hi
i am getting concerned about my mental state. i dont think its new, its just now past a point i can take. i have bad thoughts that are unwanted and i dont know where they come from. all i can think is that it is fear.
18 odd months ago crap started happening to my body. i just woke up one day and nearly fell to the floor with dizzyness. my skin was doing weird things, area around my eyes were black, i'd sweat, feel weak and my chest was tense and in pain. also my neck was tense and i would find it hard to talk, and felt like there was something in my throat. also, i would wretch, have nosebleeds and have weird feelings in my head, headaches and like i had pins and needles in the head and my face would feel numb. this lead to extreme hyperchondria. i thought i had anemia, angina, cancer, and a brain tumour. all doctors could find was chronic sinusitis which i still have.
i would go to bed every night thinking that i wouldnt wake up the next day. i would also start having thoughts like 'if i put my clothes infront of the wardrobe i'll die'. my nan died 4 months prior. she was the first person i knew to die. other things would be like 'thats gonna be the last thing you read before you die.' also felt at unease if i thought objects were 'out of place' (like a glass on the table should be a foot to the right) and had to move things otherwise i thought bad things would happen. they are not voices, they are thoughts.
several months later the thoughts would switch to spiking my food and drink. i would be intensely paranoid about people messing with my food. even to the extent i thought my own family and friends might do something to it.
these thoughts happen 90% of the time when i am alone, except the spiking ones. all my life i have felt alone and distant from everyone else. i have never been able to relax, always feeling anxious and frustrated. recently i met someone so incredible i want to spend the rest of my life with. were so in love. but am starting to become distant again and find it hard to connect.
could it be from feelings of uselessness? i always felt rejected by society and was born with health problems. women never liked me (always thought of myself as one with a face only a mother could love) and that depressed me a hell of a lot. also find it really difficult to understand that my girl loves me because of the way every single other woman has looked at me.
i just feel that on my own i am in one world of bad things happening, when i am with other people i am generally fine. i have low self esteem, and the thoughts are trying to say im a bad person always focuses on the negative side of things. i cant seem to think positively and appreciate the good things in life, because i know that in actuality i have many great things going for me. i am not happy when i should be. i just dont feel like myself.
any advice appreciated. i am going to start seeing a counsellor this week, would be nice to know whether seeing the doctor would be better.

It sounds to me that you have a bad case of anxiety. Everything thay you have written points to anxiety and low self esteem which would be helped by therapy/counselling.

take care
trg247

I agree, it sounds like intense anxiety attacks.
Perhaps your girl sees something beautiful in you, that you don't yet see in yourself.
Therapy couldn't hurt. It helped me, a lot.

thanks guys. have looked up generalised anxiety disorder and i agree it seems to explain pretty much everything that i wrote and did not write (i would be here forever and a day if i put everything down here). i hope the counselling helps. i started opening up a lot more to my girl. that should help too. any other suggestions for what might help such as alternative therapies? i really dont want to go down the road of conventional medication. i dont think that will address the issues at all

it sounds like OCD - check out the obcessions and ocd board here.
the unwanted thoughts are called intrusive thoughts.
good luck, you're not going to die! Fear is a symptom of OCD
:angel:

Oh hon. I agree. It sounds like OCD. OCD is an anxiety disorder, so that explains the anxiety you are having.

Thats crazy because though I dont have such severe symptoms I get all wigged out too and when I go to the doctors find out its just Sinusitis as well. I think it makes us feel weird and we associate that feeling with "oh no something must be wrong" therefor heightening our feeling of weirdness. Ive known Ive had anxiety too, I just cant stick to taking medicine very well. So Im thinking we are pretty much in the same boat and dealing with anxiety. I think the anxiety is what wears us down to the point of feeling useless.