*sigh*

This is a really tough question for me to ask, but here goes nothin.’

As the title implies, I am looking for your personal experiences as a mom. I’m really struggling with this right now, as my son is less than two weeks old and Mother’s Day is just around the corner. To be perfectly honest, so far it feels like I’m babysitting someone else’s child. There’s no emotional connection there yet, and I’m just kind of freaked out by that. I’m 26, and Spencer is my first child.

I guess more than anything I’m just worried about what the future holds for the both of us. I’ve been on anti-depressants for a long time, and I stayed on them during my pregnancy, because I don’t think I would have been able to function without them. So far, I don’t feel the “baby blues” - it’s not like I’m continually in depressed mood, but I do have my “bad days.” (In fact, life has gotten a lot better for us in the past few weeks, since my husband started working.) I have a lot of issues surrounding my own childhood and having a depressed mother that I’m really really worried about “screwing up” my kids. I feel like maybe that what’s keeping me from getting attached to him, but that’s really counter-intuitive. I know that not everybody falls in love with their new children immediately, but I swear it just feels like I’m going through the motions of taking care of him physically. Yes, his facial expressions are cute, and he’s warm and snuggly in my arms, but any baby would be like that, you know? Thankfully, so far he’s a very laid-back low maintenance kind of guy, because I don’t think I could handle a very fussy baby.

I guess I just keep waiting for a “magical moment” to happen when all of a sudden I realize that I love this little guy. God, that’s so hard to say. I feel like a failure as a parent already, and he’s not even two weeks old!!! I know he doesn’t really know the difference, but I’m afraid that this lack of emotion towards him will continue and I’ll end up being a bad mom. My husband keeps saying it’s because I haven’t had any time away from him and that’s how he knows that his attachment is growing – he looks forward to coming home and seeing Spencer at the end of the day. Well, good for him, but I don’t really have that option. I’m breastfeeding, and I don’t even have a breast pump to use if I wanted to. Besides I don’t want him to develop nipple confusion at such an early age.

Crap this is really long and rambling and nonsensical. I guess my basic question still stands: Moms, when did you fall in love with your kids?

Hi :wave: I would say, to me, this sounds like PPD. I would talk to your Dr about that. This happens with some people, and your Dr can help you with that. Also, MAYBE lack of sleep, being tired, to much on your plate!! Im not sure but you should talk to your Dr!

well im a "new mom" my only son is 7 months, When he was born, the first few days seemed weird, like, wow this is MY baby? I thought he was the most beautiful baby boy born to earth and still do. As of lovng him, Im pretty sure it was from day one, Just looking at another human that came from you is the greatest feeling to me :angel:

With my DD it was not some magical moment or love at 1st sight it took me many weeks. I think it was my horemones but now I would do anything in the world for her. I had a hard time coping with the fact that I didn't love her so much yet especially since I felt that love at 1st sight thing with my 1st. I have a friend that was having her 2nd when I had my 1st and and she made a comment about not "feeling" the same for this baby and I couldn't imagine her feelings at all. I also remember my closest friend confiding in me that she thought she wanted to give her son to her motherfor adoption when he was about a month or two. She looks back on that now and can recognize the imbalance that you can feel after a baby but not nessesarliy see at the time. Please just be patient and kind and it will happen.

I would definatly talk to your doctor but also is there someone who could watch your baby for a few hours so you could have a break? This might help more than you think. Don't be ashamed to tell someone close to you how you feel because talking and getting advice can also be very helpful.

Awww, big hugs to you. I know how rough bonding can be, and what your feeling is COMPLETELY NORMAL!!!
I didn't "fall in love" with mine until they were probably two or three weeks old. I just felt like I had been shafted somehow. All they did was cry, eat and cry. All I wanted to do was cry and sleep.
Then one day I found myself enjoying them, and it got better from there.
I'd say if it lasts longer than three weeks, talk to your obgyn about PPD. But until then, relax and try not to feel pressured by your emotions. Your going through SO MUCH right now, it's normal to feel nothing but overwhelmed and even a little resentful.
Take care of you!!!

I give you credit for admitting what I'm sure lots of new moms wish they could. Here you have just given birth to this beautiful baby, and your just supposed to have a switch go on and expect yourself to love this baby unlike anyone else. I can't tell you how common this is. Most of my friends told me the same thing. Is it that you can't feel anything.........or that you just don't feel like it's your baby yet? It took me a while to get that this little life was solely dependant on me! It's a really big wake up call. I would say that unless you feel like you can't take care of the baby, or that you may harm it, then I would just bring it up witht he doctor, but to me...........everything sounds normal. You are both getting to know one another, and that is how love happens.

Just wanted to say that the same was true for me. I was 21 when I had my son and my husband and I did not plan for the baby and my pregnancy was an accident. At first it seemed like someone handed me a stranger and I didnt feel a huge bonding moment. I was tired and hurting after my cesarean so that made it worse. It seemeed like this little thing just had demands all of the time and he couldn't even interact with me. I had the baby blues bad for the first couple weeks and looking back I would say I may have had mild depression until he was 4 or 5 months old. It makes it really hard to fall in love with your child. But I always took good care of him and would never hurt him so as long as your not feeling any of those tendencies your probably ok. It is always good to ask your pediatrician these questions because they have heard it all before.

The first step is to realize that there may be an issue and it seems like you have reconized it. I am 23, happily married and succsessful at this age and it took me a couple of weeks to get use to having the baby. I also didn't totally feel like her mother. Now, at 5 weeks I am really beginning to fall in love with her. I notice that she is growing more and becoming more active and that makes a difference in my opinion. I don't have much patience and I don't think I would be able to handle a fussy baby very well either and so far I have been blessed with a very good baby. Try to remember that too, it helps. Think about that your baby could be fussy but he isn't. I also think about how helpless she is and that she just wants love because that is all she knows and that helps as well.

I think you need some time away from the baby. A night out here and there to get a little time for yourself. That was when it first hit me how much I loved him. His dad and I went out for an evening at about 4 weeks and I missed him so much. I think I loved him before that but it was then I realized I couldn't live without him. I know you said you bf and you don't have anyone else that could feed him but maybe one night of formula is worth it for you to have some time for yourself. It's not good for you to be unhappy either.

When they get older too I bet things change. At first there isn't much they do other than sleep, eat and cry. Not much of a pay-off for a hard working mom. Once the smiles start, and you get to see how much they love to be around you and how excited they are to see you, it makes a huge difference. Ds gets so excited every morning when I go in his room. It makes it worth having to get up in the morning.

I could have written your post. I almost started crying reading what you said as it brought back so many of my own thoughts and memories. I think this is something that should be talked about more. I actually wrote a post about this after my baby was born too. You are not alone.

I'm 37 yrs old (36 when I gave birth)....my first baby, and we really wanted her. I deeply cared for my baby from the beginning, but I really didn't bond with her or feel totally in love until she was about 3 months old.

I didn't have PP depression. Thinking back and trying to make sense of it now, I'm gonna say that the aftermath of my birth experience was far from what I hoped it to be. All the excitement that led up to the birth was fine. Labor and delivery was fine.

Everyone seemed to forget about ME after DD was here. My H was engrossed in the baby and got to move on with his life, go back to work, spend time with his friends, go run errands with no time or feeding schedules, etc. My MIL completely disregarded our wishes for visiting and keeping her big mouth to herself. She made the birth of my baby all about her & everyone catered to her just to shut her up & keep her as happy as they could...including my H. I was torn, cut, and bruised. Pain meds for 2 weeks. I could hardly walk. I needed help and support from people I loved & trusted just as much as the baby needed me.

Breastfeeding was a nice quiet time for me and the baby...but still very lonely for me. No one helped me out, kept me company, or even give support other than asking me, "how's the breastfeeding going?"...and then all the attention was on the baby or themselves. I felt a lot of pressure when starting the breastfeeding because I knew I was the only one who could do it.

Then, the colic set in at 4 weeks old. That lasted until DD was 12 weeks old. I had a screaming baby from about 9am to about 8pm every day...DH was at work. My mom/family live several hours away. I really felt no bond with DD. I took it hour by hour until DH came home from work.

So, I really had no time to really experience my baby in the early weeks.

It was after the colic went away, and all of a sudden DD and I could look at each other in the eyes (without screaming) and observe & interact with each other. We finally had quiet time together without visitors around constantly, in-laws gone, and somewhat of a routine going. I do remember the moment I realized I was totally in love with her. It took a while for me.

Also for me, I really didn't feel like I was getting back to normal physically until about 3 months PP. Hormones do play a huge part for a long time. Don't let anyone convince you that you should be over the hormone rages by now. It takes so long...and it's normal. My MIL made me feel like the biggest pile of dog crap when I said my hormones were keeping me from being ME (MIL had a lot to do with my emotional outlook on DD and my abitlities as a mother...I won't go into it anymore).

I do remember the exact moment I felt bonded to my DD. She was 3 months old. That day will come for you. I know it sounds odd to say and admit you're not bonded...but what you feel sounds very normal to me.

It sounds to me like you have an awareness of your own childhood & problems that occurred. Having that awareness and sensitivity is 90% of overcoming them. You know what's right and wrong. I think your future with your child is bright...and don't let anyone (including yourself) tell you any different.

The bonding day for you will come. Trust me. I know it will because you have posted your thoughts & fears...and you truly care about your baby. Give YOURSELF some time to get a sense of normalcy back into YOUR new life. Get a routine going (the best you can at this point) and keep doing your best. You will never forget the bonding moment when it happens.

Keep coming to this board. I got a lot of support here when I wasn't getting it from the people I should have. Best wishes to you and your new baby...and remember to take the time to care for and love YOURSELF during these early days.

I think your post was brave and so many women feel this way and cant say it, like they will be shamed.

I tried to to get pg the first time for 3.5 yrs, when I had my daughter she almost died, so I went through something weird almost distanced myself from her because I felt it was gonna be bad, but I remember looking at her in the hospital, she was lookign at me and that was the moment it was several days after she was born.

My 2nd came 8 yrs later and I loved her honestly the min I knew I was pg.

I had PPD with both of them. Really bad. Mine was more like I felt I would not be able to protect them.

You can plan and want for years. But when they get here its shock.

Have you gone to counseling? If not I would, and take it from me, I had to be talked into it and my first counselor was a nut, but I found one I liked.. she explained the hormones, the dream of how we think it will all be and really its not always like that.

Im sure you have days that are good and bad like all of us.
You may be missing out on some precious time with him, I would encourage you to find a woman counselor that deals in PPD.

Also read some books on it, you are not alone!

The first two weeks of my sons life were very depressing for me. I had the baby blues really bad! I felt like I was taking care of someone else's kid as well but then my DH said something that made sense. He said that this is another human being and when he was born I did not "know" him per say. He said give it time, get to know him and you will fall in love. I did. It took a little time but I am SOOO in love with him now.

My doctor said if it continued that it could be post partum depression, but luckily it went away.

My biggest thing is the on and off feelings of resentment toward my DS. My pregnancy was not planned ~ I am 28 and have been with my husband for 11 years now and we had planned to not have any children.

Here I am a stay at home mom. I am breastfeeding and my DS won't take a bottle (I try everyday). He is 8.5 weeks old and I have not been away from him for more than 30 minutes because he eats about every hour. I feel so trapped sometimes. Not only that but I am 30 pounds heavier and full of stretch marks. I had a difficult pregnancy so I have not seen any of my friends socially really for almost a year. I do love him ~ that I know ~ but somedays I just wish I could have my old life back.

I hope things get better for you.

DS was born about 2 weeks before Mother's day 3 years ago. I had family in town. I clearly remember walking out of my bedroom into the kitchen, everyone cheered "Happy Mother's Day" and I burst into tears!! I was so overwhelmed with healing and learning how to care for the baby and having my freedom taken away from me, I wanted someone to put the baby back in. Talk to your doctor honestly about your feelings. You do not want to be alone and dealing with PPD. I was too scared and didn't tell anyone how sad I was for about 3 months untilmine went away. Looking back it was a really dumb thing to do. And it took me about 3-4 months to completely fall in love with my son. I loved him, but I was not in love with him. With my 2nd child I was in love with her from the second she came out, but I also was comfortable with babies and my life being completely different at that point. What you are feeling is very normal.

Thanks, everybody. I know on an intellectual level that I'm not the only person who's ever needed time to adjust to being a mom, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I am talking to my husband, and he's very supportive and understands how I feel, because he doesn't feel like a Dad yet, either. I guess I just needed to hear from other random anonymous people that it's OK.

The reason I haven't rushed to call my GP or OB is because I'm already on anti-depressants and have dealt with my "bad days" for years now. I have considered a change in medications, but didn't want to change anything while I was pregnant. Counseling is something that Hubby and I have talked about for a long time (just for me), but it's never really materialized. Something always comes up financially that keeps me from calling for a recommendation. Now, with me not working, there's less money than before Spencer was born, so I don't really see that happening any time soon. Vicious cycle, eh?

It sounds to me like you are being a good mother and taking fine care of your child. I think what you're going through is totally normal. One of my best friends had twins at first, and although she wasn't at all depressed, and was interacting quite normally with her children, she said she didn't start to feel anything more than responsibility toward them for over five weeks. But she was a great mother to them all along, and I'm sure you are as well.

i find now ds is gurgling and smiling he is more rewarding and makes my heart smile, i also find if i go out and spend some time away when i get back i love him even more sometimes having the odd night out or trip to the hairdressers does you good

Maybe the doc would up your dosage of your meds?? Sorry to hear you are going through this. I did not feel that deep love for my son for 3 days. I got it the second he nursed for the first time after my milk came in. My sister said she felt it instantly and others I know have said it happened after weeks. I think Brooke Shields wrote a book on her experiences of feeling the same way as you. Maybe you could read it??? You will develop the feelings you are looking for so don't fret. Im sure it just has to do with a little ppd. Hugs!

Don't be hard on yourself, you're doing the best you can. As for "falling in love with your child/ren".... I fell in love with my husband not my baby, I have a different kind of love for my dd and it didn't start with a bang either... it took me around 3 months to get my connection with her.... I had ppd and I believe that slowed things down... Also the birth of my dd was rather traumatic which didn't help matters.

As suggested, have a chat with your GP, there is nothing wrong and unusual about not having a bond with your baby yet... especially when they are a newborn still.... its so hard to develop those feelings with someone who doesn't give back anything yet... just wait till she can smile, giggle and follow you round the room with her gaze...

Hang in there it will get better... and ask for help... too few women do!!!!

:wave:

Don'r worry. It took me a few months to really fall in love with my dd. Of course i loved her as soon as she was conceived and when she came out i thought she was the most beautiful creature alive but i didn't feel 'in love' i felt like a milking machine and that she only wanted to be around my boobs not me! She's now 15 weeks and i look at her and just cry sometimes because i love her so much. It takes time to bond, don't let anyone tell you it should be instantanous! Every mum and every baby is different.
Hang in there, things will get considerably better

My daughter was born on a thursday and I would say I had fallen in love her on Saturday. I was smitten with her at the beginning, but when she fell ill on the second day and she had to be medi-flighted to another hospital, I knew that was my baby girl and I loved her more than life itself. And to think I had been so afraid during my pregnancy that I would not love this baby as much as I loved my 12 year old daughter. I could not imagine loving anything as much, but I did. Now I can't imagine not having at least one more baby. I love both of my children so much that I want more babies to love.

I can't add much to the comments that have already been made, but I hope you have gained some reassurance from what has been said. I do think it is worth discussing possible PPD with your doctor - there may be more appropriate meds for this condition, especially if you are breast feeding - or getting some counselling. If you can't afford it, then hopefully the people on this board will be able to help in some way.

I was one of the lucky ones who fell in love with my daughter when she was born, and the love gets deeper day by day, but I think I was only aware of FALLING in love with her the first time she looked into my eyes and smiled. I know this sounds corny, but after weeks of constant demands, she finally gave something back.

I too felt the same way. I never mentioned it to anyone. I thought I was a failure as a mother. I even had these horrible visions of me being one of those Andrea Yates mothers or something. No, I never, ever thought about killing or hurting my baby, I just thought because I didn't feel that immediate bond that I was a horrible person.

It took me until, about 3 months or so, to finally feel that love for my son. Once 4 months came around and he wanted me all of the time and started to show that love, I fell. Since then, everyday that passes by I am loving my son more and more. When he gave me those first kisses, my gosh did my heart melt.

Don't feel down on yourself. Its completely normal, I think more so for first time mom's who expect so much when they have a baby that they get disappointed or overwhelmed with everything. Its a big change having a baby, but you get used to it and start to feel the emotional feelings as well. I know when I first had DS, for the first month I felt like a robot. I thought all I was there for was to feed and change him and I got nothing in return. A bit selfish, but now I have that lovin, and boy do I feel wonderful!

Do yourself a favor and stop torturing yourself. It's difficult to do, I know. I felt the same exact way that you do when my first (a son) was born when I was 26. I just did not feel any love toward him at all. At best there were occasions when I found him "cute" but for the most part I had not emotional attachment to him whatsoever. Strangers who approached us in the grocery store seemed to have more of a bond with my baby than I did. I felt awful, and like another poster stated I was afraid of becoming one of those "Andrea Yates" type of mothers as well.

In the end it took me a solid year before I bonded with my son. I am still mystified as to why.

I always try to be supportive when I hear of other women who go through this. It will pass and you are not a bad mother nor are you abnormal. Since that period of my life I have met many women with similar experiences. I wish I could give you a hug right now because you sound like you need it!