Hi again everyone,

I just want to tell everyone that I'm now into day 36 & still doing fine.
My energy is coming back, (not as fast as I'd like) but I am getting older, & that may be part of it.
Pain level is manageable with IB so far.
It has been trying at times, lots of cravings but so far I've managed to work through them.
I thank everyone for the help & support.

Bob

P.S. to Dave,
He got four months in the county jail with work release.
What really bugs me, is they now talk about how you will do Tough Time for Gun Crimes.

hi bb,
thaks for your post to my thread. you are my new best friend :) i am very interested to hear how you have gotten this far. have you been doing it alone? i have tried to taper twice before w/help from my husband who would ration them out to me and i failed both times. now i know it was because the schedule i was using was too dramatic and i wasnt giving myself enough time. i hate to ask him for help this time, he is so exasperated w/me. i want to manage my own pill intake but im not 100% convinced i can do it. any suggestions. i'm struggling w/whether or not i should do outpatient because of the cost, time commitment and even though medical records are private, i know how corporations work. if they get a whiff of my addiction support they will find a reason to get rid of me ... im sure of it.
good luck on the rest of your journey, you sound like you have so much confidence which im hoping you can share a little w/me :)

helpmarie,
Your welcome for the reply.
As you probably know, I've had to live with pain for several years, my wife has also.
She had a birth defect in her back, & is fused in her neck, & lower spine. She was also on O/C, but her dose was a little lower than mine. Me at 6 80mg tabs a day, & her at 5 80mg tabs a day. We helped each other get off. We started tappering by one a day the first week, then went two, then three, & stayed there for a month. We then went down another for a month, & so on till we ran out. I'm sorry but I can't tell you how to cut back on yours, it just depends on how you feel, & your willpower to do it. You have to really want to get off, & stay off to succeed. I really wanted off badly! I was still in pain, (and right now it seems like it was more pain) & I was always running out before the end of the month. It finally sunk in my brain that I had a problem, I wasn't using them for pain control anymore, I was using to try & get the high. I am confident I can do this, & I'm hoping that you can do it too! You can if you really want it bad enough! You might need outpatient help, or at least N/A, or A/A. Me I prayed alot, & I'm not religious. We had just buried my mother before we went cold turkey, & I prayed to her for help. I prayed to my dead father for help. I prayed to my dead brother for help, & I prayed to God for help. I've always been strong willed, (I think being in the Marines helped) except when it came to the drugs. Anything else if I wanted it done I did it. I'll be your best friend, & help you all I can. You can be mine, & help me, because it's still very hard at times. I don't know about the company you work for, but the one I work for gives you one chance in a clinic, but if you get caught after that your done no matter how long you have worked for them. I've been working here for 26 years, (I got shot three days short of my first month here) & fortunatly for me I didn't go to a clinic, so I still have my one chance. I have to post when I'm out to work, as I haven't got internet sevice at home. Right now I'm on nights for 3 more after tonight, then 3 days off, then 4 days on. When I'm here, & you need a hand to lean on, just start writing.
Bob

hey bob,
i woke up and the first thing i wanted to do, as usual is take some pills. but i thought i would go online a bit first to take my mind off of them. it was so great to hear from you! i have been living on this website .... reading, reading, reading. reading addicts stories and the ones that really touch me are the posts by their loved ones who come here to find out why thier husband or wife would ever do such a stupid and selfish thing. at first my husband never blamed me because i was in legitimate pain, now i fear he is getting bitter and resentful. however, he can still manage to put his arm around me and look at me adoringly ... god how can he do that? he works a crappy shift like you do ... a few days, a few nights then off for a stretch. its hard on his body, 12 hour shifts :eek: he's been doing it for over ten years ... i dont know how, it exhasts me just trying to cook for him :)
i am still leaning towards quitting on my own, i want to see if i am able to do some steep tapering while im at work and busy. im keeping my appointment as a back up plan. damnit i wish i were strong enough to do this by myself.

oh yeah - i hope you enjoy the holiday! and thanks again for sending some of your strength my way.

He can do that because he loves you, & doesn't want to see you ruin your life! Dammit, you can do this! Keep telling yourself you are strong enough, and think what it's doing to your husband, & especially your kids. Yea it's damm tough, it still is for me at times, but you can do it if you really want to! The W/D's will still be the worst part, if you can get through them ( AND YOU CAN!) you can get through the rest. I have faith in you.
Bob

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to get you in the right mind set.
You enjoy the holiday too. The only good thing about it for me is I get doubletime & a half for working it. Thats another reason I wanted off, I could see I would never get out of this place. Too much money going for the habit! Now I hope to be out of here in four years. Thats my incentive. You need to come up with some of your own.
Bob

i believe i can, i bet weaker people have. i bet people w/less support have done it. i know im being a baby. these stupid pills like brainwashed me into thinking i couldnt endure a little pain and discomfort (well, not so little pains) but hell, i brought 2 children into this world ... i quit smoking and i even survived the cancellation of seinfeld :) thanks so much for the encouragement ... you got me all revved up!
How are you today? Do you have a date in mind? What will you do for your pain if you quit altogether? im worried for you ... not to live on drugs but not to live in pain either. my pain is actually mild and manageable w/out these drugs, i dont think i ever took them for the pain. vicodin immediately became my antidepressant, energizer and motivator ... never pain reliever.
thanks bob

I'm off the oxy's & roxy's totally. The only thing I'm taking now is Ibprophen. Still too much of that, but I hope to cut back on that also before it tears me up again. It has in the past. The only thing I'm worried about is if I have what I call a Gut Flare. Blocked Bowel or Pancreantitis. If I do, I'm just going to have to live through the pain. (I HOPE!) My back still kills me at times but I'm living with it. I think most of that pain is coming from scar tissue in my guts. I did it in the past, for 17 years, if I set my mind to it I think I can do it again. I'm glad I revved you up! Thats what I was trying to do. You can do it! I'll be here to help.

i just posted this ? on another thread, maybe you'll have some insight: what do you think about using tramadol to help with the wd's since it is not an opiod? i dont really want to add more drugs to my regime but i do remember taking it when i couldnt get anything else and getting some relief. just a thought, however, i still feel confident in my current path. boy I cant wait to get clean. there are so many things i want to do that i cant while im on drugs like moderate-high impact exercise, sleeping for 8 hours straight and not waking up in a puddle of sweat, buying new clothes instead of drugs w/my extra money and feeling really really deeply. that's my motivation. outside of my husband and kids of course.

I've never had tramadol, so I did a search on them. They are non narcotic, but they still work in the same way. It might be easier for you to tapper off them, but I still think your going to go through W/D's. I don't know if they would be as bad. They can be addictive, so if you go that way be aware of that. Just keep thinking positive. You can do this! If your like I am now, it will take awhile for your energy to come back, so it might be some time before you get up to the high impact exercise. Keep thinking of all the good things you can buy with the money your wasting now, it does help me when I'm down like tonight. This is one of my Bad Days, the weather is wet, & cold,& that makes me hurt worse. I had frost on my windshield when I went home this morning. I got about two hrs. of broken sleep today, & that dosen't help either. My brain tells me I need the drugs to get through. I've already taken enough IB to kill a horse today, & I don't dare take anymore for at least 6 hrs. This is when I need the support of others. The only good things are I'm out to work till 6 a.m., & can't leave. I live in a small town, & couldn't get Oxy off the street if I wanted to. I'm sure I could find something, but I keep telling myself you have 37 days in & this will pass. But it's stiil been a hard day for me. If I can get through, so can you.

hey bob, my heart goes out to you. i hate to think of you fighting 2 battles, the pain and your addiction. i also had a bad day ... i didnt stick to the taper schedule i set for myself. i just wanted to get off the damned couch and clean a little and play w/the kids. so i took some extra pills. youre awesome for toughing it out. i know sometimes my husband gets very little sleep and then has to go in for another 12 hour shift ... i dont know how the hell he does it. he is so proud and strong. i think it keeps him going just to be our provider. i work, but mine is just a complimentary income compared to his. i take care of the bills and he doesnt know how i have cut corners here and there to get drugs. i guess ive been an embezzler in my own home. i hope our relationship will withstand all of the deception i have brought into it. boy do i suck as a support person, you say youre having abad day and i send more crap your way. im sorry, but it does help me tremendously to talk.
take care

I've been hoping all night you would come on & drop me a line. I've been having cravings all day since I got up. My back feels like it's breaking in half tonight. Thankfully that doesn't happen all the time. I have to tell you that I've thought hard about breaking into a co-workers locker since I got here. He has hydro in there. Just 5/500's but still it's been very tempting! The only things that have kept me from doing it is that I Never-Ever want to go through W/D's again, & this man is my best friend out here, & he would know if I got into them. He uses one when he gets Gout. He is also a very religous Morman. ( I'm surrounded by lots of them) Don't get me wrong, there not bad people they just don't understand addiction,& mainly don't tolarate it. I's just part of living in a small town in the west. In not going to berate you for using more. when your ready you'll do it. I still have faith in you. I do know what your husband is going through, I've worked a rotating shift for 26 years. 8hr when I first hired on, for 18 years then we went to 12's. The 12's are alot better than the 8's. I did work straight days for 8 years, as a mechanic on this boiler, but I went back to shift a year & a half ago because operations is easier on my body, & it's alot more money. I hope your still on, because I need your support tonight!

And hey I too have cut corners to buy drugs. Not Oxy's, but hydro's, perk's, & what ever else I could find. I also had stolen out of my wifes supply alot of times. I'm sure were not the only ones who have done this! And don't worry about sucking as a support person, & sending crap my way. It helps me to talk to someone who understands too!

im so ashamed of the people i have stolen drugs from ... my mom, my father in law. in jan my husband had dental surgery and got a hydro script. he barely used it, hes very against drugs. i found the bottle eventually though he tried to hide it. one day i was in such bad wds he wanted tohelp so he went to the drug store to see if he could refill his rx. he was mortified when they told him it had been refilled 2x and there were none left. "i felt like a criminal baby" he said. i cant believe what drugs has lowered me to. i listen to you and i realize it will be a long, possible lifetime battle ... one day at a time right? this will pass too.

it is such a thankless unrewarding battle. i know that sounds selfish but its like we get to go through all this crap of trying to get and stay clean and where's the reward? i still get to go to the same old unappreciative job where i am an itty bitty little person. i still get to get taken for granted at home and the reward is i get to do it sober? i know thats dumb. i know the rewards are plenty. it is just hard to see them through crappy days. i read posts of addicts who have lost thier spouses, children, homes, freedom ... everything. it could happen to me. it could happen so easily. my dealer is an older woman who lives w/her son and daughter in law. she used to be married, had a house, had respect. now she has a little room, and her reward is she gets to be on methadone the rest of her life. god i dont want to end up like that. ive got to get a plan and see it through. im working on it. im such a scarlet oharra, always wanting to think about it tomorrow. so nice to talk to you bob.

I'ts a everyday mental battle, some better than others, & I do think it will be for life. I can tell you this, it has gotten better except for certain times like today. Alot of times my wife thought the drug store had cheeted her, but it was me every time. She did finally find out what I was doing, & I did fess up. She is the one who finally got it through my head that I had a problem. She had been wanting to get off for a long time before I agreed to do it. She was ready to leave me, & she was on this crap too!

I told you, I have faith in you. You will do it, & it will get better. When that happens, you will see it was worth it! There will be bad days, like mine & yours today, you just have to have the mental toughness to see them through. I'll tell ya, I came DAMM CLOSE to getting in that locker tonight.

im so afraid of never feeling good again, but thats crazy. i lived a happy fulfilling life for 28 years w/out drugs. ive always been a drinker though, not anymore ... dont need it. i wonder if i willpick that back up when i get off the pills. i hope not, i was beginning to feel the effects of it on my body. i think thats how i relapsed ... searching for the euphoria. i tried the twelve steps on my own w/a book i bought which focuses on the 12 steps for women. you really need a group to work it though. im not religous, but i did try to find my higher power ... unsuccessful, im too logical. yoga always helped, but i always felt like i could feel better w/pills and then i finally convinced myself i could take them now and again for the blues. that was another lie i told myself. now im worse off then when i first started taking them. i guess i have to get used to the idea of not ever being high again. or maybe i can remember how i used to get high off of life? i think i did at one time? its hard to remember me w/out drugs.

I'll tell ya this little story. I quit drinking & smoking in 1989 right after my dad passed on. I exercized every day, and had a juicer I used every day. That was the best I'd felt since before I got shot. I started smoking again 8 months later, ( still don't drink, but have thought about using that again) Then I got on the drugs. I've felt like crap since then. Yea I got the euforia from the drugs, & felt good for awhile, but that never lasted. Smokings my next big hurtle. I hope to get back to a part of what I felt like then.

just think, you and i used to be 2 healthy on fire thriving individuals. it is hard to remember. i think when i was pregnant w/my daughter i was the healthiest ever. i walked several times a day, ate a balance diet and did yoga religously. i felt so good. now that my girl is on the outside of me, it is hard to convince myself to stay healthy. i know she will need me, so will my son. i cant imagine someone else caring for them. my boy is 14 but has multiple disabilities and needs alot of care. it is hard sometimes for even me to be compassionate and im his mommy. i cant let anyone else do it, they wouldnt be as kind. i have to get better for the kids. they deserve ahealthy mom. i know i can do this. we both can.

It's been damm good to talk with you tonight, I no longer feel like I need to get in that locker. See you have helped!

you are so right though ... when it comes right down to it. i havent felt truly good and alive since i started taking the pills. boy these things have brainwashed me big time.

I'm sorry about your son! The only one we had died of crib death at three months. He would have been 28 in febuary. We did raise our two nieces, there mother was a coke head, and gave us gardianship. Thats when I started smoking again. Alot of times I feel we were no better than there mother, we never poped pills in front of them, but they knew what was going on. We always told them it was for pain, but they knew it was for the high. Kids are alot smarter than people give them credit for.

Your kids do deserve a cleen, & healthy mom. I just wish I hadn't been a drug-ie when we raised the ones we got. You have to do this for there sake as well as yours. You can do it!

i cant imagine losing a child, that really sucks bob, im sorry. you dont have to feel sorry for my boy, he is the happiest kid i know! unfortunately though, he will need some sort of care probably the rest of his life. i want to be the one to do that for as long as i possible can.
hey bob, ive been thinking about this outpatient evaluation i have on thurs. i really dont want to go. the time, the money ... and, whatever they give me, suboxone or methadone, i will have to eventually detox from that too right? i have read equal amounts of good and bad stories about that kind of treatment. i really would rather do this on my own, in my own time. also, i read that methodone treatment can take years. i dont want to spend another year of my life dependent. i think a slow taper is the way for me. what do you think? i know, i know, you cant tell me what to do. i know ive got to figure it out for myself. youve been a great help. i am up for the day i will hang out online for another hour and then start getting ready for the day. a new day.

maybe it is time to go back and talk w/my family doc. however, i question her authority on addiction. when i went to her a couple months ago saying i was trying to stop taking the vicodin but was having severe depression, she said i might have gone off them too fast and asked if i wanted more. i thought that was cooky, i said no, at that time i had been clean for a few days and didnt want to face another detox. maybe i should go to another doc.? but probably they will just recommend a facility anyway. i am just brainstorming outloud ... i need a plan. i have always been a rule person, if i have system or a plan i am more likely to stay on track.
i bet you were a great dad to you neices. do you talk much now? just disregard if i am being too inquisitive.

I didn't want to go to a detox either in or out. Our fine Dr. wouldn't help us so we had to do it on our own. I think it's a great idea for you, if you think you can make it though that way. I do have to tell you again, you will still go into W/D's when you finally go cold turkey. It probably will be bad for several days. Be prepaired for that. I'll try to help you through as much as I can. Damm I wish this thing had a spell check, I can't spell for sh!/. I wish you all the best, & I know you can do it if you want it bad enough. I have to go fill a tank, & get some readings, but I'll be back in just a few.

I'll tell you about my kids when i get back

We got them when they were 6, & 9. We tried to raise them right, to respect there elders,etc. We talked to them about drugs, sex, alcohol, & what could happen to them if they were to do any of them. We also told them that we knew they would experiment as thats a part of growing up. We also didn't let them run wild. They had such a jumbled & crapy life before we got them. Always on the move, & their parents having sex, & doing coke in front of them. The older one is married & has 3 young kids, but this last year she has been out to the bars most every night. She has had four affairs we just found out about, & is leaving her husband & kids for this last one. We haven't talked to her since we got on her butt about it. She won't talk to us, as now she says she has no family because no one will back her up about what she is doing. The younger one got into to using meth (speed type) but is now cleened herself up because she is pregnant & is due in august. I hope to god she stays that way for the babys sake. We talked to her yesterday, & told her we were sending her money for a car seat. We have to take part of the responceabilty for how they turned out, we were using while they were growing up!

its so hard to know if youre doing the right thing for your kids. you can do your best but in the end its thier life. my mom was very loose and non-restrictive and i managed to lead a straight and narrow adulthood. ironically now that she is aware of my drug problem she is now trying to do the tough love thing. incidentally, she became a mormon a couple of years ago and i find it quite nausiating. im too hard on her. she has good intentions and she loves me and i can use all the help i can get right now. i hope your neice and you start talking soon. the wrong men have this way of coming between a woman and her parents. i hope she comes around soon and realizes you just want to see her happy.
i hear what youre saying about no matter what path i chose i will have to face the w/ds .... god damned wds, wds. that is what is f--king w/my courage right now. the last time i think i might have down unspeakable things just to get some relief. i turned into a devil!!!! im so glad i have you this time, i hope we can help pull each other up.

We did spoil these kids, maybe too much. Just tried to keep them from running with the wrong crowd. I know about morman mothers, mine was one all her life. Like I said, I'm surrounded by them. Most of this town is morman, including the city & county government. I hope my older one does come around, she knows better. She watched, & is doing the same thing her real mother did, & is still doing. Always has to have a new man, & one that likes to beat on them. W/D's were my biggest fear too, I'd gone through them for short periods of time when we were using, & would run out. None of them were as bad as when we did it for what I hope is the last time. 5 days of pure hell, then 17 more of a lesser hell. I'm not trying to scare you, thats just the way it was for me. But then again, i was using heavy for almost ten years. If i can do it, you can. I know you can just by talking with you. In that respect, we have alot in common.

I know you have to get ready to go to work, & are probably already off line. I'm in a different time zone, it's only 4:15 here. I want you to know, you did pull me up tonight! You helped me stay away from that locker, and I really appriciate that! I made it through another day, & I'm feeling alot better about myself for not caveing in to that devil. Thats how I always felt about using too. There was a devil, or demon inside of me. I hope you have a great day, & thanks!

thanks bob, so good to hear you believe in me. im starting my day now. gotta get the kids up and fed and out the door. my job is usually very slow, i have a lot of time to myself if i need it, but i will try to stay busy. i will look for you tonight(cant remember your sched.) if not tonight i will talk w/you when youre back to work and be thinking of you.
take care okay

i helped you? wow ... youre welcome :wave:

I'll be back tonight, & the next.

Hello to both of you! I feel like I have been invading your privacy by reading your posts, but they have given me reason to write a post for the first time on this site. You both sound extremely courageous as you try to help one another, and I wanted to thank both of you for allowing me to listen in.
My friends call me Reetz, and if you read the book on my life, I am sure you would both associate with alot of it. I have 4 grown children, three which are identical triplets. My addiction story began a very long time ago. I began as a cocaine addict/dealer back in the '80's, and after some years of almost losing everything, I was busted and sent to prison for some time. I wanted so badly to stay clean that I actually wrote to every congressman and senator I could to beg them to make sure I got in-patient treatment before I was released (as we all know, there is no such thing as treatment in the prison system). Well, it worked, and I went to a 6 month treatment facility. That was then....let me fast-forward to a closer date before I bore you both to death, ok?
6 years ago, I began by going to a physician for some back pain I was having. Withing the past 6 years, I went from a great mother and wife to someone my family couldn't recognize. Don't take me wrong, I could function just fine...as long as I had my pills. I was aware the entire time that I was addicted, but it was the toughest addiction I had ever known (and believe me, I know most!). I guess about two years ago is when I came to the conclusion that I was going to die if changes weren't made.
I left my husband (who was not healthy for me to be around) and moved out on my own. Well, I tried and tried, but it only got worse. By now, I was the smartest addict there is....one that knows how to abuse the system without anyone knowing. I was seeing two different doctors (don't worry, I had shopped around to find the best, and had already been to probably 25 doctors before I settled on these two). By then I had it made: The first doctor was seeing me every six months just to say "hi" and renew my script for vicodin for the next six months. He was giving me 150 pills per month.
The second doctor was even better. She would see me every month for a few minutes, and send me off with a script for 240 pills of vicodin(hydrocodone). So between the two doctors, I was getting 390 pills a month. Sounds like alot, huh? Well, not for me! I would run out of pills within two weeks (yes, you calculated it right, I was taking about 30 pills OR MORE a day!!!) Then for the rest of the month, I was buying pills. Not only vicodin, either. I thought I was the luckiest person in the world when I found someone who would sell me oxycontin 40 mg. tabs for $10 each! And where did all the money come from? An absolutely wonderful man who I had met and become engaged to. He was a recovering alcoholic and had been clean for 8 years, and he knew what was going on, although I didn't think he did.
Fast forward to six months ago... I had reached bottom in my mind. Although I had terrible chronic back pain, the meds weren't used for that. They were there to get me high. I opened up to this wonderful man, not knowing that he was simply waiting for me to come to him. We made a plan together, and although it wasn't easy, he has stood by me since.
Three months ago, we made an appointment with a pain specialist, and after seeing that over the years I had tried every alternative to pain along with the meds (most I did only so that the doctor would keep giving me pills), she talked to me about methadone for chronic pain. Now mind you, she didn't know about my addiction and all the other doctors and buying of meds. She was simply giving me the methadone to try to help me with the pain.
Now are you ready for the miracle? THE METHADONE WORKED!!! Not only did it take away most of the pain, I had NO withdrawal symptoms at all! (and I have gone through withdrawal many, many times before!) I now call it my "miracle" drug, and have recently even come clean to my family and children about what I had been doing for the past 5-6 years.
Hey, I am not saying this is the answer for anyone else, but when I heard the story from "helpmarie" and how she was so uncertain about trying methadone, I had to write my first posting to you two.
Only you can make the decision, but the way I looked at it for me, I had NO withdrawal symptoms, and I researched the hell out of it when she gave it to me. To me, it is one of the safest forms of pain relief AND addiction withdrawal help there is. Of course, this is only my opinion, but as someone who has been through almost every form of addiction in her life (therein lies another story), I love it!
Thank you both for allowing me to push my way in to your conversation. I know I feel better just writing about it.
Although I am not a real religious person (but I am very spiritual), I have this saying right next to my computer:

I asked my God to take away my addiction.
He told me no.
"It is not for me to take....
but for you to give up."

hi reetz, i guess bob and i got so caught up i forgot this was huge community :) welcome! and thanks alot for sharing, i will take all the help i can get. please continue to post. i have been thinking about outpatient treatment and i finally have come to the conclusion that i want to do this w/out a clinic. not on my own though i have this site, boy has it helped me through this horrid weekend. and guess what bob? i went to an aa meeting today! i loved it! i had left my last dose of oxy at home purposely so i wouldnt take it too soon and by 11am i was in quite a bit of pain. i was considering coming home but leaning more toward going to the dealer to re-up. but instead i just opened the phone book, looked up aa and found a meeting for noon. it was in a church, about 30 people or so. very young to very old. they did some ceremonious things in the beginning and then there was an open floor and people just randomly told stories. it was so emotional and after listening for about a half hour i wanted to speak. i raised my hand, gave my name but i didnt give the quote "and im an alcoholic" as everyone else did. just the same, everyone said hi. i then said i wasnt an alcoholic, and i wasnt clean and i wasnt even sure if i should be here. i told the group i have drug problem and them sort of cried through some thoughts about wanting to get clean. the people who told their stories after me all addressed me and assured me that i was in the right place and asked me to come back. it was so inspiring, i felt a lot of courage and love. i am really looking forward to going back. i have more to tell you bob but im still trying to get the baby to sleep. how are you? hows your day going?
talk soon

I just have a minute right now. I have to regenerate a water softener, takes about a Hr. No reetz I don't mind, after all this is a public forum. I'll tell you some of the reasons I want to stay clean when i get back. HEY MARIE THATS GREAT! I still have faith you'll do it, & maybe they will be able help in ways where others like me can't.

so bob, this morning i called my doc and told a little white lie, i said i had re-aggravated my injury and needed something stronger than the naproxen i was give by my back doc. but not a narcotic. i specifically asked for tramadol and she didnt have a problem calling in the rx. though i was riding high on the aa meeting by 4pm when i got to the drug store i was in quite a bit of pain. i immediately doubled the prescribed dose and felt some relief. then that old addict emerged and i took another to get even more relief. i was feeling fine but went for the buzz and took yet another. that was my whole day's dosage in less than 2 hours. i blew it. but i still am going to work these pills. i just took that last dose of oxy i had. i really wanted to just flush it but couldnt bring myself to. my plan is to take these pills as prescribed to help w/the wds and NO MORE OPIATES. i am only supposed to take 1 every 6 hours and i know its going to bring quite a bit of pain. but i think the ultram will bring just enough relief to help me work and be a mom. i feel like im ready for the pain now. i really, think i can do it. thats my plan. yeah - i already know what youre going to say ... there will still be wds when i finally jump. i think im ready this time. i want it so bad. i want my husband to be proud of me again.

hey reetz, im curious, is meth your longterm pain management plan? im glad you found something that both treats your pain as well as your addiction. i was beginning to get so tired of trying to get better. i would try to quit and make it a day, maybe a day and a 1/2 and then give into the pain. for the last couple months i have been jolting my body in and out of w/d symtoms. and then i would quit trying ton quit just to give my system a break. funny, i was really starting to believe that i was supposed to stay on the drugs, that they were my cure and nobody could take the away from me. also, it seemed like i was always getting in trouble when i tried to quit. do you know what i mean? if i went along and went to work and cleaned the house, took care of the kids and popped my little pills everything was fine. but as soon as i started trying to get clean, that's when the trouble would start. but that is just one of the many lies this damn drug tells me. im rambling, it was nice to hear your story, id like to hear more. btw, did you find your knight in shining armour? i love a story that ends in happily ever after, that's what im shooting for :)

I've got about 15 min. while it finishes taking brine, then I have to go back out. Marie, don't beat yourself up about taking your daily dose, & the last Oxy. i have to admit it, when we were tappering, I snuck in several extras that the wife doesn't know about. Thats probably the reason I had such bad W/D's. She got over them alot faster than i did. Just keep trying to keep that devil out of your head, he will be there to temp you all the time. The devil in me is still trying, just like last night.Talking to you kept me from doing it. I was getting ready to when your first post came in. THANKS! Gotta Go, I've got a problem out there.

Dammed old crap! (installed in 1966) Supposted to be full auto. (never has been) Have to keep switching valves to get it to work. Sorry, I know it's off topic, but I had to vent. Marie, I'm somewhat better today. Back still hurts (always does) but not near as bad as yesterday. I even managed to get 4hrs. of broken sleep today instead of my usual 2. The weather warmed up to a wopping 60 today, & the sun even came out for awhile. Reetz, I don't want to go back on a narcotic, any narcotic. I would abuse it. I'm glad it's working for you though, & by the way I forgot to say welcome! I do have just cause for being on pain meds, I've had 11 surgerys over the years, five of them very major. My last one (not major) was in january, I had to have all my teeth taken out. (yea I'm a gummer now, not fun!) My #1 reason, is I know my wife of 29 years would leave me. She is not going to put up with the lie's, the money spent getting it off the street etc. anymore. Belive me, if I could have gotten Oxy on the steet here before I would have. This town is way too small, & it's just not on the steet here. The second reason is, I have to stay straight for my youngest daughters sake. If she knows I'm still chasing the high, she has a much better chance of going back on drugs herself. I need to show her that it can be done. She needs to stay staight for the baby that is comming sake. The other reasons are I want to retire in four more years, buy a 5th wheel, or small motor home, & travel. I want out of this plant, & town real bad. By that time I'll have 30 years in this place, & thats long enough. I can't do that if I'm spending all that money on drugs. I was traveling 2hrs. one way just to get to my so called pain doc. This town is so small, that there are only 3 drs. here, & not a one of them is brave enough to write pain med scripts. I not trying to say i'm all that brave, but I can put up with alot of pain. I've had to do it for a very long time. I just need to try & get back to that place where I was in 89, where it wasn't so bad.

i just got up from my customary 3 hours sleep. at this point i usually take a couple pills and then go back to sleep after a couple hours or i take a lot of pills and stay up all night. i think those sleepless nights are the worst part of the wds. i have restless leg syndrome(rls) and when w/ding it is super intesified. before and during my last pregnancy (that is until my 7th month when it got real bad and i couldnt medicate it) i managed my rls fine just by avoiding caffiene and practicing yoga regulary. but after the baby came i strictly relied on the vikes to give me relief. back pain, rls, headache and day stress, all gone w/just a few pills. before i started on the oxy/roxis i was actually taking handfulls of vikes at a time. i really hope i havent done any permanent damage to myself. when my doc. wrote the rx today she said she wanted to see me in a couple weeks. her and her damned appointments ... between me and my hubby who is a diabetic, she's co-paying us to death :) anyway, i think i will ask for her to check to see if ive caused any damage over the last couple years on hydro. do you know what kinds of tests might be done? i am particularly concerned about my liver.
you sound like my hub. when he calls home cursing the damned plant he works in for having one thing or another shut down. he works for a large comp. that has been making very aggressive layoffs for years now. they keep bouncing him from one dept. to another, he is very strong and valued. but this last department change involved a big rank cut (luckily not pay cut) and he isnt very happy. actually hes quite miserable ... going from a supervisor to a worker bee. i wish i could do something ... i suppose getting clean and lifting some of his home worries couldnt hurt. there's another motivator for me. havent heard from you much toninight, you must be pretty busy. ill be up and down for the rest of the night/morning. :cool:

I'm stiil here, other than readings every hr. things should stay slow now that I got the regen done. That is unless something breaks down. I have alot more equipment to watch, than just the boiler, but most of the time it just hums away. I used to work on all of it when I was the day mech. This company is like your husbands, it used to be the 4th largest chemical company in the world, but they sold most of that off, & are now into ag plant genetics. Were just a small plant in this huge company. It's nothing like it was when I first hired on, now it's do more with less, & all politicly corect. I hate it! How is your pain level since you took your last Oxy, & have gotten back up? Are you managing it ok? I'm here to help when you need me, just like you were for me last night. I also used to take handfulls of vikes when I could get them, on top of the oxy. I know where your comming from, we do have alot in common when it comes to abuse.

I know what you mean about kicking legs, mine have done it for years but only when I'm in bed for some reason. When I was in the first part of w/d's, (5 days worth) I couldn't keep them or my arms still. I actually but a big bruise on my foot from them kicking, & wore a hole in my elbow. I also wanted to reach in and rip my heart out. God how I hate that feeling. I am going to feel for you totally when you get to that point. Just remember, I went through it, & made it, & I'm here to get you through it for hopefully your last time.

thanks for asking, im pretty comfortable, i will see how the pain progresses today. i'll stay busy ... having been on vacation there is plenty to do. but on the other hand, not having a local supervisor allows me to do it when i want. i love my job. ive been property managing for a few years now ... low stress, some busy times but often quite. its a good place to have another baby. hub. and i both want another one, we're thinking 2008ish. gotta be clean though, gotta be healthy. the more i write the more i find my motivation.
how's your pain tonight?

I forgot to tell you, you do need to have you liver checked. (simple blood test) Tylanol (sp) plays hell on the liver when you take more than a normal everyday dose.

It's there, it's always there, but bearable. Thank you for asking. Thats a damm good motivation for getting clean. Probably the best one yet!

I've gotta tell ya, I'm not as brave & in control as I seem. Yesterday was a very scary day for me. I almost relapsed. Sometimes the pain is so bad, that i just wish i would have died back in 1980. Yesterday was one of those days. I'm so glad your here to talk to. I can't talk to the wife about it, she just gets mad and walks away. Believe me I've tried. Thats the thing I don't understand about her, she is in pain too, & was on this crap for as long as I was. I used to share with her when we first started, at that time she didn't have a dr. yet. Probably because of all the lies I was telling her at the time. Like the Parm. must have shorted you again. I love her to death, but that just bugs the hell outa me. When we quit drinking, she went into the 30 day dryout. I did it on my own. After Brandon died, she got really crazy, & started drinking heavy. She tried to kill herself several times. I can't fault her for that, it was a really bad time in our lives. But dammit, she knows when someone is hurting & about to relapse they need to talk to someone that knows what it's all about. Sorry, I just needed to vent again after talking to her on the phone hours ago. It's just been working on my brain.

i was able to get some more sleep, i feel ready for this day. i understand about not being able to talk at home. my husband is trying to be supportive, he's just so tired and fed up. he has heard the same thing from me so many times now. though he listens if i have something to say ... like yesterday when i was so excited about aa, though he will listen, i can tell he is really sick of the subject. and unfortunately for that, sobrietey is going to be my main topic until im ready to focus on other things. i think that certain people like you and i are just unbalanced so that taking drugs in a controlled manner is just an impossibility. on the other side, people like my husband and perhaps your wife, dont have that imbalance, therefore cant empathize. though they want to help, they really just dont get what the big deal is .... maybe? thats my take on it. so we have to rely on each other for these long-winded, repetitive and though sometimes uplifting, often depressing talks :) im okay w/that. i can accept that from him, that he is not going to really ever completely get it. i just take respite in the thought that he is stickin around anyway.

so if i stick to the prescribed dosing for my tramadol and avoid all narcotics, can i call this day one? im real excited bob, no way would i be taking this leap w/out you. today im feeling like BRING ON THE PAIN! i will accept the pain in as a sign that my body is recovering.
Happy Day 38 to you, that day 37 was a son of a bi---- huh? i cant believe weve only been talking for a couple days. im excited about getting to where you are in the journey, to actually be able to celebrate a whole month clean. keep leaning on me when your wife is unable to relate. i bet she cant help it anymore than my hub can.

Yea, I'd say you could call it day one. Thats the day I called day one. I'm so happy I had an impact on you doing this! It makes me feel great, like I actually helped someone in my life! God I hope it go's good for you! Thanks to you, I made it to day 38. I really didn't think I would make there yesterday. Day 37 was a bit--! One of my worst. I know, my wife doesn't understand. See never has. I know she can't help it. She can tell me about her pain all day, but if I mention how I feel, she either ignors me, or gets pis-- off. I guess it's probably from years ago. Back then I put up a strong front, & never tried to show when I was in pain. I guess I've gotten softer with time, more of a puss-. In a way I really hate that. I'm glad you got some more sleep, that always helps. I'm lucky to get 4 hrs. a day anymore. Two is my norm, and has been that way for along time.

sometimes it is hard to be compassionate when my hub starts complaining about being tired and miserable on his job. i want to be supportive but somtimes its well, hate to say this, but ... annoying! to hear the same thing all the time. i guess thats how he feels now. i hope we can become closer and stronger and more understanding of one another through this. i wanted to tell you that though i may not always receive his venting very well, i do feel for him and if i knew how i would try to make it better. i love my job and cant imagine having to drag myself into a place i loath each day. though i tell him to do whatever willmake him happy, the truth is we would really miss that money should he leave this comp. the health benefits are unbeatable as well.
im off to get the kids up, fed ..... try to get some rest and i will look for you tonight.
take care

i know alot of my not being able to sleep is working rotating shifts. You just get used to one, & have to turn around for the other. Back when we were on 8hr. shift it was even worse. We got off of nights on wednesday, & had to be back for days on friday morning. We only got one four day break a month after afternoons. The 12's are definitely better.

Good luck on day one. I know you will make it through, your strong enough to do this! Take care yourself, talk to you tonight. Bob

hi bob, im so tired, sore and my stomach is a mess and i feel really beat up. i got online and saw you were here and then i lit up a little. i stuck to my plan today. i again was hurting big time by 11am so i headed out to another aa meeting. some people recognized me and seemed so happy for me to be back. there is such love in those meetings, i am definately hooked. though i wasnt any better physically when i left, i felt strong and a little brave. i am taking the tramadol every 6 hours, and no more than the prescribed dosage though i REALLY REALLY wanted more. it does the trick in keeping the shakiness down and the pain tolerable, and what i think is most important is there's no high. though i wait for it ... if you know what i mean. i would take my hydros and oxys and then just wait watching the clock, timing the buzz.
well - i gotta get these kids in bed. i'll talk to you in bit.
how's the old back tonight? how the machines running?

Hi marie, I've been trying to get on since I got here, but couldn't get the page to load. I wanted to find out how you did today. I've been worried about you all day. I'm so glad to hear you made through. I'll tell you about my day in a few mins. o.k. I've got to get myself paid, do my first set of readings, & do equipment checks.

Marie, I'm sorry to hear your hurting (I know how that is) but you made it through the day without taking more, which tells me your going to make it. Believe me I do know what your going through, & I won't fault you if you slip. I did! It WILL get better! Ya, I know about watching the clock waiting for the buzz, I still miss that buzz alot. I'm also glad the tramadol is helping to keep f-ing w/d's somewhat at bay. My day started after my usual 2 hr. sleep. It was a beutifull day outside for a change, so instead of sitting in my chair all day like I've been doing, I got off my butt,& went outside. I picked up dog-poo, rolled the hoses up, mowed the lawn, pulled a few weeds, got the hoses back out, & started watering. Then I got in the lawn chair, & enjoyed the sun. I had one bad craving episode, but it passed in 1/2 hr. It was a pretty good day till now. Since I've gotten to work, It's gotten worse. The first thing I found out when I got here, was that we were having a total power outage on the 6th. Thats when I really have to earn my money is in a outage like this. I don't mind having to to the work, & not to bore you with details (like your hubby) but I have to finish the story so you will understand. There are about 400 people who work in this plant. The dept. I'm in has 5 of us. 4 operators, & 1 day mech/relief. Two of the ops. & the day man are TOTAL LAZY IDIOTS. The thing that made my day go bad is they always save this kind of shi! for when I, or the other op is on. ( the mo I talked about the other day). They know that the others don't know what the hell there doing. Just to give you an example, one of them almost killed 100 people on a shutdown because he had a carbon monoxide alarm on the breathing air we send to the plant. He didn't know what it was, so he just shut the breaker off to it. I saved his butt on that one, plus kept him from killing 100 poeple! Every time there is something important that needs to be done, they do this. Sorry, I'm venting again. I didn't mean to keep bitching to you about it. How are you feeling now? Are ya doing o.k.?

I also wanted to tell ya that I went to AA for awhile when we quit drinking. I'm so happy there helping. I always liked listening to there life storys. I went to the one here in town a couple of times, but the people here like to gossip, & tell everyone else who was there & what went on, so I started going to one in the town I grew up in. It's 65 miles away, but I still went for about a year. I'm sure their going to help you, & I'm really glad you decided to call that day. There is alot of love there. Of couse I'm still going to be there for ya too! The wife & I had a long talk today, & made-up. I told her that I had put up with her being in the bars almost every night for 11 years, & after she finally went to dryout that I supported her when she was about to relapse. I told her I needed that from her now on my bad days. She told me that she was craving once in awhile too, but when I brought it up it made it worse for her. So I guess I'll just have to get all my support here. I hope your getting some sleep, & are not po'd at me for bitching about my job again.I know you get alot of that from your hubby. I really was just trying to tell how my day was going.

Reetz, you haven't posted again, & I hope your still reading this. I wanted to tell you about my brother. After he came home from Nam, he was all messed up. He got into drugs, & alcohol. He couldn't hold a job for more than a month at a time, & basicly lived off my parents & I for years. He ended up breaking in & robbing the woman across the street from my parents house for $5.00 while he was high on pcp. This woman had lived there the whole time we were growing up. Anyway, he got 15 years in the pen. After 5 he was paroled, but within six months he was sent back for failing a piss test. Six months after that, he & some others got ahold of some gas line antifreeze. (wood alcohol) Where they got it from I have no idea. They mixed it in some punch, & started drinking it. It ended up frying my bros brain. He ended up in a nursing home blind, not able to walk, talk or anything else. He would just lay there and scream all day. I couldn't stand to see him like this, so i didn't go visit him very often. I feel damm guilty about that now. He was & still is the best friend I ever had. He layed there for ten years, before he (thank god) died. I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I can relate to what you went through. I'm glad you were able to convince them to get you into rehab. I just wish it would have been there for my bro. As far as I know, there still isn't any in the prisons in this state. What is ironic to me is, he got 15 for $5, & the as$h--- that shot me four times, damm near killed me, and messed my body up for life got 4 months in the county.

dont be silly bob, i like hearing about the job. hub's plant is a danger zone as well. i was disgusted when i found out they had legal amount of chemical waste that they were permitted to dump into the water :eek: ive been sleeping ... finally got to sleep. man i wanted so bad to pack up both kids as ive done before and head over to the dealer just to get some relief. ive been was so restless, kicking jerking trying to sleep. then id quit trying and just sit up w/my arms around myself rocking and crying. i held this 24 hour coin they gave me at aa and must have read it about 6 dozen times like a chant. i keep replaying my goal in my head. that friggin tramadal is a caution to have down stairs in my purse. i had already found out on tues that it takes 3 to feel kid of groovy and 4 to get the buzz going. a got some relief w/my 1 7pm dose, but by 9:30 i was coming out of my skin again. well, i didnt faulter, im proud.

i finally was able to convince myself that pills would only prolong this pain. these talks we've been having the last few days, all the research ive been doing on addiction, the aa meetings, those were all ammunition i had been gathering though i didnt know it. i was able to shoot down the craving. thanks bob.
that was so sad to hear about your brother, i also read about your accident on another thread. you are so brave. thanks for sharing that.

Damm marie, I feel soo bad for ya. I can still remember what that feels like, It's almost like I"m going through them with you again. Is there anyway you can take a few more days off? I know you just got off of vacation, but is there anyway you can make a excuse not to be there. I know there was noway I could have worked feeling like that. I thought I was going to be able to go back at day 5, ha, I took more vac. which they didn't have to give me, (supposted to give at least a weeks notice) & I didn't get back untill day 12. I wish I had internet at home, I'm going to be so worried about you untill I get back on sunday! The bad part should be over by day 6, can you make it that long? Dammit I wish there was something more I could do to help you besides writing words!

just to know you care is plenty bob, youre so awesome. ironically, my assistant called this afternoon and asked for the weekend off in exchange for working the next 2 days for me. i have to go in in the morning to take care of some month end stuff, then ill probably skip over to an aa meeting, then rest. though it did help tremendously to stay busy the last couple of days, im really pooped. the whole vacation, unsucessfully trying cold turykey and everything, my body is just so wiped out. and then of course the w/ds dont help. i took my 1am dose of tramadol which helped to calm my shakiness, im still real sore though ... even my face and all the way to my toes. just as soon as the bone pain lets up, im cutting the tramodol dose to 3/4. im tired but i'm still in gear, im not lookingback now! ive said this before ... i'm not going through this crap again. this thread is like a journal i can look back on to remind me of the hell and hopefully help keep me clean.

I'm glad your saying your not going to go through this again, thats what I had to do to help me get through it. I know the wiped out feeling too, I didn't sleep for more that 15 mins. at a time, & no more than a hr. a day for the first 7 days. I didn't sleep at all for the first 2. I'm so proud of you for not giving in! I decided that there would be none left to tempt me when I went c/t. Thanks for saying that about my brother, I miss him. That was no accident with me though, that S.O.B. was trying to kill me!

This is what worked for me, only for a few minute though. I put in a jetted tub a couple of years ago, and I almost lived in it for the first five days. That hot water will take away the bone pain at least for awhile. I even fell asleep in it a couple of times, not for very long 5 mins. tops. Try it, see if it helps.

Your so awesome too Marie, :angel: without your help I would have gotten into his hydro the other day & swallowed at least 5 of them. Theres probably only ten left in his bottle. Then I would have been out looking for more. I came so close before you came on line. Talking to you kept the demon at bay!Thats why were here to support each other. I know your going to be in & out of here tonight. Right now, I hope your sleeping again, not sitting there with your arms around yourself crying, and crawing out of your skin. If I don't hear back from you tonight, would you do me a favor, & write in here a couple of times while I'm off so first thing sunday morning I can find out how your doing? I am still going to worry about you the whole time I'm gone. I have to tell you again, if I could do it, you can to. I know you can, just keep telling that f-ing demon to get the HELL OUT! Please take care, & hopefully I'll talk to you again on sundy. Bob

thanks friend, i need to hear that encouragement so much. i did manage to get back to sleep last night and slept until 6. i feel sore but not in my bones, muscle sore like i just helped someone move. i wonder if last night was the worst. my jitters are also very minimal. i felt so good. i only took 3/4 of a tramadol. im going to hang there evey 6 hours and see how it goes. i gotta fly out the door now but i will be posting and looking for your sun. you hang in there too. try to enjoy your time off, try to rest. maybe since you and wifey made up you can do something special. have you guys gone out to celebrate your sobriety yet? like w/a big meal or something?
take care bob, see you sunday

today was a good day. payday ... and i didnt have to go buy drugs. yeah! i went into work for a couple of hours then treated myself to a pedicure. i was about to spring for the manicure too when i looked up and saw it was almost noon and i really didnt want to miss my aa meeting. though im findind out that there are hundreds and hundreds of meetings each week just in my area alone. they go on all times of the day and night to accomodate people of all shifts. that sucks that you dont have that as a resource where you are. i love those meetings so much. i love to listen, and i love to talk and get stuff off my chest.
after the meeting i picked upmy daughter and came home, my hub was just waking up from the night shift, he'll be off for 4 days now. it will be nice to spend time w/him especially since i blew it so badly last week (it was our anniversary by the way and probably the worst day since i starting taking drugs) i was afraid to ask for help because i know what im going through is my own fault. but i went ahead anyway and told him how exhausted i was and i didnt even need to say much more when he scooped up the baby and said "come on lets go downstairs so mommy can get some sleep" i didnt expect that. i slept hard for the first time in days for about 3 hours. i woke up and was so thankful to feel refreshed instead of groggy and in pain needing a fix. but it wasnt a perfect day ... last night i laid in bed restless, not even as badly as the night before. and i gave in and took a double dose of tramadol. i feel real guilty and am going to try and skip my morning and aftternoon doses to try and make up for it. then again, maybe i should just go back to the schedule. im not quitting though, dont you worry about that. im going to beat this thing, marie.

hey bob, well the tramadol is gone, i guess i was kidding myself thinking i could take it responsibly. i guess im really cold turkey now. i just hope it wont be too bad since i havent had any opiates in 5 days. although, ive been reading awful things about tramadol w/d's. i will keep you posted. i still dont feel beaten. it's just that i felt confident because i had that bottle if the going got too tough, now i'm really on my own. crazy how those f---king pills give a sense of safety and comfort. i suppose i can call for a refill in a couple of days if im not getting any sleep, they really came in handy on the restless nights. i'll see how tomorrow goes.
i hope you had a good few days off. i'm waiting to hear how you've been managing.
talk soon

Hi Marie, don't know if your on, but I'm out here. I have to go get readings etc. But I'll be back on in a few to help you through. I guess now is decision time for you. Please keep fighting that F-ing Demon. Bob

Marie,
I'll tell you about my days off, & maybe I'll give you a little inspiration.
This might get a bit long , so bear with me o.k.
Thursday was bad!!! I knew it was comming on before I went home. I started out sitting in my chair hoping it would pass, but after a hr. i decided it wasn't so i went into bed. I rolled around for three hrs. & got back up. By 1 p.m. it had hit hard. Blocked Bowel. I knew I would have to go through this sooner or later. This was my big test! It has totally blocked a couple of times, (deadly, surgery time!) but the last several times it just partialy blocks. Still its painfull as hell! God how I wanted to go to the e.r. & get a shot, & scripts, But I kept talking myself out of it. Wifey wanted to call the emt's but i told her that I was trying my dammedest to get through this, & that she knew if I started again, I wouldn't stop. I went back to bed, & layed there doubled over untill it finally opened up, & the sh!- started moving again so to speak, somewhere around 8 p.m. After that I was totally exhausted. I got back up untill 11, then I went back to bed, & crashed. I slept untill 6 a.m. I haven't gotten that much sleep in a very long time.
Friday was a great day! I felt better so the wife & I got on our 4-wheelers, & went for a 45 mile ride through the mountains. I hate this town, but I LOVE these mountains. We are at 5500 ft. in town, but in ten min. I can leave from my front door & be at 6800 ft., & in a hr. be at 10,000 ft. This is my therapy. The smell of the pines, looking for & seeing the deer, elk, moose, & what ever else happens along. When you stop & shut off the machines, It's just soo peacefull. All you here is the wind blowing through the trees, & the birds singing. This is the first time I have done this without being high as a kite, & I found out that there is something that still gets me high on life! I've always loved to camp, fish, & ride, (I've been on somekind of motorcycle since I was 9) now I just can't wait to get some time to do it again.
Saturday was a different story. I woke up craving bad, (still am) & have been fighting off the demon since. We ended up going to pocatello, (the town I grew up in) to my sisters, grandaughters birthday party. It's sad, but all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there. I knew I could find some Oxy in Poky. I fought that demon all day! I'm finding out that the urge to go back to this sh!- is just about as hard as going through w/d's, maybe harder! I do know what your going through, sometimes it's just sooo damed hard not to relapse! Anyway, we stayed untill 7 p.m. before we headed home. I'd made through another bad day, now I just have to keep trying, (TRY HELL I'm going to do it!) to get through this one & the rest. I did go through a bunch of boxes, & sh!-, and found some of my old aa coins. (I found them in the safe) I found my 3 month, 6 month, & year. Can't find the rest.
As far as going out to dinner to celibrate, there are two fast food resturants I this stinking town, & both of them are YUK! We were going to go out when we were in Poky, but ended up having a barbecue at my sisters house.
Please let me know how your doing, I did still worry about you while I was off. I kept telling myself, marie is doing it & so can I. I'm even more worried now that i know you've taken all your ultram. Please friend, let me know whats going on.

hey bob, gee youve really had your ups and downs this weekend ... way up and way down. i guess thats life, i know it will be a learning process for me to re-teach myself how to go up and down w/out drugs.
i didnt really take that many ultram ... i would have run out by tomorrow night anyway. actually, so far so good. i dont have any symptoms yet and its going on 12 hours. maybe i got lucky this time and tramadol was my ticket out. in a way, im glad their gone because resisting the temptation to take too many was just too much of a fight for me. i guess thats what makes me an addict. perhaps its all part of me surrenduring to the first step in admitting i am powerless over drugs. the cravings seem to hit the most when i am home and kind of bored. how about you? if im busy im okay. im so proud you were able to go to a place where drugs were easy to obtain and resisited. i had a test myself ... my dealer called to see how i was (probably looking for cash) i told her i had been clean for 5 days and was done w/the pills. she congradulated me and that was about it. what a journey this is for us. i will continue to look for those little highs in my life. not much else to say, im feeling very peaceful and hopeful today and im glad to talk w/you again.
marie

Hi Marie, I too know about surrenduring to the first step. i remember that from going to aa. I also know about the temptation of having anything around. I keep looking at my friends locker, knowing whats in there. So far, everytime my brain says DO IT, I get up and go have a smoke & walk around trying to take my mind off it. So far, so good. Yesterday my plan was to slip off to a friends house to get my fix, but lucky for me I never got the chance. It was alot harder for me then, than it is now. Just knowing my drug of choice was so close. I'm so PROUD of you for not giving in when your dealer called. YOU GO GIRL! I'm also sooo happy your not going through w/d's, maybe the ultram was the ticket. I sure hope so. Your not planing on getting them filled again are Ya? Yes when I'm bored it gets worse. At home when it gets really bad, I'll put my headphones on & listen to music, but out here thats just not possible. I'm glad your having a peacefull, & hopefull day. Thats what being up in the mountains does for me. I knew this was going to be a everyday struggle. Sometimes are just worse than others. I do know life is going to get better with time, we just have to keep holding on to that fact.

I forgot to add. If you feel up to it, you & hubby need to go out & celebrate your anniversary, & 5 days sober. Try & get some quiet time together.

hi bob, well the w/ds started last night ... i guess i didnt get off so lucky. i had to take sleepingpills & a handful of motrin to get to sleep, my legs and arms were so restless. this morning the pain set in, all over my body. its not unbearable though. i still managed to get my son to the dentist and then school. i really dont want to go through another sleepless night ... so ... yes ... i did call for a refill. they havent called it in yet, if they dont give it to me its probably for the best. if they do i will use everything ive learned to try and lower the dosage little by little. actually, i really just want them for the nights, i can go all day w/out them. them stay in your system for quite a while. well thats my story and im stickin to it :) ill keep you posted.

Hi Marie, I only got a few mins. Been & is going to be a busy day. I came into a big mess this morning, we had a coolant line break on one of our compressors. Just to let you know, most of that went down the drain, so your hubbys plant isn't the only place that dumps chemicals. I'm sorry to here your in w/'s, I hope they don't get as bad as mine did. I'm glad you did call for the refill, hey what ever helps. Me I was on the pitty pot the last couple of days. After I had my gut flare, & craving so bad, I had it in my head that I could just go back on my maint. dose & not abuse it. It really pissed me off when I couldn't get away the other day & get my fix. The wife, & sis were not going to let me go anywhere by myself. Well i felt sorry for myself all day yesterday, & didn't get out of my funk untill I watched a couple of shows on addiction, & realized why the hell I got off the sh!- in the first place. I'm thinking about going back to aa or na, but I don't want to go here, & I can't really afford to run 65 miles one way with the price of gas the way it is. I've got to do something seeing I'm getting no support at home other than being watched like a hawk. God i hope ya get through w/d's real quick, I really feel for ya. I'll try to be here for ya as much as possible. Tomorrow, the computers will be off out here after 8 am, so if you don't get word from me thats why. Well I just got interupted by my boss, so i have to go back to work. Please keep me informed on how it's going for you friend. I'll check back in latter today when i get a chance. I am still worried about how your doing. Bob

I LAPSED im not proud - i went to visit my mother and snagged 4 vikes. i was in so much pain and had so many things to get done the rest of the day and, well, i'm just making excuses. now that i caught my buzz and am coming down, im sitting here wishing i had taken more. thats the f--ked up thing w/pills, you just keep wanting more and more. i did get my tramadol filled and will start the regular dose of that tomorrow and them try to keep cutting the dose. but now i kindof feel like im back to square 1. boy did i blow it.

Maire, I only got a min. again. Hey it happens, I know i would of saturday if I could have gotten away. Just start over again o.k. Go to aa if ya can. I'll still be here, don't worry about that.Bob

ill be back to aa today ... i havent been to a meeting since thurs. i guess i really cant let so much time go in between. my husband has been home since friday and i really didnt want to go. he is really threatened by it though he tries not to show it. its not the group, hes actually threatened by any situation where i have the opportunity to meet new people, particularly people i might be able to share something with that i cant share w/him. he is really jealous and insecure. i really dont even like to post messages when he is home/awake. i think he would be very hurt to learn i had a friend who i have become so personal and trusting with, particuarly male, anonymous or not. not that i am blaming him ... my own weaknesses showed up yesterday. hey bob, does a lapse mean i have to give my aa coin back? someone said something really interesting in the last meeting. she said she had managed to stay on the wagon but she finally learned how to let go of the reigns. i wish i could do that. i wish i had a higher power to turn my addiction over to. i obvious am not strong enough to conquer it on my own. perhaps my higher power can be in the group. i really believe there is energy and strength that you cant see in those meetings. i hope you are doing okay. hows your pain? still having cravings? talk to you soon.

i remember when i quit smoking i had to stay away from any situations where people might smoke (it wasnt too hard since im in NY and its illegal practically everwhere) now i cant even tolerate the odor. amazing how hard it is to shelter yourself from pills. i guess because i spent a year constantly trying to locate it :D after admitting to my mom that i have an addiction and that i have stolen her pills, she still leaves them on her bedside table when i come over. yesterday she even suggested i try taking 1/2 pill when i had pain that way i wont become addicted again. boy, does she totally NOT get it. i want this to be over so badly. this fight is exahsting.

Hey Marie, I'm trying to get this done before the big power outage. I figured that about your hubby. I could see a change in the way you wrote while he was home. I was going to tell you not to worry about writing me back while he was there, but never did. Wifey is the same way, she would go ballistic if she knew i was writeing to you. No you don't have to give your coin back! They don't even have to know if you don't want to tell them. Use it for day one today! One thing I thought of, why don't you see if you can get someone to sponser you from aa, that way you will have someone to talk to most anytime day or night if you need it. There is an energy in those meetings I remember it, & it's one of the reasons I want to go back. About your mom leaving her pills out, I know I couldn't resist that temptation even after 44 days.
Yesterday took it out of me, my energy still isn't even close to what it used to be. Back is killing me again, but thats life for me anymore. Today is going to be even worse. I should be out there right now getting things ready, so I better go. Hang in there friend. I still know you can do it! Take care, & let me know how your day went today o.k. Bob

Marie, I didn't want to say anything this morning, the day man was looking over my shoulder the whole time I was writing. I'd like to slap the s.o.b., but then again I always want to slap him. Hell I'd really like to break his LAZY, STUPID friggin neck. Anyway, yes I'm still craving especialy after yesterday, & today. I'm totally wore out exhausted. Man what a f-uped day it was today, but I haven't got a whole lot of time to tell you about it now. I was thinking though that me telling you about craving probably doesn't help you in the least. Anyway if you want me to, I won't anymore. Damm I gotta go, I got a problem

Hi Marie, Well I thought about this all last night. I should have kept my big mouth shut about craving this crap. I know it's not helping you! I feel like I helped to push you into a relapse. From now on I'm not saying a word! So have you gone back to aa? Are you thinkin about getting a sponser? I'm worried as hell about you again, just as I'm about to go on four days off. Your higher power can be anything you want it to be, the group, tree, or a brick wall. Whatever works for you.
Yesterday was a day from hell, thats all I'm going to say about that. Today is somewhat better, but not by much.
If you don't mind my asking, what part of NY are ya from? I have a old Marine Corps buddy that lives in Mattydale. If ya don't want to tell me, I will understand!
I live in Soda Springs Idaho.
I've got to go back to work, Please if ya get a chance let me know whats going on o.k. I still have faith in you! You can do this!
Bob

Marie,
My relief should be here in 15 to 20 minutes. ( he's always an hr. early, and plant time is 10 minutes ahead anyway)
I've been hopin beyond hope that I would hear from you before I went on 4 day break.
I really do care how you are.
I might even slip back out here somtime on days off to see if you have writen.
If you haven't, I hope to catch you when I come back on the night of the 12th.
Hope your doing o.k. (I mean that!)
Take care my friend,
Bob

hey bob, so sorry i havent written in so long. i was super busy for a couple days and then i had another relapse and really didnt know what to write. i really didnt want to relapse ... im so stupid. i got my tramadol filled and took too many of course. now i have to wait at least a week to get another fill. so yesterday i went to the supplier for some oxy's to avoid getting sick this weekend. im too embarrased to tell my husband ive been abusing the tramadol. and now i have to hide the opiates from him too. actually, i miss my tramadol, there was no high, just long lasting paid and w/d relief. i took the oxy's last night and the first thing i had to do this morning was pop a few more. next week when i get my rx i'll get back on track. i just hate lying again. you asked ... im in upstate ny, never heard of the town you mentioned. i hope you are doing okay ... dont think for 1 minute that you talking about cravings has swayed me, it's not your fault. actually, now that i relapsed, i really want to get off again, i just dont like the feeling. i much prefer the clarity to the high. i will write soon.

i dont have much to report bob, still off the track while i wait for my rx. im waiting to hear how you're doing. alright i hope.

hi friend, i got my script today and am very glad. i really dont want to take those damn oxys anymore. i havent had a clear head for the past 3 days. so now it's back to the ultram. i will try to stay w/in my prescribed requirements but if i have to lapse it will be on them and not the opiates ... im sick of that crap. i feel a little beaten though, i thought i was on the road to recovery and now im at square 1 again. i hope youve been doing better. take care. :)

Hi Marie,
As usual I only have a few mins. I've been running, & working my butt off since I got here, & will be the rest of the night.(results of the power outage the other day, more on that later)
I did come out a couple of times to see if you had writen, but at that time you hadn't. I did come out again this morning, & saw that you had relapsed. I had figured you had went to your dealer, & was worried about you.
I had it all figured out what I was going to say (not Bad stuff) untill I just saw your last post. I'm glad your back on the tramadol. Now just get the mental toughness to get through the rest! Damm, YOU CAN DO THIS!
I write some more in a few, The way things are going it might take me half the night, but Damm I'm sure glad your back on here!
Bob

And to answer your question, yes I'm hurting badly, (another result of the power outage) which makes me crave the drugs more. More on this later, gotta go.

I have about ten mins, & the way I write, ( can't spell worth a damm, & two finger type) I'll try to get as much down as i can.
Here is some of what i was going to say,
Am I jealous of you being able to have more support (aa) than i do? Very.
All I have is my wheeler, a good set of head phones, (more on this latter also) this board, & my own mental toughness to get me through. Back when I got shot, there were no pain docs etc. I was told to go home & live with it. I had to develop a mental toughness both on & off the drugs. You have to do this too, believe me, it's just as hard after you get off at times. I have found this out in the last 51 days. I don't know your whole situation. I don't know how everyday life affects your pain level or your cravings. I really don't even know what kind of pain your in. All I can do, is try and give you all the support I can. I'm still very willing to do this. You have become a friend to me, & I have worried like hell about you.
Am I jealous of your being able to have easy acsess to Oxy, where I don't? Yes & no.
I'm glad I have 51 days in, but at times especally when I'm hurtin bad, I wish i had something., but I know I can't anymore. I would abuse it.
Gotta go again.

I hope i didn't pi$$ you off with that, I just wanted you to know some of what i was going to say before i read your last post.
I'm going to jump ahead a bit from what I was going to tell you about days off.
Wifey, & I are fighting again about support. We went to Poky on saturday to buy groceries. (It's the closest wallmart, k-mart, or any other big mart for that matter) Anyway I wanted to go to a aa, or na meeting. She wouldn't have it. Wouldn't listen again. Said we couldn't afford to keep coming in to Poky every day, or every week. I agreed with that, but I told her that it would help me, & probably her even if we only went when we did go in. She is just unwilling to go, & I don't know why. She won't tell me! I just don't know what to do about it. I want to go, but I'm not going to go in this town. Been there done that.
gotta go again.

O.K. now I'm gonna go back to the power outage.
The day my boss came over & interupted me, it was to have me come over to a meeting to brainstorm problems we might have. He trusts my judgement, as I've been in this dept. 10 years & worked on all this equipment for 8 of them.
Anyway, we have three water wells we are responsable for. They supply water for the whole plant including this boiler. One of them runs all the time, & one of the others comes on for makeup. The other is a spare that doesn't run auto, & doesn't put out much volume, or pressure when we do have to run it.
So the day of the power outage, (before it started) we lose our make-up well. The big boys up front decided to go ahead with the outage anyway, hoping we wouldn't lose the main. It runs on a aux. diesiel engine on a power failure. Well it quit, I lose the water to the boiler, as well as the furnaces (kinda like a steel plant, only with hot slag comming out) (2300 degs. f) This makes my boiler a big bomb, & with no water to the furnance shells, they could melt down, & we would have another big bomb. So I go running out, & get the boiler off just in time. (still lost half the water) Go running out to the well (which is about a half a block away) & try to get it running again. It had over heated, so I cooled it down, added water, & tried to start it. Dead battery. So I come running back to the boiler building to get the battery charger. (This whole thing is from a lack of maint. by our so called day man, he's been here a year & a half, & still doesn't know anything & doesn't want to learn either.) Anyway, I finally get it going again. I come back to the boiler building, & start to refill my boiler. Now I have to use cold water, which shocks the hell out of a hot boiler. (This is too involved to explain how we heat the water first.) Well about the time I get the boiler back on, we lose the well again so here I go again! This happens two more times!
Well we finally get the power back, & the main well electric motor won't start, the psa system (nitrogen) won't start, and the steam evap. won't start. Needless to say, I lost the water to the boiler again! So I'm running my butt off trying to get all this back on while the day man sits on his fat *** saying "whats up with that?" (I'd still like to break his friggin neck!) It was one hell of a day! My energy is still not anywhere near what is was when i was on the oxy. By the time it was all said & done, I was in the dirt totally exhausted, & feeling like I wished I was dead. I've been that way since.
The make-up well is still not runable, so now we have to start & stop the other one. It's a half a block in the other direction. This is why I only have about ten mins before I have to go running to start or stop it. We have about three minutes each way, so I'm still running my butt off out here, besides all the other equipment I have to take care of. It's kicking my butt!

Now for days off,
Thursday, & Friday it rained, & thundered, & rained again so I was in my chair most of both days. (except when I came out here to see if you had written) So to keep my mind off pain, & craving, & to keep from going totally nuts I put the headphones on, & blasted my ears out. I was still totally worn out anyway. Played the same songs over & over. I don't know what kind of music you listen to, but I'm still a metal head even being as old as I am. :eek: My favorites for this are Metalica "untill it sleeps" (I use this one for pain or addiction) "bleeding me" (addiction) both are on "load" if your interested. Ozzy "the ghost behind my eyes" (addiction) & "denial" (addiction) on "ozzmosis" sp This one I had to listen to the whole cd, as its one of the few where I like every song, & I through in some tesla, older ozzy, megadeath, & older metalica. It may sound silly, but it works for me :)
Sunday, I still had one hell of a back ache among other pains, but I said to hell with this. Took a handfull of IB, & went for a wheeler ride in the mountains. The snow is almost gone on top, & i made it into one of my favorite meadows. It's about 30 miles in, & I think one of the most beautifull places on earth. It's a big bowl shape, with the tops of the mountains on all sides. It has a big pond on one side, & if you stay there long enough, & are quite, the elk will come down to wallow, and drink. As I told ya before, this is what gets me high on life again. :bouncing: By the way, the mountains are my higher power. When I'm riding, I'm too busy watching where I'm going, & looking for critters to think about anything else. I wish you could find something like this to help you!
Unfortunatly, I called home to let wifey know I hadn't killed myself, & she bitched that the mower (a rider) quit on her, so I cut my ride short, & went home. It ended up that she didn't disengage the blade, so when she put it in reverse it died on her. (as it should!) So I finished mowing the lawn, then got in a lawn chair the rest of the day.

O.K.
Now that I've fed you all my crap tonight, lets get back to you.
Are ya gona go back to aa? If you do, try & get a sponser. It will help!
You know if your having trouble, I'll be here for ya at least for the next three nights, then again after my next days off, & on & on! That is if you can get on, I don't remember what your hubby is working.
Don't worry about starting over! Keep your mind positive. Tell that G. Damm Demon to get the hell out of your life. Your going to want to lapse, I know, I've been there. Fight it with all your might. I know you'll make it. You want it! Before you know it you'll have a week, then two, then a month, then 51 full days like me.
Find something you can get into to take your mind off it for awhile, yoga, music, or whatever.
I've got to get busy again, start the well, get readings, and wash the floor down, but I'll be back on in a hour or so.
I hope your doing O.K. friend.
Bob

I got so involved in the other, I forgot to tell you this.
Arieal (my oldest) got served with divorce papers. She has a restraing (sp) order against her, & can't come near her kids. She is still out partying every night, & is still with the latest boyfriend. He has a record of domestic violence, & is sure to beat on her sooner or later. She still won't talk to us.
Amber (my youngest) on the other hand is still clean. I talked to her yesterday, & shes finally finding out what it costs to raise a kid, & she hasn't even had her yet. She always thought we were made of money.
Still it makes me sick to think of the influence my drug use had on these kids!

hey b, sooooo nice to hear from you. i was thinking about what you said about not having the strength you had when you were taking the oxys. aint that the truth. however, there were times that i wondered if i had done too much. you know what i mean? at the end of the day i'd think god i did a lot today, but couldn't feel the effects because i stayed on the pills. i wonder if i did any damage to myself trying to be wonder woman :) my pain? it's very minor. fractured tailbone while giving birth to my daughter. it is manageable, i just need to be cautious the kind of chair i sit in. actually, those metal folding chairs in aa are killing me, today i think ill take my little pillow. its been a week. i feel sort of funny going back. i feel like a great big liar walking around while everyone thinks i'm still fighting the fight but dont know i lost a battle. i just really dont want to tell anyone i relapsed, i want to act like it never happened. i feel like if i tell my husband then he will once again be disapointed. im sure he already constantly wonders if im high.
im sorry to hear your in so much pain. you are so incredible for going through this and dealing w/the pain. im such a baby, if i had your kind of pain i dont know if i would make it.
i wonder why wifey is so against aa. she want open up to you about it? do you think she's embarrased? i know my hub is uncomfortable w/it because that jealous man inside him thinks i will meet someone there. i wish i could make him understand that he is the man of my dreams and i have no desires to be w/anyone else.
music? i love music! all kinds. you dig metal when it was great and made sense. im confused by this new stuff. occasionally i will hear a new country or r&b song i like but for the most part i like classic rock n roll, motown, i like the new country but i was raised on the old honky tonk. blues, classical, you name it. my favorite addiction song is by a new country group called Van Zant, one of the guys came from lanard skynard. its calle "i cant help myself"
i guess i gotta start getting ready for work now. talk to you tonight hopefully.

Hey Marie,
They finally got the well fixed (YEA!) so no more runnin every ten minutes. Still been busy since I got here, but things should settle down some now.
Oh I know about overdoing on Oxy. I look at all the things i did last spring, & summer.
Dug a foundation, put up a greenhouse, dug a trench for electric wires, wired it, etc, etc,etc. I did alot of extra work in the ten years I was on it.
Now I look at what I've done so far this year, not much of anything, but I really don't give a sh!*. I"m sure I hurt my body by overdoing. It seems like I'm in more pain, but I really can't remember how bad it was back then.
So did ya go back to aa today?
I wouldn't worry about feeling like a liar, you only lapsed for a week, & now your back on track. They don't need to know if you don't want to tell them.
No wifey won't open up to me about going to aa. i don't know what the hell her problem is with it. All I get is I'm doing o.k., & I'm not f-ing going back. She went for a year too after she came out of the dry out.
This is what baffles me, this is the woman who held my head in her lap after the as*h*** that shot me ran off - saying "you die on me you s.o.b. & I'll kill ya" (funny now, not so funny then) We have been through hell & back together over the years, & we can pretty much read each others minds anymore, but I can't figure her out on this one. Oh but shes jealous too, will be till the day she dies.
I'm not that incredible when it comes to pain, you would be suprised what you can live with, when ya have no other choice.
About music, I love all kinds too, except rap. Just can't handle that. Don't like much of the new metal either, too much rap in it, & they scream so much that you can't understand the lyrics. I do like greenday, but it's not really metal. Classic rock is my second favorite. I did have a country kick several years ago. I've been watching country videos once in awhile. I've seen Van Zant, but not that song. I knew by the name they were from lynard skynard, I remember when Ronny got killed. The one I like is Toby Keith (calls himself rich white trash, & ya just got to like a guy like that) Have you seen the video were he walls himself in the basement? That ones funny! I still like Hank Jr, Wiily, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band Etc. Blues, ever here of muddy waters, I still have him in my album collection.
Damm I'm late, I better go to work for awhile.

I only got a min. again.
Got a softener in regen, then I have to get the other one.
I wanted to ask ya, how did your day go? Are you doing alright on the tramadol? Any w/'s?
Breaking your tailbone while giving birth, that had to hurt!
Me I'm a little better today, still have no energy, but at least I don't feel like I wish they would have put me in the grave 26 years ago.
I'm gona have to see if I can find that Van Zant song. You have me curious now. I always liked skynard. "Ooh that smell" another good addiction song.

hi bob, im feeling really good now that im off the pills. actually, my relapse only lasted 3 days and i dont think it was long enough to bring w/ds, thank god! im doing okay on the tramadol, ive been taking it every 4 hours instead of 6 because im so afraid to have any w/ds, im just so sick of that sh--. it's all i can do right now to deal w/the psycological cravings. i did something super dumb ... bought a pack of ciggarettes. i havent smoked in 3 years and i smoked for 10 before that. my husband is a little upset but hes just like "i hope you remember how hard it was for you to quit" i do, im up to 3 a day now .... they're just so damned good! i feel really confident again, thanks to you and aa ... yeah, i made it back in. i missed it, it's like going to church, when i leave i feel like i've received a blessing. a lady talked about consistency and she realized she had to talk to god everyday in order to get through her recovery. i think i get off track when i get away from my support .. aa and you. i will make more time for what i need. it's very hard, i really dont want to be selfish anymore. my hub and the kids have put up w/enough of my sh--. ill write more soon. so glad to hear work is going a little smoother.

Hi Marie,
I got a softener in regen, so as usual only have a minute.
I'm sooo glad your doing good! :) Hang in there, your gona make it this time!
I"m here if ya need me, but of course you know that.
I ended up working harder than i wanted late last night, only got a couple hrs sleep, & the weather has turned to sh!* again so I'm just about where I was the other day. God I hate the feeling craving gives me! Wish i had some music to listen to, But I'll make through again.
Talk at ya later o.k.
Bob

Boiler Bob- I hate to break into your thread, but just wanted to say...great job! I can't imagine working the schedule you do and going through all of this! I can totally relate about the high country! Nowehere do I feel as much peace as when I backpack. I backpacked last year some 40 days in (I wasn't still feeling right) and was amazed that in a span of 2 days that I was feeling soooo much better. I was getting very discouraged as the withdrawals kept haning around..or at least symptons. The wilderness changed me.....and after I appeared to sweat out the residuals I felt....mucho better! There is something to exercise and withdrawal.....no doubt about that! Way to go.....and continue on the right path.....everyday is truly better!
Ukonom

ukonom,
Hey no problem, & thanks for the thumbs up! I wish I was up there right now! I'm so much more at peace when I'm riding, listening to the wind blowing through the trees, smelling the pines, & watching the critters. It's truly beautifull in places around here, it takes my mind off of everything else. If ya don't mind my asking, where did you backpack into?
Right now though, sometimes it's just soo hard being out here. Especially on nights. I know some little white hydros are only three steps, & a lock pick away!
Marie,
I don't know if your smoking again is good or bad.
For me right now they give me some sort of solace. They give me a reason to get out of the office for a few, & help take my mind off the cravings. I've smoked since I was 13 years old, so I've done it for a long, long time. I quit just before I got out of the marines for two years, then again for the eight months in 89. I've tried to quit again bunches (to many to count) of times, but for at least the near future I'm not even going to worry about getting away from them.
I know ya don't want to be selfish, Your hubby, & kids need ya, but you have to do what ya need to do! I can definatly understand that.
Have you found a higher power yet? Man I've been praying to mine tonight! I'm three & a half hours into day 54, & the cravings are still bad at times tonight.
By the way, your welcome for the support, & I thank you for all of yours!

it's nice to hear from you ukonom, i guess we get carried away but still love to talk w/the rest of the community here.
bob, it's kind of scarry to hear that you still having those strong cravings after almost 2 months but good that i don't think this is going to be over over nig.ht. i guess it took some time for me to become and addict too. today i have the morning off and enjoying hanging out w/my daughter. my mind is clear and i give her all of my attention. i'll be heading into work in a few hours then back online tonight, i hope to see you.

Hi marie,
I think my cravings are comming from all the extra work, & stress the last couple weeks. This causes my pain level to go up, which causes the craving to go up. At least thats what i hope it is. I sure don't want to feel like this in another two months.
I'm gonna go get some of my work done, then I'll get back on & tell you my plan.

O.K. Marie, I'm back on
Yesterday, My ol bud (the mo) told me he had sent for his papers, & was leaving in september. I'm damm happy for him, but this means instead of two bodys to dump all the extra crap on, there will be just one ME. I feel like I'm working two jobs now, my old maint. job, & my operations job. I don't need a third. Anyway this put me in a really foul mood last night, & combined with everything else I was craving worse than ever. I'm over it now, not completely, but alot better than yesterday. I had told my boss earlier this year, that when Garth left I was gona turn into a sh!* bird like the others. I told him I figured I had two choices, become like them, or stress out & have a stroke or heart attack, & which one did he think I was gona choose. Well I talked to him again this morning before I went home & told him the same thing. I think he thinks i won't. I've never been like that in my entire life. Anyway he asked me how I was doing getting off the drugs. I told him I had 54 days in, & he said "well you got her made now". As we've talked about, he hasn't gota clue!
O.K. now I've vented again heres my plan,
I'm gona grab my old two man tent, sleeping bag, some food, hop on my wheeler, & head to the meadow, & go campin by myself for a couple of days.
Damm just got a nitrogen truck, I'll be back in a few

Anyway,
ukonom gave me the inspiration to do this. Thanks man!
I'm hopin it will help me get my head straight again. Maybe chopping some wood will kill me, but maybe not. Won't know till I try.
Don't worry, I'll have my cell phone, (isn't technology wonderfull) I'll just have to make it to the top of the mountain to get a call out.
So how did your day go? Did ya enjoy your daughter today? I sure hope so!

hey bob, that sounds nice ... i'd love to have a little solo refuge. however, i'm not the outdoorsy kindof girl. i'd much rather camp out some place that has room service :) me and hub got in a little argument today ... he HATES my smoking. he's so worried that i'm changing and will decide this isn't the life i want anymore. he can take a little thing and make it such a big f--cking deal. i know he is just worried about my health but he's such a square! i took a lot of extra tramadol today. i decided to take the whole day off and boredom always makes me want to do drugs. i don't really get a buzz from the ultram, just a calm ... know what i mean? sounds like you and my hub have a lot in common as far as work goes. he is 6'5 and about 240 and can do the work of 2 or 3 men ... and they give it to him too. i hope you retreat is peaceful and refreshing. i'll be waiting to hear about it. any suggestions for a father's day gift. hubby always gives such great gifts and i'm just not as good at it as he is. tell me, what does every man want? :) talk to you soon.

Hey Marie,
A little room service sounds good too. :)
I'm sorry you & hubby are fighting, I know how it is. Me & wifey still aren't talking much. :rolleyes:
I plan to stop in here on my way home sunday, to see how your doing, so write a couple of times again if ya get a chance ok. Are ya gona have enough tramadol to get ya through? Just keep fighting, i know it's hard at times, but please keep doing it. I'll still worry how your doing!
Tell me what your hubby is into, Then I can try & suggest something.
For me it would be another new wheeler, but thats me :D

I wanted to tell ya too,
Last night i would have traded my soul for a couple of oxy.
I started to pick his lock, then thought to myself, What the Hell are You Doing!
To tell you the truth, it scared the hell out of me :(
I tried to stay out of here as much as I could after that.
Thats the reason i need to get my sh!* together again. I'm hopin the peace and quiet will ease the pain somewhat, & the craving.

I'm sure your not gona be back on tonight so---
I've been rackin my brain trying to figure out what your hubby might like.
How about a romantic night or weekend? Room service, the whole nine yards. (don't know if thats possible) Maybe that way it would help to convince him that he still is the man of you dreams, & your not gona stray just because you started smoking again, & need to go to aa. Sometimes jealous people need that reasurance, I know my wife does every once in a while, even though I've done nothing wrong.
Does he like electronics?
A new mp3 player, dvd player, laptop, (don't know if ya can afford that) etc.
How about tools?
A cordless drill, saw, or a whole set. If thats it, get him the good kind. Millwalkie, Dewalt, Delta. Is he into woodworking? If so, how about a new router, or power miter saw. I was into woodworking before I got off the oxy, & have a full shop in the basement with expensive tools.
Is he into fixing cars etc? Then hand tools. A ratchet set, wrenches, etc.
I always liked getting tools, most men do. ;)
I'll keep thinking on it tonigh