My husband has been diagnosed ADD. He will not take any medications for it because they have all given him terrible side-effects which I won't go into here.

Here is my problem:

Whenever I try to sit down with him to talk in-depth about an issue in our relationship, how my day was, or ANY topic that will take more than 1 minute to discuss, he completely loses focus and does not listen to any thing I say. He starts to fidget, will switch channels on the TV, play with the cats, etc. He tells me he is hearing me, but I feel like I don't ever have his full attention because he cannot focus long enough on me to have a real conversation.

Has any one else dealt with this and what can I do about it???

He sounds like my husband, only my husband will simply tell me he is not interested. I'm thinking its more that some people would rather be doing something they are interested in and ignore what is being forced on them.

But since my hubby is rather direct person, at least I know what the problem is in my case. Maybe your hubby just doesn't have the heart to say honey, I want to watch TV because you are boring me with subject matter that I am not interested in.

I guess if a person isn't interested in something you are, there is no use in pushing it....I've developed the why bother/don't care attitude as a result after many years of this.

Because you see, you have equal right to ignore him if he engages you in something you have no interest in either, it works both ways! So now I find myself ignoring my hubby when he goes on and on about things that he likes to talk about...boy he don't like it when I turn him off, but I explain that I'm not interested and that he does the same thing to me when he's not interested...so what can he do other than just put up with it :D

I'm not convinced this particular problem is not an ADD thing, but rather a culture clash of the sexes. I mean, if my hubby has ADD he sure hides it well, successful career and one of the most responsible people I know so that can't be it!

Perhaps you should adopt the why bother/don't care attitude I have? Just a thought...

Perhaps you should adopt the why bother/don't care attitude I have? ...

How sad for you, Jennita. Doesn't sound like a very satisfying relationship.

Turning the tables and ignoring your husband is one way to deal with it, haileysheets, but IMHO, it's not the best way. I think that you should see a marital counselor. Your husband tuning you out is probably for bigger reasons than simple ADD.

Truthfully now, when you get on these topics that take longer than a minute, do you tend to go on an on?

We used to have the same problem in my house but in reverse. It was my husband who would rattle on incessantly about his job. He'd get mad at me when I'd try to get him to cut it short. "I don't have to be concise in my own home! I have the right to talk", he yelled once.

It took years of quiet resentment on my part before I finally got to the point that I could say to him, "Yes, but I have the right to some peace and quiet in MY own home. We have to negotiate how we both get what we want".

These days, he's better about trying to give me smaller "sound bites". If I'm interested, I let him know and then we discuss it. Likewise, I try to open up more. I also model for him when I start going on about something: "tell me if you want me to stop" or "tell me if this isn't a good time". A conversation takes TWO willing participants.

Listening isn't a requirement in marriage. It's something you do to show the other person that you care.

haileysheets,

I am the husband with ADHD but can take meds. However, I can't take them when my wife needs me the most - in the evening.

On the inside, I'm always (except when on meds) in turmoil. I can't sit still. Always got to be doing something - anything. There is this incessant directionless driving force that makes having a meaningful conversation difficult.

I am working on some relaxation techniques that seem to help - a combination of visualization and muscle relaxation. Its efficacy lasts beyond the session but too soon to tout it without reservation.

It is a fact that some people cannot tolerate ADHD meds. You can't change that. You may be able find some relief in another strategy.

Bob

Actually index, it isn't sad, it's actually quite liberating.! I no longer worry about every little thing. For the first time in years, my hubby and I actually have more fun together too, we joke alot....no more sweating the small stuff.

What a relief. Those earlier years of turmoil evaporated.

I don't know, maybe this can only come from being married for 30 years perhaps, when you are just too tired out to care? I mean, eventually you turn off the broken record instead of letting it skip and skip, right?

Maybe I'm just getting old and bitter? :D

Yes, perhaps my advice wasn't appropriate for the younger marriages that just haven't gotten there yet, sorry about that I guess it's true that every marriage/situation is different, sorry I assumed to give advice that may not be suitable in this case.

Maybe marriage counseling could help this case better, I do agree with you index on that one.

In my own situation, counseling would just screw up what took 30 years to accomplish. ;)

My husband has been diagnosed ADD. He will not take any medications for it because they have all given him terrible side-effects which I won't go into here.

Here is my problem:

Whenever I try to sit down with him to talk in-depth about an issue in our relationship, how my day was, or ANY topic that will take more than 1 minute to discuss, he completely loses focus and does not listen to any thing I say. He starts to fidget, will switch channels on the TV, play with the cats, etc. He tells me he is hearing me, but I feel like I don't ever have his full attention because he cannot focus long enough on me to have a real conversation.

Has any one else dealt with this and what can I do about it???

Well I know exactly what you are talking about, because I do that when my mother tries to talk to me about issues etc, I just fidget with my fingers or something I'm holding. I still fully hear her and comprehend everything and comment back but she always tells me I'm not listening. Does your husband respond to you, or just totally ingnore you. It may seem like he's not paying attention but he may well be hearing you and understanding. Also, he may find it to be like a chore to talk about the day, like many men are which is unfortunate, so that is another possible reason for his ADD symptoms. Try and find something where both of you can bond together and have a conversation then bring up an issue you have while you have his attention or connection. That may help. But then again, I am only 18 and don't know what its like to have a husband. Hope that helps though.

Thanks for all the helpful replies. I appreciate them more than you know. I talked to him about my original frustrations last night. He said he understood why I would be so frustrated. He explains that he tries his hardest to concentrate on what I am saying, but that he loses focus if I go over 5-10 minutes. He says that while he cares about what I am saying, his mind starts to "get bored and seek stimulation from something else." Those are his exact words in quotes. I am definitely the talker in our relationship, and I *do* have a tendency to go on and on and on and on...

It's funny because I also just brought this issue up with my husband's mom. She said that he had a difficult time sitting still long enough to have an in-depth conversation with her even as a child. She also said his teachers would complain that he couldn't sit still at all. I guess this problem goes back a long time.

It's just nice to know I'm not alone with this. I guess I am the type of person that loves to sit down with people and have long, intellectual conversations, and I don't feel like my husband is able to do that. I'm fortunate that my husband and I do not have any major marital problems and we love each other dearly. I'm thinking that when there's an issue I want to discuss I should warn him it might take more than 5 minutes and let him have "breaks" or something when we're trying to talk. I'm not sure it will work, but any thing is worth a try, right? :)

I'm thinking that when there's an issue I want to discuss I should warn him it might take more than 5 minutes and let him have "breaks" or something when we're trying to talk. I'm not sure it will work, but any thing is worth a try, right? :)

That sounds like a great idea!

I think it would also be useful to check with him that "now is a good time" before starting in. You might encourage him to fidget with something in his hands like silly putty or one of those stress balls. Surprisingly, those have been shown to aid concentration. Chewing gum also helps ADD'ers concentrate.

I doubt you'll like this, but you might also work on shortening what you have to say. You may enjoy long, intellectual conversations but I bet they are sheer torture to your husband.

I doubt you'll like this, but you might also work on shortening what you have to say. You may enjoy long, intellectual conversations but I bet they are sheer torture to your husband.[/QUOTE]

Haha...yes, they probably are. :)

I am definitely the talker in our relationship, and I *do* have a tendency to go on and on and on and on...
.......
I guess I am the type of person that loves to sit down with people and have long, intellectual conversations, and I don't feel like my husband is able to do that. I'm fortunate that my husband and I do not have any major marital problems and we love each other dearly.

haileysheets,

As someone who also loves to go on and on and on, and who has managed to maintain a marriage of 26 years (not easy, but definitely worth it), may I suggest that it is important to "share" ones interests with other people. I know that I just can't have long conversations exploring my thoughts and feelings on many topics with my DH. If it's something serious, then I make a point of letting him know that he needs to go into "listening mode" (his obedient expression is so cute). I know that I have to make a date with my girlfriends so that we can have a "heart to heart" over lunch or tea. I have other aspects of my personality that I can "share" with my DH, and as long as I accept that we cannot be all things to each other, it frees me up to be grateful for what we CAN share. Is that perhaps a bit of what you meant, Jennita?

--Rheanna

Absolutely, rheanna.....very well put (better than I did!). :)

I sympathize with you! My poor husband has to deal with the same thing! I have ADD and he is quite the opposite.. When your husband tells you he is trying to listen, Let me tell you, IT IS VERY HARD! If you can imagine standing on the side of the freeway and hearing the cars race past you at 55 miles per hour every few seconds that is ADD!! except of course the cars are thoughts.. He probably has alot of anxiety regarding trying to focus.. I know i do, My husband is just now starting to understand(our son has it too and my father too). Hang in there! He is blessed to have someone as understanding as you! :D