i inittaly came onto this site for a different reason but i came across this board. seeing as i attend a venice highschool and there was a 16 year old boy shot and killed on the school grounds right after the bell rang on monday afternoon i thought i would share my story and... get some answers.

i understand that we go to school for basic reasons "learn to be robots" ... be on time, wait your turn, do your work, turn it in, shut up, no bad, stick it out, learn all thoes things you may never use later on inlife. but i find we also go t oschool to learn things the teachers, who are paid low wages and forced to deal with bratty immature children all day, cannot teach us. in this case i think it wasnt just a lesson of life and death, how todeal with it, or how to treat everyone. it was a lesson of life its self.

bugs was a nice kid was on the foot ball and soccer team this year he was an artist in sketchbooks.. and on walls. he had no problem just being. tho i just transferd to this school and had the chance to only meet him a few times i still fealt great remorse when he was shot. what do you do when you get over the shock? what can you do? obviously everyone deals with death differently, but how similar so many people are. i sat and held several of my crying friends as they told me heart wrenching stories oh their beloved bugs. i cried.

the kids walk through school like zombies they wear shirts that say RIP BUGS and shoe boxes that are so filled with money you cant even hear the clank of coins. their eyes are heavy and tired both emotionaly and physicly the tears never leave the corners of thoes eyes and their faces look empty. there is no way you cant feel terrible at the site.

some one ive known for a long time and was trying to talk to about this suddenly said "well at least he cant be touched" but hes dead hes dead i want to scream even now hearign this repeated in my head. dead...dead...DEAD. i feel almost like i did when i was 4 and my first dog died... gone... simply ... so simply gone. and here he was saying somethign so... terrible it seemd inconciveable to my mind. and as if my head did nto have enough to process at that time he then said in the most monotone voice one could ever hold "well... i thought that was the bright side.".... he then proceeded to chastize me for careign for crying saying tat it was utterly pointless. of course iunderstand that no ammount of wishing wanting waiting crying will ever brign him back. but he then tried to make me not care as if it was wrong for me to feel.

...if we feel sadness, desire, sympathy, empathy , pain, hurt, mental, physical, love, wheather its real or not... it IS... and that is the point i cannot get across. 16... one year younger than myself... but why... why is it that some people refuse to accept that we arent true robots... that we do feel? yes the teachers have to continue teaching the students have to return to their studies.. but... why can we not care in the eyes of the society? is it so wrong to cry?

It's not that people don't feel you matter or that you cannot feel, tradgedy touches people on such a level that it rocks their entire soul....so just as you and your friends are trying to find a purpose, so are the adults and they carry a heavy burden, too...what do we tell people who are just beginning in life to know that they can carry on, become great and not be heartbroken for life over something many will never understand and may never be given a reason other than, sometimes it just happens.

Everyone wants to know they matter, what few will ever know is how much they matter because most don't take the time to tell those they love.

You have a unique opportunity to learn from this and the biggest lesson you can learn is there is never a place in time when you can't take a few moments and let someone else know they matter...you matter, the kid no one talks to matters, every single person, as long as they have or have had a heart beat, matters to someone...whether they know it or not.

I can also tell you as an adult, that as teens we have no idea what the adults go through. Second guessing every step you make, every word you say, how it effects the young people around you and are we to blame if they head off in the wrong direction.

I never felt so much fear as the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I was your age and from that day on, life took on a whole new meaning. Life became terrifying...if he's coughing, is it some horrible disease that could kill him, did I choose the right medicine, am I giving it to him right, am I doing EVERYTHING possible to ensure his safety...I never had another peaceful night after he was born...waking up every time it was too quiet, making sure he never rolled over and suffocated...etc.

This may sound extreme to you, but as parents and guardians, we are entrusted to make sure these little creatures not only reach it to adulthood, but that they are as whole as possible...so when something like you described happens, there's a whole lot of questions spinning....what did we do wrong, did we miss something, how do we help these creatures out....a teenager to adult makes us feel like aliens...we no longer know how to function and live in your world...we hope for the best, and just keep breathing.

We know you are not robots...and we downplay much of what you are going through because we forget what constitutes a crisis to a teen, as an adult, it's not even a blip on the radar...it's just, "get over it, it's not gonna kill you..." but this type of event may have longer lasting and further reaching consequences...they are trying to regroup, and trying to figure out to the best of our abilities how to help.

IMO, you have a great talent for writing and empathy farther reaching that most kids your age, even for most adults...channel it...I have a feeling you can use it to heal a lot of broken hearts....and help you see life is not hopeless...it is not something to just be survived, it is an opportunity every day to make a difference, no matter how small...and realize that in the end, we all mattered.

Big hugs to you and all those at your school. You will be in my prayers and I'll be thinking about you all. If I can help, please, let me know.

With love............Angel

to angel

i know that parents are so compleatly worried all the time over everything. my parents cant get over the fact that now im 17 at least i know my dad cant but i dont push it on him. yeha dad im still your baby girl. it hust makes me take a few steps back when people expect us to get over something as if it had never happend... but it did happen it did. i have to walk past the blood stained asphal and the memorial thats 10 ft away everyday... just so i can get to my second period on time. i have to look into the eyes of my "half dead" friends and hope that tomorrow... they might smile. but this one guy (he used to be a neighbor whom i talked to every day) who turned 25 cant understand that.. yeah... we cry.

and thank you for the writing comment... i do want to be a writer when i get older. ive oublished a few things already as it is. and im workign on my first book. (yay)

love
~I.M.V.U.
<3

(deeply sorry for the lack of anything in this letter and the terrible grammer that i use. ... i just woke up and havent had coffee)