Hi guys

My dad is a type2 diabetic...he's verging on obese, and for lack of a better term, he's an alcoholic. Not a pretty combination.

Anyway, I thought being diagnosed with diabetes might spur him into some action to do something about his weight and drinking problems. It's safe to say I was wrong. He tried for a week to cut his drinking down, but now he's back to at least 1 bottle of red per night. He doesn't seem interested/scared enough to stop drinking or to start an excercise program.

He may be ready to give up, but I'm not. I am willing to do anything within my powers to get him back on track. I know all too well that you can't help someone until they decide to help themselves, but I'm afraid I can't just sit back and watch him deteriorate.

Unfortunately I think I might intimidate him in terms of health - I'm super health conscious and spend a lot of time excercising, so he probably sees the gap between his level and mine as just 'too hard' to bridge at all. I wish I knew how to reassure/encourage him without patronising him...especially hard considering I'm his daughter and (in his eyes), he's meant to be guiding me through the tough spots! When it comes to accepting help from others, he's very stubborn!

So I guess I'm just after some advice...anything! If any of you have ideas, I would be so appreciative.

I wake up every morning and check in on my dad just to make sure he's still breathing...it's no way to live http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif



------------------
Don't believe everything you know

I know I,m not going to be much help, but whay can you do with someone who won,t take care of themselves? As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can,t make him drink. The first problem is with his alcohol, can you get him to AA? That does have to be conquered first. I sympathize with your concern for him, it can,t be easy watching him destroy himself when he can live a longer, healthier life if he takes care of himself. Would he read literature about the horrible complications of diabetes if left out of control, and also the effects of too much alcohol on the liver? If he doesn,t want to help himself I,m afraid you have an uphill battle.

Unfortunately, until your father takes personal ownership of his disease, there is no help, guidance or support you can give him that he will take. He needs to go through a specific process of emotional adjustment in order to get to this stage and begin to deal with his diabetes in a proactive and constructive manner. The steps to this grieving process are as follows:

1--Denial and isolation: “No, not me. It cannot be true.” Refusal to accept the reality of it.
2--Anger: When denial can no longer be maintained, it is replaced by anger, rage, envy, and resentment . “Life is not fair!” “Why me?” One feels a loss of control.
3--Bargaining: “If you’ll just let me...” Making deals with oneself.
4--Depression: “What difference does anything make anyway?” Rage and anger are displaced with sense of loss.
5--Acceptance: Dealing with the condition as a task of daily living, accepting its requirements and limitations, and reaching a state of thankfulness at being able to cope and regain mental and physical health.

Until your father does the hard emotional work of moving through these stages, finally ending up in acceptance, there is nothing you can offer him that he will accept.

Michael
Type 1 since 1965

If your Dad is an alcoholic (and it does sound as if this may be the case), then everything Mikelbear says also applies to his alcoholism.

Have you considered attending Alanon meetings? Alanon is for the families of alcoholics, to help them deal with their own feelings about trying to help the family member who refuses to help himself. It might be very helpful to you to meet other people who are dealing with these same issues in life.



[This message has been edited by SamQKitty (edited 10-04-2003).]

I am willing to do anything within my powers to get him back on track. I know all too well that you can't help someone until they decide to help themselves, but I'm afraid I can't just sit back and watch him deteriorate

Parents rarely listen to their children in matters such as these, even when their children are adult and credentialed. Perhaps you could enlist the help of his best male friend.

As others have mentioned, he needs to own his problem/disease before moving to treatment and recovery. Stick with it; he'll get there.

Pat

Hi there,

I can totally relate to your feelings. My father is also diabetic (type 2). He isn't obese or anything but he doesn't take a lot of things seriously. For example, he almost doesn't follow his doctor's recommendations with regards to diet changes. He does take his medication for blood sugar reduction but I once caught him eating cream off a cake. He also likes all things made of flour (bread etc) which his doctor advised to cut out.

The problem as I see it is that health conscious people are prepared to do what it takes to be healthy. And it takes a lot of willpower and commitment. Other people are just driven by their habits and they will go into denial of the highest degree just so that they don't have to give up what they're used to.

I mean my dad smoked for 25 years. He appears to have given up now but do you think he gave up when he was diagnosed with diabetes? No way ! He only gave up when his diabetic neuropathy (that's nerve damage resulting from diabetes) got so bad that he now most of the time feels that his extremities are numb.

I guess it's also possible that when people are diagnosed with a serious illness like diabetes which is very debilitating in many ways, they also get depressed in which case, as you said, they sort of give up.

Unfortunately, there isn't a great deal you can do in terms of actually forcing your father to change. Perhaps, what you could do for a start is to buy some book on diabetes written in a clear English for ordinary people (not doctors) and leave it in his house "by accident". But don't say anything like "read it" as it's not going to work. Even if that book just lies on his desk for months on end, eventually he might open it out of curiousity. There probably has to be a person keeping an eye on him. I'm lucky in that my mum makes every effort to make sure my father takes his medication and watches what he eats and even then we have a lot of arguments about bread and forgetting about medicine.

Diabetes is 7th biggest killer disease in the US along with heart disease and many other things. So, maybe if you get your dad a book that says all these things, he might just get scared and start getting his act together. Well, sorry, for lack of useful advice. Just wanted to say I understand how you feel and good luck with your dad.

Sarez & others http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

It appears there are 3 of us 'kids' (3 separate threads) posting concurrently about our parents- and all obviously share in that WE we want to hold onto their lives- and the quality of their lives. We wonder why they don't appear to feel the same way. We looked up to them to be wise, strong and responsible when we were growing up & in need of their help, guidance and protection. We want to offer them the same - within our power. We want them to now be wise, strong and responsible in their health crisis. Do they not see it as a crisis? Between these 3 threads- there is enough convincing information for a parent to wake up. I know if my daughter wrote this information, I would.

Perhaps- it would be good if we printed the following threads from the kids: this one('How do you help'), 'How serious is diabetes' and 'Dad Recent DX DiabII'- & either mailed or gave these to our diabetic parent- along with a note or letter from us - brief yet telling them how we feel - that WE are suffering, worried, and need their help in letting us know how we can help them in their diabetic plight. We want to help them prevent the things that will happen to them if they don't start taking charge of their disease - NOW. These threads prove we love them and YES - this is a disturbing wake up call - but a hopeful one too - in that it's not too late for them - IF they start NOW - that we're here & will walk the hard walk along side of them - (tell us how we can help - according to our capability, budget, circumstances - like Sharon does with cooking - or perhaps with diabetic supplies- or buying cookbooks,info,encouragement,walking with them,-whatever they can brainstorm as to our part in their conviction/committment to controlling their health/destiny to the extent they have control). We can make this a time of spending time with them, sharing laughter & making it a pleasant,sharing experience.

Since this often runs in families, and may one day be our own battle - this could be their call & challenge in showing US by example how to persevere & thrive in spite of this dealt hand.

Best wishes to all - in health & happiness for you & yours!