kiya
07-08-2006, 01:42 PM
I posted in the Depression forum, but I have a feeling it could be more than depression...
I have known my boyfriend for 6 months. From the outset he was fairly open and honest about his past. He's not had a particularly good life - dad died when he was very young, brother was abusive, he was assaulted a few years back, he got married and divorced in his early 20s, his mum was ill for years during which he was her sole carer and she died earlier this year.
For a couple of months at the beginning of this year we had a normal relationship. We were friends and it progressed a little further. We clicked immediately, the kind of connection that can't be fully expressed in words. In mid-February he just disappeared. He'd phoned/emailed daily (sometimes even more than that) and suddenly nothing. I didn't know where he lived at the time and hadn't known him long enough to have met his family. I was beside myself with worry for days until he finally emailed to tell me he couldn't be in a relationship and that he hoped I had a good life (or words to that effect). It deeply distressed me because even when I replied to ask what the problem was, I got nothing. He had told me his mum was ill and I thought perhaps something had happened to her. It wasn't until the end of March when I heard she had died. I contacted him via email to express my condolences (not the way I would have liked but as I didn't know where he was, I hadn't a choice). Silence.
In May I emailed again because I'd just lost my grandmother and perhaps because he could see I empathised with his pain or because he was beginning to come to terms with his mum's death, he contacted me. Two days later he wrote again to say how much he'd missed me. I was reluctant to start a relationship with him again because despite what he had gone through (and that obviously this was far greater than what I had gone through), I had been so desperately hurt by him. I left it a few weeks before agreeing to meet. When we were reunited it was like we'd never been apart. He started to open up to me about his family, how he was coping/not coping with his mum's death, grief, anger, everything... Our relationship was going very well, very open and honest and I felt that he was beginning to sound more positive about the future.
This last week he had an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss how he coped with the assault and also with his mum's death. I tried to phone him the evening of that day but no reply. It worried me a lot but he sent a text indicating he would phone me the following day.
When he phoned he seemed a completely different person. He said he felt old and empty, tired, that nothing mattered anymore except him and his son. He kept telling me he was sorry and that he knew he was hurting me, but that I don't know him at all and that his whole life has been wrecked by him and he's wrecked the lives of those around him. That everything has gone wrong. I couldn't reason with him, it was like hitting my head against a brick wall. I got upset and angry that he was rejecting me again, even whilst knowing it was his illness talking. I tried to remain calm but couldn't. I was so angry at the psychiatrist for leaving him in such a mess. Angry at his GP for arranging a meeting. I told him I'd come to see him but he flat out refused.
At the same time his son is having problems with his mum, so he's moved in with his dad. My boyfriend (or ex now I guess) said his son's problems are his fault too. He's blaming himself for everything. A lot of what he said was frightening because it was irrational.
I seriously don't know what to do. I can't seem to get through to him. He doesn't see my pain at all and has withdrawn again, just him and his son into their own space. I feel lost, hurt and rejected. But at the same time so so worried about him and how he is. I don't know whether it's grief or depression or other mental illness or a combination. All I know is that I love him very much. I want to be able to take his pain away but know that I probably can't. I want to be able to help and support him, but he won't let me.
What on earth can I do?
I have known my boyfriend for 6 months. From the outset he was fairly open and honest about his past. He's not had a particularly good life - dad died when he was very young, brother was abusive, he was assaulted a few years back, he got married and divorced in his early 20s, his mum was ill for years during which he was her sole carer and she died earlier this year.
For a couple of months at the beginning of this year we had a normal relationship. We were friends and it progressed a little further. We clicked immediately, the kind of connection that can't be fully expressed in words. In mid-February he just disappeared. He'd phoned/emailed daily (sometimes even more than that) and suddenly nothing. I didn't know where he lived at the time and hadn't known him long enough to have met his family. I was beside myself with worry for days until he finally emailed to tell me he couldn't be in a relationship and that he hoped I had a good life (or words to that effect). It deeply distressed me because even when I replied to ask what the problem was, I got nothing. He had told me his mum was ill and I thought perhaps something had happened to her. It wasn't until the end of March when I heard she had died. I contacted him via email to express my condolences (not the way I would have liked but as I didn't know where he was, I hadn't a choice). Silence.
In May I emailed again because I'd just lost my grandmother and perhaps because he could see I empathised with his pain or because he was beginning to come to terms with his mum's death, he contacted me. Two days later he wrote again to say how much he'd missed me. I was reluctant to start a relationship with him again because despite what he had gone through (and that obviously this was far greater than what I had gone through), I had been so desperately hurt by him. I left it a few weeks before agreeing to meet. When we were reunited it was like we'd never been apart. He started to open up to me about his family, how he was coping/not coping with his mum's death, grief, anger, everything... Our relationship was going very well, very open and honest and I felt that he was beginning to sound more positive about the future.
This last week he had an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss how he coped with the assault and also with his mum's death. I tried to phone him the evening of that day but no reply. It worried me a lot but he sent a text indicating he would phone me the following day.
When he phoned he seemed a completely different person. He said he felt old and empty, tired, that nothing mattered anymore except him and his son. He kept telling me he was sorry and that he knew he was hurting me, but that I don't know him at all and that his whole life has been wrecked by him and he's wrecked the lives of those around him. That everything has gone wrong. I couldn't reason with him, it was like hitting my head against a brick wall. I got upset and angry that he was rejecting me again, even whilst knowing it was his illness talking. I tried to remain calm but couldn't. I was so angry at the psychiatrist for leaving him in such a mess. Angry at his GP for arranging a meeting. I told him I'd come to see him but he flat out refused.
At the same time his son is having problems with his mum, so he's moved in with his dad. My boyfriend (or ex now I guess) said his son's problems are his fault too. He's blaming himself for everything. A lot of what he said was frightening because it was irrational.
I seriously don't know what to do. I can't seem to get through to him. He doesn't see my pain at all and has withdrawn again, just him and his son into their own space. I feel lost, hurt and rejected. But at the same time so so worried about him and how he is. I don't know whether it's grief or depression or other mental illness or a combination. All I know is that I love him very much. I want to be able to take his pain away but know that I probably can't. I want to be able to help and support him, but he won't let me.
What on earth can I do?