Hi!
I've recently realised I'm once again in a relationship where I have lost my self-respect and I'm practically begging to be loved. The guy I'm with unfortunatelly seems to either take advantage of it or feels jaded, because the longer and the more I ask, the less I get.
I'm asking, how do I recover my self confidence, my identity and self-respect?
This has happened to me way too many times and it seems to be a pattern destroying my relationships and myself....

Hi, I really shouldn't be giving advice, because before I met DH, I was the exact same way. But, I did realize after a while that what I needed was a break from men. I needed to find myself and to regain my self-confidence and love for myself before I could find someone to love me the way I wanted to be loved. How I got all of that back, I don't really know. But, a definate break from men and relationships helped a lot.

take back your life. Evaluate the stuff in your life and get rid of anything that is not positive.

take care
trg247

That's the position you put yourself in with relationships with the opposite sex, unfortunately.

Thanks for the answers!

wormiesaber, you got it right! I thought it was only my ex, that was trying to make me feel insecure, so he can 'secure me', but it seems now it's my current bf as well. I've heard the same thing from 2 different sources the last 2 weeks and guess who they were? My MALE friends. They said, men want to make you feel insecure, so you work harder on the relationship. Or they want a women to feel insecure, b/c they think that when a woman is happy and satisfied, she will leave! :eek:
I don't know where they get this!
Since I think every man is pretty much the same, I dont' think there's any point in running or switching them. I love my boyfriend, but he hurts me.
But it's ME that has to draw the line and decide how much I will hurt and let myself to be dragged around.
I love a statement that once Dr. Phil said: "You're bound to get hurt by any man, I've seen me do it".
He suggested, that if a woman wants to be with a man, she can pretty much expect to get hurt.
All I want to learn is, how to cope with it and not let 'minor things' destroy me....
I'm learning something though - the best way is to think like a man!

wow... thats exactly how i feel in my relationship. makes sense. makes total sense...

Are you a female?

yes i am. I keep going to my bf... for hugs, kisses.. and other stuff, but he's always too tired.. always just gives me little pecks.. hates french kissing etc. I feel totally undesirable...im completely insecure. I believe im good looking, but he just bashes me by not being interested...

Hey not all men are the same but there are a lot of men who will seem the same or act the same. You want to know your man or woman by asking tons of questions and being investigative. It is not all about making out and making small talk.

MoonStruckGirl,

What kinds of things do you and your SO like to do together? I'm not familiar with your situation (if you have posted other threads about it), so I'm wondering what the dynamics of the relationship are. Is he abusive? What does he do that bothers you?

I have just met a man that I am enjoying getting to know. We have been on three dates (including our movie date tomorrow), and he and I have only just hugged and talked a lot with eachother. I think that it's nice that I have found a person who wants to take things a little more slowly, get to know me, and get to know whether we are a good fit. I like this a lot, and I like that we are getting to know eachother as friends, rather than rushing into any relationship immediately. How long have you been in your current relationship? Perhaps you're pushing him too much too soon, and he isn't ready for it which is causing him to behave the way that he is?

~Colleen

Well, I've discovered that at the start of a relationship, men don't act like that because they are trying to impress you. It's only when he "thinks" he has you, that he starts acting like that. And it usually takes about 6 to 8 months to see this. True, anybody can try to work it out and stay with the person because it might not be any better on the other side of the fence. But why be a glutton for punishment everyday? And if he is hurting you, and your self esteem and self respect, what's the point of living - that's not getting respect or living fully. In fact, he may amplify his treatment just because he knows he can do this and she won't do anything about it.

Anyhow, it's your life. I personally would fall out of love very quickly with somebody who tried to belittle my self esteem and self respect.

But, on a postive note - there are good men out there too. Rare, but out there. I''ve had relationships that were very good, no bad treatment; some very kind. So that's why I don't hesitate to end a relationship. I believe about 85% of all males are basically insecure themselves when it comes to the opposite sex, and they actually believe putting her down will make her love him....????? Uh, no. She won't be happy at all. And one day when she wakes up and is 45 yrs old, reality will hit her and then she will say, why did I waste all those years on that jerk!? I wish males understood this. You have to TREAT HER RIGHT... or eventually.... SHE WILL LEAVE YOU. So LEARN how to treat a WOMAN, otherwise, she is simply going to hate your guts one day. And on a much sadder note...some men actually thinks she loves him more when she hates him. Logic anybody?

OMG, you all have such interesting things to say! I've been posting on the relationship forum, but most of the time I just get "you better get out, girl" kinds of responses and it gets tiring. I'm actualy somebody that tries to work things out, rather than quitting. I try to understand....

wormiesaber,
you're so right about the 6-8 months thing! Somehow it seemed he was way more eager in the beginning. To also answer Musical_Muse's question - we've been together for a year and a half now. Lived together a year. (and no, he's not abusive, but I've had one of those!)
We certainly had a lot of challenges and it took its strain on us. He's also 5 years younger - 25 - and the pressure of me demanding some maturity from him in terms of prefferences and focuses, I guess frustrates him a lot. He's more out there doing his thing, while I'm more into domestic issues and trying to engage him is an uphill battle. I get frustrated because he's not being helpful, then he gets frustrated because I nag him and he doesn't feel all that 'loving' toward me.
We have talked the other day about some of the things that he said and have hurt me in the past and he realises those were inapropriate and a 'mistake'. I explained to him that I need him to show more love, to be happy and he seemed receptive to it. (But we've had that discussion a lot) Although, I don't think I will see changes too quickly, but with patience and growing together, hopefully these can be achieved.
I have ruined some of my own self-esteem by being jealous and letting him see that I'm overly worried if he flirts, but I'm told I should ignore that and hold my own.
Also, if you are feeling the same, make sure you pay attention to the subtle things too - the way he's passing (or tossing) things to you, or the way he answers; and demand a proper way. I let those little things slide, but I realised too late that they - even if only little and probably unnoticed by him, but grouped together; made me feel like a dog. Well, no more!