Hi guys!I found this website a few weeks ago and have been reading and sneaking around at night for a while now.I finally felt comfortable enough to post and be honest after reading other stories so similar to mine.I guess I should start by giving a little history about me.I cant ever really remember ever not feeling anxious and nervous and worrying.I noticed I was unlike most kids and tended to get sad and wanted to be alone and would withdraw around the age of 10.By the time I was 12 I was having full blown panic attacks.My parents were never any help (still arent).My dad never seemed to care or comment on anything and my mom would tell me to stop it and grow up and stop being so stupid she would yell at me make me feel so stupid and and made me feel I was a really bad kid.She told me she was going to send me away and not take me back untill I started acting normal.So I started hiding my attacks the best I could and keeping things to myself which only made me worse.Not that my parents were horrible bad people and I didnt have that bad of a childhood just when it came to my depression and anxiety attacks and all she didnt want any part and couldnt seem to understand that someone in her family had a serious mental condition I suppose.I married young and had two kids over the years and my depression came and went never really knowing when it would hit or what would set it off if anything set it off.Sometimes I think it just happens nothing really in my life to set it off.I really believed that all though I was still so anxious and having trouble with worrying and feeling other things the depression I could seem to push back each time sometimes it would be gone for months even.Which brings me now to the present.I have noticed that as time has gone on the depression is harder and harder to get rid of and its gotten worse and worse over time.The last few months Its been a daily struggle to get through each day.I cry all the time it seems or Im angry.I am up all night and sleep most of the day.I dont even recognize myself anymore and hate me.I feel all alone and so lost but yet I have a family.I feel no one understands me at all and Im tired of seeing happy people when I go somewhere.I resent them and yet Im so jealous and envy them.I have seen myself going over and shaking them and telling them stop smiling why are you smiling?Crazy right?Even though I would never do that (lol) I do feel that way at times.I am at a place in my life right now where I cant smile I cant laugh I dont see the point anymore.Im constantly thinking why are we here? What is the point to life?And I have never had these thoughts before.I go to sleep each morning when the sun comes up and drift off thinking maybe today is the day this fog I am stuck in moves away from me but it just never happens.At night when my kids go to sleep and then my hubby I walk in the kids rooms and tuck them in and before I even get back to my room Im in tears.I think how selfish I am for not wanting to be there for them and be happy I have these wonderful kids and love them with all my heart. I feel I am letting them down by letting this depression take over my life like this.Im so scared I dont want to feel this way or live this way.I tell my hubby every so often how Im feeling I even tell him Im scared of my feelings in my head and he either doesnt comment or changes the subject.We are not doing well anyway.The relationship is a mess has been for years and the depression makes it worse but maybe its worse because of the depression who knows anymore.Point is I guess I came on here hoping to share my thoughts.I have always heard being able to write down your thoughts and sharing is really good for you.I just dont want to be judged anymore and need real friends.Since moving a few years ago I have no friends to talk to not that I ever shared any of this with any of them I still had friends.I have never taken meds or even seen a therapist or anyone proffessional and shared any of this with them.I just keep it to myself and live with it.But cant do that anymore which is why Im here I suppose.Im looking for someone who understands and a friend Im so scared right now!:confused:

welcome to the board. You are facing the frustration most of us suffering from depression go through. The people in our lives often dont understand what is happenning to us and dont know what to say or do. it usually leads to a feeling of abandoment and lonliness as they will often say things like "snap out of it 'or not want to hear it. Depression will make us feel over sensitve to the littlest of things and send our emotions catapulting. It often comes more frequently and stays longer until we cant "get rid of it". All these symptoms you are having are very common and quite overwhelming at times. Its not your fault and you are not weak or feeble minded. Its usually the result of some underlying cause and there is hope. Dont try to battle this monster alone, there is so much help available. You might be suprised how common it is. The very best thing you can do is to see your doctor and tell them how you are feeling and what your day is like. if you find it difficult to talk about you might find it easier to put it all down on paper and take it to the doctor. This worked for me and my doctor said it was the best thing I could have done. The relief I felt from that first time telling him about it was a huge weight off my mind .He reassured me that I could get better and he was right. He prescribed celexia for me 20 mg.That was about 7 months ago. What a difference that made. Things just got better and better to the point of where I am decreasing dosage ,now 10 mg and hopefully weaning off them.
I began to feel slightly better in the first week and gradually the side effects wore off and my moods ,engery and control completely changed within about 2 weeks to a month. I even felt improvements in the second month. Dont be afraid ,you can beat it too. If you need to vent ,talk or just check in, Im here for you. We all are. You need never feel alone again in this struggle. Please post again and let us know how you are doing .
:) Mizzy

Hi Lilsad1,

You seem to be at the point I was at at the start of 2005. It sounds like you've coped for some time and finally it's catching up with you. Perhaps you've even tryed to deny it to yourself. I say that because, like you, I grew up with depression too and was insulted about it rather than helped with it. As a result I denied it until I just couldn't cope any longer.

Since you had depression from a young age is it possible it was hereditary? Mine was with a long history of it on my mother's side. Though she (my mother) was never diagnosed with depression in hindsight it's obvious she has it. Well perhaps if your mother had depression (diagnosed or not) she was feeling guilty, or even if it just ran down her side of the family.

Yes, the feelings you have right now are just how I felt when I had to stop working and face my depression. I don't feel like shaking people for smiling, I'm more the other way. I want to knock sense into my siblings for being stressed and treating others like crap because basically they (my siblings) are having to deal with lifes normal problems. One's just bought a new house, one's in the process of looking for a new house, one's just been given a promotion and a job in London. I'm soon to be losing my home and career and I still manage to pull a smile! :D

Finally I want to say that by coming here you're taking the first step in not allowing the depression to take over your life. It may not be the final step you'll be taking, but from personal experience of years of "coping" and/or denial I know it's a hard stepo to take.

Best wishes to you,
Charme

Thanks guys for replying and understanding.I wanted to first say I am not sure completely if anyone in my family truly suffers from depression.I do know my mom does NOT at all.Shes always so positive and happy and energetic and always so outgoing.I was always so jealous of her growing up still am I guess wishing I could always see the positive in all like she does.She could loose both arms and she would say at least I got my legs!(lol)I would be a mess crying in the floor.My dad and I didnt talk much growing up and he worked a lot and there just wasn't much between us but he too seemed very much like my mom just not as optimistic as she.I know most of the immediate relatives such as aunts and uncles and none suffer from anything like this and none come forward to say yeah as a kid or young teen I did suffer from this or that.And Iv'e ask.I am an only child and always walked around feeling like the black sheep of this family because we are so different.I have such outgoing and happy people in my family and I'm a mess and can't remember not ever feeling this way.My mom told me just last week after coming over to drop something off that she was going to stop coming over if I don't snap out of it and learn to smile more.I have to take deep breaths and walk off when she tells me things like that.If she only knew how badly I wish it were that easy.Do people think we like living like this?I have even had some so called friends tell me stop feeling sorry for youself.That one really hurts.I really don't see it that way.At least I don't think so.I do wish I could learn to be happy and feel like others but woulnd't say I want people to feel sorry for me.Anyway I do appreciate the comments and will take everything into consideration that was said.I have been for the first time seriously thinking about finding some help to talk with.But don't know where to start and have no health insurance,only one in the family who doesn't.So not sure how to handle that either.And I am scared of meds.I know thats silly but just know so little about the pro's and con's of anti deppressants.And I truly think that any proffessional will want me on them.How else do you treat someone with something that has been going on for so many years and never goes away.No matter how good life can be or how many people love me and are there for me I still feel alone.Ill stop rambling for now.(lol) I hope everyone has a good day.:wave:

Hi again Lil,

I'm surprised nobody else in your family has had depression, it would certainly explain why your mother acts the way she does. But unfortunately people do seem to act as if they think one enjoys being depressed. Just recently my twin brother (physically) attacked me because I'm depressed and supposedly not doing anything to help myself, and my eldest sister thinks I'm having the time of my life because I can no longer work because of my illness (no matter that I'm barely holding onto my career and home because of it). And as I grew up, though I hadn't been officially diagnosed it was still very obvious, I still had to suffer all the insults and accusations because of it. So you see people do act in just the ways they shouldn't be.

Not coming from the US I can't help you with what to do about seeking medical help. You might want to try alternative routes for the moment though. There are a number of supplements which can help (St Johns Wort, Evening Primrose Oil, SAMe, vits, fish oils w/ EPA [check the supplements board]), exercise (difficult with anxiety though), changing diet (cut out sugars, caffiene and more protein) and so on. I think these routes are more suitable for minor-medium depression though, and it sounds to me like you have medium-major depression. You may have some luck though, and some people claim these alternative methods work as well as ADs. Regardless I think it will make you feel more positive that you're trying to combat the depression, it did for me when I started.

Well I hope things start to look up for you soon.

Best,
Charme