I have a dilemma. My daughter, 40, has used recreational drugs for 25 years and she never had a boyfriend since then who was "clean." Three months ago she met a man who openly tells you he has been "in and out of recovery for 28 years." He says he shot cocaine and heroin and that he's an alcoholic also. He lives with her and my grandson, eight, and has for a month in another state. My DD actually moved away to be near him. He does have hepatitis C and no children.
I do not want to be a cold, rejecting shrew and I'm by no means perfect but they are coming to our house in early June for two days. His mother lives here in town and they're on good terms. She is sixty five.
How should I approach this? Welcome him with open arms (he knows I've warned her many times that he can't make her happy, that he has other girlfriends and has hepatitis, etc) or tell her to make him stay away? Again, I want to do what's right but this man has fallen off the wagon for decades and kept her car for three days , three times, when he was using a few months ago. I want to think he's a good influence on her son but it's so difficult for me to believe it. He's a gentle, quiet type of man who (still) takes "recovery" and AA very* seriously but it sort of scares me. He is wanted by the police for failure to appear in court a month ago; he simply left town. They found drug paraphernalia in his car. thank you in advance for any advice and opinions.

Unfortunately, you cannot make your daughter do anything. It is her life and she can live it the way she wants. But the one thing that she cannot do and that is subject her son to all of this. Every state has some kind of Child Welfare. If you believe that your grandson could be in harms way, by their using drugs, call the police and let them know what you have told us here. He is the one I would be totally worried about. Maybe you can get custody of him until they both clean up their act.

thanks so much for replying. They are going to AA meetings together, he more than she, and he has been clean for a month. My daughter told me she is also clean because if she isn't , he will up and leave her and she panics at the thought of it.
The police will not do anything whatsoever UNTIL physical or sexual abuse has already occurred. I tried that before they started the meetings. They said that if they went to all the houses where the adults either drink and use drugs OR used to do those things--they don't have the manpower to do it.
In summary, they're both trying to get clean but neither has a good track record.

my experience with drug addict daughter is pain, misery and heartbreak,your thread doesnt sound so bad, if you think she is a fit mother,and some addicts can be,and you have an ok relationship then my advice is dont spoil it,give them the benefit of the doubt,and who knows one day they may succeed,it also gives you an oportunity to see your grandson in thier company and determine wether he is happy or not,only my opinion and we all think differently,sad mum

sad, mum, thank you. I assure you that my experience with this daughter has been pain, misery , anger and heartbreak. For many years. She was getting worse with the sleeping or being in bed most of the day, neglecting her son, crying over boyfriends, being broke. It seems liike the minute she started living with this man and going to AA she changed overnight. Not that we have a good relationship; she contradicts herself all the time and it drives me nuts. You can't trust a word she says because you KNOW that in a few hours or the next week she'll say the opposite. Something else she does is, she'll have something of mine and always say, "you gave it to me, mom; you are senile. You forgot." Or, she'll say, "you hoard your jewelry." Excuse me?
Am I supposed to let HER wear the jewelry my father in law gave my mother in law in the 1960's?? Lord, what a terrible thought. She also destroys things. Ok, I know they're just "things." But how can she buy a gorgeous purse that I'm crazy about--then in 3 months it's totally trashed? It's like things get run over by tractors. She goes, "you've never liked my friends."
No Kidding!! Her "friends" are rude, obnoxious thieves. They're into welfare fraud, DUI's, drugs. I LOVE my other daughter's friends--she's 36. She's never touched a cigarette!! So just a flavor of how "well' we get along. I predict my husband will not let her BF in here. It looks kind of like a gift shop. LOL Again, I do not want to be horrible but I do Not trust this man. I bet I have her son for the entire summer. She's already hinting.
I had him for spring break; then for weeks he took the school bus from our house. he said he wasn't going back to her but he did, willingly. I really thought he'd not go. He seemed so determined to stay with us. But , off he went to an old, 3rd floor apartment after living out in the country for 4 years. :rolleyes:

no,hearing the full story,do not disrupt your lives to accomodate her,let your grandson stay but tell them they will have to make other arrangments,and dont feel guilty or beat yourself up about it,sad mum

they were going to stay 2 days, tops. They are both sober. So you still think we should refuse them? He knows how we feel about him so he'll PROBABLY stay at his mother's house (I hope). But I can't see turning my daughter away.

seems like your kinda in a rock and a hard place. I understand what you mean about your jewlery and such and if you dont trust them just tuck it away in a safe place while they are there. Even if they are clean you dont want to take a chance on something coming up missing. You know what I mean? It will just cause more anger and hurt. I also understand not wanting to turn her away and I wouldnt just protect yourself. Keeping fingers crossed that maybe he will stay at his moms you dont want to put more strain on an already strained relationship with your daughter. She will defend her man, you know how that goes. you dont want to hear the if you dont accept him than you dont accept me or my life speach either. Follow your instincts and do what you think is right. Good luck with everything and let us know. Kim

IT'S your house and you make the call. If you feel uncomfortable, don't do it. you should never ever feel that way in your own home. Drug test them both before they come in your house.........ha...wouldn't that tick them off......you have to go with your gut feeling.......it's always right.

Although I am not a mom, I am an addict and I have been sober for almost 2 years now. I was sober for 2 years and relapsed. I have seen what my addiction and my siblings addiction has done to my mom. From what I alone have experienced I personally would tell him no. It is your house and you do make the final call. Addicts when using, or just sober, can NOT be trusted period. I understand that it would be difficult to turn your daughter away, but sometimes we addicts need tough love. My parents gave gaurdianship to a long term intensive drug rehab centre when I was 13. It was the best thing they could have done for me and them. It all has to stop somewhere, the only question is where??

It is your call and I truly hope everything works out for you!

Best of luck

chicken84, I am astonished that you, as an addict, would be so upfront and
honest and not defensive! That you'd actually advise me to not let him in.
She has known him for about 7 months, when they met he was going to AA. Then he stopped and relapsed; found himself in a motel room in new orleans after katrina, had no idea where he was or how he got there. I really, really hate acting superior and cold which is how I would appear refusing him to come over. My other daughter said he was "casing the joint" for theft. She has never met him. I am so upset over this, feeling so rotten I couldn't sleep last night. I don't know whether I should explain hepatitisC to my grandson or not. Whether to tell him that sharing toothbrushes is the easiest way to transmit the virus and that it is MUCH MORE easy to contract than AIDS.
I mean, my grandson is living with this man . My daughter has used his toothbrush on numerous occasions, knows he's sick, that his drug of choice is IV cocaine but still wants to be with him. And another thing: he has made it perfectly clear to her on several occasions that he has NO INTENTION OF EVER BEING FAITHFUL TO ONE WOMAN. This is the kind of statement that "grabs" my daughter--making her want to "be the only one" and sort of win the war. I'm just sick.
You say from "what you know" that I should not let him in. What did you mean by that? May I ask? thanks so much.

thank you, all. chicken84, from what you know you would not let him in due to your experiences. What kind of things might happen if I Did let him stay?
I so appreciate your honesty about yourself and you have valuable knowledge to share.
She called and they have gone to spend the weekend at the ocean with my grandson. Once again, thanks so much.

hi,
sounds like your daughter has gone from the frying pan, to the fire. This man sounds like he's a waste of time, he'll never be clean, and out of all of this the thing i feel strongly about is your grandson, poor little chap.
what a life it must be for him, and what terrific role models they both are for him,
imagine never truly connecting with the one person that's supposed to love you more than all others?
it makes me very sad for him.what future has he got?
i have a lot of experience with addicts, and they are a truly self centered lot,
if only they knew the damage they were inflicting on those around them,but they are too busy wallowing in pain.

thats exactly what I thought: he's entirely self-centered, wallowing in his misery.
It takes an immature girl w/a mixed up value system to be So in love w/a man like this. She has had much older men for friends, he looks old in many ways and he "sighs" a lot, very quiet guy, not quite attainable and tells great stories acc. to her. He actually told her, "my doctor said I'd die if I didn't live by the ocean" like she's got the cash to fix him up?? Well, that was 4 mos ago and he's still alive. My GS is welcome to spend summer with us--but he hasn't asked or called. I guess he likes having his 5th "father figure" living there. Gives him a false sense of family. I agree he'll never be clean. Never is a long time but 28 yrs sober, not sober, in jail, then a drug counselor .

From what I have done to my parents and other people I cared about when I was using, was I would steal money or anything valuable that I could get money or drugs for. My mom and step dad were always keeping their things under lock and key when they knew I was comming over. He would steal anything he could that would be valuable.

That is just what I would do and all other addicts I know. I hope that this has helped you some. Best of Luck!!

thanks so much, chicken, but would you steal if you were in "recovery" as he has been for 28 yrs? Not that I trust him one bit.

He has been in and out of recovery for 28 years if I am correct??

If that is the case, then yes I still would. He hasn't taken it seriously enough to stay clean and sober over the last 28 years. He is still with sick people and he is still sick himself. Us addicts are great manipulators and we can make people think we are changing and that things are good, gain your trust and then we will screw you over as soon as we can. Any addict that is using or newly sober can not be trusted. This is just my experience again.

This is only my second post on this site, but here goes!
After reading the posts here, I guess it occurs to me that you aren't even sure if the two of them will be staying with you or his mother, am I correct?
Perhaps before you get too upset about it, maybe just mention to your daughter that you are just wondering if they will be staying at your home or his mothers when he visits. Then you can see if you even have to worry about it, and it causes no hurt feelings if he wasn't planning on staying in the first place. This can be a very difficult situation , and could pull you and your daughter apart if not dealt with the right way, because it sounds like she would pretty much stick up for him above anyone else (sad but probably true) because she is most likely feeling like he is the "only person in the world who understands what she is going through".
But if you do have to decide after that, I would suggest that if you don't feel safe about allowing him to stay, then tell her so. Explain that their sobriety is too new for you to yet trust. It's your home, and if you and your husband don't feel comfortable about it, then don't allow it!
This advice is coming not only from a mother of 4 daughters who are grown, but also from an addict who could bull**** anyone back when I was using. I'm sorry, but it takes time to believe in someone who has continuously hurt you, lied to you, and stolen.
Good luck to you!

thanks to both of you. Yes; I meant to say he has been in AND OUT of recovery for 28 yrs. And it was just 3 months ago that he took my daughter's car for 3 days; she saw it going down the main drag, drove up to it and started yelling, '"YOU BETTER GET OUT OF MY CAR; THE COPS ARE COMING RIGHT NOW!!" and she said about 30 guys ran top speed away from the car, one of them jumping over a high fence with that coiled barbed wire on top!! Her BF wasnt even in the car!! So, her dad took it away from her.
She says her BF was "just impaired then; I understand" (vomiting sounds)
My husband said to tell her this one: "um, I don't feel comfortable having him over here after all the terrible BUT TRUE things I said about him so , no, he can't come." Which is right; who wants to be around someone (and cook for them and provide a bed for them) to whom you've accused of being a total loser? I slandered this man from one end down the other to her via email. Besides; I'd be harboring a wanted man.
His teeth are all broken off and brown and I heard on tv that that is from METH. He blames his entire life on a vietnam vet who gave him his first fix when he was in 12th grade. I believe my kids would have raced for the door in horror if someone had offered them such a thing.

We addicts seem to always have something to blame our wrongdoings on, whether it is the vietnam war or someone else like he is, or, as I always did, a horrible childhood and alcoholic parents. We, as adults, are the only ones who make the CHOICE of what we do and who we become.
Losers such as him will never stand up like a man and accept responsibility for anything they do, and obviously at his age he has proved this.
I think it is sad that your daughter wants to "save him as no one else could" (I know this because I have also been there...done that). She doesn't realize that the only person who will ever be healthy for her is a MAN who takes responsibility for his actions, and teaches her by example that she must also!
By the way, did I miss something? You said you would be "harboring a fugitive"?

The fact that you would be harbouring a wanted man should be reason enough not to allow him to stay. Apologize to your daughter, but set your boundries as well. I agree with the previous poster, that you should be cautious with your words to her for it could pull you 2 apart more...

hi guys,
and thanks. He was found driving w/drug paraphernalia in his car 2 months ago and never went to court. He left town rather than face a judge (again)
and that is where my daughter traveled for 11 hours on a bus to meet him.
Now he's living in her apartment . She says he helps with the bills and I know he buys her clothes and her son, toys.
I try not to think about it much but she will go off the deep end when he leaves on a binge again. The BF she had before this one moved out on her
and she was so traumatized (he paid ALL the bills) that she went to the ER twice telling her son "I'm dying" and (I can't forgive this) he got so worried he chewed his sleeve, chewed his lip until there was a bump and kept running to the bathroom and he was SEVEN. I got the impresson she expected him to somehow "make it all better." As in, take care of her. I tell him you cannot do that; you're just a kid, sweetie. She used to tell me "he's an adult; he can do it" when he was FIVE. This child (hate to brag) is in all gifted classes, is incredibly beautiful (everyone says he looks like a girl) and has this amazing vocabulary. So he ends up with a father who is a crack addict who hasn't called him in 3 years. He told me it was the worst part of his life having him for a "dad." I swear I know his father and he is a sweet person! I'm dead serious! He's very loving and sweet but he ditches his children and does drugs. Her friends are starting to die off now; I saw this coming. One of them who is happy now is (what is referred to as) a Born Again Christian. The rest of them are struggling against drugs or have died or been arrested. AND SHE DOESN'T SEE A CONNECTION between drugs and death/jail?? Again, her sister is "normal." That is, a nurse w/a great job, 2 great kids, hard working husband.
They rarely speak.

Hi Susan,

There are those differences in the family with siblings and this disease. I can understand that your daughter doesn't see the connection. She is an addict, all she can see is things that concern her and what she wants. She will go to any lengths to get what she wants. Addicts, when using, have no sense of reality or and sort of logic. All we see is the next high, who is going to take care of us, and where will that person come from? Or where our next high will come from and what we have to do to get it. It is a sad thing, but unfortunatly, thats what this disease does to people. I truly hope your daughter will see the light and get some help. The crappy thing is, with all she has been through, she hasn't had enough pain to want something better. I pray your daughter gets some help and that your family can all over come this.

Thank you, chicken (seems like an insult to call you that).
She called me last night with one of her super manipulation phonecalls.
It had to do with wanting her parents and sister to accept her BF .
"Mom, I'm trying to be a better person. I want to help YOU become a better person and not look down on those with problems. (she never mentioned HIS name thru the whole lecture). "We are supposed to love everyone equally; (this next is weird)>"if I hadn't told you about what he has done you wouldn't know. He is a wonderful person; he could be famous! god has let him live to help others. You and I are mother and daughter for a 'reason.' We're here to learn from each other. Don't you believe in Karma?
He bought me so many new clothes and he gives me money everyday! I just wish you could know him better ; so many people love him. He gets calls from DOCTORS AND LAWYERS wanting to know how to quit drugs! I'm trying to improve myself; I haven't gone for a week without weed in 25 yrs until I met him. Isn't that good? Oh, he doesn't like MEN; he likes women! I wish you could like everyone the same."
I was so stressed out after this because she talks so fast I can't get much in. I told her that yes, she's right; I like some people More than others!!
And that I was too old to change but I was glad she was becoming kinder.

Susan,

It is great to hear that you stayed strong throughout the conversation with your daughter. That is one of the hardest things to do when someone you love is an active addict!! My sister has done many of those same converstaions. She may have gone a week with out smoking weed, but what does she spend the money on that he gives her everyday? I am glad to hear that she is trying to be a better person, I wish the best for her and her son. I also wish the very best for you!

wow ,i have been in your shoes many times.my daughter it seems will not date a man unless he has a criminal background.well the last one pushed my granddaughter and i now have custody of her because they got him for child endagering.let me tell you this guy,was sweet talking i tought for awhile boy she found a decent one.i pulled his record and it wasnt to long before he showed his true colors.you have every right to be concerned for your daughter and your grandson.as you probably know your daughter is an adult and will do what she wants such as mine but the little ones are the ones that suffer.my daughter just overdosed she is alive and i am trying to get her help but i have my granddaughter, thank god because i couldnt sleep worrying about her every nite.you should try to spend some time with your grandsone alone if you can and get a feel for how things are from his point of veiw.these drug addicts will put any kind of spin they think you will believe but when you hear it from a child,i belive that is what is important.let him know you just want to know his feelings on the guy his mom is living with and that you really care.i wish i could tell you more.but i feel for you greatly.
good luck

I know how you feel - you love your daughter and you want to give her dignity by letting her and her new man stay at your house. It isn't just about saving the hotel room costs. You don't want to insult your daughter who probably has low self-esteem as it is.

That said, your primary responsibility is to your household and the people in it.

Drug addicts are bad news. Sure, they are not 100% evil, but drug addicts are Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. When the addiction starts screaming at them, addicts can do very bad things and have little consciences. Addiction causes nice people to abandon their dignity and steal anything from anybody - and you don't want them abandoning their dignity in your house.

Don't allow your daughter's addict boyfriend stay in your house. First of all, you put your family and your belongings at risk. Second, every time something turns up missing, you will question if it MIGHT have been your daughter or her boyfriend who "took" it. That can cause strain in your relationship which is probably already has some stress.

You are not at all obligated to provide lodging for your daughter or her man. If she complains, tell her I said so.

Good luck.

hi! My GS is coming on June 6th to stay 2 weeks with us. He is extremely verbal and will tell me everything. He might end up staying longer; it's happened before. I expect to hear nothing negative about this man; my daughter has taught him to love everyone the same (esp if someone buys you presents) :rolleyes: I don't think he actually WANTS to come visit his boring grandparents.
The guy is going to "visit his mother" acc. to my DD which means he won't be with us, thank heavens. :)