hi.. my mom died this january of gastric cancer. i'm 20, college student, and completely independant now. Somethings have just been bothering me though...
when my mom died, I wasn't shocked. she had been sick for a year, of which i took a break from school to be with her. However, i had to leave to take care of the house for a while.. she was in china and i had to return to the states... while i was gone, she passsed away. I talked to her on the phone a couple times the few days before she died... i can still hear her agonizing voice saying "jessi, i'm dying"...and "be strong". (i have no father) i tried to hold back tears, but they just kept rolling... I was going to be there in a couple of days, back to her side... unfortunately, she passed before I got there. When i did arrive, we had a funeral... I didn't cry much at first... but whenever I would hear the song "Christmas Shoes", i would bawl... i would just completely break down. whenever i thought of her, i would cry like heck...i'm crying now even... but something still doesn't feel right... after my mom passed away, I had to deal with her husband (not my father), who hit her when she was sick. had a restraining order, and wanted all her assets... he made life so difficult for me, that i had to get my own restraining order against him just to sell my mom's own house... which he tried to take from us. Then, I have to get back into school after my year off... Then, I have bf problems and I live with him.. which makes it so much harder to break up. Then after that, I have an extremely crammed 1 bedroom apartment with 4 bedroom house furniture that i had to bring to college with me because I had to sell my mom's house. I'm so stressed. I thought I've griefed and gotten over it, because it seems i've fine... but now it feels like i haven't even started... because i was so busy dealing with other things... what's going on with me?

Hello, I was so sorry to read your mum. I lost my dad in 94 and then my mum's alcoholism got really bad and I was convinced I was going to lose her too. Luckily I managed to get her into rehab and by some miracle she's AOK now, but, I can definitely understand your fear and loneliness. If you're with an unsupportive boyfriend you really need to get away as soon as you can (by the sound of it you know this already). I know it's more difficult if you live with him but it's not impossible. Do you have any friends you can stay with? If I were you I'd try to not question why all these things have happened to you, I'd save your energy to try and deal with your grief and look after yourself as well as you can. It's just life I'm afraid and it happens to all of us sooner or later. Losing someone precious teaches us so how to love more unselfishly which is no bad thing. Be good to yourself :angel: .

vicky
x

I forgot to say that grief is a very strange surreal experience. One minute you're absolutely fine, the next you're howling like an animal in tremendous pain. It's all normal, there's no right way or wrong way. If you feel good, enjoy every minute of it and don't feel guilty - it doesn't mean you didn't love your mum. If you feel terrible, let yourself feel the pain and know it will pass. Don't expect to feel any particular way, it's a mad emotional rollercoaster ride that's full of twists and turns. Just take one day at a time and talk to people about it if you need to. Simplify your life as much as possible because stress overload will make the rollercoaster even more extreme!

thx for your post =) my emotions really do fluxuate... sometimes I think "you know, I'm handling this really well", the next day, i hear something on the radio, or I see something and I start feeling sad again.. =\

My dad died last Nov., I still have moments of realization that he is gone. It gets better with time, sometimes I swear I can feel him around me. Like another poster said, simplfy your life. Do you know what you want to do with her belongings? If you can't decide, put it in storage. Nothing is more stressful than living among clutter.Take some time to relax by yourself. If you need space, let your BF know that you need to get away from his own family drama. You can't just go full speed back into your previous life, it takes time to grieve.

So sorry to hear of your loss. I feel I can really relate. My mother and I were coser than I knew. It quickly became clear to me after she took her own life a little over a year ago. I had just moved away to go to college and things were looking up, then that happened. I rushed home to take care of my father. He is just lost without her- she did everything for him and after she was gone I literally had to teach him how to do the laundry etc. etc. He was always busy working and she always made sure to have a nice hot dinner waiting for him when he got home. Anyway, my point is that for months all of my energy was directed at comforting my Dad and brothers and my Grandmothers and everyone else who was very close to my Mother.

After a few months I had to get back to school- trying to study for a test and cry about my mother at the same time is just a joke! For me , I have to push my feelings aside just to make it through the day sometimes, then it all seems to hit me at once and I'll have a bad day or few days or week. It can be triggered by a dream, an old song or memory, or even certain scents. I miss her so much I feel my chest is caving in and that my heart is just breaking. I'm still waiting to get a grasp on all of this. Sometimes it will still hit me out of the blue that she is really gone.

Alot of what you wrote was familiar to me- just thought you'd like hearing that you really are not alone out there. Things have slowly been getting easier for me and once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of the old me comin around. I wish you all the best and hope you find comfort. I just found this site and it's the closest thing I have found to having anyone to talk to so I'm always up to speak with someone who has had similar experiences and I'll be here to talk to you if you ever feel you need it.

Monica