Several years ago, I was dating someone who had passed away unexpectedly. A few other young people who I knew had also passed away that year. Since then I have been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks. I have developed a horrible fear of death. The counselor I have been seeing said I may have suffered from PTSD. I was hoping she would help me seek some closure from my boyfriends death, but I haven't. I feel like I need closure because it was so unexpected and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I still don't think I have accepted his death and its been 6 years. Will anyone please give me some advise on how I can find acceptance and closure with his death. I'm so lost and don't know how do this. I never really had a chance to grieve, I just had to deal with it and move on. I want to heal from this and I hope it will also help with my own fears of death. Please help anyone!!! :confused:

:wave: Hi sweetpea, let me tell you the hardest thing you'll ever hear...closure is an illusion. You never get over someone you loved, you just learn that life is now different and that you will have to find a way.

People are either told or seem to believe that the only way to move on is to forget the one they lost...it won't happen and it shouldn't. They lived, loved, laughed, learned and when it was time, they were called Home.

I have been reading a lot of books by Sylvia Browne that explains this in such a peaceful way, with a sense of humor, and a light that makes you feel better about the fact that things do happen for a reason.

I most recently lost my mom...but, at 29, I've lost more than 50 people in my life...including, my dad, sis, bro, cousin (to rape/murder at 11 yrs old), another uncle to murder, one to electrocution, several to cancer, several friends to car accidents, suicide, you name it. It doesn't mean life will end, although on days, I wish I had a choice whether or not to wake up.

I know you can and will survive this, because you have already made it this far. But 6 years is a long time to hold on to this and I have a feeling you haven't moved passed the initial phase of denial....grief has distinct phases, the problem is, that although they follow a certain order, no one can find an exact time when one should end and another begin. It ends when it's ready and/or when we're ready to feel that phase and let it pass.

I will check back in, but for now, I have to do a few things, but know that you are in my prayers.....big hugs, Angel

:angel: Angel, Thank you so much...Its so comforting to know that someone understands and cares. I do think that I still am in the denial phase. There was so much I never got to tell him, but I do know his death did teach me a lesson. It taught me to always tell my loved ones how I feel about them and to never hold back my feelings.
One bad thing though, it made me fear death. I know its inevitable, but I just can't accept it. This has brought so many problems for me. I fear everything. I can't enjoy things I used to because I'm always afraid. Any advise??? I have been seeking help, but it just doesn't feel like I'm getting any. I don't know if I should change counselors or not. My counselor doesn't seem like she has the answers, maybe I want to much from her or maybe I have the answer within, I just have to realize it and believe in me. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers, as I will keep you in mine. :)

Hey there,

I'm not a professional of any kind but I do have some experiance in dealing with un-expected deaths. I lost my sister very suddenly, she was 21 and I was 15, and like you never had a chance to say the things I needed to. I carried this "guilt" for years, I felt bad for enjoying anything when she couldn't be there as well. this went on for about 15 years until I lost my father. it all came to a head when we were burying him in the plot next to my sisters. it dawned on me that I had never been to the cemetary since her death. I spent about 2 hours after my fathers funeral sitting there in the cemetary talking to her. it was then that I had "closure" and my life started over right then, I felt like a truck had been lifted off of me. my advice to you, take a day and go to the cemetary, sit and say EVERYTHING you feel. don't worry, he'll hear you. and don't rush it, just sit and talk to him.

I tend to have a little different belief system than most. It's gnostic...meaning, always searching. I have read several books by Sylvia Browne and found much of what she said made sense to me on a level nothing else has.

I do understand your fear of death. One particularly bad year, we lost 7 people....4 grandparents, one friend to car accident, another to suicide and another due to complications of epilepsy. I slept on my mom's floor that entire year and I didn't sleep much because I would watch over my sister and make sure she was breathing, and would sleep with my hand holding her wrist, to feel her pulse...if something was going to take her from me, I was going to at least fight back. She's now 27 and I know I didn't save her, but I felt I was at least being proactive in the situation. Now I know it was just utter terror and I didn't have anything to do with it...but it was all I could grasp onto that made sense at the time.

I believe that we have a pre-destined time to go Home and when it's time, it's time, doesn't matter where you are, what you're doing or who you're with, it will happen in one way or another.

I also believe in my heart of hearts (just like need to loose said) he can hear you. Talk to him, tell him everything you ever wanted him to know...of course once you make it to the other side, you know it all anyway....but it helps those of us stuck here, to say it out loud.

I send balloons to my mom, often...I write different messages on them and then just let them go. It helps so much. It feels like my own way of keeping in touch....not quite e-mail, but it will have to do! LOL

As for your counselor, if you don't feel a connection, then it may be time to find another....sometimes you just don't click with certain people. But also, in such a deep grief, you may not click with anyone...because you're searching for answers to make sense of what is unexplainable to your heart at this time and probably will be for quite some time.

I have to run now, but I will keep praying that you find peace and love and the sooner the better! I will check back shortly...have to actually do some work now!

Angel

I love the idea of writing a message on a ballon and letting it go. I've been readin lots of grief books and they say that it can be helpful to have a ritual to help with "closure". Going to the cemetary to talk or releasing those baloons are great ideas for a ritual.

I've been thinking about putting together a scrap book, not only as part of a ritual, but a way to contain my positive memories so that I can look at it when I need to be reminded of good things.

When my mom was dying and after she had died, I experienced tremendous anxiety about death. Every ache and pain I felt, I knew it was cancer and I was dying...yet here I am. I have also spent a lot of time trying to find the meaning of life and death. Why do we strive to better ourselves when it will all be gone? What is the point? My mom had finally acheived a dream of hers, opening a craft and gift shop, only to die of cancer 3 years later. I watched as things she found joy in before, no longer held her interest. Like others, I have turned to reading books about death and mediums, trying to find proof that my mom is somewhere, doing the crafts and gardening she loved before cancer took her joy away.

Thank you all for your replies, they have really helped put me at some ease. I really think that going to the cemetery and talking to him would help. I haven't talked to him in a long time especially about how I really felt about him and us. I used to go a lot after his death, but haven't been there in years and its only a second away. The weird thing is, I don't think I have ever been there on my own. Why do you think that is? It's like I am afraid. I'm kinda afraid I'll run into his mother. But I'm gonna go...soon. Thank you all once again so much, it's so comforting to know that people out there care to help others out. I don't feel as if I could talk to any of our friends who also grieved his death, they have all moved on. :angel:

not wanting to go on your own is a normal reaction, being with someone else is kind of a defense mechanism, afterall, you can hardly fall apart with someone else standing right there. but the falling apart is whats needed, you will feel soo much better once you deal with the emotions that are bottled up inside.

take care and be well.