Everytime I watch a movie/TV show that has people having casual sex the first thing I think is YIKES!! . . . that person could have an STD. Last night I was watching What About Brian and a married couple were each cheating on each other. No STD testing. Just jump into bed. Just once, I would love for the writers to show the possible consequences of having sex with an unknown partner and have the character learn a hard lesson. I may be feeling this way because in my case, the consequences were a lifelong lesson. Perhaps if I had instead caught a curable STD, this would not affect me the way it does. If movies didn't glorify casual sex and instead had some STD's written into the script, it might just cause some viewers to pause and give some thought before having casual sex. In my casual sex days, I never even thought about it. And STD testing .. . ?? I didn't even know it existed. Perhaps if I had seen all of this unfold in a TV show, I might have thought twice before having casual sex.

I was watching Oprah yesterday, her show was about prostitutes! One woman was talking about how most of her clients were married and many were rich men like CEOs of companys...others were pro athletes! She was/is an intravenous drug user!!!!!! Then they were showing prostitutes at truck stops...they'd be with many many customers in one day and you know most of those men are married. What the heck are they thinking about!? Their poor wives and GFs that they are putting at risk!!!!! Jeez! I mean if I got herpes being with 2 men in 20 years...what must those hookers have? :eek: But my point is those stupid men being with those prostitutes...how crazy!? Don't they have a clue? I'm thinking about how those women go from one truck to the next so not only is the man exposing himself to her diseasese, he's exposing himself to another man's semen...how disgusting! Those women said nothing about using condoms! :confused:

I know. I think about that a lot too!! When one assumes they are in a monogamous relationship, they don't worry about catching an STD. But if your spouse is cheating on you, and you have no knowledge of this, you have a false sense of security. I'm sure there are many men and women who have brought home an STD to an unsuspecting spouse. At least with casual sex, you know you are taking a chance. But I guess it would be a dead giveaway if you came home and said "honey, I think we should start using condoms when we have sex!!"

I totally agree. When HIV first came out, the info was everywhere. Many, many more people have herpes than HIV. My doctor said it is RAMPANT among teen agers & college students now. I would love also to see a tv show about contracting herpes. And oh, for that reason, I will NOT watch What about Brian, I saw it once & it made me sick to my stomach. This is very irresonsible programming.

My doctor said it is RAMPANT among teen agers & college students now. I would love also to see a tv show about contracting herpes.

I totally agree...it's actually refreshing to hear you say that your doctor is aware of herpes in teens and college students. I know that parents would love to believe their kids when they say they aren't having sex but the fact is that they are having sex, they aren't thinking about condom usage, they are having oral sex. I'd say that the overwhelming majority of teens have had sex by age 16 and many have at a younger age than that! There's so little talk of herpes or any other stds that they don't even think of it anymore. IT's like noone is talking about AIDs anymore :confused: They need to start talking about herpes and other STDs on TV shows like Oprah etc! I watched an on line video from a couple doctors that are experts on herpes and they believe that as many as 50% of college aged adults have genital herpes and that they are not really worrying about whether or not it's type 1 or 2...either way it's genital herpes if it effects the genital area.

I watched What About Brian last night, too, and thought the SAME THING! It not only irritated me that writers of the show are sending the message that casual sex doesn't have consequences (at least when it comes to STD's), but it also made me a little...jealous, to be honest. I remember when I actually WANTED to have sex, when I actually FELT desirable. I feel none of that now because all I feel is WORRY that I'm going to spread herpes to my boyfriend. I also related to that particular episode of What About Brian because I was once dumb enough to do what the character Deena did on the show--have casual sex--and look it where it got me! I CHEATED on my boyfriend, even though we didn't talk for a few weeks and were talking for a few months about breaking up. We WERE still considered together, though. The guy I cheated with I KNEW and was a longtime friend, and I truly thought I was in love with him and that he and I would have a better life/relationship than my boyfriend and I. My boyfriend is pretty serious about being with me, but sometimes I still have second thoughts about that because I still have lingering feelings for the guy who gave me H, even though I'm angry that he didn't tell me he had Herpes. Blah, sorry guys that was semi off-topic, but I just had to get that off my chest.

Anyway...

I've wondered the same thing about prostitutes. Herpes can be so painful and make some people so sick, and I just wonder how people that are homeless that have herpes, or prostitutes that are homeless that have herpes, deal with this. I live in a warm, secure home and I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry for days when I got my first OB, and I can't imagine how a prostitute continues walking the cold streets and continues sleeping with men! I would think that prostitues would probably have low immune function also, which would mean that they would probably get more frequent OB's--how the heck do they deal with this and deal with themselves? How can they go on knowing and spreading this? I guess you have to not care very much about yourself in general if you're a prostitute, but that's a whole different subject, I suppose.

~Katalina :angel:

I sometimes picture these writers sitting in a room, tossing around ideas. And there is one person who wants to say . . .hey maybe we should have the character contract herpes. But they're afraid to say it outloud for fear the other people in the room might guess his secret . . .he too has herpes.

I can relate to your story about cheating and your subsequent feelings. I once walked in those very same shoes.

Does the guy who gave you herpes . . . on another board they refer to someone who passes it on without telling someone as The Herpetrator . . .. does he share these same feelings? Honestly, if I had strong feelings for the person who gave it to me, it wouldn't stop me from having a relationship with them. Yes, I would be angry but knowing how difficult it is to tell a potential partner, maybe he honestly thought he was having a "safe" day. I like to think that the person who gave it to me thought he was having a safe day, but of course I'll never know.

As for having sex with an outbreak. . . I honestly, don't think I could ever have sex during an outbreak. It would be uncomfortable and painful and it's the last thing I'm thinking about when I'm having an outbreak is. That's what I find interesting given the stats of how many people have it. I can't imagine every person who passed it on, did so when they were only having viral shedding. That means that many many people have sex during an outbreak. Is it just me?? . . . I have no sexual desires at all during an outbreak and I couldn't imagine wanting or having sex during an outbreak.

The Herpetrator...I like that. :-) Well, as far as the Herpetrator has always said, "He's never felt this way about anyone, and he wants to be with me anyway, even if I do have an STD." We had quite a connection, The Herpetrator and I. My boyfriend and I were having major issues, and this guy and I just...clicked. We were always able to talk about everything, and we on exactly the same wavelength. I was truly going to leave my boyfriend for him, but then several things happened: I found out he lied about no longer seeing his ex-fiance (which I would've just preferred the truth because it's not like I didn't already have a boyfriend), I found out he smokes wayyy more pot than he was letting on, and then the whole herpes thing occurred. It was just too much to take and I went running back to my boyfriend, who was assuring me that we could work through our problems and be happy. Although my boyfriend never knew about The Herpetrator, of course. Sometimes I miss the guy, but I know I'm better off staying away from him because it's not like we can just be friends. It's such a shame things didn't work out since we both wanted the same things. He wanted marriage sometime in the near future and kids, he was in the process of buying a beautiful house, he was very successful in his career of Computer Programming and was making ample money, he was going back to school to get another degree, etc. He loved animals, kids, walks in the park, and feeding me Italian delicacies for lunch. :-) Such a shame. I'm glad someone can relate to my situation, though.

Anyway, I could also picture the writers sitting around the table throwing around ideas for a show--you're probably exactly right about no one suggesting herpes for fear of being outed.

I feel the same way about having sex during an OB--it's the farthest thing from my mind! I feel yucky and itchy and sore and those feelings just don't mix well with the feelings of lust and desire--far from it, lol. I think so many people think their OB's are "something else" so they just think that they're having sex with razor burn, or bug bites, or a yeast infection, and that's how herpes is so widespread. Although I'm sure there are some who just don't care their having an OB and have sex anyway. :rolleyes:

I thought The Herpetrator was funny, too. I would think men would be more likely to have sex during an ob than women, but, it's much more visible on a man. Unfortunately, my eyesight isn't what it used to be!

Your eyesight comment had me laughing outloud . .. good thing I'm alone!!
The Herpetrator was a term picked up from another herpes board. Unfortunately, very few people found it to be funny. A few people were using it and it basically started a cyber gang fight. Some people were beyond sensitive and thought it to be highly offensive. That board is not really monitored as well as this one so when the flames started being tossed around and it was going on and on and on . .. I just stopped going there. I guess not everyone shares the same sense of humor. But I thought it was cute and appropriate and hopefully others on the board will not find it to be offensive otherwise we'll all agree to disagree and just stop using it.

Sex during an o/b - Now first I will preface this comment by saying that I am beyond paranoid about this. So if I'm having an o/b and lets just say my DH took some wonder drug and could never get herpes yet his skin could still carry the virus if he had touched a sore on me. I would then be afraid that I would spread my herpes to my other areas and have outbreaks internally.

I usually try and stop this panicky feeling because I know it is unrealistic and way overboard but a perfect example would be when having lunch with a friend. I come into the restaurant just in time to see my friend coming out of the restroom. Okay, so now we are going to hug and my very first thought is . . . OMG I hope she washed her hands and washed them long enough to kill the virus if she has herpes or any other STD!! A tad overboard yet it still frightens me.

A few years ago someone said they got herpes from using a damp towel just after it was used by someone who was having an o/b. I researched it and although unlikely, it can, and does happen. After reading that I started having separate shower soaps for me and DH.

I thought The Herpetrator was funny, too. I would think men would be more likely to have sex during an ob than women, but, it's much more visible on a man. Unfortunately, my eyesight isn't what it used to be!

I too had very strong feelings for someone I shouldn't have and the feelings were mutual. It was an extremely complicated situation, both of us were attached and we knew we had to end this before a lot of people got hurt. Not talking to eachother was horrible. We were both using an AA approach . . . one day at a time. Just get through the next 24 hours without talking to each other. We failed miserably and decided we would keep in touch by email only . . .it was safe. For many different reasons we were unable to deal with being just friends so we decided we had to cut all ties and consider each other dead . . never to be contacted again. Years have passed and we recently started talking again but there is absolutely nothing there and I look at him and think . . . What was I thinking!!?? We would have been incompatible if we ever moved it beyond the relationship we had shared. It took me a very long time to realize that I too could never have accepted many things he did. You can't marry someone expecting to change them. You take them the way they are and I can guarantee we would have never made it to our first anniversary had we attempted to take this to the next step.
Don't take offense at this comment . . . I sort of get the impression that neither of these two guys are Mr Right. For one you have feelings but his behavior is not in sync with what you want/need from a relationship. The other seems to be more of your safety/security net. I think that you have feelings for him but not as strong as you do for the Herpetrator. I get the impression that your boyfriend is not in a position which will allow the two of you to marry, buy a house, have kids etc . . . and I'm not putting you down for it . . . you are worrying about your future and you should be doing it now and not waiting until after walking down the aisle. But, and here's my big question . . . would it not be best to just move on and find a man who you can love, lives a lifestyle compatible with yours, honest, caring, financially stable etc etc. I feel like you've put yourself in a holding pattern and that you are thinking that these two men are your only options. Does herpes play any part of this at all? Are you limiting yourself because of the fear of getting out there and dating while having herpes? Or is it more a fear of letting go of two potential guys and taking the risk that you'll never find Mr. Right?

The only show I ever saw that had a story line about casual sex and std's was Sex in the City.

Wow, H.I.--it's amazing what a similar situation you've been in! The Herpetrator and I did also did the whole "cold turkey" thing where we decided that it wasn't even possible to be friends just by phone; eventually though, we both missed each other so much that we started talking again, but then I ended it COMPLETELY. He was incredibly upset, but I told him that it's not possible to talk to him/communicate with him in any way unless we we were going to be together, which we were not because I just couldn't bring myself to leave my boyfriend for him. You must have really understood my posts because you totally hit the nail on the head when you said that The "H" guy's behavior isn't in sync with what I need, and that my boyfriend seems more like my safety/security net. I can't really say for SURE that the "H" guy's behavior was OUT of sync; it's just that I got some "womanizer" vibes from him every once in a while, although I could never prove anything. My relationship with my boyfriend is...shaky, to say the least. We've been together for 3 and a half years. In the beginning, it was a very...lustful relationship, and we were both pretty young. My boyfriend was VERY immature and was continuously out with his friends at bars and clubs and partying, I'm almost SURE that he had a long affair at one point (although I was never able to COMPLETELY prove it but I just know), and basically he was never around. He hurt me innumerable times and there were quite a few break-ups. I always ran back to him, because I was very naive and truly never loved anyone more in my entire life. Things would get better for a while, but then my boyfriend would always "mess up". He constantly disregarded my feelings, was selfish, and just really wouldn't fully commit to me. Finally, last February, I got mad enough to REALLY mean it that it's over, and that's when I went out with the Herpetrator. I didn't expect anything to come out of it, but was amazed at how wonderfully I could be treated by a man, and we just had so much in common. From then on, the feelings for my boyfriend faded quite a bit, and I truly fell in love with the "H" guy. Of course, my boyfriend, even when we got back together, knew nothing of my still being in contant with The "H" Guy, because he was NEVER AROUND. My boyfriend changed his ways quite a bit and did it all on his own--he stopped partying, staying out all night, is so much more respectful and loving and affectionate...but it's almost like it's TOO LATE for me. I've been feeling...a loss of that "in love" feeling for my bf for a while now, but I keep hoping that the feeling will just come back because I feel horrible now that he finally wants to really be with me. I guess I just have so much resentment toward him for all the crap he's done in the past. It's kind of like, "Oh, NOW you want to be with me, after I spent so much time and energy trying so hard to get you to be with me and love me?" I feel like if I had to beg for it and if it's not natural, then it's not worth it, you know? Also, you are right in that my boyfriend is in no financial position to marry, buy a house, have kids, etc. He is TOTALLY financially irresponsible and he is barely getting by right now. Anyway, I suppose having herpes does play a big part in my not wanting to go out and meet anyone that is Mr. Right, but I think guilt plays the biggest part since I feel GUILTY for not loving my boyfriend, and I feel guilty for not caring to try when now that he wants to try. I keep hoping and praying that my feeings will come rushing back, but I don't think that will happen because I've become a changed woman after all of this. Also, sometimes I still think The Herpetrator WAS Mr. Right despite a few things with him being "off"; I've NEVER related to someone so perfectly in my entire life. Since all this happened, he moved about 30 minutes away, but still works in my town as a bartender. I'll admit that sometimes I still drive by his job hoping to see him, even though I know it's not at all what I should do. When I went on a simple date with this guy, I never imagined I'd develop feelings for him. You are SO right in that I should be thinking of my future NOW instead of after I walk down the aisle. Right now, there would be no way I'd be able to marry my boyfriend, and that actually makes me very sad even though I know it would be for the better that I didn't do that. You are also right in that I'm in this holding pattern, thinking these two guys are my only options. I'm not scared of not being able to find Mr. Right, but more scared to let these two guys go. And more than anything, my boyfriend is finally emotionally vulnerable and has opened himself up to me, and I'm so terribly afraid of hurting him by leaving him. H.I., thank you so much for talking about this with me...you know just what I'm going through!

~Katalina

Getting Well: I was married at 20 to someone I did not love. I thought I did .. . I guess I tried to convince myself that I did. We had been dating for 4 years and all my friends were getting engaged and somehow I got swept into the whole marriage idea. While dating, I think I broke up with him more than once a month. That in itself should have been a huge warning sign. But I always went back to him. I used to look at him and think "do I love you or am I just used to you?" My answer was always the same . . . I never loved him. Suddenly I realized that ten years had passed and I was still in the same holding pattern. I wasn't happy. I was afraid to leave him .. . afraid to be a single mom with two kids. It took every bit of emotional strength I had, but I did it. Was it easy? Not even close. Should I have ended this before I walked down the aisle? Absolutely. But, I was comfortable, I was afraid to hurt him, afraid to disappoint our families and friends so I got married against my better judgment. Don't make the same mistake I did. Fast forward to DH number 2. Now I know what true love is. It's never questioning for even one second, that I am with Mr. Right. Sure, we have our disagreement but they are not fights like I had with DH #!. The word "breakup" is never even mentioned, not even as a threat. We respect each other completely and treat eachother as friends . . . respect eachother's points of view and can accept eachother's differences. Don't settle for less. Sometimes we have to do what is best for ourselves; whatever it takes. Life is a journey and it's as if you've travelled to a certain place, put down some roots, know this place isn't perfect, know that the perhaps the next destination will be the right one, but staying put is so much easier than packing everything up and continuing that journey to an unknown place. My mom died when I was young and at that time I was very close to a teacher. I told her that everything is falling apart . . my mom died, my boyfriend was driving me crazy, my father was like the walking dead . . . emotionally he died with her. Lots of crap was going on and she sat me down and said something that I still think about when I'm going through a rough period. She said to think of life as Peaks, Valleys, and Plateaus and that it is a cycle and for the rest of your life you will experience Peaks, valley's and Plateaus. The peaks are when you are riding on top of the world . . . everything is going your way and you think you've hit the jackpot. She said that I should enjoy the peaks but realize that life is a continuous cycle and that either a plateau or a valley would follow this period. She said I was in a valley at that point of my life (everything going wrong) but that it is important to realize that the valley period will end and will be followed by the next phase in this life cycle. The plateaus are when life is good and it's comfortable. You are not on top of the world but you are happy and content and it's the phase that everyone strives for. So whenever I'm giong through a really awful period I remember those words and tell myself that I'm in a valley and this phase will end and that I have plateaus and peaks to look forward to. I strive for the plateaus. I imagine you are in the valley stage so remember that you too have a plateau or peak waiting for you. Those words have gotten me through so much . . . even herpes . . .although I imagine if she knew about my herpes the poor woman (if she is still alive), would drop dead. She was my gym/health education teacher. Now if she had taught us about STD's I wouldn't be typing this right now!!

Remember, just because one those guys may be Mr. Wrong, it doesn't mean that by defaut, the other one is Mr. Right.

And now back to the subject at hand: I do not think shedding expels the virus from our bodies. The virus is there and it has planted it's roots firmly and even the sherriff showing up with an eviction notice is not going to get it to move out of our bodies. The virus cannot be made weaker simply by shedding. I know where you're coming from . . sort of like when I had food poisoning and since I hate throwing up, I would do everything in my power not to vomit. But whatever I ate had to get out and it was nature's way of purging my body of the food that gave me food poisoning. I sometimes think about that concept when I have a cold . . taking stuff to fight it off, but find it's just sitting beneath the surface and I give in and have the attitude that I might as well get it over with because the medicine is nothing more than a temporary roadblock I give into it so it will get out of my system. A great concept for the flu but it doesn't work with herpes because when you have an outbreak, the virus is duplicating, and it is not weakening.

Sex in the City dealt with STD's? I've only seen a few episodes so I didn't see that one. How did they deal with it on the show?

Wow, H.I.,

I love the comparison of life to peaks, vallies, and plateaus. I totally agree with the piece of advice your wise teacher once gave you, and it's really inspiring because if you believe that, then you know you always have something to look forward to or work toward. I think that piece of advice is so powerful that I don't think I'll ever forget it, either.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned my age in any of my posts, but I'm 21, right around the age you were when you married for the first time. I'm sort of going through the same thing you were at that time; many friends around me are starting to talk about marriage/getting married, so it makes you start to think about doing the same. I almost hate mentioning my age when I talk to people because automatically, many assume that a 21 year old still has an immature mind, but I've been an "adult" for as long as I can remember. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and because of this, with my mom always working like crazy to support us, I had to grow up fast and take care of the house and other adult responsibilities. I don't blame my mom for this and have a wonderful relationship with her, but sometimes I wish I wasn't brought into so many of my parents' fights and I was just allowed to be a kid. Anyway, my point is that although I'm young and still not as wise as those that are older than me, I'm quite wise and grown up for my age. :- ). From hearing your situation with your mother's death, it sounds like you probably grew up very fast, too.

It's funny how you broke up with your first husband frequently before you married--my relationship with my bf is like that, and I know deep in my heart that if we even THINK we need to break up, then it's not right. I'm just exactly like you said-comfortable and scared of change, even though I know it would be for the best.

The way you worded your post was so touching that it truly brought tears to my eyes. I already know in my heart that I have to find the courage within myself to think about my own life, but hearing it from somebody else really struck a chord in me. You are so right in that just because Guy #1 isn't Mr. Right, that Guy #2 isn't Mr. Right Right by default. Herpetrator, to me, seemed like he was Mr. Right, but if I didn't jump into the relationship, there must have been things that I just sensed were not right that held me back. I thought I was just scared to be with somebody who could truly love me, but that may not be the case at all--my radar was probably just going off.

As for herpes...
Hmnn, I'm sure you're right about viral shedding and how it doesn't eliminate some of the virus within us. If that were true, then we would all be rid of the virus completely one day, which just doesn't happen. I guess it was wishful thinking. :-) It's funny how you said you HATE throwing up--me too--it's actually kind of a fear of mine.

Thanks, H.I.

~Katalina

GWA - That is amazing . . . I too had the same fear. I had to see a shrink before I would move in with my current DH because I knew it was right and I was afraid of screwing it up and very afraid of loving someone because then that person had the ability to hurt me. Between my mothers death and the demise of my first marriage, I had built a 10' high solid brick wall around me and I was never going to let anyway in. He was very patient and understood my fear of loving someone and he was the first, and the only, person who could tumble my brick wall. It was baby steps all the way until I took that great leap of faith . . . becoming a couple and allowing him to love me and more importantly, letting myself give into the love I felt for him.

I dont know if anyone answered this, but in Sex and the City, Miranda gets the clap or something, and has to call all her past encounters. I can't find what episode its in. But it wasnt that big of a deal since she just had to take some medication to rid herself of it... I think she got it from steve.

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