Hey, there! Very green, I wanted to answer your questions you had about this subject before. I also wanted to start this one because this is a real problem for many of us, I'm sorry to say! :eek: Very green, I have been (and still am) right where you are right now! My husband has told me in the past (and even now) that all his problems are MY fault. He has told me that this marriage is OVER with, he has told me over & over that he does NOT love me or our child--that all he cares about is himself. He has told me that he wants a divorce and he doesn't want anything to do with our little boy. You name any hurtful, abusive comments one can say to you--I have heard it! I used to shake all over and be a basket case! I used to think maybe he's right! Maybe it is all my fault--maybe I'm dog doo-doo! Well, well,well!!! I DO NOT accept or believe that load of crap anymore!!! That IS NOT true, not at all. NOW I know that all that crap came from this illness called Bipolar and it has NOTHING to do with me or our sweet little boy!!! That is the first and most healthy realization you can come to if you're involved with a BP person. This has come with many hurtful,tearful sessions in counseling. (by myself) I also have a strong faith in GOD which gets me thru anything! Without Him, I would be in a mental health hospital, myself. I also KNOW that I will NOT live like this forever! I tell myself this all the time. I'm going back to work this fall and then go from there. If my husband continues to live this way, without taking the meds. and making a choice to remain very sick, I will do what I must do. Anyone else here have any ideas? :dizzy:

Hi, Kym:wave: They say that living with somebody who is Bipolar and not medicated is "pure" hell!! And believe me I have been in the midst of it for sometime now with my daughter.:eek: I live with the hope that they will find the right meds and stabilize her which I know realistically will take some time. But the thing is we as family members love them unconditionally.....even after the horrible things are said & done to us we still are able to love them because we know that it is not them it is the illness that causes them to do the things they do or say the things they say. If we remember that then it makes it easier to bear. However, in your case when there is help and your loved one refuses it I really don't know what I would advise. Perhaps others here would further advise you on that.

I know that it is far easier said than done but it is so important that you take care of yourself and your son's needs. I am trying to do this myself and I do know how difficult it is to take care of yourself and the one that is unmedicated. But you MUST!!! From reading your posts I can see how hard it must be to do this but perhaps calling in the help of one of your husband's family members or friends to help take some of the pressure of this all off of you???

Also, there must be some type of support group for family members of those with BP near you.......perhaps calling your local psych hospital or pdoc's office will line you up with that. I am going to look into that myself because nobody knows what it's like other than another walking in your two shoes.;)

And of course there is coming here......there is tons of support here which I know you know already.:angel:

Keep your chin up and try really try to do something special for you & your son. Go to the park and to the library for some mother-son time. And try to get yourself something special too.....even if it is a new lotion to put on after a bubble bath. You need to do this and remember that you ARE a special person and God knew that you would be the one who would help your husband get through this. I am also strong in faith and I know that if it weren't for that I wouldn't have been able to get through all of this either.

(((HUGS))) & prayers ~ Goody:angel:

It's not your fault....
whatever his reasons......he is abusing you and your son.
you need to take care of you and your child, your husband is a grown man.....let him fend for himself.
Abuse is abuse.....nevermind if someone is sick...that doesn't give them the right to treat you like that

and before everyone jumps on me about this.....(he's sick, blah blah blah,
would you say this if he had cancer, blah blah blah)

YOU might be able to reconcile this in your mind (he does this because he's sick, etc).....

YOUR SON WILL NOT BE ABLE TO......the longer you expose your child to him, the more damage he will do to him.

Hey there, Goody & Rose! Thanks for your input! Goody--I'm going to call around today and look into a good support group--that's an excellent idea! I'm also going to continue going to my counseling Appts. and take good care of myself & my son. My son & I spend tons of time together as I am a stay at home Mom (not much longer--I'm gonna get a job when he goes back to school this fall) My son & I love to spend time together and this age is fun. He's almost 7 yrs. old. He's the bright spot in my life and I love him to pieces! God has really blessed me with him. Rose-- I totally understand your words of wisdom and I have to agree with you. I'm going back to work soon so after I do that, I can make some choices as to what I am going to do. (With MY life & my son's.) As far as loving my husband...it's hard to say that I do. I know that sounds mean to some of you but he has hurt me so many times that I'm not sure HOW I really feel about him. I know that I would support him 100% IF he were to get the help he needs. This whole thing has been going on for yrs. now and he has refused help so many times that you can only put with that for so long. :rolleyes: He is on meds. right now--but they are not working. Also, his PDOC has told him MANY times he needs counseling and he sayes he doesn't--I do! :dizzy: He just got another new med. from the PDOC last wek and has not started it yet. I think he's still in denial and just doesn't want to get better. He has made a choice many times NOT to get the help he needs. We'll see as time marches on!

I know exactly what you mean Kym (about not being sure you love him), because I was married to an unmedicated bi-polar for 10 years and after a while when they verbally abuse you and say mean things intentionally to hurt you, it starts to numb your feelings.

Rose, did you file for divorce? What happened between you to end the marriage? If you don't mind me asking...Kym

Kym - I was a different person back then. I wasn't as strong as I am now. I think I may have been co-dependent. I was afraid to be alone, afraid of losing him, so I tolerated abuse for longer than I should have. He filed for divorce after he left me. I also wanted to work it out, I loved him. He wanted a child, and I knew that if I had a child I would leave him because I didn't think a child should grow up thinking that is how you treat people. He kept threatening to divorce me if I didn't have a child. So we were basically deadlocked, but I stood my ground. I knew the marriage wasn't stable and I would end up being a single parent if I had a child. So after 10 years of marriage and about 8 years of him threatening to leave me, one day he made good on his word. He didn't really want to leave me. He was bluffing and hoping I would beg him to come back and "give him his child" (as he put it). Only thing is, I called his bluff. I still wasn't willing to have a child. I never wanted the marriage to end, and I never initiated the divorce. But once he left me, it was over as far as I was concerned. I wasn't going to be manipulated by him......(he would come back, if I would give him a child). I never thought (and still don't think) that a child can fix/save a marriage.
So that's where I'm coming from. I know dealing with your husband like this is bad enough, but dragging a kid through this is even worse. I'm on your side. You sound like a smart lady, who's got a plan. Stick to it!
:angel:

Rose, thanks for sharing your life story with me! I can understand why you didn't want to bring a child into your marriage&the illness. That was very smart on your end and I give you a big congrats on thinking about your future child instead of your husband's selfish wants. When you have a child, the whole marriage changes and the focus needs to be on the child. I didn't know or even have a clue that my husband was bipolar when we had a child. What is weird is that we had a good marriage for a few yrs. before we had the baby. As he has aged, things have changes--big time. He is NOT the same man I married. At least, in the past, when he was told that he had depression, he got the the right meds. and for awhile things seemed good. Then we had the baby and everything was changed. I often think that if this is the only good thing that comes out of this marriage (my son) then so be it. I love my son and I would not change a thing in the past because I have him! I've had 'talks' with my husband from time to time about his relationship with our son and i've told him he will regret the time he is losing with him because of his illness & not getting the proper help. My husband is in such denial. He just blows our son off so much--it hurts me deeply. :( One day, it will be up to my son what he chooses to have with his Dad. Maybe it will be nothing...it's hard to say. Thanks for listening.:angel: Kym.

Thankyou for posting this thread Kym. I hear what you say, and it fits how I feel, and my life situation. He has sent me an e-mail at work today, which hasn't said he wants to end it, just that he feels he isn't winning the fight. I don't know what to do anymore, or how I can better support him. I don't know how to help him see this is a problem that will never go away, regardless of whether he is with me or not. How do I help him realise what he needs to do (med wise)? AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Thankyou again for your words and support.

TTFN :wave: