I thought I'd share this with the group because I had a brief moment of clarity yesterday about what it's like to be without the ED voice.

I am having a tough time tolerating the ED voice and my new weight. I haven't acted on the ED much, but the voice is still really loud and making me feel like crap. And it has been affecting my relationship with my boyfriend because I don't want him to see my body. But I got into a little discussion with him yesterday. I told him that I didn't understand why he found me attractive. In our 5 years together, my weight has fluctuated from being 20 pounds heavier than I am to 10 pounds lighter than I am now. And he found my attractive at all of these weights (though, he did think that I looked sick and didn't like how bony I was when I was 10 pounds lighter, in my ED phase). I just kept asking him how this was possible. And he said, "you just don't look all that different to me".

That's when the clarity came. I thought, very clearly, that maybe I was the only one who put such an importance on my weight to tell if I looked good. Because the person whose opinion of my body matters the most (well, maybe 2nd.. I guess my opinion should matter most) didn't really think that I looked all that different when I was heavier or lighter. Maybe it didn't matter.

Heh, the feeling was gone almost as soon as it came, but it was a really nice reprieve. Maybe it can help some of you as well.

anterrabae, i love it and i'm glad it made you feel so good! it's true, i think we all know it deep down ... we honestly don't look hardly ANY different to the outside world if we gain 10 or even 20 pounds. we go from "sickly" to healthy, yes, but there's a HUGE window of weights that all women look basically the same in, honestly. only WE can see that 5 pound difference. i think about that sometimes too, how NO ONE except me will be able to tell if i gain 10 pounds. even though i struggle with the thought because of "ED voices," i know it's true. i'm six feet tall, for goodness sakes, no one will notice! anyway, it's a very comforting thought and thanks for posting it.

plus, it's SO easy to forget that people don't judge our beauty and physical attractiveness based on the size of our thighs, lol. how often do you see beautiful women? and why do you think they're beautiful? their eyes, lips, hair, clothing ... it's almost NEVER their bodies! seriously! i've been thinking about that a lot lately. when i see girls that i'm like "man, i'd like to look like her!" it's usually because of the girl's hair or face, it's NEVER because of the way her body looks, you know?

just keep fighting ... i think the longer you just stick with it, the less you'll struggle about the actual number and how your body looks. remember before our eds when our bodies were just BODIES and we didn't obsess about every little centimeter of skin? it'll get like that again, i think it just takes time!

I think that is a very good point.

A friend of mine went on vacation with her sisters (whom she hadn't seen in a while) and was very concerned about wearing a bathing suit. She has had an eating disorder for many many years but I think right now her weight is normal and it makes her feel self-conscious.
I told her that probably her sisters were more concerned about their own bodies than about hers!!!
Which turned out to be true.

So often (not only with eating disorders) we think that what we see about ourselves is also what other people see. Like we stick out, and when we have gained two pounds everybody will notice. While chances are that the other person is more worried about whether I have noticed the pimple on her nose... or something...
:cool:
Kathrin