if you dont know my story
ill sum it up
scared of hiv...just scared
go bloodwork...included hiv
went for results...chickened out...
i told him not to tell me the hiv results
he said everything else was normal
me in my paranoid mind was like 'what does that mean...EVERYTHING ELSE...'
THINKING he meant but not the hiv...i did not verbalize this...
so then he was telling me about my cholestoral and what not and i started to get upset...cause i knew i should know...he asked why i was so scared and i told him how i obsess and worry he said i needed help for that...and did i want to talk to someone...
he then told me he has no explanation as to why im so tired...
at least not a physical one
that was pretty much it
ppl are telling me he would have to tell me if i had hiv...or at least would have spent time talking to me about it and why i should know
he didnt do that...but then why didnt he tell me i was neg. if i am...
im so scared
i dont wanna go back and i dont understand why ppl are giving me a hard time for being so scared THIS IS HIV we are talking about...not a cold...i mean come on...
i dont know if i could face it

you're tired because of anxiety of stressing out about finding out your result. I think people are getting frustrated because they really want to help and you aren't cooperating. I think people are starting to feel like they're wasting their time. You can lead a horse to water.....you know?
There are so many good people here who really want you to take that brave step.....you already got tested! you were brave enough to do that! make that phone call and FIND OUT already so you can go on with your life!!!

i cant go on if i have hiv...
i really think i have it...
i mean i suffer from anxiety but there is a good chance i have it...
and so im just worried...
i need someone to tell me that hiv is a disease you can live with

they'veTOLD you that it's a disease you can live with......
perhaps you're not listening to CFLAS or Lost Spirit or any of the others?

You know, I think too much has been read into the way the doctor reacted when you didn't want your test results. I believe that if you tell a doctor you don't want to hear the results, they have to honor that regardless of what they were. I don't think the doctor is going to try to convince you to get them either way. Remember, they deal with tons of patients every day and their problems. It's difficult to impossible to tell what your results were based on the doctors reaction when you told him/her that you didn't want to hear them. They probably just noted that and moved on with their day.

You did a very courageous thing going to get that test done. Many of us fear this disease and can't bring ourselves to go and find out for sure. The fact that you were able to do that tells me you can work up the courage to get the results.

Try to think of it like this...if you have the disease, you have it either way. Not getting the results and worrying constantly won't change it. Plus, early treatment can help people manage this disease. If you don't have it, you will have spent countless days of your life worrying about something that you don't even have. Think of how good it would feel to walk out of that office not only conquering your worst fear, but knowing that you're ok and you can go back to your life not worrying about this any more.

No one can tell you for sure that you don't have it until you get the results. I think what many of us want is to know that we don't have any of the horrible diseases we worry about, but none of us want to know if we do because we feel we can't handle the truth.

Why are you convinced that you have HIV at this point? Has something happened to cause you to have concern?

Take Care,

PeskyRabbit

well pesky rabbit...i appreciate what you said but it kind of made me feel worse
basically reading into what the dr. said...was good for me...cause it added up to me NOT having hiv...
many ppl have told me on here and my friends that he would have somehow acted differently
NO dr. is just gonna sit there and be like 'oh your cholestorol is high' and blahblahblah
then suggest i see someone and tell me i have no physical reason to be fatigued...then write it up on the sheet for the mental health counseling that i have anxiety and i am fatigued
if he knew i was hiv pos. then the whole fatigue convo would have NEVER happened...in my eyes anyway...
yeah i think i am prob. neg...by the way the dr. was acting so why not get my results...cause there is always a chance i am wrong...
i am not ready
so by what your saying your making it sound like you think i have it
its whatever...
i dont even care anymore...
i try to seek help on here but you guys dont get it
i have not been with anyone who i knew had hiv...to answer your question...but i have slept with prob. 20 ppl in my 10 years of having sex...and back when i was younger i was not protecting myself...
lately i have been but condoms have broken
that is all

i do understand you mean either way with that...now that i reread it
cause i was like 'why wouldnt he just tell me im neg...' so i understand that could go either way

Hey Vianna,

I'm not trying to make you feel worse at all and no, I do not think you have HIV. I truly do not think that you have it. I thought that you were assuming that you did have it since after the way the doctor reacted. I was just trying to let you know that the doctor was just respecting your wishes. You very well may be right about what you've read into from his reaction. Please don't go away feeling worse after what I said because it was intended to make you feel better. It's not always easy to say things exactly how you mean them on these lists and sometimes things get taken the wrong way. So, if I said something to make you feel badly, I am truly sorry.

When I was in college, I wasn't always careful either. I understand how you feel and that you're scared. I also understand what courage it took for you to go in there and face your fears to have the test done. I was just trying to say that I think you're a courageous person and I think eventually you will be able to bring yourself to get the results.

i understand and i am sorry...i really am
but this has been weighing on me so long
and i think 'if only i would have done this or that' my life would be different and i wouldnt have hiv...i mean i already think i have it...im driving myself crazy and if i found out i had it...i dont know what id do
your right thinking and knowing is very different cause with thinking i can go back to NOT thinking...
SOME TELL ME....dont read into what you said
if you had it then he isnt gonna say anything
that is fine and dandy but i dont think he would have said the things he did say
CAN I ASK YOU THIS THOUGH
i said 'tell me everything else...just not the hiv...but everything else'
and he said 'ok well everything else was normal'
do you think he mean 'everything else but the hiv...'

You are going to have to face it sooner or later. So either you waste the rest of your life obsessing about it, or you find out for sure. If you dont find out, and you are positive...in due time you will find out because you will become quite sick...the it will be too late for you to worry.

It's ok. I know this is hard for you. Again, I am sorry if what I said made you feel badly because it was not meant that way at all! (-: Like I said, words typed sometimes take on the wrong meaning.

I do the same thing thinking about my past and regretting all that in college. Everyone always says you shouldn't regret the past, but it's hard no to sometimes.

To answer your last question, I think that he was just using your words in his response. You said "tell me everything else but the HIV," so he said "ok, everything else..." I really do not believe he was trying to tell you something or there was a hidden meaning in that.

I hope you will feel better about this soon. Are you able to escape from your worries at all and relax?

For heavens sake.. I have a nephew that is now 32 years old was diagnosed at 22. THey surmise he was infected in the very early 80's as a child when getting blood for an injury.
He is fine. Has a job, home and relationship. He is quite happy and healthy.

im sorry to hear that
arent you the one though who was on the hiv board and said that i prob. dont have it cause the way he acted...>>????just asking
i thank you for that...i really do
its hard and rough
i dont want to admit something is wrong with me like that

No, I was the one that said the the MD had a duty to inform the local health department, you and the CDC because it is an infectious desease. WHich I still stick by.

that is what i meant
you think if i had it...id know...he would have told me
even though i said not to

Yes.. I sincerely believe he is legaly bound. You could have infected 50 people by now.. he would be sued or better JAILED.

i hope your right
i dont know

I believe doctor's are not allowed to reveal this information as it is confidentially bound. I too had a fear of this for many many years and I hadn't slept around, so I can appreciate your fear after what you have said. You really need to get this result for your own sanity and if necessary your health. Good luck!!

yeah but they can reveal it to me
i think he almost HAS to...cause if i were pos...i think he would want me to know...for my own health
if he didnt just come out and tell me...he would have at least acted in a different way

I had the same fear because even though I went to the clinic and my regular doctor who checked me for that, I was still doubtful, wondering if they maybe messed up or just had the wrong results..so I ordered a kit and did the exam at home and sent it in, It sucked having to wait for the results, I called in and it was all ok, but still I wondered how accurate these tests were and I was driving myself crazy. We all do things when we're young that we wish we could change, but we have to face things as they come and I went to the doctor and made sure he tested me for HIV and all other things, once again the wait was horrible, I couldn't eat, sleep or think of anything else...but the results came back ok. Later on I found out I had something else,,,HPV,,,which isn't easy to deal with but once you know you have it as bad as it is, you at least know and can do something about it. I go for check-ups all the time, the results aren't always as I expect, I've had procedures done and I pray that it will get better, but I have to try and live life to it's fullest,,,yes easier said than done....but I know how you feel...the best thing is to find out the results.

thanks...i had hpv as well...got one procedure done so far...
it is very COMMON...
i know...im sure im fine
so you basically convinced yourself you had it?

I was scared I had it, and didn't believe anyone, at a point I thought I had it even though I had no signs and my best friend told me I would have known by now, but as much as I wanted to take her word, I was already in my own little world, my own thoughts and when I go there it's hard to get me back, but I wasn't doing myself any good. I was just getting more and more anxious as time passed and more confused and analyzing things over and over, how people reacted to me, how I acted, how my body functioned,,all that when you're anxious. Sometimes it still crosses my mind, but all I have to do is just remind myself that I was tested, I got the results and I even kept a copy of the paper. You're only going to drive yourself even more crazy in a way if you don't find out. I'm sure you're fine, but at this point you're already over thought it so much that the fear has tripled. I know the feeling. Be strong,,,take baby steps and it's ok to be scared, just don't stop living your life ok....we're all here for you.

One way to look at it is either you have it, or you don't. Getting the results doesn't make a difference one way or the other, except to set your mind at ease. It is true that a dr. would be legally obligated to inform you of positive status, so him not telling you is just about equal to him telling you that you don't have it. You should go back just so you can hear the words and put yourself at peace.

A friend of mine has aids and I recently used her razor blade without thinking about it and knicked myself. Not really risky since she had certainly rinsed it off after her last use and it had been sitting in the cold air for some time. I was still panicked. I went in to get tested and between then and when the test results came back I was a nervous wreck. I felt sick to my stomach. I cried a lot. I tried to imagine what life would be like if I had it. After all that worry I went in for the results and I was neg. I felt foolish for worrying so much. And relieved that it was all good.

My friend was diagnosed with HIV 10 years ago. To look at her you would never know she was sick. She is married and her husband is negative. They make it work with a little care. She is rather healthy. Most of the time the virus is undetectable and her T-cells are up right now. The only way the disease has impacted her life was by making her be more careful durring sex, and making certain that her oral hygene is up to snuff so she can go on kissing her husband. She takes pills every day that at first caused some miserable side effects, but now don't bother her much at all. The only thing negatively impacting her life is the herniated disk she is suffering from.

People are living full lives with HIV and AIDS now and dying of old age. It is not the death sentence it used to be.

I think the fear you are experiencing is worse than the disease itself. Go back. Hear the doctor tell you that the results came back negative. You'll sleep much better and be a happier, more carefree person. It's one thing to tell yourself that you probably don't have it. It's another alltogether to hear it come from a doctors lips. It takes the weight off. You can do it. Move on with your life.

thank you so much...both of you...
im really glad you responded
i feel SO much better
your right
but you sure he would HAVE to tell me
even if he didnt have to...id thought he would have tried to talk to me more about it...instead of brushing by it..like it was no big deal
for real thanks

Well to me your doctor saying "I do not know why your so fatigued" is very telling because if you had HIV that would probably be the reason for the fatique.I would personaly be just as scared but id have to call and ask for the results for my own peace of mind.I dont think you have HIV.I think you should go for therapy for your anxiety and start really living your life again.

If people stopped replying to your posts would you then go find out?
There's no point in going around in circles, and maybe if people stopped fueling your fire you would do something instead of spinning your wheels?
I think everything has been said here. The rest is up to you.
Just my thought.

momoffive
THANKS
for real
rosequartz...please i dont need that right now
momoffive...when he said 'unfortunatly i have no explanation for your fatigue...'i thought it was telling to...but then my PSYCHO mind was like what if he means...'i have no explanation cause you wont let me tell you that you are pos...' i know that is way over analyzing but yeah i mean if i was pos...his comment on fatigue would have been nonexistent...he wouldnt have said anything...it isnt like i asked him
you guys are all right
i am talking to someone

Vianna you have been told repeatedly, it would be illegal and immoral for a doctor to keep an HIV result from you. He would also NOT tell you he didn't know why you were fatigued if you had HIV.

What is it that you want from people? What else can anyone say to you? You do NOT have HIV.

Vianna I hope you can now get on with life.Everyone here is right like you said.The only thing you should take from this whole ordeal is to just be careful not to put yourself in the position again of having to worry about HIV.
Get out there and live your life! Think of all the time you are wasting with this obsession and it is an obsession and I have been there.......not no more life is too short. I wish you the best