Hey, I dont know if those of you who I used to talk to a lot are still around this board. But I just got home from inpatient treatment in phila******a Pa.... and for once I actually feel really good. I have energy and im not so depressed. I have my bad days but over all I feel much more like the "real" me, someone I haven't been for the past 6 years since I let my eating disorder run wild with me. I thought i would die before I made it through treatment, but now I feel as though I would have died without it, and I know im right. When I got to the Eating disorders unit I practically collapsed, and ended up being taken out 911 to a near by hospital. and I dont remember anything from the first week I was in treatment. But now as time has gone by, I feel so much better and I'm so glad that I went, I dont know if I would still be alive today had I not found the courage to call and get set up to sign myself in. Now I just struggle with the hard part of keeping up with my Meal plan and watching that I dont do too much the first few months, I'm not allowed to go back to work for another month, so I dont know what to do with all of the time I have on my hands....any suggestions......I was in the dark side of the tunnel and i thought there wasnt a single ray of hope, but now that I've come out the other side, the sun is shining so brightly and I can feel the life back in me. I feel like "myself" again.....all u girls keep the hope and if you really wanna do this and u really wanna get better just take it one meal at a time, one bite at a time.....and give urself credit for every single little thing that you do.....because no matter how small or insignifigant u may think it is, it is still an accomplishment and give urself credit for it, if u mess up with one meal, or skip it or whatever else, its just one meal, pull it together and try to make it thru the next, just no matter what dont stop trying, because it can happen, it just matters how bad u want it.

Peace and Love
Chrissy

wow... let me just say- thanks so much for posting that. i was just told that i need to go ip and im very hesitant.... after reading that i know its whats best. im SO glad to hear how things have changed and how much more of yourself you are.... thanks for the inspiration to move forward with recovery...

I'm so proud of you. It takes so much courage to go into treatment and I'm glad you feel so much better now that you're out. Definitely write down all the good stuff that you're feeling now so that on days when the ED is looking tempting, you can look back on what you wrote and remember that you feel so much better when you're not acting on the ED. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us, I think you'll inspire a lot of people who are afraid of treatment. Keep fighting! :)

thanks....I think its a really big choice to choose to go inpatient, no one really wants to do it, but it is worth it, please stay strong babe and u can do this....

Thanks anterrabae....I will do that, before I left treatment one of the psych techs and I sat down and made a list of my possible stumbling blocks, and a list of healthy alternatives and why they are healthy, and then how I can be accountable for that situation, so thats been helpful, and i've been journaling a lot, so its pretty amazing to look back at the beginning of my journey and see where I am now. Hopefully I can stay strong and continue on the right track.....how are you doing?

peace and love
chrissy

cryingskies, HUGE congratulations from me! i know how hard you were struggling and it's so inspiring and wonderful to hear that you're doing and feeling better. i know it's still a tough struggle, but it makes me really happy to hear how far you've made it. in terms of "killing time" before you can go back to work, what about taking up some projects? sewing, painting, knitting, redecorating -- does any of that interest you at all? reading is always a great time killer in my opinion, so maybe stock up on some new books? another idea is learning to play an instrument. i'm actually trying to teach myself guitar right now (bought it used for only $50!) and although it's tough (lol!), it really takes up some time and gets me focusing on something other than food, weight, etc. music is really good for that, i think. anyway, just some ideas. keep doing great though, you've done amazing so far!

yea, those are some really good idea's....and thank you very much, I appreciate it....I am trying my best and trying to be easy on myself. take it one meal at a time. But I do play instruments, the guitar, piano, and drums, which are really nice, relaxing time killers. Especially because I've got some friends that sing really well and we get together a good bit and lay down tracks and get it all together. I actually learned to knit while i was inpatient. it was insane. I'm the chic with long dark dark brown hair, always wearing a bandana lol with my feet propped up on my guitar with some knitting needles n my hand making a scarf.....everyone would laugh when they'd see me because it looked so odd.....after the first scarf I gave it to my mom and put the needles down but I think i'm going to make a blanket for my nephew, he's due in august so I've got some time to do that. I am going to keep on going.....I really dont want to go back to where i was, it was scary and Its not an expeirence I want to do all over again, its hard enough to stay where I'm at I can't go backwards and have to get to where i am all over again, so I've gotta keep on going!. . . . How have you been doing? Its been forever since i've talked with you, hope things are going well for u, its nice to hear from you

things are going well for me, thanks for asking! my big struggle is trying to get my weight up but it's FINALLY starting to move. i'm on a REALLY high calorie diet and restricted on exercise (even walking, which sucks), but at least i'm making SOME progress, you know? i'm doing good though, going out to eat COMFORTABLY once a week and not counting calories, which is going great. feeling a little happier and last night my mom was telling me how much "better" i looked and i DIDN'T take it as "you look fatter," so that felt good. just keep fighting honey and i love that you're playing music and knitting ... that stuff is just SO relaxing, you know? anyway, happy wishes and stick it out. even if you can't move forward right now, you can definitely stay where you are now, you now?

It's good to hear that you're doing well. and thats so awesome that when your ma told you that you looked better u didnt take it as u look fatter....I'm really struggling wth body image issues right now, my clothes that have been way too big for years all fit the way they should, and its really hard for me, I'm gaining weight and it's starting to show and im really starting to freak abotu it. I'm still trying to keep positive and keep going, but its hard. I messed my meals up really bad today, I fell off the meal plan horribly. I know that tomorrow is a new day tho, and ive got to, got to, got to, do what i need to do....I feel like crying, I actually would like to throw a temper tantrum and kick and scream and throw myself on the ground like a two year old, but it wouldn't help the fact that i'm still struggling right now. but I am trying to reach out instead of shut down. Which I tried this evening to reach out to a psych tech at the hospital i was in, who told me that she expected me to call her once a week and check in with her because she worries about me, and so I called in to talk to her tonite because I've done really badly today and they were doing random room searches, so I couldnt talk to her, or any of the girls that i was in there with, like I just needed to talk with someone who understands. So I just sat and e-mailed my psychotherapist from there for my addictions and she will call me back tomorrow or e-mail me back which will help a lot. I have to find a new therapist for here because mine told me she knows nothing about eating disorders and that maybe i can teach her, and then told me that she thinks she has an eating disorder that she thinks she is a compulsive over eater....I personally dont think it's healthy for her to be trying to treat an anorexic patient when she's got no idea about it and she has an eating disorder herself.....How are things going for you hun? Sorry it took me a while to get back, my DSL box died and it took them til today before they brought me a new one.....please please take care peace and love chrissy

"I am trying to reach out instead of shut down." chrissy, this is one of the most inspirational and positive quotes i've ever read from you. and it makes me so happy to hear that you aren't just saying that, that you actually acted on it. i hope you realize what a HEALTHY way of dealing with all these stressors that was. man, it's beautiful. i want to live that way, you know? not break down, not freak out, not obsess, just reach out and talk calmly, hug someone, smile at your neighbor, whatever. i think you've just given me my way to get through today, honey. thank you.

you're struggling, but still, i think you're moving forward. keep fighting, cuz if you don't give up, you can't fail, you know? every moment can be a battle some days, so just keep doing the best you can. there WILL be more ups than downs someday, i promise. it's just a tough road to get to that point, you know? also, i think you need to do a little shopping, girl! spare as much money as you can afford to (come on, this IS necessary for recovery) and get your butt to the store to buy some new pants. it doesn't matter if the old ones still fit if they make you feel worse everyday. you need pants that you bought specifically to make yourself look BEAUTIFUL. not old anorexic clothes. new, sexy, womanly, HOT pants that you feel GOOD in. you've got enough on your plate right now, you don't need stupid old clothes making everything worse, you know? so go shopping, you DESERVE it after all the work you've done.

have a good day,
joanna

Thanks hun, that means a lot to me. It is really hard, but i guess you're right I am still trying to press forward. I a m still trying to "take care of me" its really hard. But its like would I look at a little baby and say no im not feeding you, and when ur sad i wont hug you and if you cry i wont dry your tears......its like the same we do to ourselves, and i never looked at it like that, but we were all little babies, and they have told me to look at it as im starving that little baby everytime i refuse to feed myself, and they told us to put a picture of ourselves when we were a baby on the mirror.......and it does help....I've still screwed today up.....I havent had anything to et and i should of had breakfast, and my snack and be doing lunch right now, I'm disappointed in myself, so im going to go right now and eat because this is ********, I can't sabotage myself like this, I will really think about buying new clothes, but I'm such a dork, I love my clothes, most of my jeans ive had for like 6 or 7 years and i love them because i paint them and cut them and airbrush them n do all kinds of things to them to make them unique, but i guess if i buy new clothes ill have all new stuff to keep me occupied with. anyways, How are you doing todaY?

peace and love
chrissy

i've heard of that baby picture on the mirror thing. it really works for you? i guess it would, i've never tried it. i think our ed's make us forget that we are worthy, delicate, beautiful, loving human beings. and people like that deserve kind and gentle treatment (which means eating!) instead we just start to think of ourselves as soulless BODIES, you know? beings whose only purpose is to BE THIN. but what is that? it's total crap. we are people, lovely, wonderful people. think about how sad you'd feel if you saw a starving cat or dog. you'd feel awful (and that's just an animal!) but we insist on doing the same thing to ourselves. i might try digging up a "baby joanna" picture for when i'm feeling pretty down. i was a cute one (lol!), so maybe that'll help, you know? anyway, i'm really glad it's working for you.

how did yesterday end up going? it's so hard once you feel like you've already started out "on the wrong foot," you know? i think it's think black-and-white mentality that ED drives into us. like we're either "skinny" or "fat," "right" or "wrong," having a "good" day or a "horrible" day, you know? i'm learning (sort of) to try to live more in the gray areas, you know? like, okay, just cuz i screwed up a little on this thing, it doesn't mean EVERYTHING has gone to sh** for the day, you know? i still have a lot of that perfectionist crap to deal with, but more and more i think i'm working on being just "sort of" good or "sort of" not so good -- instead of "perfect" or "a failure." does that make sense? anyway, i think sometimes we're just too hard on ourselves and we feel like worthless failures for one little slip up, you know? maybe the baby picture helps with that too. like you wouldn't get mad at a toddler for pooping her pants, would you? of course not! you'd be a little disappointed (and grossed out, lol), but you'd forgive her INSTANTLY and not dwell on it and make her feel bad for the entire day, you know? anyway, i hope you ended up feeling a little better yesterday. just remember that you're a good person no matter if you have an awesome day or a crappy, "fat" day ... if only i could feel that way myself ...

i know what you mean about just plain LIKING the clothes that you have. i feel the same way, like, "i don't WANT to have to buy new jeans, i like these jeans!" and mine aren't even personalized like yours! it makes sense though. we've worn those specific pants for x number of years and had TONS of experiences in them. so of course we're attached to them! they remind us of happy memories, events, feelings, etc. i guess i just try to get excited about buying new pants (i haven't in over a year now cuz i'm just waiting till i gain enough weight so i don't have to buy new ones once and then buy them again!) anyway, it WILL be nice to have new stuff, you know? i don't know, it seems like a crappy thing, but i kind of think thta it'll be one of those things you HATE the idea of and then when you actually go out and get them, it'll be no big deal, you know?

well, this post got sort of long (and i don't even feel like i said anything, lol!) have a good day!

I dont have much time to post right now, but i completely understand, and its true if a kid did something we would forgive them and not hold it over their head for the entire day, but Its much harder when it comes to ourselves. I've had an okay. I missed breakfast, but I had my lunch and dinner and my snacks, so I'm pretty proud of myself for today, it was really hard especially because the whole time i was n treatment i did blind weights, and before i left i wouldnt let the nutritionist tell me what i weighted and i had a dr's appt today and i got weighed and know how much i weight now and im really having trouble accepting that. but im trying still anyways.....im sorry i will get back to u more later...and yes dig up a picture of baby joanna.....im sure she is cute. the baby chrissy is really cute too. hehe take care babe