Hey everyone!! Day what 18 now, of oxy w/d. Feeling good, very few urges. Happy worst is over, all these good things and then the craziest thing happened last nite.

I think most of you know, I have 3 kids, an emotionally abusive boyfriend since I was 18, I am 30 now. Well I was pretty sure I was medicating myself so I didnt have to listen to his constant, screaming, yelling, nothing is ever rite, or good enuf.

This may help understand the way he is. He watched me go cold turkey 2 days off oxy, 90 mgs a day and I just quit. He watched, he would not offer sympathy, compassion, assistance. His idea of helping was to make me a soda.

And I mean that was pure hell, I wont even lie, there were times I was screaming and crying and wanted to die. But he is not a person who can feel empathy. I know this already. He could not comfort me at any time during those 48 hours.

Ok so anyways.. Yesterday he said " you know Debbi, I am dam sick of hearing you say it was heroin, you were on prescription painkillers. "
Umm my head flipped around like the friggin exorcist.

He watched me go thru 2 days cold turkey oxy w/d, and here he was on Day 17, telling ME they were vikes or something? Umm and he knows all about this board, and all about how oxys are pure opiates, and he came to me and said basically, Oh please it wasnt that bad..

Yeah because you werent the one writhing in pain, jerk.

OK so my first thought is knife him in the back, no im kidding, I just shake my head, because I dont care what he believes. I dont even bother starting a fight over it.
It reaffirms my decision that as long as we stay, my kids and I cannot have a normal life..


Well all throughout yesterday he just keeps taking little digs at me, every time he sees me. Only now Im SOBER and Im like what the hell is your malfunction? HEHE. All day I just keep saying, Just stop doug, leave me alone, what is wrong with you?

Last nite we were in the house, kids and everything and again he says something nasty, rite in front of them! That is his way, to always put you down and he plays these mind games too. I see it pretty clearly now.
'
I turned and said " Kids, go to your rooms and shut the doors. They are great kids, they took off like a flash, and I swear I had no idea what was coming next!! If God himself came down and said you are about to GO OFF LIKE A CRAZY B, I would not have believed him.

I am 5'2, 100 pounds, he is 6'3, 300 pounds.

The second there doors closed i think ***** himself took over my body... I turned back to him, he was sitting on the couch, I walked over got an inch from his face and started screaming like crazy, about how I was done and wasnt gonna take his crap, and that if he didnt shut up I was gonna kill him when he slept that nite. I was dead serious too, and I AM NOT A VIOLENT PERSON!


I am happy, go lucky always c the bright side... Anyways..

He laughed rite in my face and said well you better do a good job, and what came next I still CANNOT BELIEVE..

The second he laughed at me, I drew back and started knocking the crap out of him, I mean fist on jaw every time.!!!!!!!!!!! And he is huge and Im just this tiny thing.

He was seated and I was above him and just going off the hook! He cringed backwards and had a look of total fear in his eyes. And I mean we have been afraid of him all our life here. And here i was socking him in the jaw over and over, and he was stunned. Saying Debbi quit, debbi quit. Didnt even defend hisself.

Well i guess I got in maybe 7/8 good solid punches, all the while screaming at him about the pain of his abuse. I broke his $200 glasses and stoppped the punching at that point. Well I guess that wasnt fun enough for him..

He talked more crap after I walked away and I had my car keys in my hand. I drive a beautiful 2005 white/chrome mustang, I cherried out myself.

The only thing on that ring was my car key, house key, and viper alarm transponder, little blue box thingie, plastic.
I turned and hurled them at his head as hard as I could, perfect shot, he was maybe 5 foot away, well dam if he didnt start gushing blood from his head like a stuck pig!

I was like OMG I am going to jail, but you so deserved that you ***. I picked up the phone and called 911 myself. At that point I did believe that it was either me or him, so one of us needed to go to jail.

He puts his hand to his head and its covered in blood, (actually he is just a heavy bleeder, it wasnt even deep enough for stitches.) ANd he goes OMG what have you done to me? HOw could you do this?

UMm hello, I been taking ur crap for 12 years and so have your children. and I went right over the edge of the cliff.

All I could think of was, you are sick, you have put us thorugh so much worse. Now I dont in anyway condone physical violence as a solution to anything. But I'll be damned, he was afraid of me!

He runs to the bathroom, this is a hugely funny sight to me, because he is very overweight and you dont c him run. I go after him so I can c how bad it is cuz it looks real bad to me, all that blood, it was pouring from his scalp.

He is dam near tears , how could you, I have to go to the hospital I need an ambulance, and hes just wiggin out, and Im just trying to get a look to c how deep it is. My kids opened the door and there was dougs face covered in blood, boom they shut those doors. I actually saw my 14 year old sons glint of a smile at the site of doug. And he is anti violence as much as I am. Boohooing over a little girl beating him up. With a set of car keys and a fist the size of an apple.

I get a look at the wound, its just a scratch! You cant even spread it, so there is no way he needs stitches. But there was alot of blood. So I started screaming again about how done I was, and I would never hear again about how sorry I am or my kids are. Never another word, and 911 is calling me back on my cell now.

He turns and totally concedes. Its ok, im done i wont say anything else, i am going to bed. I promise Im done.



So I Told 911 its ok, cuz at this point I guess I hvae made some kind of point because he does a complete 180!


He is a huge baby about the smallest scratch. Always has been. And boy he was like OOH look what you did!! LOL

Uh huh and DAMN IT FELT GOOD! And bad too, when i saw the fear in his eyes.

So today he gets up , and he is all of a sudden overnite, this poor abused person with this terrible headache cuz of what I have done in one 5 minute tirade.. Never mind any of the **** that lead up to it.

THEN he starts in on me again, and I said you know what I am not going to play you're little head games. Keep talking and I'm coming at ya. He shut rite up, hasnt spoke to me since.

First time I won in 12 years. I could reason, logic, plead and none of it mattered. he was always the master of the mind game. IT hurt me when said that crap, but those same things didnt bother him a bit.


Called my mom, who you guys know is the one who really held my hand during the worst, and I was like OMG look what I did.

She said that you do get to a point where you feel like its either you or them. And you cant c beyond that. I did feel like that, I was gonna keep it up until I won, it was him or me and I was fighting for my life. And my kids.

Now I consider my mother to be a saint, she never drank, took drugs or has been with any other man besides my father, and he is an abusive alcoholic. She is happy, go lucky like me.

I was horrified at what I had done.

SHE was LIKE HELL YEAH!! Oh geez, she is so not one to condone physical violence either, so if shes saying hell yeah, I was like whoa.

Doug has been awful to everyone in my family at some point or another.. I actually overheard him say one day when he didnt know I was at the doorway. , "if you tell someone something, over and over for a long enough period of time, they eventually will come to believe it." I was stunned by that.

Here is an example of his craziness, I was 19 and pregnant, and he was 33, and he called my mother when I was gone and told her that I would not u know, give him a bj, but I did it for other guys I had been with. Could she help?

My mother is religious too, I wouldnt be surprised if she never did such a thing, AND HE KNEW IT. But he still called her asking for advice on how he could get me to do it.

Umm what sicko calls your mother and asks how to get a bj out of their daughter? UGH!

OK so.......... am I crazy? LMAO! I felt crazy at the time, but also in control and damn good after.

OMG I beat him up and cracked his head open with car keys on Day 17. YEAH!

HEY DEB,

GOOD FOR YOU! :bouncing:

He deserved it!
Now when are getting the HELL out of there?

Sounds like a real sicko to me, asking your mom about a BJ!

One of my sisters was married to a S.O.B. like that.
When he died of a heart attack, it was one of the happiest days in our familys life!

He actualy told her when my dad died that she couldn't come to the funeral because she would have to cross the continental divide! :confused: And she believed him!

God every male in my whole family wanted to kill him.

O M G DEB !!! AWESOME!
Congrats girl!
i know i know violence is bad, but you sure shook some fear into him! about time he got that!!!!!
WO hoo!!
sounds like your on your way to a better life already!
Good Ridance to bad rubbish!!!:blob_fire

Way to go Deb!I sure hope you and your children get out of there as soon as you can.I pray you and your children get out and live a happy life as you so deserve!

Girlfriend......you be careful.....do you trust that he won't get physical with you if he feels desparate sometime, like he's losing you now that you're getting stronger? As we know, bullies are just little boys inside who don't know any other way to make themselves feel adequate. Is there any way you can just move out now and in with your mom? Or I guess that'd mean being with your dad too, which wouldn't be a great idea. God has His best waiting for you....and it'll probably involve several steps of blind faith on your part....but give Him a chance to show you what He can do.

Wow....I think we're gonna have to change your username to BadA$$Deb or something like that. You been watchin' UFC on Spike? ;)

Hey everyone. Well I was shocked at my behavior I cant lie. : ) You guys made me feel good!! Not shocked enough to apologize though.. HEHE

No, he would not get physical with me. He did that route when I was on coke, and when I went through recovery, i told him do it again and youre going to jail. I would not hesitate to call the cops on him.

He had to serve time 6 years ago, a 4 month stint in county, and then 8 months in the real pen, and they messed with him good. He is horrified of going back.

I really dont know what went on there cuz he never would say.

He was beat in the head in the middle of the nite at a transitional facility, helicoptered out to the hospital. And this was a place for druggies, not even hard core criminals. They slept 70 to a room. 2 cans of tuna fish in a sock. And I only knew because some CO called me in the middle of the nite to tell me. So I know there are other things that he just wont tell me.

Moving to my moms is not an option, less my dad kills over tomorrow, LOL. Doug is actually so much like my dad, its not even funny. I mean they could be twins, as far as behavior patterns go.

He has been pretty peaceful since.. Hopefully I can make it through a couple of months and save some money. If not, I wont hesitate to move us into an apartment.

Well I have to go to work guys!! Thank so much for all your support!

Deb- You know, sometimes a womans got to do what a womans got to do! I had to do it with my first husband. He was built like a gorilla and I'm only 5'2" and weight 116. I had taken all I could of his abuse (both physical and mental, and also sexual) and I beat the crap out of him. Knocked two of his teeth out then proceded to walk to the kitchen to get my iron frying skillet, all the while telling him I was going to kill him with it. Well, he started begging me not to hit him with it while he was huddling in the corner holding his bleeding mouth. I kicked him out and that was the absolute end of that marriage. He never knew I'd do it (stand up to him, let alone beat his rear end).

Anyway- that being said, you please be careful and don't let him hurt you again with words or otherwise. As soon as you are able to get out of there, pack those kids up and scram girl!

You've come too far to allow this guy to belittle you. You and your kids deserve so much more!

Good Luck!
Lezlee

Wow. Crazy. I'm speechless.

But, you know if a man did 1/10 of that to a woman irrespective of any size differential, he'd be in jail today. Few questions asked.

Podee-
That might be true in some areas, but my first husband had been getting away with it for 2 years. I'd call the cops, and they would see my bruises and they would just walk away. When I told the cops I wanted to press charges, they would say, well you can but he will press them against you. Mind you, I never did hit him once during all that. I was too affraid to.

The last time is when I finally decided to deffend myself. He deserved it.

Lezlee

Good for you Deb. I had an abusive idiot too, looking back I wondered why I stayed so long. :blob_fire :angel:

You def. need to leave this guy. You and your kids shouldn't have to put up with this man any longer. Why don't you just leave. By the way by you hitting him it doesn't really solve anything and you are very lucky that this heavy man did not knock you out.

BLanca in my frame of mind, if he had even stood up I would have hit him upside his head with a bat! And killed him for sure.

I knew he wouldnt touch me. Too afraid of jail. LOL

He can make little kids and girls cry, thats about it. Big chicken.

Deb honey, you are very brave woman, in many areas of your life, obviously. Be brave enough to get the ****** out of there. Even bullies have their braking point, and your children deserve to have a mother. I had to take a stand with my bf 10 months ago when we got clean. He thought I could'nt get him out of the house. So I did, the cops came and esctorted him out. He didn't stay gone, but he knows I would make him go to take care of myself. Things worked out for us because we were both sick and we both got help. Even recently I had to put my foot down and insist he find a job. Once I did, he got up off his behind and has been working for three weeks. Unbelievable!!

Standing up for ourselves, respecting ourselves, and believing that we deserve certain things in our lives is a very important part of recovery. You are not the person he wants to make you feel you are, and your children have done nothing to deserve his abuse. Please talk to your mother and see if you can put together a short term plan for a better future. You need out of that house and need him out of your life. His emotional abuse can be a prelude to physical abuse. I do not know about your personal situation, but maybe you can move into a small apartment, knowing it is only for a short while. It sounds like your kids know what's up, and they would understand if you have to cut corners for a while in order to be able to give them a joyous home life. Kids are resilient (did I spell that right?), and a home free of abuse, evenif it is only emotional abuse, is a home they deserve. It doesn't matter if they share a bedroom and you sleep in the couch. A loving home is never too small or too cramped.

Deb, maybe you've stated this before, but are you going to na or aa meetings, working a twelve step program? I am interested to know. We are doing the program, not together, but at the same time. Not at the same pace, but that is besides the point. I just wondered, because detoxing is one thing, but staying sober is another. You are a very strong woman and would probably have a lot to offer to others seeking help. The program teaches that part of staying clean is helping others. Anyway, if it's not for you, it's not. My father was an alcoholic, and just stopped on his own, no program, so I know that's how some people do it.

I am happy you stood up for yourself and your children, now, use that energy to take the next important step toward freedom.

Hey MIschief! Yep the only reason I let the oxys go like that, cold turkey and all, was so we could get the hell out. But I also know I cant take my 3 kids and 2 jobs on Day 20 and run out the door before Im ready. To do so, would only lead me back to the pills.

No I am not a believer in meetings. Been to Alanon all my life, my father is an alcoholic. KNew the 12 steps of recovery even before I had my period. I know It works for some, not for others. I am just not comfortable in that setting.

I was a coke addict for 10 years, hardcore user, nose collapsed, all that crap, and I quit 5 years ago, never touched the stuff again. I know mnay people that have been sober for years without AA/NA. Doug was a coke addict too and he has been clean 14 years.

Now I am trying to address the issue that I still picked something else up and got hooked again. I think its all because of him too. I was numb on the oxys, the crap he said didnt matter. Well no kidding. LOL

He has actually pretty much shut up about everything since that nite I went crazy on him. No yelling, or screaming, he just stays outside in his little office with his friends. Suits me fine for now. He has even taken to asking if I need anything, constantly!!

I honestly figured we would stay another 30-60 days, while my body resumes its normal functions on its own, starts to feel good, and I learn how to do all these things sober. : )

I'm glad you have a plan. As far as the aa or na, if you can do it on your own, good for you. Do yourself a favor if you want to pick up again. Try a meeting. No one is comfortable in that setting at first. Anyway, I am proud of you and happy for you and your kids. It's never too late to make a fresh start. :) :)

Actually Deb,

Id like to come put a couple of knots on his head myself, but it looks like you did a good job of it. I don't like men that abuse women, mentally, or physically. Just don't let the FAT S.O.B. sit on ya. :D
IMHO men like that haven't got the guts to fight a real man, so they take it out on there women to make them feel big.

Seriously though, please keep your guard up. Just like you finally snapped, so can he. Regardless of him being a chicken *****, & not wanting to go back to jail. He might even start to take it out on your kids, so please keep a eye on that too.

I know you need some more time, but please get out of there as soon as you can.

Congrats on day 20! :bouncing: Your doing it, & I'm proud of you!
B

Hey Deb,
How is the whole situation working out?
Im glad you are changing your life ALL around for the better.
=)

THanks Bob! I appreciate it, hehe.

Well since that nite he has been very quiet.. Reserved even, lol. We pretty much live in the same house and dont speak, and that is just fine with me..

I did cave and give him sex, which lasted all of 3 minutes, hehe, made him happy, soo........

Just getting back into the groove and saving some money, hopefully the peace will stay for a bit.. Well its Day 22!! YAY!