Prince31
05-06-2006, 04:35 AM
Hi,
I am not sure where to start, but figured a fertility issue board would be a genuine start. First, to explain my health situation, I have been diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis. I was told a few years ago by a fertility specialist that I would need assistance through my doctor for conception. He felt I wasn’t ovulating properly. He also brought up the issue of a donor since I wasn’t in a relationship at that point. Especially because the women in my family started menopause at the ages of 36 and 34, he said I would likely start menopause in my early thirties as well so I didn’t have that long of a biological clock!
Well, this brings me to my main issue. Absolutely gut wrenching to me. It was at that point in time when the doctor mentioned finding a donor, that I asked my best friend of almost 2 decades if he would be willing. He was single at the time and agreed. This was 4 years ago. Over the years, we kept up with the discussion and planning for when the time was appropriate. He always told me he would do this for me. He went as far as discussing it with my family members as well. One would think that showed some sincerity. Well, last year he met someone. Someone who I feel is a horrible influence on him. So much so, his own family feels that he has changed in several ways as a result of the relationship. Anyway, I digress. A few months ago, my doctor spoke with me again about the donor issue. My doctor stated that she really couldn’t give me more than 24 months before we needed to seriously discuss a hysterectomy. She asked if I had a “back up plan”, meaning sperm donor, and I said yes...I have had one for a couple of years. Well, I came home and immediately discussed the conversation I just had with my friend. I told him all that she said and asked him “since you are now in a relationship, do you feel I should look else where for a sperm donor or are you still willing?” He said without a doubt for me NOT to look else where and that Yes, he still wanted to do this for me. Nothing would make him happier according to him.
Well, last week, I get the dreaded phone call!! He and his girlfriend of just a couple months are expecting! “I am so excited” he had the nerve to say to me. I literally had to put the phone down for a minute and walk away! I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me! I can not believe he didn’t take the necessary precautions to prevent this knowing the commitment he made to me! He wasted so much of my time lulling me into false sense of security! Now that it’s crunch time, I have nobody else to turn to! Nobody! I can’t even begin to forgive him for this! I had a long talk with him and told him exactly how I felt, but he is so self absorbed with this girlfriend of his, he has no concept of the gravity of pain he has caused. He has broken a commitment to me that he had for years and took something away from me that WE planned for years. He isn’t the least bit sorry for what this means to me either.
Am I wrong for being so distraught? I can’t even fathom the idea of forgiving him. Two decades of friendship feels destroyed in one foul swoop! What would any of you do who was depending so much on someone and they so insensitively sacrificed a huge commitment they made to you? What do I do?
I am not sure where to start, but figured a fertility issue board would be a genuine start. First, to explain my health situation, I have been diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis. I was told a few years ago by a fertility specialist that I would need assistance through my doctor for conception. He felt I wasn’t ovulating properly. He also brought up the issue of a donor since I wasn’t in a relationship at that point. Especially because the women in my family started menopause at the ages of 36 and 34, he said I would likely start menopause in my early thirties as well so I didn’t have that long of a biological clock!
Well, this brings me to my main issue. Absolutely gut wrenching to me. It was at that point in time when the doctor mentioned finding a donor, that I asked my best friend of almost 2 decades if he would be willing. He was single at the time and agreed. This was 4 years ago. Over the years, we kept up with the discussion and planning for when the time was appropriate. He always told me he would do this for me. He went as far as discussing it with my family members as well. One would think that showed some sincerity. Well, last year he met someone. Someone who I feel is a horrible influence on him. So much so, his own family feels that he has changed in several ways as a result of the relationship. Anyway, I digress. A few months ago, my doctor spoke with me again about the donor issue. My doctor stated that she really couldn’t give me more than 24 months before we needed to seriously discuss a hysterectomy. She asked if I had a “back up plan”, meaning sperm donor, and I said yes...I have had one for a couple of years. Well, I came home and immediately discussed the conversation I just had with my friend. I told him all that she said and asked him “since you are now in a relationship, do you feel I should look else where for a sperm donor or are you still willing?” He said without a doubt for me NOT to look else where and that Yes, he still wanted to do this for me. Nothing would make him happier according to him.
Well, last week, I get the dreaded phone call!! He and his girlfriend of just a couple months are expecting! “I am so excited” he had the nerve to say to me. I literally had to put the phone down for a minute and walk away! I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me! I can not believe he didn’t take the necessary precautions to prevent this knowing the commitment he made to me! He wasted so much of my time lulling me into false sense of security! Now that it’s crunch time, I have nobody else to turn to! Nobody! I can’t even begin to forgive him for this! I had a long talk with him and told him exactly how I felt, but he is so self absorbed with this girlfriend of his, he has no concept of the gravity of pain he has caused. He has broken a commitment to me that he had for years and took something away from me that WE planned for years. He isn’t the least bit sorry for what this means to me either.
Am I wrong for being so distraught? I can’t even fathom the idea of forgiving him. Two decades of friendship feels destroyed in one foul swoop! What would any of you do who was depending so much on someone and they so insensitively sacrificed a huge commitment they made to you? What do I do?
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Honeybee33
05-07-2006, 06:04 PM
Hi, I can understand your frustration at being let down by someone you considered a best friend. His agreement to become a donor is amazing, but did you ever consider how he would feel about having kids in this new relationship he is in ? Situations change and people change also as you've found out. Don't give up hope. I know the clock is ticking, but another donor will come up. Does your fertility cllinic not do sperm donations ? be happy for your best friend. I'm sure he didn't do this out of spite and good luck on your journey to ttc.
good luck
good luck
Prince31
05-07-2006, 08:28 PM
According to him, he feels “trapped”, a purposeful thing by her. Besides my hurt over this situation, his relationship with her has changed him negatively! He is in his late 30's, she just 21. She refuses to work, even though he has asked her to get a job. She has a criminal record and a drug history. He lost his head with a “bad influence” and now it’s too late to get out. My frustration mounts beyond the pregnancy. Although, that was the straw that broke the camels back.
jpreiser
05-07-2006, 10:38 PM
He siad he would "donate" , that is fine, but did he say he would have a relationship with you and the baby? there are plenty of people who donate but do not expect to have a relationship. Maybe he was thinking on those terms?
srak34
05-07-2006, 10:47 PM
Did he say now that he would not do it? I did not see that in your post.
Was the plan for him to donate only? Or to raise a child with you? Huge difference...
I do feel bad for you. but if he goes back on his word, maybe he is not the person that should do this for you....
Was the plan for him to donate only? Or to raise a child with you? Huge difference...
I do feel bad for you. but if he goes back on his word, maybe he is not the person that should do this for you....
Prince31
05-07-2006, 11:31 PM
Truthfully, I felt he was depending on me as much as him for a child. I say this because last year, something came up and I told him I thought I should look else where( not in those words, but you get the point) and he said please don’t. I did ask him in the beginning and several times after that if he would be willing to sing over parental rights. That way he would be strictly on a donor basis and he wouldn’t ever answer me clearly on that. That’s why I got the feeling he wanted to be the father more than donor. That would have been ok too, but my priority was to have a donor because I did not and still don’t want to go the anonymous route. At that point and currently, he was the only one I had to ask and it took me 6 months to get the courage to even ask him. I just feel kicked in the gut.
Now, to answer the other post, he did make a comment saying “I never said I wouldn’t do it still” but to me, with who he has attached himself to, I don’t want anything to do with that situation. She has a criminal record and drug history. I am sure you all can imagine what a mess it could be as a result especially if he was thinking more on the lines of fatherhood rather than strictly donor. I am really angry that he can’t see what is right in front of his face with this relationship of his. How he has changed and what it has essentially cost me.
Not to mention, our 20 year relationship has been so damaged as a result of feeling betrayed by him. This donor issue isn’t the only occurrence since he met her. I just went through breast biopsies and it took him a month to call me to see if I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I can’t even begin to tell you how unlike him that was! He would have been right by my side before all this. I am beyond devastated by his behavior. The donor issue just gave me the final kick in the gut so to speak. I really don’t have anyone else to turn to for that other than a sperm bank and that’s just not something I want to do. Even if he was still willing to donate, my faith and trust is so broken with him that I don’t think I would now anyway.
I guess I just wanted to be validated with feeling the way I do.
Now, to answer the other post, he did make a comment saying “I never said I wouldn’t do it still” but to me, with who he has attached himself to, I don’t want anything to do with that situation. She has a criminal record and drug history. I am sure you all can imagine what a mess it could be as a result especially if he was thinking more on the lines of fatherhood rather than strictly donor. I am really angry that he can’t see what is right in front of his face with this relationship of his. How he has changed and what it has essentially cost me.
Not to mention, our 20 year relationship has been so damaged as a result of feeling betrayed by him. This donor issue isn’t the only occurrence since he met her. I just went through breast biopsies and it took him a month to call me to see if I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I can’t even begin to tell you how unlike him that was! He would have been right by my side before all this. I am beyond devastated by his behavior. The donor issue just gave me the final kick in the gut so to speak. I really don’t have anyone else to turn to for that other than a sperm bank and that’s just not something I want to do. Even if he was still willing to donate, my faith and trust is so broken with him that I don’t think I would now anyway.
I guess I just wanted to be validated with feeling the way I do.
srak34
05-08-2006, 03:16 AM
The situation really is hard. I understand why you are upset.
I feel everything happens for a reason and if you want a baby maybe he is not the right one to do it with.
I wish you all the luck
I feel everything happens for a reason and if you want a baby maybe he is not the right one to do it with.
I wish you all the luck
Honeybee33
05-08-2006, 03:53 PM
Hi, I agree with the above post. Maybe he is not the one. But as I said, don't give up hope. The new relationship he has seems to have changed him significantly. He will realise his mistakes.....I know it's hard, but move on and keep your chin up.
Prince31
07-01-2006, 05:43 AM
Hi all,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I do realize what you are saying, I should just move on and find a different “donor” or approach to the situation. I think, too, the fact that he has been my best friend for so many years and then suddenly changed over her has me so distraught. Now, to top things, he is “back home” from out of state where he lives with his pregnant girlfriend in tow and expects me to be pleased to see them both after all the hurt. I just can’t deal with it at the moment.
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I do realize what you are saying, I should just move on and find a different “donor” or approach to the situation. I think, too, the fact that he has been my best friend for so many years and then suddenly changed over her has me so distraught. Now, to top things, he is “back home” from out of state where he lives with his pregnant girlfriend in tow and expects me to be pleased to see them both after all the hurt. I just can’t deal with it at the moment.
Steffers2318
07-05-2006, 02:12 PM
I can understand being upset that your friend has changed. But this is what I think: You asked him previously if he would consider giving up parental rights, and he seemed to WANT to be a father...soo maybe he was offended/hurt by this and decided to make sure he got what HE wanted by becoming a father with someone else. (Just reading what you wrote...I dunno, but if I were your longtime friend I might be offended...not saying you meant it this way, but he could've taken it as: you see him as good enough to a buddy, and good enough to give you what you want, but NOT good enough to be a father, like you don't think THAT highly of him.) However, he wasn't going back on the promise to you--he said he would still donate; sounds to me like he was planning on giving you what (he at least believed) you wanted and give up his rights, while at the same time getting what he wanted and being able to be a father.
I'm not trying to bash you here or anything, or say I know what you were thinking about letting him be a father...I'm just trying to look at it from his perspective based on what you wrote. If I were you I would ask again if he would be willing to give up rights; then you will have a better idea if the above is true. And if he will give up rights, then you could still use him as the donor without having to worry about "the girlfriend."
I'm not trying to bash you here or anything, or say I know what you were thinking about letting him be a father...I'm just trying to look at it from his perspective based on what you wrote. If I were you I would ask again if he would be willing to give up rights; then you will have a better idea if the above is true. And if he will give up rights, then you could still use him as the donor without having to worry about "the girlfriend."
newlywedgirl05
07-21-2006, 08:44 PM
Wow what a very confusing and painful situation. You have been through A LOT. I just wanted to point some things out that I noticed. I detect more than a tinge of jealousy. Why did the two of you never become a couple? You seem so preoccupied with his life, sort of has an ex-girlfriend ring to the posts. Also, I know that he made a committment to you, but what exactly did you want? A donor that gave up his parental rights but never furthered his own life? It seems that the things you are expecting out of him are those of a spouse, not a friend. If you are looking for a spouse, spend your precious energy doing that. Not making a guy feel bad for living his life, making mistakes and being human. Your problems are difficult and yes, you need support, but he also has his own life full of his own trials and tribulations. Why dont you try being supportive of him for a change in his time of need.
Wow I guess that all sounded abrupt, but I mean it in the sincerest of ways. It sounds a lot like you have so much anger and frustration about your own situation of reproductive problems that you are looking for a target and he is it. You say that he is ruining your 20 year friendship, but it seems that you are misdirecting your anger and helping put the nails in the coffin so to speak.
Good luck and let us know how everything's going!
Wow I guess that all sounded abrupt, but I mean it in the sincerest of ways. It sounds a lot like you have so much anger and frustration about your own situation of reproductive problems that you are looking for a target and he is it. You say that he is ruining your 20 year friendship, but it seems that you are misdirecting your anger and helping put the nails in the coffin so to speak.
Good luck and let us know how everything's going!
barton93
07-27-2006, 01:14 AM
I have to agree with newlywedgirl05. I don't quite understand what his current situation with his pregnant girlfriend has anything to do with your situation. I too sense that there is more to this. Is he an ex? Is he someone that you've longed to be in a relationship with? I'm kind of confused as to why all the anger on your part.
He offered to be a donor for you. He can still be a donor now. If you are expecting him to raise this child with you, then that isn't exactly a donor. I don't think it is fair of you to even be angry with him because he is having a baby with his girlfriend. No matter what you think of his girlfriend or what anyone else thinks of her, he obviously does not feel the same way. You at some point only wanted him to be strictly a donor. You asked him to sign over his rights. Now, it sounds like you are expecting him to play dad. Well, even if he is not willing to play dad now, he can still be a donor. A donor is all you would get out of a sperm bank. So, if he is still willing to be a donor, then I would take him up on it because you will not get any different out of a sperm bank. Actually, you'll be getting a better deal this way because you personally know the donor.
Good luck.......and keep us posted.
He offered to be a donor for you. He can still be a donor now. If you are expecting him to raise this child with you, then that isn't exactly a donor. I don't think it is fair of you to even be angry with him because he is having a baby with his girlfriend. No matter what you think of his girlfriend or what anyone else thinks of her, he obviously does not feel the same way. You at some point only wanted him to be strictly a donor. You asked him to sign over his rights. Now, it sounds like you are expecting him to play dad. Well, even if he is not willing to play dad now, he can still be a donor. A donor is all you would get out of a sperm bank. So, if he is still willing to be a donor, then I would take him up on it because you will not get any different out of a sperm bank. Actually, you'll be getting a better deal this way because you personally know the donor.
Good luck.......and keep us posted.