Please help me! omg i dont even know where to begin. in 8th grade i thought i was fat (and i wasnt!) so i lost a ton of weight and got down and my hair started to fall out my mom was getting really worried and she took me to some specialty doctor and they were trying to find out if i had an eating disorder. They said that i didnt but i know i have something wrong! They dont think i have an eating disorder b/c they put me on a gain weight plan and im following it and all the questions they've asked me (like "do you think any part of your body is TOO fat") i just lied about. i personally dont think im severe. but heres my mix of thoughts:
With every pound i gain, i feel uncomfortable and unhappy but then i get used to it and im like "w/e". then i gain another pound and that cycle happens again.
At the same time i feel like my foods have to be top quality healthy and if they're not then i REFUSE to eat it.
BUT i occasionally ill treat myself.
HOWEVER, sometimes after i treat myself i may feel some guilt and think of how i can better improve.
I do have a social life but i also avoid alot of social interactions b/c im afraid that unhealthy foods and foods that make you fat will be present and all my friends try to make me eat it b.c they think im too thin.
Some days im great and i feel great about myself
Others i just wanna crawl up in a ball and cry.
i cautiously measure everything i eat and count every last calorie i put in my mouth. :-/
its like, i know im not fat, but i feel fat so i am fat. omg i dont know im so confused. This is the first time im ever talking about this b.c im so sick of this. Thank you if read this whole thing and im sorry for making it long but im desperate!!! thank you again

I know exactly how you feel! Im a fat cow! I feel so ugly and fat and i cant go out with anyone (1) because i dont have to wonderful confidence i used to and (2) there's going to be food wherever i go and if i dont eat then people worry about me, even though im fat! Ugh!

I feel you...it sucks doesnt it? Unfourtunately i have no advice to give, but i just felt you might feel better if you knew someone was in the same boat as you.

pinstriped, first of all, welcome! i'm REALLY glad you've come onto these boards to talk. i think you'll find a lot of support and a lot of things to relate to here, so please, keep posting! :)

in terms of what you posted, i'll let you know that i disagree 100% with what your doctors said. you DO have an eating disorder and i think you realize that. every thing you talked about (fear of gaining weight and disgust when it does happen, refusal to eat anything "bad," lack of social life, guilt over eating, fear of food, etc.) points to anorexia. just cuz you're able to follow a meal plan doesn't mean you don't have a disorder, you know?

i REALLY think you need therapy. even if your meal plan gets you up to a "healthy weight," you still won't have dealt with the underlying issues of your ed. in other words, you'll weigh a healthy amount, but you'll still fear food, hate your body, etc., you know? your eating habits and thoughts are caused by more than just the food itself, which is why therapy is REALLY essential for "curing" you (so you can live happily and freely and not worry about calories, fat, measuring, your body, etc! wouldn't that be great?!?)

please talk to your parents/doctor about getting a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. you will never truly be happy until you can "fix" this part, you know? and also, keep in mind that if you aren't 100% truthful with the doctor/therapist, it ain't gonna help at all. you DESERVE to be happy and you deserve to live outside of the "prison" that ED puts you in so go in, be honest and get some help. good luck and again, keep coming on these boards. you'll find a lot of support here!

Jonistyle-thatnk you so much for replying!!

I want help so badly sometimes but its just SO HARD so i talk myself out of it. i tell my self "o dont be rediculous you dont have an eating disorder your just concerned about your appearance a little" but i know that when i let HOURS pass just looking at myslef in the mirror from every angle possible and planning what outfit im gonna wear the next day and how to wear it so i dont look fat, isnt just a little concerned. And the whole time i look in the mirror i always look at myslef and say "your not fat!! look at you, your **so and so weight** at a **so and so** height and underweight and look at the collar bone. CUT IT OUT NOW!!!" but i just cant help it! I used to be so self-conceited. lol. i would always be like "i have the most beautiful face ive ever seen in my life and im so hott with the most gorgous olive complexion." not naymore! i miss that so much i want that back so badly. i dont look at myslef in the mirror the same way anymore. now i look to see if my inner thighs are disgustingly jiggly and if my tricep area on my arm is flabbing away. i never used to pay attention to those things..i focused on my beauty. and I KNOW im still gorgous and i will be n matter what..i just want to see that all the time over evrything elese (im so sorry im rambling..). I want to forget about the counting and go back to the days where i could drink a refreshing regular snapple and not think twice about the "bad" sugar i just consumed. now i worry if i gain weight (which would actually make me look healthy again) im so freaked that people would think "whoa look how much weight she gained!!" everything in my life seems so structered now (food every 3 hours, workout2 hours....). positive and negative thoughts are constantly racing through my mind. i want the positive to stay but the negative just takes over. :rolleyes: any words of encouragement?..please reply..id love to discuss this and anyone out there who can relate..i would love it if we could help each other.. thanks :)

i think a big step that you need to take is ACCEPTING the fact that you DO have an eating disorder. you can't deny it to yourself or you will never get better. you need to accept that fact that you've got a BIG problem and you need to realize the magnitude and scale of that problem. even if you know you can't fully fix it right now, you need to recognize it as a "disorder," you know? i think that'll really help you first of all and i think you're VERY close to that point (although not quite there, you know?)

i do know what you mean about how you used to look in the mirror and (conceitedly yes, lol) think how absolutely GORGEOUS you are. i actually used to do the same thing -- i'd think "gosh, i'm tall and beautiful and i've got big blue eyes and full lips and long curly hair ... i'm essentially perfect!" now, like you, i think "gee, i think that area of my arms above my elbow is getting fatter" or "my legs are DEFINITELY getting 'puffier'" it's so stupid, isn't it!?!?! NO ONE except us looks at our BODIES to determine our beauty. seriously! they look at our eyes, skin, hair, but definitely NOT our thighs, you know? PLUS, we don't realize this, but all of those attributes (face, hair, skin) look MUCH better when we're at a healthy weight, you know? i'm starting to realize this (just a little bit, but at least it's something) now. i can actually see my face filling out just a bit and i'm noticing that it really DOES look pretty when my cheeks are rounder, etc. anyway, i don't really have any great advice, but i wanted to post cuz i feel like i really know where you're coming from. all i want is to look in the mirror one day and just think how beautiful i am and think that because of every feature EXCEPT my body/weight, you know?

staying positive is important, you're right, but it's hard too i agree. my advice is just to simply "do your best." really, i know it sounds simple and useless, but it's all you can do. no, you aren't gonna feel good and feel like you're "making progress" 100% of the time. that's impossible. but you can take the good with the bad and just keep toughing it out and finding things that work to make you feel good when you're feeling down. are you in therapy? you really need to be. it'll help you sort through all these issues. and it WILL take time, but it works, you know? anyway, sorry this is so long but just some thoughts to start your day! have a good one and if you're feeling down then just SMILE really big and dorky in the mirror ... it always works for me!

You have to stop thinking of food as the enemy. There is no such thing as "off limit foods" well .. there are foods you should eat in moderation like the ones high in trans fats. But there are foods out there that you can enjoy on a regular basis and even ice cream and chocolate is allowed in your eating plan if it fits.

First, you gotta stop measuring everything. THAT alone will drive a person crazy. Like ... have you ever seen those serving sizes? Who the hell eats 3/4 a cup of Cheerios or 1/3 cup of Granola? Not me! I did at first when I was going through my thing until I got help and I realised its all bout calories in vs calories out and exercising to keep your metabolism up and running. Have a bowl of cereal AND dont measure it. Eat slowly until your comfortably full and top it with berries. The serving sizes on the boxes are nonsense, and noone can possibly eat that way and still manage to enjoy food. Trust me. Unless your going to compete in competitions and your goal is 10% body fat ... dont even worry bout that stuff. Worry bout getting your life on track !

just eat small meals and make sure every last meal was burned off before you eat your next and your weight will balance out. also try not to over do anything.

:confused: I don't usually post here but read some of the threads and have found a lot of them to be very helpful, but Bulakatos, this is an Eating Disorder Recovery Board. I don't think encouraging us to "burn it off" and not "overdo it" is really what we need to hear. And exercise isn't the answer either.

PinstripedBabe, I hope you take Jonistyle's advice about the therapy because I think she's right on the money. I hope you are feeling a little better about yourself. Let us know how you're doing.