Hi everyone,

I've been reading this board for a year and a half, and I've posted a few times. Mostly I read and scare myself to death. I've been taking hydrocodone for about 3 years. I started taking it after oral surgery, and sinus surgery that followed due to a horrible tooth implant experience, and chronic headaches that followed. I've never taken more than 3 pills a day (7.5 and 10 mg) but every time I try to stop, the WD's, especially the anxiety and headaches, make me feel like I'll take these forever. (The headaches are chronic due to the implant.) I also use alcohol, about 2 drinks a day when alone, but more if out with friends socializing.

I started abusing the drug when I was going through a rough time in my marriage that ended in divorce. It was a release for me, I felt relaxed for a couple of hours when on them. I've purchased the drug over the internet, and will not be able to anymore, thank god, (although I feel so anxious about it). The fear of getting caught, and the expense ($240/mo) is something I will not miss once I get over this. I've never taken a whole pill at once. In my worst times I would take a 1/2 pill every 3-4 hours while awake. At my best time I can get by with just 1.5 pills a day. I have done 1 pill a day, and that's OK for one day with motivation and exercise, but the next day I take another half b/c I feel awful, and then back to 2 a day, etc. I was diagnosed with anxiety years ago before all of this, and that makes the WD's so bad. I also tried that awful liquid detox crap before we all knew how much worse that was.

Regardless of how much I've taken, WD's has no mercy on anyone. I can only imagine how bad it is for those who were addicted to 10-20 plus pills per day. I did go CT last fall for a week waiting for more, and it was horrible. But seriously, for those of you out there who do not take much, and do not need them, WD's are inevitable and awful and will keep you taking the drug and even increase what you take.

I now have a chance at a new, beautiful, healthy relationship, and I want to stop this. I am glad I can't get anymore, although I have mixed emotions. I dream of the day of not caring about ordering, paying, receiving, and then alloting them every day to support my habit. But, this has happened before, and the anxiety of not getting them was frightening. I don't know what that day will be like, and the days to follow, when I run out, and it's coming soon. I still have 16 pills left. I am still on clonopin and buspar for the anxiety, and just stopped an antidepressant about 2 weeks ago (successfully). I am not addicted to the clonopin. I do not take but .25 mg a day, sometimes .5 when I am going off of the hydros. I don't crave them and I really don't know if they do anything but take the edge off to get to sleep. .5 also helps when I wake up so I am not so anxious.

I feel like this is my opportunity to stop. I am taking 1.5 - 2 pills of 10 mg of hydros a day for the last week. I want to start a taper. I have the clonopin to back up some anxiety. I know many of you have tapered successfully using way more than I have. My problem is anxiety and a past experience with panic disorder after my divorce. The thing is, I think but am not sure, that the panic disorder episode was induced by something I used to detox. I can't tell you what b/c I'll get booted, but some of you know.

Current symptoms I am looking for help with: sweating, especially in bed early in the morning, anxiety overall and anxiety of running out of the 16 I have, cravings, (boredom..my boyfriend lives 4 states away and is dealing with an emotional post-divorce), fatigue, headaches, and intestinal discomfort. I know this is my opportunity to get off of these with some w/d's but I want to beat it before I run out. That sounds impossible, but my dream is to take the last without much discomfort to follow. I know the hardest part will be the cravings and I know that's the hardest to beat.

Can anyone offer a taper suggestion with what I have left? I know I will have to deal with physical discomfort, I just don't want the anxiety and fatigue. The headaches are a concern, because I have forgotten mentally how to rely on Advil for the pain. I take Big 50 B vitamins and know that gatorade and water will help a bit. But if anyone can offer suggestions of how to mentally prepare for this, I'd like to hear advice that you can offer.

I really want to do this. I have a chance in the next few weeks to do it, but if I fail, I am afraid that I will never do it. I need help with what to expect and how to overcome the inevitable WD's and cravings. If I don't beat it now, with this chance I have, I am so scared that I will continue and try to get them by lying to doctors and illegally on the internet again. I want to feel free of the control they have had over me and move on with a normal life.

Thanks for listening and I pray for everyone going through this or worse. I read the board frequently and learn so much. Thanks to all of you.

Lisa

I know it is not fun with the w/d but you really cant get around them all the way. It sounds like you are not abusing and a taper would work. I could never do that I was taking 8-10 15mg pills a day and I am on day 7 of cold turkey! If I can do it anyone can trust me when I say that. The worse thing about coming off the pills is the lack of energy I am drained. You really need to force yourself to get out and get exercise and get your mind off it so you aren't thinking about the next pill. Let me know if you need anything at all I am here for you.

Redman..thank you for replying. I know like 80% of this is mental. I do work out, but right now in Chicago it's hot, and gettng hotter, and you just want to stay cool. I worked out tonight and thought I was going to have a heart attack...too humid! But, you are so right. I have to stay the course and, more importantly, stay here on the boards. I am reading some posts now and I feel so bad for everyone, yet I know we all want the same thing. We want to wake up OK and go to bed without thinking of the addiction or the stuff that led up to it and kept us that way.

How are you doing? Ok, I pray. Thanks...you know how much a reply means when someone is feeling hopeless.

Lisa

Redman..one more thing...how are you on day 7? I am so proud of you, and do you think you're past the worst? Let me know what I can do, if anything, to help you. It would make me feel so good to help someone else, and it would help me, etc. A beautiful pattern...

Lisa

LisaV,

I haven't really felt like posting tonight, (severe depression from several things) but thought I had better give you some encouragement.

You are on a very small dose compaired to some of us who have went through this. Even with a tapper though, I still think you might have some W/D's.
Hopefully not a bad as mine, & others here who were on high doses of opiates, & I really don't think they will be for you. If so, the worst sould be over by day five. I did a tapper off of Oxycontin, Roxycodone, & any other opiate I could get my hands on, but I cheated sooo much that I just consider it as going CT. My last day I had 200mg of Oxy, & 160mg of Roxy. At one time, I was up to 800mg of Oxy. W/D's were pure hell for me, but I made it through, & YOU CAN TOO!
Like you I was very anxious about running out, especialy the last day when I knew I would be totally out for good.

As I have found out (for me anyway) the cravings are just as bad as the w/d's. Most of mine come from the fact that I'm in constant pain, (& have been for a long, long time) & alot of other things. Depression being one of them. You have to have some kind of support system in place to help you through the bad times. (Mine being this board & a system I use that is different from na,or aa) It's just whatever you think will work for you.

Just remember, if you want it bad enough, you can get to the other side.
All of us are routing for you!

By the way I'm into day 83.

I am on day 8 now and it gets a little better each day. I feel pretty good other than I have no energy. day 3-5 are the hardest but if you can make it you will see the little improvements each day. During day 3-5 it is really hard to sleep I was up pacing the house most of the nights and getting like 1-2 hours of sleep. That gets better with time and hot baths and some soft music really help you get through it. I will be here if you need anything else.

Redman-
Congratulations on the beginnig of day 8! Big pats on the back for sticking it out. I know this has been a hard thing to stick with, but you are doing it. I hope and pray that each day from here on out shows improvement and gets even easier for you. It's time for you to reap the rewards of your brave battle against this addiction.

Here's to another day of recovery! Keep up the great work- :wave:

Lezlee

BoilerBob,

Good for you to get to day 83!! That's an amazing feat and I hope you continue successfully. Yes, physical pain, depression, cravings, are all factors that make it even tougher even when you are through the WD's. I just got off of an anti depressant because I gained too much weight. I feel a bit better mentally anyway since the divorce and selling my house is now 9 months behind me. The Buspar works wonders for mild anxiety, I just hope the panic disorder doesn't rear it's ungly head through this taper. Fatigue is hard enough, but add clonopin and/or ativan to it and you become a drooling mess. Not one person close to me knows about my abuse of the hydro (well my Dr. did and my Psych and Therapist, but they think I stopped in April). I have to get to work, do my job (which involves managing two large-scale projects and travel and presentations), and I can't really call in sick if I want to remain in control of the work.

I'm sorry you are going through the depression which I did too. It is scary and painful, and I know you said you still deal with physical pain. Well, the way I look at it, I do believe that the opiates totally add to depression and anxiety. Hopefully without them now, you can feel some relief that you are not hurting your body anymore by abusing opiates. I hope you can find non-addictive pain relief, so keep at it. I would panic about my liver and feel guilty every morning when I popped my pill. I haven't felt the effects of the pills for months now, I only take them to ward off the WD's. I also knew that if I wanted to use them again for the effect, I would have to take more. No way, I said and knew this could spiral out of control more every day. So I think I've been in some form of WD's for months because I still take them, but not as much as my body wants. So this has to be it. I just don't know how to prepare for it.

Hang in there and please post when you need someone for support. I'll try to check in twice a day. Thanks for taking the time to post even though you weren't feeling well.

Lisa

Redman,

Day 8 is awesome, and day 9 will be better I imagine. I hope you're sleeping and feeling stronger everday. I agree that the fatigue is horrible. I am fatigued all the time, and I really do think that I've been in WD's for months. I don't take what I used to, but I take some, and my body wants more. I feel this is just stupid to hang on to the 16 and why not stop now, but we all know you have to be superman to dump your DOC. I just kind of wish I was out and the WD's will come on and start my count down. I am going to do my best to stick to my taper, which is 1.5 pills take a half each morning, afternoon, evening, then 1 pill (.5 morning, .5 evening) than .5 pill (morning), going down each step as the last days near. The cravings don't help, nor do the headaches and anxiety.

Hang in there and keep us posted on your daily progress, or if you need a pep talk or anything.

Lisa

Lisa-
How are you feeling these days? I know you are feeling exhausted, but how is the tapering going? Are you able to stick with the tapering? I hope it gets easier for you each day and that any wd's will be short lived. You can do it, and you can always come here for support!

Lezlee

Hi Lezlee,

It's hard to say how it's going, really. Thanks for asking and posting:) I took my alloted amount today 1.5 pills, but I wish I could've done just 1. The WD's I felt were mosty fatigue, anxiety, and sweating, but it was 96 here in Chicago today so who wouldn't be fatigued and sweaty? I feel OK one second and then two seconds later I think about running out. Part of me knows I can run out and deal with it. Another part of me gets anxious about trying to get more..that's a horrid cycle that I won't miss. It's the mental part of it...the cravings..wanting to feel better than without it. I feel like I should get hypnosis or something. Cravings are evil and no human can overcome them without suffering, joining a support group, or just being a super human.

Thanks for checking in. I'll keep in touch and respond to others needing support, too.

Take care Lezlee:)

Lisa

Lisa,

I'm glad you have a tapper plan, & are sticking to it!
You can do it. Yes most of it is mental, just keep telling youself it will over soon, & things will get better. I too think you are in long drawn out withdrawls, but if you can't make it going CT & don't want to go to a clinic etc. thats the best way to do it. (IMHO) Try not to think about running out, when it comes on, find something to do to take your mind off it.

Me, I'm a little better tonight. Not a whole lot, but not as bad either.
The pain I can take most of the time. I've been doing that for alot of years now. The depression, stress, & the cravings they bring on is what I have trouble with. I was under the impression that after W/D's everything would be downhill from there. I found out differently. I've read alot about comming off of high doses, & this is just supposted to be part of it. I'm hoping it is, and the depression will lesson with time. Theres alot of things going on in my life right now that are adding to this.

Keep going, you will do this!
You have our support here, & were glad to have yours.
B

Hi BoilerBob,

I know what you mean when you say there are things going on in your life that make getting "sober" harder. I started abusing when life got rough. Things are still rough, so I know that will make it harder to succeed. Depression is better, but anxiety and panic will never go away for me. My panic disorder hasn't reared it's ugly head in a while, but my anxiety keeps it close by. These drugs make it worse, and I want to prove that I can get better by getting off of them. However, when my sober life is staring me in the face, I really wonder how it will feel to not have that false safety net.

Keep going, and I hope you are being treated for the depression. Yes, there are many drugs out there..many..that make you better without the fear of bad WD's. When I went off the SSRI (anit-depressent), I got the brain zaps, but that is child's-play compared to opiate WD. It's so funny that the best shot at success or many of us is these HealthBoards. Not a drug, not a "physical" group meeting...but tons of support and real advice that works.

Take care...sleep well..wake up OK...

LisaV

Lisa;

Checking up on you today................

How are you doing and how is the taper going?

I've successfully taper in the past so I have a good knowledge base to draw upon if you need and info. A good taper that is relatively manageable to handle from a withdrawal standpoint (withdrawal distress = few) is anywhere from 5 to 15% reduction every 5 days. Of course reducing by 5 or 10% seems like a long time but it really isn't and it does help significantly reduce the withdrawal distress. I've been able to provide tapering schedules in the past so if you ever need one let me know and I'd be glad to work one up for you. If you searched on tapering schedules you may see one from the past I've provided.

As always tapering is dependant on how will you stay to plan, its too easy to cheat the plan, thus why tapering is soo difficult.

Hang in there the best is yet to come

phil

Phil,

I'm doing OK, some anxiety, both from the WD's as well as fear of running out for the first time in 3 years. Headaches are bad, but mine always are and will never go away. The sweating is bad too. I keep wondering how I'll handle some of the stresses in life that I've dealt with since I discovered the pills help for a while with stress. Thank you so much for offering a taper plan. I have 14 pills left. I take a half a pill at a time. So when I say I take 2-3 a day, it really comes to 1 to 1.5 pills a day. I know this sounds like a small amount, but I am down from 2-3 whole pills a day, and I feel like I am in constant mid-withdrawal, so tapering is difficult when you feel so crappy all the time. My fear is that I have run out before, and the WD's were just a bad as what everyone talks about even on higher doses. The runs, sweats, anxiety, depression, etc. If I had a schedule to follow (I am a business analyst and work best with developing and sticking to a "plan"), I think I could do better. I started tapering too fast, going down to one whole pill a day last week, and I started taking 1.5 to 2 whole pills again to ward off the symptoms. If I knew the chemistry that works, I may have a better chance. Of course, who the heck has a "mental" taper program, one that can help us think through the cravings? I try to focus on the physical health issues as well as the idea of waking up feeling wonderful one day. I've been working out every evening and taking my B vitamins and eating healthy. We'll see.

Thanks again, Phil. You have to know how many people you have helped here.

Lisa

You can do it just keep at it. I am at the end of day 11 and it does get a little better each day. Let us know if you need anything.

Thanks, Redman. I do need something..you and everyone on this board. No matter what our DOC is, or the quantity, to me it's all the same. It's all about stopping, and getting through WD's and the stresses that led us here. Seriously, we all talk about he addiction and how to get out, but the real issue is why and how we got here. We have to listen to the stories we post and the best remedy is a caring word that no one else offers. We all know the rest..getting off the drugs, getting through WD's, but then we are left to hang dry and no doc can help you with that. It's the group meetings, these boards, or, for the strong, just taking control all alone. But here, you are not alone..ever. Thank you so much.

Lisa

83 Boiler Bob whoaaa.

Whatever you're doing, seems to be working for now.\\

Really great job!!!

ethos

I am glad to see despite WD that hydro can be gotten away from. My boyfriend has been addicted for years now and I am really having a hard time with him. He too will drink more when he can't get the pills. He has taken enormous amounts at times I don't see how he survives. I have to hide my pills because I am on Hydro for a few different painful health problems. I never take more than one to 2 a day, only becasue I know how addictive they can be. Its easy to get addicted and other than cigerettes my only other addiction and that is hard for me to stop. He uses them alot for depression nd motivation and thats where his addiction started more so than pain. The bad part of all this is I have put up with his stealing mine for years or just giving in to giving him some casue he begs and pleads, now I feel guilty. We have split up over this and just go back to the same situation over and over. He recently had brain surgery and his vision was effected so now leaving him is not an option for me but the addiction has consumed him and my life is effected. I feel trapped and angry over this addiction. Please any advise would help.

Lisa;

I think you're doing great considering this is all new ground for you. At this point with only 14 pills remaining not sure a plan would help, and if you're only taking 1.5 to 2 pills per day (5mg, 7.5mg or 10mg?) then you are really close to getting off these pills for good. You are so close now, to close to not make it all the way. The anxiety is normal for sure and the WD symptoms will be a part of your life until you get totally off the pills.

Try and to de-focus from not having the pills in your life and focus in on how well life is going to be, knowing you can really do things without the aid of the pills. You know before pills most of us handled life’s ins and outs quite well and I think you will find that after pills you will be able to handles life’s nuances just as well. We always sell our selves short and think we can only handle life with pills but in reality and strong confidence we really can deal with this wonderful world of ours and all it throws at us.

I’m proud you are taking these steps to get your life back in order, you should feel so pleased with yourself! I’m so sure you will find life so much better without the pills and all their nasty overhead and the best is yet to come!

phil

Philster,

Something you said really hit home. We all handled likfe before pills, and we can do it again. My problem is I live alone now for the first time in my life. I was with my husband since I met him when I was 20. I am now 40, and I never lived alone. I do have a boyfriend, but I have to relocate if we are to live together and will eventually. I am not good alone. I need human interaction. When I am with him, I don't crave at all, but I do have some WD's and anxiety about not taking the pills. He doesn't know, and he never will if I have anything to say about it. Taking the pills was a horrible way to deal with my divorce, but at the time, it helped..it did. That ruins you forever, because then you think, "what will I do next time I have to deal with something very stressful in life?" I lost four pregnancies in my life, and never new about pills, even ones that could've been prescribed to deal with anxiety and depression. I got through it all like a normal person. I found the pills after that, with dental and sinus surgery. Now, I think when something else will happen, and it will..this is life, will I always crave the escape that hydros has to offer? It changes your life that way. Anyway, I want off and want to be healthy and have my dignity. I am feeling like sh** and have for 3 years and hope I can do this. The worst thing is the anxiety. I can deal with feeling physically bad. I hate panicking and I have an anxiety disorder that started before the hydro (after 911 for valid reason I guess). Feeling physically bad causes anxiety for many, so I dread running out.

Thanks, Phil. Information is the best weapon to take this one, and you have given that to me and many others. Good luck to you in every way.

Lisa

Lisa;

The anxiety gets better with time and if you have anxiety meds just use them as needed. You really will cope with getting off the pill wagon better and better as time passes. And I'm serious, before pills you handled everything, that will return, you will have your dignity back, just stay on course you are almost there.

phil

Hey Lisa,

Just checking in to see how you're doing today. Hope all is going well. Hang in there - the day will come when you will look back at this period of time and say "Wow, I did it and I'll never touch another hydro again!!!" The pure torcher of getting off will hopefully make you never want to take another one in your life!

Best of luck! ;)

Lisa-
I was just stopping in to drop you a quick note to let you know I'm thinking of you. I hope your days are getting better. Let us know how you're feeling, and take care- Keep being strong, you can make it!

Lezlee

Thanks so much...everyone one of you. It's going Ok but Sh**ty at the same time. I've gone through CT WD's before off more than I am on now, and that was through the divorce and selling my beautiful home. This time, I feel mostly fatigue, anxiety, some runs, and a very foggy head and massive headaches. I think I'll always have the headaches due to this bad dental implant, and that is where the cravings are so hard. I take ibuprofen, but it doesn't work like the hydros. The thing is, when I took the hydros for the headaches, it took care of the headache I was having, but gave me the rebound headches of taking the hydros. I am trading one headache for another..but one had a "perk" to it. Oh well, I have to say, it's true that working out works wonders. I feel like pure Cr** before working out, but then I do and I get the adrenaline going and it's Ok for like 2 hours.

Hanging in there..I still have some, so I still haven't had to face the inevitable that will come in about 2 weeks, and then the truth will be with me. I appreciate all the support. I will look into NA meetings here. I've been skeptical before just due to my schedule, but that seems stupid to not make time for it.

Thanks again, and I hope you are all well with your struggles or ongoing success.

Lisa

Lisa,

You're going to be just fine and you may find that your worrying about more then you need to with the withdrawal. You will have a few less then fun days but nothing catastrophic bad so focus on the end goal and know that once you get by those first few days its all down hill and it only gets better and better.

I always say to people, you are much stronger then you think and slow and steady wins the race.

Be good and stay in touch with us, we have your back

phil

Thanks Philster and Buckeyed Tim:)

I know you have my back, and thanks for saying that. I know I am making too much out of this, I always do, and I have to keep remembering that. I think my biggest problem is that I am prone to anxiety to begin with, so give me this to worry about, and I guess I just don't know what to expect when I run out. I have to say, I am doing OK physically with the WD's. They come and go, and make me really tired. Waking up is the worst. I feel weak, fatigued, unmotivated, headaches and body aches, and shakey. Mid-day is bad with cravings, but I am so dang busy at work that I get through those. It's when I get home that is tough..especially being alone. I immediately work out, but then it's a struggle to get to bed without thinking about the drugs. I did look on the net today for NA meeting groups near me, but I think I'll call my prior therapist for more info. I'm hesitant since she (the therapist) was so alarmed at the hydro thing, she immediately said I needed inpatient or intense outpatient. I was like, "isn't there something a bit less drastic?" I guess it depends on the therapist, but I was so freaked out. It made me stop going to see her. Anyway, thanks for your support here. I think you are all the absolute best people and you say the things that make sense. That's what many of us need..not all "don't worry", you really just state the facts of what you've been through and learned and are real about it and very cool.

Lisa