Hi to all,
I posted yesterday and i just feel the need to ellaborate on the whole story.
Been with my husband for the last 11 years and have 3 great kids and do have a great marriage, only 1 thing thats letting it down and thats the lack of sex on my behalf. Problem is i never fell like wanting it, i never have.

When we first met the sex was great i suppose thats down to lust, but then when we started to settle down the sex sort of died off to practically non exsistant.! BUt the thing is it never returned for me and i can honestly say it doesnt bother me, but for my husband it does bother him. Its not that i never want have it i suppoose at some times i do. but not has frequent has husband.

The problem is that when hes getting frustrated he gets on at me saying ' why do you never want it?, what do you do when your frustrated?, why dont you come on to me?' you know that sort of thing, and i really feel like im being pressured into it, and then the feeling is that i have been pressured into making love that my hearts not in it and im only doing it just for him to feel better (and i must admit that the atmosphere is a lot better for a while )

So thats the conversation im having with him through tex messges at moment (hes at work) and ive sent that i do feel pressiured and his reply is ' u will not hear me talk about this subject again its ended dont worry i wont ever put pressure on you again after 11 years i thought their would be some attraction.'
So now what do i do? Do i make love to him knowing thats emotional blackmail or hold out until im ready for it? ( god knows when that would be!!)

Or if anybody got any ideas for any female sexual enhancers! or even what i should do any thoughts are all welcome

thanks

First, rule out anything medical. Have you discussed this with your ob/gyn AND family doc? I say this because I talked to my ob/gyn for years about this, and he just sort of waved me off. When I mentioned this to my PCP, he did all kinds of blood tests and just seemed more concerned and thorough in an effort to rule out any hormonal imbalances.

Second, are you on any kind of hormonal birth control? It's not just the pill nowadays that contains hormones. If you are, discuss alternate non-hormonal BC with your ob/gyn. The pill killed my libido...I mean killed it. I got more enjoyment out of rubbing my forearm than sex for years.

If none of these things apply to you, and you are in love your husband, in love with your marriage, everything else is what you want and are otherwise happy, counseling is an option. You could try things yourself to get that "spark" back. These boards helped me tremendously. I just read and read and read, lol. I got off the pill, picked a Saturday night, bought a few nice bottles of wine, made a really nice, romantic dinner, watched Lady & the Tramp (I'm a Disney romantic) and initiated sex myself. This was after two years of not having sex..even before the two years, it was maybe once a year for us. DH was truly blown away and so happy.

I did it again the next weekend. And the next. At first, it felt kind of weird and new, but it's been about six weeks now and we're starting to feel like a normal couple again. I hate to use the words "force myself," but I just knew I needed to do something. My DH has always done everything in his power to keep me happy, and I just felt I owed him the same.

There is hope! We've been enjoying our Saturday nights so much, I think I'd like to add a weeknight in there, too ;)

Try and remember way back when what things used to turn you on (wine, dinner out, movies, whatever you are/were into), and pick a "good night" to incorporate a few of these things to help you get into the mood. Honestly, for me, it was the change in DH the next day. He stood taller, smiled more, touched me more, had a sort of skip in his steps, held my hand again, blushed a lot. I really loved seeing him so happy and so loving, so I figure I can do this!

BTW, we're in our mid 30s, no kids, met in '91 and married in '98. I switched to a different type of pill right after our wedding which I think affected the libido. Whenever I'd mention this to the ob/gyn, he'd say it's a common thing right after marrige :rolleyes:

Good luck and keep me posted :)

omg I could have written that one myself lol My husband And I just celebrated our 14th anniversary this week. WE have 3 kids. I love my husband with all my heart. I just don't have the drive that he does. I do get the urge sometimes ( but very rarely). HE doesn't understand why I don't. He thinks there is something wrong with me. He has asked me to talk to my Dr. about hormonal embalance but in order to do that I have to tell my DR. The reason lol and thats kinda embarresing. I think if hubby showed me attention other times things might change. He want to watch EVERY freakin sport on tv. then he has to watch the pre game......the game itself..then the post game show. Then he expects lights out and get down to it. I've triend watching a game with him but I don't understand the stuff and he gets mad when I ask him questions. He's not a romantic person at alllllll. I am. I like candles and flowers and perfume. so hun you aren't alone. I don't think its all us either lol the men quit woo-ing when the married us. They should try to be more romantic with us...why should it be US who always plan the romantic things????? The world won't end if they miss ONE football game or Nascar race lol

BC pills, anti-depressants, & low testosterone can all kill the sex drive.

Read Suzane Somers book, "The sexy years". It explains most of the female sex problems & how to correct them.

there are herbs that boost your sex drive. i know of one called damiana. i think it actually works.

I've been reading the replies to this post and I just had to reply to this. I have this same problem it's just flipped around: my husband is the one not interested in making whoopie.

We've been married for almost 6 years, together for over 10. We have 2 small kids whom I stay home with all day while trying to finish my college degree. He works a very stressful job, comes home, eats dinner, plays with our 3 year old son, then camps out in front of the T.V. before crashing in bed. If I come on to him, he complains that I'm too agressive. He says he doesn't come on to me because I won't take no for an answer. I made a deal with him and agreed that I would no longer take offense if he said no. Well, frankly, after being turned down so many times, I start to get feeling like I'm not wanted anymore. Anymore I just feel like I'm here to take care of his kids, clean his house and cook his dinner.

I'm also having some female problems which cause spotting and cramping which is constant. Lately this has been his excuse as to why he doesn't want to have sex with me. "I don't want to hurt you." I explain that it's going to hurt whether I have sex or not. He just doesn't understand that there's more he's hurting by not being intimate.

I don't even know how to begin talking to him about this because it's like the never ending arguement. I'm trying to get him into a doctor. He's tired all the time, he doesn't eat right. I think he might have something wrong. I just can't trust he'll be truthful with the doctors.

And it's not like I want sex everynight. I would settle for some hand holding, hugs and kisses. It's the little things that count. To the poster whose husband wanted sex all the time, try giving him intimacy. He may just be wanting to know you still desire him and love him.

I had the same problem when on birth control pills, antidepressant and steroid injections into my lumbar disc problem. Many medications can mess with desire. Many herbs can make your pills ineffective. Ask your gyne before taking any herbs, I had a list at one time but have lost it. The only one I remember is St Johns wart. Im sure you don't want any suprises! I also find female gyne's have more sympathy to the problem! My husband has been great through these problems. My first was not. He could quote the last date and time since we had sex. This only made me feel like it was a duty to be performed even if I was not interested. Now that I know what the problem was I can avoid those drugs for the most part. When desire is low we just take more time, lubrication and I just focus more, It can happen and be enjoyable during this rough time if he will be receptive to your needs and you figure out what you need to get to that point. Kindness and patience goes a long way when this happens in a relationship. I hope your husband can understand because it really brings you closer to work through it than to yell and scream. I wish you luck, I know this is difficult. :wave:

I don't know your age, but guessing my your posts, you are probably either working out of the home or working as a stay at home mother. Either way you have 2 jobs regardless. After my 2nd daughter, I lost all sex drive and at 25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My husband was mad, mad, mad. I even was scared he might have an affair just to get some. I finally talked to my OBGYN and he said, do you and your husband have sex or make love. Find what you used to do to make love happen. Well....that didn't work because I got a very rare vaginal disease that required topical treatment for 6 weeks.

I got that cleared up and just wanted to reach out to him, but I too felt PRESSURED! I would make myself come on to him and we would lay in bed almost every night, "are you horny?" " I don't care, if you are". This would last for hours until one of us (usually him) would roll over and say just don't worry about it.

SO, I talked to my PCP and she said you are tired, worried about money, stressed at work and now this. You are on the verge of depression. She watned to put me on some anti-depressant, but I said no. Nothing bad about them, but if you knew me, you would understand. Anyways, she said to figure out a night that he could do the dinner, clean, and take care of the kids. Then for me to take a hot bath, pamper myself for a 1/2 hour or so and just think about what it would be like to make love. Once I tried it...It WORKED. I was so worked up about having some me time and feeling sexy, I pretty much jumped him.

Hi hairyj
I don't know if I'm doing this right because I'm a new commer. But here goes. I also have 3 great children - 21, 22 and 23. I've been married 22 years. What you describe is my story too. never for me too. I ended up leaving my family six years ago, not just because of the lack of sex but because my husband is an alcoholic. We still see each other, totally love each other, hang out, sometimes even sleep together, but mainly we're "best" friends. This only happens when he's sober though. If he starts to drink or I know he's had a drink, I just leave and go home. Still no sex though. This is the best move I've ever made in my entire life. Absolutely no regrets. He doesn't seem to want to look for a new partner either. He seems ok with how things are too. If that changes though. I'm totally ok with whatever happens.
Wandoodle


Hi to all,
I posted yesterday and i just feel the need to ellaborate on the whole story.
Been with my husband for the last 11 years and have 3 great kids and do have a great marriage, only 1 thing thats letting it down and thats the lack of sex on my behalf. Problem is i never fell like wanting it, i never have.

When we first met the sex was great i suppose thats down to lust, but then when we started to settle down the sex sort of died off to practically non exsistant.! BUt the thing is it never returned for me and i can honestly say it doesnt bother me, but for my husband it does bother him. Its not that i never want have it i suppoose at some times i do. but not has frequent has husband.

The problem is that when hes getting frustrated he gets on at me saying ' why do you never want it?, what do you do when your frustrated?, why dont you come on to me?' you know that sort of thing, and i really feel like im being pressured into it, and then the feeling is that i have been pressured into making love that my hearts not in it and im only doing it just for him to feel better (and i must admit that the atmosphere is a lot better for a while )

So thats the conversation im having with him through tex messges at moment (hes at work) and ive sent that i do feel pressiured and his reply is ' u will not hear me talk about this subject again its ended dont worry i wont ever put pressure on you again after 11 years i thought their would be some attraction.'
So now what do i do? Do i make love to him knowing thats emotional blackmail or hold out until im ready for it? ( god knows when that would be!!)

Or if anybody got any ideas for any female sexual enhancers! or even what i should do any thoughts are all welcome

thanks

I've been through this situation, too. DH and I have been together for 14 years, have two children. There have been periods of time where my sexdrive was severely lacking... We might still have sex a couple times a week but I did it just because he wanted to, I was not into it. We got into HUGE arguments about why I was not interested - was I cheating, unhappy? I explained until I was blue in the face that no, it was neither of those and I didn't know what was wrong with me. I WANTED to be interested, engaged and as excited about having sex as he was. I just couldn't get there.

I attribute it to depression in my case, because I never have taken birth control pills (the damned things make me sick as a dawg).

But let me say this: the more you have sex, the more you want it. I read that in one of my magazines and I found it to be true. Getting back into the swing of things may be rough and you may have to force yourself as someone posted, but after you see what it can do for your relationship and to your husband's self esteem and mood, that alone could turn you on more. Granted marriage shouldn't be all about sex but it's an important part that helps you stay close and relate to one another on a level that is not about bills or schedules or kids.

I do agree to make sure there is no underlying medical reasons for your decrease in libido. If that's not the problem and you want to keep your relationship healthy in every aspect, follow some of the suggestions posted here!

Good luck.

Picksie, you give very good advice. It's always a pleasure reading your posts.

You are very right. The more you do it, the more you want it!

I hope the OP has found something that has helped her. Just as a follow-up for me, it's been since March that I've taken the bull by the horns, so to speak, and taken a proactive approach to our sex life. Our relationship has never been better. We talk more, laugh more, show more affection with each other, have that dirty little sparkle in our eyes again. I have to say sex between us now is better than it ever has been, including when we first fell in love.

Ladies (and men, too), if there is a will, there's a way. Get creative! Try something new and daring! For the ladies whose men are hooked to TV and sports, get your own game going, if you know what I mean. Keep track of how many yards your favorite player ran with the ball, and that equals the amount of time you guys devote to sexual favors that night. Pamper yourselves, make yourselves feel pretty and sexy, think about your hot hubbies, steaming up the windows and making noises in the bedroom that will make the neighbors wonder. I think the key here is to think about it, have a general (or specific!) plan in mind, then think about it more, run an errand, think about it more, do a chore, think about "what festivities are in store for the evening."

We are sexual creatures, all of us. There are so many things in today's society that puts a horrendous damper on our drives. Miss it. Look forward to it. Find it. I know if I can do it, y'all can too. I went YEARS without sex or masturbation with a wonderful, hot, caring hubby right next to me. Get your men involved with coming up with hot ideas. At least in our case, when the sex returned, the romance did, too :)