So, I just came from my best friend's grandmother's funeral. She was 85 and lived a full, wonderful life. There, my friend was holding her 6 month old son, and he was a bit fussy but so adorable, I couldn't stop looking at him. Then, it made me think about my mom who's only 4 years younger than my friend's grandmother, (I know there's a HUGE generation gap in my family because I was adopted). And I thought about my mom, who has chronic emphysema and is on constant oxygen, and how she may not be around to see my children, let alone my grandchildren, even though she already has them and even great grandchildren from her other children. But me, who is half the age of her other children, is barely able to give her any joy in that department. I want more than anything to have her see my children, at least just once. But as one failed IVF may turn into another, I am feeling very doubtful at the moment. I just want it to work so badly. I just want to cry. How can something you want so much make you hurt so much not to have it?

I don't know what to say except I am so sorry that you're hurting. I know how hard it can be to see a friend with a child and long for that love.

I'm so sorry, km. I, too, worry about giving my parents a grandchild before it's too late. I'm 37, my parents are 71, and my brother is in a relationship with another man so he isn't having children. So, my parents have NO grandchildren. Some of their friends are GREAT grandparents. My mom never pressures us or complains, but I know they'd love to have a grandchild. And for me and dh, I'm okay now without kids, but I don't want to be 70 and have no one to visit us, for example. Who would we have to pass things on to? I mean, besides a nephew and my goddaughter.

Hang in there. In some ways it's comforting to know that other women FEEL THE SAME WAY as you. We all HURT terribly from IF. But this also leads us to make personal decisions. You and your dh will know when it's time to move on. Me and my dh already have a plan. If 3 IUIs don't work, we'll give up and make different plans for our life - probably spend our money on the nephew and goddaughter and focus on our careers and travel instead. No adoption for us. Just the dog kind!

So, best wishes to you, whatever your decision may be.

~A~

I know how you feel! We are in our late 20s, and every single one of our friends have children. Some of our friends can't stop getting pregnant! We have tried for three years with no luck, and now we are starting to worry. The only thing I can say is that you are not alone. Keep your head up & keep your fingers crossed.

Km - I, too, am sorry you are feeling this way. I don't know how many times I have had the same feelings you do. I am almost 31 (which I know is not old), but my mom is an only child and my grandparents are 81 and want a great-grandchild so badly before they are gone. I am the oldest and the only one that is married and it doesn't look good for my siblings as far as any near future plans for marriage and/or children. I feel the pressure. But, when it comes down to it, there is nothing we can do about it - except what we are already doing. I always think to myself, Is it because I want it sooo badly and trying so hard? Is it God's way of letting us know that He is in control and he will give us a child when He knows it is right for us - not when we think it's right.

It's the only thing I want right now and I feel like our lives would be so complete if I could just have a baby - our marriage is perfect, we couldn't be happier or more content than we are as a couple - but we want a FAMILY. We've had 13 years as a couple and are so ready for a family - to be a family like ALL of our friends. To understand why our friends can hardly ever plan to go out with us anymore - because they have children. I swear if I hear of one more person that I know that got pregnant when they were specifically trying NOT TO - somedays I could just scream!!!

I have a cousin that is pregant with her 5th child with the 3rd father. Another couple I know is having their 7th child (HER 4th with 3 different dads). I hear parents screaming at their kids in public and it makes me so sad. I have such a hard time going to Wal-Mart and seeing all of those poor children whose parents don't appreciate them the way I would appreciate my child.

Anyway - I guess once I get going - I can't stop. We know how you feel - even if we are the only ones who really know how you feel - we are here for you always!

~ravae

ravae, something your wrote struck me and reminded me that, for me, it's important that I pray to understand and accept what is meant to be. I feel positive about this cycle, but I want to accept that this may or may not be it. Not to be negative, of course, but to say that I'll put this in nature's hands. I've done everything I can for now. So, not to turn this into a post about me, but I just wanted to say that ravae's post was an extra helpful post for me. Acceptance is the hardest part for us, isn't it? Accepting what we can't control, that is.

~A~

IM SORRY KM... JUST TRY AND KEEP YOUR HOPES UPS ;) UVE BEEN SO POSITIVE A LOT OF THE TIME, THAT I BELIEVE YOU HAVE HELPED PEOPLE, AND I BELIEVE YOU WILL MAKE UR MOTHER A GRANDMOTHER AGAIN!!! I WILL KEEP YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IN MY PRAYERS :angel: :angel: :angel:

Just A -
It took me a LONG time of praying to accept the fact that it's out of my hands - and I truly believe that it's because of the prayer that I am able to accept whatever it is that God has planned for me. I have said before, I am not an overly religious person, but something led me to prayer and I am a much easier person to live with today than I was 6-9 months ago before I found this "peace" with whatever is meant to be. Don't get me wrong, I still have my bad days and each BFN is still VERY hard for me. Like I said in my last post, if I hear of one more person getting pregnant without trying - well, I just got an e-mail from my mom, not an hour after writing that, that her friends son (who is not married, but got engaged because of the news) is going to be a daddy. Is that ironic or what???

Anyway, I'm glad I could help. It's been a long time coming for me to find peace with God's plan - but I am so glad that I did.

Best of luck to all and baby dust!!!!

~ravae

I totally understand, ravae. I feel fortunate in some ways that much of the intense pain is gone. Baby showers don't bother me. Well, not really! :-) I mean, of course I'm wondering if I'll ever have one, but it isn't painful, just a little discomfort.

I gave up for many years ttc cuz the emotional pain of period after period -- i couldn't keep doing that. it was too hard. and now i'm back on the roller coaster since apr/may when we started tx with the RE. I feel so much hope that I never had before, yet with all that hope comes the disappointment when AF came last time, and then I had a cyst which postponed tx for about 2 1/2 weeks.

So, if this IUI didn't work, I will CRY and let it out and post here, and then move on to round 3 just like many of us here.

~A~

Thanks ladies...I guess I just needed to vent. I'm feeling better today but still hate the inevitable and unavoidable unknown. I just wish I knew that this cycle was the one that was going to work, and then I wouldn't be so ridden with anxiety of not knowing how long it'll take, or if I'll ever be a mom, or what the plan is for me. I guess we all wish that!! :p But, then even with a BFP, the anxiety probably won't fade, it'll just redirect itself into other questions...like will I carry to term, will I or the baby(ies) have complications? :confused:

I guess that's life and what will be will be. It's a master plan that is beyond our control. I'm not a big prayer either, but those Novenas my mom keeps telling me to say couldn't hurt. She prays for me every Sunday at church that I'll get my wish, so I guess I should start praying more for myself!! :angel:

Good luck to all!!

Hey, ladies. I'm 9 dp IUI (that was done 6/5) and I feel AWFUL. I'm not feeling so positive today for a round 3 if this one didn't work. I've had cramping off and on, which I know some of it is normal from the IUI and hyperstimulation of my ovaries for it. But Monday I felt a sort of 'burning' sensation in my uterus area, and this morning I woke up feeling crampy; just like AF is coming. But it's only been 9 days? [I'm not on a regular menstrel cycle due to 2 wks on BCP prior to stims this time around -- had a cyst]. AF came 10 dp IUI first time (well, started; with 'full on' the next morning). But this time I'm on prometrium. I don't get it. I may call my RE office this morning. Otherwise, I guess all I can do is wait and see if AF comes on.

Before I give up, though, dh and I will schedule an appt with the RE to talk about all this and my concerns. Usually we just see the nurses, as I'm sure many of you do when undergoing stims.

Thanks for listening. I think the hormones have me extra emotional in an already emotional time.
~A~

:wave:
Hi Km, so sorry to hear you are struggling. It sounds like your family is a big support for you & that is wonderful. My partner and I aren't married, so we haven't told our families how hard we are TTC (we have been together for many years and are fine w/o the ceremony). Not having my mother's support is very hard on me through all of this - I would love to share my anxiety and fears w/ her. Anyway, I just wanted to say keep your chin up - I am sure it will happen for you!!!

Just A, I am also very sorry to hear you are having a bad day. I have been reading this site a lot lately, and you always have an encouraging word for everyone else. You deserve to be encouraged also!! I will be thinking of you and praying for you all day. Stay positive. Lots of good thoughts coming your way :p

KM- I'm so sorry you are hurting. I feel your pain. One of my dad's greatest wishes were to be a grandfather. He loved little babies/kids and couldn't wait to have one. But, unfortunetly we found out he had cancer Feb 2002. In May 2002 we found out we were pg, and he passed away in July 2002. He never got to see his first grandchild. He was the only boy (youngest with 5 older sisters), and he had 3 girls. And he lost his father at a very young age. Even though he loved my sisters and me, he really wanted a boy in the family, and I ended up having a boy. We tried to find the gender of our child as early as possible so we could tell my dad, but by the time we found out, he was already in a coma. It still pains me even today to think about this.

I wish I could comfort you more, and give you a hug. Please take comfort in knowing that we understand the frustration, anger, bitterness, despair... in this whole infertility journey. Take one day at a time, and keep your chin up. I know, better said than done.

Thank you ladies...it really does mean alot!! :angel: