Basically I was sexually abused when I was a little kid, raped on two different occasions about a year apart by two different strangers when I was 7-8. I never told a soul, I don't know why.

I'm 18 now, depressed, guilty, unable to trust others, angry at myself for not getting help, incapable of being in a relationship. I just feel so hollow and empty. I hardly talk to people, even my family and friends. I was so much happier when I was little, even after the abuse but I think puberty and high school kind of changed my perspective.

I don't want to be like this forever. I don't know how to face these issues and get help. What should I do? I don't think I could ever tell my parents, they'd feel so guilty. I want to be normal. I know it wasn't my fault because I was just a kid,but I never did anything to help myself.

So where do I start?

Molestation and Rape have so many things that people believe about them, those who were abused mainly. One, that it is your guilt or shame to carry. Two, that as a child you somehow should be able to play SuperKid and get this people convicted with a smile. Three, that not talking about it heals anything. I was raped by someone I loved and trusted with my life. The wounds are deep and though some of it is better they will never completely heal. You aren't alone. It wasn't your fault saying it and totally believing it are two different things. There are counselors who handle this field and can help you work through these issues. Though it is painful to bring up the incidents themselves it is also a part of the healing process. I would think that your parents though they might feel some responsibility for what happened (a parent deal). They can also be the support you need to start on the road to recovery. I think telling them what happened is very important but it is up to you. See if you can go through local Mental Health Clinics to see what services they might offer that would help you heal.
Emerald

I like a self help audio CD called Creative Visualization and another one called Self Matters by Dr. Phil. It helps to lighten my day. I think those audiobooks are powerful and positive stuff that could be helpful to you. I can imagine how stressful and hard it must be to be hurt like that at such a young age, or even at any age. Also sometimes I have to sleep with a bright light on near my head to prevent my mood from deflating at night. I've felt depressed, hollow, and believed that people rarely liked me my whole life and I've been to countless counselors (some were for free and with varying education degrees) and there hasn't been much positive results. That is why I do not go to counselors plus they charge too much for what you can get online, with an audio book, books, or by asking around. I think that I try to use my sense of humor along with being my own psychologist in order to best help me. I schedule fun activities, even if I have to go to the movie theater or concert alone, I will go and try to have fun.

Maybe there are some therapists who specialize in sexual abuse victimization. I would hope that you could find some therapists that believe in you, like you, respect you, and are eager to try interventions to help you feel great about your life and do great things.
Keep me updated.

Even just posting here and telling us about it is a huge step - good for you! A lot of people who are sexually abused do what you do - they keep it a secret and don't tell someone for a long time. Those feelings you are feeling are all normal.

It took me 10 years to finally tell someone. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life - but after I told someone, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. The liberation I felt was amazing, to know that such a huge burden was lifted off my back. Slowly, I started to heal and read a lot and talk to a couple other people. I realized that some of the things I believed regarding the sexual abuse were lies.

The first person I told was NOT my parents.....and when I did tell my parents, it was extremely hard. I'm sure they felt bad because they probably felt like they could have done something to prevent it. You should tell your parents.....when you're ready. It may take a while.

I had to do a lot of healing on my own. I really wish that I reached out more and got support from other survivors. I think that I will continue on this journey of healing for a while. Things are not perfect, but I am living a life that has a lot more empathy for others who are hurting, and I live a life with purpose and hope. I hope that you will find that too.

Feel free to PM me anytime.