I'm 23 and graduated from college last year. I have a steady job and a supportive boyfriend. Growing up, I had a lot of stressors - a parent with a chronic illness, unemployed parents, moving around a lot. When I was younger, I kept getting head lice. After they were gone, I went through a phase of pulling out my hair to check for the buggers. Since then, I've had ruminations about death, my sexuality, my family, my future. For about three or four years, I would do my homework, think a letter didn't look right and start all over again. Sometimes it would take me five, six hours to do homework for one class. I would ask my teachers for white-out so often that they eventually just gave their bottles to me.

I've dealt with depression for as long as I can recall. I was a straight-A student all through school and didn't have many friends because we moved around so much. Plus, I didn't want to go through the trauma of getting to know someone, leave them and never hear from them again. When I got to college, I decided to go to the student health center and get some help. They gave me free samples of Effexor, then Zoloft. But I wanted a real diagnosis, so I got in to see the mental health doctor there, who said I had dysthymia. He gave me Prozac, but the pills were going to cost me $60, so I stopped taking them. The financial pressure and the stigma of being on pills didn't sit well with me. Plus, I grew up in a "pull up your bootstraps and keep going" kind of family.

At the end of college, I was doing OK. I finally started to make some friends, and my best friend and I began dating. Then I went off to an internship far away from my college friends and family. I was sick for weeks, and one of my parents got laid off again. A lot of my friends stayed on campus after graduation, and they all were having so much fun. Plus, I was burned out from working so hard to get through school. I got extremely homesick, especially after my internship was extended and I realized I might not be going back home for a long time. My boyfriend and I moved in together, which helped some. But I was ruminating very heavily from the time I woke up until the time I fell asleep. The tapeloops wouldn't stop. Also, I wasn't very committed to what I was doing on the internship. And then I was hired at another organization, the job being very similar to my internship. Still, a steady job was something I couldn't pass up, given my childhood and the circumstances in which I was raised. So my boyfriend and I moved, and I began my job.

I was actually quite excited to start the job because I thought so many of my problems on the internship were related to the fact that I was isolated from my family and friends. I'm still far from my parents and siblings, but I'm closer to extended family here. I've visited them a couple of times. I've met up with old classmates I hadn't seen in years. But I lack friendships here (due to work hours, past disappointments, etc.), I miss college and being home, and I'm still wondering if the profession I chose is the right one. Plus, my ruminations started up again, and once they started to make me doubt if I loved my boyfriend, I reached the breaking point. On Valentine's Day, I tried on an engagement ring with him there, felt a slight tinge of nervousness, and then it snowballed into a full-blown "you don't love him" scenario. I decided I'd had enough because I was tired of always doubting myself and checking my reactions, so I went to a psychologist. In our first meeting, he said he thought I was bipolar. I stayed up late in college to get work done, but now I get eight hours of sleep. It's just not normal, perhaps, because I work the swing shift, and I stay up late to unwind. I explained my schedule to him, but he kept fixating on the lack of sleep I got in college.

Anyway, I told him I thought I might have OCD. He doubted it, but he offered to put me on Celexa. I decided to put my fears aside and to take the prescription. But the pills didn't do much. Then he put me on Zoloft, which I'm on now. Again, it's not doing much. I went back the other day, and he asked me about the initial bipolar diagnosis. He then said he could up my Zoloft dose or put me on Depakote, which he preferred. I wanted him to shut up, so I begrudgingly agreed to the Depakote. It's been three days since I got the prescription, but I can't bring myself to take it. I feel like this bipolar diagnosis has been thrust upon me, and I don't think it fits. I've never been manic. I control my spending. I don't do anything excessively. I hit bottom with crying spells every once in while, but mostly I just feel like I'm drifting along every day. The ruminations don't help, either.

I've come here to seek help from those who have been through the diagnoses, the constant trial and error of medications. Some insight would be really appreciated right now. I'm not sure what to do.

Purple71,

I'm sorry that you are going through what you are going through. I don't have Bi Polar myself - but my husband has been diagnosed with it in the last several months. I feel like I have lived through it with him. I have doubted very much over the last several months whether or not his diagnosis was accurate. His symptoms did not seem to fit the classic manic/depressive symptoms we all think about. He's never been manic to the degree that he stays up for days running at 90 miles an hour. But even when his diagnosis was depression (his doc thinks the depression changed to bp over the last year), he has always had trouble sleeping.

I am learning that there are a wide range of bp symptoms - it doesn't seem to effect everyone in the same way.

It usually takes awhile for my husband's doc to get him up to a theraputic dosage of any med. Until then, we don't see big over-the-night changes. You may just need to give your meds more time to work. Also, maybe try a daily exercise routine. Daily exercise has been shown in studies to be just as effective as Zoloft in treating depression. If you are concerned about meds, maybe watching your diet and getting plenty of exercise would help you. At any rate, I would definately look around until you find a doc that you feel very comfortable with. The right doc can make all the difference in your treatment. Don't settle for a less than average doc - this is too important.

I hope my ramblings help you a little. Like I said, I am not BiPolar, I just live with someone who is. These are just suggestions from my observations.

Lelore