no really, where ya'll at?!?! i'm lonely and relatively bored here in my office today and wondering how you all are doing. dawg, any updates on the meal plan success/struggles and the triggers of being at home? (or is the internet still broken?) ls, did you go to day one of the treatment center? how was it? what did you think of my last post??? nat, did you get un-banned yet? we miss you, girl! let her back on!!

as for me, feeling pretty good today. i think i can "feel" myself getting better lately sort of. like, i see a little extra pudge, and i'm like "eh, whatever, no biggie." that's good, isn't it?!? i think that's how normal, un-disordered people regard a little extra pudge (or perceived extra pudge, which is probably what it really is), you know? anyway, so that's been pretty uplifting!

plus, i've found a way (for me at least) to cope with seeing all these other skinny girls around. i always get into this big "it's not fair" routine in my head that basically consists of me getting jealous that SHE gets to be skinny and exercise and eat salad and doesn't have to stuff herself full of food everyday and doesn't have to be forced to gain weight, etc. it really makes me pissed off that I don't get to do those things, you know? anyway, lately, when i get into that mode, i start thinking that, sure, i can be skinny too, but i CHOOSE not to. because being skinny makes me FEEL unhappy. you know what i mean? maybe it makes those girls unhappy, maybe it doesn't, but i KNOW that it makes ME unhappy and so i am choosing not to be skinny cuz the negatives FAR outweigh the positives for me. i would much rather NOT be skinny and eat cake and fried chicken and not obsess over my body and have a nice round butt and thighs and not freak out about exercise and not avoid social situations and not let my stomach sticking out ruin my day, ETC.!!! so, i am CHOOSING not to be skinny like those girls, because i would much rather be HAPPY. i don't know if i explained it right, but i haven't been as bothered by the "other skinny girls" (why are there so many of them, lol?!?) as much lately.

anyway, those are my thoughts for today, but ya'll get on here and post! i miss you!!

Joni,
Hey girl!! So sorry not to post sooner. I was actually out interviewing for a part-time job today! The interview went well, but she wasn't sure if they needed someone right away or not, so I guess we'll see. The part-time job thing was one of the things that my therapist suggested I look into in order to help put my ed to rest. She and I agreed that a job is one of the things I really need in my life in order to feel fulfilled, but that I do have an issue with the thought that if I do try to work, I'm afraid I'll fail, and failure is not something I deal too well with, as I'm sure is the case with alot of people with ed's. Anyway, I'm really trying to challenge that and see how it goes for me.

I'm really sad to hear how lonely you've been, Joni. I really wish that we all lived closer together so we could actually get together, I know we'd have a blast!!! I totally understand the lonely feeling though; that's part of what's contributed to my ed. I'm home all day everyday with my 2 yr old and no adult company, and my husband has class every night except Fridays, so basically I never have adult company. I have lost touch with ALL of my school friends (both highschool and college), and without a job, there's no way of making new friends really. Do you think feeling lonely is part of your ed? I think that the whole church thing is a really great idea for you. I do have some girls at my church that I could call if I really needed someone, and it does help some knowing that. Going to the treatment center also helped cuz I made some pretty good friends there too. I think that volunteering as much as possible is also another great way for you to go in the way of meeting new people, plus that has the added bonus of making you feel great about yourself too by helping others. If you ever come down south, let me know cuz I'd love to actually get to meet you and get together.

I wanted to let you know that what you said about other "skinny girls" helped me sooooo much. What you said about not being happy being really skinny is so true for me too. I have been completely miserable ever since I became so obsessed with being a certain size, I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be happy and content. I have slipped so much from when I was in treatment and it has really been getting me down. I almost feel like there's no hope since I've already tried treatment and it didn't "stick", but that's party of that whole "all or nothing" mentality that they warned us about there. They said we should expect to slip, but it doesn't mean all is lost. That's not easy to accept though. My husband is getting frustrated with me, and so are the people who are supposedly supporting me. That makes things more difficult too. It's very encouraging though to hear from you that you're starting to accept the gradual weight gain; that makes me want to try harder too. I've really been ready to pretty much give up, but hearing these things from you helps revive me a little, so THANK YOU!!!

I'm here for you. Even though you feel alone right now, you're really not. You do have friends who care about you, even though it's through cyberspace right now. Remember that, okay?

XXXOOO!!!

thanks, dawg! it's so good to have you back. :) i think you're right about feeling lonely contributing to ed ... it's almost like it gives us more time to think about food, weight, etc. whenever i'm out and about with people, i find that i just naturally "forget" about all the crap. obviously i still think about it, but not NEARLY as much, you know? plus, i just feel happier, more relaxed, less alone, etc. so i've really gotta get on this volunteer/church thing (i feel like i've been talking about it forever but i haven't done anything yet, lol) it's a little scary -- meeting new people always is -- but i know it's totally worth it. i'm just gonna work on being that super-friendly person who comes up and says "hi" first. i'm really good at talking to new people (i think) but i always get a little shy and never want to be the one to initiate conversation, you know? i'm just trying to think about different people i've met over time, though, and i always like the ones that just came up all friendly and started chatting to me like it was no big deal the most. it's like, who would turn down a friendly, smiley person? nobody that i want to be friends with! so anyway, i'm a little nervous and i think that's why i keep procrastinating, but i've just gotta suck it up and do it, cuz i really need some real-life friends here (although i am SO glad that i've got you and ls and natalie (wherever she is) to talk to. i love how much we all can help each other.)

i think the part-time job sounds GREAT! it really will help you feel more "useful" and productive, i think. plus just the technical aspect of taking up some time in your days, you know? try not to worry about failure. just try to find the confidence to say "I CANNOT FAIL." it's true, you know? you really can't. you can make little mistakes and f*** up a little (we all do!), but you really cannot fail at ANYTHING unless you convince yourself that you have failed. cuz if you never give up and you never stop trying, you have never failed. i think if you can adopt that mentality, it'll help you build confidence in yourself. plus, honey, think logically -- you REALLY can't fail at a part-time job. i bet you'll be the smartest, most fabulous person there!!

another thing i like about the job idea is that i think you can use it to your advantage in terms of staying on track with your recovery. i know it feels kinda hopeless right now and you feel like your just slipping and slipping, but try to imagine yourself slowly sliding down a mountain. all you gotta do is stick one foot in TIGHT and you'll stop slipping. you may not have the strength to start climbing again, but you can stop yourself from falling any further. so we just gotta find that one concrete thing that you can do to "stick your foot in and stop the slow slide down" so to speak. i really think this job can help because it'll give you something that i find very important (at least in my own recovery) -- structure. i don't know how much day-to-day, hour-to-hour structure you have in your life right now, but this job will definitely give you a little more. if you can use the added busy-ness to your advantage, i think it'll really help (instead of hurt) your recovery. i hope i'm making sense, but basically, what i mean is that if (for example) you work from 9am until 1pm one day, then you mentally COMMIT to eating breakfast before you go, a snack when you're there and a good lunch right when you get home. do you get me? i find that the structure provided by a job/activities actually really HELPS me stick to a meal plan because it basically provides the times that i should eat for me (in other words, i'm not left "up to my devices to eat/not eat"). on weekends, it's a little harder for me, cuz i'll sleep in a little, get busy and forget to eat lunch "on time" and then it gets late, etc. does that happen to you at all? anyway, i just find that i can really USE my schedule to my advantage, so i hope that you can make it work too!

keep fighting, honey. this is a really tough time for you, i think, because you made a LOT of progress in a very short amount of time, and now all of the sudden you're thrown back into everyday life and you feel like everything is sort of slipping through your fingers. i think this is TOTALLY normal, but you do have the power to change it and i know you can. just focus on little steps at a time and try not to get frustrated. just tell yourself, "I will eat this 'X' for breakfast" and then do it. don't worry about the other meals, take it one step at a time. i know that's really cliched advice, but i honestly think it's the best way to deal with what you're going through. plus remember what i said, you CANNOT fail if you keep fighting. try to believe that and convince yourself that it's true. i believe that you can do this and i know that somewhere deep down, you believe it too. have a GREAT day and i'll talk to you soon!

ps - i am DEFINITELY coming to visit next time i'm in atlanta! (although i don't know when that'll be, lol) wouldn't it be fun?!?

heey i really really really cant express how much i have been unsure on posting this comment = because i really dont know if you ment me (in your post joni), or not, i dunno argh (tis is strange)
but thought id let you know i am reading - not really posting but am reading your posts - and thinking of you all loads!
stay strong girls
love Hannie Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey Hey!!!
I would LOVE it if we could all meet one day. But ONLY when and if we are all recovered!! I should just say "when" b/c I absolutely know we can do it.
Dawg, I think you and I have switched positions. When you were in outpatient I was still in a deep hole with ED and now that you are OUT of outpatient, I am IN outpatient and feeling a lot more hope and support. Seeing how much it helped you when you were in it (I could just tell by your tone in your posts - much more positive and enlightened), I think you need to get back in it. Like I said, my program is 12 weeks long and they assume that is the least amount of time you should spend in an outpatient program. How long were you in yours? I think it was less than 3 weeks even! You definitely need more support than you are getting now...I really want SO much for you to overcome this thing and I know that with the right program and the right help, you can definitely do it. I have not felt this positive and hopeful in a very long time and I can already feel parts of the old me coming back around. Seriously! And it's only been one week since I started the clinic.

I'm definitely going to have my ups and downs (so don't be surprised if tomorrow I'm on here complaining about how much food I ate at mother's day brunch), but overall, I think I can do this recovery thing because where there's a Will,there's a Way.

I think the job idea is a great one! I am actually doing the same thing. I am going to try and work 8-1 everyday and then go to outpatient 2-7 on the days I have it. I just feel a lot better when I have something to do and I feel productive - even if it's a dumb office job or something. I'm also going to do some volunteering. I just want to make myself busy enough where I don't feel like I am just doing recovery stuff right now, you know? Because I like thinking of that as something I'm working on on the side - not my life (although it is, in a way..haha).
Are you interested in taking any classes? The state school by my house offers admission to anyone who wants to take a class that still has room in it and I think that would be a great idea for you if you don't want to get a part time job. It'd be less demanding (time wise) and you would learn something! There'd obviously be homework and stuff like that, but whatever...it could be fun! Especially if you took an art class or a photography class or something. Just a thought.

Joni - I get so excited every time you talk about accepting your body as it (minorly) changes. It is so weird when you look at yourself and actually LIKE something that you thought you would hate and it gives you so much more confidence. I think it's weird how being skinny and "attractive" (if that's what skinny is) makes you feel soooo much more self-conscious and sad. You have to be comfortable in your own skin, and, ironically, I think when that happens, your body almost evens out to a perfect place anyhow. You will learn to listen to when you are hungry, exercise when you feel like it, have fun, and be a perfect, happy, weight for yourself. And also, I totally agree with what you said about coping with the jealous feelings of skinny girls (naturally or not). You have to think about JONI (or LAUREN or DAWG or NAT or WHOEVER) and what SHE needs and feels. Maybe so and so is happy living a miserable, restricted life so that she can be skinny, but you are not. And neither am I. I want to go out with friends and overeat the chocolate lava cake, I want to skip the gym and laugh about it on the phone, I want to drink 6 margaritas and not count the calories in each one, I want to go to a beautiful buffet brunch and not wonder if I can get egg whites..I want to LIVE. And I know that so many other people on here do, too. Because living isn't just breathing and blinking - it's experiencing.

I am excited to recover. I can't wait to have my life back.

Keep fighting, girls!!
LS
(Boy, I'm really inspired tonight! Haha)

"Because living isn't just breathing and blinking - it's experiencing."
I love it - thanks LS!

ls, i LOVE the inspired and happy post! i feel like we're all really on a roll here!!! recovery, baby, here we come!

and hannie, honey, yes i meant you too. we haven't heard from you in so long. i'm curious as to how everything is going and if you're making any steps towards getting better. best wishes and post back when you get a chance.