Hi All.

I lost my father to Lung Cancer on April 7th 2006 while my mother and I were with him (the lung cancer was missed on a scan in May 2005 and was not diagnosed until 3 weeks before his death). My mother had a leg problem a few weeks earlier which she put off being attended to until after dad died. Three weeks after dad was cremated she had an angiogram, and 3 days later she suffered a slight stroke. Two and a half weeks later she had an operation and died of a blood clot to the bowel whilst I was holding her in my arms. Both parents gone in about 7 weeks. What was also bad was that I had to clear my folks house out - which had been there home and my home (I live away but always thought of it as home) since I was born 36 years ago - all on my own which took 2 weeks - it was so hard to do - so many memories.

Although I was pleased that I was there to hold her at her death, I so miss them both. I am single, have no brothers or sisters and have distant relatives which I don't see much and don't really know.

I feel so alone. I don't feel sorry or have pity for myself, just feel alone. I try and be strong, an am so, but have had really bad one-off days which seem to be getting worse (usually a Sunday). I keep kicking myself to pull myself together which works sometimes. I am an optimist and know things get better but at the moments things are bad.

Thanks for listening.
L

Oh sweetie, there's nothing more heartbreaking than a sad optimist. Trust me, I know. I wish I could offer something more than words, I'd do it in a heart beat.

You have a lot on your plate to deal with and being a man, you're less likely to talk to people about it...so please, use us here. That's why we're here. I am an orphan too. But my dad died when I was a child, and my mom died last August, when I was 28. It has been terribly hard. Especially recently.

You don't mention your age, your support system, etc. Do you have any help in coping with your loss? How are you dealing with this? How old were your parents? I don't mean to get personal, but grief is such a personal thing and it's easier to offer help and support if you have a little more information about the heart that needs the help.

Please know that you're not alone and you'll find a way to get through this, the best thing is that you don't have to do it alone...and once you're here, you're ours!!!:D

I hope this finds you in a better place, and if not, we're here to help pick you up and dust you off. Please fill us in a little more on the details and we'll do what we can to help you.

God bless and take care...........Angel

Hi Angel77

Thank you for your reply and you kind words. When I read your signature "If you don't....." it actually made me smile as it is something that I agree with (being an optimist type of person).

I was really sorry to hear of your loss last August. I guess it is going to be hard as August comes closer. For me it is going to be hard on 31st July as it would have been my mothers 73rd birthday. I will be in at work and keeping as busy as I can which is what I have been doing. After mums funeral, it took 2 weeks to sort and clear the house and I was straight back at work the day after I came back to the place I now call home.

You asked about a few more details about me and how I cope with things. I'm 36, an only child, single, don't really have immediate family (an Aunt, her daughter and husband) but that is really it. They live about 10 miles away but they are not family I have had a lot to do with and so are not close to them. So I do just consider myself alone (thats not to sound dramatic or feeling sorry for myself just plain simple fact). Both my parents were 72 when they died. Dad died 2 days before his 73rd birthday, mum died 2 months 2 days before her 73rd.

I deal with their loss day-by-day. Driving into/from work sometimes is a bit hard as there are things/memories that hit me. When I'm at work I'm okay. On an evening I'm fine but just recently I just find little things trigger memories and I get upset and its things/memories I have found I've been okay with before. On occasion I have got in from work, picked up the phone to ask how my mother/father is doing or tell them something and found the phone line to be "dead"/no tone...and I realise they are not there anymore - that hits me. A recurring image was when I held my mother in my arms as she died and how it all happened (she died peacefully); I am so happy in a way that I was there, but the images of her dying (and my father) are becoming more upsetting as time goes on and I find that hard as it hits me harder now than before. I just cope by getting on with daily things and keeping busy.

I am not and don't feel depressed, as I've never been like that before, I just feel a huge and immense gap in my life and feel so alone. I know I will get through this, nearly everyone does, but the journey through it is very hard and painful. I lived away from my folks since I was 19 and so am independant but we were just a close family despite the distance.

Can I ask - how did you and do you cope with your loss?

Thank you for replying to my posting.

Take care.

lns

Well, a little bit about me, I am 29, my mom was exactly 46 1/2 when she died, my dad was 27 and I was 4, my brother and I were 20 when he passed, my little sis was 6 (unsure of how old I was, as I did not get to meet her before she passed away)...so I have not known a time without tradgedy, but, I can say, it made me who I am today.

I still struggle with the loss of my mom for many reasons. The biggest being because her and I did not get along, but I loved her and she was pretty much all I had left. So I grieve a lot of different things. She died of liver failure, due in part to drinking, gastric bypass surgery and basically, IMO, not feeling she had the right to live and be happy. It broke my heart to watch her die. She deteriorated for a few months before passing...but I still held out hope that somehow, she'd miraculously pull through...it was not to be.

I brought cards and letters up to the hospice center for her friends to fill out, share stories of her, favorite jokes, etc. because they knew her on a different level than I was ever allowed...so that offered me some comfort and allowed me to see the better side of her. I didn't want to just feel that a giant negative was gone, I knew in my heart she was a good person, just not capable of being that with me...so I still struggle.

I used to write letters to her every night, telling her what my boys did that day, any new jokes I heard, or just to pat myself on the back for not crying that day...yet here I sit right now, in tears.

It still hits hard. I only have been to her grave 2 times, once with out the marker and once after it was put in. Mostly I just wave and blow a kiss as I pass the cemetery. I'm still too chicken to go in there and admit where she is. I don't like it...But, I have to say, I take comfort in the fact that a friend of my grandma's brought her a beautiful blanket, warm and fuzzy to cover her with before we closed the casket...and although it was august, it got cold just a few weeks after she died last year, and it makes me feel better to know that she's warm.

I had to put her dog to sleep a few days after Christmas and we're going to take the ashes up and scatter them on the mountain side by where she's burried. She would love to know Cheyenne is with her in body and spirit.

Geez, not my intention to hijack the thread with my own drama...but you asked...LOL:p I guess I'm not used to being asked. I hide a lot behind a smile and a general answer. I was told a long time ago, no one wants to really know how I am holding up...I guess for the most part that's true, but it doesn't stop me from checking on others...just my nature I guess.

I can't imagine being an only child. I have one sister left, and although we're not close, her kids and mine play and have something to share.

I understand the gap and the way things rub you differently now. I have two pictures of my mom on my fridge and although I won't take them down, I have a hard time even looking at them. I often deliberately avoid looking at them, but like to know she's there.

I also take comfort in a funny thing that has happened since my mom died...she used to always joke that she was going to find her marbles one day...she used to collect them when she'd find them out and about and on the day of her funeral, I picked up my youngest son at a friends and found two perfect marbles, shiny, no scuffs, on the driveway when I left and my sister and I periodically find them around. They are always clear with a shiny mirrored finish. It's more fun than pennies! We each have a little ditty bag in the bottom of our purses that we keep our marbles in....something to hang on to.

Do you have a "mate" (for lack of a better word...too politically correct and can't remember all the abbreviations for my options:D ) that can or will help you through this? I know the pain of being an optimist sometimes because it conflicts with grief, doesn't it? It confuses many, but people don't realize that an optimist still hurts and gets lost from time to time.

How is today going for you? Have you hit any dips in the road today? Or is today going okay for you?

Geez, sorry about the long winded response, been a long time since I've been asked something like that. ASK AND YE SHALL RECIEVE!! LOL

Well, sweetpea, take care of yourself today and I hope this finds you well.

Toodles.....Angel

Thank you for telling me about yourself and what has happened to you in your life. I honestly and genuinely mean that.

You mentioned in your reply "I was told a long time ago, no one wants to really know how I am holding up...I guess for the most part that's true, but it doesn't stop me from checking on others...just my nature I guess.". I just wanted to say I REALLY want and would want to know how you are holding up and not just asking out of politeness. Thats just me as, like you, its my nature as I am the sort of person who does *genuinely* care. Also please don't "worry", you didn't hijack the thread, by telling about yourself, at all. It is an honour to know more about you and your life.

I was sorry to read you and your mum didn't get on and my heart truly goes to you having read you were in tears right now. I wish there was something I could do for you to give you some comfort. I understand what you said about hoping your mum would miraculosuly pull through - my mum went for an investigative operation at 2:30am expecting her to pull through. I went down with her to the pre-op room said see you later then went home to bed and only been asleep for 40 minutes when I got a call saying it was not good news. From just being an op where people expected her to pull through she died a very short while later.

When I read the part you said about the blanket, it was quite moving and at the same time it made me feel "warm" inside knowing that it would make her warm and make yourself better knowing that.

My mum and dads wish were to be cremated. On Fathers day I went back to the crematorium and sat and remembered my parents and I felt very calm being there. I may go back on July 31st for my mums birthday (a 650 mile round trip). For my mums funeral I wrote a 15 minute/4 page speech - as i wanted to do that for her from my heart and also because I didn't do a speech for dad just 7 weeks before. I didn't faulter on the day but had the people who attended in tears. I felt it was a fitting tribute and did it as "duty" as a son.

When I said about Sundays being hard - it is just life becomes so numb when you can't feel them there anymore and I can't feel them there a lot - the sound of their voices are gone. Their smell is gone. Their presence is gone.

I have a best friend (20 years this Sept) but he lives away and he came to both folks funeral. My Ex, who I work with, we are very good friends, she has been a good listener but she has friends/family of her own. I just get on with life, grow stronger each day, get over the hurt/pain as it happens.

Today has been ok and felt calm. Kept busy just on the way home heard a song from about 10 years ago and it brought back a memory. But has been TOO hot (35celsius) for anything (us Brits aren't used to this heat :)

You sound a very caring person and I am genuinely so sorry for the losses in your life.

As you said, and I take comfort in what you said, in that things that have happened has made you the person you are today - likewise the same goes for me.

I wish you could read what I read at my mums funeral (have it as a text file) but your parents and their values will live on through you and mine will live on through me - and I do take comfort in that.

Take care.

lns

People like you are few and far between. You can feel your heart come through in what you say and how you express yourself. It is a rare quality and greatly appreciated. You are allowed to post things you composed yourself on this site, so if you'd like to share what you wrote about your mum, I'd love to hear it. But you'll have to break it into several posts, as it probably won't fit on this in one post.

I didn't speak at my mom's funeral, it was too hard. I did fine at the viewing, but when they went to close the casket, I lost it. It was too hard to keep a smile and I broke down. I held my sister and tried my best to take care of her and tried to remain strong, but it was too hard. My oldest was still in shock, dang, still is, I think.

We had a moving picture at the beginning of the line, so people could see pictures from her younger years, it was beautiful. I write a lot of poetry, I wrote one while I was headed to the hospice center with my husband...we had it on the back of the funeral announcement. I'll have to dig it out and post it. I think you'll like it and understand it.

If you go to the search for button on the top of the main boards, you'll be able to search other threads that I've posted on, it will explain a little more about me and my mom, if you have time, or lets be honest, the energy!!;) Just type in Angel77 and it will pull up a list of threads, and you can pick and choose ones you want to read, some of them may be of help to you.

I understand the feelings getting worse of just what you saw at the time of their passing. At first, I was so glad I was there to hold her hand and let her know she wasn't alone, but as time passes, the warmth of being there gives way to horror, dismay, etc. about just what they looked like as they died.

My mom was admitted to hospice on a monday, I had spent the weekend at the university hospital with her, waited for the transfer, went home, she was talking for the first time, when we left, and then tuesday morning....sorry, just got hit hard again...now the dog's in my lap wondering if I'm going to start breathing and stop crying....I guess I needed to say this more than I knew. I quit talking about it when I felt everyone around me needed to pick up and be strong again..

...anyway, on tuesday morning the hospice nurse called me and said, "Hon, your mom slipped into a coma and isn't doing well. You had better get back up here, she doesn't have long left...so back I went, I took my jewelry stuff with me and made jewelry for the hospice workers, the family and those dying, to keep my mind off my mom as much as I could...it worked a bit. I stayed in the room with her, talking to her, telling her about the boys, etc. and making phone calls to friends to tell them the news...it just seemed so surreal. Then that evening she started making awful noises, fluid came out of her mouth from her lungs, and her breathing started to slow down.

I told my husband to take my son to his first day of 5th grade, and then it was up to him to come or not, depending on how he felt. He wanted to come say goodbye to his grandma. So, wednesday morning, she finally grew silent and peaceful, then, at 12:34 she stopped breathing, the 'funny' thing was, you remember how if you made an ugly face your mom would say, "Don't do that or it will stay that way..." Well, she turned a little blue, quit breathing and then her face smushed up like she ate a lemon...all I could think of was to rub her face and say, "mom, shhh, relax, or your face will stay that way!!!" Holy cow, the stupid things we do when we are faced with such pain....

Then, the door opened and it was my husband and kids, I pushed them out and explained that she had died just literally one minute before and I wanted my son to wait because I didn't know what happened after they died. So, after a few minutes I let him go in and say his good byes...it was weird, but it seemed natural to stay with her body for a few hours, long enough for my grandma to get there (she flew in from the east coast) ...and then it was time to start making arrangements.

Okay, new subject....do you fly or drive when it's time to go visit? That is an awful long trip to drive and leaves you with entirely too much time to think and grieve. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's painful...and to be honest, breaks my heart to imagine you having to go it alone. I hate to see people suffer like that. If I could manage to be in several different places at once, no one would ever be alone when in that kind of pain...it's just not right, although it's a part of life.

What do you do for a living? You said that your work keeps you occupied for the most part? Can you take it home with you???;) Keep the bad nights away?

I hate to say this, but still being so new in this, I have a feeling you are going to find yourself where I am right now, in a little heap...I have days where I do so well at handling it, I surprise myself, then there are days that it hits like a freight train and I don't know what I am going to do.

You know, I went through a spot after each loss where they seemed to fade, but I am glad to say, that once I get in a better spot, where it's not as painful to feel them, there they are. I still smell my mom's soups cooking and feel the presence of the other ones...it's a comfort. Sometimes I talk to them, although no answers....at least not that my ears hear, my heart gets the messages loud and clear...

Do you have any rituals, or anything that you do when you're in full blown heartache, that help you cope? Have you done anything to say goodbye? I know this sounds morbid, but have you gotten their ashes back yet? Have you scattered them or done something with them? I don't know much about cremation...although I believe that's what I want to have done, then have my ashes scattered to set me free and those I love, so they don't have to visit the damned cemetery.....I can think of better ways to spend the time!! LOL

Well, Ins, I better let you get on with your day, I haven't been this long winded in a long time, but there's something about you that is very familiar and I don't know why...I feel like you were put here for a reason, I don't know if you're feeling the same way, but either way, thank you from the bottom of my heart, it's more of a blessing than you will ever know.

....................Angel

p.s. What does Ins mean? Just curious...I got my name from the moderators because I couldn't come up with one that wasn't taken, so they named me...I think they must have a sense of humor! What do you think??? :p

Thank you again and God bless you.

Another thing, in one of your posts, you mentioned that it was not be dramatic...I just wanted to let you know, that nothing you have said, and the general feel I get from you shows you have no flare for drama, just stating the facts, if you will...it just happens that the facts are a bit dramatic....you don't seem to have the ability for drama, as your heart is too sincere for the drama.

Thank you for your kind words - I just say what I feel. I used to keep everything back, but with what has happened with both folks, I now have the philosophy of not bottling up everything (and I mean everything) and saying what I feel and feeling calm and at peace and accepting the "consequences" (consequences not meant in a bad way). Life is too short and there are many things I wish I had said to them both.

I truly, honestly and deeply mean this - thank you for sharing all the things that happened with you and your mum that you told me. As I read it last night my heart truly went out for you. I would love to read the poetry that you wrote for your mum. All the things you wrote was very moving to read - thank you for sharing that - I honestly appreciate it. I will do a search for your other threads and read them. My heart went out to you when you said it hit you hard again as you were writing things in your reply.

I thought I would let you know the full extent of what has happened to me - again not to dramatise things - but just to put things in perspective - in a short version. All had been well until about September 2004 when Dad took ill, He lost nearly 2 stone in 1 month and was in near constant pain. I went home Xmas 2004 to spend time with them and dad had heart attack on Boxing day. Luckily I was there for both of them to help. Dad was released mid Jan and remained in pain throughout the whole of the year. He did lose weight but after numerous scans nothing came up. He spent lots of short-period time in hospital but again nothing came up in X-rays scans etc. I spent Xmas last year with them but he was admitted 29th Jan as his weight was of concern. I had a short holiday in Prague in Mid Febuary and after coming back to UK went straight up to see them both as it was the first time since Xmas I had seen them. Then March 12th he went for a CT scan, and on 14th March he got a call to go straight into see his consultant - it was Lung Cancer and after looking at a scan from May 05 it was there but was missed. He had weeks not months to live. I got the call from my Aunt and went straight up to be with them. I worked 4 days each week and spent long weekends with Dad travelling by car. On April 3rd came back to Cambridge. Next day, April 4th 3pm got a call from Mum saying Dad had got worse. So came straight back to them and went straight to Dad. I stayed with him on my own from 9pm till 6am at his bedside and wrote him a letter which he read about how I loved, cared and respected him and how much he had been such an influcence in my life on so many levels. I stayed with him the next afternoon with mum and next night from 7pm-6am on my own. By that time he had slipped into a coma. Mum and I went on on Friday 7th at midday and stayed till 420pm when we both went for something to drink. It took me 7 attempts to leave him - I kept going back, kissing him on his forehead and whsipering "love you dad". Don't know why. But Mum and I came back at 4:50pm to be met by the nurse who said she had something to say and I said "he's gone hasn't he". Mum and I spent an hour with him. He died peacefully but the pain he went through was clear on his face. I grieved that Dad was going to die, but NEVER ever grieved his death. I wanted to be strong for Mum. She had leg problems a few weeks before. After Dads funeral/cremation, I stayed with Mum for 1 week to make sure she was ok. We went out, did things, talked about Dad in a nice/non-upsetting way and came back to work.

One and a half weeks later I went back up to be with Mum for her pre-angiogram assment (she was on warfaren so wanted to be there while she was off the warferen) and stayed with her over the weekend and for her angiogram on the Monday. I wanted to make sure she was ok and stayed till the Tuesday and came back to work. On the Thursday at 12:15pm I got a call from her saying she was in terrible pain. It seemed she had had another blood clot. I went back up (300 mile 1 way journey) and was told it was a minor stroke and stayed till the 19th May (my birthday). Thursday 25th I got a call at 10am saying she had a blood clot so went back up. She was in pain from the Friday till the Sunday when they decided to operate. I was told there are lots of things it could be but I and the nurses never expected it to be a blood clot to the bowel which is what killed her. I stayed with her on the Sunday 28th May from 6pm till 2:30am when she went to get her operation. We chatted a bit and she always said we were going to go out on a shopping spree which is what she joked with the anethiaestist. I said see you later and then after going home and being asleep for 40 mins or so, got a call that its not good. I drove the 15 mile backto the hospital where I held her in my arms as she died. There was no pain - she just pushed the oxygen tube out of her mouth as her breathing took a slower and more shallow pace and I said "go now, sleep, be at peace, go to Dad, go to Albert, go to your loving husband". She then stopped breathing. After a few minutes I went to see the nurses who came and checked her. There was one nice touch - the african nurse said would you like to close her eyes, and so I went, placed my hand on her forehead and slowly moved my hand over her eyes as I looked into mums and said "love you mum, always have and always will". I stayed with her body for about an hour from 6am till 7am - the air was cool and the Sun just rising - and drove home alone into the parent-less empty house and had a 2hour bath. I then started phoning people and making arrangements all on my own for the next few days - I understand what you mean by how it seems weird.

In both cases I went to view their bodies at the funeral parlour and spent about half an hour with each of them alone. My Aunt and her daughter went with me on both occassions but they had their own private time and I had mine. I was there and was strong for Mum when Dad died and was strong and was there for my Aunt and her daughter when Mum died. After Mums funeral it took 2 weeks to sort and clear the whole house on my own - something I needed to do on my own but it was very hard emotionally. But I put emotions aside as I had a job to do. I asked for 3 weeks from work (work have been VERY supportive) but got it done in 2 weeks.

When I visited or travelled to their place it is/was always a car drive. Dad instilled in me an enjoyment of driving so a long journey like that is no problem. It took about 4 hours to do but just went into "autopilot mode" as had done the journey so many times. If I decide to go back to the crematorium on 31st July for Mums birthday I will drive up and back in the same day.

You said "I hate to say this, but still being so new in this, I have a feeling you are going to find yourself where I am right now, in a little heap...I have days where I do so well at handling it, I surprise myself, then there are days that it hits like a freight train and I don't know what I am going to do.": I know what you mean - honestly I do. As I wrote the above (about how it all started) somethings came back to me and I became upset a little but would rather share it with you. The weekend after I came back to Cambridge was diffcicult as it was the first time I was truly on my own on a weekend. The following week all was well. The Sunday after I was angry but ok. The next week all ok but the Sunday before last was very bad. Got up at 10am (nice lye in) did some emulsioning of the house till 2pm. Had some lunch, got some photos sorted of my folks that I had seen before with no problem, started sorting them, then one photo I looked at in detail - the expression on dads face, how he looked, his eyes, his face, his hands...and that was it - from 2pm Sunday till 4am Monday I was so upset. That is the first time Dads death and Mums death had REALLY hit me. What you wrote I genuinely feel for you so much and I mean that deeply and honestly.

My folks ashes were scattered after their cremation by the minister on the Garden of Rememberance which is where I will visit. Like you they didn't want anyone to visit the cemetary.

I have no rituals for their passing apart from the grief I have when it gets bad, BUT also remembering the good times and trying to live my life as me, the person that I am, as well as trying to let people experience my folks through who I am as a Man and the man they brought me up to be. That is something I would like to share with you - live your life as yourself, the indiviual, the lady that has grown up and lived life the way you have done but also share with others the values that your folks have given you. That way you are you but your folks also "shine" through too.

You asked what I did for a living - I am a technical sales consultant for a small company. Its varied as I do consultancy, IT support, retail sales, corporate sales, instrumentation, teaching and research! What about you - what do you do for a living? I do take some work home with me as I am developing new courses to teach. You also asked about my username - lns - its my initials. Like you I have trouble trying to think of names so had just used something obvious. I do like your username and agree that they must have a sense of humour. Its a good and very nice username! :)

Please don't worry about (your words) being long-winded. I truly appreciate and respect your openess and honesty with things that have happened in your life. I could listen/read a lot more from you so please if you want to say more about you and what you feel and what has happened - please do. I do not ever judge and will always listen - and I truly honestly mean that sincerely. What support system do you have - you wrote you have family/children/husband - do they help a lot?

I would honestly like to read your poems and I will sort a way to get my funeral speech online for you to read.

You are in my thoughts and do take care.

lns

INS thanks for sharing. Very touching. I am about the same age as you - a bit younger. My father died one year ago (he was 88), but we were all prepared as he had been diagnosed with cancer for five years.

It would have been devastating to lose my mother at the same time.

All I can say, is that everything happens for a reason and for the best, even if we do not know what this reason is. Also, that "best" may not be for our best - may be for someone else's best. You say you are an optimist so I know that you understand this.

Best of luck and hang in there.

Hi! HAHAHA...I'm in sales too. I do business branding, niching, marketing, etc. I stink in anything technical!:D I am just home for lunch and then headed back out to meet with another client.

I will dig up the poetry...their's also some on this board, somewhere. I write a lot...it helps me deal with things at hand. I am a bit odd, I prefer to deal with pain head on, rather than deny it...it just pops up in other places, rather deal with it, learn from it, move on and then share it if it can help someone else.

I am in the process of doing some jewelry for the local hospitals...for the children's cancer ward, the grief support group for parents who lost children, etc. I'm also putting together a fund raiser for the local family connection center...they need funds and I have a big mouth and lots of contacts...might as well use them. It helps to stay busy. I love to go out and meet new people and help them get going. I find that often, I'm put there not just to help their business, but to help them cope with some type of trauma...kinda funny how God works.

I have found that every trauma I have ever gone through was to give me an inside edge to help someone else out...so I'll never say I feel bad about what has happened. Only I can define it...it will never define me.

I am going to post this and then I'll post a bit more as I munch my lunch!

Isn't it funny how those we love the most, tend to either wait until we're out of the room to pass or wait for 'permission'? I had a hard time telling my mom it was okay to let go. Her idiot boyfriend was a little overly-encouraging, if you know what I mean...I simply told her that if she was done fighting, she didn't have to any more and that it was okay to go Home...if she was ready to keep fighting, then I'd fight with and for her.

He was such a toad, I couldn't stand to leave my mom there with him alone. He was and is a creep. It's funny, I am a dog person (I used to run a dog and wolf rescue before I got sick...LOL) and my sister told me that a few times I almost growled at him!!! That's what you get, mess with the dog long enough and you'll soon find you get the teeth!:D

I was a bit of a pain after the funeral. My grandma and aunt wanted to clean out her stuff immediately, before they flew back home...they just wanted to trash what they didn't want. I wanted to be able to go through it as my emotions allowed...so I picked a few fights and said some not so nice things...I'm really short, 5'0" and told them the reason God made us short was so that it was impossible for us to look down our nose at someone..so they needed to get off their high-horse and quit being snobs. Not nice, but still true! Grief does weird things to you.

They also didn't want us cracking any jokes at the funeral, they wanted it ultra-classy...but my mom was a joker, not classy (could be if she wanted to) but she just loved having fun, as I do. Although I censor my mouth more than she did...but then again, I don't drink like she did.

Anyway...Got side tracked there....About your drive, holy cow...I'm narcoleptic and that would kill me! I would definitely be doing some sleeping on the side of the road. But I do enjoy the tranquility of driving. I live in the Rocky Mountains and we have some beautiful scenery just a few miles from here...the canyons are beautiful and the sound of nature is calming to a broken spirit.

My dad is burried about 45 min. from here, on the top of the hillside, in the canyon, overlooking the mountains. The cemetery has a white picket fence and everything. It's hard to visit him. I also find it odd that I have a hard time finding him because I remember the little pine tree that stood there when he was first put there...and now it's enormous. Have you noticed that since they passed that somethings just seem like they should be frozen in time and you're always shocked when they've changed, but your memory of it hasn't?

Well, I had better run, have to check my e-mails before heading back to work.

Thanks for all you have already said and done. It's more help than you'll ever know. One day, I hope to repay the kindness.

................Angel

Hi Angel

Thanks for your quick reply -

Just a quick reply back at the moment as just got your mails:

Like you I prefer to face things like death and loss head on. I would love to read your poems. Given I can't publish the speech I will send it here in parts when I can. Like you I would rather use my experiences to help others as that is part of who I am. What we go through and experience in life does makes us who we are - which is why I like and appreciate and understand what you said by "I have found that every trauma I have ever gone through was to give me an inside edge to help someone else out...so I'll never say I feel bad about what has happened. Only I can define it...it will never define me." - those words touched me as they mean a lot to me.

I understand what you meant by "Have you noticed that since they passed that somethings just seem like they should be frozen in time and you're always shocked when they've changed, but your memory of it hasn't?". I totally agree and understand.

You said : "Thanks for all you have already said and done. It's more help than you'll ever know. One day, I hope to repay the kindness." - there is nothing to thank me for and nothing to repay at all. I didn't know I was being of help to you as you have helped me a *lot* from your messages. I truly honestly would like to help you a lot more through what we can communicate if we can. It does help knowing someone is out there that can listen and help - and I am here if you want. Do you get support from your family/friends etc?

Anyway, do take care and be in touch soon.

lns

As far as the support, as much as they are capable of. My husband is a great guy, but has not lost a lot...at least not until he met me. He lost his grandpa before he was old enough to really know him, and his grandma a few years ago, due to poor health and old age. So, he doesn't really understand the grief...but he tries.

The other night we were sleeping and I had a dream about my mom, I woke up and was gasping for air, I was sobbing so hard I couldn't catch my breath and every time I tried to stop, I would start up again. It was awful and he didn't know what to do, so he just held me. I felt awful. I had completely soaked his chest with tears, down his stomach and on to his shorts. He just kept trying to wipe the tears and pull the wet hair off my face.

I hadn't cried like that in a long time...but the dream just seemed to come from no where, it was so weird and in an odd way, I relived all the trauma of the day she passed away. I hadn't been sad that evening, in fact, had a good one, but it hit none the less.

As far as other support, I'm used to have to put the smile on and muddle through. I think I'm pretty good at it, in fact, I have convinced myself that I'm happy as can be.:D And, for the most part I am. But it still sneaks up and bites me in the boot now and then.

I have a german shepherd and great pyrenees who currently think I'm nuts! My shepherd, Phoenix, will crawl as far into my lap as she can and lick my cheeks to try to make mama better and my pyr lays at my feet and puts her giant paws on me to let me know she's there. I never truly feel alone. I have a lot of angels on my side and I know in my heart that they are there when I need them, but sometimes it's hard to just say, "Hey, a little help here!"

I don't remember if it was in this post or another, but I don't know....anyway, I have lost more than 50 friends and family members. Two were murdered, one was my uncle (he was shot) and one was my cousin when she was 11...she was raped and then killed. The guy however did get caught and got the death sentence....darn it!!!:D They just seem to mostly die in a traumatic and dramatic way...very few just lay down and quietly die! So, my main goal, is to die peacefully! I think I've earned it! LOL

I have quite a few friends, but it's not something I discuss often. I prefer to laugh and have fun. I don't do crying well...because when it breaks loose, it's awful and it wears me out for days on end and then my health problems kick in...don't need any help in that department.

Do you have anyone you have been able to share your grief with? How often does it break you down? What do you do about it when it happens? Do you have any critters to keep you company? They tend to be great listeners and never judgemental...as long as you keep the chow coming!

Holler soon, let me know how you're getting along.

Thanks............Angel

I firstly want to say I am really sorry for your loss~I too understand the pain. I am 26 but lost both parents before I turned 18. My sister and brother both died as infants and I thought my mom had to be the strongest women alive to go through that. Well a week after I turned 12 I recieved a phone call that my father had a massive heart attack and died; he was only 41. Eventually we moved on and started living life normally; we decided to go to Florida for spring break in 1997 but on the way home my mother suffered a heart attack. I did everything I could possibly do but it wasn't enough. After 10 minutes of mouth to mouth I realized my attempts were worthless. The saddest part is for a long time I was hearing these noises and I thought she was trying to breath when in actuality it was the "death gurgle". I breathed and breathed until I felt I took my last breathe and finally I told her I loved her, good bye and kissed her forehead...she was dead minutes later. I blamed myself for so long but now at 26 I have a full and happy life ahead of me, I just had to realize that. I am doing everything that I can to live a great life in memory of my family-I just want them to be proud of me and I am sure they are. I hope anyone reading this that has experienced the death of anyone knows that everything will get better-I promise.

It looks like we found another optimist with a dramatic life! If you know what I mean. It's uncanny the way certain people look at death. For a long time I thought I was odd because I seemed to deal much differently and better than most did. I tended to find the silver lining ahead of schedule.

It has proven confusing to me at times, because I often wonder why am I "okay" with this, when most are not. I still have my moments, which are evident just in this thread alone, but I mostly tend to roll with it.

I am proud of you blondie...but may I make a recommendation, please?? Please keep an eye out for your heart. To have lost both parents to heart attacks at such young ages and then 2 sibs, I'm concerned for you. Doesn't mean stop living, just pay attention. A few more blondes in the world is a good thing! LOL I'm one of them. Are you blonde too, Ins?

I am sorry that you weren't able to save your mom, I can't imagine how much more traumatic it can get...I thought it was bad just watching my mom die, but at least I had a bit of a heads up that it was going to happen. I can't imagine if it was more sudden like that and I had to do what you did.

Do you have a support system in place? Are you doing well with things now?

haha...just noticed something silly, I thought your initials were INS...lns, little l:D I'm a little slow...just thought I'd let ya know I'm not a total twit. At least not most of the time.

How are you doing today? Are you handling things okay? I'm doing better. I have my country music blasting in the background....music is one of my big pick me ups...it sets my frame of mind...

There are a few songs that remind me of my mom...the silliest is Puff the Magic Dragon! How funny is that. We were actually trying to find a way to have that played at her funeral (grandma wouldn't have been pleased, however) and it never plays on the radio due to the fact most believe that it's a druggie song...anyway, a few months after she passed and right before her birthday, I was popping into the shower, turned up the radio and there it was on the radio. The ONLY time I've EVER heard it on the radio.

Do you ever get things like that, that feel as if they're a message from your parents?

Podee...how are you? I am sorry I haven't asked before, a little caught up in myself lately, as if that hasn't been obvious.

Take care all.....Angel

Hey Angel...thank you very much. It's funny people always ask me how I maintain my optimism, I guess it's a character trait from my parents:) When my parents died they left behind me and my little brother and unfortunately my brother has been blaming the world ever since. I don't understand how we can live life if we are constantly blaming it and asking the what-ifs. I know I had to be strong for my little brother and in doing so I learned how to deal with my grief~by talking to those I love. I haven't had much counseling but my grandparents and friends have been an awesome support system. I often wonder how I am so strong but I remind myself that there is always someone worse off than I; you know I can live my life~some don't have that choice. I always told people that life is like a card hand and although God may have dealt me a crappy hand, he must have known I could do something with it. Most importantly I wouldn't want anyone to experience what I experienced and in that not only am I glad God chose me but I think I am stronger for it.

Also~I notice signs of my parents too but have always thought it's in my head. Mine is more physical, I think :) For example, every night when I go to bed it feels like someone or something is at the end of the bed sitting down. There have been countless amounts of time when I look to see if its my pup or fiance but it happened before either of them entered my life so I wonder. I am probably just going into different stages of REM but I like to think my parents tuck me in at night...it keeps me peaceful.

Hi Podee

Thank you for what you wrote. I am sorry for your loss. I understand what you meant about some things happen for a rason/for the best.

I hope all is well with you and thank you for your words.

Take care

lns

Hi blondieblue98 & Angel77

Thank you for sharing what has happened to you-blondieblue98 ; I feel for you as, like me, you told your mum that you loved her, said goodbye and kissed her forehead as it was the same for me. But I can't imagine how it must have been for you to try your hardest to save your mum and how it affected you afterwards. My heart goes out to you. Like what Angel77 says - she is proud of you that you are now living a full and happy life - and I am proud of you too and am I sure that your parents would be proud too. I have the philosophy that although we each are individuals and have our own personality, part of us (our habits, view of life and things, our character, sense of humour, life values etc) are part of who are parents are/were ...and so they live on through us and will never truly die (that is just my own "optimistic"-type viewpoint).

You asked about hair Angel77: I used to be blonde when I was very young, then my hair darkened, went dark brown, then went partly bald a while ago now have very very short hair (like Jason Statham in Transporter films)

From your post 13 - I was stunned and shocked at the number of friends/family that you have lost. My heart truly goes out to you and I feel for you.

I have a happy go lucky and relaxed easy going type of persona and, like you, I prefer to have a good laugh have fun and make the most and enjoy things rather than discuss things.

You asked a few things about grief: I have an Aunt and her daughter that I have had a few words with about my loss, but I don't really know them that well so its more of a discussion that to share the grief with. So in reality the answer is that I have nobody to share the grief with. The grief breaks me down unexpectedly - it always seems to come unexpectedly - a few times have had to walk out of the office and go to the car for a few minutes when something triggers it.I sometimes feel grief on the way to/from work but mainly when I am on my own in the house and all is quiet (I live alone). The worst (and I have never gone through this amount of grief before) was not Sunday just gone but the Sunday before. I'd woken early, then emulsioned the stairs and landing, sat and had some lunch and started to sort some photos out on the PC. These photos of my folks I had seen recently (they were the time I took my folks for a day out at the other side of the country and was the last ever time we had time out together as a family in August 2004) and it never bothered me at all. But I had looked at a few photos in more detail/more closely - looking at the way they smiled, their eyes, faces, their expression....and it hit me big time they were not there anymore.....I just broke down and I was so upset and the grief lasted from 2pm Sunday until 4am Monday - I have never grieved as much or as long. When the grief happens I just "accept" it and go through it on my own. I don't have any critters (I guess you mean kids) too.

Thank you - honeslty - for sharing about what happened to you the other night regarding your dream and how it affected you. When I was reading it my heart went out so much. I had a recent similar experience of a dream that hits you deeply - it was SO vivid I could sense/smell so many things in the dream. I dreamt I had just bought a house and invited my folks down. THey came down on the weekend of a local huge aircraft and plane fly-by display which both folks loved to see. I had bought my Dad a digital camera with a large zoom lens so he could take photos of the planes in the air for a surprise gift. They arrive and I am sitting with them in the kitchen at a round table and give dad his present - he loves it and both are excited about the weekend. The room is slightly chilly as its late Autumn. I take them out for a walk around the local area - they sky is overcast, a bit chilly, leaves falling off trees and we're walking near some bungalow houses when a squadron of bi-planes start coming over. Dad gets his camera out and takes a few photos but gives the camera to me as he's not used to it so I take a few photos. We walk back to the house, sit at the round kitchen table and I show them the photos on the camera LCD screen - both are very happy and excited for the airshow. I tell them I have to leave for a bit but be back in a very short while. Next thing I remember I come back to the house which is quiet. They're not in the living room so I think they must have gone out. I go in the kitchen and still nobody there. The chairs are pushed back under the table, but the digital camera is sitting on the table. I sit down and pick up the camera to look at the photos Dad took and I took for him of the bi-planes earlier....but there are no photos stored on the camera....and in my dream I realise there are no photos because they were never there...and all that happened never happened because they are dead. I woke up and I was just in tears and hugged the pillow. I never went back to sleep (woke at 4am) but just left for work usual time and got on with work for the whole day.

I have been ok for the last few days. How have you been Angel and blondieblue?

Sorry for waffling in this post just wrote from the heart and memory - hope you are both well.

Take care

lns

Just read post #16 and #17:

I think it is true - and it is comforting - that how we live our lives (blondieblue said about how she maintains her optimism) is partly through character traits and experiences with and from our parents. As I believe anyone who has been an integral part in our life, when they pass on, part of who they were lives on through us. I think that is comforting.

Angel - you mentioned about songs that remind you of your mum. Did you get it played at your mums funeral? Both parents wanted Wind Beneath My Wings sung by Better Middler. Dad always whistled whilst he worked and I fondly remember him whistling "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong so we had that played as well.

When I hear songs it now takes me back to that period of time I was hearing them for the first time or they were in the charts etc and all I remember now is how my parents were and what we were doing as a family (rather than what I was doing). It could be something as simple as hearing a song for the first time while talking to folks about something on the telephone or the music that was playing when I was playing a practical joke on them or in the car taking them somewhere. One song I listen to recently (and it upset me as\ it is a nice song but there are 3 lines in it which really hits home now) is "Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen - the lines that means a lot to me now is "Theres no chance for us, Its all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us".
I does get to me as I do go through times of huge regret that I didn't do more for my folks - there was a lot I wanted them to do for themselves and I wanted to do for them as in life you only get 1 chance (hence the significance of the last line).

Anyway - just wanted to share this. Take care all of you.

lns

No, didn't get the song played at the funeral. We couldn't find it in time and even had we found it, I highly doubt my grandma would have let us play it because she was paying for the funeral....meaning it had to be a classy affair.

We went the rounds on a few things and my sister and I were just too exhausted to keep fighting it. I had quit my job to spend the last couple of weeks with my mom and I was on increased meds to keep my health in check so that I could stay with her. I was on about double the dose of everything to deal with the physical pain and to keep my narcolespy in check, I kept that up for about a week after she died. I crashed hard and paid seriously for it.

The day after she died, I finally slept, after bawling, until 5pm the next day. Ya know how you sleep so hard after crying hard?? It was one of those where you're too tired to even dream and no matter how long you were asleep for you wake up in the exact same position???

Wow, that dream is vivid. I can totally relate. I know what you mean when you can explain everything in such detail that it's just astounding. It's almost as if you appreciate it and pay attention to every detail because you know that moment will never happen again in waking hours. I had a dream similar to that after my brother died and in part of it we were baking sugar cookies (for Christmas) and had a food fight. I could feel the flour on my face and smell the cookies baking. It was funny though, because although him and I were both laughing hysterically (SP?) there was never a single sound made. Odd huh.

As far as the people I've lost...it's been hard. Most of them die dramatically. I think I mentioned how a few died, but my dad died in an auto accident (he was 27, I had barely turned 4), my brother in a trucking accident, he was 20, my sister was 6 when she was hit and killed, my cousin was 11 when she was raped and murdered (the jerk got the death penalty and has since been executed), an uncle electrocuted at work, several from cancer, a friend to suicide, another to yet another auto accident, one to epilepsy, only a few to old age.....honestly, the list goes on and on...I think the funeral industry should give us a group discount since we're keeping them so busy!

I hate buying dresses, because up until recently, they were all for funerals. I wore a bright yellow dress to my great grandma's funeral and decided to make my husband take me out for my birthday a few days later and wore it again because I didn't want the only memory of that dress to be that day.

We always 'joke' that if it's been six months without a funeral, either a mass casualty is coming or the end of the world. We just usually don't make it that long without a funeral.

The biggest thing I'm facing now is the impending loss of a lady who has been like a mom to me. She got sick before my mom did last year, with non-hodgkins lymphoma, and although it's not showing signs of coming back yet, my gut tells me it's going to kill her soon. I can't stand it. She has been the one true positive in my life while I was growing up.

I don't know if you've read any of my past posts yet, but you'll see my mom and I had a hard relationship, to say the least...and this woman would always call me to check on me, tell me she loved me, etc. and had a laught that you could never forget. It kills me. I just try not to think about it.

Anyway...geez, long winded again...imagine that:D

Hope this finds all of you doing well...today so far, seems to be going well, so I'm off to do something....just don't know what yet!

....................Angel

I just wanted to mention a particular dream that haunted me after my dad died. See my dad was a pipe fitter for a union and worked in an area known as "chemical valley" and I can remember when my mom would take us to go pick him up. Well that must have been stored in my subconscious because I would have these dreams that we would be driving down the road (in the same old car) and off to my right was this factory. But this factory was about 15 feet off the ground and was kind of floating. I remember seeing my dad and it was like he was reaching his hand to me and I was saying, mom we gotta get dad-he's right there. He'd outstretch his had for a while and time would seem to stop until gradually the factory faded away.... I used to have this dream repeatedly and it haunted me so badly-thankfully it's been awhile but I think thats due in part of my ability to grieve.
As for my mom I never had a particular dream that haunted me, just things in my life I wished I could take back. My mom worked at my school and the first day my freshman year she came up to me and was trying to ask how my day was. I was mortified and basically shoved her off; I think that is one of the few things that still makes me cry because of how bad I felt for doing it. I know she knows I didn't mean it, and having my mom by my side at high school turned out to be a wonderful thing-I just wish I would have realized that before being a jerk, I wouldn't feel as guilty. The only other thing that bothers me bad enough to make me break down anytime I talk about it is the expression on my brothers face sitting in the backseat while I was doing CPR. He just kept screaming "save my mommy, I want my mommy" over and over. He was only 10 years old, he shouldn't have had to see that. There are always things I look back on and say "well maybe if I did this differently maybe she would have been able to catch a breath..." but it hurts so bad to think I let my little brother down and couldn't give him back his mommy. Somedays it just sucks but again I have to remind myself that not only am I alive but I need to survive, and I have done just that.

I can just imagine how hard it would be not only to do what you did for your mom but to have your little brother in terror hoping and praying you could have saved her. Does he resent you or show any inkling that maybe he blames you? (I'm not saying this is correct, but in grief, we tend to place blame wherever we can find a place to stick it) Who took care of you guys after your mom passed away?

Are you and your little brother close? Do you ever talk about it with him?

From what I know about the body and fate in general, no matter what happens, if it's our time to go, we could be insulated in a bubble in a top secret place and something would find a way to make sure we find our way back Home. No matter what you would have done that day, your mom would have gone back Home...

Did you take to heart what I suggested about your own health? Please don't be one of those who sticks their head in the mud and prays it never happens (I know, reformed chicken here) and hopes for the best?

lns...how are you doing? Podee?

Yeah it was pretty hard but over the years I have learned exactly what you said: "no matter what happens, if it's our time to go, we could be insulated in a bubble in a top secret place and something would find a way to make sure we find our way back Home. No matter what you would have done that day, your mom would have gone back Home..." I used to think my brother may resent me, but I think that was more my fear than actuality. I don't think my brother blames me, he has never said he does-it's just hard to see him because I know it has impacted his life and decisions he's made in a totally different way than it did mine. Now that he is an adult he and I talk regularly, but he was tossed from home to home after my mom died. I was almost 17 so I thought going away to college would help-it didn't but it kept me sane. As for my health, I have taken into great consideration my health and it's scary because I was speaking with my bio-grandmother (call her that only because she is my grandma but never in my life) and found out that blood pressure is a big issue on my fathers side. I keep myself healthy by eating right and playing a lot of tennis and running, but again as you have said-someday we all have to go Home. Thanks so much for your concern, I really didn't want to intrude on the thoughts that should go to lns. But I am very grateful for everyones thoughts and kind words :)

lns, long time, no 'see'...how are you?

Hi Angel77

Sorry for not replying or being on sooner - have kept busy over the past week or so hence no postings.

Yesterday - the 29th - would have been 2 months to the date for my mothers death and her birthday is tomorrow - 31st July. I was going to take the day off and go back the ~300 miles to the crematorium but decided against it. Then was just going to take the day off.

But today (Sunday) am feeling very low. Went out into a nearby town for a few hours but thoughts of both parents dominated so left early. Dreading tomorow - mums birthday - so will be going in to work tomorrow to keep busy. As I was walking around town I just felt numb, isolated, alone - I didn't feel sorry for myself just felt alone.

Something I have said before and is really applicable at the moment is that life becomes so numb when you can't you feel them there anymore....and I can't..life becomes to tired.

I hope you are well. How are you doing? I read your recent post entitled "furstrated" - it was very touching and moving.

lns

I am sorry for how you've been feeling...you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you. I have not been online recently as have kept busy. My mums birthday went ok - but it was still hard - I miss her and my father so much....but life does go on...but it still doesn't make it any easier.

How are you? I hope you are ok.

Not been the best of bud have I???? :D I fell of the face of the earth for a bit, lot going on at home, but I do think of y'all often and hope all is well. How did the birthday go? Did you hold together okay?

I've stayed away from this subject due to my own issues, not you. I am coming up on a year on the 24th of this month and it stinks. I am angry and hurt and just plain exhausted from the inside out.

I hope you are doing well Lee...I wish I had more to offer you right now, but my little brain is only slightly better off than my heart...so I'm taking it easy and the wisdom isn't just flowing if you get my drift.

I hope this finds all of you well and hanging in there, not just hanging on for dear life.

Loves and hugs, Angel

Lee, how are you?????? Where have you been? On thursday it's a year for me...maybe I'll find the energy and post the story...we'll see.

Hope you're finding some peace...hugs, prayers and blessings to you sweetpea....take care.