My friend is a cocaine addict. It took me months of elaborated work
To convince her to go to a rehab. She has many legal problems, a lot of
court dates, community work and medical checkups to do. All of it was supposed to be finished by the end of June and then she would be admitted to a detox center.
On the Memorial Day she was arrested on some frivolous charges but the judge after seeing her record locked her up in jail on 2500.00 bond till the end of June when her case is scheduled in court. I just paid 500.00 bond last week, and with her life style, chances are, she may still be arrested again in a few days. Some people say that jail time can help an addict to get rid of the addiction. Should I let her stay in there or should I bail her out and proceed with the original detox plan.
It took me a lot of effort to get her to trust me in first place.
What is the right thing to do now? Please advise…

I personally would let her sit in jail. Might give her some clarity on what she is doing and what she has done. 2500 is alot of money and she should understand if you tell her you dont have it. Its a big risk you might end up loosing that money. I have heard others on this site say if it wasnt for jail they wouldnt be clean but it all falls into their laps on how much they want to be clean. I would write letters, visit still let her know you are there for her, but just cant afford or cant take the chance on that much money. How old is she? how long has she been using? Sometimes we have to suffer the consequenses that we brought on ourselves its not your fault shes in jail its her own. So maybe this will do her some good. Just be there for her. Kim

If you bail your friend out of jail, then you are enabling her and THEN, you must accept some responsibility for her continuing addiction.

Your friend must face the results of her addiction, lifestyle, and choices. One of the results of a drug-filled lifestyle is jail - usually multiple times.

Jail is very "sobering". To say the very least, the addict is forced to take on withdrawl head-on without all the creature compforts of doing it at rehab or at home. Sometimes, the experience is bad enough that the addict is convinced they never want to go through it again which becomes one of the motivations to get clean and stay clean. You wonder if you should bail her out so she can go through a detox program. Guess what - jail is a detox program. It just ain't pretty.

Jail is not a nice place. It has a lot of negative aspects both long and short term. However, it sounds like jail may be a good thing for your friend at this stage of her life. Her life is spinning out of control. Jail can help stop the spin.

I've been through this with friends, one manipulated me using her kids and how I love them as my own. Another friend told me she had to detox in jail and that's why she'll NEVER EVER pick up again so that she never has to have that experience again.

As a person who loves her friends dearly and has struggled for way too many years to help friends who are addicted I say let her sit in jail. It may be the best way you can show her how much you love her. When you have everyone solve your problems for you you become accustomed to others fixing your problems instead of doing for yourself!!!!

I've been through this with friends, one manipulated me using her kids and how I love them as my own. Another friend told me she had to detox in jail and that's why she'll NEVER EVER pick up again so that she never has to have that experience again.

As a person who loves her friends dearly and has struggled for way too many years to help friends who are addicted I say let her sit in jail. It may be the best way you can show her how much you love her. When you have everyone solve your problems for you you become accustomed to others fixing your problems instead of doing for yourself!!!!

Very well said, Liamsmom.

She is 25, has been addicted for 3 years now. She is in jail together with her girlfriend who is kind of a creasy person and has really bad influence on her. My friend usually gets arrested for covering up for her. I don’t know exactly what the rules are in that place, and whether they are allowed to see each other. If that was the case I am afraid she is going to bind with her even more. Besides, if I bail her out now while the other one stays incarcerated , I would have much easer time to deal with her.
As I said, it took me numerous attempts to get her to even consider the detox. She is very stubborn, hates being in jail and every time she is arrested, she believes it was unfair and that believe deepens her
mistrust in the system and in her mind, it validates her addiction even more.
All these things she is supposed to finish in June would have to be move for July while she would live in the same crack house she used to live before, that all jail sobering time, may as well be for nothing.
Over the last night a new idea came to my head: What if I let her stay there for a while, lets say 10 days and than I took her out on the condition that she would stay in my apartment during the community service which isn’t due until June 12.
I know that 2500 is a lot of money, but my main concern is what is best for her. Her other long time friend died just a week before memorial day after spending some time in jail and than overdosing.
I want to make the right decision and I thank you all that you care to respond.

She is 25, has been addicted for 3 years now. She is in jail together with her girlfriend who is kind of a creasy person and has really bad influence on her. My friend usually gets arrested for covering up for her. I don’t know exactly what the rules are in that place, and whether they are allowed to see each other. If that was the case I am afraid she is going to bind with her even more. Besides, if I bail her out now while the other one stays incarcerated , I would have much easer time to deal with her.
As I said, it took me numerous attempts to get her to even consider the detox. She is very stubborn, hates being in jail and every time she is arrested, she believes it was unfair and that believe deepens her
mistrust in the system and in her mind, it validates her addiction even more.
All these things she is supposed to finish in June would have to be move for July while she would live in the same crack house she used to live before, that all jail sobering time, may as well be for nothing.
Over the last night a new idea came to my head: What if I let her stay there for a while, lets say 10 days and than I took her out on the condition that she would stay in my apartment during the community service which isn’t due until June 12.
I know that 2500 is a lot of money, but my main concern is what is best for her. Her other long time friend died just a week before memorial day after spending some time in jail and than overdosing.
I want to make the right decision and I thank you all that you care to respond.

As long as you soften the landing, you are enabeling her and, as frustrating as it is, you become responsible for her continued addiction.

Your friend is in jail because of her choices and lifestyle. Addicts always blame someone else for their situation. "The System" isn't going against your friend. Your friend is going against the system. She didn't end up in jail by accident or by mistake. She is taking drugs because she likes drugs - not because "the system is unjust and that frustration causes her to take drugs" Users have a million excuses for taking drugs and when they run out, they make up more; "life is unfair - need drugs", "friend died - need drugs", "lost my job - need drugs" when you hear all the excuses, it is a wonder anybody ever survived without drugs.

It is good that she does not like jail. Jail is not meant to be enjoyable.

Don't try to control who she sees either in jail or out of jail. Jail is filled with unsavory people - in fact, it is an exclusive club of unsavory people. Of course, her life outside of jail probably also includes many unsavory people - like her roomies at the crack house.

Look, blueandblue, this is a losing battle for you. This is a fight you won't win. Leave your drug riddled friend in jail so she really can go through detox without a chance of walking out (like she could do at rehab). It sounds to me like she is using you and you are unknowingly accommodating her. Addicts are extremely manipulative. Don't be manipulated.

You sound like a beautiful and caring person. There is so much real need in your community by people who would appreciate your help. Please, please, use your energy to help people who really want it. Volunteer your talent and compassion at a local workshop for people with disabilities or battered women or some other deserving organization.

When your friend gets clean, invite her to pay-back society by joining you in you volunteer work.

Hi to all,
In 1990 I was arrested for dealing cocaine (of course I was using and used dealing as a way to get my drugs). I went to jail, then to prison. In jail someone can help you get out, but prison is MUCH different. This is when I finally hit my "rock bottom" and worked very hard to get treatment before I was released (don't be fooled, prison is not to rehabilitate, but to punish, as it should be). I finally did find a congressman who halped me get into a 6 month treatment center before I went home.
My point here is that your friend will NOT get help for herself until SHE wants it and has finally reached HER bottom. We, as friends and loved ones, can do everything we can to help, but it only lets them know that you will bail them out again!
Until SHE is ready to help herself, the only thing you are doing is prolonging her addiction, and helping her to continue her using.
Remember, addiction leads to one of three places: jail, death, or recovery.
Good luck. You sound like a wonderful friend, but sometimes the best way to be a friend is to turn away and let the person you love stand on their own two feet.

I know how hard this is for you to understand. I have been an addict and would use everything to MY power to convince, manipulate, and whatever else it took to get what I want. The system hasnt failed her shes failed it. She has a mind of her own, she just blames the other person so she doesnt look so bad. Like feel sorry for me. No one makes us do things unless this person had a gun to her head, we choose to do things. Maybe while she is sober and in jail with this person maybe she will finally be clear enough to realize who or what this person really is. Misery LOVES company. Offer to let her stay with you when she gets out of jail and is clean and then keep her away from her using freinds. I'm sure her community service will still be there when she gets out. Support her then right now though let her sit in there and think 2ce about her actions and maybe she wont keep repeating the same things over and over. Since it sounds like she has never had to suffer for the consequences cause she is always bailed out. Do this for your friend you wont be helping her by bailing her out then when she gets out tell her to stay with you and give her rules to follow if she wants to continue living with you. Dont let her go back to the crack house. Trust me if you bail her out she will only be counting the days until her using buddy gets out so she can go for a visit and will just keep repeating this process. No one likes to see there friends suffer but sometimes all we can do is be supportive not support them. I hope we are getting through to you cause this is what is best for your friend she really needs to see what her lifestyle is and what the end result is. Her friend od'ing didnt stop her from using so you bailing her out wont either she will just suck you dry on top of the 2500. Trust me on that one. Good luck, you sound like a great friends, but great friends have to know when to walk away too. I have lost plenty cause they could no longer put up with or watch my lifestyle. Kim

Kim, how did you stop using? Would you be willing to talk to her when she gets out? She told me once, that she doesn’t know a single person who has ever recovered. So, let me clarify: your position is that
I should let her stay there the entire month, tell her I don’t have the money and then keep her in my place? I have contacted a good rehab before, but they told me that she has to go through detox first. They have 4 to 6 months programs and would find a job for her so she could partly pay for the treatment.
Is the jail time consider as a equivalent of a detox? I always thought there is more involved than just physical abstinence like some education, psychological support, you know the whole works.
I will contact these people again and ask if they would admit her after her jail time is up. And yet , I still find the idea of keeping her in jail the entire time as a violation of a personal trust between me and her. Her friend attacked her on the street and they both were charged with domestic battery. Her only fault this time was hanging around with that person, and it didn’t have at least any direct connection with drugs and even though the time in jail could be used to clean her up I don’t feel good about this whole approach. It all seems as some kind of trickery so typical in
her drug world. How am I going to convince her again that I am really here for her to help when I take sides with people who put her in a cage just because she has a long arrest record.
I heard that 30 days it’s not much of a recovery from crack and I still weight that short forced success against her long term chances of true recovery when I lose her trust.

Kim, how did you stop using? Would you be willing to talk to her when she gets out? She told me once, that she doesn’t know a single person who has ever recovered. So, let me clarify: your position is that
I should let her stay there the entire month, tell her I don’t have the money and then keep her in my place? I have contacted a good rehab before, but they told me that she has to go through detox first. They have 4 to 6 months programs and would find a job for her so she could partly pay for the treatment.
Is the jail time consider as a equivalent of a detox? I always thought there is more involved than just physical abstinence like some education, psychological support, you know the whole works.
I will contact these people again and ask if they would admit her after her jail time is up. And yet , I still find the idea of keeping her in jail the entire time as a violation of a personal trust between me and her. Her friend attacked her on the street and they both were charged with domestic battery. Her only fault this time was hanging around with that person, and it didn’t have at least any direct connection with drugs and even though the time in jail could be used to clean her up I don’t feel good about this whole approach. It all seems as some kind of trickery so typical in
her drug world. How am I going to convince her again that I am really here for her to help when I take sides with people who put her in a cage just because she has a long arrest record.
I heard that 30 days it’s not much of a recovery from crack and I still weight that short forced success against her long term chances of true recovery when I lose her trust.

blueandblue; don't confuse detox with recovery. Detox is the physical part. Depending on the drug and the degree of addiction, the detox usually make the addict very sick - puking, sweating, shaking, nausia. It usually lasts about 3 days to a week after stopping drug use. I have heard of some people who have had longer detox, but generally, it is over in less than a week. HOWEVER, detox is only a small part of staying clean. Most people can't stay clean without first learning the tools of staying clean and getting the support of others. Some are successful with NA. Recovery is a very long process. I envy those who can afford the cozy environment of several months stay in a rehab center. Personally, I have seen so many people relaps after rehab that I question the effectiveness and the value of the investment.

I would NOT allow your friend to move in with you. From your description, she is going to get out of jail with little money. The chance of her falling back to drugs is HUGE. She might detox in jail, but she won't recover. When she needs money for drugs, you better believe you will be an easy target. She hangs around with other addicts who also will do anything to pay for their drugs.

Living in your house, she and her friends will have access to you most personal things including your bank and credit card numbers (from mail), your driver's license number (when you are sleeping or don't notice), your purse, probably your social security number. In addition to having your possessions stolen, you could have your identity stolen. OUCH! - and you were just trying to be nice.

Oh suuuuure, she would NEVER do that to YOU. Naturally, she is your friend and she is different. However, I have seen addicts do unbelievably bad things to people that love them and try to help them. Addiction trumps love nearly every time.

You might trust your friend, but can you trust the other people she WILL bring into your house? I assume you will be working. Is she going to be at your home when you are not there?

Addicts aren't necessarily bad people, but they do very bad things that hurt other people. If you are going to help your friend, you really need to wear rubber gloves, if you know what I mean.

blueandblue, print this thread you started here and send it to her. Maybe then she will understand that you love her and will not to enable her any longer. This is what real friends do. Not a drug friend, but a REAL friend.

B&B I 've struggled for approx 15 yrs with a friend I love like a sister she'd get sober than fall off track again. I realized that I can't fix her only when she wants to get clean is there a chance for it to happen. When she's going through her drug using fazes I step back for my own sake because it hurts me to see her like that but I am always there when she reaches out to me and says I'm ready will you help me I need help. Only then can anything you do to help will be recieved. But the only help I offer is love and support, I'll sit in a waiting room for detox, I'll give her words of love and kindness and remind her that no matter what condition she is in I love her I love it more when she's clean because I'm spending time with the person I became friends with so long ago. I learned the hard way about providing money or a roof etc. for her the only thing you'll be doing is prolonging the addiction and providing a safe place for her to do it.

It's so very hard to see someone you love destroying their life but you don't control that she does. I'll pray for your friend lately all my prayers are being answered. My friend is in detox right now I'll pray that your friend can find the courage to get help. Keep posting here there are so many terrific people here to offer support and advice it's been a major support for me and it feels like a huge hug from cyber space.