Hi,

I've been having a really hard time with find the meanings to things for the past few years and because of that have just been overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness. I'm the kind of person who needs to have a "deeper meaning" in life, but this quest for higher meaning seems to be nearly impossible. I'm an agnostic and so dont have a religion and no hope really of an afterlife. I can't take the possibility that this really might be all there is. I get caught up with this and nothing seems enjoyable anymore. I try to keep myself busy or talk with friends, but I can never get this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness to go away. I am a very sociable person but also have a hard time opening up to people and hardly ever get close to anyone. This leads to an extreme feeling of loneliness and causes me to just feel completely empty. I just feel alone in a world of no meaning, and it just becomes extremely hard to see the point in doing anything. Even the future seems so pointless... maybe get married if I'm lucky and have a few kids and then die... I also have ocd and anxiety problems which probably just kind of adds to everything else. Ive also been drinking a lot during the weekends or just really whenever I can because it seems like the one time I can get away from my own mind and all these thoughts. I know I need to be careful with that and have tried to make sure it doesn't interfere with classes and stuff. The one friend I talk to about all this really wants me to get help, but I am terrified of talking about this and having other people know the "real" me. I guess what my question is, if anyone else has experienced anything similar at all, is if there is even hope since there really is no answer to my problems since no one knows why we are really here. I really am not big on taking medicine and am really scared of the effects... gaining weight, losing my personality, being boring and tired all the time. I don't know... I just really don't know what to do anymore. I'm only 20, and I'm just not sure I can take so many more years of pointlessness. If anyone has any thoughts or advice at all I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Yes there is hope. I understand all those feelings you are having .Its like when you think of the future it seems like a black void where happiness cant be seen. Depression is like a black film over everything and doesnt let you see the the reasons for being alive every day. You have the power to set yourself free from this dismal existance. The higher spirit is in you.Something to believe in. Do not fear releasing the pain you feel by telling some one one how you feel.Your friend is a true friend for urging you to get help .The real you will reveal itself when you begin to feel better .The real you is not the one that hides your feelings from others ,That is only a mask you wear. We all have worn it and it is so heavy .I found it was easier to write all this stuff down .the things i was doing , feeling and thinking .I gave it to my doctor.It helped me keep my self together. He said it was a good idea and that it helped him to see past the mask. He began right there to help me. He told me it was not something I could handle alone and that there was a way out. You will hear many things about medication but in fact it has helped most people to get on their way up. Some receive therapy and some get both. There are side effects to medications but they usually subside in time as your body adjusts. Dont let what you believe people will think of you keep you from helping yourself . the stigmatizm of depression has changed and people are generally more knowledgable about it,but that doesnt really matter.What matters is you and how you feel. Depression is frequently caused by low seratoninen levels in the brain. Medication cant inhibit the absortion of seratonen leaving you with adequate levels to maintain positive outlook and and relieve both the physical and mental stresses you feel.
I didnt mean to go on so long but I see so much of me in you and i can tell you that i have been taking meds for about six months now and i have never felt so good for years. Dont let the nattering nabobs of negativity scare you about meds. Many here can tell you how they ve helped. If you need to, ask us about anything. we care how you are .I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing
take care :angel: Mizzy

It's hard when you're depressed to see the great joys in life. Even if this time on Earth is all there is, there is a bounty of wonderful things that can be enjoyed. Depression can cloud your judgement and make the good things in life invisible. Consider seeing a counselor or a pastor or someone who can help add some outside clarity to your thinking.