Recently I keep having these major ups and downs. I have been really productive, I have 12 hour productive non-stop days. For instance,

I have moved twice in the past six months. This second time (two weeks ago) I did it all in three days. I packed up a two bedroom apartment for me and my son in six hours. But it started on Thursday night, I left work, went to Home-Depot picked out some paint, painted my new house. I painted until mid-night went to my apartment slept, got up early painted a second coat. Then I decided I needed a pot rack, went and got a pot-rack and installed it, then I needed to change-out the two light fixtures, went and purchased two fixtures and installed them. then it was midnight again, went home got up at 6:00am packed my entire apartment went and got a moving truck at noon. Then I moved all my stuff and began to unpack. My sofa didn't fit into my new house so I put it in the garage. Then i bought an entire new living room set, couch, love-seat, chair, ottoman, two end tables and a coffee table. Then I had to work for the next two days (also had night school one of the days) so when I'd get home I had to assemble the furniture which I did. took me until midnight both days (I am a student taking 11 units, I work f/t and I have a 6 month old son). A few weeks before this I went through this work-out binge, all the nights i wasn't with my son i'd go work out, i did this for weeks. So I got through these phases of being really "productive." Then I hit bottom,

Then it's a Monday morning and I don't want to get out of bed, i'm exsausted and depressed. My life feel pointless and worthless. I begin to think i'm an awful mother and that i'm failing at everything. then I miss work. i have called in sick more times in the past six months than my entire life combined.

I had a tramatic break-up when my son was just two weeks old, so I feel like maybe all this is "normal" coping skills. My son's father is very much in his life and is a great father but not so great partner (cheater). But this doesn't explain my behavior. I often feel like I'm "going crazy". When I am at work or school i cannot focus. I make lots and lots of plans. I create all these check-off list's which I think is my way of trying to organize all my thoughts and stress.

Normal or maybe chemically imbalanced?

I already have an appointment to see a therapist this Friday. So I am persuing it. I'm just curious if I sound bi-polar? It only occured to me because a very close friend said "you seem manic". Which i thought was an odd thing to say. Then the more I thought about it....the more it seemed accurate.

Cherryrose,

What you describe sounds very typical of a manic episode followed by a crash. But with all that you have going on, the baby, the cheater, the hormones accociated with giving birth, it's going to be hard to diagnose from just that incident.
The therapist will be able to give you some insight. It's hard to get a dx often, especially if you admit you think you may be BPD. For some reason they think that we won't admit to being BPD and they take thinking you're BPD as a sign that you're not. It's stupid, I know.
The truth is that BPD's won't admit they are having a manic episode while they are having it. It is very hard not to become enamored of the high and productivity that mania produces. Sounds like you got a lot done.

Let me just say that this behavior you describe would be typical of an unmedicated BPD who was unaware of the symptoms of the illness. What happens is that the mania makes you feel like a superstar capable of anything. So why would you seek treatment during those times? Then the inevitable crash. And that is when BPD's start to take action. They will often tell their doctor, "Everything was fine until one day I didn't want to get out of bed." The pdoc will naturally diagnose the person as depressed and often put them on a low dose of an SSRI like Zoloft.

Now, if the person is BPD, even a low dose of an SSRI can quickly send the person into mania. Feeling like this is their usual state, the person will report to their doctor that they feel great and back to normal.
So, once a month you go in and they look at you, you tell them things are better than they have ever been and they write you another prescription.

When the mania starts to produce agitation, the person is likely to tell their doctor, who is likely to be convinced the irritability is by caused depression and raise the SSRI dose by a small amount. Which increases the mania.

When the mania reaches its peak, the person will find their entire world a confusing and chaotic jumble. Their mind will race and their formerly organized life will turn to a dissheveled and disjointed mess. Their world is likely to crumble into a deep depresson which requires a rescue of some sort.

It sometimes takes a number of these extreme episodes, but the person WILL start to try and figure out what's going on by themselves. When they do, they are likely to have a deeply profound realization; they are BPD.

So, they go to their pdoc who tells them they can't be BPD because BPD's never admit to manic symptoms.
We're chemically imbalanced, not stupid.

So, look at your history. Think about the ups and downs of your life. Look for symptoms of mania in your past. Think about the emotional state you naturally prefer and think about others around you who are "normal" say about your energy level.
Giving up the maina is the hardest thing a BPD has to do. Throughout our lives, it has been the times we were manic that we felt strong and confident and productive. But the realization that it is a balance we must seek is imperative. It is the mania that causes the depression.

I know things are rough right now. The best things you can do for yourself are eat right and avoid sugar, alcohol and caffeine, exercise intermittently thoroughout the day to keep your seratonin levels up, drink lots of water (dehydration causes depression,) do the things you love even if you don't feel like it and don't isolate yourself. Be with your friends.

If you don't feel like smiling, fake it. Studies show that smiling improves mood even if you're faking it!

It does not matter how quickly you move, so long as you do not stop.
---Confucious

Hang in there.
littletimebomb

hi cherry
i totally agree with everything littletimebomb (who is great by the way!) says.It does sound like it could be a manic followed by a crash, but then again it could be your own ways of coping after dealing with a traumatic break up, hormones of pregnancy, being a new mum etc. Its only natural you want to produce a beautiful home for you and your son that you can put your own mark on and say is "yours" but at times the feelings of coping alone and doubting yourself can come through and cause the depressed symptoms. This is why mental illness is so hard to diagnose as it cant be measured or tested for as easily as a physical illness! ive only just been diagnosed bipolar after about 10 years of having it.
My best advice would be to seek professional advice/assessment, as littletimebomb says ssri anti depressants can induce mania very easily so its important not to be misdiagnosed.
just want to say you sound a very strong person and a great mum, i know its not easy coping alone. so when you look at your son draw strength from that. good luck, Fallen

thanks for your responces. My days are not getting better, in fact I am becoming more and more irritable. :mad: :mad:

Today so many things are getting under my skin and just enraging me. I never usually have a temper but I found myself saying "what-ever" and snapping at people in the office.

I can't wait for my appointment this friday because I feel like something is really wrong with me. I am going crazy and getting to the point that I just don't care about anything i'm SO overwhelmed ! ! !

Cherry
How did the appt with the doc go? Are you feeling better?
Let me know!

Being away from your child right now could be causing some of your irratibility at work. You sound pretty hyper aware of your moods, which is a good start. Try keeping a mood journal. And kiss that baby a lot!

Hang in there.
littletimebomb

Thanks littletimebomb! :) so....

My appointment went ... well i guess it just went how it went.

On one hand being told I have a chemical imbalance is julting. On the other I guess it's a releif that I may be able to manage the symptoms :) It does to a certain level make me feel "handicapped" and I already feel like my mom is judging me differently now.

My psychologist told me to begin keeping a mood journal as well.

Friday, Stressed, highly irritable/angry, very active, racing thoughts
Saturday, depressed in the morning, hopless feelings, exsaustion, lots of headaches and back-aches
Sunday, depressed but active, easily enraged
Monday, depressed, drinking coffee for a "kick", little to no motivation,

....that's how the days are so far. I started a new thread with some new questions regarding my diagnosis.... look forward to hearing from you!
;-)