when i went to therapy on monday, my younglife leader came with me. i am going on a two week long trip in early june with younglife and she is going to be there too. she is the one who knows the most about me and knows whats going on, so me and my therapist decided to bring her in to maybe make those two weeks easier. while i was there my therapist said that if the trip was next week, she wouldnt allow me to go. she said that im not in the best state to go on that long of a trip with that much activity going on. so in other words i have til june 2nd to get things better and to let them know i can last those two weeks without collapsing. its been 4 days and nothing has changed drastically. if i do get to go on the trip my leader has to check in with my therapist mid week and tell her how i am doing and if im eating purely lettuce and such, i will be sent home. all this makes me want to be ok til then and do well on that trip, but something is holding me back and i dont know what it is. i dont want to miss out on this opportunity because i wouldnt eat more for 3 weeks. i guess im asking for yalls help to help me figure out the best way to ease me into things to get me ready so i will be able to go on that trip, i dont know how much progress can be made in that little of a time... i know this was kind of a pointless post so i wont be surprised if yall have nothing to say towards it..

This is going to sound simple, but I know it is not. You have to decide what is more important, starving yourself OR getting to experience life. And if you choose experiencing life, then you need to tell yourself that every hour of every day.

I have dealt with my ED for over 20 years and it has ruined much of my life. I finally a couple of years ago decided that my life and my commitment to God was more important than starving, so slowly and hour by hour I remind myself what is more worth it.

hey, i just wanted to say that dance4jc gave GREAT advice here. it really is going to be an hour to hour (or even minute to minute) struggle at first, so being ready for that is key. you can do it though, texas, i know you can. you're just going to have to fight it 24/7 at first -- forcing yourself to eat 3 meals a day (AT LEAST), stopping yourself from purging, etc. just remember that God is holding your hand and helping you every step of the way, okay? a couple of weeks ago in the church that i go to, the priest said something that really touched me and it's been helping me these last couple weeks so i'll repeat it to you. "Love drives out fear." the homily he was giving wasn't about eating disorders (obviously, lol), but that quote REALLY touched me and every time i start freaking out lately, i repeat it to myself. because really, our eds are ALL about fear (and the insecurity and anxiety that come with it, but i really think it all comes down to fear, you know?) so everytime i start getting all "Ed freak out mode" or whatever, i say that quote to myself and try to focus on all the LOVE around me -- God's love, my boyfriend's love, my family's love, my friend's love and most of all, MY LOVE -- for life, myself, the people around me, the Lord, etc. And 99% of the time, i remember what's REALLY important in life and all the ed-related stuff i was obsessing over no longer seems as important. I don't know if this'll help you at all but i thought i'd throw it out there in case it might. Be strong honey and follow the direction of your therapist and nutritionist. this is a GREAT chance in terms of motivation so just take it slow and stay focused on the greater goal. good luck!

Joni,
I loved your post. I love that scripture "perfect loves cast out fear" God's love is ALWAYS perfect so to know that He can and will drive out my fears is such a blessing. I know I just have to be willing to accept that love.

I hope you are doing well and I hope you Texas will choose life.

thanks, i dont have much time to write right now. but yall are right. i know that in reality this fight isnt worth it. and i had my nutrionist and therapy yesterday and they came to the conclusion that i should go into IP... so i have to figure out what to do and if i should go there and when... but i just know i would hate it if i had to miss my trip.. anyways! besides the point. i know what i need to do, i just have to push myself to do so. thanks yall....