and it didn't matter if I was full or not. I'm past that now and that feels good. It's a big step for me. But the biggest and hardest step for me will be the transition from eating everything low-fat to eating regular full-fat foods too. I guess I have been taking small steps towards this though. When I go through McDonald's now and get a chicken sandwich or get a sub from Subway I've been getting "regular" mayo on them. I love mayo but never used to get it because it's higher in fat. I usually only get yellow mustard and lettuce on my sandwiches. I mean I know this is a very small step but it's progress right? Anyway, thanks again for the replies. Looking into seeing a nutritionist may very well be beneficial for me. I was seeing a counseler for awhile about a year ago. I only seen her maybe several times and she wasn't a specialist in ED's or anything so I didn't feel like she was helping me at all and stopped seeing her. I have done alot of this on my own....and only on my own without very much support from family or friends. My mom knows about my ED, but she also has one herself. She eats very little and only fat free and low fat foods, she's very thin considering her age. So really she can't help me much. And I never really came out and told my fiance I had an ED. I feel really bad for not telling him but I was just afraid he wouldn't understand, in fact I know he wouldn't have. So all of this has been like a big secret from him. He knew I had major issues with food there for awhile and he knows I still kind of do, but he didn't know it was an actual ED. He just thought I got a little carried away with dieting and thats all. It's been really hard for me. I've also been under a tremendous amount of stress lately going to school and working full-time. I actually called-in to work today because I'm feeling a little under the weather (which I'm sure is due to stress) and also because I have a big test tomorrow I haven't had much time to study for. So my stress levels are not helping my progress. Anyway, I am seeing my doctor this afternoon and I plan on spilling everything to him. Usually i never say anything about my ED but I plan on doing so this time. Maybe he can recommend a nutritionist. Thanks again for the replies! :)

Piscean,
Getting mayo on your sandwiches b/c you like it is a huge step! I'm so proud of you! It's hard to start taking note of the things you ACTUALLY like post-ED b/c a lot of it is stuff you restricted so much before. I have found that there are actually things that I love that I have just convinced myself I hated for so long, ya know? Like mozzarella cheese....I'm not a huge cheese, fan, but I really like mozzarella. But I've been saying I hate it for so long that I thought I did. But I don't! Haha.

It worries me a little bit that your fiance doesn't know about your ED b/c I think you need all the support you can get. Maybe you should tell him. And I know that your mom is probably a huge influence on you and it's terrible that she is struggling with food herself. But you have to differentiate yourself from her and realize that you are in charge of your OWN health and you have to take charge of your own ED. No offense to your mother, but you don't want to end up obsessed with food and extremely thin at her age - it won't make you any happier.

Keep trying to make yourself get full fat versions of things (and PLEASE, do not get that sugar free junk - it is not better for you at all and sometimes even has more fat or calories. It's just chemicals!) Try switching little things where the difference between the lowfat and the full fat versions aren't that great. Like Kraft singles, for example. A regular one has, what, 50 calories? And the LF or FF ones have 40 or 35 calories and a little less fat. That isn't a huge difference, but the real ones taste SOOOO much better, so get them!

Anyway, I really hope you keep up the good work. Keep us filled in!
LS

glad we could help, hon. it makes me REALLY happy to hear that you're so open to the idea of a nutritionist -- i really think that's all you need now to get TOTALLY better! just remember that you have come SO far and we all really respect you for that. and that regular mayo is not a minor thing at all ... it's awesome! soon, with your nutritionist, you'll take more and more little steps like that and before you know it, you'll be eating ALL regular foods and you won't gain ANY weight from it. good luck at the doctor and with the exam (i'm sure you'll do great!)