My dad passed away in Jan. 06 having had Alzheimers and it took a period of four days from when his shallow breathing alerted the nurses to call us. Over those days, although he had had a bowel infection, it was apparent he was going to die and although one day he seemed better he continued on to die. I really loved my Dad and during this time held his hand and talked over him with my mom, sometimes my younger 13 year old daughter and sometimes my husband wherein we would talk about good times to him. As his breathing struggles got worse and he heaved day after day with his chest I held his hand and cried please don't go. I don't know why I said this if I knew he was dying because at the end a nurse told my mom and I while having a small break outside his room "perhaps we should tell him its okay to go".

I still feel stunned and terribly upset that i failed to know that I should have known to say this. It just didn't seem real that he was actually going and I just didn't want to lose him. To think that what was a four day struggle of incredible deep deep breathing and holding my hand, until it went limp and he took list last breath, was him trying to stay alive, makes me feel so badly that he was doing this. I know most professionals say the dying have their hearing as the last thing to leave them and I therefore assume he heard me begging him not do die.

I feel so badly I can't describe it. Having lost my first child at 38 weeks intrauterinely I can't figure out what happened that I didn't figure out that it was perfectly natural for him to leave and better (which i do know) since he was just recently bedridden with his Alzheimers and the bowel germ. I wish I had known something about death; I am 46 years and can't figure out how I got this far in life and knew so little of how I should have acted for him.

Maybe I just need someone to tell me its natural to do this or not know what I should have or that the nurse was giving me instructions I could not have possibly enacted or that would have made a difference. All I know is that I feel like not only having lost him is terribly painful but the incredible error I made in making him hang on. It was four days and nights steady of this process and when we were not there he did it alone....I was there a lot but now cannot grasp what was I thinking...he was dying...why did I say such a thing and possibly pressure him.

For anyone who has yet to face this, an understanding of dying is really something one must read about as I feel the nurse was letting me know the error of my ways and therefore I wouldnt want anyone to feel what I do now for having made such a terrible mistake.

oh nero, what a hard hard time. my mom died sunday from alzheimers (i HATE that disease) and it sounds like her final days were very similar to your dad's. her breathing became more shallow and labored over the last several days, and believe me, we had told her for a full week it was okay to go. that last day we all (my sibs and i) decided to leave the house (errands; a walk; etc) to give her space so she could let go alone but she kept hanging on until we all went upstairs and started discussing what kind of service to have afterwards. it is EXTREMELY common for people to die when nobody is in the room with them - i have heard this many times in my life and many times over the last week. my sibs and i were even trying to figure out "is it different with alzheimer's - maybe with the confusion she'd PREFER to have someone with her"? but in the end, she chose a moment alone. i don't know how it's orchestrated, but it happens all the time. your dad may've held on a bit longer, but it couldn't have been much because of what his body was going through. his ending just doesn't sound like it was more drawn out than usual. or, it's possible that your dad's spirit knew you weren't going to be ready anytime soon, so he didn't hang on longer at all b/c he knew his body couldn't sustain it. at this point we just can't know. i think you have to make a decision about what to do with this - i encourage you to think about what your dad might say to you. i doubt he'd want you to beat yourself up about it, esp since we don't know for sure that he even did hang on any longer. and if he did, so be it. i'm choosing not to think about the weeks of untreated pain my mom was in...what purpose would that serve? she wouldn't want me to beat myself up. nero, let yourself feel your dad's loving arms around you, telling you he's okay, and not to feel bad....that he understands you were scared to let him go, and he's okay now.

i think most people don't know that it's helpful to give a dying person permission to let go - i only knew b/c i'm a social worker and have studied this stuff. but believe me, i have my own reason to feel guilty - my brother and i got in a huge fight shortly after they took my mom from the house. my sister was heartbroken, thinking about mom's spirit feeling upset about the turmoil. i think this is where we have to turn to our own spirituality because my assumption about it is that after we die, we're in a place of such deeper understanding about things that our spirits only experience love.

be good to yourself -

Hi Nero,
Don't fell guilty, no one wants to let go, you probably never even thought of telling him to let go because for one, your mind is totally dysfunctional at a time like that, no one thinks straight and that is why they have those special medical people who guide us. I know you Dad is in a better place now and he is not sick any more, Some day when it's your turn to go, he will he waiting for you with opens arms :angel: . and a big smile on his face.
Karen W.

Thank you all for the insightful words from your personal experiences. I have been thinking a lot today about the way I have sublimated this since his death and feel somewhat better knowing that all of you have had experiences and reacted in various ways. I just want to try and understand so that I can unfortunately know what to do if the situation presents itself to me again with my elderly mother. I know I can rise above this as you all have and I have a family to take care of with my hubby but I would be lying if I didn't say that as old as I am this experience really did traumatize me and I need some time to get over it. You all take care now and thank you from the bottom of my heart. :wave:

nero it is normal to not want to let your dad go because that is love. But don't blame your self for it. just be thankful that he is in heaven now and that you will see him again someday and he will be waiting for you.

Nero -

It is normal not wanting your dad to die. Honestly it is and your reaction is 100% normal and humaine. My dad died 28 Dec 06 due to respiratory failure. He couldn't talk to me only mime things and I didn't want him to die. I wouldn't admit he was going to die and when he did, I tried to do CPR on him to bring him back. But the nurses holded me back because I was so distraught and shaking like a leaf and couldn't stop crying and begging him to come back. It was my dads wish to be resucitated but the doctors refused his wish. I keep thinking that if I fighted the nurses and performed CPR, he would be with me today or would of lived a little bit longer. I carry the guilt of that around with me but I know that it wasn't my fault and it was his time to go. I'm not very religious but I think that if God takes someone then it must of been their time to go. I dont know if this is any help to you but your not alone and feeling guilty is a natural reaction to the death of a loved one. Take care.