I Love Bill
07-11-2006, 01:42 PM
My husband and I just found out he had Bipolar disorder this last Spring. Bill has been out of work now for over 1 year and 1/2 due to a back condition. Bill used to be a fabricator at an industrial steel shop. This is the second time Bill was out of work due to his back and this time the doctors told him he better find a new line of work or he could be permantly injured. Surgery was risky and would still require him to find a new line of work. We luckily had a privated short term disability policy we had taken out. I do not know how many times I thought about canceling that policy thinking it was too much money. Thank God I didn't because it is now half way supporting us. Our policy has a retraining benefit and so we decided to take advantage of it. Bill had dropped out of high school his senior year so we had to take care of getting a GED first. Bill had to retake the test twice but finally received his GED. We were so proud of him. Ever since he dropped out Bill had thought about getting one but would always back out at the last minute. We then enrolled Bill in college to persue a CAD career in structured steel. We were sure this would be a positive choice since Bill was used to blueprint reading. Immediately Bill had trouble with the computer courses and Algebra. We hired a tutor who would help during the session. When Bill was on his own the information was too jumbled up. Bill dropped the Algebra and passes the computer class with a C mostly for participation. The second semester proved to be a complete failure. Bill couldn't follow the drafting class at all and the second English class intimidated him. Bill ended up dropping out alltogether. We sought help through our regular M.D. to see if maybe Bill had ADHD. Bill had all kinds of symptons and had had his entire life. The nurse put him on Ritilan. Bill tried this one day and felt like he had taken cocaine. Bill said the need to want more was so strong and luckily was able to walk away from it. Bill was also currently taking prozac and xanax for anxiety and panic disorder which had been diagnosed when he was a teenager. Bill's prozac was increased from 20mg to 40mg due to increased depression over being off work and not being able to keep up with school.
Bill started taking more of the xanax than prescribed trying to keep that sedated feeling. I explained this to the nurse and she immediately referred us to the Mental Health Department. Bill was evaluated and still was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. The prozac was increased to 60mg and xanax to 2mg twice daily as needed. I didn't know it but Bill had reached a high of 6 1mg tablets of xanax per day. Don't ask me how he was able to get this many pills because I still don't know. I found out Bill was having major trouble when my bank showed a paticular amound being debited from our account at around midnight every night for over two weeks. I called an was told this was at a McDonalds over 30 minutes away from our house. When I questioned Bill he truly did not remember going. He said it was fuzzy at best. Bill also decided to relandscape part of our yard and once he had dug it up just gave up on what to do with it. Some nights he was out at 3 in the morning digging. We went back to the Phsychiatrist and then Bill was finally diagnosed with Bipolar I. The doctor took him off the prozac all at once and put him on Risperidal 3mg. per day and then up to 6 mg. per day. I had to take his xanax and control the amount he was taking. I still currently keep his medications. To make a long story short Since April we have visited the hospital three times. We now have a new person prescribing medicine since last week. Bill is now on lamactil, risperidal,xanax and lexipro. I think he is starting to improve a little but he still is so paranoid about dying. Anytime he hears about someone having a heart attack or dying he worries so much that he imagines it being him with the problem. I can't motivate Bill to do anything. We just lost our Great Dane about one month ago to old age. I adopted another dog from a shelter thinking it would give Bill some responsibility while I am at work. Bill says the dog makes him too nervous and spends most of his time sitting in his recliner. Everythin is an effort right now with Bill. We are having a hard time making it on my salary and Bill's disability. If I work anymore than I am though we will lose the medical insurance Bill needs to get treatment. I wonder if Bill will ever be able to go back to work. Ever since we were married all I have ever tried to do is keep Bill happy and nothing has ever worked. At least we know there is a reason. We have a very solid relationship and I can never imagine being apart from him. I just want Bill to be productive again and feel a sense of accomplishment instead of being stuck. I need suggestions from anyone who can help Bill and me through these first stages of this.
Bill started taking more of the xanax than prescribed trying to keep that sedated feeling. I explained this to the nurse and she immediately referred us to the Mental Health Department. Bill was evaluated and still was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. The prozac was increased to 60mg and xanax to 2mg twice daily as needed. I didn't know it but Bill had reached a high of 6 1mg tablets of xanax per day. Don't ask me how he was able to get this many pills because I still don't know. I found out Bill was having major trouble when my bank showed a paticular amound being debited from our account at around midnight every night for over two weeks. I called an was told this was at a McDonalds over 30 minutes away from our house. When I questioned Bill he truly did not remember going. He said it was fuzzy at best. Bill also decided to relandscape part of our yard and once he had dug it up just gave up on what to do with it. Some nights he was out at 3 in the morning digging. We went back to the Phsychiatrist and then Bill was finally diagnosed with Bipolar I. The doctor took him off the prozac all at once and put him on Risperidal 3mg. per day and then up to 6 mg. per day. I had to take his xanax and control the amount he was taking. I still currently keep his medications. To make a long story short Since April we have visited the hospital three times. We now have a new person prescribing medicine since last week. Bill is now on lamactil, risperidal,xanax and lexipro. I think he is starting to improve a little but he still is so paranoid about dying. Anytime he hears about someone having a heart attack or dying he worries so much that he imagines it being him with the problem. I can't motivate Bill to do anything. We just lost our Great Dane about one month ago to old age. I adopted another dog from a shelter thinking it would give Bill some responsibility while I am at work. Bill says the dog makes him too nervous and spends most of his time sitting in his recliner. Everythin is an effort right now with Bill. We are having a hard time making it on my salary and Bill's disability. If I work anymore than I am though we will lose the medical insurance Bill needs to get treatment. I wonder if Bill will ever be able to go back to work. Ever since we were married all I have ever tried to do is keep Bill happy and nothing has ever worked. At least we know there is a reason. We have a very solid relationship and I can never imagine being apart from him. I just want Bill to be productive again and feel a sense of accomplishment instead of being stuck. I need suggestions from anyone who can help Bill and me through these first stages of this.
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MillaRose
07-11-2006, 02:13 PM
HI :)
Reading you entry made me think of the group where i met my boyfriend over a year ago. i think your husband would benefit alot from it. Alot of the people there had recently been in hospital due to mental illness and were given the option to be part of a 15 week program. Basically you just had to show up and its a very safe environment. It was 9:30 am to 3:30pm with free luch provided. The group iotslef took place on a floor of a Hospital downtown but we were no longer patients. We were given free meal vouchers for lunch. But we also cooked a meal once a week. We had chores like watering the plants etc.alot of people didd't feel comfortable at first taking part in the discussions but it was amazing to see the differrence after the program was over. People smiling and laughing and there was light back in their eyes.It definetly brought me and my boyfreind back to life. The program is run by Two nurses and one Occupational Therapist. We also were given bus passes to get to and form. Just getting out of the house at first and having somewhere to be makes you feel so much better.
I hope theres some type of program in your area like that. It doesn't hurt to check it out :angel:
Reading you entry made me think of the group where i met my boyfriend over a year ago. i think your husband would benefit alot from it. Alot of the people there had recently been in hospital due to mental illness and were given the option to be part of a 15 week program. Basically you just had to show up and its a very safe environment. It was 9:30 am to 3:30pm with free luch provided. The group iotslef took place on a floor of a Hospital downtown but we were no longer patients. We were given free meal vouchers for lunch. But we also cooked a meal once a week. We had chores like watering the plants etc.alot of people didd't feel comfortable at first taking part in the discussions but it was amazing to see the differrence after the program was over. People smiling and laughing and there was light back in their eyes.It definetly brought me and my boyfreind back to life. The program is run by Two nurses and one Occupational Therapist. We also were given bus passes to get to and form. Just getting out of the house at first and having somewhere to be makes you feel so much better.
I hope theres some type of program in your area like that. It doesn't hurt to check it out :angel:
Lelore
07-11-2006, 11:45 PM
I am going through a very similar situation with my husband. He was diagnosed bipolar in Feb. He is also having trouble doing anything productive. He is on sick leave from work, which will run out in 5 months.
He is also extremely paranoid. He doesn't think that he will die, he just thinks he is going to jail. When you ask him what crime he has committed, he can't really explain. He is very nervous and anxious and can not sit still. He is doing things in a repetitve manner (i.e. repeating quesitons, taking things out of his pockets, etc...) He's a smoker and has been forever, but he keeps burning his lips by putting the cigar in his mouth lit end first.
It's very hard to watch this happen. My husband is also on Xanax - although not as high a dose as your husband. We are weaning him off of Xanax because I have read that a side effect can be "extreme confusion". Another side effect is yellowing of the eyes. My husband has had this also, but we thought at the time it was due to the fact that he was dehydrated and was in the hospital being treated for it.
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to offer you - just the knowledge that you aren't alone. If you ever want to compare stories or just vent together, I'll be here. I'm having a hard time going from wife/partner to care giver/almost mother. I miss my husband and miss having someone to talk too. Hopefully, the medications will kick in soon.
Lelore:wave:
He is also extremely paranoid. He doesn't think that he will die, he just thinks he is going to jail. When you ask him what crime he has committed, he can't really explain. He is very nervous and anxious and can not sit still. He is doing things in a repetitve manner (i.e. repeating quesitons, taking things out of his pockets, etc...) He's a smoker and has been forever, but he keeps burning his lips by putting the cigar in his mouth lit end first.
It's very hard to watch this happen. My husband is also on Xanax - although not as high a dose as your husband. We are weaning him off of Xanax because I have read that a side effect can be "extreme confusion". Another side effect is yellowing of the eyes. My husband has had this also, but we thought at the time it was due to the fact that he was dehydrated and was in the hospital being treated for it.
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to offer you - just the knowledge that you aren't alone. If you ever want to compare stories or just vent together, I'll be here. I'm having a hard time going from wife/partner to care giver/almost mother. I miss my husband and miss having someone to talk too. Hopefully, the medications will kick in soon.
Lelore:wave:
stressed319
07-12-2006, 12:03 AM
I give you guys a lot of credit for sticking by your husbands with bipolar disorder. I was married to my first husband 23 years ago when I had just turned 20. If I knew then what I know now I might not have been so terrified and been able to help him more. Even though we have been divorced for the past 19 years we still are friends (family) because of our kids. He has never remarried and I try to include him in all holidays and special family activities. In my experience even with all the medications and therapy he will never be the man both of us wish he could be. He's been through rehabs for substance abuse, he's gone to mental health counseling and belongs to several mental health daily programs and still he has trouble getting through the day. I must say the day programs have helped him immensely and would recomend them to everyone. If your husbands can't return to work (and many don't) it will give them a purpose in their day. It will also give them a chance to meet others going through the same thing. You might try to find a support group for yourself as well as this situation becomes rather isolating. There is no easy fix for this I wish you much luck. Stay strong!
mudhound
07-12-2006, 07:52 AM
I was there a few years ago. My wife has BP. By the way, Welcome to the boards!
Find a local support group for yourself. You will need it. Stay here on this board. There are plenty of folks here that disire to help.
Find a local support group for yourself. You will need it. Stay here on this board. There are plenty of folks here that disire to help.
I Love Bill
07-12-2006, 10:16 AM
Thank you to everyone who responded to my cry for help. Bill will be starting a coping class on July 20 before his counseling session. I hope this will help him learn how to cope. Unfortunately on Sunday, July 9 Bill's Grandpa had a heart attack. Luckily he did survive but all Bill can worry about is the genetic predispositon to heart attacks and how this may effect him. Bill hasn't even felt the need to see his Grandpa in the hospital but instead sits and worries about dying by a heart attack. All this stress causes him to look for comfort food which is the real culprit in heart attacks. It is like a viscious cycle. I try to do devotions from the Bible with him but I just see a very lost and confused looke in his eyes. I know nothing is impossible with God but I can't help but wonder if a person can be unreachable if they are not mentally well. I miss my husband also. I am a mother to him now most of all. Even this morning I went to take a shower for work. I asked Bill to let the dog in when he was ready and make sure to wipe him off because of the dew from the grass. I got out of the shower and Bill was asleep again on the couch. The dog was soaking wet because he likes to play in his water outside. Bill just let him in. When I said something about the dog being wet, Bill acted like he didn't even notice. Either he really didn't or he just doesn't care. I have to believe it is the first so I can sympathies with him and not be mad. I do need a support group but I will have to start with this. I have a husband, three kids, and a dog to take care of and I work. I have a hard time leaving Bill right now because I can't trust his actions or reactions right now. Thanks again for responding. I do have friends and family who care but they do not understand this. I can't really talk to them either because I am afraid of making Bill look bad and I don't want to do that to him.
goody2shuz
07-12-2006, 10:42 AM
Of course Bill is not bad.....he is afflicted with a disorder which affects his overall behavior but he certainly is not bad. I do truly understand your concerns about what others may think, however, family and friends should eventually come around....the more you inform them of your knowledge of the disorder and how much you see the positive in Bill despite the disorder the more they will be able to so as well.
Right now you are facing alot and in order to be your best for Bill you need to find support and respite for yourself. Perhaps looking for a day program WILL help.....I am sure that Bill's benefits should cover it. Also, I would recommend seeking support for yourself by calling his doctor's office and see what they might know about support for loved ones of those that have Bipolar.
Coming here is a great start.....you are not alone and many of us here know that living with somebody who is Bipolar is somewhat challenging, however, it takes a really special person to love the person enough to see what is the disorder and what is the person we love despite having the disorder.
I also think that with time and being proactive you can seek further stabilization for your husband. It takes years, from what I am learning here, to find the right meds.....you need to communicate as best you can to Bill's pdoc that he needs further stabilizing. Write down his behaviors and keep a careful track record of them. This will allow the pdoc the ability to tweek his meds or make the necessary changes in order to find the right combo that will relieve Bill's anxiety and fear of death as well as treat his overall symptoms of Bipolar.
We are here.....I know for me knowing that I am not alone makes a world of difference in being able to best help my dauhgters. I think you will find peace in knowing that too.
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel:
Right now you are facing alot and in order to be your best for Bill you need to find support and respite for yourself. Perhaps looking for a day program WILL help.....I am sure that Bill's benefits should cover it. Also, I would recommend seeking support for yourself by calling his doctor's office and see what they might know about support for loved ones of those that have Bipolar.
Coming here is a great start.....you are not alone and many of us here know that living with somebody who is Bipolar is somewhat challenging, however, it takes a really special person to love the person enough to see what is the disorder and what is the person we love despite having the disorder.
I also think that with time and being proactive you can seek further stabilization for your husband. It takes years, from what I am learning here, to find the right meds.....you need to communicate as best you can to Bill's pdoc that he needs further stabilizing. Write down his behaviors and keep a careful track record of them. This will allow the pdoc the ability to tweek his meds or make the necessary changes in order to find the right combo that will relieve Bill's anxiety and fear of death as well as treat his overall symptoms of Bipolar.
We are here.....I know for me knowing that I am not alone makes a world of difference in being able to best help my dauhgters. I think you will find peace in knowing that too.
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel:
I Love Bill
07-12-2006, 12:24 PM
Bill just came up to my office and seemed a little better than this morning. We talked about the dog again and Bill admitted he guessed he was just being lazy and really wasn't paying attention that much to my request to dry the dog before letting him in. I have to work really hard to lower my expectations with Bill so I can remain calm and supportive. I am sorry your daughter has bipolar. It is hard enough to have a husband with it let alone having one of your children diagnosed with it. I do however think your daughter is very lucky that you are helping her. Bill did have this as a teenager and had no help at all. Bill's mom has bipolar also so whe was unable to deal with Bill's problems when he needed her. Bill's dad was always working shift work and never got involved in raising the kids. I have two thirteen year olds which have started the regular teen withdrawel, leave me alone, I don't need you stuff. I cannot imagine if there were more problems on top of the norm. I am just trying my best to keep Bill's condition from affecting them. I already see them looking at him weirdly when they see him lying down all the time.
tamara29
07-12-2006, 12:27 PM
I am right where you are now, except that DH was just diagnosed last month. He isn't working right now either, and we are waiting for his short term disability to be approved. He is also paranoid. He thinks everyone is out to get him. He thinks God is out to get him. And, he constantly worries about everything.
It is so HARD to be a spouse to someone with this disorder. Each day, I wake up and wonder what will happen next. Is he going to be depressed or angry? When will he be stable? When can we be a family again? Right now, I, too, feel like a mother to him. I have to remind him to take his meds. I have to make to-do lists for him. I have to gently remind him of things without trying to be a nag, because that will set him off. I'm really getting tired of walking on eggshells.
But, I know my marriage is worth working on. I have also kept things hidden from my family to try to keep my husband from looking bad, but I've started talking about it a little at a time. It has gotten easier, but it's still embarassing for me.
It is so HARD to be a spouse to someone with this disorder. Each day, I wake up and wonder what will happen next. Is he going to be depressed or angry? When will he be stable? When can we be a family again? Right now, I, too, feel like a mother to him. I have to remind him to take his meds. I have to make to-do lists for him. I have to gently remind him of things without trying to be a nag, because that will set him off. I'm really getting tired of walking on eggshells.
But, I know my marriage is worth working on. I have also kept things hidden from my family to try to keep my husband from looking bad, but I've started talking about it a little at a time. It has gotten easier, but it's still embarassing for me.
I Love Bill
07-12-2006, 01:16 PM
I know what it is like to walk on eggshells. I think we just need to be prepared for anything. I have people in place to watch the kids if there should be another emergancy room visit. The only thing I have told the kids is that Bill has a mood disorder and has to take medicine. I told them how difficult it is to regulate the moods at first and when he went to the ER all three times it was due to an imbalance in his medicine. Bill's temper is alot better since he started on the Risperidal. He used to just snap for no reason and I would have to especially intervene between our son and him. Our son has a tendancy to talk back and just aggrevates Bill to want to knock the crap out of him. I will not allow this but it does make me nervous when I am not there. I just pray Bill can keep it under control. The heart attack his Grandpa just had has set the temper off again though. I feel like a referee so often sending everyone to their corners. I know Bill doesn't want to feel this way. I can say that we have gotten through troubled times our whole marriage and yes it is worth everything to try to work things out and honor our vows which say in sickness and health. I know Bill would be right by my side no matter what. I hope you can stay strong. I do have a little sigh of relief knowing there is a real condition behind all of his behaviors. I used to have to pray that no male telemarketers would call for me. Bill used to just get so jealous and paranoid that I was cheating on him. One time a telemarketer called and asked for me by my first name only. When Bill asked who it was the person just said "A friend". This incident put us right into marriage counseling. We have overcome the jealousy issue. Now it is just a neediness issue which is alot easier to deal with than jealousy.
Lelore
07-12-2006, 11:40 PM
I hid everything fairly well from my family until the need arose to hospitalize my husband. I had to call my mother at that point because I needed help with my kids. My family knew that my husband suffered from depression but did not know that his diagnosis had changed to bipolar or that we were going through another episode. My family doesn't really understand any mental illness. They try to be supportive, but it is looked upon as a flaw of some sort.
I am just so tired. I am going to have to ask my boss tomorrow to reduce some of my responsibilities at work because I can not manage everything the way that I should. It is not fair to the people who report to me to keep me in that role. I am not sure what she will say. She has been extremely supportive up until this point.
I took my son for his 6th grade physical today. I was asking his doctor about the safety of his ADD medication. (I just have this nagging thought in the back of mind that being on antidepressants and anti-psychotic medications for 20+ years has fried my husband's mind). I had to explain the reasons why I was asking. The doctor said - in front of my son - that having a parent who is bipolar means that the child would have a 30% chance of having the same or similar illness. That pretty much bummed out my son. I talked with him and my daughter tonight and tried to stress to them the importance of letting me know if they ever felt sad for no reason or whatever. How do you explain this stuff to an 11 and 8 year old?
It is so unfair for everyone. My husband realizes that he is not well and that he is putting a strain on everyone. He doesn't understand why I won't let him stay home by himself, with the kids alone, drive his car, or give him the check book. I feel so bad even though I know it is for his benefit. He sees his doctor tomorrow. I hope we can get some answers.
It really is a big relief to know that there are other people out there in my situation. I have so many people looking at me with pity and saying "let me know if you need anything" but they don't have a clue what I'm going through. I live in a very small town and to my knowledge there is no support group for loved ones of bipolar or mentally ill people. I am not aware of a day program either. My in laws are taking my husband to his doctor tomorrow and they plan to ask about these types of programs. I feel like I have a clock counting down to when school starts. For some reason, that is when I feel like a lot of my support will disappear. Everyone will get busy with school and other activities, and that will be their focus. My family is 6 hours away and I feel out here alone.
I am a Christian and have held onto my faith. I have felt God's reassurance over the last several months. I feel like I just need to wait - but waiting is hard. I know without a doubt that God placed me with my husband, so I have to wait on Him to work this out. I am so tired right now that I can't really pray about it. I know that God knows the desires of my heart and that His Spirit will intercede for me. I just don't know how much longer I can keep up doing everything by myself - cleaning, taking care of the kids, running the kids to all of their activities, keeping the lawn mowed, taking care of my husband, keeping up at work, etcc......
I know that I can do all thing through Christ..... I just pray that I will move out of the way enough so that He can work.
Just let it be soon.....
Lelore
I am just so tired. I am going to have to ask my boss tomorrow to reduce some of my responsibilities at work because I can not manage everything the way that I should. It is not fair to the people who report to me to keep me in that role. I am not sure what she will say. She has been extremely supportive up until this point.
I took my son for his 6th grade physical today. I was asking his doctor about the safety of his ADD medication. (I just have this nagging thought in the back of mind that being on antidepressants and anti-psychotic medications for 20+ years has fried my husband's mind). I had to explain the reasons why I was asking. The doctor said - in front of my son - that having a parent who is bipolar means that the child would have a 30% chance of having the same or similar illness. That pretty much bummed out my son. I talked with him and my daughter tonight and tried to stress to them the importance of letting me know if they ever felt sad for no reason or whatever. How do you explain this stuff to an 11 and 8 year old?
It is so unfair for everyone. My husband realizes that he is not well and that he is putting a strain on everyone. He doesn't understand why I won't let him stay home by himself, with the kids alone, drive his car, or give him the check book. I feel so bad even though I know it is for his benefit. He sees his doctor tomorrow. I hope we can get some answers.
It really is a big relief to know that there are other people out there in my situation. I have so many people looking at me with pity and saying "let me know if you need anything" but they don't have a clue what I'm going through. I live in a very small town and to my knowledge there is no support group for loved ones of bipolar or mentally ill people. I am not aware of a day program either. My in laws are taking my husband to his doctor tomorrow and they plan to ask about these types of programs. I feel like I have a clock counting down to when school starts. For some reason, that is when I feel like a lot of my support will disappear. Everyone will get busy with school and other activities, and that will be their focus. My family is 6 hours away and I feel out here alone.
I am a Christian and have held onto my faith. I have felt God's reassurance over the last several months. I feel like I just need to wait - but waiting is hard. I know without a doubt that God placed me with my husband, so I have to wait on Him to work this out. I am so tired right now that I can't really pray about it. I know that God knows the desires of my heart and that His Spirit will intercede for me. I just don't know how much longer I can keep up doing everything by myself - cleaning, taking care of the kids, running the kids to all of their activities, keeping the lawn mowed, taking care of my husband, keeping up at work, etcc......
I know that I can do all thing through Christ..... I just pray that I will move out of the way enough so that He can work.
Just let it be soon.....
Lelore
I Love Bill
07-13-2006, 10:20 AM
Dear Lelore,
I feel like we are in almost the exact same position. I too am a Christian. I also believe that God has placed me in Bill's life for a reason. I know that God promises not to give us more than we can handle. Just try to remember to give your hurts to God. I used to get upset with myself because I would just start crying at the most inoppurtune times. Tears are a release. I try to remember also that as much despair that I am going through that Bill is the one who is really suffering. I sometimes get resentful because the ideal marriage for me would be the husband taking care of the wife. The man being the strong one and someone for the woman to lean on. It is hard to have all the responsibilities. I too have to keep the checkbook. Bill understands why. We had to close a checking account, file bankruptsy once, and have had numerous times of bounced check fees. One time Bill forgot to deposit his paycheck. Bill has taken money out of our son's piggy bank and also will take it out of my purse if I leave it around. I have had to tell my son over and over before that "Dad just needed money this morning, I will pay you back." If you ask him if he took the money he will just say no unless you catch him redhanded. When Bill gets money in his hands he has to spend it even if it is just a bag of M&M's. One time he came home with a diamond ring for me he had charged on our credit card. I wanted to take it back but he was going through the whole jealousy phase at that time. We were always fighting and I was bending over backwards to try to keep peace in our home. Putting our trust in God is the only thing that will keep us sane through this. I've been told this is a life long illness and there will always be a need for us to take the lead role. Just try to think of some women in the Bible who were strong and know that we can do this too. Examples: Ruth, Sarah, Mary etc. One day our kids will be grown and gone and we'll probably think our life is boring because we don't have all the comotion going on.
I feel like we are in almost the exact same position. I too am a Christian. I also believe that God has placed me in Bill's life for a reason. I know that God promises not to give us more than we can handle. Just try to remember to give your hurts to God. I used to get upset with myself because I would just start crying at the most inoppurtune times. Tears are a release. I try to remember also that as much despair that I am going through that Bill is the one who is really suffering. I sometimes get resentful because the ideal marriage for me would be the husband taking care of the wife. The man being the strong one and someone for the woman to lean on. It is hard to have all the responsibilities. I too have to keep the checkbook. Bill understands why. We had to close a checking account, file bankruptsy once, and have had numerous times of bounced check fees. One time Bill forgot to deposit his paycheck. Bill has taken money out of our son's piggy bank and also will take it out of my purse if I leave it around. I have had to tell my son over and over before that "Dad just needed money this morning, I will pay you back." If you ask him if he took the money he will just say no unless you catch him redhanded. When Bill gets money in his hands he has to spend it even if it is just a bag of M&M's. One time he came home with a diamond ring for me he had charged on our credit card. I wanted to take it back but he was going through the whole jealousy phase at that time. We were always fighting and I was bending over backwards to try to keep peace in our home. Putting our trust in God is the only thing that will keep us sane through this. I've been told this is a life long illness and there will always be a need for us to take the lead role. Just try to think of some women in the Bible who were strong and know that we can do this too. Examples: Ruth, Sarah, Mary etc. One day our kids will be grown and gone and we'll probably think our life is boring because we don't have all the comotion going on.
Lelore
07-14-2006, 09:57 PM
You're right about the boring part. What will we do when we actually have time to read a book or something???? I have been very encouraged over the last couple of days. My husband seems to be waking up...slowly. His doctor feels we are on the right track and that over the next couple of months should see big changes since he's up to a high dose of medication.
I have done most of my crying in my car to and from work. I've also cried alot at work. It's very embarrassing. I have some good friends there who know about the whole situation. Sometimes all they have to do is come over and look at me and I start crying. I try really hard not to show that emotion in front of my husband. It usually makes him react emotionally when he sees me that way.
God is so good. All throughout this ordeal, I have felt Him with me. I can't say I've always been happy with Him. I have wanted an instant solution. But God, provides me with encouragement practically everywhere I turn - in music, a movie, my kids, friends, etc.... We have so many people praying for us and it has been such a blessing to know that they are. I feel like God is testing me and my husband.
So, you are right. We have to hang on to God. We have to let others help us. I have gotten pretty good and that. Before, I always tried to do everything myself. I have had to humble myself over the last several months and allow other people to help me. Many times God uses others to minister to us. We would miss out on a blessing if didn't let them
Well, I'm rambling again..... I'd better check on the kids.
Lelore
I have done most of my crying in my car to and from work. I've also cried alot at work. It's very embarrassing. I have some good friends there who know about the whole situation. Sometimes all they have to do is come over and look at me and I start crying. I try really hard not to show that emotion in front of my husband. It usually makes him react emotionally when he sees me that way.
God is so good. All throughout this ordeal, I have felt Him with me. I can't say I've always been happy with Him. I have wanted an instant solution. But God, provides me with encouragement practically everywhere I turn - in music, a movie, my kids, friends, etc.... We have so many people praying for us and it has been such a blessing to know that they are. I feel like God is testing me and my husband.
So, you are right. We have to hang on to God. We have to let others help us. I have gotten pretty good and that. Before, I always tried to do everything myself. I have had to humble myself over the last several months and allow other people to help me. Many times God uses others to minister to us. We would miss out on a blessing if didn't let them
Well, I'm rambling again..... I'd better check on the kids.
Lelore
I Love Bill
07-15-2006, 10:18 AM
Lelore,
I am glad to hear your husband has shown signs of progress. We just went to see the doctor on Thursday. She was very concerned that Bill was still obsessing over dying. The diagnosis is now Bipolar and OCD. She switched him to Zoloft from Lexipro, added abilify and increased the lamactil. He is also still on the risperidal and xanax. His temper is coming back a little but the doctor warned it might. He did however feel the need to move yesterday and that is a wonderful sign. I feel so sorry for him with all this medicine. I am really worried about other side effects such as his blood sugar and liver. We won't know because Bill won't let anybody draw his blood. Bill is starting to pick up the Bible himself and that is really encouraging. Take care and have a nice weekend.
Joanne
I am glad to hear your husband has shown signs of progress. We just went to see the doctor on Thursday. She was very concerned that Bill was still obsessing over dying. The diagnosis is now Bipolar and OCD. She switched him to Zoloft from Lexipro, added abilify and increased the lamactil. He is also still on the risperidal and xanax. His temper is coming back a little but the doctor warned it might. He did however feel the need to move yesterday and that is a wonderful sign. I feel so sorry for him with all this medicine. I am really worried about other side effects such as his blood sugar and liver. We won't know because Bill won't let anybody draw his blood. Bill is starting to pick up the Bible himself and that is really encouraging. Take care and have a nice weekend.
Joanne