bj's_mum
05-16-2006, 06:06 AM
hi to anyone out there that is unfortunate enough to come across my bad mood!
I havent posted here for ages but i read the boards, im thankfull to be able to do that as i have found a lot of comfort in them.
I dont know what im doing at the moment, where im going.. it all seems so straight forward you no.. I need to get my butt to the dr and say HELPPPPPP but.. i did, once, and then i didnt go back, felt stupid. now after like the 10th time of deciding not to take pills, ive done it again and although i feel relieved that i have them in my posession, i feel like a failure for not controlling myself because i know its harmful to my body, somehow the knowledge that not eating and taking unnessasary pills is harmful is outweighed by.. by.. um i dont know, its like, damned if i do, damned if i dont. If i dont take them then i feel and see myself getting fat and i hate it so bad, hate me so bad, but then when i am taking them, i bad for having to do so, but good at the same time. like, i no im not gaining so im doing good, but also when i go without i get the same, im not taking them so im doing good but then the whole fat thing just gets to much, the fullness does my head in, clothes that i could fit last week dont fit the next and it just goes over and over again, logically, i no what needs to be done but oh my gosh i am the bigest chicken i no - when will i wake up and drag my butt out of this hell hole that is apparently my life. sorry. just a little. peed off atm. at work today, someone told me i had more weight in my face, i no it was intended as a compliment because she added i looked better but i just wish people would shut there mouths sometimes, didnt want to hear that -sitting here feeling like the fattest person on the planet :(
I havent posted here for ages but i read the boards, im thankfull to be able to do that as i have found a lot of comfort in them.
I dont know what im doing at the moment, where im going.. it all seems so straight forward you no.. I need to get my butt to the dr and say HELPPPPPP but.. i did, once, and then i didnt go back, felt stupid. now after like the 10th time of deciding not to take pills, ive done it again and although i feel relieved that i have them in my posession, i feel like a failure for not controlling myself because i know its harmful to my body, somehow the knowledge that not eating and taking unnessasary pills is harmful is outweighed by.. by.. um i dont know, its like, damned if i do, damned if i dont. If i dont take them then i feel and see myself getting fat and i hate it so bad, hate me so bad, but then when i am taking them, i bad for having to do so, but good at the same time. like, i no im not gaining so im doing good, but also when i go without i get the same, im not taking them so im doing good but then the whole fat thing just gets to much, the fullness does my head in, clothes that i could fit last week dont fit the next and it just goes over and over again, logically, i no what needs to be done but oh my gosh i am the bigest chicken i no - when will i wake up and drag my butt out of this hell hole that is apparently my life. sorry. just a little. peed off atm. at work today, someone told me i had more weight in my face, i no it was intended as a compliment because she added i looked better but i just wish people would shut there mouths sometimes, didnt want to hear that -sitting here feeling like the fattest person on the planet :(