I went to the gym today and weighed myself...I should NOT have done that. After I got back from Guatemala I lost 2-3 lbs (mainly b/c I was so nervous about OVEReating that I probably UNDERate), but now that I'm back home I am eating more and put the weight back on immediately. I guess it must have been almost all water weight if it came back that quickly. I am really nervous, though b/c my gym was closed for 3 days, I didn't do much exercise, and I've been following my meal plan very closely, so it really could be that I'm gaining legitimate weight! I wish I could just pull back into my shell and retreat.

I'm going to my therapist on monday and I know she'll weigh me and part of me is scared that she'll weigh me, see that I've put on the 2lbs so quickly and not be as concerned as she was just a week ago. Why do I care if she sees that I've gained weight?

I had a GREAT day today (not necessarily in terms of food - just in terms of what I did and how I felt), and now I feel BAD about my food simply because I had fun and was carefree, but I SHOULD NOT. I think I've just learned that if I have fun I must have done something wrong with my eating...
Slept in until 10:45 - Breakfast: banana before gym
Lunch: 4 rye krisps, chicken salad with FF mayo, pecans, grapes (1-1.5cups)
Snack: Large Apple
Dinner: Edamame, few bites of salad, tuna, yellowtail and avocado sushi roll (8 pieces), miso soup, 1/2 a beer
Dessert: Regular Frozen yogurt

I feel so full, but I think I'm just overthinking the fact that I didn't exercise for a few days, have eaten frozen yogurt EVERYday for the past month, and have been eating more in general. But then again, those are all pretty significant things....

hey girl! I don't really have much to say or know what to say, so i'm basically just checking in and saying hi. one thing i'm sensing is that i think you need more STRUCTURE in your recovery plan. i think it might help. you need rules on how often and how much you can exercise, rules on what and when to eat (and you need to follow them, by the way), rules on how often you can weigh yourself, etc. cuz i feel like you feel like (lol!) you're kind of swimming by the seat of your pants with no idea what to do, how to feel, how to act, etc. am i right? (feel free to let me know if i'm totally off my rocker!") anyway, i think more structure would REALLY help you IF you can commit to following the "rules." the whole meal plan thing ain't goin' so hot, is it? what are your thoughts on that? you have consistently broken it almost every single day, haven't you? i'm surprised that with all this exercise you're doing you're able to get along on that teensy amount of food, honestly. anyway, that's my "thought of the day," i suppose. i just feel like you're sort of "floundering" and i'm kind of surprised your therapist/nutritionist aren't helping you find more direction, you know?

anyway, i hope that helps a little. i need some help/support too right now, i think. i'm having a big problem i'm gonna call LONELINESS. i don't know if i'm just feeling really down cuz i'm about to get my period, but i think this is something that's been building up lately. i'm kind of stuck and i don't really know how to "fix it."

i'll try to explain as briefly as i can: normally (minus Ed), i am a VERY social person. i'm happiest when i'm around people, i've always had tons of friends, i talk a lot (can't you tell?!?) and basically, i just love being busy, with friends, etc. So unfortunately, since my binging problems began right after i moved to chicago and the constant binging made me not want to see or hang out with ANYONE ever, i really haven't made any friends in the city. i know it sounds freakish and sort of lame, but i honestly only have one or two friends that live here cuz i'd either lose contact with people i met immediately (cuz of binging) or i'd be too afraid to do social stuff that might involve food so we'd lose touch. i still talk on the phone to my college gals (love them!) all the time, but they're in wisconsin, so it's not the same. those girls are my BEST friends, but i miss having friends that i can go out to eat with, to the movies, hang out with, shop with, rent movies with, sit around and get drunk with, etc! i'm sure you know what i mean about how lonely and frustrating this is. anyway, it's really been getting me down lately.

also, because i have to eat SO much every day, i feel like i can never go out and have fun with people (cuz then i lose potential "feeding myself" time). i know it sounds weird, but honestly, i feel like my meal plan doesn't permit me to have "free," relaxing time where i can go out and hang out with people. when i do go out, i end up stressing about how i'm gonna "get it all in" without either A) looking like a freakish pig who never stops eating or B) having to eat 800 calories when i get home at night (which obviously makes hanging out past like 8 pm nearly impossible, which OBVIOUSLY sucks socially) i honestly feel more restricted with 3500 calories than i did with like 1200 -- then, i wouldn't let myself eat much so i THOUGHT about food a lot cuz i was starving myself. now, i feel like i think about food even MORE than before, cuz if i let my guard down for a moment, all of the sudden i'm awake until 11:30 at night because i have to eat all my crap. i'm bored with ALL foods even though i eat a wide variety, cuz i just eat all the friggin' time. so as a result, i think about food even MORE to try to come up with new and interesting things that'll make me actually WANT to eat (instead of feeling like i'm just force feeding myself all the time.) i'm baking and cooking more than before (for the reason i just said), so i'm dealing with food even MORE. it's like all this food has made food itself lose its appeal, you know? chocolate cake or celery, it all appeals to me the same amount (crazy-sounding, i KNOW!)

so what do i do? i'm feeling REALLY lost right now and i just feel like something's gotta change. instead of spending my time baking, i want to spend it watching movies with friends. but where am i gonna find those friends? and how am i still gonna be able to stick to my meal plan but hang out with people freely? anyway, this is sort of where i'm at. i'm thinking of starting to audition again (even though being in a show would make me VERY busy and probably put more stress on the "get the meal plan in" situation.) but at least it'd help me meet some people. i need friends! i'm also thinking of getting involved at the church i go to (it's a very liberal catholic church and it's known as the "young people's" church in chicago. they have a lot of things geared towards 20 and 30 year olds, so i might meet some people there, you know?) do you have any other ideas or advice? i'm just feeling stuck, like i said. anyway, have a good one and let me know what you think!

Hey!
Ok - the first thing that I want to say is that you have reached a VERY important goal and you haven't even realized it. When you said "chocolate cake or celery- it's all the same" that is HUGE. Obviously, you don't mean that completely, but the fact that you are not obsessed with certain things anymore is a huge deal, ya know? Because a few months ago you would probably only allow yourself the celery and be obsessed with the chocolate cake, so when you ate it you'd eat a huge amount and then feel guilty - but now you can eat a normal amount and you are not afraid of it. That is so great!! I just had to acknowledge that.

I can completely relate to the isolation that ED creates and the lack of friends because of it. Luckily I am living back at home where I grew up and a lot of my best friends from HS and college are either here or in LA. But if I had to make new friends right now I'd probably be in the same predicament as you b/c I am so restricted socially by ED. I also consider myself a very happy, social person (of course another similarity), but since ED has come around I am reclusive, don't go out as much, get tense around meal times, etc. It's horrible! I want to be my old self again and not worry about "what if lunchtime comes around while I'm hanging out with so and so...?...I'll have to make some excuse to leave so I can go eat by myself." That is SO not normal.
Unfortunately, your situation is a little bit different than mine b/c you are worried about not eating ENOUGH. Is it really as stressful to you as it was when you were restricting? Because I feel like, if anything, people would LOVE to see you eating a ton and you would not look anything like a huge pig. Do you still feel obsessed with planning out your meals and food like when ED was in full force? Or are you at least more relaxed about it? I am honestly shocked every time I hear you talk about your meal plan and how exhausting it is to get in all those calories. I can't even imagine having to eat that much...and you are barely even gaining weight! You are still so underweight, Joni...I hope you remember that. Haven't you ever just felt so discouraged one day and wanted to eat half of what you are eating now? I am so proud of you if you haven't - that is so amazing. I am by no means saying you SHOULD feel that way, I'm just trying to incorporate a little bit of YOUR thinking into MY OWN head, you know?
Anyway, back to the friend problem - I think your idea of joining the church group is a GREAT one. I'm not quite sure you can handle the stress of auditions right now, though. I feel like there is a lot of mental stress, but also a lot of physical stress in the acting industry and I would hate for you to lose your bearings after you've come so far. Maybe you should wait? But I don't know - you know yourself better, I guess. Just make sure that you are going back for the right reasons. Because there are a LOT of ways you could meet people and it doesn't have to require you to go to auditions. What about any other "club" type of things. A book club? Something like that. I also think that you could meet a lot of neat people by doing some kind of volunteer work. Could you volunteer at a children's shelter or something like that? I don't know - I'm just trying to think of anything.
By the way, I really wish we could meet! I feel like we would get along SO well. And I'd LOVE to go to the movies, go to dinner, etc...I usually choose that over the bars! Haha. (Although there's something to be said for a marg at happy hour)....

So I think you're right about me needing more structure. Today was a big day - both of my parents came with me to my therapist. It was really good and basically what we decided was that I'm going to try this outpatient program that meets 3 days a week. I don't know how I feel about that (especially after how I ate today), but I guess it's worth a shot. THe other option my therapist mentioned was this place in St. Louis that is in-patient and there is NO way I could do that....no siree. I think that is overkill.
I know you keep insisting that I am eating too little food and you even said in your last post that you can't imagine how I am doing that much exercise on such little food, but Joni, I feel like I'm eating so much! Or at least a normal amount! And I'm not exercising like crazy either. Just 30-40 minutes a day. In fact, today I only walked 2.5 miles (and did yoga) and I ate:
Bfst: large apple, 5 lifesavers (late morning)
Lunch: turkey sandwich on wheat with cranberry sauce, lettuce, tomato, 5 potato chips
snack: tall nf latte from Starbucks, 5 almonds, 2 pretzels
Dinner: piece of salmon, steamed asparagus and green beans, salad with tomato and FF dressing, few crackers with salsa
Dessert: Frozen yogurt with strawberries, small handful of chocolate covered soynuts

That is a lot! I believe that this is a weight gain plan for me.
Anyway, I hope I gave you some useful advice. Let me know what you think. I hate how lonely ED can make us feel, but soon you will be freeeeeeeeeeee! Keep on pushin', girl.
LS

ls, thank you. i really needed that post from you. everything you said just made me feel better, even though it's just a little bit, i'm feeling more hopeful, so thank you. man, i wish we could meet too! i feel like we could really encourage each other in a "real life" way if we could actually hang out. it's frustrating that we can't, you know? anyway, i suppose it'd be an *expensive* flight anyway, lol!

i know that i have made a lot of progress and when you point it out like that, it makes me actually realize it. i DON'T obsess about certain foods as much as before, because i basically can and do eat everything i want to eat. sure, i get tired of certain foods (yes, even chocolate), but i think it's just sort of temporary since i'm eating SO much right now, you know? i still find myself planning meals and that sort of obsessiveness, but it's not as "crazy" and i do think it's sort of necessary, cuz if i don't plan in advance, no way would i actually be able to stick to the plan. so i guess i'm not as ideally "relaxed" about that part as i'd like to be, but i feel like it's more out of necessity (to make sure i get it all in) than out of disorderedness, do you know what i mean? and YES, it is exhausting! do i want to just eat like 1/2 of it or leave a couple things out on any given day? heck yeah, i want to do that like EVERY day! but for some reason, i just can't. i feel WAY too guilty about it or something (probably that "Miss Perfectionist" voice talking honestly). anyway though, it is hard and tiring, but i just stick to it no matter what. i don't know how to explain it other than that.

it was extremely comforting to hear what you said about the friend situation. honestly, i feel like a complete loser sometimes cuz i don't have ANY friends. who lives like that?!? but it's comforting to read that you think you could be in the same situation under these circumstances: it makes me feel less "loser-ish." i'm determined though. i am going to make friends! even if they aren't ultra-cool (like me, lol!), i just need SOME PEOPLE to hang out with, you know? volunteering is a perfect idea, i'm surprised at myself that i hadn't really considered that one. it'll keep me busier (but not too busy), i'll be doing "feel-good" things, AND i can meet people -- what's better than that??? and you might be right about the acting. i'm still on the fence about that one. i LOVE it and i know it makes me feel "creatively stimulated," which helps with lots of other stuff in my life, but the time constraint part is pretty tough. we'll see, i guess. i figure it'll take me awhile to get my monologues back in shape and there's only a certain number of auditions and there's no guarantee i'll get cast in anything anyway, you know? so maybe i'll just start out slowly and play it by feel. i think i'll KNOW if it's not feeling right, you know? but for the mean time, i'm focusing on volunteering and church stuff (i hope the people aren't religious-nerds, lol! i've never joined any church stuff so i have NO idea.) but at least it'll be SOMETHING that doesn't have to deal with food!

i am REALLY glad to hear about the outpatient program. i really think it'll be perfect for you. it'll provide that increased amount of structure and support without completely sucking you out of your life like an inpatient program would do, you know? how do you feel about it? i know that you think you're eating enough, but honey, just trust that you are WAY under eating. you don't eat breakfast often (fruit alone isn't breakfast), you eat a sandwich with nothing on the side and consider it lunch, you eat mini-snacks and consider them normal and you have a VERY hard time eating carbs at dinner so you're just eating lean meats and vegetables, which again is not enough.

what if i told you this is what i had for lunch today? a sandwich (w/o cheese), an apple, a serving of pretzels, a couple nuts and a glass of milk. what would you think of that? i'm assuming you'd tell me it was a very healthy, very low-fat lunch, right? do you realize that the "meal" is the equivalent of EVERYTHING you ate yesterday except dinner? and THEN if i told you that i ate no breakfast, that lunch, a piece of salmon and some veggies for dinner, and fat-free frozen yogurt for dessert? you'd tell me i wasn't eating enough, wouldn't you? you'd tell me i needed WAY more food to maintain my weight and that there was NO way i would ever gain weight eating like that, right? well that is basically what you ate yesterday. and that is why i think you need more structure and support to beat this thing. you've become so accustomed to eating teensy-tiny "diet" meals/snacks (cuz like i said, an apple isn't a meal) that you've lost touch with reality in terms of what a "meal" actually is. i hope explaining it this way makes it a little more clear. i totally understand where you're coming from in terms of feeling like you're eating enough, cuz i used to feel that way too. Ed has this nasty way of making us view our "diets" as completely normal, so anything else seems totally gluttonous, you know? that's why i think we need strong structure and support (especially in the beginning) as we learn to eat more. anyway, i hope laying it out this way helps a little. at least to me, it made it even MORE apparent that you're really starving yourself here. anyway, let me know your thoughts on the outpatient program. how does it work, when do you go, what do you do, etc. (i'm curious!) thanks again for your kind post and i'll talk to you soon!

Joni,
YAY!!! I'm so glad that what I said helped you. Just rememember - you are NOT a loser and you are definitely not alone in your "friend-less" feeling. If anything, you are lucky that you are not more isolated and weird than you are b/c most people with eating disorders completely close off to the world and have very little outside contact. Just the fact that you WANT to reach out to people is a sign of your recovery!!
The fact that you are even the slightest bit hesitant about the acting thing tells me that you are NOT ready. Imagine you go on an audition, they love you, you get the job and then you have auditions twice a day, everyday for the next several months. Would you REALLY want that? No. You sort of would just like to keep busy and go to the auditions and have fun, but not get any of the jobs. Haha. That's what it seems like. I think you should hold off. Do the church group and the volunteering, but not the acting.
How do you like your job? Are there cool people that work with you that you are friends with? By the way, I think I might be going back to school in fall '07 to get my PsyD (sort of like PhD) - what do you think!? I majored in psych and have always loved the subject, but I've always been worried that people have this idea that psychologists are weird and have their own problems, etc...which might be true, but oh well -I want to help people. Haha. I won't focus on Eating disorders or anything like that, but probably child psychology. At least that's what I'm thinking as of right now. It's about 15 months away, but it just seems like something I'd really like to do - advertising just seems fun and doable to me, but not my passion, ya know?

What you said about my eating is true, I guess. I just am going by how I FEEL and it feels like I've definitely been eating enough. It also still REALLY disgusts me that I eat soft serve frozen yogurt EVERY single night...no joke. Is that really gross? I feel so dependent on it and it really really really really bothers me. I can't even explain it. But I still keep getting it! I can't help it!
I'm sort of excited about the outpatient program, but also sort of reluctant b/c I still don't feel like I totally need it. I know that it can't hurt, but I'm afraid I will go in and it will be all 14 year old girls (no offense if you are 14 and reading this) and I will not be able to relate to them. My friends and my parents are all really happy that I am going to do it, though, so that's worth it.
I can't decide what to do about the exercise thing. I can tell I'm more obsessed with it now and I feel like I HAVE to go. For example, right now: It's 9am, I just woke up and I ate a big apple for breakfast (mistake number one, I guess - but I feel like I ate all that frozen yogurt and chocolate soynuts for dessert so I should restrict bfst) and now I am debating going to the gym. Actually, I'm not debating - I am going. But I have a terrible back ache, I'm tired, and if I listened to my body I would just not go. But I feel like I have to.

Anyway, I hope you have a WONDERFUL day in the windy city!! I'll be hittin' 70 degrees today! Haha.
LS

Hey Joni,
Just wanted to make sure you read my reply. How are you doing?

Hey hon, i did read it and was gonna write back later in the day yesterday, but our internet went down at work (woe is me! i was SO bored all afternoon!) anyway, i'm doing pretty good. i had kind of an inspiring moment last night, i think. first of all, my meal plan has been sucking the life out of me lately. for whatever reason, i've had a smaller-seeming appetite, so eating all this food has been killing me ... i've been SO full! anyway, it's kind of getting me down, but i'm trying to just stick it out, you know? it's hard to feel good when you feel so physicallys sick/full though. anyway, what happened is that last night, i was REALLY stuffed by the time i was getting ready for bed. a lot of times when i'm really full (every day actually), my legs get kind of swollen up (in addition to my full, swollen belly - it ain't pretty). does anything like this ever happen to you? i hate it, but i just try to ignore it cuz it usually goes away by morning. anyway, when i got undressed for bed last night, i was checking myself out in the mirror in my bra and underwear as i changed. i looked bigger/rounder, especially in the stomach, hips, thighs area, but surprisingly, i didn't hate it! at all! i actually LIKED how i saw myself, cuz i thought i looked more "womanly." i couldn't believe it! obviously i could have done without my sticking-out stomach, but i knew that was just from food fullness. but the bigger thighs/hips that i saw, i LIKED them!!! i was sort of in shock, i guess. it made me feel pretty hopeful. i know the feeling won't stick 100% yet (already feeling like "Ms. Fat Thighs" today), but eventually, i (we) am gonna feel like that everyday. and THAT is a positive thought! so anyway, that was my sort of breakthrough moment of the night.

otherwise, it's just same old same old. i can't wait to get into therapy on saturday, because i feel like i have a LOT to talk about in terms of loneliness, my meal plan restricting me from being social, the fact that i am BORED out of my mind not being able to be outdoors, etc. i just feel like it isn'tworking anymore. the restrictions/rules placed on me right now have just gotten to be too much and as a result, i'm miserable cuz all i can do is sit around and eat all the time. like i said before, it's different than binging/restricting, but it's making me feel just as bad as those times, which ain't good. so we'll see what happens on saturday!

how are you? like i said before, i REALLY think the outpatient program is gonna help. i think you just need that little kick in the butt (or rather, Ed needs a little kick) to get sort of "jump-started," you know? i think it'll help with many of the issues that are so tough right now -- guilt over frozen yogurt everyday, learning what a "normal, healthy" diet really is, restriction of many full-fat, full-sugar foods, etc. and once the program helps you overcome some of that stuff, i think you're gonna feel A LOT better. you'll feel more confident, healthier, happier and you'll be able to really start moving along in recovery! anyway, i'm excited for you (i sort of wish i could go to! it just seems like programs like that would make "recovery" happen so much faster, and i'm just so sick of this sh**, you know? plus, if we could go together it would be ultra fun, obviously, lol!)

anyway, enjoy your 70 degree weather (secretly i'm hating you right now) and have a good day! it isn't too bad up north here anyway ... yesterday was in the 70s (ha!) and today it's in the 60s, i think. the weekend is supposed to be colder though, sigh ... i can't wait till i move south someday! talk to you soon!

Joni,
It made me SOOOO happy to read your post!! It is amazing to feel accepting and loving of your body as it changes. I've experienced that before (unfortunately, not recently) and like you said - it's just so much more womanly to be rounder and softer - the angular look of the jaw bone, the ribs, the skinny thighs, the hip bones - those are not SEXY and not attractive AT ALL. I think I read somewhere a while back that men are actually attracted to what was determined as healthy and fertile in the early days. Women who were rounder, healthier, as opposed to wasting away were optimal mates. So it's rooted in guys' minds to like curves!! Haha. I've said this before and I'll say it again - I truly don't think that super thin is attractive, per se, but I still am drawn to it. It's so bizarre. Like when I go to the gym and I look at other women, I ALWAYS think the more voluptuous or toned ones look so much better than the super thin or really muscular ones -it's just more appealing! Yet I fail to gain weight.
I am just so happy that you are coming out of your body dysmorphia and seeing yourself in the true light! You are not fat - not even normal weight! - and you are finally realizing that. Isn't it weird how foggy your mind was before in comparison to now?

OK- tomorrow I am meeting with the lady at the outpatient clinic. I am sort of feeling like I don't even need to be going, but I always get that way and I know that I just need to do it. I told my best friends and each one of them almost started crying b/c they were so happy. That's reason enough for me to go.

I'm having kind of a dilemma right now with life, though, and I think it might help to get an outsider's perspective. Do you think you could give me some advice?
Alright- so I was born and raised in San Diego. Then I went to LA for college and lived there for 4 years and loved/hated it. Sometimes I absolutely loved that there was a lot to do, the weather, etc... and then other times I hated it b/c of the pretense, the feeling of inadequacy, the huge "scene", etc.. (and not to mention the traffic), but all in all I liked being there for school. So now, back from Australia, I am living at home (San Diego). Not only am I in my hometown, I am in my actual house (which needs to change). As I've told you, my parents are really up and down with their relationship and that really takes a toll on me, so I know that no matter what I need to get out of the house. The question is, do I just move out and get a place in San Diego? Or do I move back up to LA? I have friends in BOTH places (although closer ones in SD) and I could see myself living in either place, but I just can't decide what is best! I don't want to get to LA and realize "oh yeah, this is why I hated it" and I don't want to stay in SD and think "jee, I should have moved further away for a while."

The whole job/something to do thing is a big part of it, too. I know I need to do this clinic (M,W TH), but at the same time, I can't just sit around the rest of the time. So do I move out, do the clinic here, and do volunteer/part time until I'm finished. Or do I move to LA, do a clinic there, and do the same thing? Or do I get a full time job here and not do the clinic? I am sort of thinking of going back to school in fall '07 and getting my PSY D...have you heard of that? Doctor of psychology. Seems like it would be great to do! Do you think that's a good plan? I don't want to be one of those weirdos who studies psyc b/c she has problems herself - haha - but itruly am interested in it! And I wouldn't do eating disorders so it's not THAT weird.

Anyway, sorry this was so long...im just SO confused. Let me know what you think....how do you like advertising, by the way? B/c as you know I thought about getting into that, too...

Hope you're having an AWESOME day. I'm so bored!!!!!!!!!!!
LS

lol, i am BORED too. ugh, work is SO boring sometimes! how do i like advertising??? well ... right now ... i hate it, it's boring. no, i'm joking. i love advertising, but i don't think it's what is right for me career-wise (not to say it's not right for a lot of other people though). i'm starting to think that i wish i'd gotten a teaching degree or something. i cannot stand sitting at a desk all day staring at a computer. ahhhhh! i'm going insane! no, joking again. but it IS boring. i think you can tell (by the length of my average posts) how much i LOVE to talk, and this whole computer thing doesn't cut it for my personality. i need a job where i'm around people more, you know? i'm actually thinking of looking for a job soon, but i dont' know what to look for really (plus i'm lazy and "comfortable" in this job, which makes it hard to find the motivation to really look, lol). i know i don't want anymore of this desk crap, but i don't know what i do want (and especially "what i want" where they might actually hire me, you know?) anyway, we'll see! i think the psych thing is AWESOME. i don't think it's weird at all, either, you dork! i actually have been wishing lately that i'd majored in psych because i'd love to work in that field and really help people, you know? so no, i don't think it's an odd choice or anything. i think it's a really wonderful choice.

ahh, our bodies. i know what you mean about liking to look at other women whose bodies are curvier and slightly toned vs. the ones who are rock-hard, skinny muscle women. i feel the exact same way, except my body apparently doesn't apply to the rules. i LOVE girls with good curves and soft, yet toned bodies. i think the skinny ones look just that, "skinny." actually, more boring, younger, etc. women with curves honestly just look sexier, you know? but i strive to achieve that "ideal" of anorexic skinniness and HATE when my arms appear "flabby," etc. quite frustrating, isn't it? another thing i always think of is hugging my girlfriends -- hugging the ones with a little "meat on their bones" is SO comforting, you know? (in fact, my one friend whose the chubbiest is the BEST one to hug!) hugging the ones who are stick-like, on the other hand, isn't very comfortable at all. they're all boney and awkward-feeling and you kind of just want to get out of the hug as quickly as possible, you know? anyway, i don't want to be an "uncomfortable hugger!" lol! i want to be soft and comforting when i give people hugs, not boney and icky feeling, you know? anyway, weird way of thinking about weight, i know, but i like to think of becoming a "great hugger" instead of gaining weight.

so apparently i got so excited about hugging that i accidentally posted that before i was done, lol! so, here's the rest of what i was going to say. in terms of your major life decisions, i think the number one priority is that you definitely go to an outpatient program no matter what (at least for right now). san diego or LA, doesn't matter, but i really wouldn't recommend full-time jobs yet (enjoy it while you can!) from what you've said about your parents, i think the second priority IS that you move out. first of all because their relationship seems to make ED worse and second of all cuz i think living at home is just plain stressful after you haven't done it for years, you know? (heck, i think i'd go insane!!) now, the san diego vs. LA question. to me, it sounds like you don't really want to be in LA (obviously, i'm just totally reading into what you posted above). i completely understand why (from what you said), plus some of my fellow "Midwesterners" talk about living in LA, so i probably am a little biased. :) i don't think there's really any reason for you to go there, honestly. i've heard that san diego is a GREAT city and i think merely getting an apartment that isn't your house is great! it's not like you'll be coming home for lunch everyday, but you CAN if you need the support. you'll be as independent as you want to be! honestly, i wish i was closer to my parents for this recovery, cuz sometimes, i just need them, you know? (they aren't even far away, lol, like 1-1/2 hours) plus, you might need other support ($$$, etc.) that it'll be really helpful to be close for. and, i just get the feeling that's what you would be more comfortable doing. you're only 23, remember (sorry if i got the number wrong!). you have a WHOLE life ahead of you in which to move out of san diego. for now, i'd take advantage of being able to live where your closest friends and parents are. plus, it seems like you're just more comfortable there.

anyway, that's my two cents. hope it helps a little. have a good evening and i'll talk to you later!

You know me WAY too well to have never met me before - hahaha. You told me exactly what I wanted to hear and what I needed to hear. It's almost like I need justification for not wanting to move to LA. Why can't I just be OK with living in the city that I grew up in? For some reason I think that getting "experiences" and "branching out" has to happen miles away from home, but I guess it doesn't. Like you said, I can be as independent as I want to be. And if I find it too suffocating to be here, I guess I can always move to LA (or wherever) later, right?

I looked into volunteering at a psychiatric hospital down here while I'm doing the outpatient thing. I'm interviewing with the woman on monday and I'm SO excited, but also kind of nervous. I guess I don't really know what to expect from the patients - like how psychotic they actually are, you know? I also looked into working as a summer camp counselor for 1/2 days (since the outpatient program is 2-7) and that could be fun, too. I still can't help but feel like these are all unproductive dead end type of jobs, but I guess I just have to ignore what everyone else is doing and just focus on LAUREN, right?

And yes, you got it right - I'm 23. Which is young, but also a little embarassing to be living at home, do you think? Well, maybe not. I guess I'm not 35 or something. But anyway, I am going to take your advice. Number one: OUTPATIENT. Number two: MOVE OUT. And number three: something to do - volunteer, etc. whatever.

By the way, I TOTALLY know what you mean about the hugging thing. I am so much more comforted by hugging more voluptuous or meatier people. Not even necessarily fat, but just not stick thin!
Are you close with your parents? I'm sure that helps a lot with your recovery. Sometimes I feel like my parents never think I'm "that bad" and that really makes me feel bad. But I know it's just ED talking and they are probably very worried.
Anyway, now I'm just blabbing.

Oh, and about the advertising thing -I think you DEFINITELY need something where you interact with people. You know, you could very easily pursue the psych route still. You are VERY good at talking to people and so comforting. I think you'd be AWESOME at that. Or anything that involved getting to be around ppl, ya know? But advertising is a fun, young field to be in right now. I know what you mean aboutt he computer thing though - I would DIE at a desk job!!

Talk to you soon!!
LS

i don't have any ed-related to say, except that i like all the decision stuff you wrote about in your last post. i don't think those volunteering things are "dead end" at all and i'm actually jealous that you get to have the time to do that stuff. all of that experience helps A LOT when you start looking for "real" jobs, you know? take it from someone who has NO volunteering experience and wishes she did, lol!

anyway, i just want to tell you about my random, awesome night last night (totally "un" ed-related, like i said, but i just want to tell you cuz it was so fun!) so, my bf works at a company related to ticket sales (with brokers, regular people, etc.) for sporting events online. basically, he deals with a lot of sales here in chicago for the cubs, sox, bulls, whatever that hockey team is called (lol), etc. so, the policy is that if someone doesn't pick up the tickets they bought online, he and his coworkers cannot use them (which makes sense for honesty issues, you know?) anyway, last night there was a playoff game between the bulls and the miami heat. a guy had bought tickets (for $1000!!!), but called and said he wasn't gonna be able to make it and the office could use the tickets if they wanted to ... so eric and i went to the game! they were center-court, 6 rows from the floor -- SO close! it was truly awesome and i'm not even really a basketball fan! we got to park in the "VIP" lot and everything (my little 1991 car looked so out of place, lol!). i am now OFFICIALLY in love with shaq. (isn't that hilarious?!?) but seriously, he's SO strong and BIG, but he moves like this graceful stallion on the court ... i love it! anyway, it was just ultra fun, so i wanted to tell you about it (even though the bulls lost, but i don't really care about that ... i wanted the heat to win anyway cuz their players were hotter!)

so that's my fun and exciting news! have a great day!

That sounds like SO much fun - I honestly love going to huge sporting events like that (basketball or football mainly) because they are just SO fun. It's like everyone else's enthusiasm and energy is contagious and you feel like you get so much more into the game, too!!
It's amazing to see those basketball players in real life. They look so small on the TV screen, but they are actually HUGE. Shaq actually practiced at my college gym (USC) my freshman year and I saw him come out one day and he was so big! He had to duck to get under the door!...haha.
Anyway, that's so rad that you went to that. Did you get a hot dog with grilled onions and a beer? Haha. That would make it all the cooler.

I have my appointment with the outpatient clinic in about an hour and I'm really nervous. I also have THE WORST stomach ache ever and it's making me feel like I don't want to go even more. I feel like they are going to take one look at me and say "oh, so why are you here again? You're not even too thin."

Anyway, I had a great night last night, too! I went to dinner with a really old friend who was in town and he's one of those ppl that is just so stimulating and fun to talk to. I was feeling earlier on in the day like i just wanted to cancel and eat dinner safely at home, but I ended up going, having a GREAT time, getting a delicious glass of wine and an amazing dinner, and I just felt SO good about myself. The last thing I want to be is antisocial - that really bothers me, you know?

Alright, I'm going to try and take a nap before this thing. I'll let you know how it goes!
Talk to you soon.
LS

oh, i hope it goes well! be brave, i bet you'll get in there and be able to totally relax and you'll be SO glad you went. it's just the anticipation is so hard to deal with, ugh, i know! anyway, DEFINITELY let me know how it goes ... i'll even come on tonight and check in case you've posted (no pressure, lol!). i'm glad you had a really fun night last night too! (see, even though we're a gazillion miles across the country from each other, we still keep having even MORE similarities ... i think we're meant to be together, lol!) GOOD LUCK!! and just relax, it's all gonna go fine. :)

Hey!!
Ok, I'm running out the door right now, but I just wanted to tell you that I will 100% come on here tonight in a few hours and post EVERYTHING about yesterday's meeting. I left almost in tears for reasons I'll explain later.
Hope you had a great cinco de mayo!!!
LS

Hello Hello,
Happy Sunday!! I love getting a latte and sitting in Starbucks with the newspaper on Sunday mornings...haha....it's the little things in life...
So anyway, I met with the director of the outpatient program on friday. I was nervous going in and also a little excited, but that all changed once I met with her. We sat in this room and she asked me about 30 questions. Everything from my parents' history to what sorts of things I eat right now to what I want to do with my life. At one point she asked me about my drinking. I told her I probably drink 1-2 times a week (and even when I DO drink, it's only a few drinks) and she said that was one thing she wanted to work on - maybe not even drinking while I'm in the program. As if I have a drinking problem or something! It was almost comical. I mean, I did tell her my dad used to be an alcoholic and a drug addict, but STILL. I barely even drink!!

THEN, the part that bothered me the most was when she was asking me what I eat...you(Joni) and I have talked about this before, but it's not as if I only eat celery and carrots and exercise 8 hours a day, you know? So when I told her that I eat avocados, turkey, bread, peanut butter, etc...she seemed extremely surprised and it made me feel almost like I didn't even need to be there. Like she thought I wasn't bad enough to be there. Then she asked me if I exercise and I said "yes" and then she was like "ohhhh, so there's the missing piece!!" Basically, it was like she was saying "if you exercised a little bit less and just ate the same way you are eating, you'd be a normal weight." And in so many words, that is exactly what she told me. It made me so mad!! I would be horrified if I had to be this restrictive with my eating for the rest of my life in order to just be a normal weight. I mean, I admit I eat pretty normally, I think, but for her to assume I would be fine if I just exercised 10 minutes less everyday just made me feel even more nervous about what I eat.

Anyway, the program is M,W,Th and it is from 2pm-7pm. Monday and thursday include dinner and weds includes a snack. She asked me if I'd be able to handle eating a catered dinner 2x a week and not know what it was until it got there (as if I'd run and hide) and when I said "sure" she seemed surprised again. All in all, I just felt like all my fears of being "ok" were realized and she felt the same way. I am convinced that I do not need to go to this program and I am not even too thin...seriously.
I promised my friends and family that I would try it out next week, but I really feel like I would choose not to go if it were left up to me.

What do you think? Do you think she even knew she was giving me that impression? Do you think she's right that I can just eat how I am now and exercise less and I'll gain weight?

I'm seriously so confused....
Hope you're having a great day so far!
LS

LS, i cant post long, but in regards to eating the catered dinner and not know waht it was till you got there- would you be able to do that INCLUDING eating properly and normally the rest of the day? And the day after that? Or would you restrict even a little because of that uncertainty..

The problem with outpatient is that in reality, they cannot cover all your meals and snacks..so while eating one meal with them is ok for you, it's the culmination of your whole diet that is the problem. You need to follow a plan or eat 3 meals a day that you cant control, on top of snacks- that's when the problems would start. I'm sure this lady didn't mean to minimize your problem, it's probably just that your problem is not the exact kind that she is used to see coming in for help like this. While now of course you feel you aren't in need of a program, you really are and I still feel that inpatient, with everything you eat being monitored, is the best way to go even if just for a while. That being said, I would try this program but make SURE that they give you a meal plan or something to follow outside of the prog, and that you follow it to a TEE.

Girly-
I guess you are right b/c I was already thinking about how I was going to eat tomorrow before I go to the program (at 2pm) and it is more restrictive than I would eat if I didn't know I was having a catered dinner.
I still just really don't want to go tomorrow. I went out to dinner tonight and had a huge italian feast including bread with dipping sauce, pasta with seafood, and wine. I feel like such an impostor going to this clinic tomorrow! Obviously someone who eats like that doesn't need to be in a treatment clinic!! I don't know - I just can't help but feel like this is still unnecessary BUT I'm going, nonetheless. Why? Because I want to at least give it a chance AND all my friends and family are so happy that I'm going, and that is what encourages me.

If YOU had an unknown catered meal with dessert would you be able to eat a completely normal day without thinking about it? Or would it bother you, too? I think that to a certain extent it is normal to think about it, don't you? I don't know. Maybe i'm just so jaded that I don't even know what really is normal.

Hey LS,

I'm so proud of you for giving the outpatient program a try!! I know what a big step that is. I also know how you feel about not thinking you're "bad" enough to be there. The people at the clinic where I went kind of acted the same way toward me when they saw I didn't even bat an eye at having to eat every bite of food they served for both lunch and dinner, and sometimes I would even get a dessert and eat all of that too. BUT, here's the thing--the whole time I was there I just kept telling myself that I would do what I had to do in order to get through it, and that I could get back to restricting when I got home. Or, since I ate breakfast and 2 snacks at home, I would skimp on those, plus I would exercise as much as possible to try to make up for all those calories I was taking in at the clinic. Now, how many of those same thoughts have run through YOUR mind? Even the smallest amount of restricting will be detrimental to your recovery, I PROMISE you that!! You have to remember, your ed voice is constantly going to be challenging you, and one of the best ways for "ed" to do that is to tell you you're not really that bad and don't really need to be in treatment. You have to fight every one of those thoughts. I didn't fight hard enough and now I'm really struggling again. That really sucks after all the hours and hard work I put in at the treatment center. I'm not giving up, but I do think that I probably should have gone inpatient first and then gradually moved down to partial hospitalization, and eventually outpatient. It's alot harder than I ever thought it would be. I really hope that if you see that outpatient is not working very well for you, that you'll at least consider inpatient. And you need to be brutally honest with yourself about it, do not let ed cover for you.

Please let me know how you're doing.

Dawg

ls, sorry i couldn't get on until today. i am honestly in some sort of shock as to what to say. i'm lost, don't really have any good advice, and am seriously just wishing i could move you to chicago and bring you to my therapist. i don't know what the he** is wrong with all these therapists and nutritionists. unless you aren't giving them the full story, i don't understand how they cannot see the OBVIOUS problem. i've got a little advice though, so here it goes:

first of all, in talking to the women, did you show her your food journal? like, the actual record of what you DO eat everyday? cuz if you didn't, i'm SURE she didn't get the right impression. yeah, you eat bread -- like one slice a week, seriously. and yeah, peanut butter, you haven't mentioned that one for months, honey. so saying you WILL eat those things is a LOT different than her seeing what you actually DO eat day to day. (which, as we've discussed, is a totally light, fruit-based, fat-free, carb-free diet with a light, yet somewhat normal dinner and fat-free dessert) so that's my first fear, i guess.

in terms of the program, you need to listen to your heart here, i think. "I would be horrified if I had to be this restrictive with my eating for the rest of my life in order to just be a normal weight." you said it, not me. if this program isn't gonna CHANGE the way you eat, then it ain't really worth your time honestly. if this program isn't going to FORCE you to eat normally and eat ENOUGH, then why go??? in that quote, you've FINALLY acknowledged that you DO NOT eat normally. that you DO restrict daily. that you do not want to eat this light diet and that you realize (deep down) that this is a "diet," not a weight-gaining or weight-maintaining meal plan. please don't try to back out on this one know, kid, i've gotcha! :)

anyway, i don't really see this helping you unless you have a VERY strict meal plan that lays out every single thing you eat for the rest of the day when you aren't at the clinic. would you be willing to get something like that from your nutritionist and actually FOLLOW it? if not, then i hate to say it, but i don't see how you'll ever get better and learn to eat HEALTHILY without inpatient treatment. i hate saying that, but lauren, you CANNOT even eat 2000 calories a day! you just can't do it, you can't follow meal plans, and i don't know how else you'll get better.

so i guess those are my thoughts. please try to eat what you know you should today before the program starts, although i fear the restricting has already started. i'm worried about you, hon! let me know how it goes and i REALLY hope this can help you! i just want you to be happy (and move to chicago and live in my building and we can go to the same therapist. j/k!)

Hahahaha...I started laughing out loud when I read the last line of your post. I would seriously do that (what else do I have going on!?!?)..haha.

But anyway, I WENT to the intensive outpatient program (IOP)! Yesterday was my first day, and although I have very mixed feelings about it, I am feeling very happy/proud/and excited today, so that's a good sign! It's Monday, Wednesday, Thursday form 2pm to 7pm and on Mondays and Thursdays you have dinner there. Last night it was this veggie wrap and fruit salad that was not scary in the slightest. I almost felt like I would eat more on my own at home! Yeah, it had cheese in it and some dressing, but I literally scarfed it down (I was starving) and almost felt like "what the he** am I doing here if I can just eat this no problem and these other girls are leaving one of the three wraps on their plates?" There is this one girl in there that is SO thin and looks 10000 times worse than I do. I really feel like I shouldn't be there when I compare myself to her and I kind of feel like a poser. The other thing is, almost everyone else except for me has bulimia or bulimia/anorexia. There are 7 ppl total.
The dietician eats with us and she eats the exact same thing, so that's really great. Then we have Nutrition Education right afterwards which is also great b/c it keeps your mind off of the food. She's sort of trying to make us see food as just fuel - an interesting approach.
So get this - I stayed afterwards to have an initial assessment with the dietician and I told her the "meal plan" I am trying to adhere to right now and she was SHOCKED. "3 grains per meal, right?" she said "No," I said "per day." She said that because of my height, weight, etc, she would not have me anywhere even close to below 2000 or higher. I guess I was sort of shocked at how much she was saying I should be eating! She gave me a revised meal plan and BOY is it a lot of food (compared to what I have been being told to eat recently). I have been pretty good about following it today, but definitely not doing a perfect job. It's going to take a little bit to get used to it and to figure out how to get all the groups in.
This morning I had 1 cup of cereal, an apple, and some grapes.
Then, at mid-morning I had a medium NF latte.
For lunch I had a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with avocado and a pickle.
And this afternoon I'm going to have a yogurt or some fruit (or both). I feel very balanced and healthy today. What do you think? I should probably be including some more fat, according to the meal plan, but that might take a little bit of getting used to. BUTTER!?!??! AAAAAAAA. The only fats I'm ok with right now are avocado and peanut butter and I want to change that.
I feel like I could keep talking about this, but I have to go. I want to tell you about everything though...I just feel like Group Therapy is going to help me a lot...I don't know though! I'm still scared but I'm also excited -it's weird!
Write back...I'[ll come on later.

Ciao!
LS

LS,
I am so excited!!! Finally you have a REAL meal plan! This one sounds like it's definitely going to be a challenge for you, and that's the way it should be at first. You can't ease into it though. If the plan calls for more fat, then go ahead and add that in. You're not going to reach a point where you're all of the sudden okay with eating it, so just do it. Does the dietitian make you eat all of the food they serve you? When I was in treatment, they sat at the table with us and made sure no one was hiding any food or anything, and after we ate, we had to show them our tray and let them see that we actually ate all the food. If you didn't eat all the food, you had to supplement with an Ensure or Boost to make up for the missed calories. We did that same thing with both meals and both snacks.

The group therapy was a huge help for me, and I'm sure it will be for you too. Basically my entire day there was groups. We had a "focus" group after the meals so that people could talk about how they felt before, during, and after eating. We had 4 other groups besides the focus groups. It was really nice to be in those groups and listen to other people talk about having pretty much the exact same issues that I was having. It's amazing how much you have in common with other people who have ed's. You'll have to let me know what you think about everything after you've spent some more time there.

As far as comparing yourself to the other girls, you're just gonna have to try not to do it. For one thing, you are not seeing yourself the way others see you. Some of the other girls may be thinner than you, but I would guess that whether they are or not, you will still think you are bigger than them. I swore that the other girls at the center were all way smaller than me, and then I found out that each one of them thought the same thing about me and everyone else around them. When I saw the other girls, I thought, "what the heck am I doing here, these girls look sickly and I don't look anything like that". Then some of the girls told me how sickly I looked to them. I could never see that about myself, but clearly other people do. And I'm sure you will never see that about yourself either, it's all just part of that whole "distorted body image" thing.

I am pretty disappointed that they didn't start you in a more rigorous program to begin your treatment. I tried and tried to talk my Dr. into letting me do IOP at the beginning, but she said no way, that it wouldn't do me any good. She actually wanted me to do inpatient to start with, but agreed to let me do partial hospitalization since I have 3 kids at home. I found out she was totally right about the IOP thing, I didn't go to that until week 4, and once I did I immediately started slipping. It's just so easy to make excuses to not completely follow your meal plan when you're left to do it without their supervision. I'm worried about that being a problem for you, that's why I said that about just going ahead and adding in the fat to begin with instead of trying to do it gradually. Hopefully you'll do much better than I did in IOP. I'll be here to offer encouragement whenever you need it.

Let me know how it's going, k?

Talk to ya soon,
Dawg

Hi Dawg,
It's so great to see you posting more now, but I'm also still very worried about you. Are you doing any better with the meal plan? I really think you should have stayed in the outpatient program b/c you are NOT ready to be dealing with this entirely on your own. I don't like the sound of this!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try to implement the techniques and skills you learned at the outpatient program and DO NOT listen to Ed! You cannot be losing weight!!!
Anyway, as for me, I understand that maybe I do not see myself as others see me, but I KNOW that I am not that thin. I don't think I'm fat, I just don't think I'm "oh my god look at her" thin. And I'm not saying I want to be there, but I just feel like that is why this outpatient program is such overkill. Tomorrow is going to be day 2 and I'm already DREADING it b/c I ate SO much today. I think that my larger meal plan has made me feel like I have a ton more leeway (sp?) and so I am going overboard!!
BFST: apple, 1 cup cereal, medium nf latte
LUNCH: turkey sandwich on wheat with avocado, lettuce, tomato, a pickle
SNACK: orange
DINNER: Pita chips, salad with oil and vinegar dressing, roasted vegetables (with a little olive oil on them), and 1/2 chicken breast stuffed with a little goat cheese and sundried tomatoes.
DESSERT: Frozen yogurt
The dinner is what's bothering me - especially since I had that big sandwich for lunch, too. I had the dinner at a friend's house and had no choice about how it was prepared. I feel like there was a lot more oil and fat than I would have preferred, but I guess I have to get used to that.

I am nervous to go back to the program tomorrow b/c I HONESTLY feel like I'm going to walk in and they are going to think "oh, here comes that normal girl who thinks she has an "eating disorder," but is really just a little bit thin and is fine." Did you ever feel that way? Especially since there is this one girl in my group that is STICK thin and talks about how she doesn't see herself that way and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. I feel like I am comparing myself to her even though I don't even want to be like her!
We ate our meal yesterday all together and I could feel her watching me and I was watching her, too. We have to eat 90% of everything, so since it was this wrap sandwich cut into thirds, we had to eat at least 2 of the 3. I ate EVERYTHING on my plate, but 2 of the girls left one wrap. It was as if they left it just b/c they could and they both were eying everyone else and seeing how much THEY ate...I hated it! I felt like a cow, too, because I ate my entire thing. SEE, who goes to outpatient on their FIRST day and eats the ENTIRE meal, has a full, balanced next day, and isn't even stuggling!?!? Something is really wrong with that picture and it scares me....

LS,
You have GOT to try to stop comparing yourself to the other girls there. I really wish I could get you to believe that everyone else with an ed thinks the exact same thing about themselves that you are thinking about yourself. The girl that you said is "stick thin" has more than likely thought she's not "skinny enough" to be in that program. In fact, she probably thinks YOU are thinner than she is. You should really try to open up about those feelings in one of your groups. It will help you so much to do that and then hear that the other girls are having the same feelings. That's how I found out that I wasn't the only one feeling that way and it really made me feel alot better.

And about eating all of your food, I did that same thing when I was in treatment, and I felt horribly self-conscious about it too b/c like you said, the other girls were leaving as much as they could get away with on their plates and making sure that everything they got to eat was the lowest caloric choice on the menu (and some girls even sat and cried b/c they freaked out over having to eat), and there I was just getting whatever I could to fulfil my meal plan (not even worrying about how many calories I was taking in) and I was finishing everything on my plate and never acted emotional about it or anything. That made me really think I didn't need to be there.

I promise you that when you walk in on your 2nd day, they are NOT going to be thinking "here comes that normal girl who thinks she has an ed". That is very obviously ed talking, and you need to recognize that. You DO have an ed, you ARE too thin, and you DO need to be in that treatment program. Those people are experts at what they do. Do you honestly think they would have accepted you into the program if they didn't think you really needed it? I'm sure the space they have is somewhat limited, so they aren't going to waste it on someone who doesn't really need it. Please just try to realize that all these doubts you're having are totally normal, and that ed is the one putting those doubts in your head.

As for me, I seem to be stuck right now. I feel like I'm in the middle of a game of "tug-a-war" with my ed voice on one side and my own voice on the other. I want so bad to follow my meal plan, but I just can't seem to let myself give in to the weight gain that will happen when I do. I don't have a scale, so I can't see if I'm actually losing, gaining, or just staying the same. That's been very hard for me. I do know that I should have stayed in program longer b/c you're totally right, I'm not ready to do this on my own. But when our insurance saw that I had gained 2 lbs while in the program, I guess they figured that was good enough, so they sent me packing. Anyway, somehow I've got to pick myself back up and get back on track with my meal plan. I'm going to my dr tomorrow (and I'm really dreading it cuz I'm sure she's going to "rake me over the coals" for not going to any outside group meetings since I've left the program. I haven't had time b/c of all the stuff going on with my kids' ball games, practices, etc, etc., but she won't accept those things as excuses. Anyway, hopefully she'll be able to help me get back to what I'm supposed to be doing. My therapist actually thinks that if I just find at least a part-time job that the eating disorder will take a back seat; she thinks I feel like I don't have a purpose in life right now, and I guess she's kind of right, so a job would help with that. I guess we'll see. I've applied for a few, but no luck so far. Actually it doesn't do much for your self-esteem when you can't even get someone to hire you for a friggin part-time meaningless job, so this may end up back-firing on me. Wow, that all sounded pretty depressing, sorry about that!! I'm not a pessimistic person, guess I'm just having a "down" day, I'll be more cheery tomorrow. :)

Hope your day goes well in IOP today!!!

Hallelujah! They've finally given the girl a meal plan!! Ls, i am officially taking back EVERYTHING i said about the program not seeming intensive enough for one reason only -- the dietician they have there. if for no other reason, you NEED to stay in this program because of her. i am SO unbelievably glad that you finally have someone competent telling you what you need to eat. honestly, i don't even know how to let you know how happy this makes me. seriously, stay because of her. i think your other nutritionist is an idiot (i'm sure you already figured that), but this one seems like she actually knows what she's talking about. she's 100% completely right -- there is NO WAY you should be on a meal plan of anything LESS than 2000 calories a day and i can almost guarantee you're gonna need more than that. so please, stick with it for that reason.

now in terms of the meal plan, you HAVE to follow it. what's the point of "working up to it?" really, what will that accomplish and how is that gonna help you get better in any way? all that is is an excuse and you know it deep down, hon! that's just Ed trying to stay in there just a little longer and trying to keep you under his control for as long as he can. all that "going slow" is going to do is make the whole da** recovery process take longer and make it take longer for you to finally feel happy and free. it's gonna cause you more anxiety, more unhappiness, more fear. yeah, you're probably gonna feel anxious as he** for the first 2-3 days if you just start following the plan. it'll probably suck. but you know what? after a couple days, the anxiety goes away completely. take it from someone whose had her meal plans jump up to 500 calories more TONS of times. the BEST way to do this is just to DO IT. otherwise you're just prolonging the crappy "unsure" times, you know? so just do it. stop letting Ed convince you that you "need" to go slow and get used to it. that's all crap and i'm sure if you seperate out your voice and "his," you'll see that.

in terms of adding stuff to your diet, let me tell you (again) that what you ate yesterday was still VERY light. so you ate a friggin' sandwich, so what? PLEASE try to think about it this way. i would've eaten that sandwich (WITH cheese by the way) along with pretzels and carrots and a couple cookies for lunch, okay? in addition, your breakfast was VERY light (there better have been milk on that cereal, girl!), you didn't have an a.m. snack, your p.m. snack was just fruit and your dinner was decent, but still light. you CAN and NEED TO eat more than this. keep telling yourself that. you CANNOT trust your own instincts on what is or is not "enough food," okay? the only thing you can trust right now is the meal plan that dietician gave you. i'm totally serious about this. try to think about eating in this way if you can. you do not have a healthy perception of what is "enough," so you NEED to trust that meal plan and follow it. in terms of adding fat, come on, don't make it so hard on yourself and allow yourself to ENJOY it! cheese (hello, yum!), mayo on a sandwich, REGULAR salad dressing, chocolate, butter, ICE CREAM instead of that frozen yogurt ... come on, you KNOW deep down that ALL of these things taste better than their fat-free/low-fat alternatives. and they are ALL totally healthy and good for you and NECESSARY for your body so just eat them and don't freak out about it, k?

in terms of that skinny girl, this is a tough one, but i say "f*** her." seriously, in your head, just tell her to f*** off. this is about YOUR recovery, not hers, so focus on you and if you've just gotta tell her to f*** off, then feel free. OBVIOUSLY, i don't mean to say that to her face (be a nice girl!), but you can say it in your head a million times a day and she'll never know. you need to focus on YOU and don't let "ms. skinny pants, i'm only gonna eat 2/3 of my wrap" bother you. she's an idiot! she totally sucks and basically, she's lame. she is gonna take SO MUCH longer than you to recover, so who's the one who is OBVIOUSLY way more fantastic in this situation??? duh, it's you! this topic is starting to make me type like a teenager on crack, but i hope you get my drift. don't look at her and think of what she's thinking of you and how skinny she "gets to be." look at her and think of how much more FABULOUS you are than her! cuz you really are. so i say just give her a big mental "f*** off!" a few times a day and move on focusing on the most important person in that program -- you. hope this helps, babe, and PLEASE, jump right in and be PROUD of how great you can adapt to your new meal plan! i know you can do it!!!

Hi guys!
I have SO much to say right now, so I'll start with what is on my mind at this very moment: snack time at IOP today. Mondays and Thursdays we have dinner there and Wednesdays we just have a snack. So today 3:30 rolled around (and I was still stuffed from my lunch, mind you, so I was VERY bitter about having to eat the snack) and they served up granola bars and apple juice. Not too scary, right? Yeah, except if you're full already. But I ate the bar, nonetheless, and I drank the juice, nonetheless. Welllll, rememeber Ms.2/3 of her wrap who is in my group? I saw her SNEAK the bar under the table and toss it in her bag to get rid of it! I totally saw her! You don't even understand how horrible that made me feel, not just about myself, but for her. I felt like a cow that I was able to eat this snack without a problem (and she'd probably skipped lunch and breakfast, both of which I ate) and here she is not even eating the measely little SNACK! What is that about!?!? And why should she be able to make ME feel bad? Because I'm not as "bad" as she is - then GOOD! It's just stupid that I should feel even a tinge of jealousy, but I do. She is definitely a lot more "impaired" than I am, but that is why she is there! So EAT the dam* bar, girl! Gosh, it just makes me LIVID!!!!

But Joni, you are right - I think this dietitian really knows what she's doing. The ironic part?....she was an intern under the dietitian I have NOW outside of IOP! So basically they use the same techniques, but I think she is just more forceful b/c she works in an inpatient program as well and is used to just sort of cutting to the chase, you know? I honestly don't know how I will ever reach the meal plan she set up for me (for example, THIRTEEN grains!?!?!? that is the equivalent of 13 slices of bread, 7 cups of rice, 6 bagels...how is that even possible!??!?!), but it's made me take more risks, which is great.

Dawg - I'm glad you felt the same way going into outpatient b/c I seriously feel like it's just me. Each day I go in I feel like an impostor or something.
I'm really worried about you, though. I really don't want you to start regressing and I think that you REALLY need to talk about this with your therapist. Yeah, I do think a part time job would help, but just make sure it's in a field you LIKE. The last thing you'd want is more stress and a job you hate.
Do you think that you will be able to maybe go back into outpatient? My program is 12 weeks, no less (usually) and I can't imagine how you got let out of yours so early. 2 lbs is NOTHING to have gained. In fact, when you start eating more your weight fluctuates so much that that was probably water weight anyhow!
I just feel like you were such an inspiration to me to get help and to go to the IOP and I don't want you to give up now b/c you CAN do it. Please let me know how everything goes and have a HAPPY, SMILEY, WONDERFUL thursday - we are ALL going to get through this - and maybe we'll have a reunion! (Or a "union" since we've never even met the first time - haha!)

Lots of hope and support,
LS

ls, ew, that girl bothers the heck out of me too and i haven't ever even seen her! just remember what i said (you know, "f*** off," i really think it'll help. i'm glad you're getting kind of angry with her cuz i think that's really the only way to deal with her presence during your recovery. you don't even have to be her friend if you don't want to. i'm glad you're feeling sorry for her too, cuz it sounds like she's got it bad. she may never recover, whereas i'm POSITIVE that you will. it kind of sucks for her, but that's the way it is, i guess.

how is the meal plan going? are you meeting all (and yes, i mean ALL) the requirements? i'm SO glad you've got this plan. did the dietician give you any pointers/advice on foods to eat, suggestions, anything? that might make it a little easier. you know, if you had like four different breakfasts to choose from, four lunches, etc. that's basically how i operate and trust me, it makes life A LOT easier. it provides enough variety (obviously, i've been doing it for awhile so i now throw a LOT more "curveballs" in there and switch things up. but at the beginning, i really didn't.) and it also keeps you on track without you having to think about it 24/7. i find planning to be really key in me sticking to my meal plan, so make sure you aren't just "winging it" everyday, you know? like if you plan to have x number of grains, dairy, whatever for breakfast, then another x number of stuff for lunch, etc. it'll prevent the "sh**! it's dinnertime and i've gotta eat 6 servings of grains, 5 fats, 4 dairy, 4 meat, etc." problem from coming up, you know?

and also (and i don't mean this snottily, i mean it sweetly!), you're getting NO sympathy from me on eating a "measly" granola bar and juice on a full stomach, okay? first of all, this is the way that it works, especially at the beginning. you've conditioned yourself to exist on WAY too few calories, so yeah, you're gonna be full a LOT and you're gonna have to EAT on a full stomach. just deal with it cuz there's no way around it. secondly, it's a friggin' granola bar. i've eaten (and still eat daily) entire MEALS on a full stomach, okay? so no sympathy here. you eat what you're supposed to eat, when you're supposed to eat it and you don't question it. i'm not trying to act all bi*chified, but i've found that this is the ONLY way to deal with this. it's the only way to shut Ed up and get you eating what you NEED to be eating.

how is everything else going with the program? what kind of stuff do you guys do/talk about? (i'm really curious cuz i honestly have no idea what group therapy is like!) do you like it and think it's helping so far? i hope it is cuz i don't want you to have to struggle so hard anymore. :)

our "reunion?" i'm TOTALLY there! we could all meet like mid-country somewhere so we'd each travel about equal distances ... wouldn't it be fun?!? anyway, have a GREAT day and i hope ya'll have nice weather out in CA (and GA for you, dawg!) we've got absolute CRAP here. it's been really nice lately (in the 70s), but starting today it's going to rain CONSTANTLY through the weekend and get down into the 50s. it's like "lake-effect" or something where the storm keeps blowing back into chicago (instead of just keeping moving east) because of the winds over lake michigan. how stupid is that?!?!? ah, the good ol' upper midwest ... we don't rule out the possibility of snow until june ... sigh. have a good one!

The meal plan SUCKS. I feel like there is absolutely no way I could reach the values she assigned for me...BUT I AM pushing myself and eating more than I was! I really think that "ms. skinny pants" (that girl in my group who didn't eat her granola bar) is really influencing me. She never finishes a snack, never finishes a meal, and she certainly does not follow her meal plan! She's been there for a month, too! So here I come, week one, and eat ALL my meals, ALL my snacks, and double what I'm eating...I hate the thought of that!!! I'm going to pass her up and become this huge blob and probably prove to her why SHE doesn't want to follow HER meal plan!!! That is seriously what I imagine. Dinner tonight at IOP: Sandwich with turkey, cream cheese (random, if you ask me), avocado, lettuce, tomato with a pickle on the side and a bowl of fruit salad. Other than the cream cheese, I would eat that sandwich any day! So why does it feel so much scarier afterwards when I eat it at IOP. BECAUSE THAT GIRL DOESN'T EAT HERS AND IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A COW!! I think that is seriously it. I wish the 7 of us ate with 7 other "normal" girls so we wouldn't be so concentrated, you know?

Anyway, you asked about the program. It's actually really great. They have different "classes", sort of, and all of them seem to be helping a lot in their own way. One day we have art therapy (which I LOVE), one day we have group therapy (just talking about anything really) and one day we have dialectical behavior therapy (which is learning about automatic thoughts, behavior, etc). Today we had an hour of meditation and a small bit of yoga (I almost fell asleep) and we always have a goal setting session where we make goals for the next session, the weekend, or whatever. I like how diverse the program is and it's not as if we are just going in there and talking about our eating disorders - we are learning about them and how to develop coping skills to use on an everyday basis, you know? I almost think it would help for anyone to go through a program like this!
A lot of the girls in the program have been in Inpatient before and are coming here as a step down...im one of the only ones that hasn't. I really think the group idea is helpful b/c it's easy to talk about this with friends, family, etc, but, as I already found out from talking about it with you guys on the boards, people going through the same thing understand SO much more.

How are you doing with everything? Did you go to that church group? I saw about that storm rolling in on the news - nuts!!

I knew you wouldn't feel sympathetic about the granola bar - haha. But you are in SUCH a different spot than I am! Eating 3000 calories a day and barely gaining weight is NOT what normally happens. I wouldn't be surprised if after this week I've put on weight - no joke. I just keep feeling like I'm going at this too fast. I'm going to become out of control at this rate! I hate it. I know that is ED talking, though, so I'll keep on pushing myself when I can.

I'm on my own with the meal plan til monday! We'll see how I go...
LS

oh hon, it's so hard and i'm here, thinking of you and sending out happy thoughts! but you know what i couldn't stop thinking as i read your post? you're FINALLY being challenged. up until this point you've kinda been coasting along and now, BAM! you are REALLY being challenged head on with what is NECESSARY for recovery. i DO have a lot of empathy cuz basically, this part sucks, but i'm also REALLY glad it's happening and that you're struggling as hard as you are. cuz that is what is NECESSARY to get better.

i know that i eat A LOT of food now, but i didn't always, remember? so jumping from like 1600 to 2000 calories a day was JUST as hard for me at the time. i remember HATING my f***ing meal plan and thinking how stupid it all was and how FAT i was gonna get and how much i just HATED this stupid recovery. and i'm not urging you to automatically try to shut down those feelings and just feel happy and peaceful. cuz i think you gotta hate it. i think you gotta feel REALLY sh***y and want to give up and basically just HATE recovery. and THEN you learn to work through those feelings WITHOUT resorting to Ed (ie: without just restricting or moving backwards). and THAT is where the progress comes. without having those incredibly difficult struggles, you will NEVER learn to work through it and fight Ed down. you will never develop "Lauren Super Woman Strength" on which you can call when things go wrong (instead of calling on Ed). i don't know if i'm making sense, but i really feel that these "hardest times" are the most crucial "make or break you" times in recovery. i don't really know if i'm making sense (thinking as i write ... never good! that's when the posts get LONG!!!) and i definitely didn't feel this way as i went through similar struggles, but thinking about it now and remembering the feelings you're describing, i think that this time and these struggles are really GOOD for you (although feel free to absolutely HATE them, like i said).

now a little less *thinking* and a little more technical stuff. are you actually accomplishing the parts of the meal plan you're supposed to be following? i don't want an answer like "mostly but it's hard," i want an answer like "all except 2 grains, 2 fats, etc. yesterday." can you hold yourself accountable to me and actually report on what you're eating vs. what you're supposed to be eating everyday? i'd like that cuz i think it'd help, you know? also, what about my suggestions in terms of setting up more "concrete" meals/snacks to help you stick to it. i REALLY don't think it'll work unless you do that. like instead of "13 grains" a day, you think "3 at breakfast, 4 at lunch, 4 at dinner and 3 between my snacks and dessert (do cookies count, lol???)" that is the only way it'll really work, you know? and then you have your mental list of "easy" meals -- like for 3 breakfast grains it could be cereal and 2 pieces of toast, a bagel and cereal, an english muffin and oatmeal, etc. that'll give you variety AND make it easier to "stick to the plan" you know? anyway, let me know what you think about that. **also, if you're having trouble "getting it all in," then it is your responsibility to yourself to march on over to that dietician and say, "i need help. i don't know how/where to get this all in and i need you to help me figure out some feasible ways to do this." that is her job and you NEED to use her for that. refusal to do that is just Lauren allowing Ed to call the shots, do you see that? try to think about that way, k?

now, ms. poopy-face-skinny-pants-i'm-stupid-and-want-to-be-the-best-anorexic-i-can-be-and-like-to-pretend-to-get-better-but-am-stupid-and-really-have-no-intention-of-doing-so. i don't like her one bit, i'll tell you that! (and all those hyphens took a long time to type so ENJOY them, lol!) first of all, i think you gotta talk to somebody about how she's impacting you. are you still seeing your other therapist? if so, talk to her and come up with some coping strategies for dealing with this idiot. if not, talk to some therapists/dieticians/whatever at the program. i'm sure this happens A LOT in IOP so i'm sure they've got some good ways of helping you deal with it. i can think of a few little ones, but i'm sure they'll have better suggestions. number one: does she have bad skin/hair/is she ugly/etc.? (i'm serious here) find one unappealing physical trait about her that doesn't have to do with her weight and start thinking of her as "ms. knappy hair" instead of "ms. skinny pants." i think that'll help you focus a little less on her offensively low weight. number two (tee-hee, #2!): physically distance yourself from her as much as possible as often as possible. get yourself at the other end of the table from her but on the same side so you have to really WORK to see how much she's eating/not eating. and then, ls, just DON'T LOOK. talk to others, laugh, stare at the ceiling, whatever, but don't look at her or her plate. i know it sounds so simple and like it won't work, but that's the only way, i think. it reminds me of when i kept looking at my body in the mirror (mainly my thighs) and i'd get all depressed because i could "see" how much fatter they were getting. it'd REALLY get me down. and my therapist's advice? "just don't look in the mirror." i was like "yeah, right, like that's really gonna work. i'm gonna wanna look, then i'll look, then i'll feel like sh** again. or i might just look 'by accident'" but you know what? i took a mental commitment to myself NOT to look and honestly, i felt like 400 million times better almost instantly. just by not looking! yeah, i'd feel fat (like you would probably "feel" how much she left on her plate vs. how much you ate), BUT because i didn't CONFIRM that feeling by looking in the mirror (ie: her plate) i was able to MUCH more easily "let go" of the negative feelings. anyway, just some suggestions.

i like all the stuff you guys get to do ... i kind of wish i could go! just for the holistic feelings, you know? it's cool that you think it's helping and all. i really have a good feeling about this being your "turning point" and i'm excited (and nervous!) for you! have a good day. and yes, it's STILL raining here. i think it stopped for like 5 minutes total (if that) yesterday. it's gonna be a nasty weekend, but i've planned on sewing this one purse for MONTHS and i'm thinking this is the weekend to actually start doing it, lol! anyway, i'll probably be all cooped up and bored (i hate rain and cold!) so i'll be around if you want to chat!

dawg, where you at, lady?! and natalie, i don't know why they won't re-approve you, but i want you to know that i miss you and hope you're still checking in every once in awhile.

Hi girls, sorry if im interupting this thread you 2 seem to have going (lol). I just wanted to let you 2 know that i've read all 6 pages of this thread so far and you two are really an inspiration. As im reading, i find so many little sentences that are such an encouragement! whenever im feeling down, this is the thread i come to just to read.

Well thanks again..

Carry on.... ((lol)) :D

thanks! and i know this thread comes off as sort of "exclusive" but PLEASE feel free to post here and give us both advice and ask for questions, k? we need help too! thanks again for the sweet comment and i'm glad these boards are helping you too!

I am so glad that we are an inspiration to you! Don't be discouraged if I ever write something non-inspirational because I definitely have my days when ED is running the show. Overall, though, I'm extremely excited about recovery and even just one week in outpatient therapy has made an impact on me. As Joni said, I hope no one feels excluded from this post and I would LOVE to hear any opinions/suggestions from anyone on the boards at any time!

Ok, moving on....Today has been just o.k. I am having a really hard time following my meal plan (not really following it at all), but I AM eating more and that has really started to bother me. Tonight I was eating a burrito and afterwards I was telling my mom some stuff that I talked about in group, etc..and I almost felt ridiculous. I am not too thin, I just ate this gigantic burrito, and I'm talking about my therapy session??? What for!? I can imagine that recovery is especially hard when you reach a normal weight b/c then you just feel like you have no business talking about anorexia/bulimia. It's like an alcoholic talking about how hard AA was when he hasn't had a drink in 14 years and no longer has a drinking problem. But see, THAT does not seem weird.
Do you know what I'm saying? It's just that I don't feel like I can talk about my E.D. unless I am fully in it and restricting, exercising, etc, otherwise I am sort of "faking it."

I am VERY proud of myself for a couple of things though. Each day in group we have Goal Setting. It is extremely helpful b/c you write your goals on this huge easel in front of the whole group and then you have to check in the next day and see if you accomplished any or all of your goals. So instead of just saying "I'm going to try and follow my meal plan tomorrow, but it doesn't REALLY matter if I don't b/c no one will know anyway" you say "Well, everyone knows that my goal is to ____, so it will be kind of embarassing if I keep putting it off." My goals for the weekend that I set on thursday (we don't meet again til monday) were my meal plan, write in my journal (a specific topic), exercise only once, and do something spontaneous. The last one is one of the most important b/c I feel like that is one thing my E.D. has stopped me from being. "I am going to go home and make my "safe" lunch and tell so-and-so I have errands to do so I can't meet for lunch" or "I am not going to go out tonight b/c I did not plan on it and I ate too much." Those are such ridiculous excuses and they only make me more depressed!!! SOOOOO, yesterday my friends called at 7 and said "let's meet for a drink!" I had planned on doing yoga at 7:30 so at first I said I didn't know if I could. But then something clicked and I thought WHAT AM I DOING...I HAVE TO GO! So I went, and it ended up being so great! I didn't stay out too late and I was in complete control of the situation (which is something I worry about), so it reinforced this good behavior!
THEN, today, I was going to just go home and eat lunch, but my best friend has been BEGGING me to come in to the restaurant she works in for weeks. I always have some excuse as to why I can't come in, but FINALLY, today I made myself go! It was so wonderful!! She was so happy to see me come in and I felt really proud of myself to do something on the spur of the moment like that!

Sorry this has been so long, but I just wanted to tell you about the mental blocks that I am starting to overcome. It's so liberating!!!!
This is not to say I am not still having a really difficult time with the food and other parts of recovery, but I am definitely making progress...

LS- good job on the spur of the moment thingy!! In the end, don't you realize how much more fun it is to do things like that then to make excuses.
(i should really take my own advice)..
But yea, i can totally relate with the whole eating plan thing. My nutritionist has me on a 2600 calorie diet and its so hard to follow (mentally). i never follow it until the week before i go in and im forced to write down everything i eat and then they weigh me. The only thing is, your getting help and im not. No one knows i have an eating disorder except for me and the only few people on this thread who dont even know me personally. I just don't know how to tell my mom "i want help." i dont know why but theres like a major block. like i want to go say it and then i just can't get it out. its kinda fustrating.

I definetly have made improvements though. for luch today i had:
chicken wrap w/ mozzarella cheese, large apple and 2 cookies.
thats way more then what i used to have (half a peanut butter sandwhich and a small apple)
i felt so good after i ate. i was like "great job you did it." and i was in such a good mood but then when i got home from school i felt ed feelings. then all i had for dinner was a lousy lean cuisine meal. its like my attitude towards food and my body are like some pregnant woman with some outragous hormone changes causing gigantic moodswings.


earlier today i was getting ready for a sweet sixteen and i didnt like the way the dress looked on me and it was so uncomfortable so i just started crying in my room and of course my mom heard me and came running and i started SCREAMING and yelling for her to leave me alone and to not talk to me...i got all light headed from hyperventalating (if thats how you spell it). It was so scary i had no idea what was going on with me. like i didnt recognize myself, you know what i mean?..does anybody know what im talking about? well anyway, I just got home from the sweet sixteen and i didn't touch any meal like foods. Everyone was like "are you crazy the foods amazing, have some." but i ALWAYS say "no thanks i ate before i came im not hungry." ughh, i wanted the baked ziti so badly. afterwords though, i did have a small peice of chocolate cake!

Sorry if the way i wrote this post seems messy and like im rambling and just making absolutley no sense but thats what the thoughts are kind of like in mymind..all jumble... :rolleyes: ............

Pinstriped,
First of all, I am SO happy that you are on a meal plan, but you HAVE to follow it! What is your history? Are you anorexic or bulimic? And how are you seeing a nutritionist if your mom doesn't even know you have a problem? Are you seeing one secretly? Did you seek her out yourself? Whatever the case, you definitely have a problem that needs to be addressed and we are all here to support you. Like you said in the first line of your post to me, "don't you realize how much more fun it is to do things like that then to make excuses"? YES! And don't you agree? I mean, you said it! It's so amazing how free you can be if you just let go of your ED and it DOES NOT mean that you have to be fat/obese/depressed or give up anything but the ED.

Feeling as bad about yourself as you did before the Sweet Sixteen is not normal. You don't deserve to have to feel that badly for no reason. You should be able to go to the party, have fun, and EAT the baked ziti! The longer you restrict yourself from having fun (and eating the foods you love), the more likely you will be to binge and then become more unhappy. Trust me - if I don't let myself have chocolate for a while (my weakeness), I will eat massive amounts of it in one sitting and then feel disgusting. That is no way to live.

I know that it's easy to think that everything's fine for a few days, then it gets bad, then it's fine, then it's bad, and so why bother telling your mom or asking for help? But the truth is, you should not feel that way even ONE day in your entire life! So why put up with it. Get help now before you are like one girl in my outpatient group - 36 years old, has had her ED for 18 years, and is extremely hopeless and depressed. I feel so horrible for her. At least she is in the clinic, but I just hope she can overcome this since it is so engrained in her mind.

Anyway, hope my advice helps and I mean that about us all being here for you if you ever want to talk. I always post the most ridiculous things...it's normal here! Haha. Have a wonderful night!
LS

thanks, every post here really helps..

my history is this (ill make it short):
back in 8th grade i thought i was fat (i wasnt!!)so i lost a ton of weight. hair was fallin out..mom getting worried..took me to a specialist. when i got there they like examined me and everything and asked me all these question. but w/ the questions, i knew what they were looking for (a disorder) so everything they asked me like "do you think any part of your body is TOO fat" i just completley lied about. I figure skate and dance so they just figured, an active teen who's not eating enough..shes eating..but not enough and shes fine with herself so she doesnt have a disorder. i never purged before in my life and i definetly dont plan to and i cant remember a day in my life eating under 1100 calories. so ya know nothing to the EXTREME. and everytime i go, i walk in with this fun-spirited attitude and they think im so happy. i always walk out so confident but time tends to dwindle the feeling down to nothing.

The first time i went they took extensive blood tests and when the results came back it shouwed i had a malnourished liver. They told me i needed to fix eat my adding more fats (and i definetly have been!) but that day in the office, mom mom broke down and was crying. she said "i cant believe it, i go food shopping 2-3 times a week b/c my biggest fear is not being able to feed my children and your malnourished." i felt so guilty like, wow your mother works so hard to pay for food to keep you healthy and there you go throwing away half that sandwhich. but i just couldnt help it! like ed was telling me, its no big deal that your mother is so worried.

well back to that whole 8th grade thing when i thought i was fat...now i look at pictures from 8th grade and im like "wow whats wrong with me, i looked gorgous there was nothing wrong w/ me there. y did i think i was fat??" And i honestly want to get back to that so badly but its just so hard. i dont know why it doesnt make any sense. Why am i struggling to get back to someting i want when its totally possible. all i have to do is eat sufficently..but i cant..but i wanna get back to 8th grade weight..and i can but im struggling and so on and so forth.

Oh, sweetie...I totally know how you feel! First of all, do not try to make sense of it b/c it will NEVER make sense. I try to make sense of my thoughts/feelings everyday and I never can b/c ED is nonsensical! It's like having two people saying completely opposite things and you just have to pick ONE to side with - there is never really a happy medium in a situation like this. Your healthy voice is saying "eat this well-balanced turkey sandwich with avocado and mayonnaise b/c you need the fat and the whole grains and the protein," but then ED chimes in and says "are you kidding!? Mayonnaise? Yeah right! You will get SO fat if you eat that little bit of mayonnaise...do NOT eat it." Who do you listen to? Well, obviously I am hoping you get strong enough to start listening to the healthy voice (b/c that is the more logical voice), but I know right now you'll more often listen to Ed's voice.
I've been listening to my healthy voice more often now and guess what - I'm NOT getting fat, I'm happier, and I'm more relaxed....how is that for proof? ED is so fu**ed up...excuse my french. But he honestly convinces you that you will get fat from eating totally normally and therefore be depressed, but it is the OPPOSITE. I've only been in outpatient for one week and I already feel 100000 times better.
And - this is the most amazing part - one of my best friends told me last night that I seem sooo much happier - after ONE WEEK. Isn't that incredible. I was feeling happier, but I thought it was just premature and I wasn't going to jump to any conclusions, but even other people are noticing it!

Anyway, I think you need to try your hardest to follow the meal plan your nutritionist gave you. I know it seems like a lot of food, but trust me, she is not trying to make you fat or gain weight too quickly, so trust it. She has your best interest in mind.
That is so sad about your mom - she must feel so helpless. She obviously cares about you so much and probably worries even more than she tells you. I've realized that with my parents, too. I tend to think they don't notice anything or they think everything is fine, but then I havea reality check when they make a comment to me and I realize they are more worried than I thought.

Sorry this post was so long. I really hope you are feeling more motivated. You can do it! It took a while for me to finally believe that, but it's true!!
Let us know if you have any other questions/worries/comments.

Ciao!
Lauren

hey girlies! i've missed so much, lol! i just read through everything with a big ol' smile on my face ... it's so GREAT to read when ya'll are doing well or at least recognizing the signs of Ed, our evil pal along for the ride ... anyway, i don't have a ton of time, plus you girls already said all the good stuff to each other, so i (for once, lol) don't really have anything to add.

pinstriped, i'm SO glad you've joined in on this thread (it's the best one here ... j/k!) really though, it makes me really happy (how many times can she say "really" in one sentence???) that you jumped right in here and are helping and asking for help. really, it's awesome. your story sounds somewhat like mine. i too was NEVER fat (if only we could go back and erase those "i'm fat" thoughts pre-Ed, you know?) and my restriction in calories was never severe like many girls' is. i feel like that made me prolong getting help until it was REALLY too late (i had some MAJOR binging problems that i can tell you about at another time). i just didn't think i was "really" anorexic, you know? i feel like you're in sort of the same place, but it does sound like you're recognizing the problem more than i allowed myself to. that's really awesome cuz i think it'll help you get help and get better sooner. one thing my therapist said to me when i first started seeing her was that life with an ed was like living in a prison -- you're totally restricted and feel totally alone and miserable and you can't make your own choices, etc. i'm repeating it to your cuz i feel like it really applies to your situation. it IS like a prison, isn't it? and yeah, it REALLY sucks. anyway, i strongly URGE you to tell your mom what's going on. it will be the single best decision you make in your life, i promise you that. i know how scary it seems (he**, i binged almost daily for 9 months straight before i worked up the courage to call my mom and confess that i needed help, that i was dealing with something i could NOT stop on my own) that first conversation is REALLY hard, but (like many of the hard decisions in life) it's REALLY worth it. it sounds like she cares about you and loves you a lot, and i have a feeling that she will do anything she can to help you be free and happy and healthy once again. so please tell her. i don't believe that it's possible to recover from anorexia without therapy and telling your mom is the first step to getting a therapist. and i want you to be happy! so, just think about it, you know?

ls, lady, you're doing great!!! i'm so happy to hear how GOOD and FREE you're feeling after only that one week. seriously, i wish i could be there to celebrate with you. and i love, love, love the goal-setting that you do at the treatment place. that's such a good, concrete way to keep you striving to move forward, you know? i'm so happy that you're getting instant positive results too (from friends, having tons of fun, etc.) i think that's what is necessary to reinforce "non-ed" behavior. we need to tangibly SEE that we feel better, have more fun, don't gain 40 pounds overnight, etc, you know? i'm realizing that with my "out to dinners" every week. i've been a total rockstar (not to pat my own back, lol) lately at not even worrying about calories when i eat and i'm realizing how much more FUN eating is when you aren't trying to count calories the whole time. anyway, i just love it and i'm SO happy that you're feeling so good.

as for me, i've also been feeling very happy lately AND i've been really feeling good about my body. i'm not just like "yeah, i could learn to deal with this weight" (even though i know i still need to gain more) i'm really feeling like, "i LIKE my body this way and my body likes me!" (they should base a sesame street episode around that quote, lol) anyway, it's a really awesome feeling cuz i expected to absolutely HATE my body as i gained weight. instead it's just like "eh, whatever. it's just a BODY and i am MUCH more than that." anyway, i REALLY gotta go now (pinstriped, no need to ever apologize for long, disjointed, random posts ... i wrote about Shaq once! Like ls said, that's basically how it is on this thread ... once we start typin', we just can't stop!!) anyway, ya'll (i think i'm channeling dawg, who by the way should COME BACK!) have a WONDERFUL weekend and i'll talk to you soon.

ps - ls, it's like 50 degrees, cold and damp here. what is that all about?!? it's may!!! (i don't know why i get such a kick out of telling you about my crappy weather situations. guess it just proves what a dork i am!)

Joni-lol..your no dork. heres my weather situation..the other night i woke up from a violent thunderstorm at 4 am so ive been really tired since then. suc*s!anyway.. I was just reading through another thread before and i saw one of your post about being jealous about skinny girls around you who are able to excersise and not eat all this food that we have to and i can totally relate! I guess we just have to realize that we are better then those girls because we are the ones who are healthier eating more nutritous meals to help keep our body's working properly. They are the ones who should be jealous of us. well i hope that helped :)

So this coming thursday im going to hershey park with my orchestra at school for a trip. sounds fun right? well im freakin out a little bit cuz we're gonna be there for 4 days. those daya are gonna be filled with hotel breakfasts, restaurants, fuddruckers..ect...and guess what! im not gonna have any nutrition info and i wont have my calculator. (sounds pathetic i know!) Maybe it will be helpful though, ill try my best to fight feeling anxious about what i eat. im determined to try my best at just focusing on having fun with all my friends at an amazing amusment park instead of calories.who knows?

and to you loren- dont apologize for long posts..i actually love it when they're long! i dont know i just love reading and taking in as much as possible. :D

Hershey park!?!? That sounds incredible!! I am majorly PMS-ing so chocolate is the only thing I want right now. Mmmmmmmm...
You have to let yourself go when you are out there. I promise you that a) you won't eat cheese fries and chili dogs for 4 days straight and b) even if you did, you wouldn't gain any real weight! So if you just focus on the people and on having FUN while you are out there, the food will follow and you will not have to stress about it. I know that you probably still will, but, just speaking from experience, I have wasted WAY too much energy stressing about "fun" events and they always turn out FINE. Just recently I went to my cousin's wedding in Guatemala (drinking, cake, rich food, no exercise) and I didn't gain an ounce. One week is just not long enough to really make a dent...it'd actually be nice for you if it were!
If you don't mind me asking, what is your ht. and wt. now? I just want to get an idea of how much you actually have to gain. If you don't want to say, then by all means, don't. It just might give me a little more perspective. Joni and I are both about 6' tall - haha. We're amazons!!

Joni - I'm SO glad you're enjoying those meals out! Do you like mexican food? How about Asian fusion? Those are some of my FAVORITES. Oh and I'm sorry about your 50 degree weather! We're having some May Gray out here, but by late afternoon it gets pretty nice. I'm going bike riding (just casual)by the beach tomorrow!! So excited.
Talk to you girls soon!
XO
LS

Sorry to interrupt - LS289 - what the heck is "Asian fusion?"

LC-thanks for the advice! im five foot two and ninety-two pounds (sorry bout the worded #s but the moderator would delete this if it has number numbers) fourteen years old. The doctors want 10-15 more pounds on me. i've gained 5 so far. i used to be eighty seven. (i know, no good). But wow 6 feet tall!thats awesome lol..

Oh wow - yes, you definitely need to put some weight on, sweetie. I think your doctor is being conservative when he says 10-15 lbs. Think of that as the bare minimum to be healthy. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you - don't let this ED become your identity and don't let it taint the fun you are supposed to be having in your life. I already regret the past 2 years that I've let it rule my life...what a waste of the best years of my life (I'm 23, so basically 21-23 - what great years!!). You can make this be something you experienced, dealt with, then moved on from. We will help you do that in whatever way we can.

I know - 6' is tall! Haha. Used to it at this point. "Do you play basketball?" NO!!! So sick of that question. But most people get it right - I played volleyball. I like when people get it right b/c they say I don't have that bball player "look" and I have more of a vball player "look." Anyway, that was so random. Have a happy mother's day! I just made my mom breakfast...yum!!

Oh, by the way Tyluk, Asian Fusion is when they infuse food with an asian influence. Like Asian spiced ahi tuna - covered in sesame seeds and soy glaze with bok choy, etc. It's sort of like asian food, but not your typical stir-fry. More regular food just with an asian twist. SO good!!!

haha sorry i was reading these last few posts and ls yours made me laugh..

"I know - 6' is tall! Haha. Used to it at this point. "Do you play basketball?" NO!!! So sick of that question. But most people get it right - I played volleyball. I like when people get it right b/c they say I don't have that bball player "look" and I have more of a vball player "look."

i get that ALL the time, and i was a volleyball player too but people dont realize that being over 6 foot can also mean VOLLEYBALL lol. did you play competitive?

LS, Joni, everyone...

Hey can I join in on this thread? You guys seem like a team & are really motivating me towards recovery...I haven't realized until recently that I even NEED to gain weight. Hadn't weighed myself in seven months or maybe more. I've always considered myself bulimic b/c I binge & purge but I don't restrict, just diet. Now people I trust are telling me to gain weight but right now I just want to stop the b/p'ing...that's all I'm ready for, know what I mean? Pinstriped...we're in about the same situation, I'm five foot three ninety-one pounds. I'm turning twenty-one this month btw.

My question is, how did you guys make the decision that you WANT to gain weight? You all seem so strong. I just want to lose a little more, b/c I don't look what the scale says, trust me. However, I must emphasize again that I am ready to stop the b/p'ing forever, or at least cut-back.

Thanks for the encouragement. Sorry if I'm interrupting!

LC- Thanks for replying. I know i have to gain weight, i really do its just..well ya know...ughh. can you relate to this?...im always so excited when people tell me im still TOO skinny b/c it ensures me that im not getting fat even though im gaining weight. i always look for people to tell me how skinny i am. like i dont walk up to someone and say "do you think im skinny?" i kinda provoke it. like the other day i said to a bunch of my friends "omg i feel so bloated." and they all said (in a funny manner) "o shut up twig" lol, i dunno it makes me feel better. And the whole thing that you said about this being an expierience and just moving on is what im actually making out of it. Through all the posts from you and joni, i've learned that all those voices in my head telling me im fat and to not eat fattening foods isnt really me talking! The real me thinks im beautiful. so honestly, everytime i hear those voices i think "shut up demond theres nothing wrong with me" and i really fight it and latley its been working. But anyways..how IOP going? i love to hear about it.

And to you sunshine- i want to tell you something but first i need you tell me if your getting professional help cuz if you are then nevermind...

Hey pinstripedbabe--you can tell me anything, really. Professional help? Well, next friday I have my first appointment with an ED counselor if that counts. I have a psychiatrist but I rarely see her, and actually don't like her, so I don't consider her "help" lol. You can tell me, though, b/c now I'll be wondering...

sunshine- ok then here goes..when you said "However, I must emphasize again that I am ready to stop the b/p'ing forever, or at least cut-back." that was your ed speaking. the REAL YOU wants to get better, i can tell. but when you said that, your ed was letting you know that everything is gonna be ok b/c your gonna stop b/p'ing but i got news..without real professional help, when your feeling down one day or just having trouble or w/e..guess what, your gonna rely on your ED to mak