:bouncing: Hi im new here,

and i need somewere to vent my thoughts and feelings , the best way to discribe it is i feel like my soul is dead imthe living dead.

Im so depressed i just want to be alone, i lie in bed all day with the curtains drawn i just want to be alone. Cant seem to get excited about anything even my apperance is slacking,i just find myself reflecting on all my past regrets.life has just passed me by iv missed out on marriage,careers,true friendships all because i have this self inposed guard up to scared to let anyone close, i feel its to late to fix it im to used to being this withdrawn way and iv not got the strenght to pick myself up, everyones got something going in there life were i have no direction.

I have a very low selfestem and feel to inadequite to function in society like i dont deserve to get what others take for granted like im scared of the big bad world.

I was brought up by an alcholic violent father and a nasty nurotic mother made to feel really unwelcome, then i was bullied at school, then i got into a bad bussness leaving me feeling used and abused. Then i had my first child was so stressed with postnatal depression and his horrible father i could no longer care for him. I dont go for things in liife because im scared of everything all the time.

Iv been biopolar since 14yr but since having child just been depressed. i have no life feel a complete wast of space whats the point in it all.

Wow, almost those same thoughts/phrases were running through my head on the walk I took just a few minutes ago.. as far as feeling that my very existance is something I need to continually apologize for, and that I am not worthy of taking up space on this earth, etc. etc.. Feeling guilty for existing.

I did not have a troubled past like you did, though.. I don't really have an excuse for feeling this way. And I can't pretend to understand that part of your suffering. But I am sorry you have been through what you have. And I am sorry you are feeling this way now. I wish I had some helpful advice.. I don't. Just know that you're not as alone as you think you are.

Shortly after my depression hit, I felt the same way Lashing and Wondering. I think guilt is one of the hardest things in the world to carry with you. I felt guilty about everything. If something went wrong, I didn't even question whose fault it was. I was positive it was mine.

That was many years ago, but I still find myself feeling guilty about things, I know now, are not my fault. I think it's the nature of the beast. (depression)

I had to go on meds so I could care for my children, and they are working to a point. I still over react to situations. I am sensitive and I hate that. As I get older I don't think my depression improves a whole lot, but I just learn different ways to hide it from people. I have a good psychiatrist and family doctor. My family is loving and good. That makes it almost worse. I'm hoping your depression will let up soon. I have seen it do that several times.

I wish you the very best,
Whisper

One of the most horrible things about depression is that it messes with your reasoning, making you believe things about yourself that aren't true, like that you're worthless.

It may sound silly, but if you're feeling like a waste of space, try doing something that will make you feel like you've accomplished something. It can be something as simple as cleaning the house. Or you could try volunteering, say for habitat for humanity or a soup kitchen. Maybe you can go to a nursing home and visit with the patients. If you're religious, join a church, they have many opportunities for volunteer work.

except for the child part, every word of that initial post, the first one, describes me. violent abusive father, nasty neurotic mother, bullied at school, solitude for last 15 years, lie in bed all day with curtains drawn, can't work, can't concentrate, substance abuse etc etc

Yeah i def know what you mean buddy. I was teased sometimes at school, and was always the one standing alone. I also lie in bed watching tv most of the time with the curtains closed. I know i can't live like this before, but it seems i try as long as i can. It's kinda killing me, but i dont know what can help me. Sometimes i feel so horrid i wonder why im doing this to myself.