...get to the point at which you at least WANT to TRY to eat? I guess I'm having a little trouble with motivation, although one would think my two little boys are all the motivation I need. I've been eating disordered for a very long time - about 24 years (although there were a few fairly good years in there, around the time my sons were born). I had been doing pretty well for about eight years when this winter the bottom fell out again. In the past when I've gotten to this point the only thing that seemed to get me turned around was the hospital - and with my little ones now that is where I have to set a limit on treatment (I am back with my therapist and on an anti depressant - yet again). I WILL NOT leave my boys, even for a few weeks (my therapist is pushing inpatient, and if not that at least an IOP). I know that what I'm doing at the moment is not leading anywhere good. As my friend/unofficial "mentor" says, I'm pretty clearly self destructing. I've been eating about four hundred calories a day for the last three months, and have lost a lot of weight (I wasn't heavy to begin with). I go to therapy, have doctor's appt's that I keep faithfully - then come home and restrict away. There needs to be a MAJOR shift in attitude - I need to WANT recovery. I just don't know how to get there. Part of the problem is I simply don't want anything to do with eating - in spite of restricting - which is kind of different this time around (always before not eating led to thinking about food ALL the time, and eventually bingeing and purging). Sorry this is long - I just need something. Inspiration? Reason? A good strong kick? Maybe just a blind leap of faith...