but have been reading your forum . My husband and best friend died last Feb. 24th and I have been feeling so guilty. He had lung cancer and I was his caretaker. Sometimes I would be so angry with him over little things. I didn't want to be angry, just happened. The worst was, he never wanted to go into hospice care. The doctors and I kept telling him that it didn't mean he was going to die right away, just be some help for me. He finally gave in, reluctantly I might add. Monday was a holiday so they set the time back to Thurs. that week. Monday he had alot of pain in his shoulder so I took him to the hospital. They wanted to cut his legs open and do surgery "in case he had blood clot." I told them we were going for quality time not quantity. He came home without the surgery and went down fast. Tuesday he couldn't eat or feed himself so I fed him and encouraged him to try. Wednesday he lost control of his bladder and wet the bed and the couch and the floor and I yelled at him to sit still on the towel on a pad so I could get the bed changed. Finally got someone to come in and I went to buy depends. God what lifesavers those things are. Then Thursday the hospice people came in, set up a hospital bed, oxygen tanks, potty chair, gave us a walker to help him walk. I fed him his favorite dinner and he was happy. I tucked him into the hospital bed and kissed him goodnight, told him I loved him and went to bed. In the night about 1:30 I got up because the dogs started and looked toward where he was. He was still sleeping so I went back to bed. I couldn't sleep, because we had never slept apart since we started going together 12 years earlier. I finally got up at 4:30 and came to his room and he was leaning over the rail as though he was watching me. I walked over to him to make him lie down in a more comfortable position and he was ice cold with rigor already set in. I can't seem to shake the feeling that if I hadn't insisted on hospice maybe he would have lived longer. I think maybe he gave up on life. I'm sorry this is so long. I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone. Thanks for letting me post.

Oh BC, I'm sorry. But you need to know that you weren't really angry with him, you were angry at the situation and that's why you were snappy. If you really sat down and thought about all the emotions you were feeling, most of it was probably anger and a feeling of "Why did you have to get sick. We had plans to do together, places to be and grow old together." You know what I mean.

You were hurting but trying to survive and take care of him all at the same time. That's a tall order that most could never handle. No one blames you, I'm sure least of all him, for putting him in hospice care.

My mom died aug 24, 2005 (her birthday ironically is feb 24, she would have been 47) and we put her in hospice...we thought she'd have a few weeks at least, but she died within 3 days. I think it's because they know and it is okay to quit fighting. Sometimes I believe they hold on out of fear, others, it's for our benefit, but to their detriment. Does that make sense?

I may have been watching you. How beautiful would that be to know that maybe he knew he was dying and wanted the last thing he saw to be his beautiful wife and best friend. That must have been a comfort to him. I don't know if he was capable of waking you, my guess is that he was, but he chose to let you sleep and not have to watch him 'finish' dying...I know that sounds awful, but I'm sure you know what I mean...you were watching him die the whole time he was sick.

I watched my mom take her last breaths and it was horrible. I still see it in my head and it haunts me to this day. It still seems unbelievable and even more so that she's really gone.

Just out of curiosity, how old were you and your husband when he passed? I have been with my husband for 14 years, married almost 12 and I'm just 29...so I'm not sure how old you are....I realize a lady never asks another her age, but I'm country and hardly a lady! lol...sorry, my sense of humor kicks in during grief, that is the only thing that ever kept me going. I don't know if you're the same way.

I hope this finds you well...I know that everyone here will keep you in their prayers...it's a good bunch of people.

.........Angel

Thank you for your kind replies. I am a christian also and know that my man is up there with God. He always said "I have to go first so when it is your turn you won't get lost!" I never could get my directions right so that was our little joke. I guess the hardest thing for me is that he was only 55 and we had such a short time together. We both were married twice before so it was a 3rd times a chrm deal. My first two were abusive and I was pretty hard to get to know after that kind of luck in men, but we were friends for 4 years before we married. He was the kindest man I ever knew. We had a few words sometimes but he really made me happy, and I know he was happy also. Then God decided he needed him too. I just feel so lost. We were together all the time, except when we had to work separately. And then we rushed home to be together again. Our love never got old or tired. Now, I'm alone again, but this is different than anything I have gone through. My Mom and Dad both are gone. That was hard, too but Bill was with me so he helped me with that time.By the way I am 59 this month. Again, thank you for listening.

This has been a hard day today. My mother-in-law called me just to talk, bless her heart. I just wasn't wanting to talk about him with her. My daughter called me the other night and I was telling her about this forum. She thought it was a good idea. Then she started telling me things like how she thought he was stuck up and snooty with her. I told her that he never talked mean about her to me, tryin to calm her down about the subject. It didn't do much good. She just kept on until I wanted to hang up on her. Why would she want to hurt me with junk like that? I tried to tell her that he was just feeling kind of important at the time and she must have misread him. Maybe I just don't remember the side that she says he had. Do you think I have already forgotten that he could be that way, or does she have some hidden reason to want to say mean things? I guess I only remember the husband that never touched me with anything but love, that held me every night before we fell sleep, that walked around the park with our little 3 pound dog in his arms, never thinking that it probably wasn't "manly". I remember the good times, maybe and prefer not to think about the times we had words. Oh well who am I hurting. It sure isn't me.

She may also be trying to find an odd way of consoling you by making him out not to be as good as he was...does that make sense...that maybe in her mind, if he wasn't as good of a man as you think you won't miss him as much.

It also may be true..at least in her eyes...but now is not the time for her to say those things. Just ask her next time she starts it up to stop..."I know you two had your issues, but that's something you should have taken up with him and at least for now, I am not up to hearing this stuff..I am still grieving...so please keep the negatives to yourself or share them with someone else."

I also think that directing them to a forum like this will give them a chance to air their grievances (maybe not this one, so you can have some place that's just yours) to someone who is not involved.

I don't know...hope this helps at least take the edge off a bit.

Well, here I am again, pouring out my feelings. I just get so I think maybe I will make it through this sanely and then here comes something else to remind me. I got this stupid bill today that was a threatening letter to my husband for a bill that was not even right. They ended up owing me money instead, but the point is, how long until I don't get mail addressed to him? Why can't people just quit with the free offers and junk mail when they already know that he is dead? Don't they ever communicate to the home office? I sent a death certificate to this one company to prove that he was gone and now they send him ads to get him to come back! Don't they realize how hurtful these darn things are? I don't read them but still!!

I really am not looking for an answer as I know that no one can help me with this. I just needed to get it off my chest. This board is really helping me get things out. I am doing sooo much better every day.

I can too help!!! There is a junk-mail registry, similar to the do-not-call registry. I am not sure how to locate it, but talk to your local post office, they should have the information and you can have his name and yours for that matter put on the registry.

I know it's a kick in the face....It's like recieving the bill for the autopsy, isn't it. You know it's coming, but it's just plain wrong.

How are you holding up otherwise????

I am holding up better than I ever thought possible. I still miss him of course. We were always together and loved it that way. Reading and answering some of the posts here help me deal. I see how others are in the same place as I am and somehow that makes me feel less alone. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for my 2 little dogs. One lays on one side of me and the other on the other side of me. I feel so cuddled that I can pretend he is still here with my eyes closed. I am able to sleep now for about 4 hours before waking and feeling so sad. I wish I could talk to my family about this, but I think they don't want me to talk about it anymore. Sooo, I come here and talk on this forum. It makes me feel like I have people that can help or at least will listen and feel what I feel. Thank you for asking. Also, I found a phone # to get us off the list. They tell me it could be 6 months before they completely stop and then it will be 5 years before they start again. Better than nothing right?

Hi BC - how are things going?
My husband died of lung cancer in May 05, he was 55, I was 36... we managed to have 11 1/2 wonderful years together, and a beautiful daughter who I live for - and BOY do I know what you mean about things!!

I think we're supposed to walk around in black all the time and hand out copies of marriage certificates and death certificates to all and sundry, cos otherwise we must be lying or joking about having a husband die (and I really hate the term 'lost', as in 'lost your husband... I didn't 'lose' him, I know exactly where I left him!)... mail still comes for him, but only from places I haven't told still... I'll get around to it one day... Junk mail goes back with a great big 'return to sender - unsolicited mail' in red all over the front of it. Hope none of them are lottery cheques!!

Of course you will miss him, you will for the rest of your life. I think of it as a sort of a 'penance', if that is the right term (not being in the slightest bit religious does have its downside occasionally!) - my husband fought so long and so hard for us, now I have to fight long and hard for our daughter, because he wanted me to take care of her and make sure she turns into a decent human being... some days are soooo much harder than others. I find solace in small things, a beautiful rainbow, an errant breeze...

We all have things we would have done differently, some of us more than others... Malakaya said, it was going to happen... just remember your husband was at home with the woman he loved! I woke mine up to tell him his breathing was funny - how bad is that!! Silly interferring wife I am! And just when you think the world has crapped on you enough, it gets worse. John's little mate was a lovely little brindle staffy, who, even though he loved us wanted to be with his master so very much he got lung cancer too, inoperable, and wrapped around the aorta. Exactly the same as John's was... the dog wasn't even 2 years old. If that's not love I don't know what is. The only thing that kept me sane was the fact they're together now, there's no other way it could've been...

I find writing letters to people helps, if you think you've been put upon by some of these people then tell them - in writing is better than on the phone - you get the enjoyment of venting at them without the witty retorts and smarmy replies or the PITY!! I don't want pity, I want ACKNOWLEDGEMENT!!

Maybe I should make me a sign to hang around my neck over my black clothes...

Sorry to burble BC, I really do hope things are well for you... but I'm not going to say cheer up and be happy, cos I think that's incredibly patronising too! You just be yourself!

hugs

Thank you for the reply. I had a really rough weekend. My birthday was Friday and he always got me flowers and 2 or 3 cards. He would say, he couldn't decide which one he wanted so would buy them all. Then Father's day comes into the picture. Since his kids were never there for him I would get him cards and gifts and hide them all over the house for him to look for. We had alot of fun in our "old ages". I got calls from my sisters and my grand daughter, but not from my daughter. I don't know what is wrong with her to just forget her own Mother's birthday. It really hurt this year because she should have known I would be upset with it all. When I asked her what happened she said she was busy. I guess I just expected to much, but she is almost 39 years old and one would think she could figure out a way to remember. Oh well, I lived through it and I guess that is a good thing. Thanks for letting me vent.

What's up with me? I seem to be having a breakdown kind of day. I was watching the news this morning and suddenly got this terrible lost feeling and started to sob!! I haven't cried for quite a long time and don't know where that came from. How can a person go along doing pretty well and all of a sudden just fall apart watching the news? I wasn't even watching a disturbing story. Something made me think about the morning I found him and I just hurt so bad all over. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I pulled myself together and got to work and made it through the day without any more problems. Now tonight here I am sitting alone and holding my dogs and I am so darn lonely. If I could just hold him once more or talk to him just a few minutes or see his little boy smile when he would bring me flowers, maybe this could be a little easier. It will be 4 months tomorrow since he passed away. It seems like years. Sometimes I can't even remember what he sounded like and that really scares me. I need to remember all about him to keep my sanity. God, Help me tonight.

Hey BC...I am sorry I haven't checked back in on you...last thing you need is another deserter...huh...

How are you holding together today? I don't remember if you already posted it and honestly, I probably do not have the brain power to research it, but how did he die? What was his name? Do you talk to him often?

Even though you can not see him, talk to him and then sit quietly, I promise that some day soon, if not already, you will be able to feel him. It sounds like the two of you had such an amazing connection, and the hardest part there is that it is so rare to be that loved, but such sorrow comes when you lose what so few get to feel.

I am sorry that you're struggling so hard right now, but it is to be expected and a necessary part of the grief cycle. The good thing is, there will come a time when it doesn't hurt to breathe and you don't curse because you managed to wake up again....

Do you dream of him often? I believe that often they come to us in dreams, as to not freak us out...as much as I'd like to see my dad again, I'd probably wet myself if I did...but after my brother died, I saw him very vividly in a dream. We never spoke, but I knew what he was 'telling' me...it was very peaceful and healing. Tell yourself (or ask God...if you believe) to help you remember your dreams of him and you may be surprised at it.

You may also notice your dogs acting a little funny, again a belief of mine is that our animal friends can see the spirits of those at Home...we had one dog that would act quite funny at times, like he would walk through an empty room as if he were dodging a room full of people...even when he had a straight path to me...and many times on those days, there was a different engery in the house, I could feel it.

Do you have a support system...friends, family, support group???? Is it helping??

What can I do to help??

What kind of work do you do? Does it keep you busy? Is there any way to put in a few extra hours on your hard days or volunteer somewhere to help redefine your life. Sometimes all we need is to find we have a purpose, even if it's not the one we wanted. It always feels good to be need and wanted, even if it's by someone else.

Giving does a heart more good that you'll ever know. Maybe, if you like animals so much, help out at a local shelter or humane society.

I don't know, sweetpea, I'm just rambling now, I wish you well and send my hugs and love in your direction...hope to hear from you soon.

...........Angel

Well, I'm better today. I have had the worst few days. My husband's name was Bill. He died of lung cancer that went to his brain and other places. The radiation took him, I believe. He went downhill so quickly after the radiation to the brain. He went in his sleep here at home, in his hospital bed. Hospice had just delivered the equipment to help me help him and he died that same night. Bill was the greatest thing ever to happen to me. He always said that I had had enough bad things happen to me and he wanted to be the good thing. Of course we had words once in awhile. I think every one does. He never raised a hand to me even when I was yelling at him. I was so angry that he was going to leave me. Of course he knew that and one time he promised me that he wouldn't let it kill him. Bless his heart, he did his best to keep that promise, until I released him. When I think of him never coming home it is too painful. I think that this dam I have built is going to burst and sweep me along with it. Thanks for letting me vent here.