I've not had a good day today, and felt the need to share my thoughts and experiences with an audience.

My mum died on the 12th December 2005. She was cremated 4 days later, on my 32nd birthday.

She was diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2005. She endured the treatment for it, and hated it. It wrecked her body and took her hair. The cancer and it's treatment stole my mum. For almost a year I didn't have MY mum. I had a shadow of her. I watched her fade as I tried to stay strong for her and for me. I managed it mostly, but not all the time. Even when she was in pain and discomfort she still found the strength to help her little boy.

By August she'd finished the treatment. She was given the all-clear. She went back to shopping, visited the work she loved and started to get her life and strength back. She even started to get her hair back. Unfortunately it was short lived. Within weeks she started weakening. We were told it was the after effects of the treatment, she'd improve again soon. She never did. She thought she was getting her health back and it was taken away.

By November it was clear there was something wrong. She was admitted to hospital. They treated a blood clot and talked of sending her home. She'd always been an independent woman, but she was frail and was terrified of going home. Thankfully they kept her. 2 weeks later we were told that her condition was terminal. I didn't believe it. I thought I'd get to hold her again; eat her meat and spud pie, chocolate brownies, hash and dumplings; phone her; shop with her; buy her earrings, flowers, perfume. I watched her in her hospital bed and massaged her legs. She had awful dry skin. She was on a ventilator and struggled to eat.

The cancer took her early in the morning of 12th December. I didn't get there in time. "I felt a soul move through me" has always been a fave song of mine, but it took on a new meaning that day. It gives me hope, it makes me cry. I'm glad I told me ma I loved her, and I'm glad I heard her say that she loves me. She makes me proud. She accepted me, and never judged me no matter how crappy the decision was. I miss her terribly. It's the longest time I've ever gone without hearing her voice. She's left a huge hole in my life. I can't fill it.

If you've managed to read all this, then you must have the "patience of angels". Thanks for listening. It's been a great help.

I know what yor going through.I recently lost my mom to lung cancer and there is such a huge void in my life.Somehow,someway we go on with our life,but it is so hard when you no longer have the greatest love of your life.... your mother.My thoughts and prayers are with you. :angel:

I managed to read your entire posting. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope God watches over you and helps you through this time.

My father died at the aqe of 88, about five years after being diagnosed with colon and gall bladder cancer. During much of that time he was fine, and his cancer in remission, but the last year especially he was obviously in a lot of pain and very low energy. He was always extremely robust so the contrast was dramatic.

Although I was very sad of course when he died, one year ago, I realized pretty soon that he hadn't really been there at all for quite some time. He himself was quite all right with going, and once laughed about it and said "I am not the first to go, and I am not the last."

So...maybe through your grief you can understand that since your mom wasn't really there that last year, you did not lose your mom so much as allow her to move on beyond her physical pain. I know it would have been much harder for me to accept if there had been no transition period where my father himself wanted to move on.

I can understand where all of you are coming from.I lost my mother to lung and liver cancer in October 1998. She got diagnosed 2 months before she died and within 2 months the cancer had spread all over. It was the worst time of my life, I was 27 when she died. After she died my uncle died in December of that year, then the following January my grandfather died. I was devastated. I thought it was all done and I could get back on track. I did get back to normal again but it took a long time.

Then in February 2002 I found out my dad had liver cancer. Well the doctor told him that he had 6 months to live with or without treatment. My dad opted to not take any treatment. I took care of my dad from that point on until he died, he died in August 2002. I was 32 with no parents alive.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about them. The worst part is not having my mom around she was my best friend and since she has gone it seems like I don't have any kind of relationship that could even come close to what me and my mother had.

I was in a state of depression for 6yrs after all of this I was finally able to pull myself out of it. My prayers go out to all of you with this type of loss.

Your story sounds like it could have been written by me, except it was my husband, my soulmate, that cancer - or I believe ultimately the treatments -stole from me. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer on March 2, 2005 and passed away on August 20, 2005. As I near the anniversary of his passing, I feel that I am gradually losing my mind. (I also lost my brother-in-law to stomach cancer in January '06 and my mother to congestive heart failure in March of this year.) My husband, like your mother, was independent - strong, vibrant, health conscious, very fit. Seldom if ever sick. He completed 7 weeks of radiation with concurrent chemo and seemed to be doing ok - He'd lost weight and his hair, but he could still get out of the house and function. Then on Memorial Day '05, it was "the beginning of the end". He was in and out of the hospital with infections. He also developed a blood clot, I believe because of the blood transfusion he had or the chemo. I think they - the doctors - knew from Day 1 that it was terminal. The treatments made the final months of his life horrific and I think speeded up his death. At one point about a month before he passed away, he looked at me and said, "I wish I'd never seen those doctors." What if?

I'm angry because after 40+ years of the "War on Cancer" we seem to have made little or no progress. Why? I think it's an industry - big business - big money. They don't want to find a cure or ways to detect cancer early. Think of the billions of dollars they'd lose.

Am I angry at doctors? YES!