Hello everyone --

I have psychotic depression and am really in a bad way at the moment. I hear voices in my head (mostly whispering and my name being called out) and am virtually incapacitated by a deep depression. I sleep for most of the day because I simply can't face the outside world; my bed is the only place I feel (relatively) safe. I'm unemployed (I left my last job becuase I couldn't cope) and so have absolutely nothing to do all day. I am currently seeing a p-doc and am on meds (abilify and remeron); but they're not working. My next appointment with my p-doc is on the 31st of this month. I think he's going to change my meds -- again. I'm only 24 and am terrified that I'm going to suffer from depression for the rest of my life; that I'm never going to get over this wretched disease. At 24 I should be out there with my friends enjoying life; this should be one of the most happy and carefree periods of my entire life -- but it isn't. I feel so guilty about feeling this was as in many ways I'm extremely lucky. I have a nice family, graduated last year from a top university, have quite a lot of friends; but inside I'm dying. I'm currently working with a psychotherapist and have discovered how certain things that happened to me when I was younger are contributing to my depression. For example, my ex-girlfriend had an abortion; and I feel a crippling amount of guilt and grief over it. Although I sometimes feel that we did the right thing (we were very young at the time -- only 15), most of the time I feel that we killed a baby and that I need to be punished severely for it. Actually, I feel as though I'm beyond redemption; that we killed a baby and that there's no earthly way that I can ever make amends for it; that because we killed a baby I deserve to feel this depressed -- that in a way my psychotic depression is a fitting punishment. That's why I think that I'll always be depressed -- because in a sense my depression is a self-imposed punishment for my ex-girlfriend's abortion. The only way in which I could make amends for what happened would be if, somehow, the baby could be brought back to life; but of course it can't. I've tried to work through these issues with my therapist; but to no avail -- I still feel just as depressed as I did when I started working with him over a year ago. I just can't see any way of coming to terms with my ex-girlfriend's abortion. I'm an atheist and not in the least religious, so I can't ask for god's forgiveness. One doesn't change the rules of the game because one is loosing.

Thanks to anyone who manages to finish this long, rambling post.

Best,

Dave_81

Hi there,

First off, I am very glad to hear that you are going to be seeing your doctor this week. Hopefully he can change your meds and try something new. Don't give up hope on the meds, you just haven't found the right one. Second of all, your post kind of confused me. You said that you are an atheist and that you can't ask for forgiveness but you also said that you are being punished. If you do not believe in God, who do you think is punishing you? Do you mind me asking why you don't beleive?

When my sister had an abortion I asked her two questions:

1. Do you think that the baby would have had the best life possible?
2. Do you think that it would have been fair to bring a baby into your life at the time?

Abortion is never an easy choice for anyone but I hope that you realise that you made the best choice for you at the time. We all have done things that later in life we regret. You can't take them back, you just have to accept and forgive your self. It doesn't make you a bad person or someone that needs to be punished, it just makes you human like the rest of us.

Bree

Hi there,

First off, I am very glad to hear that you are going to be seeing your doctor this week. Hopefully he can change your meds and try something new. Don't give up hope on the meds, you just haven't found the right one. Second of all, your post kind of confused me. You said that you are an atheist and that you can't ask for forgiveness but you also said that you are being punished. If you do not believe in God, who do you think is punishing you? Do you mind me asking why you don't beleive?

When my sister had an abortion I asked her two questions:

1. Do you think that the baby would have had the best life possible?
2. Do you think that it would have been fair to bring a baby into your life at the time?

Abortion is never an easy choice for anyone but I hope that you realise that you made the best choice for you at the time. We all have done things that later in life we regret. You can't take them back, you just have to accept and forgive your self. It doesn't make you a bad person or someone that needs to be punished, it just makes you human like the rest of us.

Bree

Thanks a lot for your kind response, Bree.

First, I'm not gonna give in on the meds; I know that it can take time to find the rights ones. However, I've been on several ADs now and am beginning to loose faith in them a bit. Second, I meant that I feel as though I need to be punished (for my girlfriend's abortion), not that I am actually being punished (e.g. by God) -- although in a sense I'm punishing myself. As to why I don't believe in God: I just don't see anything divine about the world we live in -- the preponderance of misery and suffering over happiness and contentment, etc. In answer to your two question: (1) No I don't think that the baby would have had the best life possible. First, we were too young to have childern and wouldn't have been able to give it everything that a baby deserves. Second, the baby's mother subsequently developed severe schizophrenia (something else I feel guilty about), and so wouldn't have been able to look after the baby at all. (2) No I don't think that it would have been fair to bring a baby into our lives at that time. We were both still at school; there's no way we could have provided for it -- emotionally, in terms of money, etc. We were both just too young to cope with a baby.

I know that I'm only human and that everyone makes mistakes and has regrets; but I just can't forget the fact that there was an innocent casualty in all of this -- the baby. I know that we were both too young to have a baby; that we wouldn't have been able to give it the best life possible; but at the moment I just can't forgive myself.

Again, thanks for your thoughtful reply.

Best,

Dave_81

Dave, I agree with Bree. You have to forgive yourself. You're not alone in this. I, personally, know exactly how you're feeling. The fact that we do feel guilt and remorse means a LOT. That is our punishment, I suppose. Please try to forgive yourself. Like Bree said, you're only human. What happens is, at the time these problems first come up, our realities are so different and now, it's hard to imagine exactly why we made certain decisions. If we could go back in time, we'd probably make a lot better choices, but that's not possible. Like they say, you're future is a blank slate. Do the best you can with it and forgive yourself. If there is a god, I'm sure that he has forgiven you. You've done your penance. It's time to move on. You don't deserve to be punished any more than you have already.

Feel better, dear heart. Your whole life is ahead of you.

I meant to ask: were you psychotically depressed before taking prescription drugs?

Hi again...

From your posts I can tell that you have thought a lot about this and that logically you know you made the right choice. You are just waiting for your heart to heal. Sometimes that can take a long time and with some wounds to the heart, they will never heal. They always stay with us. The trick to these wounds, to the pain that we always have, is to accept the pain. To know that it is inside you and to not hate yourself for it. To take the pain and to make something bloom from it. Everything that we go through shapes what we are today, the good and the bad. I bet that once you do decide to have children you will be one of the best fathers out there. You already understand how precious a life is and will honor your lost baby by treating life and your future children with so much love and kindness. I personally beleive in God and I beleive that God forgives. I also think that God has a plan for you. Do you think that you would be the same person, accomplished the same goals, if this had not happened in your life?

Sometimes it is easier to hold on to the pain, to live in it, to become it, than it is to forgive ourselves. When you are ready, you will forgive, never forget, but forgive.

Bree

Dave, I agree with Bree. You have to forgive yourself. You're not alone in this. I, personally, know exactly how you're feeling. The fact that we do feel guilt and remorse means a LOT. That is our punishment, I suppose. Please try to forgive yourself. Like Bree said, you're only human. What happens is, at the time these problems first come up, our realities are so different and now, it's hard to imagine exactly why we made certain decisions. If we could go back in time, we'd probably make a lot better choices, but that's not possible. Like they say, you're future is a blank slate. Do the best you can with it and forgive yourself. If there is a god, I'm sure that he has forgiven you. You've done your penance. It's time to move on. You don't deserve to be punished any more than you have already.

Feel better, dear heart. Your whole life is ahead of you.

I meant to ask: were you psychotically depressed before taking prescription drugs?

Thanks for the kind reply, Schupp1832; it helps to know that there is a community of people out there who know what I'm going through. I know I need to forgive myself and move on; that all the guilt and remorse is a form of punishment; but I just can't forgive myself yet. And, yes, I was psychotically depressed before I went on prescription meds.

Again, thanks for the reply; your kind words have helped.

Best,

Dave_81

i suffer from GAD and depression, and i know what's it like to feel excessive guilt over things that aren't our faults. i also get disturbing and obsessive thoughts that i can not shut off. you have to try to forgive yourself though. I'm sure it was the right thing for your girlfriend to do to have an abortion, and also i don't think the reason you're depressed is about the abortion, you may think it is but there's never usually one reason.

Hi again...

From your posts I can tell that you have thought a lot about this and that logically you know you made the right choice. You are just waiting for your heart to heal. Sometimes that can take a long time and with some wounds to the heart, they will never heal. They always stay with us. The trick to these wounds, to the pain that we always have, is to accept the pain. To know that it is inside you and to not hate yourself for it. To take the pain and to make something bloom from it. Everything that we go through shapes what we are today, the good and the bad. I bet that once you do decide to have children you will be one of the best fathers out there. You already understand how precious a life is and will honor your lost baby by treating life and your future children with so much love and kindness. I personally beleive in God and I beleive that God forgives. I also think that God has a plan for you. Do you think that you would be the same person, accomplished the same goals, if this had not happened in your life?

Sometimes it is easier to hold on to the pain, to live in it, to become it, than it is to forgive ourselves. When you are ready, you will forgive, never forget, but forgive.

Bree

Thanks for the reply, bree; it expressed some beautiful sentiments.

You're right: Logically I know we made the right choice; but I still can't forgive myself. It happened quite a long time ago; but my guilt, grief and remorse still haven't begun to diminish. I think that there are some wounds that are so deep -- wounds that lacerate one's soul -- that they never fully heal; they always stay with us. We just learn to live with them. I think my my ex-girlfriend's abortion is that type of wound. Your suggestion that I take the pain and make something good bloom from it was beautiful. When I eventually have kids of my own I shall honour my first child's memory by treating my kids with love and tenderness and by being a good and decent father. I shall never, ever forget my first child; but maybe, with time, I can learn how to live with the pain. However, I don't think that time will come until I actually have kids -- which could be awhile.

Again, thanks for your reply; I've really drawn strength from it.

Best,

Dave_81

Hi Dave,

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing today... Did you do anything fun this weekend? The most fun I had this weekend was playing around on the internet.... not too exciting...

Anyway, I hope what I said helped a little and that you are doing a little better today....

Best wishes, Bree

Hi Dave,

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing today... Did you do anything fun this weekend? The most fun I had this weekend was playing around on the internet.... not too exciting...

Anyway, I hope what I said helped a little and that you are doing a little better today....

Best wishes, Bree

Hi Bree,

I'm okay (thanks for asking). How are you? Not too bad, I hope. I went out for a meal with my family at the weekend, which was kinda enjoyable. I put a brave face on and acted as if I was okay as I didn't want to spoil the meal for the rest of my family. What you said really helped; today I feel a little bit better about my girlfriend's abortion. So thanks for your words of support; they are much appreciated. I'm going to try to forgive myself -- and I think that that will be a little easier after reading your replies as they helped me to look at things in a new way. I hope that I might be able to return the favour some day -- by offering some kind words of support if you ever need them :)

Hope you're okay.

Best,

Dave_81

Hi Dave,

I am glad to hear that you had a good weekend. Today is not such a great day for me, but like most people with depression, I have learned how to pretend and cope the best way that I know how. I once had a therapist that said that pretending was one of the best treatments... She said that if you force your self to interact and pretend than maybe, after a while, it won't be so hard.... the pretending will get a little easier and become a little more genuine. Some times I can feel that she is right and other days it is still hard to smile.

I am really glad to hear that I could help, even in some small way. I thought since I now know a little bit about you that I would tell you a little about me. I am 23 and have three kids.... not something I planned, but it is how it worked out. My youngest child is only 5 months old so I am always sleep deprived and a little "crazy". I have always suffered from depression. It started when I was about 14. I too became pregnant, but before I could make any kind of choice, I had a miscarriage due to excessive drinking. This is why I was so touched by your posting and why I think that I have some kind of idea of what you go through. I may not of actually had the abortion, but with the drinking.....well...anyway....

I had severe bouts of depression all through high school, including trying to kill myself with pills when I was 16. Looking back, I understand my sadness but cannot remember why I thought that was the answer. I have been on Lexapro for quite some time, but I am still suffering with Post Pardom Depression which is why my depression is a little out of control right now.

So there is a little history on me... I hope I didn't ramble on too long.

Looking forward to talking to again.... your posts make me smile...

Bree

When I took remeron all I wanted to do was sleep plus it didn't help at all. Antipsychotics also tend to be very sedating. If you've been taking these meds for a while with no help then I'd def. consult your psychiatrist for a change.

As far as the guilt for the abortion, ask God for forgiveness, assuming you believe in God which it seems you do. The awesome thing about God is that you can do the most terrible thing in the world and he'll still welcome you back with open arms. If you don't believe me, ask a pastor.

I'm pro-choice because I don't believe life begins at conception. If an organism can't live outside of its mother's body then it's not alive to me. I'm sure there are people who vehemently disagree, but that's my opinion. I don't consider a two-celled sperm and egg combo a living being and I'm not sure where you'd drawn the line if not at the point where something can live outside its mother.

Whatever your beliefs about abortion, being the kids that you were you cannot shoulder this guilt. Everyone makes mistakes (not saying that this was a mistake mind you). You made the best decision you could at the time and there's nothing you can do to change that.

I wish the best for you!

Hi Dave,

I am glad to hear that you had a good weekend. Today is not such a great day for me, but like most people with depression, I have learned how to pretend and cope the best way that I know how. I once had a therapist that said that pretending was one of the best treatments... She said that if you force your self to interact and pretend than maybe, after a while, it won't be so hard.... the pretending will get a little easier and become a little more genuine. Some times I can feel that she is right and other days it is still hard to smile.

I am really glad to hear that I could help, even in some small way. I thought since I now know a little bit about you that I would tell you a little about me. I am 23 and have three kids.... not something I planned, but it is how it worked out. My youngest child is only 5 months old so I am always sleep deprived and a little "crazy". I have always suffered from depression. It started when I was about 14. I too became pregnant, but before I could make any kind of choice, I had a miscarriage due to excessive drinking. This is why I was so touched by your posting and why I think that I have some kind of idea of what you go through. I may not of actually had the abortion, but with the drinking.....well...anyway....

I had severe bouts of depression all through high school, including trying to kill myself with pills when I was 16. Looking back, I understand my sadness but cannot remember why I thought that was the answer. I have been on Lexapro for quite some time, but I am still suffering with Post Pardom Depression which is why my depression is a little out of control right now.

So there is a little history on me... I hope I didn't ramble on too long.

Looking forward to talking to again.... your posts make me smile...

Bree

Hi Bree,

No you didn't ramble on too long. After the kind way you replied to my post, I would have been prepared to read reams and reams!... I didn't realise that you'd been through basically the same experience that I went through -- although I was struck by how authoritative and knowing your replies were, so I guess at the back of my mind I did wonder whether you'd been through that type of experience. And I'm glad my posts make you smile. Your posts make me smile too :) It's also good to talk to someone who really knows how I feel -- the guilt, the grief, etc... I feel so sorry for you, loosing a baby at 14. It sounds like you went through a very tough time (understandably) -- trying to kill yourself with pills, etc. How did you manage to cope at the time? And how have you managed to put it behind you, now that you're older? Has having children helped? My girlfriend had the abortion almost 10 years ago now; but I still haven't dealt with all the guilt and the grief -- the wounds are still raw -- and I haven't found any sense of closure. However, like I said, your posts have helped.

I can't imagine how tough it must be having depression and 3 kids to look after. I find it hard enough just looking after myself at the moment -- showering, etc. And I'm sorry that you're not having a good day -- although you should draw strength from knowing that you've managed to help a fellow suffer -- me!

If you don't mind me asking, do you think that your depression was triggered by the miscarrige? Because I that that my girlfriend's abortion is a major cause of my depression.

I also know exactly what you mean about pretending. I haven't told anyone -- neither family nor friends -- about my depression, so I have to pretend all the time. Like you, sometimes I can do it quite easily; but sometimes it is hard to smile.

I hope things aren't too bad with you.

Best,

Dave_81

Hey you,

How's life going today? I didn't get much sleep last night, but when I got on the computer and saw your post it did lift my spirits. So many questions... so here goes...

At the time of the pregnancy I was in a bad place, freshman in high school... dating a senior.... he liked to drink and was just plain bad for me. I do have a father but he was always working.... he lived 7 months of the year in Singapore so I rarely saw him. Now I know that I was looking for a father figure.... I think I have always had depression. I can remember being very lonely as a child, even with people around, but I do think that the events of the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage is what starting the cycle. It gave me justification to be depressed. After the miscarriage I felt horrible for drinking, but I also remembering feeling very relieved which just made the guilt worse. Being so young I didn't tell anyone what had happened... just kept it to myself.... I let the guilt and remorse build up.... this turned to self loathing and made my depression worse and worse. Finally at 16 I couldn't take it anymore and I took a bunch of pills... Luckily my friend happened to come by and she found me in my bed, called 911 and gave me a new start.

After I got out of the hospital I started seeing a therapist. She kept telling me the same things that I am sure you have been told a million times.... forgive yourself... it wasn't really a baby... quit beating youself up.... all of these things didn't help because in my head I knew these things but I couldn't make my heart feel the same way.... I eventually realised that I had experienced a death and until I grieved for that little soul than I wouldn't be better. I wrote that baby, Hailey,(I don't know if it was a girl, but it felt better to give her a name), a letter. In my letter I told her how sorry I was, how much I did love her and would have wanted her another time but just couldn't handle the situation at the time. I told her all the things I had wanted to say for years and after I wrote the letter I felt better..... Then I put the letter in an envelope and tied it to a balloon. I watched that balloon float up to heaven and up to that precious baby and I felt forgivness.

I know that you said that you don't believe in heaven but I don't think thats true. If you don't mind me being brutally honest... I think you don't want to beleive because you are scared of what will happen..... of being judged.... I think that you feel that if you can't forgive yourself, how could God or that little baby.... I may be totally wrong but you might want to try writing the letter and watching it float towards the sky.... it might help with some closure.....

Later when I was 17 I became pregnant again... I was on the pill and we had used a condom but I guess somethings are just meant to be. This time I took good care of myself and had a baby boy. Now that I have three children, I can say that they are a mixed blessing. Some days they are the only reason that I get up and do anything. Other days I feel great and its not such a chore to be a mom. I do think that I cherise them a little more because of my past experiences though.

Okay... now that I have written a whole book I better go fix my little ones lunch since it is noon here....

Hope to hear from you soon...have a good day!

Bree

Hey Bree,

Sorry for not replying sooner. I’ve been a bit busy lately and didn’t want to write a careless and rushed response to your last post, so I decided to wait until I had some time to write a proper reply.

Thanks for answering all of my questions so fully; it’s really appreciated. In the same way that you think that your depression was triggered by the miscarriage you had, I think that the cycle of my depression was largely triggered by my girlfriend’s abortion. I was only 15 and can remember being terrified that my parents were going to find out about the pregnancy. Luckily (or so I thought at the time), they didn’t find out – and we (me and my girlfriend) were able to organise the abortion without anyone finding out – not my friends nor my family. You can tell how young and immature I was because the only thing I was worried about was whether or not my parents were going to find out. My dad is quite strict and would have gone ballistic if he’d have found out – although in some ways I do resent my parents for not making me feel as though I could have gone to them. When I’m older and have kinds I’ll always make sure that they know that they can come to me about anything. If I’d have felt able to go to my parents, things could have been so different…Anyway,my girlfriend ended up having the abortion. Like you, at the time I just felt relieved – relieved that we’d managed to get it done without anyone finding out. I didn’t feel guilty or grief stricken at the time – just relieved. Now, however, I feel a crippling amount of guilt – guilt over having killed a baby; guilt over feeling relieved about it at the time; guilt over having subsequently been successful in life when I don’t deserve to be (because I killed a baby). Like you, I’ve started to loath myself. I really do hate myself at the moment. I know I shouldn’t; that I was very young at the time; but I just can’t help it. I don’t think I’ll ever fully forgive myself.

I’m working with a therapist and also have been told all of the usually stuff that people come out with to try to make you feel better – like it wasn’t a real baby, etc. None of these platitudes have made any difference. To my mind I killed a baby – plain and simple. And as such I deserve to suffer – for the rest of my life. I can’t get out of this mindset; nothing seems to alleviate my guilt and grief – even though the abortion happened almost 10 years ago. (Well, for the first few years I didn’t think about it all -- just pretended it didn’t happen. It’s only relatively recently that I’ve squarely began to face it.)

I, too, feel that I’ve experienced a death and need to grieve; but prior to reading your post I wasn’t sure how to. Now I know: I’ll write a letter to my first child. In it I’ll tell him/her how loved they would have been, how sorry I am, how much guilt I feel, how I’ll never forget them, etc. I don’t believe in God and never will; but I shall still write the letter. Maybe I’ll feel a little better after getting it all off of my chest. Thanks so much for the idea.

If you don’t mind me asking, did you begin to feel better when you had kids of your own? Because I don’t think I’ll be able properly to move on until I have kids of my own. Also, did you subsequently tell you parents about your miscarriage? If so, how did they react? Because I would like to be able to talk to my parents about it; but I just don’t know how to broach the subject.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to answer all of my questions. It really helps having someone to talk to. Apart from my therapist you’re the only one I’ve ever spoken to about this. For the past 10 years I’ve been keeping it all locked up inside me, which isn’t good.

Now I’ve written the first half of a novel! So I’ll say goodbye. Hope things are okay with you. Take care.

Best,

Dave_81

Hi there,

I was really glad to hear from you today. I was kind of wondering what had happened to you this week.... glad to hear things are going well.

I wanted to ask you a question... What does your therapist have to say about all of this? Your posts make it seem like he doesn't acknowledge what kind of effect this has had on you. I hope that is not the case.

Okay... more questions....

At the time of my miscarriage I did not tell my parents. I was the golden child. My parents expected perfection. As long as I kept my 4.0 they pretty much let me run wild. I didn't have a curfew, I didn't have to call, I really just did what ever I wanted. My parents weren't bad parents, they just really never wanted to be parents. I was a slip up. My parents didn't even get married until my mom was seven months pregnant with me. I am okay with all of this. My mom is the type of woman that always wanted a career more than kids. I was in daycare my entire life. I have two younger siblings. Because my parents were always busy being "grown ups" I was the one that taught them how to read, write, ride a bike, and every other important milestone in life. This added a huge amount of stress at a very young age. I know this helped cause the rebellion that I went through. After all these years I am still bitter.

To answer your question, no, I have never told my parents. I have thought about it but I didn't think that it would have done any good. My parents weren't there when I needed them to be, today would be too late. They almost died when I told them I was pregnant at 17, literally..... My dad had his first heart attack one week after my son was born..... This is also my fault, but that is another issue for another time. I wouldn't suggest telling your parents until you are more comfortable with it yourself. You have to work out the demons you have now before you start adding on a whole different mess.

Next question.... I do think having my own children has helped forgive myself. I know that there would have been no way to cope with a baby at the time. Even now, some days are tough to get through,but I am better able to cope than I would have been at 15. With my children, I can also realise that I did the best thing for that baby all those years ago. Her life would have been miserable. My parents would have been the one to raise the baby... financially, emotionally, security, it would have all had to come from them. I think they would have really resented her and me. Things would have just been bad.

Now I have a couple more questions for you..... did anything else happen that you think might have triggered your depression? In one of your posts you said that you had a couple of tramatic events happen....so I was just wondering. And secondly... I know that you said that you don't believe in god, but what do you beleive in? What do you think happens to you after you die? Were you raised religiuosly?

I am really happy that I can share my story with you and have you feel better. I normally don't talk about it too much but it feels good to know that you can relate to alot of what I went through.

Don't be such a stranger this week.... hope to hear from you soon...

Bree

P.S. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Hi there,

I was really glad to hear from you today. I was kind of wondering what had happened to you this week.... glad to hear things are going well.

I wanted to ask you a question... What does your therapist have to say about all of this? Your posts make it seem like he doesn't acknowledge what kind of effect this has had on you. I hope that is not the case.

Okay... more questions....

At the time of my miscarriage I did not tell my parents. I was the golden child. My parents expected perfection. As long as I kept my 4.0 they pretty much let me run wild. I didn't have a curfew, I didn't have to call, I really just did what ever I wanted. My parents weren't bad parents, they just really never wanted to be parents. I was a slip up. My parents didn't even get married until my mom was seven months pregnant with me. I am okay with all of this. My mom is the type of woman that always wanted a career more than kids. I was in daycare my entire life. I have two younger siblings. Because my parents were always busy being "grown ups" I was the one that taught them how to read, write, ride a bike, and every other important milestone in life. This added a huge amount of stress at a very young age. I know this helped cause the rebellion that I went through. After all these years I am still bitter.

To answer your question, no, I have never told my parents. I have thought about it but I didn't think that it would have done any good. My parents weren't there when I needed them to be, today would be too late. They almost died when I told them I was pregnant at 17, literally..... My dad had his first heart attack one week after my son was born..... This is also my fault, but that is another issue for another time. I wouldn't suggest telling your parents until you are more comfortable with it yourself. You have to work out the demons you have now before you start adding on a whole different mess.

Next question.... I do think having my own children has helped forgive myself. I know that there would have been no way to cope with a baby at the time. Even now, some days are tough to get through,but I am better able to cope than I would have been at 15. With my children, I can also realise that I did the best thing for that baby all those years ago. Her life would have been miserable. My parents would have been the one to raise the baby... financially, emotionally, security, it would have all had to come from them. I think they would have really resented her and me. Things would have just been bad.

Now I have a couple more questions for you..... did anything else happen that you think might have triggered your depression? In one of your posts you said that you had a couple of tramatic events happen....so I was just wondering. And secondly... I know that you said that you don't believe in god, but what do you beleive in? What do you think happens to you after you die? Were you raised religiuosly?

I am really happy that I can share my story with you and have you feel better. I normally don't talk about it too much but it feels good to know that you can relate to alot of what I went through.

Don't be such a stranger this week.... hope to hear from you soon...

Bree

P.S. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Hi Bree,

How are you today? Hope you're okay. Thanks for answering my questions.

It sounds as if you had a pretty bad time with your second pregnancy -- your dad's heart attack, etc. I feel so sorry for you. And am I right in thinking that your parents blamed you for your dad's heart attack? As if you didn't have enough to cope with already.

It sounds as if having kids of your own has helped you to come to terms with losing your first baby. I really believe that I'll never really be able to move on until I have kids of my own.

I'll answer your last question first: I'm a vegan, and so don't eat ice cream! As to my therapist...He's a psychiatrist/psychotherapist; I've been working with him for about a year; and although he understands that my girlfriend's abortion has affected me deeply, I'm not sure he fully appreciates just how deeply. The therapy we engage in is also a bit strange. I do all of the talking and my therapist just listens. I think the point is that I'm supoosed to resolve my issues by myself and that he's just there to guide me. The problem is, I really need some help with my issues. I need someone who can help me see things in a different light; someone who can tell me when I being self-pitying; someone who can tell me when I'm just being plain stupid; but my p-doc just sits and writes notes. Now, I've spoken about the abortion often enough; but my p-doc seems to think that my depression may have its roots in things that happened during my early childhood. The problem is, I can't think of anything that happened during my childhood that could be responsible for the way I'm feeling now. If anything, I was a happy and contented child. I'm pretty sure that I'm feeling this way a) because of my girlfriend's abortion and b) -- well, I'm just getting to that...

A few moths prior to the abortion I went through a traumatic event: I was arrested by the police for possession of cannabis. It might not sound very traumatic now; but back then it was. Like you, up to that point I'd excelled at everything --- sports, academically -- eveything. However, I got in with a bad crowd, started smoking and drinking and (as I've said) ended up getting arrested. My parents went ballistic. It felt as if my world had been turned upside down. I was no longer this good, sporty, academically gifted child: I was a criminal. It was then that I started suffering terribly from depersonalisation. My therapist/shrink says that the depersonalisation was probably caused by the terrible shock of being arrested. The depersonalisation is the other major cause of my depression.

About God/religion: I wasn't raised religiously. (Do I sound as if I was?) And after we die I just think -- well, that that's it. No heaven, no hell. Just nothingness. Eternal nothingness.

I'm going to take your advise and not mention anything to my parents about my girlfriend's abortion. You're right that I need to sort out my current problems before I go opening a whole new can of worms.

Like you, I think things would have been bad if my girlfriend had had the baby. I couldn't have provided for it -- neither emotionally nor finacially -- so my parents would have had to. My girlfriend subsequently developed schizophrenia; is in and out of the mental hospital all of the time; and so she definitely wouldn't have been able to look after him/her. Yet I still think that I'd have managed somehow; that it would have been better if she'd have had the baby. We could have put him/her up for aboption, for example.

I'll say goodbye now. Take care.

Best,

James -- my real name, by the way.

Hi James,

It's nice to know your real name... thanks for trusting me enough to tell me.... I just wanted to send a quick note to acknowledge that I read your post. I don't have enough time to write a long reply until this afternoon... lots to do today...... but I will make sure to write a response later today. I hope things are going well for you today......

Have a good day... talk to you soon....
Bree

Hi James,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. This week has been just one bad day after another. I am not in a very good mood right now. I don't know how your depression works but mine is very situational. One moment I am fine and the next moment something happens, even something small and I just want to crawl into a hole and stop exsisting. This week it has seemed like everytime I get my feet back under me, something else happens that makes me regress. Do you ever feel like this?

From what you wrote, it kind of sounds like you need to see some other kind of therapists. Sounds like you need someone who can validate how you are feeling. Do you feel better when you leave his office? I went through three therapists before I found someone who was a good fit for me. Like you, I needed someone who would talk to me. Not just listen and nod. Now that I have found someone that does that, i always feel better coming out of therapy... like I am healing.

The reason that I asked about your religion is because most people who believe that abortion is wrong are religious. They believe it is a baby from conception because god made it so. I was just a little confused what you thought of it so I decided to ask. did you get a chance to write that letter? If not, thats okay. It took me a while to write it all down and face what I felt. I know that you will write it when you are ready.

Can you explain to me what exactly depersonalisation is? I am not exactly sure what it is are how it affects you. I would really like to know. That way I can relate better to what you are saying to me. Anyway....

back to real life....

Bree

P.S. Bree is my real name and I just can't beleive you live with out ice cream... I wouldn't know what to do with myself without ice cream or chocolate.

Your first post was close to my Birthday...wasn't really able to think much after that....what I wanted to say and have wanted to since then was that one would think, many say and I'm still unsure is that it feels somewhat better to know that we are not alone in how we feel, what we have been through etc.

I knew I'd start crying the second I had to think about what I was going ot write, brings up feelings I'm trying to hold on right now. One thing about your post is that in realizing many of us have gone through the same struggles, suffer just as much etc....what can we do for one another when no one truly understands. I'm young still and like you feel as if I should be out with friends, having fun smiling and enjoying life. The only difference is that I no longer have many friends. While dancing in HS I had many...out of HS and up until now my close friends that were enjoying their lives didnt really understand nor wanted much to do with me escecially my guy friends unless I was out partying etc. and then they'r all come back running. Looking back now I'm not saying anything on what I had planned and looks like this is more about me than what I had wanted to say to you. So sorry about that.

In short...just wanted to say hope things are going ok, that you're doing ok and so many people are here if you do feel alone. Wish there was more to say that could help. I can feel the emotions just not able to express them right now.

Take care. :angel:

Hi James,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. This week has been just one bad day after another. I am not in a very good mood right now. I don't know how your depression works but mine is very situational. One moment I am fine and the next moment something happens, even something small and I just want to crawl into a hole and stop exsisting. This week it has seemed like everytime I get my feet back under me, something else happens that makes me regress. Do you ever feel like this?

From what you wrote, it kind of sounds like you need to see some other kind of therapists. Sounds like you need someone who can validate how you are feeling. Do you feel better when you leave his office? I went through three therapists before I found someone who was a good fit for me. Like you, I needed someone who would talk to me. Not just listen and nod. Now that I have found someone that does that, i always feel better coming out of therapy... like I am healing.

The reason that I asked about your religion is because most people who believe that abortion is wrong are religious. They believe it is a baby from conception because god made it so. I was just a little confused what you thought of it so I decided to ask. did you get a chance to write that letter? If not, thats okay. It took me a while to write it all down and face what I felt. I know that you will write it when you are ready.

Can you explain to me what exactly depersonalisation is? I am not exactly sure what it is are how it affects you. I would really like to know. That way I can relate better to what you are saying to me. Anyway....

back to real life....

Bree

P.S. Bree is my real name and I just can't beleive you live with out ice cream... I wouldn't know what to do with myself without ice cream or chocolate.

Hey Bree,

I'm sorry that your week hasn't been going too well. I know what you mean about feeling okay one minute and then terrible the next. When I'm preoccupied with something I sometimes almost 'forget' that I'm depressed; then l'll remember and all of a sudden will become acutely conscious of just how terrible I feel. It's awful when that happens .

About my therapist...I do feel better when I leave his office, so he must be doing some good. However, I think I could do with seeing someone who is a little more responsive. I'll talk to him about it next time I see him.

About the moral status of the baby...Although I'm not religious I still feel that we killed a baby when we aborted that fetus. I can't really explain why I feel this way. At the very least, I feel as though we prevented a baby from living. Does that make sense, even though I'm not religious?

About my depresonalisation....My depersonalization started after I went through a traumatic event when I was 15, as you know . I was fine until about 2 or three months after the event occurred; it was then that I started to experience depersonalization. (I don't suffer from derealization.) The best way I can describe my depersonalization is to say that my sense of self is radically altered; it's as though there no longer is an inner nucleus which is 'me.' Another way I can describe it is to say that it feels as though two parts of my sense of self are 'out of synch' or not 'aligned' properly; that I'm no longer a single, unified person; that I'm detached from my own thoughts -- forever stuck in a permanently altered state of consciousness (another way of putting this would be to say that my consciouness is no longer unitary); in short, I have ceased to exist as a unified, whole individual. My depersonalization is a stable phenomenon; it never gets any worse or any better -- it just stays the same.

Don't worry if you haven't got a clue what I'm going on about. Depresonalisation is a very hard thing to describe. I guess the important thing is that it has a terrible affect on me and is a major cause of my depression.

...I haven't gotten around to writing that letter yet. It's something I really want to do; I think writing everything down will help the healing process; and I really want to tell the baby exactly how I feel. I just don't feel ready to yet. In time....

I'll say goodbye now. Take care.

Best,

James

P.S: Being a vegan does suck sometimes -- especially having to go without ice cream!

Well I have not read all of the posts but I can relate to many of the things you are talking about. I feel guilty about things I did several yrs ago, one of them being haveing unprotected sex with a promiscious girl, luckily I did not get anything. I still feel very guilty about it becuase I went against my integrity and cannot seem to forgive myself. I also understand a little about the depersonalization...but for me it is more along the line of haveing an identity. I really have never known who I am, or what I want. I am always trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and why I am so much different than everyone else. Well that is an endless loop...to say none the less. Anyhow I wish you luck and don't really have good advice to help because I feel the same in some ways.

Hey James,

How has everything been this week? Things today have been going better for me. I guess that I still don't understand what depersonalisation is. Is it sort of like you are watching your life from the inside out? Does your family realize that anything is going on inside you? My family would just prefer to think that I am just fine, so I think that they don't really take the time to see when I am not doing well. I think I will look it up on some search engines so I will better understand and relate to what you are saying. are you still close to your family?

I think I finally understand what you mean about the baby. The way that you phrased your feelings made perfect sense to me. I don't think you could have put it any better. Some times I just have to be told the same thing three different ways before I truly get it.

Don't worry about writing that letter. You will write it when you are ready... like I said... it took me a long time to write mine. I will support you however I can......

sorry to cut this short but the kids are going crazy..... write back soon.....it always puts a smile on my face when I see your replies....

Bree
P.S. How tall are you? Just wondering.....

Hi Rainbow Falls...

I just read your post and I just wanted to send a quick note to see if you are okay.... It sounded so sad.... I hope you are doing okay.... write back if you need to talk.....

Bree

Well I have not read all of the posts but I can relate to many of the things you are talking about. I feel guilty about things I did several yrs ago, one of them being haveing unprotected sex with a promiscious girl, luckily I did not get anything. I still feel very guilty about it becuase I went against my integrity and cannot seem to forgive myself. I also understand a little about the depersonalization...but for me it is more along the line of haveing an identity. I really have never known who I am, or what I want. I am always trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and why I am so much different than everyone else. Well that is an endless loop...to say none the less. Anyhow I wish you luck and don't really have good advice to help because I feel the same in some ways.

Hi Mcgunther,

Just a quick message to say thanks for your message of support. It helps to know that there are others out there who know how I feel. So thanks :)

Hey James,

How has everything been this week? Things today have been going better for me. I guess that I still don't understand what depersonalisation is. Is it sort of like you are watching your life from the inside out? Does your family realize that anything is going on inside you? My family would just prefer to think that I am just fine, so I think that they don't really take the time to see when I am not doing well. I think I will look it up on some search engines so I will better understand and relate to what you are saying. are you still close to your family?

I think I finally understand what you mean about the baby. The way that you phrased your feelings made perfect sense to me. I don't think you could have put it any better. Some times I just have to be told the same thing three different ways before I truly get it.

Don't worry about writing that letter. You will write it when you are ready... like I said... it took me a long time to write mine. I will support you however I can......

sorry to cut this short but the kids are going crazy..... write back soon.....it always puts a smile on my face when I see your replies....

Bree
P.S. How tall are you? Just wondering.....


Hey Bree,

Things have been a bit better for me this week. I’ve been unemployed for a while, and so usually have nothing to do all day except stew over my problems; but this week I’ve been preoccupied with other things, and so haven’t felt quite as depressed as I usually do. I feel as though I’m constantly running away from my depression; that unless I’m manically active I’m depressed. Do you ever feel like that – that you feel tolerably okay when you’re busy; but deeply depressed as soon as you get some time to yourself and begin to think about things?

I’m really glad that things are going better for you. I was a bit worried when I read your previous post; you sounded quite down. Is there anything in particular that I could help you with? It’s just that I don’t want these messages to be too one-sided, with you proffering all of the advice and support and me just lapping it all up as it were and not giving anything in return.

As to my depersonalisation: It’s not really like you’re watching your life from the inside out. That’s sounds more like derealisation -- something which I don’t suffer from (thankfully). I can’t really think of any other way to describe my depersonalisation, other than what I’ve already said. It’s a really tough thing to describe to someone who doesn’t suffer from it. I haven’t told my family anything about my depersonalisation. It’s such an odd thing that I don’t think they’d be able to empathise with me at all, so I haven’t bothered telling them – even though I’ve been suffering from it for the past ten years. Neither do they know anything about my depression. I guess I just don’t think they can be trusted to respond with sensitivity. If I told my parents, I know what their response would be: ‘What have you got to be depressed about?’ Do your parents know about your depression? I guess they must, since you said that they would prefer to think that you’re just fine. I guess that’s parents for you ;) I’d love to tell mine. I mean, I’ve kept it an absolute secret for the past 10 years. I think it would benefit me just to let it all out; but like I said, I don’t know what type of response I’d get. On the other hand, I guess I am quite close to my family. I must be: I’m 24 and still live at home!

As to how tall I am: I’m quite tall – 6” 1. How tall are you?

Take care.

Best,

James

Hi James,

I was so glad to see that you posted back. You sounded very upbeat and happy. Are you having a good day? My kids are at day care today so this is the first day in a long time that I have had to myself. Like you, I try to keep busy, so today I have already mowed the lawn, pulled the weeds, and planted some strawberry bushes. It is very hot today, like 95, but sometimes I find it helpful to be in the sunshine.

Don't worry about the post being one sided.(I don't think it is one sided) I like it when you confide in me and I can try my best to help. I am normally very shy,well actually insecure, so I have a hard time making friends. I think that alot of people with depression suffer from this type of insecurity. Do you have lots of friends? I have a best friend but she has two kids of her own and now lives in Florida. I only get to see her twice a year, which kind of makes me sad sometimes. Anyway.... like I said.. I really do like listening to what you have to say. Its nice to have a friend that can understand what I am talking about.

I can completely understand about staying busy. Once I settle down and start thinking about bills, kids, husband, life in general, I start to get more depressed. You see, things with my husband are rocky at best. We have been in counseling for over a year and I think that he is a big part of my depression. I know, I know.... everyone says I should walk away but I have kids with him and honestly I am too scared to be by myself. I would rather be with him than be by myself. I know that sounds pathetic but thats how I feel. I have been with him since I was in high school and when I think about trying to work, take care of the kids, pay bills, and everything else bymyself I just get too depressed, like almost to the point of hyperventilating. Also, he is very controlling and when I did leave him two years ago he wouldn't leave me alone. He called all the time, came over, made promises.... since then we have been in counseling.

Enough sad stuff....

My mom knows that I take an AD but she really doesn't like to talk about it. The only reason she knows is because she saw the pills and asked the exact question you wrote: "What have you got to be depressed about?". I don't really like talking with her about any of it. My sister and I are very close and she is very supportive of me. Do you have any siblings?

Now that I wrote the next chapter in our book I better go get some stuff done. I haven't had time to research depersonalisation yet, but I promise I will....

Bree

I am only 5"2. My sister calls me a shrimp because I am so short. I have blond hair... what color is yours?.....

Hey Bree,

I guess I am feeling a bit more upbeat at the moment. A good friend of mine (who moved away a few years ago) moved back to the town where I live: and so I’ve been out with him for the past few days catching up with each other. Although I didn’t tell him anything about my depression (don’t think I ever will; he wouldn’t be able to understand), it was still nice to see him.

I’m glad that you’ve been enjoying the sun and have had some time to yourself. It must get pretty hectic (to say the least) with several kids running about the place. It’s been quite hot (about 80) here in London -- but nowhere near 95! Whereabouts in America do you live?

I’m glad you don’t think that our conversations are too one-sided. I didn’t want you to think that I didn’t care about your problems. I do. And I was surprised to hear you say that you have a hard time making friends. You seem so nice! On the other hand, I can really empathise with what you said about being shy and insecure. I used to be quite an outgoing, gregarious kind of a person; but since becoming depressed my circle of friends has slowly dwindled (I probably have 5 real friends these days), I’ve become quite shy, and definitely feel very insecure in social situations when a lot of people are present. (I used to deal with the insecurity by getting very drunk). I’m sorry that your best friend lives so far away. One of my best friends recently moved to Manchester. Although I wish him all the best and hope he makes a success of things there, I was really sorry to see him go. I, too, really enjoy having someone I can finally talk to about things and who really understands what I’ve been, and am going, through. So thank you.

I’m really sorry to hear that things aren’t going too well with your husband. Although I’m not married (or even have a girlfriend), I’ve got some idea (I think) of what you’re going through. My older sister has a baby with this guy who isn’t really any good for her; but she doesn’t want to split from him (or even acknowledge that he’s bad for her) because of the baby. I think that the thought of being a single parent, with all of the responsibility that that entails (having to work, pay all of the bills, take care of the baby on her own), is just too much for her. So, no, I don’t think your pathetic (anything but, actually) for being scared of being on your own. In fact, I think that anyone in your position would feel the same way. At least you’re in counselling and have the bravery to acknowledge and face your problems, even though you’re suffering from depression. If you don’t mind my asking, do you get a lot of support for your depression off of your husband? Or doesn’t he really understand? Because I’ve found that the only people who really understand are fellow sufferers.

I can definitely empathise with you when you say that you feel as though you’re going to start hyperventilating when things really get on top of you. I’ve actually had a couple of panic attacks in the past where I’ve become so depressed – thinking how pointless everything is, etc.

I have two sisters – one older, one younger. Neither of them know about my depression etc. The younger one’s very outgoing, is very popular and has loads of friends; she wouldn’t understand about depression and insecurity; hence I haven’t/won’t speak to her about my problems. And the older one’s just had a baby, and so I don’t want to burden her with my issues. I’m glad to hear that you have a sister who you can turn to for support. It must be nice to have a member of the family to whom you can turn.

Take care.

Best,

James

P.S: I have brown hair – and, like you, my mum and my younger sister are both 5” 2!

Hey you, :)

It made me so happy to hear that you are doing well and that you are spending time with your friend. I think that I have previously posted that sometimes I feel better having to pretend I am alright. Makes it almost possible to believe that one day I won't feel like this anymore. I hope you and your friend went and did some fun things.

I didn't know that you live in London. Do you like it there? I have never even been over seas. Do you ever play tourist and go do all the touristy things we americans would do? I live in Colorado, right at the base of the Rocky Mountains. Most days I really enjoy living here, I just wish I was closer to the ocean. I love the ocean, it is my most favorite place in the world. Something about the waves, the smell, the peace of it all. Do you have a favorite place?

My sister is probably one of my favorite people. She is not married and has no kids of her own, so she is the perfect auntie. She loves the kids and takes them frequently for sleep overs. Her and I are very close because I basically raised her. She is two years younger and a foot taller than me. I told you she called me shrimp. While I can confide in her, I think you are absolutly right about people not understanding what I go through unless they are going through the same thing. Its funny how far you and I live from each other but inside we have a lot of the same issues.

My husband is most definitly not supportive of the depression. He always takes it personally when I don't feel good. He says things like,"why can't you snap out of it?" or "your home all day, why can't you get anything done?". The things that he says make the depression worse. We have talked about this in therapy but I don't know if he will ever change. For now that is life.

It is dinner time here, just past 6:00. What time is it for you? Talk to you soon.... :wave:

Bree

Hey Bree,

When I said I was feeling upbeat I guess I just meant that I was feeling slightly less depressed, not actually upbeat. But at least I have someone else (i.e. my friend) to talk to now. When we went to London we did do some of the tourist places – Oxford street, etc. – but mostly we just went to bars and drank way too much!

I don’t actually live in London. I live about 30 miles outside of London; but spend a lot of my time there and really like it. There’s always plenty going on and you can kind of loose yourself in all the commotion and forget about your problems. I also went to university there, and so have friends who live there…I guess my favourite place at the moment is my bedroom. I feel safe when I’m in it; can just relax and read quietly; nobody makes any demands on me when I’m up there; hence I don’t have to pretend that everything’s okay – although, like you say, sometimes just pretending that everything’s okay and getting on with things can make you feel a bit better.

It sounds like you live in a nice area. The base of the Rocky Mountains. Wow! There’s nothing like that where I live, just lots of traffic and a busy city. Sometimes I wish I lived somewhere a little more peaceful; but mostly I like living near London.

I’m really glad that your sister’s supportive of you. I wish I had a family member that I could turn to. I, too, was thinking about how strange it was to find someone who lives so far away but who has a lot of the same issues as me. Inwardly we seem very similar; but outwardly, in terms of distance, we are miles apart. It’s also strange how a complete stranger can be more empathetic and understanding then one’s closest friends and family.

I’m sorry that your husband isn’t very supportive of your depression. That must really hurt. Like I said, it’s strange how complete strangers can sometimes offer unutterably kind words of support that really brighten up your day; but your family, the people who are supposed to care the most about you, are unable to offer you any (or much) support. I know that if I told my family about my depression they’d either treat me like a complete invalid or say ineffably insensitive things like ‘what have you got to be depressed about?’ or ‘pull yourself together; some people have it a lot worse than you’.

The time here is about 5:20pm.

Take care.

Best,

James

Hi there James,

Okay... I was writing this reply... got almost to the end and then my internet connection died...had to call and complain to the company..... anyway....

I was going to ask how your day was going but I think it is probably already late there. Today has been another chaotic day for me. I went out and had an interview today. I just decided to drop a resume off and the doctor was there so I had an interview. I would be the receptionist for a small office three days a week. I know that doesn't sound like much but for me this is very scary. I haven't really worked in along time. What kind of work did you do when you were working? I went to college, but I never finished.... so all I really know how to do is cashier and answer phones. I know that you said you graduated from college. Good for you! What did you major in? Someday I would like to go back to school and finish. I used to want to be a teacher but now I'm not sure what I would want to do. Maybe selling houses or wedding planning.... as you can tell I still have not decided.

I think you did sound a little more upbeat today. Maybe because you got to go out with your friend and have some fun? Or maybe because you were writing to me?... :) I do hope that when you see my replies it makes you feel better. I know that I have found myself smiling more than once thinking of what you have wrote. It is very nice to have someone to talk to. I am really glad that we are becoming friends.

I think it is families job to make you crazy. No matter how supportive (or lack thereof) they are. All people have expectations and with family those expectations are even worse. I know that if I could have picked my parents before I was born, I probably would not have picked the ones I got. I would have picked a pair of people that actually wanted to be parents. My mom has actually said that if her and my dad would have divorced she would have left me with him and ran away. She said that she would have called occasionally but she would have been glad to have her own life back. She told me this yesterday and I am not sure what to think of her statements. It hurt knowing that she could have just walked away from my siblings and I. I could never do that to my kids. They are my world. What kind of people were your parents growing up?

Well, the baby just woke up so I need to head back to my life.

Thinking of you,
Bree

Do you like scary movies?

Hey Bree,

The exact same thing happened to me the other day. I had just finished writing quite a lengthy reply to you when...my computer crashed. I was so mad! Anyway...

Congratulations on your interview! How do you think it went? Okay, I hope. You shouldn't put yourself down. Working in an office 3 days a week is a decent job for anyone (I used to work in an office, as an admin assistant); but it's especially good for someone who hasn't worked for a long time and who suffers from depression -- a really big step forward. I hope you're proud of yourself. I would be if I were you. My therapist told me that recovering from serious depression involves taking baby steps. Going back to work after depression (or when you’re still suffering from it -- especially when you've had a long time off and also have children to take care of) takes a lot of courage.

As to the type of work I used to do...I only graduated from university last summer, so haven't had an awful lot of experience of work. After university I took a job in a hospital, as a stock-monitor. After that I took a job in an office, as I've said. It was then that my depression supervened, and I had to leave....I majored in philosophy at university. I really enjoyed it; it was a shame I had to leave. I've thought about doing something postgrad, but not until my depression lifts. For one thing, my depression has had a really adverse affect on my concentration. As a result, I don't think I'd be able to keep up with all of the studying. Not yet, at least...

I guess I do feel a little better. Just getting out of the house with my friend the other day helped. Although my depression certainly has its roots in my girlfriend's abortion, I think that it also has substantially to do with the fact that I'm unemployed and have nothing really to do all day. So, like I said, getting out with my old friend helped. As to our conversations...They brighten up my day immensely! It's lovely finally having someone I can talk to about things; someone who doesn't judge me and who understands the abysmal lows -- lows that can lacerate one's soul -- that come from loosing a baby; someone who speaks from real experience and doesn't just repeat glib platitudes like the following: 'things will get better'; 'it was a ball of cells, not a real baby' (my therapist actually came out with the last one); someone who is empathetic and understanding; someone who has time for me; someone who is honest; in short, someone who affords me friendship -- and I hope we are becoming friends. So, in answer to you question, yes, your posts do make me feel better: I really look forward to reading them; and I often wonder during the day what you're going to write next.

I'm sorry but what your mum said to you was horrible. What a thing to tell someone who is suffering from depression! I really feel for you. Why on earth did she say that? Had you upset her in some way? I hope you don't think that you've done something to deserve this. Your mum's the one with the problem, not you. I hope that that didn't sound rude. I think you should take comfort in the fact that you're better than that and, as you say, love your kids and would never, ever say anything like that to them. As to my parents...They were good to me when I was growing up and always had time for me. On the other hand, for some reason I don't feel as though I can really speak to them about things. I mean, I haven't told them about my depression/depersonalisation -- even though I've been suffering from it since I was 15. On the other hand, I could have misjudged them. Maybe they would be terribly understanding and empathetic about my depression. Because I've never approached them about it, I just don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be so secretive about things.

Wow I’ve written a lot!

Take care.

Best,

James

P.S: I don't really watch a lot of movies. Mostly I read. But that's not to say that I don't like films. I do. Hope that makes sense.

Hi you....

I was very glad to see your post this morning when I finally had some time to check. Once again things here are crazy. Since it has been so warm I am going to take the kids swimming at our local pool. They love going and I like it because I get to be outside in the sun. I am so glad that it is summer. I do not like snow at all. Not one bit! It is pretty to watch but I hate having to drive through it and shovel it from the walk.

Thank you for the kind words about the job. I think the interview went well and I really do hope that I get the job. I think it would be good for me. I am just so very scared about it all. I think anything different scares me. I will keep in mind what you said about the baby steps. I hope that your depression lessons so that you can find a job also. It might help to cheer you up. If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?

My mother is just my mother. She has always said things like this to me. This last one was just another in a long line of insulting, hurtful things that she doesn't realize are hurtful. I love my parents, don't get me wrong. I just wish that they didn't solve every problem with money. When I got pregnant and was going to college, instead of babysitting, my mom paid for my apartment. When I get sick and can't take care of the kids, instead of helping, she hires a cleaning service to come and clean my house. She just doesn't get it. I have a horrible fear of being left anywhere because my mom would forget me all the time as a kid. I can remember being in Kindergarten and having to wait for an hour, then finally having to go the office and have them call my mom because she forgot to pick me up. She forgot me everywhere, school, soccer, friends houses, stores.... yes... once she left me at the toy store, got three blocks away and then came back. Like I said, I don't think she is a bad person... she just never wanted to be a parent.

I think that after everything that I have told you I would definitly think of us as friends. Some things that I have told you, I haven't even told my husband or friends. I feel like we are kindred spirits or something. I know that you are not religious but thats how I feel. I think everything happens for a reason. So there must be a reason for all of this.... anyway...

I asked about the movies, because I hate scary movies. Hate them. I have nightmares very easily. Even Indiana Jones gave me bad dreams. I love to read too. My favorite are romance/mystery novels. I love Nora Roberts. Her books are my favorite. Who is your favorite author? Well the kids are screaming because they can't find their bathing suits so I must run.

Have a great day....

Bree

Hey Bree,

I'm glad you've been enjoying the sun. How did the swimming trip go? I think that the hot weather makes me feel a bit better, too -- although it's usually dark and dismal over here in the UK.

I'm glad that the interview went well. I really hope you get the job. Fingers crossed ;) And I think it's perfectly understandable to be scared. After all, starting a new job and going for interviews is nerve-racking for anyone (I hate interviews), let alone someone who hasn't worked from a long time and who has depression. Good Luck!

I too hope my depression lessens so that I can start work again. I think that if I had something to do (instead of just lounging around the house all day) I would feel better. In a sense, I think that giving up work was a mistake. Ideally, I'd like work for an animal welfare organisation. (I'm a vegan and so am really interested in animal welfare issues.) I've applied for a load of jobs with animal welfare charities in the past, but haven't had any luck finding a job. Since I can't seem to get any paid work with them, I think I might do some volunteer work. It's any idea, anyway.

What you wrote about your mum was awful. I can't believe she left you at all those places! You poor thing. I can remember my dad telling me that he almost had a heart attack when he thought he'd lost me in our local shopping centre when I was little. Well, at least you wouldn't ever do anything like that. From what you've written it sounds as though you love your kids dearly.

I'm glad you'd class us as friends. So do I. We do seem to have hit it off rather well, don't we? Like you, some of the things I've told you I've never told to anyone else. I too feel as though there's some kind of connection between us, even though I'm not religious or anything.

I'm sorry but you really made me smile when you said that you had nightmares over an Indiana Jones film! -- although I don't really like scary movies either -- especially ones about supernatural things. I have enough difficulty going to sleep as it is, without being scared out of my wits by some awfully scary film just before bedtime! Actually, I did watch a really scary film the other day -- The Ring. Have you seen it? It gave me the creeps!

Like I said, I also love reading. I think that my love of books is one of the things that has been keeping me going these last few months. I read all different kinds of books -- from political ones, to philosophical ones, to novels (I read a beautiful novel by Sebastian Faulks a while ago called Birdsong -- very sad but worth it), to autobiographies/biographies. So I pretty much like anything and everything!

Hope you're having a good day. It's really hot here today so I might sit in the garden and read (although like I said my concentration -- because of the depression -- isn't great.)

Take care.

Best,

James

Hey Bree,

just wondering how you are? Hope you're okay.

Best,

James

Hi there james...

Let me start out by saying that I am so sorry that it took me so long to post back. As I was writing you a reply my computer crashed again. This time I could not get it working and as it turns out,it was the cable companies fault. They finally sent someone this morning and had to rewire the attic so now I should be in good shape to chat. I hope your not too mad.... I know how dissapointing it can be to not see a reply when you check. Once again.. I am sooooooo sorry!!!!!!!!! Forgive me?

The last couple of days have been crazy for me. I found out that my house finally sold and that I will be moving next week. I already called the cable company and they are suppose to be coming out the day after I move to hook things up so I should not be out of touch too long this time. I am going to be moving a little closer to my family which makes me happy. The house is bigger and has air conditioning. I don't know if you have heard but here it has been in the 100s for the last couple days. What has the weather been like there? I hope it has not been rainy. I like the rain but it always seems to make me sadder.

To top everything off I spent the morning at the hospital with my three year old daughter, Kylie. She has a lung issue that sometimes acts up and today she stopped breathing. She just turned blue and fell to the ground. After they gave her oxygen, steroids, and antibiotic we were able to come back home. She has been dealing with this for so long that you would think it would become routine but everytime it happens I just get so sad. My poor baby is sick again... anyway......

How have you been this week? I have really missed chatting with you the last couple of days. I didn't realise how much your posts brighten up my days until I couldn't check them anymore. That was really no fun at all to not have my computer.... I hope you got out and did something fun. I was reading your last post and I think that you should go and volunteer with some sort of animal foundation or hospital. I do think that it would be good for you to get out of the house everyday. Might give you more of a purpose everyday. Is there some special reason why you love animals so much? What is your favorite animal? I think mine has to be the gorillas. I love watching them interact with each other. Here in Denver, we have a zoo that has a baby gorilla and I think I could just sit and watch him play for hours. There is something so humbling about a gorilla. They are almost like us.... I watched a show on TV about a gorilla that could actually sign... I was amazed.... I am sorry that I'm rambling... It has been a very long day but I was too excited to send you a reply to wait until tomorrow.....

I better be off to bed now but I will hopefully hear from you tomorrow. Hope you have a great day.....

Bree

P.S. I have seen the ring.... I hated it.. gave me bad dreams for three days.... my favorite movie is The Notebook... have you seen it? What is your favorite movie?

Hey Bree,

Of course you're forgiven! Actually, you've nothing to be forgiven for. It sounds as though you're going through a very hectic time at the moment (moving house, etc), so it's understandable that you're not gonna get to spend much time on the computer. I've read that moving house is one of the most stressful things that you can do. I bet you'll be glad when it's all over and you're actually in your new house. A bigger place, air conditioning and nearer to your family. Sounds nice! I hope you'll be happy there.

I'm sorry the hear that one of your childern hasn't been well. It's understandable that you get sad when your kinds are sick. It must have been terrifying when she stopped breathing. Is she doing better now?

I've been okay this week, I suppose. I've missed chatting to you too. I went out with my friend last night, had too much to drink and spent a lot of money I didn't have (i.e. on my credit card). It was a fun night (good to get out of the house), but I'm paying for it now -- I'm a bit hungover.

I'm definitely going to volunteer with some sort of animal charity in london. I've been looking into it and think it would be really good for me. It would give me something to do every day, so I wouldn't be stuck in the house day after day with nothing to do (a major cause of my depression, methinks); it would help me to regain a sense of self-worth, knowing that I was giving up my time to help others; and it would enable me to get some experience in an area I ultimately want to work in. I'm a bit scared though, as (like you) I haven't worked in a while. I left my last job because I felt I couldn't cope, so I hope I'll be able to cope with volunteering. Fingers crossed....I guess I love animals so much because they're wholly innocent and so vulnerable to human cruelty. I abhor cruelty to animals (I have an old dog, whom I love dearly) and really just wanna do something to help protect them...My favourite animals are the Great Apes -- gorillas, orangutans and chimpanzees. I too love gorillas; they seem so intelligent and sensitive.

Anyway, thanks for getting back to me. It's always nice to see that I have a reply from you; it brightens up my day.

Best,

James.

P.S. I haven't seen The Notebook. Who's in it? Anyone famous? I haven't really got a favourite film (I must be very boring!).

Hey you,

First off, you are not boring. Actually, I think quite the opposite in fact. I think you are thoughtful, caring, and pretty funny as well. I was glad to hear that you got out with your friends and had a good time. I haven't had a night away from the kids in over three years. Most days I just feel old and tired. I think it would probably make me happier if I could go out and feel 23 even for one night.... Wishful thinking...

I definitly think that you should volunteer somewhere with animals. If it seems overwhelming than start out bey working two days a week. That way you still are doing something you love but it is not a huge, scary comittment. Hopefully it will make you happier. I know that I always feel better after I have gotten out of the house for a while.....lesss mad at myself for sitting around all day. I went to the doctor earlier todau and they upped my dosage of AD. I am not taking 30mg of Lexapro. I don't think I asked, but how did your appt. on the 31st go? I hope they can find the medication that will help you feel better. I hate the trial and error of medicine.......

My daughter is still coughing and is hooked up to an oxygen machine right now. I just hate it when she is sick. It makes me feel so mad and helpless. Two feelings that I really despise. She is a little trooper and hardly ever complains.... the only way to fix her lung is invasive surgery where they cut the bronchi that goes to her left lung and reshape it. So for now we use oxygen, puffers, and steroids... the doctors hope that as she grows her lung will form correctly..... we just have to wait and see.

I told you we have a lot in common.... how strange is it that our favorite animals are gorillas?.....

Right now my house is in utter chaos. There are boxes everywhere, stacked here and there, half my clothes are missing, and this morning when I walked by one of the boxes, I heard a some noise coming from the inside. I went to check it out and who do i see in the box?.... the cat. He must have gotten boxed up last night when I was trying to pack the linens away... crazy cat....

Well.... here it is just over 4:00am, but I just got all the children to bed so I better try to get atleast an hour or two of sleep before they are all back up again....

Talk to you soon...

Bree

P.S. I am really so happy that we are friends.....

Hey Bree,

Thanks for the kind words! Because of the depression and my feelings of guilt over the abortion I tend to be very, very self-critical, so it's really nice when someone offers me some kind words. I think that you're very caring and thoughtful too. After all, even though you have your own problems, you took the time to help me, a complete stranger not so long ago. And you most certainly do not seem old and tired (as you say) to me. Your posts are always vibrant and refreshing -- and interesting. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks for the advice on volunteering. I think I might volunteer my services for a couple of days a week at first, just until I get used to it and get some confidence back. I was worried about going back full time, 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. I don't think I could cope with that at the moment So I think I'm gonna take your advice and just volunteer for 2-3 days a week at first, then see how things go.

How come your doctor upped your AD? Didn't you feel that it was working? Are you feeling worse? You do have a lot of stress at the moment (moving house, etc). When I last saw my doctor he took me off of the anti-psychotic I was on (abilify), because it wasn't really doing anything; also because I'm not really experiencing any psychotic symptoms anymore (the auditory hallucinations have died down, etc). I've been off of the anti-psychotic for a couple of weeks now and I must say I do feel a bit better. I don't think it was doing me any good. I've also stopped taking my anti-depressant (remeron). My doctor doesn't know about it; but I didn't think that it was doing me any good -- it was just making me sleep all of the time and feel really cranky. I know I shouldn't have stopped taking it without speaking to my doctor, but I do feel better now that I'm medication free. Oddly, I think that the medication was having an adverse affect on me. Also, I couldn't bare the thought of taking a load of really powerful meds that weren't actually doing anything. Luckily I haven't really had any withdrawal symptoms; and, like I said, I've been off of everything for a couple of weeks now. I'm going to try to combat my depression using others methods -- like exercise. I've been exercising religiously 3 times a week, and I must admit I do feel a bit better.

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. Poor thing! Is the heat over there making her worse? I hope that (like the doctors hope) the problem corrects itself as she gets older, and that she doesn't have to undergo surgery. It must be terrible when your kids are ill. My dog has epilepsy and I feel awful when he's ill, so god knows how stressed you must be.

You really made me laugh about the cat hiding in one of the boxes! Cats and dogs really do seem to get into everything. What type of cat do you have? I have a dog (I think I told you), a border collie (he's black and white).

Hope you're okay and not too stressed out over the move.

Best,

James

P.S. I'm glad we're friends too.

Hi there,

I only have amomemt but I wanted to send a quick reply. I have spent the last two days at the hospital. My daughter stopped breathing again and this time I had to call 911. I am exhausted but wanted to let you know that I think it is great you are doing better. Even your posts sound more upbeat. I will write later today when I have more time. It made me feel better to see a post waiting for me.

Bree

Hey Bree,

I'm really sorry to hear about your daugther. Hope things improve for her soon. Thinking of you.

Best,

James

Hi James,

How is everything going over there today? I am so exhausted I think I could probably go to sleep while I am typing. Taday has been very long. I don't think that I have slept more than a few hours each night and to top it off, I am packing. I am suppose to move on Wednesday..... scary in it self.... but with all the trips to the doctors I am not getting very much done. Luckily my sister has been great. She has helped with the other kids and she has helped a lot with the packing. I know that things will work out but some days I wonder when life will be easier.... probably never...

The reason that they upped my meds is the anxiety and stress. Right now I have so much going on that they are worried that I might snap. My husband has not really been any kind of help, in fact, today he quit his job because he didn't want to go anymore. So the doctors thought they better up the meds now before the panic attacks start again. I used to get them really bad when I was younger. Now they are more managable.

I was so excited to read that you were doing better with out your meds. I told you that sometimes you just need to get out of the house to feel better. I am glad that you didn't have withdrawal symptoms... the last time I went off Lexapro I had horrible withdrawals. Here's hoping you can stay off the meds and stay happy. How is the depersonalisation doing with out the meds? Any better or worse?

I have an orange tabby cat that we resuced from the humane society. He is very loveable and does great with the kids...I used to love dogs but we had a great dane and he got to be very old and we had to put him down. His hips stopped working and he couldn't walk anymore.... that was one of the saddest days of my life. Since then I have really shyed away from getting a dog.... maybe when the kids are bigger....

I wanted to ask you..... have you visited any other countries close to you? One day I am going to go to Europe and do all the touristy things.... see the Eiffel tower and see Venice.... I would just want to see it all... Have you done anything like that? I have never even left the country... It is on my list of things to do before I die... Do you have a list like that?

Sorry if I am not making too much sense.....better get to bed.... have a good day...talk to you soon...

Bree

P.S. It made me feel better knowing I could write to you.....

Hey you,

Thanks for getting back to me. I didn't think I'd hear from you for a while. It sounds like you're having a really stressful time at the moment. I'm not surprised that you're exhausted. Just reading about your life at the moment (the move, your unfortunate daughter's illness, etc) makes me feel stressed out! How is your daugther doing now? Is she still in hospital? I hope she's not doing too badly. I think that you're doing brilliantly just holding it all together. Remember that I'm always here if you need to talk about anything...I'm glad that your sister's been supportive of you. She sounds really nice! And don't worry, life will get easier one day. Hopefully things will quieten down a bit for you when you get in the new house. Good luck with the packing!

Have you had any problems with having your medication increased? Any side-effects? I used to find that, whenever they upped my meds, I'd become really tired for a while until I got used to the higher dose...I sorry that your husband hasn't been much support. From what I've read on this website, it seems like the people closest to us sometimes are the ones who have the hardest time dealing with our problems. Like I said in a previous post, it's odd how strangers can sometimes be more interested in and understanding of our problems than are our closest family members. I'm sorry that he left his job. That must put a lot of extra stress on you, which you obviously don't need at the moment. How are you coping? My older sister's partner got the sack from his job the other day. He just didn't bother turning up all of last week. Now they've split up. She's gonna be a single mother now. (Her baby's only 6 months old.) I guess I'm gonna be the closest thing the baby's gonna have to a dad for a while. Well, until my sister's finds a new partner, anyway.

Yes I am doing better off of the meds, although I still feel depressed. The self-loathing certainly hasn't gone away. Don't think it will until I properly come to terms with my girlfriend's abortion, which I haven't done yet. I feel a lot less tired though, which is good. (The remeron was making me feel aggressively tired all day long; I just couldn't stay awake.) I really hope that I can stay off of the medication. On the other hand, the depersonalisation is as bad as ever. My shrink said candidly that there was nothing he could do about it. Well, he said that there are some experimental drug treatments for it, but that it wasn't worth my trying them, since I am still able to function with my depersonalisation. I am seeing a psychotherapsit though, so hopefully the work I'm doing with him (which helps) will have some (positive) impact on it.

About which countries I've visited...I've been to Europe quit a few times. I've been to France (I've seen the Eiffel tower -- it's huge!), Spain and Greece. They were all really nice places. There must be so much to see and do in America. I've never been, although I'd love to -- to expensive to get there, though. However I'm sure I'll go there one day....I haven't really got a list of things I wanna do. Actually, I've never really thought about it. Maybe I should! There's certain (philosophy) books I really wanna read before I peg it. Oh, and I think I'd like to learn another language, maybe German -- then I could read the Germam philosophers I'm interested in the original.

I hope that you're not too stressed with all the packing and that your daughter's doing okay.

Take care.

Best,

James

P.S. I'm glad you feel better knowing that you can write to me. (I feel better knowing that I can write to you.) I'm always here if you need to talk.

Hi James...

I'm back... they finally got the internet up and running at my new house. I really like living here but it has been so much work to get everything done. I painted the kids rooms which made them happier and now I am working on the play room. I think my kids have as many toys as a day care.

My daughter is doing better now. They finally got the right combo of steroids and antibiotics so she is up running around making me crazy. For a while there I was worried that I would end up living at Childrens Hospital again. I hate that place. It is one of the saddest places on earth. Just being there makes me grateful for what I have.

I was sorry to hear about your sister. If the person that she was with was making life harder than I am glad that she left him. I am sure that you are a great uncle and that your sister will be grateful for any help you give her. My husband got another job. He will be working on an oil rig and be home for two weeks and then leave for two weeks. I don't know what I think about any of this. I know I am suppose to be sad that he will be gone, but I am almost releived to have a break from him. I know that probably doesn't make any sense...

How have you been? Are you still doing well without your meds? Even your messages sound more positive than when we first started posting. I hope you are still feeling better and that you can stay off the meds. I know that you said that your depersonalisation is getting worse, but what does that mean? Are you having symptoms or just different feelings? I think you are going to need to explain that to me a little more.....

well, I have more unpacking to do but I hope that you are still checking to see if I have replied because I will be looking for a post from you....

Hope to hear from you soon....
Bree

P.S. I have REALLY missed chatting with you.......

Hi James,

I just wanted to send a quick note to see if everything was okay.... I haven't heard from you in a while.... hope things are good...

Write soon...
Bree

Hey Bree,

Sorry I haven't written back. I have a problem with my computer -- it stays on for a couple of minutes, then it crashes -- so I haven't been able to write a proper reply (which I've wanted to do). My computer could crash any moment, so I hope I get to dash this reply off before it does. How are you? I hope you're doing okay. I've been thinking about you. How are things going in the new house? Good, I hope...I'm not doing great. The fact that I haven't got a job is really starting to get to me. All I seem to do all day is brood over things (past misdeeds, my girlfriend's abortion, the state of my depression, etc.). I really need something to keep my mind occupied. I applied to do volunteer work; but haven't heard anything back from the charity I applied to yet.

Anyway, I hope that you're coping okay with the stress of moving into a new house (I read somewhere that moving into a new house is one of the most stressful things that you can do); that you're daughter's doing okay; and that you're depression's not too bad.

Again, sorry for not getting back to you -- I should at least have told you that I was having problems with my computer. Forgive me? I'll write a fuller reply when I get my computer sorted out.

Take care.

Best,

James

Hi you,

Thank you for the reply... of course you are forgiven, after all, you have forgiven me everytime I take along time to write back. I was really saddend to hear that you are not doing so well. Do you think it might have anything to do with stopping your meds or do you think that it is just situational? Things will work out with the volunteer job. I didn't realize that you have to apply to do charity work. I figured they could use all the help they could get. Have you tried looking at other charities? I am sure that you will find something that you like doing soon.

Things here have been very crazy, like always... My husband left today to do five weeks of training over in Grand Junction,(a town about 300 miles away). A part of me is sad to see him go, well, I think scared is more the right word. He was never very supportive but atleast he was here to help me stay calm. Now that he is gone I am a little nervous about being with the kids the whole day long.

I called around to some doctors offices and I have an interview set up with another doctor to do office work. I pretty much got fired from my last job when my daughter got sick this last time. I can't go to work if she is in the hospital which they didn't like too much at all. So now I am interviewing somewhere new. I hope this job lasts a little longer than the last one. Speaking of my daughter, Kylie, she is doing great. Back up and running... and to prove she was all better she painted the brand new carpet in her bedroom bright pink. No kidding... bright pink.... all over the carpet... I tried to scrub it out but it was no use... So we just painted all the carpet and now everything in her room is pink... walls, ceiling, dresser, and unfortunatly the carpet. She is three so she just loves it more than anything....I guess if she is happy than i am happy.

I have been thinking about you alot lately. I find myself checking to see what time it is in London, or looking at the weather report and wondering what you are doing. I think things like... I wonder what James did today? I wonder if he thought about me today.... Silly things, but when I think about you it makes me smile... I just want you to know that your posts really help me to cheer up and feel better... I catch myself smiling just thinking about something funny you said in an old post... I hope my posts help make you feel alittle better as well...

try to feel better and I hope your computer gets fixed soon... I miss hearing from you everyday...

Bree

P.S. Quit brooding and go take a walk:) .... go pretend you are a tourist and tell me what fun you had going someplace special.... I want to know all about someplace you really like....

Dave
your depression has nothing to do with outside events.On the religious side,everything is forgivable.Concentrate on the good things in your life and keep your chin up.
Peace
Mike

Hi James...

Just wanted to send a quick note to see if everything was okay.... Hope to hear from you soon..

Bree

Hi you,

Thank you for the reply... of course you are forgiven, after all, you have forgiven me everytime I take along time to write back. I was really saddend to hear that you are not doing so well. Do you think it might have anything to do with stopping your meds or do you think that it is just situational? Things will work out with the volunteer job. I didn't realize that you have to apply to do charity work. I figured they could use all the help they could get. Have you tried looking at other charities? I am sure that you will find something that you like doing soon.

Things here have been very crazy, like always... My husband left today to do five weeks of training over in Grand Junction,(a town about 300 miles away). A part of me is sad to see him go, well, I think scared is more the right word. He was never very supportive but atleast he was here to help me stay calm. Now that he is gone I am a little nervous about being with the kids the whole day long.

I called around to some doctors offices and I have an interview set up with another doctor to do office work. I pretty much got fired from my last job when my daughter got sick this last time. I can't go to work if she is in the hospital which they didn't like too much at all. So now I am interviewing somewhere new. I hope this job lasts a little longer than the last one. Speaking of my daughter, Kylie, she is doing great. Back up and running... and to prove she was all better she painted the brand new carpet in her bedroom bright pink. No kidding... bright pink.... all over the carpet... I tried to scrub it out but it was no use... So we just painted all the carpet and now everything in her room is pink... walls, ceiling, dresser, and unfortunatly the carpet. She is three so she just loves it more than anything....I guess if she is happy than i am happy.

I have been thinking about you alot lately. I find myself checking to see what time it is in London, or looking at the weather report and wondering what you are doing. I think things like... I wonder what James did today? I wonder if he thought about me today.... Silly things, but when I think about you it makes me smile... I just want you to know that your posts really help me to cheer up and feel better... I catch myself smiling just thinking about something funny you said in an old post... I hope my posts help make you feel alittle better as well...

try to feel better and I hope your computer gets fixed soon... I miss hearing from you everyday...

Bree

P.S. Quit brooding and go take a walk:) .... go pretend you are a tourist and tell me what fun you had going someplace special.... I want to know all about someplace you really like....

Hey Bree,

I'm so sorry for not getting back to you. I haven't forgotten about you or anything. In fact, I've been thinking about you -- wondering how you are, etc. I've been terribly neglectful. My blasted computer's still on the blink; it could decide to self-destruct at any moment, so I hope I get time to write this repy...

First off, how are you? I hope you're okay. I've been wondering how you've been getting on in your new house. Okay, I hope. (Well, I hope things are better than just 'okay'.) Have you gotten your house the way you want it yet? Or is stuff still in boxes? Do you feel settled?... How is your daughter doing? I hope she's doing well and hasn't had to go back into hospital. And how are things on the job front? I was terribly sorry to read that you lost your last job. I was really hoping that it would work out for you! I hope you didn't beat yourself up over it. Like you said, your daughter has to come first -- especially when she's ill....You made me laugh when you said that your daughter painted her carpet pink! That really made me smile. Kids can be little terrors sometimes -- into everything. But if she likes it and it makes her happy, what can you do?

How are you coping without your husband? It must be strange not having him around. I hope it hasn't sent you into a depression -- the stress of coping on your own, etc. I have enough difficulty looking after myself sometimes when I'm depressed, let alone children and a house. How's he getting on with his new job?

I'm doing a bit better than when I last spoke to you. I'm not brooding as much, although certain things still seem to bother me relatively persistently. I'm not sure what caused me to become more depressed -- whether it was situational or whether it had to do with coming off of my medication. I'm still glad that I'm off meds, though. I never liked being on them; they never really had any affect on me; they gave me side-effects (especially the anti-psychotic). I'm seeing my p-doc next monday, so I can talk things over with him then -- although I'm definitely not going back on meds: I cant stand the thought of another merry-go-round of side-effects/withdrawals, etc.

I guess one of the reasons I'm feeling a bit better is that I've made some progress with my voluntary work. I got a reply from one of the organisations I wrote to; they said that I could probably go in and help them 3 days a week, which suits me fine. I'm in the process of setting up an informal interview with them. (I think that they just want to make sure that I'm not a raving lunatic before they take me on -- well, the depression still causes me to hear voices, so I guess I am a bit nuts!) I'm hoping that this voluntary work will help dragg me out of my depression a bit by enabling me to regain my sense of self-worth, which has been virtually none existent for the past 18 months or so --although I'm not getting my hopes up too much -- don't want to set myself up for a fall.

I've been thinking about you too. Your posts help to cheer me up also. I've been really pissed off at not being able to post more regularly -- I'll have to get this damned computer fixed! I miss our conversations -- they brighten up my day. And I hope you don't think that I've forgotten about you, because I most certainly haven't. You helped me out when I was at an extremely low edd, something which I won't forget.

Anyway, I'll quickly post this message before my computer dies.

Take care.

Best,

James.

P.S. Post back soon, I want to hear from you.

Hi James,

I cannot tell you how excited I was to see your post. I have really missed being able to log on everyday and see a message from you. PLEASE get your computer fixed. It was making me a little crazy to not hear from you....

First off, how great for you to have a formal interview at the volunteer center! I think it will help you to feel so much better. I think depression is such a horrible cycle. First you are too tired to do anything, than you are mad at yourself for not doing anything, which makes you even more depressed than you were to start out. I hope volunteering brings some light and purpose to your life. I know that you have such a passion for animals so I think it will be so great for you. I know that you are going to do great so please try to be excited. Sometimes our hopes are what get us through the day.

It sounds like you know that you don't want meds. I think that is a good thing. Some people on this board think medicine is the answer for everything. I think it depends on the person. If your medicine was giving you more side effects than help, than I think you made the right choice. After all, you know yourself better than anybody else. You just tell those voices to quiet down....:)

Things here are good. I think I am doing just fine without my husband around. Most times I actually like it. I do what I want, when I want to. If I want to take the kids to the park, I do it. I don't have to talk to him first or feel guilty about leaving him home alone when he says he doesn't want to come with. Now, don't think for one minute I don't have my bad moments. I certainly do, but things as a whole are good. Infact, they lowered my dosage of Lexapro because I am doing so well. Hopefully soon, I will be able to stop taking the darn medicine for good.

The house is a work in progress. Right now I am working on a mural for my kids playroom. It is a wall sized treasure map with mermaids, princesses, pirates, and treasure.... needless to say... a huge pain in the butt. The kids already love it and I really like to paint so it is almost relaxing to see it go up on the wall. By the time I am done, the whole room will have a pirate theme...... just takes lots of time to get it done.

I love reading what you have written. The way you talk is so Londonish... it always makes me smile when you use words like, sacked and blasted. I think you sound so cute. Anyway... you better not wait so many days before writing me back. Makes me sad when I don't see anything from you for so long.....

Thinking of you.....
Bree

P.S.